Housing problem. Survival roles olga troitskaya

1- How do boys do

A cycle of programs with a professional psychologist who helps to figure out what childhood traumas and family scenarios adults suffer from later. AND HOW TO AVOID IT WITH YOUR CHILDREN!

Speech in an interview with the presenter's psychologist A. Gordon will focus on the fact that the upbringing of boys in a modern family is most often done by women. In recent years, there has been an increase in the number of men who are in no hurry to start their own family and stay with their parents for a long time. From the point of view of psychology, this is not an accidental coincidence, but interrelated facts.

Troitskaya Olga Iosifovna - family psychologist, certified family systemic therapist, body-oriented therapist. Certified International Trainer in Educational Kinesiology. Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University.

Content:
1- How do boys do
2- Husband and woman
3- Do as we do. Parental messages
4- Family tree - apple from apple tree
5- From a sore head to a healthy one (for parents about children)
6- A stranger among his own - a teenager in the family
7- Unhappiness is not in money (To become rich, but happy)
8- Roles people play
9- You can't leave your family
10- Head versus body
11- Brain Exercises (Stress Relief Exercises for Children and Adults)

Download video 2- Husband and woman

Presenter Alexander Gordon and psychologist O. Troitskaya in this video talk about the theme "In a happy family, spouses are waiting for the guests to leave." Few couples can say they are comfortable alone. Even in conversations with each other, many call their partner "mother" or "father". Does this emphasis on parenting really strengthen the family?

Download video 3- Do as we do. Parental messages

A conversation with a psychologist is dedicated to parenting messages - learned judgments that guide us in life. Not all of them help us live: children do not understand irony, and an innocent parental joke can turn into serious problems. Why careless words can be dangerous is the topic of this post.

Download video 4- Family tree - apple from apple tree

The speech in this video is about the genogram - a pedigree that marks important events in the lives of our ancestors and their impact on our lives. It has been established that many events in our life are influenced by the history of the family - especially, paradoxically, if there are blank spots in this story. When working with family scenarios, psychologists often draw up a genogram; you can draw up such a "psychological pedigree" yourself. The method is based on the work of Jacob Moreno, Murray Bowen and Anne Anselin Schutzenberger.

Download video 5- From a sore head to a healthy one (for parents about children)

The topic of this conversation with the psychologist A. Gordon is devoted to the fact that the problems of adolescents with their studies, health, alcohol, drugs often require psychological work not with the child, but with their parents. Psychologists even have an expression "a child as a symptom of the family." With enough care, this symptom can be noticed on its own.

Video Download 6- Stranger Among Friends - Teenager in the Family

The family has time to prepare for the birth of a child during pregnancy. Parents are not mentally ready for the appearance of a teenager in the family. Why do adolescents change so dramatically, where do problems arise in the relationship between parents and adolescents - psychologist Olga Troitskaya shares.

Download video 7- Money is not a misfortune (Become rich, but happy)

People often face situations in which, as if fate itself prevents them from achieving success. A person who has almost reached the goal suddenly destroys what has been built with his own hands.
A person who has earned wealth for his family by honest labor may feel a vague sense of guilt and awkwardness instead of joy. We sometimes act as if someone forbade us to enjoy our achievements or take advantage of their results. What caused this, and how to change it?

Download Video 8- Roles People Play

Survival roles are habitual patterns of behavior learned in childhood that a person uses whenever he is under stress. While meaningful in childhood, they are often destructive in adulthood. Survival role theory is based on research by Virginia Satyr, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruz, and Linda Hanek.

Download Video 9 - You Can't Leave Your Family

The modern world is fantastically anxious in relation to the family - society either unrestrainedly supports the family or buries it inconsolably. It seems that the idea is floating in the air: "Well, now she will die, and there will be no more worries." Fantastic constructions emerge: temporary families, homosexual families, group families.
When talking about the family, we often argue about children, their number, upbringing - about anything, just not about the man and woman that make up the family. It seems that the very idea of ​​a family scares us. Where did this fear come from and how to overcome it?

Download video 10- Head against body

Modern man perceives the body as something completely separate from himself. The stories about him remind of the chronicles of hostilities or the development of a hostile planet: they “drive off the kilograms” from it, “pump up their muscles” on it, it rebels and refuses to obey. How to get back in touch with your own body?

Download Video 11- Brain Gymnastics (Stress Relief Exercises for Children and Adults)

Helps to see, hear and understand better; memorize the necessary; study successfully; quickly read and assimilate information; achieve success in sports; concentrate before a presentation, speech, responsible conversation; make the right decision and, in general, get through a difficult time with minimal losses.

The video is long, but not stressful.
It is pleasant to listen to it and it is pleasant to do what it says there.
And the information is wonderful!
This is a conversation between Alexander Gordon and psychologist Olga Troitskaya about ... subject.

A summary so as not to forget the "notes in the margins":

1.Cross steps

2 lazy eights

3.Buttons of the brain

4. "Hoop" by the diaphragm

5.Cap for thinking

"Cross Steps"

To begin with, mentally draw a line from the forehead to the nose, chin and below - it divides the body into right and left halves. Movements crossing this line integrate the work of the cerebral hemispheres. Therefore, "Cross steps" contribute to the development of coordination and orientation in space, make it more successful to acquire the skills of reading, writing, listening, assimilating new information. They also relieve lower back pain and tighten the abdominal muscles.

3. Repeat 4-8 times.

Perform while standing or sitting.

It is advisable to do "cross steps" at a slow pace and feel how the abdominal muscles are working. If there is no such sensation, see if the elbow is low, the knee is raised too high, and there is an excessive tilt in the lower back.

1. Start with a regular, cross-over walking in place, slowly and deliberately crossing the midline of the torso with the right hand and touching it to the raised left thigh. Then we raise our left arm and right leg and also touch the thigh.

2. Go to one-way walking, "amble". Slowly, in full control of your movements, raise and lower the arm and leg of the same name. When you simultaneously raise the arm and leg of the same name, only one hemisphere of the brain is included in the work.

3. Alternate walking styles until you achieve a smooth transition from one style to the next. Always end the exercise with a cross walk.

“This simple exercise from the book“ One Brain ”by Gordon Stokes and Daniel Whiteside activates, and in some cases restores, the interaction between the two hemispheres of the brain and the body. It forces the brain to switch between integrated and one-way modes of operation. Do it when you find it difficult to think and act at the same time.

Each hemisphere of the brain controls the opposite side of the body. Therefore, deliberately moving the opposite arm and leg, we include in the work of both hemispheres, thereby creating neural connections through the corpus callosum and ensuring their better myelination. These cross-lateral movements stimulate all areas of the brain - the vestibular system (balance), the reticular formation (the brain alarm), the cerebellum (automatic movements), the basal nucleus (conscious movement), the limbic system (emotional balance), and the anterior lobes (thinking).

Cross-lateral movement also increases dopamine levels in the brain (improving the ability to see patterns and speeding up the learning process).

After that, passing to "amble" (simultaneously moving the arms and legs of the same name), we consolidate the neural connections, which enable us to easily and quickly switch between the hemispheres as needed. The main goal of this exercise is to make sure that we do not "get stuck" in any one brain communication circuit. Lots of connections and their flexibility is the key to success! "

"Lazy Eights"

1. Imagine a figure eight lying on its side (infinity sign) in front of you at eye level. Its center is at the level of the bridge of the nose.

2. Extend your arm forward, slightly bent at the elbow. Clench your fingers into a fist, lift your thumb up.

3. Move your hand in the air from the center to the left-upward counterclockwise, downward in a circle and back to the center. Continue to "paint" right and up, returning to the starting point. The movement should be smooth and continuous.

4. Follow the thumb with your eyes, the head remains motionless.

5. Repeat three times with each hand.

Put your hands together in a lock. Draw the lazy figure eight again and follow the fingers with our eyes. Repeat three times.

"Brain Buttons"

1. Stand comfortably with your legs parallel to each other and your knees relaxed.

2. Place one hand with the palm of your hand on your navel.

3. Place the other hand under the collarbones. Keep in mind: under the collarbones, to the left and right of the sternum, between the first and second ribs, are the so-called brain buttons, which magically help to focus.

4. Massage the "brain buttons" on one side with your thumb and on the other side with your middle and forefinger. You can just actively stroke this area with your entire palm. The hand on the navel remains motionless.

5. Once the movements are familiar, try supplementing them with eye tracking from left to right and vice versa.

At the same time, the head remains motionless. This will help to expand the angle of view, which is necessary for students to quickly assimilate new material.

Change hands and repeat the exercise

Hoot "owl" diaphragm

1.The right hand grasps the left supraspinatus muscle (between the neck and shoulder). The palm should be soft, as if "glued" to the muscle.

2. Contract the muscle and slowly turn your head from left to right. Having reached the most convenient point, we begin to move in the opposite direction. In this case, the lips are folded into a tube and on the exhale they say "wow". The neck is slightly extended, the chin moves forward, and the eyes with each "hoot" are rounded, like an owl.

Usually, there are 5 sounds per turn of the head. All movements are performed synchronously!

3. Do the exercise at least 3 times.

Change arms and repeat, relaxing the right supraspinatus muscle.

Exercise relieves tension in the neck area and improves blood flow to the brain. It promotes learning skills such as listening and math.

Thanks to the "hoot", the jaw clamps are removed, which makes speech more coherent. This exercise is especially useful after prolonged writing, working with a computer, or driving a car (for adults).

Cap for thinking

Can be done while standing or sitting.

1. Keep your head straight without straining your neck and chin.

2. Grasp the ears with your hands so that your thumb is on the back of the ear and the rest of your fingers are in front.

3. Massage the ears from top to bottom, turning them slightly towards the back of the head.

The inner child of an adult is our childish part, deeply hidden in the unconscious, giving voice in "strange" dreams, violent emotional manifestations, often by tension in relationships with children, our own or others.

For the first time, Sigmund Freud spoke seriously about her, who believed that inside every adult who tries to be "good and correct" from the point of view of society, there is a naughty, impulsive, very selfish, and, most likely, "bad" child. An adult suppresses, does not allow his desires, his aggression into consciousness, and he, a wretch, crawls out in dreams, in neuroses, unexpected thoughtless words and actions. This child is our childhood experience, our memory of ourselves as small, dependent on adults, but full of the energy of doing.

Children's memory is not always reflected in words - up to a certain age, the body remembers more. It remembers sounds, images, sensations, feelings, movements. And often childhood experience returns us the smells, the touch of people, the intonation with which we are addressed. We, adults, confident in ourselves, suddenly shrink under the gaze of our boss, we feel weak and dependent. What is it with us? He looked at the way his father looked at us five years old, and the intonation is similar. The inner child has worked: you feel like a five-year-old who can be hit or put in a corner. And the adult says: "I cannot work with him, I am mystically afraid of him!"

Early psychoanalysis, following the blessed Augustine, argued that the child is initially vicious: asocial, cruel, lives only by his desires, experiences sexual attraction to his mother, and therefore is aggressive towards his father in the fight for her. Of course, these are unconscious aspirations, which does not change them qualitatively. The child was also accused of wanting to appropriate the world around him, of striving for power and even of ambition. It was believed that a wise society suppresses these destructive forces in a natural monster, and he is aware of the norms of morality and interaction with people. But the inner child does not sleep and reminds of himself over and over again.

The person experienced stress, life is difficult, health troubles - the childhood experience is right there: insomnia, fears, aggression, and even thoughts of suicide (aggression towards oneself, often adopted from parents in early childhood). The psychoanalyst, as it were, introduces the adult to this unpleasant child, and the opportunity to become aware of this part of himself creates a feeling of greater regulation of his behavior and safety.

Psychoanalysis changed, new directions of psychotherapy developed. The attitude towards our children's section also changed. In addition to spontaneity, aggressiveness (which, by the way, is not always bad in the real world), it was discovered that it was this part that carries the colossal energy of creative doing, a huge reserve of interest in the world and people and, even if unconscious, a sense of one's place in the world.

Everything in us originates in childhood. The children we were wanted to be and to live, creativity was full of them (in the first 2 years to go, run, learn a new language for themselves and speak it fluently - adults, try it the same way!), They were interested in everything in the world ... And - parents, look your children in the eyes! - they knew something about themselves that flashed in their words and eyes unconscious wisdom. There is no experience, but there is no hard one "you can only see in this way, perceive only in this way"! Of course, the child is not yet in control of his feelings: he loves to the end, gets angry and yells all the way. He is also interested in what is considered indecent due to upbringing. Hence the fright of the Puritan Freud (the great psychotherapist and philosopher Erich Fromm writes about this very convincingly).

When we talk about the inner child, about our deepest part, real children all the time come to our attention. And this is no coincidence. How we treat ourselves in childhood - love, despise, accumulate claims or simply forget - this is how we treat the real children around us.

We were unhappy when we were 3-4 years old, we felt disgusting, unnecessary, and it remained inside. And a healthy adult man, a father himself, but with such childhood experience, yells at his three-year-old son and cannot calm down: "He is sticky, he is a brat, who needs him like that! .."

He remembers himself just like that (through the eyes of adults) and sees himself in his own son - with hatred and contempt. And her mother, who in kindergarten disliked herself for being overweight, endlessly demands weight loss from a 5-7-year-old girl; adults who did not play with their own parents in childhood do not play with their own children - they can only teach and educate, and they are bored in the parental role, as they were bored in their own childhood.

As adults, we become wiser when we watch children, rather than break them, trying to make us comfortable today. After all, next to us they are tomorrows, and they should be comfortable in their lives - tomorrow. And sometimes the naive, but inquisitive and creative look of the child is more adaptable to life than our usual adult. (And the king is naked!)

From childhood comes the desire to change and try, to believe in seemingly impossible dreams, and in general - to dream. A person who does not know how to dream and fantasize has a bad idea of ​​the future, plans are worse and the designer is useless. That is why in such areas of psychotherapy as art therapy, dance therapy, depth psychology and many others who work not only with psychological health and family problems, but also with success, efficiency, goal-setting, we first of all help a person to establish contact with the inner child , to gain access to his creative energy, to his capabilities. And for this you have to go through the difficult path of accepting and loving yourself as small, imperfect and not always liked by the world of adults into which you came. Someone hates himself as a teenager: ugly, awkward, unsuccessful. But our wise great-grandmothers talked about adolescents: for beautiful purebred dogs, the puppy should be ugly, and the "Ugly Duckling" is about that! And he splashes out, along with the memory of his 15-16 years, very important thoughts and people who appreciated him then (they do not understand how useless I am!). But these thoughts are needed today, and what was appreciated for, raises the fallen self-esteem of an adult. He finally understands that it is in him and that he can be proud of it.

How we perceive ourselves in childhood - the same applies to real children around us

And an adult woman sees with amazement a slender baby in a photograph and realizes that at her five or seven years old she was quite "charming and attractive" (you never know what the evil girls and nannies muttered) and you can look at yourself in the mirror in a different way. There are innumerable examples of when a small but reliable helping hand reaches out from distant childhood to our adult today.

But you can use this help only by looking with love and trust at yourself, a little one, and taking on an adult responsibility for his safety and tranquility. And the trial over him ("He is not like that, he is worse than others, he is out of spite ...") can only be stopped by you, having told the world: "He is me! And I am he!" Then your children will have a living, protective, helping, observing and completely creative parent in education. And even when he scolds and educates, he will not trample and destroy. More dear to yourself!

Olga Troitskaya,
psychologist, family psychotherapist

Comment on the article "The child who is always with you"

Olga Troitskaya is a woman of enchanting talent. And in this sense, of course, "climb into the soul" tk. psychologists generally like to specialize.

Discussion

In order to go - it's good to understand - for what? It must be understood that these actions interfere in areas that are much higher than human understanding and there is no explanation for them. In Moscow, Alena Rikhmaer is a mega special, she is certified by the Cologne Institute for System Solutions, but the point is not in the certificate, there is talent and gift. E coordinates are definitely in the search engines. She is a teacher of this metdoa (I study with her) and works at an institute that is authorized to certify constellation specialists. But, as the saying goes, "do not scratch if it does not itch." But if there is a real problem in the family - suicides, illness, alcoholism, loneliness - this is it.

Million one hundred and twenty-fifth way of relatively honest taking money from the population. In general, a lure for suckers. They make money on this. Before there was MMM, now there are all sorts of training sessions. The people of the sausage have eaten too much, now they want to heal the soul :))) Well, if there is a demand, the offer will not keep you waiting.

Discussion

Good day! I offer my services for the manufacture of furniture (hallways, kitchens, wardrobes, wardrobes, built-in wardrobes, children's, libraries) to order according to your sizes, drawings, sketches, drawings)). Own production. Inexpensive and high quality. Large selection of decors and materials. Fittings Italy, Germany. Departure of the measurer, volumetric 3D modeling, delivery, assembly for FREE. 8-925-728-5577 Alexander, call from 10 to 22.

I ordered from Forema kitchens and am very satisfied. The photo is in my album (at the time of the photo shoot, the sink had not yet been installed in the countertop, in principle, they usually install the sinks right away, I didn’t want this myself, I wanted to be installed by the company where I bought the sink, so it didn’t work right away). It is especially convenient for me in Forem, because they normally relate to the "non-standard" of furniture, I have a kitchen of 5 meters, so I ordered the tables less, that is, non-standard depth, so that there is still room for people in the kitchen.

Maksimova E.V. there are also game therapists in the center. We are studying with Mikhail Sukhotin. This is wonderful - he not only "plays" the children, but also really develops the imagination. We have a daughter with severe cerebral palsy, she herself does not play, and even found an approach to Misha. He plays with each child differently.

Section: Need a consultation with a psychologist (Elena Chernyaeva psychologist reviews). Night terrors. Olga Troitskaya is a woman of enchanting talent. Voll method, Bioresonance therapy.

Discussion

And we paint on music, even in individual piano lessons. children usually like to draw and drawing is not a task for them, but rather an emotional memory.
By the way, your task is quite logical.

quite a pleasant and logical task - especially as for the 1st grade - creative and, as I understand it, you need not technique, but to convey the mood.
But I like 18 essays on drawing per year (the list is given) much less, especially when you consider that this is already the 7th grade and besides drawing, for some reason they have drawing.

Discussion

Light, but it seems to me, if I understand correctly, about these weaves, it will be very difficult to wash the dust in them

Here's how with the kitchen - they order such wicker doors, they will suffer a couple of months to wipe the dust out of them, and they take off, order the usual ones - as in the picture in the lower tables:

The light, the mat is beautiful and the wicker is beautiful .. BUT dust will clog there ....
Think ...
In Riga we have braided material, textured, but without holes and cracks. Can you still see this somewhere?

Discussion

How can I understand you. And I sympathize very much with you and my mother.
We have a very similar situation. The same complaints about a failed life, my father's illness and continuous negativity and hopelessness. Such communication is VERY tiring, it is exhausting and eats up from the inside, and sometimes you really want to close your ears and not listen to anything else, not know, not see. BUT. Such situations are not resolved by the "head". Those. you won't change yourself on purpose, and if for two years all this hurt you, tormented you and did not allow you to sleep well, then one "simple" decision "to ignore" will not change anything. Just try to understand it. And accept. It is difficult (and indeed impossible) for a person to look at things "objectively". For your mother NOW her life is a problem with her father, and it is quite possible that this obscures absolutely everything (in our situation, this is the case). This happens when one, but a global problem obscures everything, and a person concentrates on it, nullifying all other components of even real, real life, not to mention the past. Adult children, grandchildren, apartment, work - everything remains in the background, and nothing more. You may find it difficult to accept and it may be difficult to come to terms with the fact that your parents' life has changed. Hence, from this rejection of the changed situation, resentment and irritation arise. Try to figure out YOURSELF - what exactly is so annoying in communication and is there real mother's fault in this. Most likely, she does not want to complicate your life, ruin your mood, etc. It's just that it is hard and bad for her now. And she is looking for help and support, because she herself has not yet become accustomed to the new and not at all joyful realities of life, her life. So you can only sympathize with her, support her. As far as you can. And try not to completely dissolve in this and keep something "for yourself" - your family and your problems and joys.

It seems to me that this is a temperament + age cockroaches.
My grandmother, for example, towards the end of her life only knew that she regretted having given birth to children, while the children (my mother and her sister) simply doted in her. She was always the main person for them. The sons-in-law were a match for them. Objectively, if she had no children, she would have lived in general oblivion somewhere in a nursing home (her grandfather was repressed). And here you go! The idea that life would be more beautiful without children has become just an obsession. Although all my life I was busy with them, which is understandable

Discussion

They also interested me when I saw crowds in the metro (after the rally), then I read an article in Komsomolskaya Pravda. Their organizer (initiator) once worked in the presidential administration, and then "suddenly invented" this movement. They attract young people mainly, as I understand it, by material incentives. For example, money was promised to some for participation in that rally, others (students) were dispatched by the dean's office (I immediately recall "my Komsomol youth" :)))). The influx of new members into the organization follows the "pyramid" ("herbalife") principle - the more you bring, the greater the reward, and if you become a senior in the group (I don't remember exactly how many people), you get something like a salary. When asked about funding, their chief said that there are patrons and firms that voluntarily support them ...
In general, from the article we can conclude that this movement was "made" by the government itself, by analogy with the Komsomol, but using modern methods of incentives :)

Olga Troitskaya

ROLES of survival

In a stressful situation, a person is protected by one or another model of behavior.

It is generally accepted that in a crisis situation, a person reveals himself from an unexpected side. Indeed, modest and unnoticed in a "peaceful" life, the quiet one suddenly comes to the fore, behaves calmly and decisively, like a hero on a dashing horse, does not lose his presence of mind, saves the situation, and then, having refused a well-deserved reward, goes back into the shadows. And the other, from whom they were just expecting decisive action, suddenly moves away, leaves for the dacha, does not want to see anyone and behaves like ... a child hiding in the nursery from the outside world! And when the situation without his participation returns to normal, he returns as if nothing had happened to his workplace.

Stress presses a certain internal button inside a person, and he, in order to defend himself, begins, without thinking, to act according to the script. The role of survival is just one or another model of human behavior in a stressful situation. There are six of them: Fan, Benefactor, Hero of the Family, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Talisman. And we will try to figure out how and why this happens.

In an ideal family, the mother ensures the unconditional safety of the child; in these conditions, he can calmly develop. Adults say what they think and what they feel, do not hide their emotions. And even if these messages limit him in some way, he gradually learns with their help to feel his own space. But he understands what adults want from him. In some cases, he is told directly, in others, he feels from the intonations and words of his parents that this should not be done, it is unsafe. In this way, borders are being built on the sly. Gradually, a person grows up in such a family, who has an idea of ​​his own personal space.

DOUBLE BOTTOM

Now imagine another family where they speak in allegories and innuendos and everything that is said, as a rule, does not directly relate to the current situation, but concerns the relationship of family members. Guess what mom means when she looks at her little son and says: “How hard it is for me with your father! He's so rude, you can't say anything to him? There is a very strong, rending contradiction in this double bind. Because on the one hand - be a man, on the other hand, a man - it's hard, unpleasant, scary and disgusting. This is something that mom cannot live with. It is at this point that the young boy's first miscalculation occurs. In a later phase, this translates into a painful self-esteem problem. That is, the feeling of unimportance and uselessness of oneself as a representative of the masculine gender is strengthened. Because if my mother doesn't like a man in a family, then how can I be a man? At the same time: you must be a man! Mom should be proud of you as a man!

You can hear such conflicting messages at the everyday level literally every day. "You are my beauty! - says mom. - But you are so pale, do something with it, well, at least put on blush! And how skinny you are! " That is, you are my beauty, but I do not like you! You must be a beauty - but I do not consider you a beauty! And this creates chaos inside. It is not very clear what I should be and how I should feel myself in this space in order for them to understand me.

No living creature can live without boundaries in a state of chaos. This is very worrying. For example, what is usually done with a very anxious child? He is pressed to himself, tightly closed from the world, shaken until dense, clear, reliable external borders appear or tightly swaddled: he also feels the diapers as reliable borders. Now you can relax and sleep.

In a situation of chaos, when one's own boundaries do not line up and it is not very clear what is possible and what is not, artificial boundaries of the roles of survival begin to form. A closed system of manipulation begins to operate: "I am so - then you are so." The child creates such neat, strange boundaries for himself, and it seems that chaos has been defeated. That is, he now always knows what to do in a stressful situation and, without hesitation, begins to behave in accordance with his role. First, he masters one pattern, and then life changes, and in kindergarten, sometimes at school, he adds to this a few more fixed patterns of behavior that remain with him in adulthood. Many people have one survival role for the home, another for work, and a third for socializing with friends. There is nothing wrong with the survival role patterns themselves. Any of them is a way of communicating with people, which in certain situations can lead to success. And a person who will use all these methods, choosing the right one in the right situation, will achieve success. But the role of survival is lack of choice. A person becomes a hostage to his role, the mask grows together with the face, and it can be very difficult to get rid of it.

BENEFACTOR : "NOT FOR YOURSELF, BUT FOR OTHERS!"

“I don't sleep at night, I do this and this, they blame me for everything. But they need help, they will still turn to me! "

Everywhere there is a person who understands everyone, reconciles and smooths out conflicts. Benefactor. He fusses, runs, tries to please everyone.

This is the type of people encouraged in our society. A person who does not need anything for himself, but only for others. So wonderful, kind! But kindness is a strong, powerful, energized feeling. The Benefactor, on the other hand, has the knowledge that no other person can do without him.

Its symbol is an unstable triangle with the base down. The main thing for the Benefactor in a dysfunctional family is to make sure that his main partner, the Fan, does not change. Otherwise, no one will need him, the Benefactor. Therefore, in such an unhealthy family, the Benefactor acts as a buffer between the Fan and the rest of the family. “Don't touch him today! He, of course, crushes, and screams, and almost brought him to suicide, but I know that he is kind inside! " Favorite game of the Benefactor - if you need to lower your anger on someone, then to me, Benefactor, and lower it. And I will somehow justify it: by the need to preserve the family, by the fact that this is how the world works, life is so hard. Moreover, people might think that the Benefactor himself likes it! Mom doesn’t sleep at night, cooks for everyone, rushes to her son’s school, ironing her husband’s shirts, washing? What are you, our mother will go to the dacha anyway and will bring everything, and she will dig the beds, she is like that, you can't stop her.

The benefactor is completely childishly waiting for praise: how extraordinary he is, how much he does for us! He does not enjoy life, he does everything out of a sense of duty, and when he does not receive gratitude, he is always upset. However, the grinder does not tell you that she is tired and rusted, or that she is tired of spinning. Likewise, the Benefactor never speaks about his feelings, desires, therefore his efforts are not noticed. If a person never tells you what kind of flowers he likes, it is difficult for him to please. And the Benefactor believes that if you loved him, you would have guessed. It is difficult to collect evidence about him: no one in the family really knows what he loves and what does not. Phantom.

Alcoholic husbands depend on their Benefactor wives because they create victim-executioner behavioral situations all the time. The benefactor is naturally a victim, and he likes it. After the executioners either beat or beat, the Benefactor freezes in a pose of offended innocence. Then the person begins to feel guilty, and then the victim purses his lips, hides his eyes, with all her appearance she says: "This is my cross to live with such a monster!" At this moment, the roles change: the executioner becomes the victim, and the victim becomes the executioner ... The wheel turns without stopping.

When a drunkard's wife stops serving his alcoholism, he often quits drinking because two people are holding the thread of codependency.

If a person is healthy, cheerful, successful, strong, then why does he need a Benefactor? Anyone can get into the refrigerator, get food and eat, open the door with a key, find a job, go to the clinic. Therefore, it is very important for the Benefactor to make those around him depend on him so that they cannot cope without him.

Unknown heroes are people who did what they wanted and left. They don't need to burden other people with the obligation to thank themselves. People who willingly help others because it gives them pleasure, because they think it is right, are not Benefactors. The benefactor doesn't really like being! He does this in order for you to thank him! So that everyone finally comes and says: how irreplaceable you are, how important and necessary you are! It is very important for him that his efforts are noticed.

Benefactors always pretend to be powerless, ready not to interfere, to serve the household! But at the same time, they do not respect the strength of other people. They believe that the rest will disappear without them: he will not be able to live with a person who does not fry eggs in such a way.

The Benefactor performs the same "dance" at work, if there is a one-time conflict. He does not allow this conflict to be resolved, he smooths it out in any way. He does everything so that the conflicting parties do not collide directly. But the conflict cannot be dissolved by the order of the Benefactor, because the only way to resolve it is to put them opposite each other and find out what everyone needs.

WHERE YOU HAVE

A benefactor very often grows up with a parental directive “Don't be a child! You are a senior, an adult! " A mother of about 120 kilograms says to a fragile boy: “You’re a man! What are you whining? " In fact, this is the message: “I would like you not to show genuine feelings. You should not be active, emotional, because I am anxious when you are like that. " So the Benefactor slowly, slowly gets used to hiding feelings, desires, and with age, he can no longer figure out his condition. A dysfunctional family is a thriller much more terrifying than a movie where a man runs around with a knife. Here every day a person kills his own soul.

The Little Benefactor "adopts" a family member, anyone who gets caught! When we try to address this family member directly, we will stumble upon the Benefactor every time. “Why are you sticking to him? Mom, you lie down, I'll wait for dad! "

But when the Benefactor is not given anything in return for so much spent strength, aggression begins to develop in him, like in any living creature. The usual curve balance is destroyed. The Benefactor begins to destroy himself, because he cannot throw out his anger on those around him - then he will no longer be the Benefactor.

The complete opposite of the Fan - he gives, gives, but does not know how to take. When the guests try to thank the hostess, she waves them off: "Thank you for coming!" The same at work: “Oh, what an irreplaceable Ksenia Ivanovna we have! She will always stay after work, will always take over most of the work! " - “Oh, what are you! It’s not difficult for me, others have children, a family, but I’m free now. ”

Auto-aggression sharpens the Benefactor. "I am so terrible because I allow myself to hate other people, I have to love everyone." Sometimes this aggression is unconscious.

As a rule, the Benefactor's shoulders are brought forward, as if he is holding some kind of weight. To open the chest, you need to straighten up and feel your strength, which such people do not have.

In fact, the Benefactor often slows down the work process. There will not be a person in the team who, at the first whistle, does everything for everyone, then the boss will rebuild the management system, dismiss those employees who do not cope, redistribute responsibilities. And so the Benefactor plows for everyone. Well, how could it be otherwise? And what will they think of our department, the company? And those who are used to not exerting themselves happily assent to him.

A benefactor first of all needs to understand what he would like in life, what he likes and what he doesn't. However, usually he wants one thing - that no one quarrels!

The severity of the role, the restrictions it imposes is the pipe of Karabas-Barabas. As soon as he snapped his fingers, we immediately danced in one and only role. But for some reason, the power of Karabas-Barabas is violated when the wrong boy Buratino appears, who does not want to learn and who has no role. They are trying to drive him into the Benefactors - he must go to school, serve Pope Carlo. But he does what at the moment is interesting to him and seems right. Free child! And therefore he destroys the space of this theater.

Benefactors and Fan make up a beloved couple that spawns the Hero of the Family and the Scapegoat.

FAMILY HERO: "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!"

The tension reigns in the family: dad is chronically drunk, mom is chronically unhappy and cherishes her failed life, but family members are haunted by ambition. Unconsciously, they really want the family to look good from the outside, so the parents bring up the knight without fear and reproach in shining armor and with a burning gaze, with a smile that is impossible to resist. A person with an abyss of charm and responsiveness, a bright mind, who is easily given science and who is ready to generously share her knowledge. Usually (an important detail!) People around do not get tired of wondering: how could such a child, who was tortured by life, have such a child? How did they manage to raise him?

His name in our story is "Hero of the Family", the symbol is a triangle with the point downward, a very unstable structure, however, with a plus sign inside.

By its very existence, it repels all attacks on the family. Who is this saying that we have something wrong? And I am an excellent student - look what a good family I have! And I am handsome - what a good family I have! And I am an athlete - what a good family I have! And I am smart, and I am cheerful, and I am responsible - look what a good family we have!

Parents echo to him: “What a wonderful family we have - we raised such a child! A bad family would not have raised such a child! " The family hero is the shield of the dysfunctional family.

How is it raised? It's very simple! "He was born here the smartest and most beautiful, at the age of one and a half he read poetry, and at school, in sports, he is the first."

It’s hard to believe that a person equally needs to study for the five in all subjects, and be an athlete, and organize all the children at the dacha into a team. Timur from Arkady Gaidar's book is a typical Hero of the family! He takes care of everyone, he does everything cool. And a little detail - the Hero of the family always knows exactly how to do it, with his bright head he is the very first to grasp the problem and find its solution. He never has the patience to wait for the members of his "team" (brothers, teammates, colleagues, children) to learn the same thing. The hero of the family rather quickly turns others into disabled people, acting according to the following system: “We start doing ... Uff, well, why are you so clumsy (slow-witted, slow)? Go, okay, I'll do it myself quickly, and then you will try to learn again ... Damn, no one knows how to do anything properly! You need everything yourself! "

... A subordinate comes to the head - the Hero of the family, whose child is ill. “What is sick? Aha! Ivan Ivanovich, my employee's child is sick. So, Nikolai Petrovich, you will now go to Ivan Ivanitch, he will prescribe the medicine, and you will tell Natalya Pavlovna that I gave you a vacation. Is a week enough for you? "

Here is the Hero of the family in all its glory. Why bother yourself and take on something, if the Hero of the family will come running now and save the situation. The role of a Family Hero is highly encouraged in our society. There was even such a book - "I am responsible for everything!"

CHALLENGES OF FAMILY HEROES

1 Such people perceive their successes and achievements as a necessity, “life compels them”. The Hero of the Family does not have a sense of true self-realization. He does it great - but for someone. "If I had my way, I would be lying on the couch, spitting on the ceiling or living on a desert island and walking around in a loincloth, but I am responsible for everything!"

2 The hero of the family is afraid of risk. It is impossible to do everything perfectly, but how can you live with a four? Therefore, a strong and responsible person is paradoxically afraid to take risks. What if it doesn't work out right away?

3 The hero of the family is very vulnerable, if something does not work out for him in his work, in his personal life or with his health, he collapses completely without a trace. He begins to fail and everything else, because on all fronts, the Hero of the Family must have everything flawlessly. Hence the wild overload of responsibility. He is scared and anxious (although it is very deeply hidden inside) to live. The hero of the family does not understand very well what he really needs himself. Taking on the concern and responsibility for other people, he is afraid to ask himself the question: "Does he need this?" His own purpose is not very clear to him.

It is very difficult and at the same time easy to take a man - Hero of the family away from the family. On the one hand, he knows for sure that he is responsible for the children, the woman, and his home. On the other hand, if you say to him: "I will die without you!"

He is a workaholic and considers it his dignity. Try to do everything faster than anyone, for everyone! Life is not enough for that!

He wears out easily, gets very sick and does not show until the last that he is bad. Hiding suffering is part of his unwritten code. The family needs an eye and an eye for the Hero, because he endures pain, without showing a sign, and suffers the disease on his feet, to the last, as he can. If you really drag - so drag! It is very difficult for him to admit that he is not in shape today. Only forward! Do not confuse the Hero of the Family with a successful person who achieves his goal. The hero of the family does this not for himself, but in order to block someone with these successes.

With his hyperresponsibility, the Hero of the Family controls the space that lies within its rigid boundaries. He directly says: "Thank God, I earn enough so that my parents do not need anything." That is, I will solve the problem of my parents on the top five - regardless of whether they need it or not. I will arrange the space as I see fit. And if the parents are sick or unhappy, and the child speaks badly or is capricious, he is stressed. Why do I, the Hero of the family, have such an irregularity in the system? Paradoxically, the brilliant Heroes of the family very rarely grow strong, ambitious, capable and successful children. After all, the Hero takes over all the family responsibility: I will do it myself and show you how it should be! And the child readily agrees with this, without making unnecessary movements.

It is not only the family that drives such a Hero into the trap. This role is actively supported by teachers and educators. They are trying in every possible way to add responsibility to him. You see what heroes we have, the school's hope, they study for all fives, they win Olympiads, they glorified our school! The heroes of the family are sent an alarming expectation: you must be like this, otherwise we feel bad. This is the basis for the formation of a role. Moreover, when the Hero of the family ceases to be the Hero of the family, the parents often get divorced. So the family raised, raised and raised a little pianist, brought him to competitions, and when he stopped doing this, the family broke up. His father and mother were only the parents of the Hero of the family, and this was the only way they lived. Under his cover, the ability to build relationships in the family finally atrophied.

Did you recognize yourself? Try saying to yourself, “I accept failure! I am learning from new mistakes. I admit that the result may be out of control. "

But when the little Hero of the family does not have enough strength to justify the family's hopes placed on him and he does not cope, then he gets the role of the Scapegoat.

A VICTIM OF PUBLIC ADOR

Nadia is an aspiring Hero of the family. Her older sister was lucky to be born before her dad had time to get rich. By that time, the parents decided to give birth to their second child. And in the family, tension has already arisen, which happens when a husband begins to earn a lot of money: he is not at home much, his character changes. And so the whole family begins to lament over Nadya: she is so clever, beautiful, will be an excellent pupil! This was repeated, like a refrain, and firmly rooted in the mind of the girl herself. She spoke incredibly early, went straight from the cradle, and by the age of five she was sent to a dance club.

This was the formation of the Hero of the family in full.

When this girl was brought to me at the beginning of her second grade, she could neither read, nor write, nor count. She had a marked developmental delay. While her parents dreamed of how she would study well, they forgot to teach her to read, write, and count.

Before the school itself, they woke up. But Nadya was unable to immediately master the letters and hold a pen. She not only did not assimilate the educational material - she repulsed it. To my words: "You don't have to be successful all the time!" - the eight-year-old child suddenly burst into tears. The little girl was hysterical and asked: “Are you telling the truth? Can I not try? "

Dad was threatened to cover his mouth with a band-aid, he was ordered not to say anything about school at all. Mom suddenly remembered that she herself also had triplets. And my grandmother fell seriously ill. And the dysfunctional family, shifting their attention, began to look after their sick grandmother in friendly rows.

FIRST TO END OF DAYS

Alexander lost his leg at Stalingrad, but this did not prevent him from being a true Hero of the family. Even when he went to potatoes with his department, he worked the most. He was an indispensable participant in rush jobs, a fighter against tight deadlines, a savior of failing projects. Colleagues all the time could not cope with either the potatoes or the deadlines - and he was the first everywhere. And a huge garden grew around him - his huge family. And after the third heart attack, he not only helped someone write a thesis, arranged for someone's children in kindergarten, but also every morning before work he went to the dairy kitchen for milk for his grandson. After all, until they get up and fail, there will be no milk left!

FAN: “ONLY I ALWAYS KNOW HOW IT IS NECESSARY”

The fan is a very strong and protected survival role, its symbol is the circle. This is a person who very tenaciously clings to every delusion. He firmly defends every idea that he considers correct, and any conclusion he comes to, he sincerely considers the truth in the last resort. It is easier for a fan to kill a person than to admit that he, a fan, is wrong. He aggressively defends his beliefs, regardless of whether it will benefit him, because there is no question of reality here. For the Fan, the most important thing is to preserve his border, even if it is artificial, even if it did not appear from a good life. Of course, the Fan is an alcoholic who is convinced that only alcohol gives him the opportunity to live. If you listen to it carefully, then you will hear a lot of fanatical words. How can you not drink in this damned country? How can you not drink with such a wife? Yes, I would have quit drinking if the children were not so unlucky!

A fan shouts: "We don't want to know anything but communism." He vehemently objected: "There is no need to hang around the companies and they need not leave the house in the evenings!" But the Fan can be quiet. When working with the softest codependent, at some point, having fallen for the bait of this silence and softness, you will run into a stone wall. It so happened: I went and bought a bottle. It so happened: I went in and started playing. Well, I could not resist! And notice: when he speaks, an invisible robe appears on his shoulders, you must all admit that it cannot be otherwise. This is the only way. Will I drink, will I beat my wife, will I prove that it is possible to work only by putting pressure on other people, will I turn everyone into workaholics, I have a certain feeling of royal greatness all the time. The main thing for the Fan: I always know how to do it. And either you agree with me, or I will push to the last.

A fan can actually be a pretty sweet woman, mother and wife, who is always - always! - knows how to do it. Whatever happens to the child, he must go to wash his hands before eating, and then sit down to dinner, and only then can you ask him what happened to him. She always knows that if her husband has such an expression on his face, it means that something happened to him at work and he must tell her about it. She can talk about it in a completely angelic voice. But in this voice the Fan rings, because he knows and understands everything. By the way, a Fan may speak for democracy and freedom of speech, but he will be just as fanatical about democracy and freedom of speech! He will sit in a robe and say: “Why don't you express other opinions? You are obliged to express different opinions! You must object to me. You should! You are required!" It is understood that the porphyry-bearing heaviness must create some physical structure. He kind of bears this burden of responsibility for all of us on his shoulders. And since the Fan donned the mantle not from a good life, he always slouches a little. Therefore, the shoulders are slightly forward and the heaviness is the position of the Fan.

Another feature of the Fan is the inability to give. The jaws are clenched, the shoulder muscles are clamped. What happens to your hands when you give? A balanced movement looks very simple: take and give. I take from the person, from the world and give what I consider necessary. For a Fan, it is possible to take, but to give it back is very difficult.

Another trait of the Fan is an absolute disrespect for the boundaries of other people. A fan is a person for whom the boundaries of other people do not exist. He breaks them through with all his strength in order to restore order there. Because he has a complete understanding of how the people around him are supposed to function. The boundaries of the Fan himself are built in such a way that you do not come close and, God forbid, do not look inside. Because a fan does not know how to defend himself with normal, human boundaries.

REASONS OF FANATISM

The fan did not become himself because of a good life. This is an image of a very early experience, when the child felt that he was not given what he needed, and therefore the only person who can be responsible for him is himself. This is a child who is not approached, but only run up when he starts screaming. This is a person who once had to learn that success can be achieved only at the cost of absolute independence, that only relying on oneself can one survive. The fan is a late trauma of need, starting from about three months, when something is not given or is not given what is needed. No one will take care of me, except myself, and only I myself will defend myself to the last patron. I cannot trust other people.

Instead of strong adult hands, I begin to control myself. I keep my energy in myself, I do not give it away. The fan is the controller. He is terribly anxious that the world will not be organized the way he thinks is right or convenient. Because if the world is variable, he, the Fan, must do something and make a choice. And in order to choose, you need to give and take, otherwise it is impossible. You need to give energy, feelings, you need to interact with the world, you need direct and feedback. It’s scary, it’s alarming, it’s better to just control the world with all your behavior, so that it builds up in a way that suits me, so that I don’t expect any trouble from the world. However, this feeling is illusory. No person in the world can control the world. The world - he lives for himself and lives. And the illusion of control creates the illusion that I am providing myself with safety.

In the family of a Fan father, one of the children can also grow up to be a Fan. Excessive pressure can cause excessive resistance, and then in a family two fans will come face to face. Sometimes it is the Fanat's daughter, sometimes the Fanat's son. True, usually in family triangles Fans push each other out. It is rather difficult to imagine the appearance of the husband and wife of the Fans - they will quickly scatter. But if a Fan-daughter grows up in the family with a Fan-dad, she will leave the house, slamming the door, or make her father leave.

The Fan is characterized by a very strong manifestation of aggression and anger, constant indignation. And when these feelings are seen by those around him, he is ashamed. And hence the constant hesitation between presenting anger and aggression and shame about these presented feelings.

I let out my anger - ashamed, so as not to feel ashamed - I am angry. What I feel inside begins to be perceived by me as imposed on me from the outside. If I am ashamed, I become less aware of my shame and begin to shame others. They should be ashamed. To be honest, each of us has a little Fanatic.

For all that, the Fan believes that he is doing a good, good deed. This is how he cares about the world! He doesn't enjoy yelling. I would never have screamed if you had behaved differently! After all, the main thing in the role of survival is that we believe that we behave in the most natural way in response to the challenges of the world around us. This is not a mask that you can take off, examine and laugh: how funny I am! Well, I'll put it on and try again. And when we start working with the role, the first and main step is to achieve the appearance between the mask and our own face a little bit of air. We must begin to feel our own face, and then we will gradually increase this distance, and in the end we will be able to look at our own face from the outside. To free yourself from the role and get the opportunity to live separately from it, thus creating space for your true needs. Because a person fills the inner space with delusions in order not to realize his real needs.

This is actually a very important thing - what do I get instead? Because you can change something in yourself only for the sake of something that I will receive. When we seek to free ourselves from something, we need to know what we will receive instead. If we quit smoking, we must know what to do if we do not quit smoking. With alcoholism, drug addiction is understandable. But the Fan does not allow himself those feelings and needs that are very important to him. He replaces them with his delusions. And when he begins to gradually approach himself and feel what he really needs, only then can he free himself.

Any survival role is always serving someone. You have no idea how convenient it is to live with a Fan! Any other conflict in the family ends when the Fan starts pounding everyone and everyone unites - either serving the Fan, or against him. And in this dysfunctional family, the fan cannot survive without his beloved partner. Without Master Benefactor.