Male look. Initiative in relationships, or who owes what to whom. Should you be the first to take the initiative in a relationship with a man? Initiative women scare away tyrants and sexists
Some women's magazines also write about the need to take the initiative when meeting men, listing what advantages a lady will have if she dares to take the first step towards rapprochement with a representative of the stronger sex herself.
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency I and You, family psychologist and interpersonal relations consultant, is skeptical about what a woman should show and wishes the young ladies to be chosen after all. In this state of affairs, alliances are stronger, and the lady does not go against the laws of nature, taking on the male function.
1. Initiative women scare away tyrants and sexists
According to Elena Kuznetsova, such a statement is not entirely true, since the original purpose of a man's acquaintance with a woman is. And if it is the woman who shows the initiative when meeting, then the situation fits perfectly into the "male scheme" - not a single representative of the stronger sex, regardless of whether weaklings or tyrants, will refuse easy prey. If a woman herself makes contact, a man, in that case, will definitely play along with her. But whether the couple will develop a relationship after a stormy night is a question.
“At the initial meeting, the initiative works fine, because the man doesn't mind spending the night with the woman he likes. But then what? More than once I had to talk with male clients after their separation from partners. Analyzing past relationships, men recalled that it was the woman who initiated the acquaintance, and, ”the psychologist states.
Elena Kuznetsova, however, takes a slightly different point of view. She reminds the fair sex of the old truth that in, because it is a certain closeness and inaccessibility that attracts men. Superfluous.
“The human essence is that what is given to us simply is not appreciated. This also applies to human relationships, ”says the consultant on interpersonal relations.
5. Initiative encourages men to compete for women's attention
We are talking about a cunning psychological provocation aimed at winning the man you like. It consists in the following: choosing a nice guy who stands next to a skinny bespectacled friend, a young lady, and his friend. At the same time, the first man, feeling that he was bypassed, enters the fight for the girl. So the statement about the competition for female attention, but the very real reality.
“Men are very competitive, and they fight for the female all their lives. This is a great move on the part of a woman, a great provocation, ”says Kuznetsova. At the same time, the psychologist notes that men also often use a similar trick: wishing to "roll up" to a beautiful woman, they first make her less attractive friend. In this case, the beauty automatically begins to show more interest in the stronger sex.
If you have questions to psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the address of the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .
main reason
What prevents a woman from creating a long-term relationship with a man, getting married and building a happy family? There can be many reasons. But what is the main reason, or at least one of the most important? What is the most common cause?
This reason is, oddly enough, the woman's initiative when meeting men and in further relationships with them.
This behavior strategy only seems to be correct and effective. However, in fact, it only works at the very beginning of a relationship and, in fact, destroys these very relationships in the bud. (The point is that a woman wants a long-term relationship and marriage). If you get used to the initiative, then it is rather difficult to abandon it, because the woman has already become convinced that it “works” and the theoretical reasoning that in the long term the initiative only worsens is very difficult to work.
For example, overeating, smoking, and alcohol. Many people understand that overeating, smoking and alcohol are very unhealthy. But the positive effect (pleasure) comes already now, and the harm is somewhere out there, after many years.
Therefore, the purpose of my article is, first of all, to warn women against taking initiative in relationships with men. After all, the initiative lays a crack in the relationship, through which later these relationships will surely collapse. (It is not even necessary, in the literal sense of the word, a divorce).
What is this initiative and why is it bad for relationships with men? I will formulate the law of male thinking, and then decipher it a little. The most modest, most lacking in initiative, the most shy and insecure in life, a man wants to conquer his woman himself, and not be conquered by her.
This law, of course, was not invented by me. It was invented by nature for all mammals and then extended to humans. This law says that a woman must somehow show that she needs a man (sometimes this is not necessary), and already a man, if interested, then he must go to the conquest of a woman. Conquest shouldn't be too easy. There must be some kind of small competition between males or some kind of running after the female, dancing in front of her, etc.
And not the other way around. The female in more or less close to us animals never runs after the male, unless nature itself has something in the genes.
What happens if a woman herself begins to take the initiative? For example, she herself meets a man, calls him herself, forces the relationship herself and runs to the male herself?
Let's go back to instincts, which control our life by 70-80 percent. If a male (male) ran after a female, fought with other males for her (in our time, more often in a figurative sense, with money, confidence, success, etc.), then he felt himself a winner, he did a great job filled with meaning and gets long-term satisfaction from it, sometimes for decades. Some men (Don Juans) even get stuck in this state.
If the male (male) does not need to run after the female, does not need to compete with any of the other males, does not need to overcome his fear, shyness, etc., and the female herself runs to him, then what will happen?
Some of the males will simply scatter from such unexpected behavior. After all, he came to conquer, to hunt, and not to be hunted. But some considerable part will be insanely happy.
Yes, there is something to be happy about. This is such a "freebie", the man will think. (I repeat that these are not necessarily thoughts in the mind). You don't need to run after anyone, you don't need to fight with anyone, you don't need to overcome fear of women, try to do something, try to become better. Nothing of this is needed, everything jumps into your hands by itself. This is probably something like receiving a large and completely undeserved bonus at work.
However, a small "but" arises here. After all, a man has inherent innate instincts (for example, success) that must be fulfilled. If they are not fulfilled, then some kind of emptiness arises inside that cannot be filled with any comfort, no family happiness and no amount of money. One of these strong instincts is to achieve a woman yourself.
If instinct, mission, karma, or whatever you call it, are not fulfilled, then there are several options, but they are all reasonably good for a woman. The most common way to start a relationship is that a man, after several weeks (less often months) of sex with a woman, begins to look for another woman for himself. If a family has already been created, which is not so easy for enterprising women, then sometimes a man begins to commit adultery, drink, etc.
Therefore, taking the initiative in relationships with men is a rather gross mistake. At first, a woman may feel that the problem is being removed. There are more men, men are getting better (richer, more beautiful, more confident). But then a problem arises. None of these men can be brought to marriage. And it would be okay that such a man was alone. But if such one relationship, then the second and tenth, then it is very possible that this is the case.
Sometimes it happens that a woman still gets married, but then if the initiative behavior continues, then a second marriage follows, a third, or even one, then not very happy, to put it mildly.
For example, at one point a woman who has become in the habit of getting to know men herself and taking further initiative in relationships, read somewhere about the dangers of initiative in relationships with men. What's happening?
As you probably already guessed, the number of men can be reduced to zero. After all, initiative, good or bad, worked in a relationship. If you remove it, and do not put anything in its place, then the output will be zero. And yet there is nothing to deliver. After all, there are no other methods of meeting men in a woman's arsenal. Their development takes some time and effort. In the beginning, as with any other skill, it will turn out badly. Therefore, there is always a risk to return to "proven" methods of communication with men, including the manifestation of initiative.
To conclude my review of the initiative, I will answer a fairly frequent question that goes something like this: “I do not show initiative when communicating with a man, but he does not show it either. Goes around the bush. I see that a man likes me, but he just can't ask for a date (continue the relationship, etc.). "
Firstly, women are often mistaken in thinking that a man's passivity is caused by his shyness.
It is quite rare that the reason for the passivity of a man is precisely in shyness. This is possible if a man likes an unfamiliar woman on the street or somewhere in a store. But if a man knows a woman and at least occasionally communicates with her, then this is unlikely.
There can be a lot of reasons and it can be difficult to guess them in absentia. Maybe a man has a girlfriend, maybe he has no money and nowhere to lead the girl, maybe the girl is too critical, initiative, does not know how to listen, does not like the man enough, and there may still be quite a few reasons. Uncertainty in the list of reasons is one of the very last places. That is, if a woman thinks that a man likes her, but he does nothing, this does not mean at all that he does nothing out of embarrassment. Most likely the reason is different.
If the reason is different, and this happens very often, then the initiative on the part of the woman is doubly harmful.
Secondly, some women are difficult for a man to approach, and some are easy. Some are easy to ask out and some are difficult.
The same man, with the same degree of confidence / shyness, easily approaches and builds relationships with one woman and with great difficulty (if at all approaches) to another woman, while he cannot establish minimal contact with her.
In order for a man to come up, it is not even necessary for a woman to flirt with him, to be friendly, and even more so to show initiative in one way or another. Such examples, when a woman is absolutely indifferent to a particular man, and he runs after her, the sea.
The reason that a man can achieve a woman who does not pay attention to him is the ability to behave femininely.
Femininity in behavior is too broad a topic that I tried to cover in the book How to Fall in Love with a Man for Life and Marry Successfully, I recommend reading. But if in relation to the topic of our article, then a man should feel at least for some time and in some area stronger than a woman. If he feels this, then he can seek a woman despite the possibility of refusal, lack of coquetry, or even repeated refusal. After all, it is not at all so scary to receive a rejection from a person whom you perceive as weaker than yourself, right? And it's very scary to get rejected from a person whom you consider stronger than yourself, more influential, etc.
Therefore, if a woman knows or learns to behave femininely, which in the context of the question means weaker than a man in some matters, then a man simply cannot remain the same as he was. If he really likes a woman, then he will definitely take the initiative. He simply has no choice, such a law of human life.
I will bring the situation to the point of absurdity. Let's say there is a man who has absolutely no leadership qualities. In the company of men or women of his own age, he never becomes a leader. And now, due to circumstances, he remains among several 3-year-old children. Quite a little time will pass and he will almost inevitably become the "leader" among them. Why? Has this man become stronger? Of course not. The environment became weaker.
I, of course, do not propose to go to the point of absurdity and sink you to the state of a 3-year-old child. I have not even argued that men love weak women. Men love women who are a little weaker than him (seem weaker) and, most importantly, do not claim his mythical leadership. Accordingly, sometimes in a relationship with a man, becoming a little weaker, or at least being able to seem, is very useful.
And then where does the initiative come from men, I myself am surprised. (Unless, of course, for a woman this is not a one-time behavior against the background of 10 years of initiative).
In total, the initiative of a woman in a relationship with a man is a very gross mistake. The main danger of this error is that it is completely invisible. At first, it even seems that it is useful and men are getting more and they are better. This is absolutely not the case. Initiative will ruin any potentially good relationship. The woman's initiative spoils the men themselves. Learn to behave in such a way that the man takes the initiative and your relationship with him will be an order of magnitude better, especially in the long term.
Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.
Any man at least once in his life has heard the phrase “Why didn’t you call me?”, Which may be followed by something like “You completely forgot about me, you don’t think about me” or something similar. And I know for sure that the girl in this situation is not at all important for the real reason: the point is that she waited call, wanted attention, wanted to be necessary, wanted initiatives.
And it's useless to say that you thought about her literally every minute (which, in general, may be true), that the situation did not allow (but this is not always true - to find a minute for a phone call just to hear her voice, or you can still use SMS). In general, it is useless to make excuses - to say that he was embarrassed, that he did not want to strain her ... And you can offer a thousand more variations of excuses, oh, excuse me, answer options. Young woman waited, and only a man should wait, it just so happened. And you answer her: “Well, I'm calling now. Exactly I am calling you, not the other way around. And I don’t ask why you didn’t call yourself. ” And in response: “It doesn't matter! You scored on me for 2 hours / day / couple of days. You should have called - you’re a man! ” Sound familiar?
Personally, my position is this: a man in a relationship with a woman owes exactly as much as he promised. The word must be kept. He does the rest of his own free will. If you want to object, then change “man” to “woman” and make sure that this is a perfectly working scheme, which is used by the vast majority of people.
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Where did this man's debt come from? From what century? Is it not from the place where the ladies did not smoke at the entrance, where before the wedding, no, no, where they did not use "cool", "cute", "hang out", "puff" and so on in conversations, where they did not like pictures of friends of the opposite sex , where they did not drive to rest in Turkey, where they did nothing at all, because it was not accepted, because it was impossible? Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that the world has changed beyond recognition and that now you girls will never behave the way you would have behaved a couple of centuries ago? And aren't you girls who are so zealous for equality and proving that you can do anything? Don't you demand independence and freedom? Well, be free in your desires and possibilities! In practice!
Should a girl be weak? Depends on the man who is nearby or who is absent. In any case, this does not prevent you from making decisions yourself. Let it even be solutions of the level “I want to hear him and therefore I will call myself, and I will not sit and wait. I want this. ” Excuses like “What if he doesn’t want it, what if I’ll interfere with him” are not accepted for the same reasons as the same, only from the lips of men. If you want, do it! If you don’t want it, don’t do it! But at the same time, you should not blame others for what you yourself do or do not do. Don't be a hypocrite.
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Do you play games? Then be prepared for the fact that they will play with you, and according to the rules that will not be explained, and maybe without any rules at all. To the objections “so not fair”, I will answer: if you agree to participate in this, then it suits you, no matter what you say. It's like your boyfriend, who, deep down, your mom hates, who drinks, who goes to the bathhouse with friends, sends you from time to time, maybe even occasionally beat you gently and who last gave you flowers on your last birthday. But you never admit it to your girlfriends, because you are ashamed, because perhaps you deserve more and better, but you have what you have and live with it. And he also lives with it. And why? Afraid to be alone? Are you afraid to make mistakes? Afraid you won't find a better one? I do not understand what one can be afraid of so much that one does not find the strength to move forward or then admit to oneself that you have exactly what you deserve.
Unfortunately, girls in most cases are happy to take the initiative only when they do not like something: when we, men, do not live up to their expectations, when something is wrong. AND this initiative is expressed in endless claims and quarrels.
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Hey! Are you really incapable of a creative initiative that will surprise, that will give you a smile and unforgettable moments, which will allow everything to go on the positive track even faster?
Able! And you do it very well, as soon as you stop playing and start doing what you really want, and not what men do not always so willingly and almost always offer you at the wrong time.
The essence of everything is incredibly simple: no one can forbid you to manage the situation and influence your life, only inexplicable prejudices and imaginary debts. And in most cases, a man is initiative only because he sincerely wants the same thing that you do, and understands that without his activity he will never get it from you.
That is, you will never wait for this with him.
Try instead of "Why don't you ...?" say "Come on ...!"
Any girl is interested in the question of showing initiative: how permissible is it for a female when meeting an interesting man. What is the best way to do this so as not to seem frivolous to a man?
Regarding the manifestation of initiative by girls (women), we can say that this can be done, and in some cases it is even necessary. In addition, there is nothing reprehensible, indecent or unnatural in the fact that a woman approaches or calls a man first. However, since all men are different by nature, in some cases it is still preferable to leave this prerogative to the man.
Today, in the conditions of a modern liberated initiative on the part of women, there is a place to be. At the same time, they are not particularly notorious and not modest girls, which they just do not invent and as soon as they do not behave in order to achieve the desired goal. By the way, many are lucky, they succeed and end successfully. But what about the question of initiative for more modest girls? What framework should be limited to the initiative on the part of the girl? How will such a girl look in the eyes of a man who needs a normal and serious relationship, and not a one-day adventure.
It's no secret that men are conquerors. Nevertheless, it is often enough for men that it is important that the girl be able to take the initiative herself. This is a kind of game, intriguing and exciting thoughts and imagination. As a result, it can interest and make a man think about this very girl. Therefore, there is nothing wrong in showing that you like a person or taking the first step towards someone you like. And in most cases, this is even a necessary measure. For example, young people liked each other, but due to their shyness, none of them can show their interest. But after all, someone should be the first to come up and speak? Or the sympathy of both will be with them.
It also happens that a man for some reason (age difference, too different financial situation or social status, working relationship, etc.) does not even suggest a possible relationship with a particular woman. Women's initiative in this case will be more than appropriate. Or due to a busy schedule, employment, a lot of things, etc. the man simply did not think that he was next to a very interesting person.
However, another situation may arise in which excessive female activity can scare off the boyfriend, as a result of which he will lose interest in the woman, and all romance will disappear without a trace.
What danger are fraught with frank confessions or explicit onslaught?
There are many cases when a girl likes a young man, but for a long time she cannot do anything in relation to him. And then suddenly he decides to write to him and lay out, as the saying goes, "everything as if in the spirit", "they say, he will react if he is not indifferent to me," and then come what may. Most often this is typical for adolescence or very young girls. However, this kind of straightforward confessions most often does not lead to anything good, as a result of which the female sex will be disappointed and, as a result, depressed. But with a different approach, the male reaction could have a completely different color.
Why is this tactic in most cases losing?
For starters, this method can take a man by surprise. You give him such news in the forehead, and he does not even know how to react to it. What if his behavior will differ from your expectations? As a result, in most cases, the man retires.
In addition, any man is inherently a "hunter" and he likes to achieve and get hold of. If you frankly hint to him that you are not against his courtship, his interest in you will be at its best. If, however, frankly confess to him about his sympathy, frankly, he will immediately lose the desire to act. In addition, some men associate such behavior with inadequacy, indecency or importunity. Also, most adolescents or young men begin to "arrogant" from such actions and use it to strengthen their popularity. At the same time, the girl finds herself in the most ridiculous situation, when the guy at first reciprocates, and then, having "matrooted", leaves the girl who does not understand anything.
There may also be another situation when a young man once had sympathy for a girl, but has passed, or he is interested in this girl, but this interest is still in its infancy and needs to be developed, and this must be done gradually. Or they have a common company, group, office, etc., which prevents rapprochement. It may also be that interest in a girl may not arise, simply because she is not in his taste. There are different situations in life, so with a little flirting with a young man, you are not afraid of anything. Well, if you reveal your "secret" and do not receive reciprocity in return, you risk finding yourself in an uncomfortable situation, and furthermore, further communication will be problematic. That is why it will be more correct to first "test the waters", and only then take careful action.
What should precede proactive action?
Having decided to take any action with regard to the man you adore, you should first sort out your thoughts on this issue. That is, if for you the initiative on the part of a woman is something humiliating, supernatural, indecent and ridiculous, at the same time, if until this moment you have never taken the first steps and did not attract the man you are interested in, it is better to refuse this venture because there will be no perspective in your actions. During the manifestation of the initiative, you will feel squeezed, tense and unnatural, which, of course, will not escape the gaze of a man who will consider everything that happens to be absurd. If you sincerely believe that you can, that you can do it, you can safely proceed.
Therefore, if you do not have a feeling of one hundred percent readiness to take action to attract the man of your dreams, you need to work on yourself, set yourself up for action.
If you liked a stranger.
It's no secret that there are no identical men. Someone likes the initiative coming from the girl, and someone likes to take the initiative himself. At first glance, it is difficult to determine which category the man of interest belongs to. Therefore, it is best to start with the lighter steps. At first, by chance, you can look at him more closely, holding a glance a little. At the same time, you need to observe his reaction. When you meet again, you should also smile lightly, as if you were reacting to a familiar face. If the man you are interested in is your work colleague or you often intersect because you live in the same area, then somehow you just need to greet him first, as if this is your reaction to a familiar face. If you do not know where “your man” is and what he does, you need to think about the reason, on the basis of which you could turn to him for help.
If a man takes an interest in you as a woman and expresses it directly in any way, you should also show your sympathy. Even if it is just an interested look. And then you won't have to wait a long time for actions from a man.
If you want to win the attention of a familiar man.
In the case when you constantly communicate with the object of your desires, it is already easier. But here, too, careful actions are necessary so that in case of an unsuccessful outcome, you do not get into an awkward situation. As usual, we start small - flirting, with the help of which a man will understand that you are interesting to him and will begin to take the initiative himself. You should also watch his reaction. Maybe active actions will appear immediately, or maybe it will become clear to you that it is not worth wasting time here. Maybe he will also respond with flirting, then in the future it will be possible to be more open. But flirting should also be light, like hints, you should not push, it is better to play. Then there is a chance not to frighten off the man, and at the same time maintain interest in yourself. The most important thing for you is to let the man know that you are interested in communicating with him, that there is something in him that attracts you.
When interest woke up in a former fan.
There are also cases that a woman has an interest in a once vainly caring young man, which for some reason (age, appearance, character, etc.) did not exist at that time. What to do in this case? First, you need to let the person know about yourself, get in touch with him, come up with a reason for the meeting. For example, remember the old days of friendship or ask for help in some business, etc. After the first meeting and communication, you can take unobtrusive signs of attention, hinting that in addition to communication there is "something else." Meetings should be held in such a way that they provide for a continuation.
But do not flatter yourself, even if the former boyfriend is experiencing something for you, he will not show it to you right away, now he will be more careful, unrequited sympathy will make itself felt. He will also watch your emotions and actions. Therefore, one should not "impose" on a man so openly, this is not the best method for a woman. Your intentions for a man should be shown gradually, making it clear that this is not a game, and you are serious enough.
To show or not to show the initiative first is your business. The most important thing is that your initiative does not become a reason for a bad opinion of you.
Fortunately, there are such happy moments in life when the representatives of the beautiful half of humanity are greeted with men they like.
When a man they singled out from others begins to take steps to start more informal communication, it's wonderful. But what if this is not your case? If the man you like, although he exchanges meaningful glances with you, is limited only to formal phrases?
In this article I suggest you figure out once and for all how to deal with it.
On psychological forums, where questions are asked for free, the topic of unrequited love is often encountered. For example, one girl wrote that for many months she has been in love with a minibus driver, to whom she often gets on a flight, as she commutes to work at the same time.
She suffers from the fact that the feeling of happiness of mutual love looms somewhere in front of her nose, and you just need to stick at least its tip into it - and everything will work out for them. At the same time, judging by the way the young lady presented the facts, she still has nothing with this man, they do not even know each other and have never communicated. All she has is glances with him and her own guesses about what the minibus driver feels towards her.
From my point of view, in this situation, she still has nothing with this man. She just wants to think that this is a great true mutual love.
Perhaps everything in your life is not so neglected as in the described example, however, if all communication with the man you are interested in takes place only in a formal setting, then this is one of the variations on the same theme.
A reasonable question arises, why does a man not take the initiative to communicate in an informal setting with a girl he likes? Even if we are dealing with a situation where mutual sympathy is real and not illusory, then this can happen for many reasons:
- indecision of a young man;
- irrational attitudes, for example, on how a man should spend his free time;
- fear of failure, fear of rejection;
- lack of experience;
- past negative experiences;
- lack of self-confidence, for example, a man thinks that you may not like him (read: does not accept some of his qualities in himself), and then he runs away from communication in an informal setting so as not to disappoint you;
- and for many other reasons, what exactly - one can only guess.
There is no point in playing a game of “guess why the other is doing this”. It is much more constructive to think about what lies in your area of responsibility and what you can influence.
The first thing I suggest you think about is the presence or absence of harm caused to you by the man you like. Just do not consider the lack of attention to you harm - a person has the right to love and not love, to show sympathy and not to show. It is only about whether this person did something objectively bad to you? Usually in such situations - no. This is what it is worth starting from. Doing no harm is already a blessing, and this gives you reason to assume that he has decency.
This means that if you take the initiative and invite a man to communicate with you in an informal setting, he will at least try to answer you tactfully and, quite possibly, agree. After all, this does not oblige him to anything, and he has some sympathy for you.
I recommend taking this initiative only once. Although, of course, if you like a follower who prefers to rely on a woman, a man, then you can achieve him as much as your heart desires. Just understand what you are going for and what is the logical result of your actions.
So, to summarize - you should take the initiative once and show the man you like that you are ready to communicate in an informal setting.
Well, you say, and if I cannot do it because of self-doubt - what then?
And then you should first of all deal with your own feelings in relation to yourself. Now I will explain what it is about.
Recently, I began to write more articles aimed at working out those components of the psyche that determine the feeling of self-worth and self-love. This is explained by the fact that even in my articles I want to work not with symptoms, but with causes, and therefore I write articles such as.