How to determine who is in charge in the family. Who is in charge of the family: husband or wife. The golden rules of good housewives

03.04.2019

Good afternoon, my dear readers! Here we are talking about how to find the second, how to lead healthy image life, how to be, and so on. But many of these questions simply would not arise for us if we were completely harmonious and self-sufficient individuals... What is self-sufficiency and how does it affect our lives? Let's figure it out.

What kind of person is self-sufficient?

Let's start with a definition. Being self-sufficient means being in harmony with yourself and experiencing a sense of security, inner completeness and stability. If you look very superficially, self-sufficiency is similar to correct self-esteem, that is, assessing yourself as decent and worthy person... Still, self-sufficiency is a deeper, more fundamental sense of wholeness.

Its main features:

People with developed self-sufficiency are not too preoccupied with someone else's opinion of themselves. Resentment doesn't affect them that much because they have deep-seated feelings. dignity... Conversely, praise and censure does not affect them too much, so that they never become too revel in self-importance.
The self-sufficient person has a strong internal locus of control. That is, he (or she - depending on whether we are talking about a man or a woman; for convenience, I will use only the pronoun "he", meaning people of both sexes) has the opportunity - and the desire - to define his own way, make your own decisions. He believes his intuition and is ready to go his own way, even if it means going against the expectations of society, and because of this, face misunderstanding and ridicule.
A self-sufficient person does not need expensive things to confirm his status. If he buys some thing, it means that he needs this particular thing to satisfy his needs, and not in order to be "no worse than others."
A self-sufficient person likes to be alone with himself. He can be very sociable, and in general the soul of the company, but he loves loneliness no less. Remaining in silence, he does not rush to fill the resulting void with a TV or smartphone.

Egocentrism or Self-Sufficiency?

Some people become so self-sufficient and self-absorbed that they behave selfishly without considering the needs of others. Let me emphasize again that being self-sufficient does not mean acting cold and distant.

Research shows that people who suffer from are less likely to empathize and help others because they are too busy with their feelings. Self-sufficient people, on the contrary, are less concerned with anxieties and fears, they are able to communicate with other people, and are more likely to respond to their misfortune.

What factors determine the level of self-sufficiency?

Children's experience. Cruel treatment and psychological trauma v early childhood negatively affect on the development of self-sufficiency.

Observations show that older people are more self-sufficient than younger people. Young people a sense of identity is in the process of being formed, and therefore still very fragile. This is why they often join “ bad companies"Or follow fashion - this gives them a sense of community with others, and, accordingly, a sense of security, fullness.

How to become self-sufficient?

When we are self-sufficient, we are happy. In relationships, it reigns, because we can be equal partners with our loved one, and not experience unhealthy or codependency.

As a whole person, we serve to the child good example correct relationships with yourself and the world around you.

How to develop self-sufficiency in yourself?

The easiest way to start is with the business aspect. The minimum is to learn how to serve yourself on your own. That is, do not wait for someone to cook, wash, find a lost sock, call a plumber, choose a sofa model and a brand of shampoo for you. Ideally, fully financially support yourself.
Then you should learn to accept independent decisions... Yes, you can listen to the advice of others (requested and uninvited) and take them into account. But the final decision is still to be made independently, based on your interests, and not whether everyone around you will approve or disapprove of such an act, including Aunt Masha's poodle.
Avoid sick attachments. Even having in your arms nursing baby, one should not live only by him and his needs. And in relations between adults, this should not be at all.
Become interesting to yourself. The desire of someone to fill himself with another person or with a continuous stream of information using TV or social networks suggests that he is empty and boring himself. To become interesting to yourself and those around you, you need to constantly and continuously develop. Read, study, think, analyze, compare, compose, draw conclusions.

So, to be self-sufficient does not at all mean to be a hermit, a terry egoist or an insensitive blockhead. Vice versa. Even in the Gospel it was said: "Love your neighbor as yourself." That is, only by becoming whole and harmonious personality, we can find harmony with the world around us, give love and care to our loved ones, but at the same time not stifle them with excessive affection.

Be happy, develop and don't forget to subscribe to my blog updates! Share the article with your friends, they will be grateful to you!

D Hello, our dear visitors!

TO then the main one in the family? How is the Christian headship of a husband different from despotism? Biblical women. Their mission is to bear children and take care of their husband. V modern world the role of the woman has changed, and very often the woman is the head of the family. Why has the position of a man changed so much? Isn't this the Providence of God and Eve's forgiveness for the apple?

Archpriest Alexander Lebedev answers these questions:

“The answer to this question is simple and unambiguous: husband. No matter how we tried, it is impossible to understand otherwise the words of the Bible about this. The apostle Paul says: “I also want everyone to know that Christ is the head of every husband, and the husband is the head of the wife” (1 Cor. 11: 3), and further: “The wife is the glory of the husband, for the husband was not created for the wife, but the wife for the husband” (1 Cor. 11: 7-8).

Another thing is that headship can be perceived in different ways. You can put the opportunity to command in the first place - then the domination of the husband can result in despotism and tyranny. And you can take headship as a duty: the duty to take care, to think not only about yourself, but also about each family member, the duty to make decisions, the consequences of which will affect the closest people, the duty to maintain peace and well-being in the family, and so on, so on, so on. So we can say that headship is more of a burden, a burden, than an advantage.

The same apostle Paul has an amazing comparison. By the way, it explains how the Christian headship of a husband differs from despotism. The apostle compares the relationship between husband and wife with the relationship between Christ and the Church: “Wives, obey your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body. But as the Church obeys Christ, so also wives to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her ... ”(Eph. 5: 22-25).

What torments Christ went to for the sake of the Church (that is, for the sake of all of us - people who believe in Him), we know, but can a husband go for such a thing for his wife? I think that each of us (husbands) will think carefully and, in all honesty, say that he is far from sure of this. And how can you be sure if the experience of an intolerant attitude and family quarrels for various petty reasons. “The faithful in the little things is faithful in many respects, but the unfaithful in the little things is also unfaithful in many things” (Luke 16.10). If we cannot endure the usual everyday troubles from a wife, then there can be no question of giving our life for her. It turns out that the domination of the husband in the family is not a privilege, but rather a high moral task, the level to which you need to grow.

The conversation about the roles of men and women in the family can be lengthy. Indeed, there is something to talk about, but we will restrict ourselves to the most basic provisions. In the world created by God, there is not and cannot be equality. A bird can fly, but a person cannot, a fish swims in water, and a stone sinks, etc. This inequality is not at all humiliating, because a man is not worse than a bird, and a stone is a fish.

Similar inequality was created by God in the relationship between a man and a woman in the family. It is not in the least humiliating, it is just that everyone does their job, which cannot be passed on to another. Well, in fact, if the wife does not bear children, the husband will not do it. And here it does not matter what century is in the yard: the twentieth before or after the Nativity of Christ. Human nature remains unchanged.

If now we see many examples that a man refuses to be the head of the family or is simply not worthy of this title (drinks, beats, walks) and a woman has to shoulder a double burden, then this is not the work of God's providence. This is evidence of the sinfulness of our society. The fact that such situations are created is primarily to blame for the man. The head must make decisions and be responsible for the content of those decisions. Even if he shrugs off the responsibilities of the head of the family, this is also his decision, and he is responsible for it.

But that is not all. V recent times(and the further, the more) a woman herself forgets about her purpose: she is engaged in her appearance, career, social activities - anything but her family. This is already her sin, and the consequences of this sin are terrifying. Getting smaller large families... Where there! Even three children in a family are already a rarity. We are dying out, and the further, the more rapidly, And the reason for this is the refusal of women to give birth and raise children.

Summing up my reflections, I would say that in social relations the role of a woman, as the keeper of the hearth, I would not call punishment, and moving away from this state of affairs - Eve's forgiveness for the apple. "

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Mendelssohn's waltz sounded, the champagne ended, all the guests went home and the newly made husband and wife were left alone. But here's the trouble, calculating the money donated for the wedding, the spouses cannot decide where to put them: buy a fur coat for the winter or make an initial payment on a mortgage, because living with parents is not an option. A month has passed, and the spouses still cannot agree. Nobody gives in. And the parents say: "now you are a family, solve your problems yourself!" But the parents are right! Now they themselves decide what will be their life together. Who will decide where to invest money, and for whom will the last word in everyday matters. All this is up to the two of them to decide. To avoid conflicts in the first days of married life, you need to decide who will be the boss in the family?
Recently, social attitudes and family relations have changed somewhat, leveling women in rights with men. The very concept of “head of the family” has also changed. Let's still figure out what has changed and what remains the same.

How to determine who is in charge in the family

Only 100 years ago, this issue was not discussed. Now it depends on his decision how successful and long family life will be. From time immemorial, the head of the family has been a man. And here it is better to give preference to the husband, agreeing with social stereotypes. But, what about the fact that today, more and more often, the main thing in the family is the one who solves all problems, establishes a stable order of things and is responsible for the quiet existence of their own household members.

When a husband is head of seven, it means that there is patriarchy in the family.
When a woman is the head of the family, it means that the family is matriarchy.
So which model family relations correct?

What are the responsibilities of a husband and wife

How to constructively solve problems without pulling the blanket of the head of the family over yourself? To do this, you need to know the responsibilities of spouses that have developed from time immemorial, which cannot be changed no matter what century it is in the yard.

The family needs a clear distribution of responsibilities and roles. The woman believes that she has all the worries and difficulties. family life, underestimating the authority of a man and arguing that the wife is the main one in the family! The husband, quite often, claims the supremacy solely because he is a man and does not want to listen to a woman. Who is in charge of the family? How to determine?

A successful marriage is rare today. Every person dreams of a happy marriage, but not everyone knows how to achieve this. Happiness in marriage does not come by itself. We need to work on it. And more and more often, the issue of headship is on the way.

There cannot be two leaders in a family. There will always be someone who will make a decision and take responsibility. But giving in doesn't mean you're showing weakness. On the contrary, it is indicative of wisdom.

Spouses must agree - the main man in the family is a man or a woman, otherwise the blanket will constantly be pulled over themselves. Despite the fact that much in family life depends on a man, psychological climate in the house it is mainly the woman who determines.

The following mini-test will help you identify the leader in the family. Circle the corresponding letter or two (if you are mutual in this question) in next test... Calculate which is greater than "m" or "w". So you will find out who is more important in your family: husband or wife.

	Functions of the head of the family		Responsibilities family head
m / f	control and implementation of clear rules	m / f	*Making money* ... Who is the guarantor of the material well-being of his family. And also who is responsible for the safety and accumulation of family investments.
m / f	strategic and tactical allocation of costs	m / f	*Making important decisions* ... Who takes the initiative in making all the fundamentally important decisions.
m / f	solving difficult issues and responsibility for the consequences	m / f	*Security* ... Who is entrusted with full responsibility for each family member. Who eliminates intra-family conflicts.
m / f	forceful resolution of the problem	m / f	*Personal example* ... Who sets an example to follow by their behavior. Both spouses or just one?
m / f	representative functions	M =
M =		F =
F =		F =

A father is a model of masculinity for a son, and for a daughter a standard by which she will choose a life partner in the future.

The mother's behavior is a guarantee of the son's prosperous relationship with his wife in the future, and for the daughter the standard of raising her children.

Now remember your father and mother, and the parents of your companion. Is it so? Are you copying childhood patterns in your family.

What are the laws of distribution of constructive leadership in the family?

The relationship between men and women is influenced by certain laws that must be followed if they want to have a happy family.

Husband is the head of the family . Not formally, but in fact. He takes on the function of breadwinner and earner. And the more responsibilities he has, the better. When the father is the head of the family, he feels his responsibility - that he is irreplaceable, hope and support. As soon as a woman understands and agrees with the statement that a man is the head of the family, she will be able to build harmonious relationships. If the clear leader is the husband, then the role of the "gray cardinal" is given to the wife. She doesn't mind small things and quietly manages him when making important decisions, thereby not undermining his authority.

Wife head of family . Sometimes a woman seizes the place of a leader in the family, doing it ahead of time and openly. Earning on an equal footing with her husband or more, raising children and keeping an eye on the household, a woman tries to bypass and suppress her partner, taking over his area family responsibilities. Strong man, in turn, resists the onslaught. As a result, conflict situations, sometimes unsolvable. Once the wife is happy to give up leadership, she can be a woman and the husband can be a man.

Two leaders in the family . If both spouses are leaders by nature, how to determine who is in charge in the family? Husband or wife? Such a family disintegrates at the stage of formation. Any topic becomes a matter of controversy, acceptance simple solution- the cause of a serious conflict and long-term grievances, and a disagreement of opinions is a scandal. The way out is in compromise and concession.

Equality in the family - this is the fashionable trend of our time. But, a priori, this cannot be. There will always be a leader. Equality refers to a partnership in which responsibilities, abilities and skills are shared equally. Each member of the family is the master in his own area. When making joint decisions, spouses express their personal point of view to each other. Only one is responsible, while the other supports the decision. Respecting each other's rights, they are ready to come to the aid of their soul mate.

The attitude of psychologists to this issue

When is a woman in charge of the family? Then when she builds a relationship. When her wisdom manifests itself in the ability to influence the decisions of the husband: he is the head, she is the neck. The aphorism "A man and a dog are the owners in the yard, and a woman and a cat are in the house" main meaning... The mother is the head of the family - this is the inner climate, spiritual comfort.

When is a man in charge of a family? When a woman lets him do it.

Women are increasingly complaining that they cannot find a real man. But they simply cannot allow men to take the lead over them. After all modern woman She is used to deciding everything herself and cannot allow being commanded over her.

But sometimes our parents' script interferes with our lives. If in the husband's family the mother was responsible for everything, the children always went to their mother for help and did not decide anything on their own without her consent, then in his family, such a man would give his wife leadership without hesitation.

And here are the women from patriarchal families will not hesitate to agree with the leadership of the spouse.

What to do if a woman is used to deciding everything for herself all her life, she is used to being a captain, not an assistant. Very often, such women marry late, as they cannot find "the same Man". But the problem is not that there is no near worthy men, but in the fact that (as mentioned above) they simply cannot allow someone to dominate them. Psychologists believe that in this case, the woman should soften, begin to yield to the man and gradually delegate some leadership responsibilities to her partner. This is the only way she can feel a real woman... But do not be upset and think that now you are subordinate. It's time to turn on female wisdom remembering that a woman is "the neck that controls the head." If a woman remembers this more often and skillfully applies it, this will help to avoid numerous conflicts in family life. And the marriage will be long and happy. When passing the post of "head of the family", the spouse will be helped by practical recommendations:

Agree that the head of the family is a husband ... Take this as an axiom. To transfer not only responsibility, but also the right to make a decision. Show not in word, but in deed that you respect his opinion.
Stop getting annoyed and nag your spouse. He also has a head, and the ability to draw conclusions. You can suggest something, give several solutions to the problem, but what to choose, let him decide.
Particularly hardworking to cut back on their activities , or leave work. Trust in a man begins with this, and it is easier to transfer leadership to a husband. Unless, of course, it is necessary and does not significantly affect your family budget.
Have patience ... Him too male role given hard, like you women. A woman is also not an ideal hostess every day, so why do we require a man to be ideal.
Praising your husband for his strength and masculinity ... He will appreciate it and will carry his wife in his arms. The ability to praise your spouse in time, notice his achievements, strengthen his self-confidence and increase productivity.

The real head of the family is the two who managed to agree.

Psychologists advise, even at the stage romantic relationship understand and agree who is in future family will make the final decision and be responsible for it. Wedding tradition“Who will bite off more than a pie” is like the instruction of the ancestors that it is still important to decide on the head of the family hearth.

Today, young couples are increasingly getting married because: “All my friends are married and I want to, I'm not worse”, “I have to go,” “And what will others say”, “All younger brothers and my sisters are already married " etc. And they completely forget about how they will live in this marriage later.

All decisions do not have to be made by one person. Families often use the following correct phrases:

"So, you take care of the children, I am financial security" or
"Questions family budget you regulate: where to spend, how much to save, where to invest. you are more competent / competent "or
"I am engaged in hiring workers for repairs, I also control them, but you are engaged in planning and interior design, I trust your taste."

The main thing is that these phrases should not be the beginning of a conflict. It is important that both spouses come to a compromise, speak out all the responsibilities and agree. So that there is no such thing "my mother gave more money for the wedding, that means to me and decide where to spend it. "

A competent distribution of responsibilities will build a harmonious climate within the family. Delegation of responsibilities, in the adoption of certain issues, will save you from conflict situations.

A family - this is not a place to realize leadership ambitions, this is a place where all family members feel safe and secure, where everyone respects each other's opinions ... A family - this is the place where children come for advice in personal relationships in their mother, and for male support to their father .

The attitude of the church to this issue

Who should be in charge of the family? In Christianity, the answer is unambiguous and simple: husband.

The Christian headship of a husband is perceived as a duty to care, think about each member of the family, and maintain well-being and peace in the family.

The church takes the position that the wife obeys her husband, just like the church is to God. At the same time, the husband must also love his wife, and if necessary, then sacrifice for her sake, just as Christ sacrificed himself for the sake of faith. For the sake of the Church, Christ went to torment. Is the head of the family capable of doing this for the sake of his wife? Many men still need to grow to this level.

The position of the church is that there can be no equality in the family. The inequality that God created in the relationship between a man and a woman is not at all humiliating. No matter what century it is in the yard, but the obligation of a woman to bear children cannot be shifted to her husband.

The recipe for a harmonious life is very simple: love and respect each other.

Legal position of leadership in the family

Interestingly enough, how the law protects family foundations. V Russian legislation it is stipulated that property acquired during marriage is jointly acquired and both spouses have equal rights to it, regardless of who was sitting at home and taking care of the children, and who went to work every day by 8 am. That is, in order for the spouse to fulfill her main responsibilities - the birth of a child and his upbringing, the law protects her from possible controversial situations when the division of property is required. After all, she also cared about the well-being of the family, like her husband. She made sure that everyone was full and happy, and her husband, so that there was something to buy food.

In some cases, upon divorce, a woman is even entitled to alimony if she is for a period marriage relations was dependent on her husband.

Julia Vysotskaya about why the woman is in charge in the family.

The family is the unit of society. And the fact that a woman has to bear everything on herself, when her husband walks, drinks and is rowdy, it is only he who is to blame - the husband. And the fact that there is no harmony in the family, children are scattered around seven grandmothers, and when they grow up they cannot have normal relationship the mother is to blame for not fulfilling her direct duties.

This is a question of questions. It is unclassified that in modern society family breakdown has become commonplace. The family is sacred, at all times it was considered and is considered so. However, for last years it weakens. I see one of the reasons for this in the process of women's emancipation. The woman works, makes a living. Perhaps because of this, she no longer takes into account her husband. Maybe if a woman makes money, this is how it should be? But I don't think so.

2013-07-15 12:00:07

Prosto4elovek answers:

, The head of the family should be a father who will earn and support his family, it will not be decent if everything is the other way around, the mother will work to support family and father will sit at home and play at the computer. financial questions the father must decide, not the children and not the mother. Almost all responsibilities are included in the father, since he took this family, which means he must support it, take everyone on vacation, but they must all strive for some goal together. And the mother must , do everything around the house. besides electric, electricity should also be done by the father, since he is a man and he should understand this. So in my opinion, I believe that the main thing in the family should be, and he should also take care of his children who go to school, he must check diaries and go to parent-teacher meeting For example, mothers go to the parents' meeting for girls, and dads go to the boys. In the family, the main thing should be the man!

2013-07-15 12:23:02

EvgenijMarkovich answers:

, By all the rules, the head and support of the family is the husband and father. Men make money and women spend it. But this is a classic. Not everyone modern girl it's to your liking. And not every family has it that way. Now more and more families are found where the wife becomes a breadwinner, she has her own business or high paying job, at a time when the husband does an excellent job with the household and children. Everyone should perform the function that is more convenient for him and within his power. And in some families, like mine, for example, my husband earns money, helps around the house, takes care of his son - he helps me a lot, and I, a woman, decide global issues. What how to do it right, where to go to rest, how to spend free time how to make repairs, how to draw up documents. And full control difficult situations and problem solving. Always, before doing something and making a decision, I always consult with my husband, if he is against, I explain why this is the best way out. He agrees. Thus, it turns out that the head of the family - the HEAD - is me, and he thinks that he is. And nothing disturbs his male pride!

Who is the boss in the house?
How do you allocate your budget?
Who is responsible for what?
Who is the final decision? ...

And if for the spouses who have lived for some time these questions are not so relevant, then the young married couples are asked by them quite often. It so happens that the stereotypes established by the family and society interfere with the agreement ...

So let's talk today about how a young family can agree on the "headship"? What from the experience of ancestors is really worth taking into account, and what has long since lost its value?

The roles of men and women in relationships and family are blurred - in many ways this is the cause of conflicts and divorces.

On the one hand, a young couple has no experience of marriage and tries to bring the example that they have to their new family. Namely, the experience from the parental family. It seems to everyone that this is exactly how it is right, that it is necessary, because this is more familiar.

In fact, the conflict between young spouses is a conflict of ways of interaction established in parental families. Often, parents are also actively involved in this conflict, "controlling" the implementation of these rules.

Here, the solution for young spouses can only be a dialogue, a search for a compromise, what experience to take and what not to take into their married life... And, perhaps, using a third party - a family psychologist, because, being inside such a situation, it is often impossible to see true reason conflict: "it was like that in my family."

On the other hand, when asked "who is in charge" strong influence modern society itself also provides.

The role of the man is weakened. A man in most cases is brought up so that he becomes "weaker than himself." He does not have enough personal resources to fully fulfill the role of "head of the family", there is some infantilism, an inability to make decisions and bear responsibility in full, financially provide the family at the required level.

The role of the woman is strengthened. Girls are often brought up with the attitude - "if anything, you can handle it yourself, you can support your family and children, do not rely on your husband." In this sense, a woman becomes "stronger than herself."

Unconsciously begins to claim the main role in family. Lack of respect for and recognition of the spouse male qualities... Suppressed male ego spouse. Of course, a woman is not "comfortable" in this role - female nature emotional, accepting, wanting protection.

In this case, both sides suffer - both the man and the woman. This gives rise to internal and external conflicts in an attempt to prove not so much "who is in charge", but who is able to correctly fulfill his role.

The solution here can be mutual support and assistance in mastering their roles, development harmonious relationships... A relationship in which a man (husband) is responsible for material well-being family, making important decisions, family safety in outside world; a woman is responsible for creating an emotional atmosphere in which a man is able to develop these qualities, in which happy children grow up.

This is enough complex issue, requiring recognition of the situation, understanding, mutual desire to develop relationships and, possibly, professional help.

I agree that the topic is always topical and controversial.

In my opinion, a young couple should:

2. After that, it is worth expressing your attitude to the parental model - I would like the functions to be distributed in my family in the same way.

3. After a similar discussion of each parent example take what is valuable for a new family - something that is accepted by both partners - and create your own model of distribution of importance and management.

At the same time, it is very important that young people understand that such roles, family functions are built gradually, so if some option does not work or works partially, it will be possible to sit down again to discuss and find possible options changes!

In the modern world, the position "the head of the house is a man" is no longer considered relevant.

There are women who are many times stronger, more successful, earn many times more, so they are considered heads. But this does not happen in all families, but only where a strong woman dominates.

Why am I suggesting this? Because clarity of purpose will allow you to put everything in its place and calmly and comfortably distribute your roles in the family.

If behind this is the definition of the person who will speak the last word, decide, then this is in order to determine who has the last word in some important situations.

If it’s a matter of emotional self-affirmation, it’s a matter of emotional self-affirmation.

Just call everything by their proper names. To some, this may seem an oversimplification, but, in my opinion, it frees up living space for experiencing. more various events, that is, it frees up time, a place for this, which makes life wider, deeper, more colorful and more interesting.

And if for the spouses who have lived for some time these questions are not so relevant, then young married couples are asked by them quite often. It so happens that the stereotypes established by the family and society interfere with the agreement ...

Yes, more often this is a problem for young couples precisely because they still do not know themselves well, and therefore are guided by someone's opinions and stereotypes. In a sense, this is a natural process, and often in such conflicts they still recognize themselves and begin to understand what they really can and would like in the family, in what they reveal their the best sides and are really effective, and in what it is better to delegate to a partner. Well, someone is fighting for power all his life and does not see another option for existence.

What from the experience of ancestors is really worth taking into account, and what has long since lost its value?

For some reason, it is customary to think that the experience of the ancestors is somehow linear, unambiguous - all families were the same, there were the same rules around? This is not true. Even if it was customary to create the appearance that a man was the head of the family, there were always many families where a woman actually ruled everything, and in public they did desired view... And this expressed their personal balance between social patterns and their own experiences. And this was not necessarily realized. But in fact, people within their family often differed from what they demonstrated to others.

A person needs first of all own experience, and the experience of ancestors can only serve as a starting point, a model, seeing which one can feel - "mine" or "not mine"? And you still have to live YOUR life, not your ancestors. And if, for example, your character, psychotype, temperament, worldview, values allow you to realize yourself only in a certain role in the family - whatever the experience of your ancestors - you cannot be happy in someone else's role. No matter how correct it would seem to someone.

Who is the boss in the house?

Someone who is more willing to take responsibility for decisions and their consequences. Both are responsible for the family as a whole, but "superiority" often determines exactly this - the ability, taking into account all the arguments - both your own and your partner's - to say in the end - "let's do this." And be ready to deal with any consequences of decisions, to take a leading role in this, not an auxiliary one.

But this can only be an agreement between both partners. And the role of a leader should be claimed by someone who really has stronger nerves, more endurance, more self-confidence, a calm attitude towards mistakes, optimism, which allows not to fall into despair in case of failures. And the floor in this case secondary, the character and willingness of a person to take this particular role and to feel its consonance with his nature are important.

How do you allocate your budget?

According to the needs and their hierarchy. There are general expenses that must be agreed upon, there are personal ones that are worth discussing with your partner. But I think that whoever is the main source of income (even if it is one person), then both partners, nevertheless, have an equal right to participate in the formation of "budget policy". The leader in the family, of course, will have more influence on this process, but I think he has no right not to take into account the wishes of the partner, if we are talking about partner family where there is a relationship, and not just a contract for the performance of certain functions.

Who is responsible for what?

According to the agreements. And to do it better, based on the abilities of everyone. If one has an idiosyncrasy for pieces of paper, counting money, talking to authorities or going shopping, and the other has no problems with that, then what questions? If a man is good at cooking, and a woman is good at dealing with technology - why not? The woman wants to be responsible for household, she likes to do it, and the man wants to be in charge of the finances in the family and he likes his job - also great. Etc. Then there will be no problems, because it is always easier to be responsible for what you enjoy, for what you know how, or at least for what does not cause strong rejection and it is not difficult to do it for the family. If we “glue” a person some function, albeit “correct” in someone’s eyes, but not peculiar to himself, this will cause nothing but irresponsibility, alas.

Who is the final decision? ..

For those who are ready to carry this burden with all its consequences. Because you cannot, having said the last word, then try to complete the task with someone else's hands or shift the responsibility for the consequences onto someone else. And if such a decision on the distribution of roles in the family was made consciously, then there will be no escape from responsibility on the part of the leader, or criticism from the more led partner. Everyone knew what and why he was going, and everyone realizes the importance of the function of a partner in all this.

But for this you really need a deep knowledge of yourself, an understanding of what you are really capable of, what your character is, and what kind of partner you need in this regard.

In short:

Tango is danced together. If the family has "consent" (respect and desire to understand), then there is always an opportunity to solve problems, and not "sort things out" and assert itself at the expense of another.

And then it doesn't matter who is leading in making a decision, and who follows the receiver. Because the decision is made in the interests of both spouses.

It's too late for a young couple to agree on who's in charge. The main one is clearly already there. And it is important to be aware of this. Even if they agree on a certain hierarchy in the family, the "boss" will allow the game to be played. The main one is always in any couple and in any family. The task is to realize.

The question "who will be on top?" always worried the minds of people. However, they begin to deal with them seriously only when someone ceases to like to constantly be downstairs. Until that moment, they try to enjoy the relationship / endure / do their own thing. This happens in any context in my opinion. And there, you see, there is a crisis, and then this acute question already arises.

Therefore, for the spouses who have lived together for some time, this question may suddenly turn out to be even more urgent than for the newly united.

The solutions are quite widely known: a coup, a referendum, or stepwise process reforming. The consequences in each case will be different, so everyone is free to choose according to their taste. Unfortunately, in Western civilization (to which, in my opinion, we belong), there are no longer any traditions on this topic. Therefore, confusion and hesitation reigns on the topic of domination in families and in other groups - both in the process of resolving the issue and as a result. Which is good, in my opinion! I am for diversity individual approach and creativity. Therefore, I suggest being aware, inventing, discussing and experimenting.

The question of power in the family is a question who has the last word and who is responsible for the consequences... The most paradoxical option is when final decisions accepts one, but the other is to blame for all the troubles. This family model is unlikely to bring happiness.

And which one can? Equality? Often, in response to the question, who is the boss in your family, you can hear the answer that we have all the main ones (as an option, we make all decisions together). If the way it sounds and the way it actually happens is the same, then this is another sad version of how you can be unhappy together. Now I will explain with an example.

Conflicts can be avoided if both partners are smart about the issue. It is better for a woman not to undermine the authority of a man, not to put pressure on him and not tell him what and how he should do. Instead, you need to justify your opinion and lead the man to ensure that he makes a decision that is suitable for both. It is better for a man to concentrate not on the one who proposed the solution, but on best result ... Then there is no need to appoint one of the spouses in charge and fight for leadership. Both should make decisions and be responsible for them.

Who is in charge in the house is always a question of agreements between marriage partners, a question of their mutual respect and personal priorities. If a woman likes to lead, and she does it well, and a man has enough self-affirmation in society, so at home he agrees to be compliant and driven - then why not? Following traditional roles it is not always useful, because sometimes it imposes on spouses roles that are unusual for them.

Someone follows the traditional distribution of roles: the husband is the head, the wife is the neck. For some, on the contrary - the wife is the ruler and housekeeper, others build relationships on an equal footing. The main thing is that it suits both spouses and makes them happy.

What is the purpose of the distribution of roles in general? The fact is that the strength and stability of the family in the future will depend on the coincidence of the role expectations of the spouses and the role behavior of each. To prevent the development of conflicts, the spouses themselves must agree or determine by default who will manage different areas of the family's life: who will be responsible for material support families, who will take on the role of host / hostess, who is responsible for keeping in touch with relatives, and who is the organizer of the family subculture, and who will be the organizer of entertainment. And also who will do the better job family psychotherapist, will be responsible for caring for a sick, elderly family member or young children, who is the caregiver, as well as who of the spouses is the initiator of the activity in love relationship, that is love partner... In general, a husband can be a leader in some relationships and a wife in others.

The criterion for dividing household chores should be expediency. If the husband works more than his wife, then he can spend less energy on household chores, and vice versa.

The man has the primary responsibility for the general welfare of the family, because the woman is more attached to caring for the children and the home. But the one who does it best manages the family treasury. Often one of the spouses knows how to make money perfectly, and the second perfectly distributes all their total income, carries out planning and accounting of expenses, he uses funds rationally, his strong point is the organization of proper and economical food, home improvement, reasonable use of household items, clothing, shoes, etc.

Theme family life not amenable to correlation with any universal model... Everything here is not so much individual (no one argues with this - individually!), But rather regionally, I would say. The roles of my husband somewhere in London and in Astana (where I come from) are fundamentally different. Here, undoubtedly, the key point is the mentality of the region where the family lives.

Another point is globalization, which is trying to impose its visions on us, and which we have to reckon with. And what do we have as a result? A classic example from the life of a young Kazakh family: HE is working, SHE is a young mother sitting at home. Mutual claims to each other begin when SHE demands that HE help her with the household and the child. Whereas HE believes that HE is the breadwinner, in fact, and washing dishes is not a man's job. And she, under the influence of the heroines of Hollywood masterpieces of cinematography, insists on self-realization in her career and the separation of domestic obligations. And then there is the mother-in-law - a lover of gathering all the relatives known to her at her place, demands the participation of the daughter-in-law in organizing the holiday: first set the table, then take it all away. So it turns out porridge-malasha, like Lenin's: the upper classes do not want, and the lower classes cannot live in the old way.

What to do then?

It's very simple to build your own family role model. But in our case - to build it taking into account the mentality and its acceptability.

On the other hand, I have neighbors, well, just an ideal distribution family roles: he works, earns, and she quietly brings up three children, and everyone is happy! For this family classic model -reality.

So it turns out: what's for one myth then for another reality.

It seems to me that many myths have been created in relation to the family, which society diligently supports. And those couples who try to live the way their parents accepted, or according to social stereotypes, often fall into the trap, as if they are living someone else's life. In this case, they say: "So it is." Who is it? What for? Is this "turned on" for a particular couple?

If in parental family the golden rule was the vow of silence, because it is indecent, unacceptable to express one's opinion, the habit of being silent can pass into a new family. And then each of the young spouses acts on a whim, as necessary. AND family boat floats at random, without a rudder and sails. In this case, misunderstandings, resentments and disappointments accumulate.

In fact, the history of each family is unique. It is written by two people with different views, beliefs, characters, different baggage life experience... And here the most important thing is to be able to agree, adjust, find a reasonable compromise. And then what difference does it make who is in charge? Both spouses should be comfortable in the family. Otherwise, each other breaks down, because this is the way it should be, the husband is obliged, the wife is obliged, my parents did this, etc. The main thing is that both sides are ready for dialogue.

The question of leadership will not arise when the husband and wife can get along(harmony - harmony, peace, order colloquial) between themselves.

Lad(plural frets or masonry) - part of the construction of the row string instruments, which is a convex transverse strip on the neck that serves to change the tone of the sounding string. The name of the part is associated with the concept of fret as the most important harmonic characteristic in music .

As my many years of experience working with families show, the tone in addressing a partner decides everything, it really depends on the intonation of the spouses whether the family is okay or not.

If not debugged strings of relationships in the family, and there will be no harmony in it. Questions like: "Who is the boss in the house?" have long become a favorite topic for anecdotes and "bread" for satirists, as well as the issue of distribution of family material resources.

I wrote about the budget of a young family in one of the round tables, so I will focus on next side of the topic under discussion.

A generation raised by domineering fathers - this topic remains urgent problem, and the importance of psychotherapy in such cases is great.

Sometimes people think that relationship problems young age it is not worth considering deeply that these are the whims of childhood and immaturity, nagging and difficulties that will go. It is a myth. It's worth going further, looking for your own unique way, to look into the past to change the future, to work through what is missing for solidity, individuality, in order to come to an agreement.

Regardless of gender, none of the partners should take up so much space in the relationship, filling everything with themselves so as not to leave room for the other partner. When you are around, you should not feel threatened, deceived, or pressured by your partner. Such sensations may suggest hidden problems, to the solution of which it is very important to start immediately or plan in the very near future.

When you have a relaxed sense of trust, you can understand what the two of you are focusing on. What do feelings tend to when one of you is sad and the other is in joy, and not only out of curiosity. Emotional attunement is a full opportunity to be in real circumstances, to make real decisions. Invest all of yourself in the beginning of a business or event.

Without such skill, you will have to regret bitterly about the quality of life. Therefore, so much attention is paid to the messages from own emotions so that they do not remain an unresolved problem, stabbing fragments of a broken life.

From clean source attention begins to research what to start doing, what to be better at, what to learn. When discovering the undeveloped sides of the personality, there is always a choice: to turn away from them, glancing, as it were, furtively (I am in charge), or to begin to understand things in a new way. Will meet with something new, especially if you feel that people like you are in the minority.

Fortunately, we get an intuitive, and not only, understanding that change requires effort, we need help. We need a good psychologist. To feel how the value of conversations helps to move to another level in self-knowledge. And not to remain in the dark where the skills of satisfying natural needs are a priori necessary. New reactions, and previously stifling anger and despair, about who is in charge and who is right, will gradually but forever go away. And this is a chance to live a long, interesting life.