Mom makes me feel guilty. Manipulative parents: how to get rid of guilt before parents? Deciding to change your behavior
Good afternoon. I ask for help, because I myself can’t solve the problem with the constantly present feeling of guilt towards my parents.
I am 23, 2 colleges, I work in my specialty, I am always fond of something, I study music and foreign languages, I am married, I rent an apartment with my husband. But at the same time, I constantly feel guilty towards my parents, despite the fact that I understand intellectually that my life is already quite correct.
This feeling of guilt was cultivated in me by my mother since childhood. I had to bring only fives from school, if fours suddenly slipped, I was declared a lazy person and a loafer, and for threes (several times in all the years of study) they stopped loving me at all. With words like "of course we love you, but after SUCH I don't even want to talk to you", pursing lips and then ignoring for several days. In addition, my parents constantly decided something for me without asking if I needed it. Dad could go to some teacher at the university, about whom I mentioned at home that he was a beast and it would be very difficult to pass the exam, and start negotiating for passing my exam, without even talking to me before, without asking if I want such help or do it myself.
Same thing now. Nothing has changed. Dad calls me and says: "I made an agreement there about new work for you, I don’t like the place where you work now. " Needless to say, no one consulted with me before going to negotiate. And this despite the fact that I good job, and the salary is in fact more than on the new one that he found, and relations in the team are better. I met with the person with whom dad agreed, I just couldn’t help but meet, we talked very sincerely and came to the conclusion that this place was not for me - constant stress, strain, lack of holidays and work on weekends. But before my parents, I still remained guilty, because I did not accept their help.
Any decisions that I make without prior discussion with my parents are taken with hostility. Now my parents don't like that I go to a driving school because I didn't ask their advice before I signed up. On the New Year my husband and I were going to go to another city to old friends, and this also caused a storm of emotions, because we would not come to them, and besides, we did not ask permission to travel.
In addition, every time i do somethingif my parents didn't like it - my first priority is to make sure that they don't know about it. And often these are completely normal things for me personally. If my colleagues and I go to a cafe on payday to celebrate this, I am terribly afraid that now my parents will call and find out about it, because, in their opinion, I should stay at home and cook dinner, it’s not decent for me as a girl to spend somewhere time without a husband. Mom in such cases usually begins to tell that if I continue to hang around somewhere in the evenings, my husband will definitely find a mistress and leave me for her, and what will I do then, I will bite my elbows. If I miss a lesson in a driving school or in English, I just feel guilty (not before a driving school, but before my parents), I seriously feel like a worthless, irresponsible lazy person, although I perfectly understand that I will somehow solve this problem, just I do more at home. Moreover, my husband is always on my side, he does not mind if I spend my free time the way I want, we never had quarrels because I went out somewhere without him, just as he can go out with friends without me. However, despite this, every time I again feel guilty for what I bad wife, but again same not before husband.
Yes, and the relationship with my husband, in which all love and respect has long gone, and which do not lead anywhere, I cannot break, because my parents will not approve of this, I can’t even imagine how I will come to them and say, “Mom, dad, we decided to get a divorce, "but they will eat me with giblets and at the same time they will be so disappointed and offended, with a face" I always knew that nothing good would come of you.
I realize that sooner or later I will have to do this, because this is really an unproductive relationship, and you can’t put it off forever, but I can’t bring myself to admit to my parents that our marriage has outlived itself.
I really want to get rid of this constant feeling of guilt, it prevents me from breathing, but I can’t do it, I constantly look around like a thief, not to do something that my parents would not like.
Mother - main figure for the child, and remains so throughout his life. Her feelings, mood, behavior have a direct impact on the life and health of the baby. This article will discuss why a woman who has become a mother and educates may experience strong feeling guilt before him. How does it affect relationships in the family and all its members? What can she do to reduce his influence?
The appeal of a mother who is acutely aware of her guilt towards a child is quite common in psychological counseling phenomenon. Often a woman comes to a specialist already in such a state, when the feeling of her own guilt and unworthiness to be called a mother is very strong and practically does not allow her to live in peace. Against the background of strong negative and self-destructive emotions, she loses sleep, appetite, has no strength and desire to do anything, is in a depressive mood.
Where does a woman's guilt come from?
- Every guilt implies a punishment. Usually, people who are literally used to being punished are subjected to frequent experience - perhaps, in childhood, their parents shifted responsibility for their angry feelings, experiences and unfairly accused them.
- The mother may feel guilty if she is prone to perfectionism. The desire for perfection makes a woman try to live in such a way as not to make mistakes, to do everything and live according to the plan. Then, in her opinion, if the child makes a mistake, she is to blame for this - she did not explain well enough, showed bad example, was too strict or vice versa.
- A woman experiences a strong sense of guilt in front of a child when she has certain expectations for him, but he grows up and does not justify them. Then she realizes that perhaps she is not raising him that way, she does not love enough, she spends time with him incorrectly (a lot or a little). Then she feels guilty for her “wrong” attitude towards the baby and usually says: “It’s my fault that he is so absent-minded (spoiled, shy) because I did too much for him (I allowed everything, limited)”.
A person who is prone to feelings of guilt will find something to scold himself for. Once again. When a mother feels guilty all around, her mood deteriorates, she stops living in the present, her thoughts are often occupied not with real joys or problems, but most often with far-fetched self-accusations. In this case, she may develop hyperresponsibility - she is so closely connected with the child that she ceases to understand what she is responsible for in life and what the baby is responsible for. Then, if there was a failure, her feelings and guilt are also doubled.
What to do?
- Make a decision to deal with guilt - to establish the reasons for its appearance, objects, hidden "benefits".
- Decide to live without guilt.
- Take clear sheet paper and write down everything for which you scold and blame yourself.
- Become a lawyer for yourself for a while and, opposite each accusatory statement, write an acquittal that forgives significant positive traits of your personality, which you undoubtedly have and which would help you look at yourself from a different perspective.
Child and mother's guilt
How younger child, the more he is dependent on what feelings the mother experiences. It happens that they “take” feelings and complexes of character from parents that adults cannot cope with. For this reason, to child psychologist often bring children with neuroses, tics, fears, for the development of which, it would seem, there is no objective reasons. While working with the family, it often turns out that the cause of unstable emotional reactions in children in the feelings of the mother, which she tries to hide or avoid.
The same thing happens with guilt - children subtly feel and understand if the mother is "overwhelmed" by him. Therefore, it is important for a woman to get rid of him not only for her own sake, but also for the sake of the peace and well-being of her children.
Free time for children
What to do if a mother blames herself for not being able to give her child as much free time as she wants, because she works hard, feels unwell, or is more busy raising younger children?
- Recognize that there is a problem, it causes inconvenience and decide to get rid of it.
- To understand that sometimes it is enough for a child that his mother gives him half an hour or an hour a day of full attention - read, play, talk about what is important to him.
- Divide household, work, and important chores among other family members so that you can devote more free time to your child.
Some mothers give the child to, however, they begin to scold themselves for the fact that they do not spend most of the time with the baby, but the caregivers, who, in fact, are strangers to children.
In this case, you need to prioritize. Ask yourself the question: what makes you leave the child in the garden? Is it possible to translate it to home schooling or minimize the time spent there? If this is not possible, it is worth considering how you can improve the quality of communication with the child, which will allow you to give him more warmth, attention, care, love?
Arrange joint weekends more often, have an active rest, with the whole family, so that the child goes to Kindergarten filled, satisfied and happy after communicating with you.
Children's problems and fears
It happens that the baby suffers from personality complexes - he is afraid of something, shows aggression, has sleep or appetite disorders. Increased anxiety in mothers makes us look for the roots of the reasons for this in their behavior. For example, a mother suspects that the child has suffered from psychological trauma when she divorced his father, he was frightened of the dog when she was not around, he was offended by other children, and she could not protect.
In this case, you should assess the scale of the problem and decide how it can be eliminated. In the case when children really have behavioral and psychological disorders and this prevents them from communicating normally and feeling good, it is better to seek help from a child psychologist.
The mother must understand that even if she is overly controlling and caring, she will not be able to protect the child from all problems and negative impact environment.
If you want to grow independent person capable of taking care of himself later life, you should “let go” of the thought that you are guilty of absolutely everything that happens in the life of a child, and the older he is, the stronger this rule works.
Work on your guilt on your own or with the help of a professional. The sooner you get rid of it, the better the children will feel in the family, and you will find inner peace and health.
The painful feeling of guilt is familiar to all of us. But what is it? Dictionary gives two definitions, according to which, guilt is "a source of something unfavorable" or "a misdemeanor, a crime." In a situation where a person really made a mistake, an offense that requires atonement, everything is very clear - the feeling of guilt in this case is alarm signal, a moral guideline that helps to realize their actions, repent and correct the situation. In this case, the voice of conscience helps us become better, get a useful life experience. But there are situations when a person is tormented without any apparent reason. Let's try to find the origins of this groundless suffering.
Feelings of guilt cause
Surely you remember how in childhood, teachers and parents appealed to your conscience: "Aren't you ashamed?!" Reproaches quickly brought results - you really felt ashamed that you did not bring excellent grades that she coped with the work worse than her classmate, that other children did something better than you.
You grew up, but you continue to feel irrational shame: you married simple guy, and not for a millionaire, you live in an ordinary apartment, and not in country house, the child brings from school not only "five". Gradually, you see more and more reasons for introspection and shame, you notice imperfections everywhere, and as a result you begin to feel guilty, feeling yourself the source of all problems. The stronger the painful feeling sharpens you, the more you try to please everyone around, but still there will be someone dissatisfied ...
Guilt manipulation
A person who suffers from constant feelings of guilt is very easy to manipulate, and believe me, others know about it. The people closest to you can (even unconsciously) make you feel guilty in order to subdue you or get a portion. heightened attention. The manipulator's favorite technique is comparisons with someone who, in his opinion, is better than you.
The simplest example: a husband who eats your borscht says: "And mom also adds beans - it's tastier." Everything - your mood spoiled for the whole day. The result is a feeling of guilt before her husband. Do you remember how skillfully your parents manipulated you? "My heart hurts because you didn't pass the exam!"
Feelings of guilt can also be evoked silently. For example, families often have a relative who is constantly dissatisfied with something, walks around with an offended look. You run around him and try to fix the situation, although you don’t even know what is the reason for it. bad mood. Both family and colleagues often use psychological trick- Not praised for a job well done. As a result, you try, perform more and more challenging tasks, and as a result you get only dissatisfaction and constant feeling guilt.
Feelings of guilt towards parents
The most dangerous manipulators are your loved ones. It's not so easy to understand when you are being manipulated own mother. Worrying and caring about you, she appeals either to conscience or to pity, and you have no choice but to fulfill her instructions and feel ashamed for not following her advice, coming home not when she sees fit and so Further.
It is especially difficult if your mother raised you herself. In a series of reproaches, you hear that she did not arrange her personal life, missed youth, lost health because of you. It turns out that you are the cause of all her problems, and now, in order to somehow make amends for her guilt, she is obliged to fulfill all her whims. So a healthy feeling is long replaced by a destructive feeling of guilt, as in a marriage where there is no longer love, but the spouses continue to live together.
Surely you have met those people who are approved at your expense. They take pleasure in humiliating others and will gladly watch you suffer. As long as you feel guilty you are easy to manage. Since you think that everything is your fault, those around you will gladly shift their responsibility to you, and when you cannot cope with all the problems, you will be reproached again, and you will become even more burdened.
The burden of other people's desires is crushing, you no longer want anything, if only they would leave you behind. You constantly think about your imperfection, and gradually become dependent on it, like a patient on drugs. Gradually, you will begin to exaggerate your shortcomings. Where can this lead you?
Alas, the forecasts are gloomy: if you do not stop self-flagellation, then a stable inferiority complex and chronic depression await you. This can result in prolonged illness, hard drinking or even suicide, so you need to learn as soon as possible to distinguish between actions for which you are responsible from imaginary misconduct.
Remember, you can only take responsibility for what you can control or change. You are only responsible for your actions and thoughts. As an adult, you can decide for yourself where to study, work, how many children to have, how to raise them. Why would you take on the problems of your husband or relative. The maximum that you can do is give advice, express your point of view and nothing more.
Feelings of guilt and shame
The feeling of guilt has a constant companion - resentment, the feeling that you have been unfairly deprived of something. Let's go back to the borscht example: your husband did not praise your culinary talent, and you felt ashamed that you could not cook dinner as tasty as his mother. And you were offended by your husband for the lack of praise, and he felt guilty for offending you. As a result, you both feel remorse for some nonsense. Resentments tend to accumulate, and as a result, your relationship can seriously deteriorate.
What is the feeling of guilt - is it our conscience or just moral masochism? By the way, until the 19th century, the term "masochism" in religious significance meant "healing". It was believed that self-torture leads a person to atonement for sins. Alas, out of a spiritual context, self-criticism will not bring you to good.
The moral inner censor of our actions is conscience. This feeling is like connecting link between reason and feelings, helps us maintain dignity in difficult situations.
How to get rid of guilt
There are many enjoyable activities that will help you overcome senseless guilt: going to the theater, reading books, traveling. Perhaps you should change jobs? find something to your liking. Be no more fresh air- nature heals. Exercising will also help you drive away bad thoughts.
To get rid of guilt, remember how much you love your loved ones. Learn to talk to them, sincerely wish to improve relations, and then you will stop being offended over trifles and tormenting yourself. Husband and mother will be happy to see you confident and calm, and the boss will be happy if you correct mistakes in your work without unnecessary emotions.
Before we self-flagellate and fill our head with thoughts “I am a bad mother”, let's deal with everything and find out what guilt is and how to deal with it.
- this is a kind of indicator that gives a signal to the psyche that it was committed bad thing. That is, every time you do something wrong, the feeling of guilt becomes a kind of “bell” that gives a signal of a failure so that you pay attention to it. Guilt before the child arises at the moment when you make mistakes in relation to the baby. You scold him, put pressure on him, blame him or ignore him. Feelings of guilt arise even when you do not pay proper attention to the child, do not play with him.
Permissiveness is also common cause the fact that the mother has a feeling of guilt in relation to the baby. Despite the fact that many psychologists advise getting rid of guilt, in a sense, it is beneficial. Guilt makes you remember the importance of all areas of a child’s development and take a responsible attitude to the fact that another life is going on inside you, and to motherhood itself in general. When you do something wrong, it is the feeling of guilt that brings you back to what you missed in order to make up for the imbalance. But in some situations, guilt does not play into our hands.
Feelings of guilt hurt
Typically, there are some "excesses" The feeling of guilt arises not for any reason, but always. At this point, guilt arises not because you have done a bad deed, but because you are offended by someone else's opinion. Guilt develops into constant anxiety, as a result of which you become suspicious and always think about what you did wrong. But how to determine how great the feeling of guilt is and whether it concerns you personally? A small exercise, which we will discuss below, can help with this.
Exercise "Am I to blame?"
To determine the degree of guilt, you need to take a pen and a piece of paper. Draw a medium-sized circle in the center and divide it into four parts (sectors).
Each sector will correspond certain stage child development:
Respectively:
Now you need to consider how much guilt is expressed in each of the steps above. Put the dots on a scale from 0 to 10. As a result, you will get a curve after you combine the dots.
So, if on all axes your marks are less than 5, then most likely you are a fairly confident, calm and balanced mother. You know what to do and how to raise your child.
If the marks are more than 5, then most likely the feeling of guilt often depresses you and it is not useful, but wears harmful character. Perhaps you often say to yourself - "I'm a bad mother."
Having figured out how much guilt you have, let's learn about what to do if you are constantly blamed and how to deal with it.
Sources of guilt
Feelings of guilt can arise from different reasons, but there are usually two sources:
External sources feelings of guilt are most often caused by the state and behavior of the child when the baby is sick or misbehaves. In all other cases, guilt develops against the background of how your spouse and other relatives treat you. Do they condemn you, do they criticize the methods of education. The slightest remark about how you dress your child can be unsettling. Even the statements of famous doctors or other specialists can emphasize your guilt. Pediatricians and other children's professionals can be very harsh in their judgments and even directly blame, saying "Mommy, where were you looking?"
To determine how much your environment is pressing on you, you need to repeat the previous lead. Take a sheet, a pen, colored pencils and draw the same circle with four sectors (see the figure above). And mark from 0 to 10 - what others expect from you in the areas of child development:
In one color, mark what your spouse expects from you. Perhaps in physical development he expects a child from you 8-9, and in the intellectual, two is enough for him. By the same principle, mark what your parents expect from you. This way you can experiment and identify all the people whose opinion matters to you.
Results:
If your marks are less than 5, and basically everything suits your loved ones, then this means that the environment trusts you and supports you. If the marks are above 5, then most likely you are experiencing strong pressure from others, they expect a lot from you. This can lead to strong feelings of guilt.
What to do if you are constantly under pressure?
Constant dissatisfaction and pressure from the outside causes a very bad feeling in a person. It can only be dealt with when you have a "support group", i.e. people who think you are good. They do not criticize you without cause and consider your actions to be correct. Do you have such people? Think about it.
Unfortunately, the environment is far from the only thing that affects the feeling of guilt. Not a small role is played by the traits of a woman's character. For example, such a personality trait as perfectionism contributes to the development of feelings of guilt, because women usually set excessive demands for themselves and are very upset if nothing comes of it. The ambitions of various family members also contribute to the development of guilt in the same way as unfulfilled dreams. And this applies not only to you, but also to your parents.
Perfectionist views on motherhood
Many modern moms built a picture in your head that you need to be perfect mom and ideal wife. They believe that it is necessary to keep up with everything, to be well-groomed, caring, to have time to take care of themselves, their home, and their husband. But even doing everything is not enough. It is important to bring this to the highest level.
In addition, many young mothers are overwhelmed with the ambitions associated with raising a child. They give birth and raise a child not just to live and enjoy life, but to the child became the most: the smartest, the most sociable, the healthiest, the happiest, etc. When living this pattern of ideality, disappointment is inevitable, as is guilt if you fail to make sure that the child meets all the criteria. But where do all these ambitions and ideas about the ideal come from?
Perfect performances are born thanks to:
To check how high (or low) your inner bar is, do the same exercise as mentioned above (see the circle drawing at the beginning of the article).
Draw a circle, divide into 4 sectors and different colors note how developed your child is in each of the four areas: physical, intellectual, emotional, relationship with the child. Put down a number from 0 to 10. And in the second color, mark how much you would like the child to be developed.
Results.
After you have put down the points, see how big the discrepancy between them is. If the discrepancy between the present and the expected is more than 2 (on 2-4 axes), then most likely you are dissatisfied with the current state of affairs.
If you are still overwhelmed with guilt because you are doing something wrong, then make a list of those people to whom you want to prove something. This will help you a lot to return from the world of the ideal.
But is guilt always real? Perhaps this is just a mask behind which lies a completely different problem?
Guilt is like a mask
Often the feeling of guilt is feigned, since there is only external repentance, but nothing happens inside you.
As a result, the question arises - why then blame yourself at all, complain and complain about life?
When you realize this, you will also understand that the only cure for guilt is acceptance of responsibility conscious choice of which way to go and how to act. To consolidate this knowledge, you need to perform an exercise that will help you not to mask the feeling of guilt, but to completely get rid of it.
On the circle (see above), indicate how much effort you put into each of the areas of the child's development.
Put marks in the range from 0 to 10 and look at your results.
If you work well with this exercise, you will be able to determine which of the areas "suffers" the most and needs to be improved. Indeed, in order to overcome feelings of guilt, it is really necessary to take responsibility and take active actions.