Asexuality: who are asexuals. Who are asexuals? Signs of asexuality How to know if I'm asexual

05.08.2023

Asexuals are people who have absolutely no sexual attraction. The reason for this can be depression, disgust, as well as reduced or completely absent libido. Asexuality, although characteristic of women, is much simpler, so today we will talk about men and their asexuality.
It is known that some men both here and abroad, in addition to not having sex themselves, also actively promote and promote the idea of asexuality to the masses. At first, you might think that these are elderly men with a lot of problems in both personal and business life. We hasten to disappoint you: these are quite attractive young people with good positions and great prospects. But they do not see the point in relationships between members of different sexes, and even more so in having sex.

According to one of the typical asexuals, sex for him is nothing more than "a series of clumsy body movements and a short cramp at the end." At the same time, this 28-year-old man sincerely wonders why this is necessary, because, according to him, there are much more interesting and pleasant things around than sex. Also, according to his confession, like all men, he sometimes experiences arousal, but this does not at all indicate his readiness to have sex. Moreover, erotic fantasies and dreams never appear in his head, and masturbation has never been characteristic of him. At the same time, in order not to be considered a hypocrite among friends and acquaintances, the young man still takes care of the girls, but things do not go beyond friendship.

It is worth noting that many asexuals can willingly spend time with people of the opposite sex, kiss and hug them, walk and talk heart to heart with them. All this is not alien to them. But, according to them, the most important and valuable thing in a relationship is friendship, and sex attracts only miserable and perverted personalities. “A person should be kind and reasonable, should not pay attention to what he has below the belt,” is the point of view of asexuals, which they gladly adhere to.

Perhaps, with such a scale (today the number of asexuals is almost equal to the number of people with a non-traditional orientation), asexuality may well become a new direction and an orientation recognized by all, along with bisexuality and homosexuality.

However, asexuals differ from everyone only in their attitude towards sex, but their attitude towards children is like that of ordinary people, so sooner or later they think about procreation. Some of them decide on a few minutes of sex solely for the sake of conceiving a child, while others, if funds permit, turn to methods of artificial insemination. Moreover, this is characteristic of asexuals, both female and male.

It should be noted that asexuals are very concerned about the attitude of the people around them. Doctors and psychotherapists, as a rule, see a big problem in asexuality and immediately offer to solve it. But those asexuals who consider their relationship to sex normal do not consider themselves sick and in need of treatment.

Or even its absence up to complete indifference to sex. This is not a disease, but rather a sexual orientation. And more often acquired than congenital. Asexual is a phenomenon that has been studied by scientists since 1950.

The emergence of asexuality

The concept of "asexuality" has been around for thousands of years. In many cultures, this was considered and is still a manifestation of holiness. For example, monks, priests, girls who accepted In ancient times, asexuality was even encouraged.

Popularity of asexualism

Asexuality has gained popularity since 2001. The impetus for this was the site of David Jay Aven. He created an asexual society on the Internet. The portal has already registered 50 thousand people from all over the world. True, they call themselves heteroromantics who have feelings for other people, but have no sexual attraction to them.

The meaning of this concept

Asexuals are called "Generation X". The term first appeared in the United States when scientists described the period from the sixty-fifth to the eighty-two. During this period of time, there was a demographic decline that followed the sexual revolution.

An asexual is a person who does not experience sexual desire. For one reason or another, he is not interested in sex at all. Scientists have found that such people do not have any deviations in physical development. But they consciously refuse sex.

Asexuals are not devoid of feelings. They are capable of love. And they believe that deep platonic feelings are ideal. They are not aroused by pornography. Intimacy means only pleasant long conversations, and a woman's breasts or a man's penis are just organs of the body. Sexopathologists note that men most often become asexuals. And the number of such people is increasing.

Asexual groups

Asexuals can be divided into several groups:

Causes of asexuality

Asexual girls may not experience sexual desire due to the very painful loss of virginity. Men - from disappointment in sex. The reason for indifference to the intimate side of life must be sought from childhood. For example, strict parents, wanting to save the child from harm, inspire him that sex is a shameful and bad occupation. There can be many reasons for the occurrence of asexuality:

psychological trauma;
low libido;
disgust;
bad past experience
disgust;
feeling of alienation;
depression;
rape, etc.

Asexuality sometimes arises from promiscuity and frequent sexual intercourse. A person tries to try the whole "Kama Sutra", and after that he loses interest in sex completely. The promotion of free love in the media and on television can encourage a desire to resist such obsessions. A person unconsciously begins to avoid sex, since there is nothing secret, intimate, hidden anymore. Interest is lost, and as a result, the desire for intimacy disappears.

Why asexuals do not accept sex?

Asexuals are a separate orientation. Basically, these are educated and well-read people. They are not against marriage bonds or the birth of children. Maintain relationships with the opposite sex and lead a normal life. They just refuse to have sex. It is normal for them not to want it.

Some see it as a waste of time. Although, in order to please a loved one, they periodically enter into an intimate relationship with him. Some asexuals experience indifference or the main reason lies in the previously received psychological trauma.

Asexualism - congenital or acquired phenomenon?

With congenital asexuality, a person does not feel interest in intimate relationships, even during puberty. This is when the hormones are at their most active. If asexualism is acquired, then this may be the result of psychological trauma or rape, after seeing a sexual scene in childhood, or as a result of rough and cruel sex. For example, when the first experience was not pleasant and disgust appeared for intercourse.

Can asexuals have children?

Asexuals can have children if there are no health problems. Asexual is a person who simply has his own attitude towards sex. In physical terms, such people are no different from everyone else. And during sex, they can even experience arousal. They just don't enjoy it. And as soon as an asexual girl becomes pregnant, she completely refuses further sex. But the child safely bears and gives birth.

Also, if a man has become asexual, this does not mean changes in the physical plane. He still has sperm. The penis is aroused, and the man can safely end the sexual intercourse by directing sperm into the vagina to conceive a child.

Asexuality - a disease or a new orientation?

Many psychiatrists and sex therapists do not consider asexuality to be a disease. But some experts disagree with them and name several prerequisites for its occurrence:

endocrine and psychiatric diseases;
poisoning with drugs or salts of heavy metals;
damage to the nervous system.

But according to ongoing studies, it has been established that sexual desire is individual, and does not directly depend on diseases. Some may desire sex more than once a day, while for others twice a month is sufficient.

Consequences of asexuality

Asexual is a person who is in the "risk group". His prolonged abstinence from sex can "come back" with serious health consequences. Abstinence from the point of view of medicine affects a person negatively. It is especially dangerous for men. Lack of sex affects sperm motility. There is a risk of prostatitis. May occur during sex. Moreover, the older the man, the harder his body tolerates abstinence.

It doesn't work for women either. Prolonged abstinence causes tearfulness, irritability, nervousness. Many gynecological diseases can occur, up to oncology. Premenstrual syndromes are aggravated, menstruation is difficult. Violated the work of the genitals and much more.

In today's world, the concept of sexuality is no longer as taboo as it was twenty years ago. People can openly talk about who they are sexually attracted to, and humanity is gradually moving towards accepting those people who were previously considered as mentally ill and not like everyone else. We are talking, for example, about homosexuals and bisexuals who practice sexual relations with partners of the same sex or both sexes. Today, many people have already realized that all the prohibitions that existed before were created artificially, and in fact, each person can love whoever he wants, and not who society dictates to him.

But at the same time, it is worth paying attention to another group of people who have not yet been identified as the fourth type of sexuality, but are increasingly talking about it as such. It's about asexuals. But who are asexuals? What makes them different from other people? Is the concept of asexuality the same as antisexuality? There are a large number of questions that need to be answered in order to fully understand who asexuals are. And this article will help you with this.

Who are asexuals?

Very many people at the sight of this word immediately begin to think about abstinence, that is, the so-called celibacy. However, this is an erroneous judgment, and now you will understand why. Asexuality is the complete absence of sexual desire in a person or his extremely weak presence. Accordingly, asexuality should not be confused with willful abstinence, because asexuals do not intentionally withhold sex for any particular purpose. They do it because they don't feel like having sex, meaning they don't have a sex drive. However, this is not all that you need to understand in order to fully understand who asexuals are.

What is characteristic of an asexual?

Many people ask questions about how to become asexual. However, these kinds of questions don't make any sense and can often hurt other people's feelings.

The fact is that many residents of the post-Soviet space still have the perception that people who fall in love with members of their gender are abnormal. Similarly, they view the lack of sexual desire as an aberration. But these views are long outdated and have been refuted, because both homosexuality and bisexuality are absolutely normal orientations, no different from heterosexuality.

The same goes for asexuality. After all, the lack of sexual desire in this case does not depend on the person in any way - he was born that way, and this is not a congenital disease that should be treated as soon as possible. This is a normal state that just needs to be accepted. After all, you will not cure the color of the skin or eyes. Questions such as "How does an asexual live?" are rude and tactless, so you should refrain from such statements if you want to look like a cultured person.

Physical disability?

This has already been said earlier, but it is worth dwelling on this point in more detail. Asexuality is not the same as impotence, because asexuals retain the ability to perform sexual intercourse and even use it, for example, to procreate. In most cases, however, they do not get any pleasure from the process, so sex is something unnatural for them, and therefore not particularly interesting. But asexual society is much more harmless than antisexual society, because the latter openly oppose sexual relations and sexuality as such, and their rejection of sex is already the result of their moral choice.

Sexual disorder?

There are people who are always in a hurry to judge other people, as well as help other people, and often asexuals fall into their sights. The causes of asexuality must be clarified, the person must be shown to a doctor, prescribed treatment, and so on. However, this again is a gross violation of human moral standards, because asexuality is not a disease, like homosexuality and bisexuality. A person does not experience physical discomfort from this, he also does not experience moral discomfort, he cannot “infect” anyone and does not affect others in any way. So remember once and for all: asexuality is not a sexual disorder and therefore does not require treatment.

Types of asexuals

However, it is worth noting that there are varieties of asexuals, even if there are only two of them. There are no specific names for these varieties, but from the description it is easy to understand what is the difference between them. So, the first type of asexuals are those people who do not perceive sex in any form at all, experience absolutely no sexual attraction and never have sexual intercourse in their lives. These are 100% asexuals, but they are not the only ones.

The second type includes those people who do not experience much sexual attraction, but allow themselves the possibility of entering into sexual intercourse, in most cases for the purpose of procreation. Such people still do not get any pleasure from sex and do not really want to have it, but at the same time they can have sexual intercourse if they have a certain motive. The most common of them (the continuation of the genus) has already been mentioned above.

Signs of asexuality

It's time to look at the specific signs of asexuality that will help you figure out if you're asexual or not. It will also help you distinguish between asexual and impotent, antisexual, celibate, and so on. So, what are the main signs of asexuality?

Firstly, asexuals feel sympathy and romantic attraction to other people, are ready to enter into a relationship with them, but only not to have sexual relations with them. This is precisely due to the fact that these people do not have sexual desire, but at the same time they remain people, and romantic feelings are not alien to them.

Secondly, even asexuals can occasionally experience sexual attraction, but only to those people with whom they have established long-term romantic relationships, with whom they have been living together for a long time in peace and harmony.

Third, asexuals are often able to maintain long-term romantic relationships with other people if those people are comfortable with their outlook on life. You should not enter into a relationship with an asexual in the hope that he will like you, and then you can "change" him with your love. This is a very selfish approach, and you will not do it better for yourself or for another person.

Life without sex

So, now you know what asexuality is and who are asexuals. You should remember that such people are not "perverts" or not like everyone else. They just have their own characteristics of the body and their own outlook on life, so you just need to respect these views and try not to attach much importance to it.

Pretense

Given the fact that everything new always becomes fashionable, asexuality has also attracted public interest. Immediately there were questions about how to become asexual, but, as mentioned above, this is impossible to do, just as you cannot become heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual of your own free will. Unfortunately, this world is full of make-believe, so many people try to wear masks without thinking that it will only hurt other people's feelings.

251 396

About harmony with oneself, the beauty of the human body and how asexuality differs from the sale of the soul.

Faster, higher, stronger, more often. Sex is definitely the most fashionable sport. Culture has been telling us for centuries that having sex is not only enjoyable and fun, but also a must. We are told that regular and varied sex is the norm to strive for, and its absence should be cause for anxiety, guilt and shame. It is not surprising that in the era of glossy frivolous covers, the topic of asexuality becomes fertile ground for the emergence of various speculations and scary tales. Dasha, an artist and asexual, helped us debunk the most common myths.

Dasha
19 years

Dasha, without hesitation, agreed to be photographed. At the meeting, we talked about
the importance of dispelling social prejudices about normative identity

Myth one:
Asexuality is a physical or psychological disorder

An asexual may not experience sexual attraction to other people in principle, or have an extremely low level of attraction - this does not depend on the sex or gender of the intended partners. In a culture where lack of sex is viewed as a symptom and cause for concern, asexuality is easily labeled as a disease. Could it be the result of childhood trauma? Or is the clue in your medical record? If you consider yourself asexual, you are probably not the first time these tactless assumptions. And although asexuality is not included in the famous list of ICD-10 (“International Classification of Diseases”), even doctors are subject to the stereotype about the pathological nature of asexuality.
Despite this, asexuality is not a malfunction of the body or a mental disorder. A person who has experienced violence or has psychological problems may also be asexual, as well as have any other traits and habits. There is no causal relationship between the choice of asexuality and the physical features of our body.

If you think about why I feel this way ... On the Internet, it seems to me, they are more inclined to believe that this is either a psychological problem or a physiological one. I did not pass any examinations in either area. I'm fine, I'm just fine, I feel good. There is no need for someone, understanding this, to try to set me "on the right path." I am subscribed to a couple of online communities about asexuality - not because I want to talk, but to see some adequate information: everything that I have read before is written in too scientific physiological language, it all comes down to medicine, the norm. But everyone has their own reasons. When they try to tell me that sex life should be predetermined by physiology or nature, I want to answer: damn it, we live in the 21st century, what kind of nature?

Myth two:
Asexuals are generally not interested in communicating with other people.

Asexuality does not imply a closed lifestyle by definition. Like any other person, an asexual can be an extrovert or an introvert and form a social circle depending on his temperament, character and needs. There are no social differences between asexuals and so-called prosexuals.

For example, it is easy for me to communicate on work topics. I will talk to you absolutely normally as Dasha-colleague. When I was a student, of course, I talked with classmates: I was an activist, I had no problems with academic performance, I was not a freak. Those. I never had any problems with socialization. I have acquaintances, I have friends - these are people whom I have known since childhood, I value them, because they do not need to explain anything

Myth three:
Asexuals dislike the human body

The perception of the body as an object of desire, the emphasis on sexual attractiveness, is alien to asexuals. But this does not mean at all that in asexual people, the appearance of a person causes unpleasant emotions or is a taboo topic.

I treat [the body] as an object of study, most likely. As a sex object, no. In my work, I generally adhere to the cult of nature: any person is beautiful to me. I like, when working on a portrait, to invent a person's character based on his appearance. I always get the impression that I know everything about this person.

Myth four:
Asexual people are unhappy, they are oppressed by the lack of sex

As already mentioned, asexuality is not the result of suppression of one's own needs. There is an opinion that prolonged conscious abstinence can adversely affect health, but there are no reliable research results on this issue to date. As well as data on the impact of asexuality on quality of life.

It seems to me that there is some kind of separation of energies. As about family and about career. That we can all do either one or the other: there is not enough man for everything. I want to apply my strength in the field of art, and not beat on closed doors. For me, asexuality is more of a comfortable state, because I can’t put into words why I don’t want to. Do not want and that's it. I never had the desire to have a relationship with anyone. Self-awareness happened very gradually. There were no drops or discoveries, you just come step by step to what you are.

Myth five:
Asexuality doesn't need to be publicized

Like many other gender identities, asexuality is practically not represented in the sphere of public consciousness. The lack of available information about asexuality is fertile ground for the emergence of stereotypes and speculation, which today can be found in abundance both in virtual discussions and in discriminatory social practices.

On the one hand, I didn't need to position myself as asexual. My friends and I do not raise this topic: my social circle is such that we do not discuss each other's personal relationships, we value personal space. On the other hand, it is very necessary, at least not to be pressured by responsibility to society. How homosexuals are being pressured, they say, they cannot create a full-fledged family in the “natural” sense, somewhere same-sex couples cannot have children ... The problem of responsibility to society is the same here and there, and pressure should not be put on either those. Therefore, I would like this topic to be covered and developed further.

Myth six:
Asexuality is not discriminated against

This assumption itself is a form of discrimination. Asexuality is often devalued, denied its existence or stigmatized as a disease. The asexual lifestyle is never labeled as a possible alternative to the prosexual one, but rather as a departure from the norm, the absence of any identity. Within the LGBTQA community, asexuals and their issues are also not always given sufficient attention.

Today, the topic of sex is given much more attention: it is both cinema and art, everywhere. Billboards, literature... a lot of it has to do with sex. People who don't do this feel like they're missing something. They are told from everywhere that it's cool, it's cool, that everyone needs it. And it's the same with family and children - there are many such phenomena. Once, for example, I had a very unpleasant situation when I went couchsurfing. When the person and I agreed, I immediately said: “I won’t sleep with you.” And when I arrived, this problem suddenly arose. I had to leave and look for another place to live. Because of such situations, the thought that maybe someone needs something from me, and this “something” is assumed by default, is sometimes very annoying. And then I don't know how to behave. Because you don’t want to offend anyone, but, one might say, they rarely believe in asexuality. It's easier for a person to believe that I don't like him than that I just don't want to.

Myth seven:
Asexuality and celibacy are the same

There are significant differences between asexuality and celibacy (celibacy). People who have adopted celibacy experience sexual desire, but are forced to suppress it and refrain from intimate relationships for religious or other reasons. Asexuals do not feel attracted to other people.

Also, asexuality should not be confused with sexual abstinence - a forced or voluntary conscious restriction of sexual activity. The notorious “virginity before marriage” is just a manifestation of abstinence, but in this case a person consciously suppresses sexual impulses.

In literature, there is often a situation when an evil spirit offers to sell an immortal soul in exchange for genius and all sorts of delight from creative creation. And in response, you need to give up any heart affairs. Feelings, love must be sacrificed. For me it was not a victim that I refuse to communicate with anyone. Because sacrifice is when you give up what you need, what you like. I just got rid of the problem, from the fact that I had a stone on my soul. I feel very comfortable alone - and it's one thing, for example, just to meet with someone to talk, and another - when the relationship involves the constant presence of another person nearby. I really appreciate my loneliness and I'm not ready to sacrifice it

Myth eight:
Asexuals, being in a relationship, cease to be asexual

Indeed, many asexuals who have sexually active partners are often forced to change their sexual behavior in order to please a loved one or for the sake of having children. But for the asexual himself, this can remain an unpleasant or even traumatic experience. In couples where one of the partners is asexual, it is important to maintain a sober balance between each other's needs and desires: to force the other half to change their sexual behavior under emotional or physical pressure means to use violence against him.

Thank God, I have never been in such a situation [of a relationship with a prosexual], so I can’t say anything about myself. But if it is hypothetically imagined, then only if it is a matter of life and death, probably. I think this [insisting on sex with an asexual] is violence. On the other hand, when you enter into a relationship with a person, let's say, actively sexual, then you probably assume what awaits you ... And when this choice is made, when this question directly arises, whether to have sex with him or not, or when you fall in love, maybe there are options when you can completely "change religion." Maybe why not? I can’t say with certainty that in 20 years nothing will change in me. Now, of course, I think: yes, nothing will ever change. But who knows what will happen? [On sex for the sake of procreation] Maybe if someone has a purely platonic relationship, then I can imagine that people want to take a child from an orphanage, but it’s hard to imagine that they want to give birth to themselves, roughly speaking, through force

Myth nine:
Asexuality is the new fashion trend

The topic of asexuality is not new at all. In history, one can find a sufficient number of examples when people led an asexual lifestyle, although they did not formally identify themselves as asexuals: G. Kh. Andersen, I. Kant, I. Newton, N. Gogol. The very term "asexuality" really arose relatively recently. The first studies dealing with the topic of asexuality date back to the middle of the 20th century. In his fundamental work Sexual Behavior of the Human Male (1948), Alfred Kinsey singles out the category “X” in the scale of sexual orientations, which includes people who do not experience sexual attraction to others. In 1977, Mira T. Johnson created Asexual and Autoerotic Women: Two Invisible Groups, where, perhaps for the first time, the topic of human asexuality was openly problematized.

A large 1994 empirical study in the UK showed that 1% of respondents "have never felt sexual attraction to anyone". A series of works by Canadian scientist Anthony Bogart on asexuality confirms that more than 60 million people in the world are asexual.

The year 2001 can be considered the starting point for the entry of asexuality into the public sphere. At this time, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) was born to educate about asexuality and advocate for the right of asexuals to self-determination.

Myth ten:
Asexuals simply did not find the “right person” or made a hasty, wrong choice

These incredibly tenacious stereotypes arise when discussing any "non-titular" gender identity - and asexuality is no exception. Asexuality is multifaceted. Just as no one, except the person himself, can say with certainty whether he is asexual or not, so judging the “true” reasons for each specific case, and even more so giving advice, is at least ridiculous.

By talking about their asexuality, a person asserts his identity and asks for respect for it, and not advice on how to "solve this problem."

I didn't have any sudden revelations or swings about who I am. Just step by step you come to who you are. And if you are completely sure of what you are doing, then the life of other people should not concern you. And if something doesn’t suit you, then, of course, you want everyone to feel just as bad as you ... I worked out a rule for myself: you can simply answer all questions: “So what?” I started to look at emotions from a slightly different point of view - from the point of view of boredom from the fact that this is all because people have nothing to do. It is worth just for a moment to imagine that this is all invented - and you will no longer be able to look at things the way you looked at them before. Therefore, my only problem now is whether I have money for travel. I personally put an end to any emotional attachments that I had, and the moment it occurred to me, I was the happiest

natasha fedorenko

“Something is wrong with me,” Nina noticed this as a teenager. While all the peers were discussing sex and relationships, both of them horrified her. Nina never wanted sex, however, she could experience a short platonic sympathy for people who share her views and fit into her ideas about beauty (usually they were women, less often men). Nina tried to have sex when she was in a monogamous relationship - as a compromise. With men it was unpleasant and painful, with women - tolerable, but no pleasure. After intercourse, sympathy usually gave way to irritation.

Nina took hormone tests, went to sexologists and psychotherapists - everything was in order, except that she still did not want to have sex and did not suffer from it. “I do not consider sex something dirty, and purity - a sign of holiness and sublimity. Let people have sex for health, if only not with me, ”says Nina. She is asexual, and there are quite a few like Nina. According to a 2004 British study, about 1% of all people on earth are asexual. Today, presumably, this figure can reach 3%. In 2021, the UK will hold a traditional census, which for the first time may include the definition of orientation as “asexual”. Perhaps then we can get more accurate statistics.

What is asexuality?

Katya says that at the age of 19 she first had a partner who did not force her to have sex. “It quickly became clear that when no one initiates sex, I won’t even think about having it. After sex, I was very uncomfortable and uncomfortable,” says Katya.

Asexuals are people who do not want to have sex with other people. As a rule, they are simply not interested in sex. It is important to distinguish asexuality from celibacy, religious abstinence before marriage, or anti-sexuality. (a conscious decision to refuse sex for ethical or any other reasons. - Approx. ed.). Reluctance to have sex can be dictated by depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and other mental difficulties. Prosexuals (People who want sex and enjoy it. - Approx. ed.) libido is often reduced due to a lack of, for example, testosterone. Asexuals, on the other hand, have normal hormonal levels, and in general they are mentally healthy. Simply put, their main difference is that a person who has health problems suffers from the inability to have sex, while asexuals do not. Many asexuals jokingly compare sex with a cake (the latter has become an unofficial symbol of the community): someone always loves sweets, someone eats it periodically, while others can’t stand it at all. Others say: “Sex? No thanks, I'd rather eat a piece of cake." This topic is actively played up in thematic memes.

Asexuality is studied surprisingly little, but a 2013 study by Lorrie Brotto of the University of British Columbia proves that asexuals are capable of erections and secretion of vaginal lubricant in response to certain stimulation, like all healthy people. “You know, I examined my “device”. Everything works fine, I kind of like it even pleased. It’s just that I don’t feel any attraction,” joked one of the participants in a similar study by Brotto.

Asexuals can even experience orgasms, they just don't bring them emotional satisfaction. Some asexuals enjoy masturbation, but for them it's more of an on-duty bodily release.

Asexuals can even experience orgasms, they just don't bring them emotional satisfaction. Some asexuals enjoy masturbation, but for them it works differently than for prosexual people - it's more of an on-duty bodily release. They don't use images of familiar people or feel uncomfortable watching porn. True, some of them have become adept at masturbating to erotic stories - they are turned on by the narrative, while still not feeling sexual attraction to either real or imaginary people. Vinay says that he uses erotic stories and comics for masturbation: “I get turned on by the story itself, some kind of emotional intensity. But I experience an orgasm, not reaching the part where the sex itself is described.

Formally, asexuality is still considered a deviation, and specifically, a hypoactive disorder of sexual desire, which, in turn, is included in the lists of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, for example, in the USA. However, the main local asexual activist organization AVEN (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network) is actively fighting this issue.

AVEN provided a 75-page document with links to scientific research, in which it stated that asexuality should not be perceived as a disorder, but as an identity. This does not mean that the disorder itself does not exist, but only makes an amendment: not everyone who does not want to have sex has problems. By the way, according to Brotto's research, people with hypoactive sexual desire disorder had sex, kissed and entered into relationships noticeably more than people who identified themselves as asexual.

Wide spectrum

However, asexuality is not so unambiguous. The community has a delineated spectrum according to which people can define their sexuality. There are, for example, graysexuals - they can be identified as people who experience sexual attraction, but quite rarely. Sexual identity is mobile, and yesterday's asexual can move into the gray zone and back.

Masha says that a few years ago she defined herself as asexual: sex horrified her and caused pain (mostly moral). However, after she started dating her current girlfriend, her identity shifts from total denial of sex to demisexuality (having sexual desire only after reaching a high level of emotional intimacy with a partner). “She revealed my sexuality. At first, I didn’t let her near my body at all - I acted only in an active role and was glad that I could please her. But with her tact, care and caution, she showed that sex can be pleasant for me too, ”says Masha. She still has certain limitations as a host, but this does not bother her girlfriend.

However, differences among asexuals exist not only in sex, but also in how they see or do not see romantic relationships for themselves, determine attraction to a particular type of people. People who do not want to be romantically involved call themselves aromantics. Aromantics can also be graysexual, meaning they rarely have sex without being in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship.

There are many panromantics among asexuals, the latter are attracted by the personal qualities of a person, regardless of their gender and physiological characteristics. This is how Masha defines herself - now she is in a relationship with a girl, but before that she also liked men

Elena says that she never fell in love and did not experience sexual attraction, but she is in no hurry to stick a label on herself. “I do not call myself an aromantic and I admit the possibility that in the future I can fall in love with someone. In my opinion it would be a great experience. But if I don’t experience it, that’s not a problem either.” Nina is more categorical in this sense - she considers herself an aromantic. He hates touching naked parts of his body, kissing - all this can cause rejection. For her, only friendship is acceptable, and the traditional concept of romantic relationships annoys her: “I really don’t like it when they constantly require me to be there, watch movies in an embrace under the covers, walk by the hand, take a bath together.”

At the same time, there are also enough asexual romantics. As a rule, they enter into ordinary, from the point of view of society, relationships, they simply do not have sex. Vika says that she has been in a relationship with a man for quite some time. He is prosexual, she is asexual, but they managed to reach a compromise: “I do not like to have sex, and at first he was very offended. Everything was complicated by the fact that, despite the rejection of the sexual intercourse itself, I really love flirting, hugging, in general, everything that relates to foreplay, but not sex. From the outside, it looked like I was deliberately “breaking it off.” However, over time, she managed to convince her partner of her peculiarity, the initial passion subsided, and now they rarely have sex - as a compromise. Fortunately, he does not cause Vika any suffering - she feels only indifference and boredom. Vika is an asexual heteroromantic. But there are also biromantics, homoromantics, and so on in the community.

There are many panromantics among asexuals, the latter are attracted by the personal qualities of a person, regardless of their gender and physiological characteristics. This is how Masha defines herself - now she is in a relationship with a girl, but before that she also liked men. “Although, who knows, maybe I'm just a terry lesbian,” she ironically.

Mirra even considers herself resexual - this concept is more popular in thematic communities, it is rare in the media. Resexuals do not accept sex on a psychological level, consider it alien to themselves and reject the social and gender roles imposed by society. In general, we are talking more about a conscious rejection of sex than about a lack of desire as asexuals. Mirra is happily married - her husband also defines himself as a resexual. They do not have sex, but they love kissing, hugging, expressing affection for each other in every possible way and completely agree on their views on relationships. “I am a supporter of“ sexfree ”- this is a direction that does not fight against sex, but only spreads the information that life without sex exists and it is quite pleasant and exciting,” says Mirra.

Stigma and queerplatonics

Asexuals agree that they do not face such discrimination as, for example, the LGBT community. Usually they simply do not believe them, they are advised to wait for true love, change partners or positions in sex and, in general, strive to reveal their sexual potential. In a world where popular culture is hypersexualized and romance is inextricably linked to sex and considered more important than anything else, the community feels uncomfortable. A 2013 study shows that asexuals are more likely than others to be prone to depression and anxiety due to the fact that they are not taken seriously by society and do not fit into existing behavior patterns.

The problem is that there are not so many asexuals. Finding a partner with very little or no interest in sex can be difficult: you can only rely on online communities, and relationships with prosexuals often end in a traumatic breakup. “I want a relationship, but for now I decided to abandon this idea. Despite the fact that my former prosexual partner was very understanding, sex was a big problem for us,” Katya says. The lack of sex still frustrated her boyfriend, and when the couple did do it as a compromise, she became ill. “At first I suffered, then he felt ashamed in front of me, then again I was upset that I could not get along with him in temperament. It turned out an endless cycle of suffering, which was easier to break, ”the girl says. Katya came to the conclusion that she would build the next relationship only with an asexual, however, she does not particularly hope to find such a person quickly.

Alexander also admits that he has big problems finding a partner because of his characteristics. Girls are attracted to him aesthetically, intellectually, but not sexually - because of this, he avoids dates. “Although I recently met an asexual girl, we just met on the Internet. I felt amazingly calm and at ease. This gives a certain hope,” says Alexander. He says that deep down he still wants a relationship, but is not ready to include a sexual component in them.

Despite all the difficulties, the asexual community believes that their existence can completely change the way we look at relationships,
values and hierarchies

The debate about how much sex should be related to romance is not limited to asexuals. Recently, a community of people has emerged who identify themselves as "queerplatonists". They may or may not like sex (i.e., be asexual or prosexual), but they clearly avoid romantic relationships. Instead, they may build long-term relationships with people in a purely platonic sense, such as a friendship, partnership, or Boston marriage. Queerplatonists are the least studied so far, but they also make one wonder what constitutes the foundation of a strong relationship and whether sex is so important for a healthy partnership.

Despite all the difficulties, the asexual community believes that their existence is able to completely change our views on relationships, their value and hierarchies. It's not that we talk too much about sex, explains Jay David, one of the pioneers of the AVEN movement, which now has tens of thousands of members. “The problem is that we fetishize sex, equating it to the sum of all relationships that happen between people,” says David. In his opinion, friendship and communication in communities is no less valuable than sexual or romantic relationships. They also need to be discussed and explored. In his public speech, he says that it is customary to talk about relationships only in monogamous couples, but this can also be useful for friendship. “For example, discuss with your longtime friend how you spend friend’s time, what you would like to do during this time and how your connection develops,” offers Jay.

Asexuality opens our eyes to how we are all focused on sex, says Ela Przybylo, a cultural scientist at York University in Canada, and offers a different lens. If we stop glorifying only those relationships that involve romance and sex, then we can redefine the notion of a "lonely person." If we transfer some of the emotional forces to friendship, colleagues and like-minded people, then we will become more open to each other and begin to get rid of social stereotypes. Ideally, Przybylo believes, we should stop viewing our sexuality as something static, accept that its intensity depends on many factors, and feel free to "not have sex" or have it too much.