Trusting relationships - how to establish them? Understand me! Or how to build trust in a foster family

- Do you want me to show you something? Just don't tell anyone. It's a secret.
- Let's.
-Look!
- Children's hands carefully clean off the layer of earth in a place known only to the Creator of the Secret, and the eyes of the Best Friend are presented with a treasure from a shiny wrapper, a beautiful pebble and a feather of some bird. All this splendor is covered with a glass dazzlingly sparkling in the sun. Best Friend freezes in mute admiration. I really want to touch this kind of beauty, and how I want it to be yours. But no, you can't, this is someone else's. The Secret is reverently buried, and BFF becomes the keeper of the MYSTERY.

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- Mom, do you want me to tell you a secret?
- A secret? The secret, probably, cannot be told.
- You can, only you are nobody, nobody, - and, pressing his lips to his mother's ear, the baby blurts out his, as a rule, simple secrets.

The first secrets and secrets appear in children somewhere at the age of 4-5 years. They are usually pretty harmless. Children are happy to share them with their parents, best friends, or those adults with whom they have sympathy.

The emergence of secrets speaks of the complication of the inner world of a growing person. If before the baby was all in full view, now he has some experiences, knowledge, things that he wants to protect or which are difficult to talk about.

If a preschooler can hardly restrain himself from telling all his secrets, then the younger student already usually understands that the secret is the secret, that it must be kept to himself. It doesn't matter if he is your own or someone else's. And adolescents who are trying to understand who they are, what they are and how to separate from their parents, are not only convinced that secrets must be kept, but also zealously defend their right to do so.

Adults often want to know as much as possible about their child. Secrets and secrets scare us: "What if there is something terrible, harmful, dangerous?! But I don't know, and, therefore, I cannot protect."

But what is to be done? On the one hand, it is important to respect the child's right to privacy, otherwise he will never learn to defend his boundaries, on the other, I want to be sure that the secrets that the child keeps are safe.

I think the key word here is "harmless". We do not need to know everything, everything about the child's personal life, otherwise, I'm afraid, neither he nor we simply will not have this personal life.
Sometimes it seems to parents that they need to master some especially cunning ways of talking with a child, special psychological techniques, or keep the child's life under vigilant control, so that in case of something they do not be the last one who learns something important.

Fortunately or unfortunately, everything is simpler and more complicated at the same time.

In order for you to be sure that the child will come to you in case of some trouble, you need a trusting relationship with him.

A trusting relationship is not when you know everything about the child. A trusting relationship is when a child is sure that no matter what he says or does, you will not stop loving and respecting him. You may be angry, surprised, confused, upset, frightened, disappointed, but you will still love him and come to his aid if needed.

What you do is more important to the child than what you say. No matter how much you say heartfelt phrases about how important his trust is to you, the child will better remember what, in fact, happened when he told you some unpleasant secret. Did the adult cope with his worries? Could you help your child cope with the experiences that torment him? Did you help me figure out the situation? Protected? Or added negative emotions with his reaction? Protected you from some kind of trouble, but made yourself feel like a complete insignificance?
Of course, adults are people too. We can become very frightened by what we hear, get angry or completely confused and feel helpless. This is fine, provided that we can recognize and name our experiences. “You know, all this is great unpleasant, and I still don’t understand what to do, I need to think or let's think together,” - much better than “You even thought about what you were doing. me... "

In addition to building trust, which is the foundation of the foundation, there are a few other things that are important.

1. Try not to be intimidated by the child's feelings. If a parent regularly panics or clutches at his heart, the child will think 10 times before telling something. Most children do not want to "kill" their adults at all.
2. Do not prevent your child from feeling and expressing their feelings in the correct way. "Why are you mad at me!"
3. Shame is one of the hardest emotions human beings can experience. If you understand that the child is already ashamed of his words or deeds, sympathize, tell how you yourself were in a similar situation. He will remember that even shameful things can be shared with you. You will help to cope with the shame and the situation.
4. Be the first to talk about difficult topics. Everything that you do not tell yourself, other people will tell the child. It is not a fact that their views, for example, on sex, alcohol, drugs, will coincide with you.
5. Be sensitive to the child's condition, note changes in his behavior. If the child is behaving in an unusual way, becoming more agitated, aggressive or depressed, it makes sense to say that you have noticed this and ask them to share what is happening to him.
6. Already starting from preschool age, you can talk with your child about the fact that secrets are pleasant and unpleasant or safe and dangerous. Nice (safe) secrets make you happier and happier, you want to keep them, as you keep a treasure. Unpleasant (dangerous) ones make you feel bad, strange, wrong, sad, scary, or ashamed of them. You want to keep them, just because you think that if you tell them, they will not want to communicate with you, or it will be very embarrassing, or some kind of misfortune will happen. These secrets should be shared with your parents or other trusted adults. No one, neither peers, nor adults, nor even family members has the right to demand that you keep unpleasant (dangerous secrets). Whatever it is, tell me. I will be able to understand you and come to your aid.
7. It is important for parents of teenagers to ensure that their child has trusted adults outside of the family circle. Of course, you should know them and be sure that they will not harm your child. It is easier for teenagers to talk about their secrets with outside trusted adults than with their parents.

Emotional development of a child is no less important than intellectual development. A child should not only have a good memory and be able to speak, read, but also understand the feelings of other people, be able to establish relationships with them, empathize. Trust in relationships with loved ones will help the baby develop these necessary skills, and parents will always be aware of the events in the child's life that are important to him.

If the parents do not pay too much attention to the child's feelings, do not rush to become his friend, the child's feelings "hide" and, thus, accumulate, being forced out of consciousness. Over time, the "remoteness" of parents can result in various psycho-emotional abnormalities in children: phobias, depression, aggression, anxiety, shyness, tearfulness, etc.

How to build trust between parents and children? We offer several recommendations.

1. The relationship between parents and children should be as open as possible: express your feelings directly and always be ready for dialogue with the child. To express your feeling, you must first of all be aware of it. Ask yourself the question: how am I feeling right now? Having answered this question mentally, inform the child about it with the so-called "I-statement": I feel that I am beginning to get irritated, angry, anxious, worried, or I am very glad, I am pleased, joyful, fun, etc. It is important to express everything feelings, regardless of their color - both positive and negative. If parents hide their true feelings and desires from the child, then he will not be able to learn to understand his emotions.

2. Encourage the child to express feelings: it is important that the child learns to express them not aggressively (with tantrums, throwing things around), but calmly, with the help of words. Boys, for example, are often told: men don't cry. Psychologists do not recommend using this educational template in relation to a child. Thanks to tears, children manage to throw out the energy clot of feelings that overwhelms the soul. Gradually teach your child to articulate their feelings, instead of "crying". First, we reflect the fact: "I see that you are crying." Secondly, we ask: “Why? How do you feel, explain in words, please. It will become easier for you, and I can certainly help you. "

3. Solve your psychological problems without making your child a hostage. Sometimes it is difficult to establish a close emotional connection with the child. The reason for this may be the immaturity of feelings and character, the imbalance of an adult. This situation is typical of those parents who did not have a trusting relationship with their own parents in childhood. In this case, it is better for adults to seek help from a psychologist, so that he professionally helps to find the main obstacle to child-parental trust.

4. Whatever information the child "brings" to you, try not to immediately evaluate, do not rush to criticize his oversights and mistakes. Let him know that you can be told everything and always, that you are a reliable friend who will regret, support, and prompt.

Trust is a child's initial attitude to the world. Trusting your parents means not being afraid to reveal your soul to mom and dad and be sure that any act or action will, if not approved, then supported by them.

L iteration

1. Alyamovskaya V.G., Petrova S.N. Prevention of psycho-emotional stress in preschool children. Ed. Scriptorium, 2002.
2. Volkov B.S., Volkova N.V. "Psychology of communication in childhood." SPb .: Peter, 2008.
3. Gippenreiter Yu.B. "Communicate with a child - how?" M., 1997.

Today, in our age of technology and rapid progress in science, children are becoming more and more distant from their parents.

They began to spend a lot of time on electronic games and communication on the Internet. In addition, on the Internet, you can find the answer to absolutely any question, for this reason children, especially adolescents, believe that their parents are behind the times, and do not understand anything in modern times. How to be? Is it possible to establish trusting relationships with children? In this article, you will find some practical advice on how to do this.

In addition, it will be easier for children to accept advice or limitation from you if you are also honest with them. For example, tell us that in your youth you faced a similar problem as your child, and that you are very sorry about what happened, and therefore want to protect him.

Problem number two with children is children do not understand why they are being punished, shout at them, or are not allowed to walk. Be sure to explain to your child the reason why he is being punished. Talk to him about the rules in the family, and say what punishment will follow if he breaks them. And be consistent, otherwise the child will understand that you can be manipulated.

The third problem is parents spend very little free time with their children, therefore they become strangers. Many parents will say that today is such a pace of life that there is simply no time. However, time must be found! For example, eating with your daughter, or washing the car with your son; go on vacation with your family, etc.

Believe me, you can restore trust with your children, only a little patience and participation in their lives is required from you. Try to follow the above tips and you will succeed!

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Love is sometimes hard to come by, among its fundamental principles - trust and security, which still need to be established. But if they are present in the relationship between parents and children, it will be much easier to cope with difficult situations. Trust, safety and love are interconnected, they can rightfully be attributed to the three components of a happy family life and a happy childhood for your children. The following are seven strategies for building trust with your child.

Strategy # 1: Practice What You Preach

Establishing a relationship of trust with your child is like leadership. If a leader does the right thing, people for whom he is a leading and influential person will follow him. If you tell a child that it is good for him to eat vegetables, but do not eat them yourself, then you are doing the "wrong thing" and giving his subconscious the wrong message. Be not only a formal, but also an informal leader: influence the baby with your actions, your qualities and the perception of you as a person whose words do not diverge from deeds. Build a bond between you and your child by practicing what you yourself preach.

Strategy # 2: Learn to Listen

Most adults do not develop good listening skills when interacting with their own children. It is not right. To gain your child's trust, you must always listen to what he or she has to say. Do not use critical and even more condemning statements and do not approach the discussion solely from your own position, which does not recognize a different opinion. Knowing that you are listening to him, your child will feel more comfortable, which means that he will talk about his life more openly and confidentially.

Strategy # 3: Tell the Truth

Telling your child the truth from the very beginning, from the first days of his life, will lead to the formation of a strong bond between you and, of course, trust will come with it. As much as possible, deal with your child or children in a very honest relationship; For example, if he (or she) asks if a doctor's injection would be painful, tell the truth, the words of which will be fully consistent with the age of your child. Of course, you need to take into account the age characteristics of your baby so that the truth does not turn out to be traumatic for him.

Strategy # 4: Promises Must Not Be Broken

Don't make promises to your kids that you can't keep. This can be quite difficult and problematic because situations can change. Try to do your best, however, as breaking promises can be devastating to your relationship with your child. If dad says he is going to watch a football game on the weekend (and cannot go for a walk), then he really will have to do only that, because if he does not do this, the next time he promises something, the children will really doubt whether dad says it seriously and whether it is possible to believe his words, after what happened. If you think that you will not be able to keep your promise, it is better to tell your child about it in advance and be sure to explain the reason.

If your child has done something bad and you threaten him that he will not watch TV for a week, consider if you can actually accomplish what you are talking about. Understand that the point is not even in the strength and adequacy of punishment, but in the fact that such situations are a good reason to keep your word and thereby strengthen your authority. Therefore, threats must be real and feasible. Surprisingly, it helps build trust with your child.

Strategy # 6: value honesty and sincerity

Let the children know that you appreciate being honest and sincere with you. This will create a truly trusting relationship between you and your child. In addition, you will help and contribute to the fact that your baby will grow up to be a whole person. As the saying goes, "Say what you think and think what you say." This matters in the context of sincerity and respect for your interlocutor.

Strategy # 7: Consistency

If you are actively promoting certain rules at home in your family, consider whether you follow them yourself. Talk to the children and tell them about your expectations. What you say should be as clear as daylight. No ambiguity and ambiguity, everything is simple and clear. In addition, make sure that the established rules are unchanged, that you do not change them with or without reason. Your children should never have doubts about you.

Friends, trust in the family is the basis of the foundations. But how to build a truly trusting relationship with your child:

• learn to trust the opinion of the baby;
• show him that he can count on your help and support in any situation;
• do not violate trust with a careless phrase;
• do not push the child away with forced severity;
• to be not just caring and loving parents, but also the first, most important friends of your son or daughter?

Let's figure it out together!

A newborn baby is entirely dependent on the decisions of mom and dad. But sometimes parents get so used to total care that they do not notice: the child is growing. It changes:

• gaining experience and knowledge;
• is formed as a person;
• acquires its own opinion, which (yes!) may not coincide with yours.

It is very important to separate situations when it is necessary to take advantage of and achieve obedience, and when you can listen to the child and allow him to act in his own way.

Tip 2. "I see you, I hear you, I try to understand you"

Preschool kids (by the way, and many schoolchildren too) do not yet know how to correctly identify their own experiences. And even more so, they do not know how to correctly inform you that they need your attention.

• They may suddenly become moody;
• can demonstratively show blatant disobedience;
• can call names, bite, fight and cheat.

But often, such destructive behavior hides desperate attempts to communicate something really important.

It is important to show your child that you notice him. It is important that he understands: you want to figure out what is happening to him, and are looking for ways to help him.

Parents who want to listen to their child do not always listen to him correctly. This is an art to be learned. When the baby has grown to the age at which he can build monologues based on his own thoughts and experiences, parents should grow up to listen to him without interrupting.

• Think about what you are broadcasting, interrupting your son or daughter:
• you are not interested in listening to the child;
• consider it possible to intervene in his story with your comments and assessments;
• you are convinced: only you know what is right, how it should be, what other people really think, want or mean.

The child will not be frank with you if his communication experience suggests: parents are always ready for moralizing and notation. No matter how difficult it may be for you at times to refrain from uninvited remarks, do it for the sake of a trusting relationship. And only after listening and comprehending what has been said, it will be possible to express your own attitude to the subject of the conversation.

You may not be able to do this right away, but by the time your child is adolescent, you need to master the art of listening perfectly. You have several years left. Learn!

It is difficult to say at what age children's opinions should have weight in family decisions. Therefore, it is best to accustom yourself to listen to a child from the most tender childhood:

• ask your one-year-old toddler what he wants to play;
• let your one and a half-year-old daughter choose her own hair band;
• let the two-year-old baby say what will please him for breakfast: cheesecakes or lazy dumplings.

Teach your child to make decisions, learn to take these decisions into account.

The older the child, the wider the range of topics in which his opinion has serious weight. Already at the age of 4-5, children can have the right to vote on the family council. This does not mean that this voice will always be decisive, but it means that it will be heard and considered as having the right to exist.

Don't be afraid to ask your child for help:

• "Please give me 20 minutes of silence so I can finish this job and play with you."
• “I need to mop the floors and dust. Come on, help me deal with the shelves so that I can spend less time on it. "
• “I was so tired when I brought these bags from the store. Help me unload and unload food. ”

Direct requests that make the child understand his importance are much more effective than veiled hints or harsh instructions. Helping, doing good, the baby gets the opportunity to feel kind and good, caring and needed. These positive experiences will strengthen his trust in you, reinforce the correct patterns of behavior in his mind, and help you become closer.

For a child to trust you, he must know that you are always responsible for your words.

• Have you agreed to go for a weekend walk to the park? The only thing that can get in the way is a storm that was playing out in earnest or, pah-pah-pah, a sudden illness.
• Have you warned that next time the toys that were not cleaned in time will go to the children who will take care of them? So, if this time has come, you need to overcome pity for the baby, collect toys and find new owners for them.

Fulfill promises of rewards and threats of punishment with equal rigor. Do not scare the child with punishment for the sake of obedience, but if you have already warned of the consequences, then be prepared to translate your threats into reality. Do not promise mountains of gold if you have doubts that it is within your power to fulfill the promise.

Be honest, keep your word so that the trust between you is not in a shaky position.

Tip 7. And if something has already happened that undermines confidence?

• Deception;
• theft;
• attempts to manipulate

Sometimes babies give their parents unpleasant surprises. What if you have good reasons not to trust your own child? First of all - to act calmly and purposefully, as befits an adult interested in well-being.

Talk to your family about what happened. Avoid an accusatory tone and do not indulge in long and lengthy moralizing. What has been done cannot be returned. But it is necessary to realize why this happened, what consequences it has and what to do with it now. Concentrate on finding a solution and choosing a strategy for further behavior. If there is a need to apply punishment, explain how and why it will be.

It is important to remain calm and show that you are upset with the child's behavior, but you continue to love him and want to overcome the problem together. Anyone can stumble, and the family is people who will give the stumbled a helping hand and support.

Let's summarize:

1. A relationship of trust with a child is not automatically applied to parenting. We need to work on them - thoughtfully and systematically.
2. Be truthful. It is not always convenient, but always necessary. The truth can be adapted to the age of the child. But you cannot replace it with a lie.
3. Do not be afraid to ask your child for help and be ready to help him, even if you are upset by his behavior, angry or offended.
4. Listen to what the baby is telling you. Learn to trust his opinion. Take his opinion for consideration in family councils.
5. Families can have tough times, but having a relationship of trust will help you overcome challenges. Everyone can blame - not everyone is able to offer a solution, a way out of the situation.
6. Be an example: keep your word. If a child cannot trust you - how can you demand frankness and honesty from him?
7. Small does not mean powerless. Let your child make decisions and have their own point of view. Respect him from the cradle so that he trusts you all his life.

Friends! We wish you a happy parenting!