Why do people try to destroy sincere relationships. What is destroying our relationship? Painful attachment to the former
Knowing when to quit and when to move on is the key to emotional survival.
Until we are 200% sure that the relationship is over, we continue to believe in it. This is understandable, because in a few years (or months) we become so attached to a person, we can say “grow into” him, that it is very painful to part. It is clear that you are trying to save the relationship: there is always hope that they will change for the better.
Not everyone has the guts to end a relationship the moment it really ended. Here are 21 signs that "finita la comedy" if it has not yet arrived, then it is already very, very close. If at least four points out of all you say: “This is about us,” think about parting more seriously than usual.
1. Resentment
You are constantly offended by your partner, but do not say anything. You think that this is how you save your relationship, but in fact you only delay that unpleasant moment when all the accumulated negativity breaks out and your relationship ends in a painful break.
Resentment does not go anywhere, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it does not splash out, then it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, destroys relationships - slowly but surely.
2. Disrespect
If you and your partner have reached the point where you show mutual disrespect, it's time to destroy your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop being attached to someone who shows you disrespect.
People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of the value of each other, which leads to absolute indifference about the needs and desires of a partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?
3. Contempt
It doesn’t matter what motives caused contempt, whether it was a failed one, a change in appearance or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because isn't this warmth we need so much under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.
If you started to treat each other with contempt, you no longer get warmth from relationships and you live not with a friend who understands, but with a cold creature who condemns you, why continue this?
4. Lies
I'm talking about that lie when you tell a person, "I love you," without experiencing any feelings. You are afraid of hurting him, but you are not really protecting him, but only making it worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie all your life and at the same time not spoil it for yourself and your partner.
Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us”, when you feel that everything has already ended for you, this is also an escape from reality.
5. Distrust
If you do not trust your partner, then there are reasons for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be restored, why stay with this person? All my life to check, worry and waste my nerves?
6. Swearing in public
Everything good that you can say about your partner can be said in public. And all the bad things are better left for personal conversations. To scold a person in public means to achieve only a negative response or a hidden resentment.
In addition, if you scold your partner in public or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to spill out.
7. Distance
You have already severed the emotional connection with your partner and thus gently let him know that it's over. Maybe it's better to do it right away, and not to produce suffering and doubts?
8. Demanding evidence of love
“If you love me, you…” It is very tempting to manage a person’s life in this way, and if you periodically hear this phrase, then something has gone wrong.
The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and some of your actions have nothing to do with it.
Well, if you yourself say so, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And is it possible to manipulate those who really?
9. Public humiliation
If your partner has humiliated you in society once, he will most likely do it again and again. And it does not matter that he drank a lot that evening or he was in a bad mood.
Public humiliation of a partner only speaks of deep self-hatred, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not fix the situation without his firm desire to change and work with his self-esteem. And this is difficult not only to correct, but even to admit.
10. Obsession with another person
If your partner is obsessed with another person - whether he is friends with him or hopes for a closer relationship - sooner or later this will lead to a break.
Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but obsession with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.
Yes, the partner is clearly missing something in your relationship if he is so drawn to another person, but you can hardly give him this. And certainly you should not change yourself for the sake of another person.
11. Obsession with pornography
There is nothing weird or wrong with partners watching porn together. Some kind of voyeurism helps to get turned on and find something new to try later in bed with a partner.
But if one of the partners is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Grail of the multiple, he may end up on the path of sexual perversion.
So, if you are not satisfied with such alignments, think about the root cause of this obsession, and about the possible consequences.
12. Emotional infidelity
Some people believe that monogamy is the only possible relationship option, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.
If you cheated for the sake of a variety of sexual experiences, the relationship can still be saved, but if there is an emotional attachment to the person with whom you had an intimate relationship, it is time to end the relationship.
The first question people ask when they find out about their partner's infidelity is: "Do you love him/her?" Because it is the emotional, and not the physical connection, that is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then you have nothing more to do here.
13. Inability to end the conflict
It starts as an endless struggle without reaching a consensus, which gradually develops into "as you wish", when the partners no longer care about the results of their struggle.
There is a rule: never go to bed offended by each other. And there is definitely something in it.
If none of the partners can pacify their pride and desire to always be the winner in the dispute, cannot agree to a truce without achieving their goal, these relations have no continuation.
14. Subconscious
If you unconsciously do things that harm your relationship, it is your psyche that tells you what you really need.
You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of real desires better than all your assurances and hopes.
15. Obsession
If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or substances, he/she is a shopaholic, gambler, workaholic, or obsessed with sex, you will always end up in second or even fifth place and not get the emotional connection you want.
If you don't have an obsession with something, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect.
16. Painful attachment to an ex
If your partner is still in more than close relationships with an ex-passionate or husband/wife, it destroys the relationship.
Former partners need to be respected, especially if you have common children, but the first role is still assigned to the current partner. If this does not happen, it is easy to feel secondary and unnecessary, and this is a direct path to a breakup.
17. Threats and emotional blackmail
This is a clear sign. Emotional blackmail is often presented as intense love, but it is actually control. And control, in turn, is an abuse of feelings. You have to run as far away from it as you can see.
18. Constant comparison and ratings
Does your partner compare you to others who are prettier, earn more, smarter, and more interesting than you? This is one form of humiliation. If someone thinks that the grass is greener in someone else's yard, let him go there.
Humans are unique creatures, although they are similar in many ways. You shouldn't compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.
19. Indifference
Why stay together if you don't care about each other?
20. Disappearance of attachment
There's nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more from a relationship, don't stay with a partner who isn't your one and only. Don't just stay because it's convenient for you.
21. Physical abuse
There are no excuses, no explanations, circumstances and promises do not matter. You just have to leave.
In general, conflicts in a relationship are a way to get rid of pain, but their causes may vary. It can be a way to open the boil of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in a relationship in order to clean out the wound, remove what is in the way, and save the relationship.
But it also happens differently, when conflicts are a way to break off relationships, to inform the other person that they are over, that it is no longer worth tormenting each other.
And it is better to learn to distinguish one conflict from another, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.
Leave or stay? This article will help you make a decision.
Leave or stay?
She has been in relationships that are destroying her for several years ... Everything suffers: self-esteem, health, relationships with friends and relatives, a career or business collapses. Every year, month or day, the circle narrows, but continues. Life is like hell: he drinks, walks no one knows where and no one knows with whom, accuses her of all mortal sins, is jealous, humiliates, insults, and maybe even beats. But sometimes, extremely rarely, he can be gentle, affectionate, attentive, give a gift or say the words that she wants to hear.
But the very thought of parting breaks the soul and causes unbearable pain. It seems that if only he closes the door behind him from the other side, life will stop, and nothing good will ever happen in it again. There is no life without him...
The most amazing thing is that this animal fear of being abandoned, abandoned, abandoned has nothing to do with a man. This is a childhood trauma, often very early. Maybe she spent the first days without her mother (for example, while her mother was operated on mastitis, the newborn was in the care of her grandmother and father) or she was given to her grandmother to raise, since her mother went to work early, maybe her mother drank corny and she was not up to her daughter.
In addition, a woman, in fact, cannot live without such a partner. This endless intensity of passions, emotional swings, despair and impotence are understandable and familiar from childhood. In such relationships, something always happens, a rich series of events creates a feeling of vibrant life. How to live in a different way than to replace this state is unknown. And the unknown, as you know, scares even more.
If this story is about you, then this article will help you make a decision.
Stay and continue with incredible efforts to cling to this relationship or leave?
In order to understand how this story will end, you do not need to go to a fortune teller. You already have the results of these relationships (see the beginning of the article). Don't expect a miracle. Accept the fact that nothing will change. He will NOT change, his relationship with him will NOT change, and his attitude towards you will NOT change either! Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday, in 10-20-30 years it will be the same as today. But how long will your health last? And while you fight the cancer inside you, he will lead the same lifestyle as now. By the way, what is he doing at the moment? Of course, if the meaning of your life is to die as quickly as possible, while maintaining these relationships, continue. The monument will not be erected either during his lifetime or after. You won't be able to stay alive. There is no chance to become healthy, happy and loved, unless you leave ...
So how do you leave?
This is not love!
Recognize that your relationship with a man is not called love. In a sea of suffering, problems and hopelessness, brief moments of joy are not an argument in defense of your relationship. Crazy attachment to him is a way to reproduce the familiar atmosphere of childhood and live in an emotionally familiar environment.
Guilt!
Does it help you find more and more flaws in yourself? Poor thing, how does he tolerate you? Oh, of course, without it you will be lost, because no one needs you like that. He is a real hero! And bending under the weight of guilt, you all try to be better, to please, to comply, to fulfill impossible requirements. Only happiness, peace and tranquility, as there was not, and there is not ... You feel very sorry for yourself, your hands drop, everything seems pointless. And already almost drowning in the abyss of despair, pushing off the bottom, you are making new efforts with enviable zeal. Stop it. No matter what you do, there will always be something wrong and somehow wrong. He just doesn't love you at all.
Self pity!
Self-pity is one of the most common and habitual patterns of behavior. It allows you to feel special, demand care and attention to yourself, shift responsibility for your life, feelings and health to your partner, and most importantly - do nothing!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and, oh, miracle, you will understand that you have a choice: leave or stay.
Make a decision and make a plan of action.
If you have made the choice to leave, you will have to act. To reduce fear and anxiety, it is necessary to minimize the areas of the unknown. Decide: on what means you will live, where and with whom, who will help protect your rights and property during a divorce, how to fill your new life. A step-by-step plan for getting out of a problem relationship will give you strength and confidence.
Don't wait until he leaves you, end the relationship first.
Has he left you more than once? Did you go to someone else? Threatened with divorce? And every time you felt as if the earth had opened up under your feet ... Leave first. This way you will be able to carry the pieces of your self-esteem with you and not experience the trauma of abandonment.
And of course, get rid of childhood trauma and horror of loneliness.
The moment you forget that relationships are only part your life.... When a partner who does not respect you, who simply “plays” with you, becomes archaic for you, and his interests and opinion are more priority for you than your own, the first thing to do is to admit to yourself that you are not love this person, you are dependent on him!
What is a destructive relationship?
A neurotic relationship is a relationship in which you feel bad and uncomfortable, while a healthy relationship enriches both partners. The state when one person experiences a super-strong need for a relationship with another is not love, it is a problem that must and can be solved.
Such a problem is not always easy to solve, because the addict first wants everything to be “as before” - so that the relationship brings happiness. But the more an emotionally dependent person tries, the more negative energy, anger, tension, misunderstanding, and sometimes even hatred accumulate in such relationships. The victim is angry with himself (because he got involved in this game), with his partner (because he started these manipulations) and with the current situation as a whole (wildly angry that “as before” is no longer working). When you "grow" to a man who, in general, does not care about you, you stop developing. And his game will continue until you stop it!
Signs of destructive (neurotic) and normal relationships
In a normal relationship, there is no victim or manipulator. A partner who loves you will not use you for their own purposes. The manipulator directly needs your tension, your attention, your experiences, your concentration on him. Love is not a game, don't let anyone play with you and your feelings.
How not to get stuck in a neurotic relationship?
Surely your manipulator wants love himself, but does not know how to show it. But you should not feel sorry for him - he will definitely use your compassion for his own purposes. A way out of a painful relationship that is destroying you is possible. How to break a neurotic relationship? How to break up with a guy who does not love and does not appreciate you? You just have to understand for yourself that it's time to end the relationship where you are being used and open up to the world, hobbies, worthy man.
It makes no sense to continue to grab onto a destructive relationship, where one - does not respect and does not appreciate the partner, manipulates him, and the other - starts to go crazy, feeling not good enough / suitable and more than unhappy.
Love addiction (addiction) differs from the feeling of love in that it does not bring joy, a feeling of happiness, warmth, but brings suffering and a depressed mood, a person feels empty.
Methods of dealing with emotional addiction
Emotional addiction can and should be dealt with. Psychologists recommend the following methods of dealing with addiction:
1) Love yourself. From the heart, sincerely, honestly. If you find it difficult to do it yourself, use the recommendations of proven psychologists. Go to trainings, courses, read specials. literature;
2) Find your favorite activity. It is important. So you can express yourself, develop your abilities, or even unexpectedly discover a new talent;
3) Stop rejecting the support of loved ones and friends. Stop constantly canceling meetings with friends;
4) Engage in self-development, expand your horizons, increase self-esteem, read a lot, attend exhibitions, concerts, go to the theater;
5) Diversify your leisure time, try to discover new hobbies: shaping, yoga, foreign language courses, makeup courses, SEO courses, blogging. It could be anything. The main thing is that this activity should be (!) and bring you joy;
6) Dedicate yourself to sports, career, hobbies. You yourself will not notice how your attitude towards yourself, the world and men will change. There will be a transformation in everything!
“There is no more effective way in the world than male deceit to make a woman’s walk more elegant, her body sexier, and her soul smarter. Scum as an incentive. And only we understand that this word means both the most hated and the most beloved in the world at the same time.
7) Do not control who you were in a destructive relationship with: no checks “when was the last time you were online”, etc. Forget about everything that was connected with him.
8) Set personal boundaries, value personal space, time and myself. Remember, you are a Person! Create a new world in which there will be a place for your favorite activities and hobbies.
9) Take it for granted: life is beautiful and amazing. Take everything from life. Grab opportunities by the throat and confidently go to your goals!
10) When entering a new life, into a new relationship, remember that you cannot make your partner the main and only joy of life. It turns out that in this situation you will have only one support - and if it collapses, you will also fall.
All these tips are suitable for those who realize that they are beginning to experience emotional dependence or understand that they have already "dissolved" in a partner. If you feel like you can't handle it on your own, see a professional. Getting rid of codependency requires constant work on yourself and relationships. You will succeed!
Destructive relationships. Signs.The human body is capable of miracles - partially digest and assimilate poisons and toxins. The nervous system can withstand more - adapt to destructive relationships. It's about adjusting, getting used to an unhealthy atmosphere and hoping for a change for the better. Therefore, a person is ready to close his eyes to what is happening and plunge into his reality, non-existent worlds, in the timeless expectation of a miracle. How to identify a toxic relationship?
1. Emptiness. Such relationships do not inspire, rather, on the contrary, they are pressed to the ground. After communication, there is a feeling of emptiness, oppressive fatigue with squeezed lemon syndrome.
2. Finding out for the sake of finding out. The process of finding out who is right and who is wrong throughout the communication. Communication is based on mutual claims. According to the principle of condemnation-justification. There is no change or improvement on either side. Even if one partner tries to correct the situation or adjust to the desires of the other, there are errors in his actions.
3. Low self-esteem. The partner's successes are perceived critically, with envy and discontent. Self-development fades into the background, the potential is called into question. The partner raises his self-esteem by lowering the self-esteem of the other. Gratitude is missing.
4. Frequent mood swings. Mood swings - from ostentatious cheerfulness to dramatic hysteria, from love and care to anger and rage. Refusal to explain the reason, pauses in conversations, theatrical departure to nowhere, manipulations with the phone - ignoring calls, interrupting the conversation. The last phrase should remain for those who are right.
5. Desire for control. Full awareness of all the affairs of the partner, the imposition of his opinion, how and what to say and do. Requiring accountability for actions, thoughts, breathing.
6. Intestinal upset. The body's security system reacts to unhealthy relationships with psychosomatic pain, gastrointestinal disorders. Otherwise: where there is love and support, a person is freed from many ailments.
7. Resentment with a taste of jealousy. Mistrust. Resentment that a partner can enjoy life on their own, even worse - with someone else. Emotional blackmail based on guilt. Jealousy of friends, relatives, of the opposite sex. The desire to be the center of the universe, as well as power over a partner and his complete obedience.
8. Negative over the edge. Everything that happens in the life of a partner and in the world around us is perceived negatively and gloomy. “Everything is bad” is the main motto. The partner is sure that someone is to blame for his unhappy life, accuses the outside world of all mortal sins. Stays in permanent disappointment and expectation of the apocalypse.
Relationships are mutual work, work for the benefit of oneself, a loved one and everything around. Poisonous relationships not only poison, they take away the most precious resource - time. On the other hand, being in a toxic atmosphere is convenient - there is self-pity, pride from an unbearable burden and a weighty excuse for everything that did not work out. Do not lightly forget that responsibility for your life and choice is an affordable luxury.