Shadura A.S.,
child and family psychotherapist

When a teenager riots: Who is to blame and What to do?

The overwhelming majority of people who happened to become parents, in one way or another, face protests or disobedience from their children. And for adolescence, such behavior is generally considered normative. Sometimes protest phenomena grow gradually, sometimes - suddenly and completely unexpectedly, but in either case, parents seem to be unfounded and incomprehensible. In this article, I will try to shed some light on what happens to teenagers as they get older and give some practical advice to parents on how to get through the "difficult" age with the least loss to relationships and health. And I'll start with a brief overview of those age features that each parent needs to take into account when interacting with their child.

Every child's body is constantly changing.

This process proceeds with varying degrees of intensity, but it is normally continuous and sometimes abrupt. These are the laws of nature. Sometimes physical growth proceeds so quickly that the parts of the brain and the nervous system in general, which are responsible for emotional control, do not keep pace with it. Imagine that you rode a bicycle yesterday, and today you sit behind the wheel of a car for the first time. Also on wheels, there is a steering wheel and pedals, but to drive without crashes, you need time to develop new skills. Because the car is much more difficult to control and drives faster, although it is also a vehicle. Also a growing person needs time to get used to, adapt to a new body, and at this time the child becomes very uncomfortable, because his character suddenly changes: he either explodes over trifles, then is silent, like a partisan, then whines about every occasion, then answers rudely, etc. etc. And since this does not last a day or two, it seems to the parents that the child is doing it on purpose, which is completely unacceptable! And the tougher the parental requirements and expectations, the stronger the collisions and the more severe the consequences for family relationships. Parents think that since the child is so big, he should now be big in everything. Dear parents, this does not happen! It is generally common for humans to fight the forces of nature, but I don’t remember a case when someone managed to stop a volcanic eruption or typhoon.

Another important note: physical growth leads to the release of energy, which leads to the emergence in the body of neuropsychic stresses of various forms and intensities. And such a voltage necessarily requires an exit. At every age, each child develops his own way of leveling this tension, first of all turning to those he trusts: to his parents. A rather harmless crying of a baby can, as the child grows up, be replaced by screaming and cursing, throwing and breaking objects (sometimes expensive), constant conversations do not understand what ... Parents are often surprised: "Why does he behave well with strangers, but treats us like this as if we are enemies "?! The answer is very simple: Because your child still trusts you and hopes that you can endure him and help overcome the state that he himself does not really understand. So be prepared for your innocent question, "What happened to you?" you will receive an incomprehensible glance in response, an abrupt "Nothing", "I do not know", or an unfolded rough tirade. In the rough intonations of the child, as a rule, there is no ill will, but there is a temporary inability to control his inner tension and reactions. And by the way, do you, a parent, always and everywhere control your mood and reactions yourself? That's just it. But you are already a truly adult person, and serve as one of the role models for children. If you look closely at the behaviors of your teenage child, you can easily see your reflection in them. As the saying goes, "Oranges will not be born from aspen" ...

The adolescent is especially in need of confirmation of his worth.

Therefore, for example, it is difficult for him to admit failures or his wrongness. He may really think that the whole world is against him, he may feel unfairly evaluated. It is especially difficult if, in the depths of his soul, the child is not confident in his strengths, abilities, and values. This insecurity in itself brings a lot of suffering to the teenager. And it is very important for him to be able to talk about his doubts and fears. But when telling you about his experiences, your child, first of all, seeks acceptance and sympathy, but not evaluation. And we, adults, often start with her: "You don't understand everything that way", "Have you done everything to change something?", "It is not good to think so", "This is wrong"! Etc. Remember to ask if your child wants to hear your assessment before judging. And in any case, express it very carefully (and accurately, since the vagueness of the answers increases the anxiety), and only after expressing sympathy and, if any, understanding: "I see how hard it is for you", "It seems that you are strong you worry about it "," I see that it is important for you "," Perhaps I also experienced something similar, and I can imagine how difficult it is to figure it out "," I sympathize with you "," Tell me more about it "... Take the time to listen, even if you don't understand all the meanings well. Believe me, this is very important for your child!

Some children are characterized by such unstable self-esteem that they are not able to openly admit their mistake or blatant wrong. They are simply unable to utter a word of apology.

Sometimes a teenager, not for a long time after a stormy scene with insults, just comes to you with some question, as if nothing had happened. Sometimes he tries to flatter. Sometimes he just walks by to and fro, indicating his presence and not saying anything. And the parent is waiting for an apology, or at least an admission of guilt. And he is very offended and angry, and it seems to him that the child is not worried, behaves in a boorish way, and is angry or offended even more from his parental helplessness, fencing himself off from the child, who at this time needs parental help more than ever, because he too worries, but is not yet able to overcome their complexes ... Here a parent needs a lot of flexibility in order, on the one hand, to convey to the child his own feelings, and on the other, not to push him away with his rudeness or detachment. And here there is no place for general recommendations: different children require different approaches ...

Another important note.

We adults want our children to respect us. But have you ever wondered where respect comes from?

There is no conclusive evidence that respect is genetically transmitted. Hence, it is a product of education. And it is brought up, first of all, by the parental attitude towards each other, the people around and towards the child himself. If you want your child to respect you, show respect for his needs, opinions, desires, personal space. Respecting a child (like any other person) does not at all mean indulging him in everything and obeying all his whims. To respect means to recognize the child's right to his desires, opinions, needs, as having their own value that does not depend on you. They may well not coincide with yours, but recognizing their significance and right to exist, we get the right to express our rights, needs and desires. And we, as parents, must enter into discussions with the child, agree or disagree, look for arguments, comprehend the child's arguments and, thereby, help him develop a conscious (conscious) attitude towards reality, towards ourselves and towards others, developing the same attitude and in yourself. Constantly discussing and arguing with your children is extremely difficult, but there is no other way to respect and build trust. Coercion can bring about temporary submission, but a child's true respect for himself and others can only be developed through dialogue.

To help soften your child's difficult growth period and strengthen your relationship with him, try these guidelines:

• Never discuss serious issues when you or your child are emotionally excited or simply in a bad mood. If your bad mood has become chronic, and any attempt to calmly talk leads to a scandal - contact a teen or family psychologist: you already need a mediator.
• Allowing the child to show discontent and argue: this will help him release tension and then do what is required or needed. And do not blame the child for being unhappy, not wanting something, or arguing all the time "over trifles": by doing this, you are only building a wall between you.
• Talk to your child about your empathy for their difficulties and your belief that they will be able to cope with them. Even actively proving to you that everything is wrong, and that you do not understand him, he needs your active sympathy: after all, he himself often does not understand what is wrong with him.
• Do not insist that the teenager explains to you the reasons for his rudeness every time: more often than not, he really does not understand where it comes from. Help him find words and phrases that are acceptable to you to express his feelings.
• Do not fixate on the child's intonations: it is the most difficult to control them, try to react to the meaning of the statements and ask clarifying questions if you do not understand what is happening: "Did I offend you with something?" "Are you upset about something"? "Are you tired today"? But do not get too carried away with them: after all, a teenager often does not understand what is wrong with him, and too many questions can cause irritation ...
• Be careful in comparing your child with yourself: firstly, your child is not your exact copy, and secondly, he lives at a different time and with other parents, and therefore cannot behave and feel the same as you are his age.
• Never compare your child with other children, learn to accept him as he is at the moment, because only in this case you have a chance to help him become better.

“Sonya turned 15 when she began to lie to me,” recalls 45-year-old Elena. - She locked herself in her room and talked for hours on the phone with her friends. I just didn't know what to do. The daughter did not answer my questions and did not tell me anything else. I felt terribly helpless: all the time I presented terrible pictures of what would certainly happen to her. And I stopped sleeping altogether. " Elena tried more than once to talk to her husband, but he did not take what was happening seriously. He brushed her aside: "Stop acting like a hen!" “He said that we should give our daughter more freedom, trust her,” continues Elena, “otherwise she will never learn to take responsibility for her actions. I felt that he simply did not understand me. " Elena only a year later decided to come for a consultation with a psychologist. Most mothers perceive the slightest tension in relations with a child more acutely than fathers. “This is due to the fact that a woman is carrying a child and he, even having matured, can remain the closest person to her,” explains Jungian analyst Anna Skavitina. But when a woman feels a misunderstanding of her husband, it is difficult for her to share her experiences with other close people - relatives, friends. She is ashamed of how the child behaves, ashamed of her helplessness, afraid of condemnation and misunderstanding, and she herself tries to cope with her feelings of guilt. As a result, she remains completely devastated. Nevertheless, the natural disaster that adolescence sometimes becomes can be survived without severe loss.

Father's involvement

Many teenage mothers, whether married or not, feel lonely. “It happens that fathers are afraid of the child's uncontrollable behavior, the strength of his emotions, which they inevitably face when children grow up,” explains Anna Skavitina. - To cope with their own fears, they often go away from problems, stop noticing them, and push them out. Therefore, it is so important that a woman helps her husband to get involved in a new family situation. " “Sometimes a mother literally feels like one being with her child,” says child psychologist Marina Bebik. "In order to preserve this important closeness for her, she (often unconsciously) becomes between the child and his father." Even if such a structure has developed in the family, during the adolescence of children, parents should (finally) decide to change it. If only because teenagers need it. After all, they often commit their stupidity only in order to unite their parents.

“It is easier for men than for women to see a separate person in a child,” says Anna Skavitina. “They are ready to provide their children with more independence, autonomy, which adolescents need so much. This position of the father helps the mother to abandon the fantasy of her omnipotence. " It is much more difficult for mothers who raise children alone. “In this case, the role of the father can be symbolically transferred to a family friend, elder relative, psychologist, teacher,” says psychotherapist Yuri Frolov. “Communication with one of these men will help the teenager to overcome this painful time, and the mother will allow her to move away from the situation a little, to look at it with a new look.” This is useful in order to find a solution to a problem or just calm down, cool down the heat of passions.

Have a question?

Listening to

We do not always perceive the "messages" that our loved ones send us - and after all, their decoding would help us to understand them better! “For example, hearing the words of the grandfather,“ The granddaughter is walking into the water, ”you should take a closer look at the girl,” continues Marina Bebik. Our experts advise: Pay attention to changes in your teen's speech and behavior. To his annoyance and exclamations ("I'm tired of everything!", "I'm just stupid!"), Poor grades, loss of appetite or anxiety (is he taking drugs? Some parents are helped to notice such changes in time with a notebook in which they write down their observations, doubts, fears. “Keeping such a diary does not mean that parents are spying on their child,” explains Marina Bebik. "But thanks to it, they learn to be attentive to detail, which helps them to notice the difference between demonstrative behavior and the SOS signal in time." Dyeing your hair blue is a demonstrative act. But if a teenager shaved his head and painted it with signs, it can be a cry for help ... Demonstrative actions help children to assert themselves, grope for their boundaries. But a cry for help is an attempt by a teenager to attract the attention of others, tell them how bad he is, and somehow cope with his suffering. "

To let go of the child

“When a child turns 9-10 years old, a mother should think about what kind of relationship they have,” says Yuri Frolov. - If the connection between them is too strong (akin to merging), in the future it can turn into problems. At the age of 13–15, and sometimes even earlier, all adolescents feel the need to separate from their parents (especially from their mother), build new relationships with adults, and become more independent people. And the stronger the emotional closeness with the mother, the more difficult it is for them to part. " In especially difficult cases, this gap brings so much pain that it is expressed in various symptoms: anorexia, different types of addictions (drugs, alcohol), risky behavior dangerous for the teenager and his environment ... “It is better to ask in advance, without waiting for the storm to break out. myself: am I expecting too much from my child? - Marina Bebik agrees. "Am I using it to fill my emotional life?"

Vera, 43 years old, Mikhail's mother, 23 years old "Trust has returned to me"

“Misha grew up as a cheerful, open, very lively child. He composed music, drew with pleasure, played tennis and swimming. He always had many friends. And he also grew up very independent - it was important for my husband and me that he felt free. His adolescence coincided with our divorce: my husband drank heavily, and our relationship deteriorated ... Maybe that's why I missed some important moment when there was still an opportunity to maintain trust between me and my grown-up son. He felt that his father came first to me - I really really wanted to keep the family together. The son began to attract our attention as best he could - with his antics. He ran away from home, stopped studying at school, at the age of 12 he went to St. Petersburg alone, by train, - we were looking for him for a long time. When my husband and I finally parted, Misha began to steal money from me, constantly lied, and at some point began to use soft drugs. It seemed to me that I was going crazy: I did not have the strength to break the vicious circle of theft, "grass", rudeness and closeness. I was in a panic - instead of understanding the reasons for his behavior and trying to negotiate with him, to understand the situation, I kept yelling at him and in everything I limited his freedom - the same one that I had taught before. And he lied and eluded me. Meetings with a psychologist did not help either. I was just desperate, and at the same time, I was destroyed by a sense of guilt. Once, when I was reading a book, a simple thought occurred to me: to look at the situation from the outside. I concentrated all my anger on my son and ex-husband. And it simply did not occur to me to think about myself - am I really so impeccable? I was simply shocked when I realized that I am a dictator who simultaneously demands from my son complete submission and independence in decision-making. At that moment, a friend suggested that my son and I go to a monastery in northern Russia. We were not believers, but we went. Suddenly, my son liked it there, he made friends with novices ... and we stayed there: I worked, he too, and studied as an external student. We returned to Moscow three years later. The son went to college, but he didn't like it. He mastered the profession of a cook and was invited to work in a respectable restaurant. Last year I got seriously ill and was in the hospital for a long time. I had time to think about what happened between us. I realized that all these years I could not come to terms with the fact that my son is not my property, but a separate person with his views, thoughts, feelings. Gradually, an understanding came to me that I had to let him go, give him real freedom - freedom of choice. It was not easy for me to accept both my son and myself. But confidence returned to me. And it gives me the strength to live on. "

Recorded by Natalia Kim

About it

"On the side of a teenager" by Françoise Dolto

A deep, delicate book by a French psychoanalyst about the inner world and growing up of adolescents (Rama Publishing, 2010).

"Your Troubled Teenager" by Robert Bayard, Jean Bayard

The best book for desperate parents. Its authors, family therapists and parents of five children, talk about how adults can improve relationships with adolescents by changing relationships with each other. A living, sincere book that is worth trusting (Academic Project, Mir Foundation, 2011).

Neutralize aggressiveness

Any manifestation of violence in adolescents is a sign of deep mental trouble. "There is no violence in a family without a reason!" - experts emphasize. If a teenager is rude, rude or uses hands, it means that he is convinced that he himself is a victim of violence - in reality or in his own fantasy. “Perhaps the parents simply did not give the child enough space to feel autonomous, and the teenager rebelled against such restrictions, seeing them as an invasion of their territory,” says psychotherapist Xavier Pommereau. "His aggression is definitely a response." What to do if a teenager starts screaming, punching the wall, throwing objects on the floor? How to respond to help him relieve stress and avoid danger? According to Xavier Pommero, “during a quarrel, you should not approach him or her closer than an arm's length. It is better to stay two meters away: this is how you show the teenager that you respect his personal territory. If in a conflict situation to cross this border, he may involuntarily perceive it as a manifestation of aggression and respond accordingly. "

Another tip: it is better not to have a tense conversation in the kitchen, where kitchen tools or boiling water may be at hand. Use body language to defuse the situation. “When we argue, we get up reflexively, straighten up to our full height,” says Xavier Pommero. - During an aggressive scene, it is better for parents, on the contrary, to sit down first. This action will be a proposal for a truce, a signal to calm down - after all, when we are sitting, we cannot fight. " What is definitely not worth doing? Look into the eyes of a teenager during a quarrel and demand the same from him. “A direct look is perceived as aggression. That is why many teenagers hide behind a hood, covering their faces with strands of hair. They do not want to be "figured out". If you feel annoyed, just look away. Don't stop your teen from leaving the room to calm down. You can continue the conversation another time. " “Don't blame, if you want to clarify something, ask clear questions,” explains Marina Bebik. "Be sincere and open." But if a teenager nevertheless begins to express his aggression in action - he tries to push or grab his hand, it is necessary to act. “We must clearly and firmly explain to him that he went beyond what was permitted and you will not tolerate this,” advises Yuri Frolov. "Discuss it with him later, when he calms down." In such cases, it is worth contacting a specialist (psychotherapist, psychologist) as soon as possible so that violence does not become the usual language of communication in the family.

Decide for a consultation

Many mothers do not seek help for a long time, trying to convince themselves that the situation is difficult, but not hopeless. “It's time to turn to a psychologist if you feel that you are unable to cope with the situation, that the problems of a teenager occupy too much space in your life and you don’t know what to do next,” Anna Skavitina believes. "You may need to meet with several specialists to find someone who can really help you." Don't be in a hurry, though: what may seem like a failure, a step back, is actually an important element of the therapy process. And we must always remember that children are not pliable clay in our hands, but full-fledged individuals, independent people who are destined to build life separately from us.