How to distinguish a loser from a successful Cancer man. How to distinguish a Decent Man from a Loser on a first date? What is really worth paying attention to when meeting
I constantly say what kind of woman you need to become, how to improve your rating and what skills you need to have in order to snatch a successful man from the crowd of losers, attract him and drag him to the registry office. And you, for sure, are offended and think: “Why doesn’t Pavel Alexandrovich talk about men, what criteria they must meet.” Well, let's fill this gap.
A man is the foundation of relationships, and you are the soil on which the foundation is laid. And even if you have a healthy developed body, powerful intellect, spiritual qualities and inexhaustible reserves of internal energy, the wrong man can reduce your results in life. With a poor foundation, the "home" of your relationship won't last long.
Problematic man or potentially successful? 6 evaluation criteria
You already know about the four components of the female rating and adequately evaluate yourself. If you don't know, read
And here are the very 6 criteria by which you can evaluate a man:
1. Genes
Try to find out from the man who his parents are, what they do, ask about his father. If his father is a high-ranking military man, a professor, a businessman, an authoritative doctor or an honored specialist in another field, this is a big plus.
2. Health
Serious chronic diseases are a deep minus. And in the best case, this man will strive to acquire a “zero” state, to get out of the disease, which will take a lot of his internal and financial resources, and you will have to support him on this difficult path. Are you sure that the “zero” state is the result you expect in life?
In addition, the health of your joint children will directly depend on the health of a man. So try to find out information about this before you run with him to the registry office.
3. Diligence and efficiency
For a hardworking man, there are no excuses like “They don’t take me anywhere”, “There is no work in the city”, “Everywhere a penny salary”, “The working conditions are not satisfied”. It does not depend on the labor market situation, salary statistics and other factors. If he has a sense of responsibility for the family, he will break himself into a cake so that his woman and children live in abundance.
Love a lazy man - then love your work. And even better - take a part-time job, because you will have to plow all your life. You will sew up the arrows on the tights and have one pair of shoes for the season. Do you want that?
4. Honor and confidence
Self-esteem, along with a decent attitude towards women and people in general, is worth a lot. A man must have a core, an inner confidence that makes him the creator of his own life, while the losers remain slaves of circumstances.
5. Self love
A man should not be a dumb workhorse that you can exploit mercilessly. Self-love means that he takes care of his health, develops himself physically, intellectually and spiritually, invests in self-education.
6. Love for people
See how he communicates with his relatives, colleagues or subordinates. Pay attention to how he treats even the attendants - the cleaner, the janitor, the concierge, the waiter, the housekeeper. If he is rude to people who are lower in social status, you should be wary.
How to recognize a failed man?
Your task already on the first date is to assess the possibilities of a man as a candidate for husbands. You can chirp sweetly, but on the inside, you have to be focused and astute - like a president in strategically important negotiations. What decision you will make regarding this state (i.e. men) and what long-term consequences this will have - that's what you need to think about.
And stop being dumb! And how it happens with most “hungry” girls: they go on dates once every five years, and for the joy of communicating with a living man, they turn off their brains. Girls try to notice only the good, and the bad are ignored or justified.
Here are 8 tips on how to distinguish a loser from a successful or potentially successful man:
1. Ask him what his purpose is
Ask questions about what he has achieved, what he is most proud of, what his goal is. And most importantly - what he is doing now to achieve his goal. He can tell you three boxes about a mythical goal, but concrete actions in the present tense - now - are harder to come up with on the go.
To keep it from feeling like an interview or interrogation, you can share a little about your goals and accomplishments to draw him into the conversation. A loser will immediately merge from the topic, and a successful or potentially successful one will begin to develop it.
2. Try to find out why he is doing it
The scale of a successful man's personality extends beyond money. He doesn't want to make money so he can fall on the couch and drink beer for the rest of his life. His motto "Movement is life". Work gives him moral satisfaction, pleasure. In the process of labor, he is realized, and he can never sit in one place. He will constantly generate new ideas and launch projects.
Why are some Western businessmen investing in the development of space tourism? Yes, because they need to grow somewhere - this is their acute internal need! They cannot just sit with their billions - the vector of their development is directed to infinity.
3. Pay attention to what time he talks about his achievements
If a man talks only about the past - what cool and dashing things he did in ancient times, and does not say anything about the present and plans for the future, then this is a bad sign. Perhaps now it is regressing or stopped in development. And not the fact that you can force him to rush into battle again.
If he enthusiastically speaks only about the future, when he will invent a time machine and will carry tourists during the time of Peter the Great, then perhaps he is just a talker who does nothing in real life.
4. Look at the mood with which he tells all this
If he seems to have sand on his teeth creaking, and his mood is more gloomy than enthusiastic - this is also not a very good sign. Perhaps he is in the wrong place, is engaged in an unloved business, and such success is unlikely to be long-term.
5. Track the speed of reactions and decision making
A high reaction rate is what distinguishes a successful man from a loser. In men, this is called “solving problems”.
If, when an emergency situation arises, he is nervous, like an exalted lady, emotional about how everything got him sick, then you have a man with a psychotype of a loser. He strives for comfort and rages when something from the outside disturbs his peace.
6. Attention to speech turns
If a man uses phrases like “someone failed”, “it’s not my fault”, “such circumstances”, “time is difficult”, “you can’t earn money with honest work”, then he is inclined to shift responsibility to other people and a combination of circumstances. A successful man never relieves himself of responsibility for his mood, behavior and achievements.
7. See how he treats his ex-wife and kids
He doesn't pay child support and sends his ex-wife to hell? Then where is the guarantee that in a few years he will not do this to you and your joint children? A successful man, even if he broke up with a woman, will fulfill his obligations to his children and will not stoop to insulting his ex-wife.
8. Don't be fooled by a cool car and suit
An expensive car and clothes are not yet an indicator. Some gigolos rent cars and costumes to hang noodles on the girls' ears.
Also, your handsome man may turn out to be “daddy's son”, “major”. As soon as dad cuts off his financial flows, he will start winding snot around his fist.
If dad is gone, and he inherited, the money is easy to squander. And in a few years he will descend to the level of the social pyramid, which he really corresponds to. Undeserved wealth in the hands of an infantile heir slips through his fingers - this is a natural outcome.
What to do if you find signs of a loser in a man, but you still like him?
You decide. Just a warning: not every man can be made successful. At my events, I give girls about 20 tricks to motivate a man, but at some they may not work. As I usually say: if you motivate an idiot, you will get a motivated idiot.
However, there is good news - there are only 1% of such useless men. I hope you don't fall into this one! And in order not to get into trouble, follow my advice and ask men the right questions.
How to make your man successful and achieve your desired goals yourself, you will learn at my show training "Success". I will reveal to you the author's technology for achieving maximum success in business and in personal life.
And what is he, a successful man? Can you recognize him in a crowd? Probably, many women will say yes, you can. Here he comes, in a business suit and with a briefcase in his hand, his gaze radiates calm and confidence. However, everything is not so simple. Why beautiful appearance and good material wealth do not always mean "success" says the specialist of the clinic "Insight" doctor-psychologist-psychotherapist Tatyana Koroleva.
Strength, confidence, protection
Undoubtedly, for every woman, a successful man is associated primarily with strength, confidence, and protection. At the subconscious level, she chooses a partner for herself to create a family, good offspring. With a self-confident person, a woman will always be safe, and if he is strong and courageous, then she will give birth to full-fledged children from him. Therefore, many women are intuitively attracted to famous, successful men, with good material wealth - you can trust him, gain stability.
The reverse side of success
A successful man is always a revolutionary, and every woman unconsciously wants to obey him, go and make mistakes after him. These traditions are preserved in eastern countries: there a man is always right, but a woman has a subtle mind, intuition, and sensitivity. In our society, unfortunately, there are too many infantile men who do not know how to keep their word, to take responsibility. Despite external social success, good income, most of these men are infantile inside themselves. Achieving success, they cross a certain line, and together with the halo of fame, "star disease" they have a lot of connections, divorces, they cease to be responsible for children. Therefore, a woman is afraid to follow such a man, and she begins to strive for independence.
Big money - big temptations
An attribute of power, strength has always been prestige, celebrity, and for many women this is a signal that “I will have thoroughbred offspring, good genes, strength endurance”, “if a person has achieved this, then he is strong”, “he managed to break through in society , so it’s not scary to follow him.” However, very wealthy men are now a source of great concern for women. Most women choose men with a slightly above average income for serious relationships and starting a family. People with big money live by completely different principles, in an isolated world, too many restrictions are imposed on them. There are more temptations, there are their own laws, their own “toys”. How comfortable a low-class woman will be with such a man is a big question. As a rule, such men are happy when they find a woman from their social stratum who will not allow them to “wipe their feet on themselves”, endure humiliation because of money. There are, of course, exceptions when harmonious relationships in an unequal marriage persist for a long time. But a woman needs to do a lot of psychological work on herself, to be very strong so as not to feel hurt.
President or bank officer?
In itself, the concept of success is very relative. It all depends on what bar we set for ourselves. For one, success means the position of president, for another - a small businessman, for a third - a bank employee. When a person achieves what he wanted, he feels like an absolutely normal, accomplished member of society. He is successful in his own eyes, and this “internal” success is “mirrored” into social success: I have achieved what I aspired to, I look good, I feel good, and others perceive me the same way. You can reach great heights, but at the same time be dissatisfied with yourself (I wanted to become president, but became vice president), and this uncertainty will manifest itself in gait, in gestures, in speech.
Careerist
You have probably met a man who has achieved very little, but exudes confidence. He may be a little wild, not very smart, but he is still very popular with women. He's small, fat and bald, but damn charming! On the other hand, you can meet a businessman with a bunch of complexes, unsure of his appearance and sexual attractiveness. When a person disappears from morning till night in the gyms, at any remark addressed to him, he becomes depressed, this is already a reason to turn to a psychologist. He is endlessly focused on new heights, conquers them endlessly, and still feels uncomfortable. By status, he is already quite high, but people are moving away from him. Why? Because those around you feel this constant tension, uncertainty. In principle, reaching new heights is, of course, good, it is a certain charge of positivism, cheerfulness, but if a person, reaching a goal, experiences depression, this is already a psychological problem. A person cannot live like a robot and not notice something beautiful around. If a man completely goes into careerism, it means that something is wrong inside him. Success should bring joy, it should not interfere with enjoying the outside world, being harmonious in the family. As a careerist, he usually thinks: now I will achieve this, and then I will get a wife. This is how all life goes.
Jonah
Society gives us such guidelines: a man must build a house, plant a tree and raise a son. In modern society, if a man is over 30, then he must have a car, an apartment, a career, a family, a harmonious person nearby - then he may be successful. And if he didn’t really study, he didn’t earn money, he doesn’t have an apartment or a car, he can’t support his family, then, of course, he didn’t take place in the eyes of society. In other words, this is a loser - a person whom they do not want to equal, for whom they feel regret. It is unpleasant for a person who strives for something to be in the company of losers, because she pulls him back, behind her, and does not charge him with positive.
A woman loves not only with her ears
If we talk about appearance, we need to return to our subconscious again. Women instinctively choose men who are healthy, neat, shaved, with good skin, clean hair. All this at the subconscious level tells the woman that he is genetically healthy, normal, he will have good offspring. Therefore, it is not at all necessary for a man to have natural external data in order to be considered successful. For a woman, his neat, fresh appearance, confident look, and inner charm are often much more important.
Success Criteria
Summing up, we can name the main features that our society ascribes to a successful man. This is a person who, firstly, pays attention to his physical "I", keeps his body in order: a sick person cannot be successful. Secondly, he develops his mental “I”, intellectual abilities: a woman still loves with her ears, and a man who opened his mouth cannot connect two words, speaks in an “obscene” language, immediately repels. And, finally, he should think about his spiritual "I": the fair sex is always attracted by sensuality, emotionality.
There are no unsuccessful men
They say that there are no ugly women, there are women who do not know how to be beautiful, do not know how to present themselves. To some extent, this also applies to men. To be successful, it is not at all necessary to have the appearance of Alain Delon and the fortune of Boris Berezovsky. If you love yourself, know how to present yourself from the side of your mind, and manners, and conversation, and image, know how to support your word with deeds, then any woman will want to follow you.
Julia Hotanovskaya
If you live in a society, then sooner or later you will face the fact that something is expected of you. By the age of 30, women are usually expected to get married, and men are expected to have a decent job and a stable income. The criteria for female success are gradually changing - in addition to a husband, it would be nice to have a source of income, and little has changed in the world of men. Men who are able to provide for and feed their families are still valued. True, now, sociologists say, it is not at all necessary for a successful man to get a mammoth with his bare hands - physical strength is now not held in high esteem. The SHE correspondent found out what modern women understand by male success and whether it is possible to make a successful man out of a loser.
It won't be enough
“And what does he do?”, - mothers are cautiously interested in their daughters in love. It is still shameful to ask openly about the amount of wages, but it is no longer considered shameful to admit that the latitude of the soul alone is not enough for family life. Men complain about the excessive practicality of women - hints of the ability to get a living in the form of flexing muscles no longer work.
“In modern Russia, a completely definite image of a successful person has been formed. This is, first of all, a person with high material wealth. This is the basis of the Western system of liberal values, which are actively assimilated in modern Russian society, - says Natalia Churkina, Associate Professor of the Department of Social Work and Social Anthropology, NSTU, adding that women have reduced requirements for male physical strength - in a modern technized society, it is not so important.
As an experienced woman, society pays attention to deeds, not words, therefore it always relies on facts - expensive clothes, a car and an apartment in the center will interest you much more than the color of a diploma and a sparkling sense of humor. However, certain masculine qualities are valued and excite the female part of the population more than a tight wallet.
“In our society, self-confidence, authority, but at the same time generosity are valued. What is definitely not allowed is weakness, self-doubt, vulnerability,
says Rimma Efimkina. In understanding male success representatives there are no significant differences between the two sexes. The only exception is relationships with women. A long list of military victories on the love front will cause respect among men, but a woman, of course, appreciating the high demand, will react rather negatively to this fact.
All lost
A loser (from the English verb to lose - to lose), or a loser, is often called those who did not have time to reach stereotypical peaks by a certain date. For some, it is a matter of time - everyone determines their peaks and terms for their achievement, for others - a stigma for life. In the first case, a woman can help and help, but there are few people who want to get involved with men from the second category. And the point is not in material trouble, but in the evil humility with which such men perceive their hardships of fate. They do not want to fight, do not try to change anything, blaming others for their problems.
“Losers are treated with contempt and pity,” says Rimma Efimkina. “They are insecure, vulnerable and weak.” "These people are highly irritable. and irritability they constantly blame others for their failures, - adds psychologist Zhanna Gurieva. “They are not distinguished by a good disposition, but by hatred of others and lack of empathy, they have a meager inner life, brightened up by alcohol.”
Find differences
Let's not talk about women who, without representing themselves, are trying to find an accomplished man and succeed by climbing on his neck. Let's hope our readers don't. But it's not fair blame Masha, who managed to make her own business on her own, for not wanting to marry the drunk Vaska or the apathetic unemployed classmate Seryoga.
According to experts, it is dangerous to connect your life with a man who is prone to addictions, is focused only on his own interests and has an external locus of control.
“People with an external locus of control tend to attribute the consequences of their actions to circumstances,” explains Natalia Churkina. - They are called externals, since they attribute responsibility for their activities exclusively to external conditions.
The opposite type is internals. People of this type consider only themselves responsible for the results of their activities.
According to Rimma Efimkina, it is easy to distinguish a potential loser from a successful man: there are four basic rights in which the first, unlike the second, denies himself.
- Right into existence- a successful person sits completely on the entire seat, firmly puts his feet, spreads his knees wide, throws his hands behind his head, from this becoming even “higher”. Unsuccessful demonstrates the opposite traits.
- right to needs and their satisfaction. A successful person clearly understands his needs and sets goals. If obstacles stand in his way, he does not perceive this as a tragedy of his whole life and is looking for ways to overcome them. An unsuccessful person is poorly aware of his needs, and even if he is aware, does not satisfy. There is always a reason for this - no money, no good job offers, a headache and the boss is a fool.
- The right to territory and its protection. A successful person occupies a lot of territory - he has a big house, a big car. And if someone encroaches on the border, he will protect them. The unsuccessful one tries to take up less space, and if someone encroaches on his territory, he does not defend himself, but surrenders.
- The right to love is realized in relationships with people. A successful man easily builds relationships, he is everyone's favorite. The Unsuccessful Has Difficulties in communications does not love himself and behaves in such a way that they do not love him.
Do not push me
And yet, it is worth remembering that modern men have a hard time - inflated social expectations primarily affect those who, by virtue of their nature, cannot always be the main and first (at the same time, they can have a lot of advantages).
“The feeling that he does not justify the hopes and expectations placed on him often gives rise to the syndrome of “failed masculinity” in a man,
can contribute to an increase in depressive moods, social apathy, and refusal to deal with difficulties, ”explains Natalia Churkina.
Women play a significant role here. According to psychologists, whether a successful man grows out of a boy depends primarily on his mother. But it may also happen that another woman takes on this function and with her love helps a man succeed - such was, for example, Lilya Brik for Vladimir Mayakovsky and Gala for Salvador Dali.
“Still, the sharp rejection of gender stereotypes by modern women (when a woman is soft and understanding) does more harm than good,” says Natalia Churkina. - First of all, a man needs respect, which modern women often forget about. According to the theory of "mirror self", a person becomes the way others see him. If a man is constantly told that he is a loser and lazy, he will consider himself such and correspondingly behave".
Valeria Belenkaya
What is the difference between a successful man, who is both in sorrow and in joy, who is both support and support, from a loser? What is the difference between a man with whom a woman is happy, with whom her eyes burn, and a man with whom a woman is forced to become strong?
What trend have I noticed? Something unpleasant happens in life, some difficulty has arisen, a problem. Sometimes this difficulty and problem is small, and sometimes there is a big, so to speak, difficult difficulty. Illnesses of loved ones or their own, parting, financial difficulties, with serious difficulties, problems with housing. In general, it is clear what problems a person has.
So the one who is successful, at first he is in shock, it is hard for him, it is difficult to understand and accept what is happening to him. But this period is relatively short. And what's next? Then this man, who is successful, pulls himself together, so to speak, and begins to think - what should I do? How to act? What to change, improve, what specialists to find, where to get additional part-time work in order to improve financial circumstances? And after such thinking, he takes and begins to do. And does, does, does. Puffs, so to speak. He tries, he fights, he gets out of where he is. And again he thinks and analyzes. Why did he find himself in such an “ambush”, what needs to be changed in himself, what strategies of his are not working? What was his behavior that caused all this trouble? And does it again. Does, does, does.
He has no time to whine, he has no time to complain, he has no time to feel sorry for himself. He needs to feed his family, raise his children, take care of his wife so that her eyes shine with happiness, and so that in the eyes of these same ones he sees the pride with which she looks at him. So that he can see how she admires him, how she respects him and how much she values him. And it doesn’t matter that there may not be some kind of super wealth, for his woman the main thing is that he is a support, he is a support, that he fights, moves, tries to fix and change something. And that she and their children are supported. That keeps them all disappointed in him.
Why does he do this? Yes, because once he is different. He has no time to whine and pity himself, he pities his wife and children. He should be an example and a support for them. With such a man, life is not scary. This is what you will follow in the snow and in the snowstorm, and you will go to the North, and you will believe in it, and provide for its rear, and cook coffee, and cook pies. And you will give birth to children easily, with pleasure. After all, nothing is scary with such a man, even when everything is completely bad, he will not finish off his woman with whining and self-pity. He will hug her, pull her closer to him and begin to tell her what he ALREADY DONE, what he does every day, and what he will do next.
This is understandable, this is such a successful man. And here is the desire to believe in such a hunt, here is such a hunt to inspire, here for such at least where, if only next to him. If only the children grew up with such a father, no matter where.
What about a loser? What is the one with which a woman becomes strong? With which she has longing and disappointment in her eyes?
What does he do when problems, troubles, illnesses, financial difficulties occur? What is he? Where is he? Yes, he's nothing. He is not here. Or he ran away and disappeared from difficulties, and sometimes this is far from the worst option. Often, after such runaways, a woman herself rises, and then she meets a man much better.
And the second option is that he sits at the woman's skirt and whines. Whine, whine, whine. Or he lies down on the sofa, they say he has depression. Everything is bad with him. Nobody appreciates him, nobody needs him, he can't do anything. That's where he gets depressed. But to do something, solve problems, work, work and work again, help a woman, raise children, but he has no time. He's busy with a great thing - self-pity and whining.
Instead of doing something, taking some steps, analyzing his successful strategies of behavior and unsuccessful ones, working, puffing, trying, instead of all this, he talks. He talks and talks, talks about how bad everything is, how hard it has become to live, how everything happens not at all the way he wanted and what he aspired to. He "sits down" on the woman's ears, and after a while she feels exhausted, devastated, de-energized. And it's good if she realized in time who she got. If she threw off the feeling of pity that is so inherent in us women in time, and told him: “All this is certainly interesting, but I have neither the time nor the desire to listen to your whining. Either do something to fix the situation, or goodbye." In this regard, I like the chapter on women's pity for men and how to throw off such a whiner from yourself in R. Kirranov's books.
Here is what he writes about this, quoting an excerpt from the book:
« In summary, pity works with women and how it works.
You can tell me that in your case it is not. That the men who try to put pressure on you for pity cause you to contempt, that you don't like them, that ...
That's what 98 percent of women say. And in fact, when men are very rudely pressing on pity, then this is exactly what happens. The man begins to disgust the woman.
But understand that the maternal instinct is an extremely powerful instinct and has very powerful manifestations in life. If the manipulation of pity rarely worked, then I would not write about this exception to the rule..
Unfortunately, this manipulation works quite well if it is at least a little stretched in time.
For example, at the first meeting, a man does not complain.
At the second meeting, the man briefly tells the story of unhappy love.
On the third story about how he rescued cats from trees and the cat, in gratitude for this, bit his finger.
Then something else.
And if he does not go too far, then extremely often the manipulation works to a greater or lesser extent. In addition, manipulation rarely goes alone. Along with this manipulation, some or even several other manipulations can go. (Not about pity) And, maybe, one manipulation would not work, but several will work. I wrote in great detail about terry manipulators and their strategies in my book - I recommend reading it, it will come in handy in life.
So, pity, as a means of manipulation, is used by men quite often, and extremely often this manipulation works on women if it is not carried out too rudely. This manipulation corresponds to the deep instincts of a woman and therefore it is impossible to completely get rid of it, you can only learn to control yourself. And you need to get rid of such a loser as soon as possible.
Maybe you tell yourself or me that "well, let it put pressure on pity." After all, the main thing is that a person is good.
This is the deepest delusion. If a man puts pressure on pity, if he periodically whines and seems to depend on a woman, then this does not mean at all that such a man, due to his dependence on a woman, will be reliable and will be near such a woman under any difficult life circumstances that inevitably occur in life.
No, a man prone to excessive manipulation of pity is not reliable and he will leave as soon as it seems to him that there is a more convenient, successful or profitable option.
He will not be held back by gratitude for the fact that you helped him for many years, nothing will hold him back. He'll just leave and you won't even understand why."
To get rid of such losers, you need to learn to value yourself and your life. Indeed, often a woman tolerates such a semblance of a man, and even pulls him on herself. Provides for himself, children and him in addition, listens to his whining, does not drive him to work, and does not drive him out of the house. She turns into a zombie woman who is forced to become a man, and who no longer has the strength and time for the joy of communicating with children, for the joy of herself, of her life.
Do you need it? If you recognize yourself in such a woman, think about it, because you yourself endure and allow yourself to live with such a whiner. Why do you need it? Are you so assertive at the expense of him? Do you feel stronger and more successful? Do you feel your need, that without you he will be lost? Do you feel what kind of "hero" you are in a skirt, or rather even in trousers?
Think about why you yourself need to endure such a semblance of a man and why you are not ready to live with a successful person worthy of your love and respect.
Often this is a consequence of generic programs. But that's a topic for another article. This is the topic of a separate book. An article on how to work out generic scenarios can be read
Sincerely, Anastasia Guy.