How easy it is to allow yourself to be offended: pout your lips, frown your eyebrows and silently gaze at your offender ... Think about whether you too often use offense as a weapon to achieve any goals? A psychologist will help you figure out what resentment is, why it occurs and how to deal with it.

My cat, being still very small and unintelligent, when he was offended by something, conveyed this information to family members by writing to the offender's shoes. Thus, we were sure to identify the culprit.

Then the thoughts began: what exactly is the fault? Analysis of the cat's behavior could take a long time, because he could not tell us directly about the reasons for the discontent.

In general, if the guesses turned out to be correct, the rest of the shoes were saved, and if not, then ... But this is a very sad story.

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Photo gallery: Female resentment against a man

Sometimes it seems to me that many people behave in the same way as offended cats. And those on whom they take offense are very similar to the owners, lost in conjectures and sticking tasty pieces to the cat in the hope of making amends for their incomprehensible guilt.

Why do people get offended at all? Why are women more prone to just such a reaction, and what does it lead to?

Let's look at some of the causes of resentment and find out how effective this behavior is.

Reason # 1: disappointed expectations

When you counted on something, but for some reason did not receive it, it's time to take offense.

Maybe the offender does not even know that you are applying for something, but this is not important, because the one who managed to be offended first is right.

For example, you are sitting in a restaurant, and your opponent is carefully examining the menu, or, even worse, talking to someone with enthusiasm.

You begin to be strenuously silent and make an offended face. Most likely, after a while, the offender will start asking:

What's the matter with you? Something happened?
- No, everything is fine, - you will answer, defiantly turning away from him.
- But I see something happened!
“Don’t you guess yourself?”
- Did I offend you in some way?

Hooray! The long-awaited attention has been received, you can proceed to showdown!

So, women love to be offended, because offense entails feelings of remorse and guilt in the offender. And in order to make amends, he, according to the script, must do something good.

The question arises - why not just ask for what you want? Easy to say!

What woman in her right mind would ask a man to love her more, take care of her more, in the end, pay attention to her, because she is bored when he speaks on the phone ?!

For example, Larisa always took offense at her young man with a certain frequency.

If the relationship became even and calm, melancholy rolled over Lara and with her fear - what if he suddenly stopped loving?

She always needed to control the relationship, and in situations where control was lost, Larisa began to act.

When an unsuspecting victim informed Larisa that she could not spend the evening with her because of work, she immediately took offense at him.

Each time the same story was repeated - she did not want to talk to him, turned off the phone, and if the unfortunate man still managed to find her, she said that she was very busy and stopped the conversation.

The guy sincerely could not understand what was happening. He began to feel guilty and sent Larisa flowers as a sign of reconciliation.

Having received flowers, a gift and humiliation of a fan in a set, the girl calmed down and forgave the "villain".

Once, during another offense, the young man behaved unconventionally. He did not call or seek meetings. Larissa got worried.

The girl suffered, but the thought of calling the guy herself seemed terrible to her: "If I call him, he will think that I really need it."

Interestingly, why meet with a person who is not needed? And if he also does not want to show that he needs her? This is not a relationship, but just a puppet theater!

In general, Larisa was not going to ask herself all these useful questions, but continued to be offended. As a result, the guy disappeared forever from her horizon, ceasing to sponsor and feed Larina resentment.

The reasons for such grievances lie not only in the desire to receive moral or material compensation.

In fact, Larisa is so self-centered that any distraction from his own person is already perceived as an insult .

It really doesn't occur to her how she can think of anything else. People cannot have problems and worries, except for her person!

I must say that some ladies manage to keep a man on the hook for a long time using a similar method of manipulation.

By the way, men with a hypertrophied sense of duty and guilt are caught on the hook. Often they receive such a bouquet as an inheritance from their mother, who behaved in a similar way.

Poor fellows simply do not understand that there may be some other relationship. It is easy to recognize such a “mommy”: if she needs something from her son, and he is busy with his own business, she immediately suffers from a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.

If he is on a date, then she will call her son several times an hour in order to find out how he is doing, and complain about poor health, not forgetting to add how bad she is alone.

Reason # 2: Inability to express feelings

This type of resentment is quite common. Think about it: if we directly ask a person for something, we are constructive, and if we try by all sorts of indirect ways to force a person to do something (moreover, often without really expressing our true desires), then we resort to manipulation .

And we do this because we are not confident in ourselves and are afraid to show our true feelings.

It was very difficult for Zoya to find a common language with her boyfriend's friends. She could not join any conversation, because she did not share their interests at all.

She generally wanted to be the only center of his attention, because life was easier for her. Do you think she ever spoke to him about it directly? Never! Why be so disgraced!

Instead, she, having discovered the first signs that Mikhail - that was the name of her young man - was enthusiastically involved in the conversation, began to pull and ask him for something. For example, buy her ice cream.

He did not want to be distracted and offered her to buy later or buy ice cream herself - especially since the tent is just a stone's throw away. Zoya, of course, was immediately offended by such rudeness.

After that, Mikhail stopped all conversations with friends and completely concentrated on sorting out relations with Zoya.

Instead of directly saying that she is uncomfortable with Misha's friends and asking him to help take part in the conversation, Zoya chose to draw the attention of her beloved with the help of resentment.

It is much easier to say “You don’t love me” and be offended than to explain what exactly you didn’t like in the behavior of your beloved, what kind of manifestations of love do you expect from him.

Reason # 3: low self-esteem

Frequent problem solving in the way of resentment may indicate low self-esteem.

A person - instead of asking about something - begins to think out and nurture an insult often from scratch.

For example, Asya is a plump girl, she has long ago hammered into her head that men like thin women.

Therefore, when her boyfriend Sasha pays attention to some slender passer-by, she is immediately offended.

All Sasha's assurances of eternal love have absolutely no effect on Asya. "You don't want to upset me, so you're lying!" she replies.

If you have low self-esteem, you, with the obsession of a maniac, will in any situation look for reasons to confirm it and, accordingly, for new insults.

It is very difficult to communicate with such people, because you never know what they might be offended at next time. ... Even a compliment can cause deep resentment in them.

Reason # 4: fear of being a black sheep

Fear of conflict, fear of being misunderstood also pushes a person to passively resolve issues of concern.

It is very easy to be offended: it does not require decisiveness and emotional maturity at all.

Such people carry grievances in themselves and accumulate over the years ... And if the right situation arises, all these "wealth" splash out in the form of a real hysteria.

Should you use resentment as a "weapon"?

Unfortunately, having received once a positive reinforcement of his grievance, a person begins to use it as his permanent weapon, and the relationship turns into a real manipulation.

Of course, it is very pleasant to receive what you want (for example, attention, confirmation of love, a new fur coat or a ring), but it is not at all pleasant when sincerity and trust leave the relationship. Frequent grievances indicate an inability to communicate with a partner.

If the resentment turns into a normal reaction of your body, then people often begin to lie to you or keep silent.

They do this because they are afraid of offending you. This is how distrust grows between people. And love dies in such an atmosphere.

Therefore, before taking offense, try to take the side of the other person and find out the reasons for his behavior.

Be specific - learn to explain to your partner what exactly upset you in his behavior - because in this way you give him the opportunity to change everything.

Resentment against a man, or are all men males?

May 15, 2017 - 4 comments

She helped him in a very difficult life situation, risking her own well-being. Loved. I sincerely wanted simple female happiness next to him. To be the only beloved devoted wife and caring mother of his children. But he turned out to be an ungrateful brute, going on a spree two weeks after the wedding. Isn't this a betrayal? Now she has not just a grudge against a man, but a huge disappointment for life.

The psychology of resentment against a man: how to overcome yourself and is it worth learning to forgive?

Such women are a real treasure for a normal man. Faithful, caring, clean hostesses, smart girls and needlewomen, and have a tasty meal, take care of your husband, and look after the children. Everything is in order with them, they don't even think about any partying with girlfriends and taverns.

It would seem, live and rejoice next to such a wife ... But no. After all, there are also such individuals who, even with an ideal woman, manage to run to the left.

“What is wrong after all? Why is this happening? - the faithful wives are perplexed. "Are all men really males?" Well, how to deal with such disrespect?

Resentment against a man: why is he doing this to me ?!

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains that in a couple, people with a skin vector in a special condition most often change. This is due to some of their innate properties. One of them is the desire for everything new. And only if this property is sufficiently realized in society, they can remain absolutely loyal to their wives. If the novelty and changes are not enough, then betrayal in marriage to a skin person can hardly be avoided.

In addition, the values ​​of skin people are completely different. Not family, loyalty, honesty, devotion, as in anal faithful wives, but benefit-benefit, career, success, material and social superiority. Therefore, male skin cheaters do not even know that they are hurting their wives with their actions. After all, they see this world through their system of values ​​and are sure that other people are the same as they are, and betrayal is just something “new” in their life.

You can learn more about the abilities of people with a skin vector at the free online training on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

How to get rid of feelings of resentment against a man

But what should a poor deceived woman do if a feeling of resentment against a man has already firmly settled in her heart?

So, we reveal all the mechanisms that provoke the appearance of such feelings as resentment, annoyance, irritation.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan knows everything from A to Z about this terribly difficult sensation. Already many people who got rid of touchiness have left their feedback:

“... After the lecture on the skin vector, I developed a clear understanding of the scenario of our relationship with my husband, I began to clearly see what my husband is capable of and what not, what can be expected from him and what should not be counted on. In front of me, a black marker drew an ugly picture of our future together with him. Already knowing how best to part with such people, I artificially created a situation in which he was forced to leave along with his things.

Parting for me was absolutely painless, without scandals and mutual reproaches. Until now, I am horrified by the thought that if I had not parted company with him, I probably would have gone mad or would have killed him. The attitude towards men has changed completely. I stopped seeing a wizard in a man who must fulfill my desires. Now I know how you can create your own happiness. And this gives crazy self-confidence in the future ... "

“… I came to the training just at the end of a relationship in which I had been for several years, which did not suit me, but which I could not end in any way, although I understood that there was no future here.

Now I realize for sure that it was a scenario, and I chose such a relationship ...

I started training, and we just stopped communicating ...

I suddenly found myself free ... I enjoyed a different life, in which completely different goals appeared ... "

“… A year has already passed since I left my husband. We have established friendly communication. On weekends, he often takes his son to his place. It helps both me and my son financially, I don’t even ask about it. Sometimes he even gives me gifts. And I often joke: "If I had known earlier that it is so nice to be divorced with you, I would have done it many earlier." Of course, the reader of my revelations may think that I was just lucky or that time cured me, or there was no love, etc. But anyone who has experienced domestic violence understands that the ending of my story is just a miracle. And this miracle is available to everyone ... "

Firstly, resentment does not arise in everyone, but only in people with certain properties of the psyche. By nature, such people are the best professionals in their field, the best husbands, wives, fathers and mothers, and they also have a heightened sense of justice. Constant grievances against a man (and not only men) arise when, from their point of view, the balance of justice is disturbed.

The feeling of resentment and injustice towards you causes severe discomfort, and the offended person subconsciously tries to get rid of this state. Usually, women develop anger, various negative emotions, irritation, and aggression. They begin to reproach the man, criticize, call to conscience and even hatch plans for revenge in the process of washing dishes or cleaning the house.

The psychology of overcoming resentment

But despite the fact that many of us have a natural predisposition to experience feelings of deprivation, resentment and guilt, it is still highly desirable to get rid of it, because:

1. Resentment prevents us from going forward in life and gaining new good experiences.
2. We cease to feel gratitude and we begin to take any positive receipt for granted as compensation for what we were not given at some time.
3. Very often resentment begins to be expressed in psychosomatics with various diseases.

But how to learn to trust men again if there was already a bitter experience?

A sense of humor here, of course, will not help, but an explanation of where the legs grow from the looping and constant memories of previous relationships will dot the “i's”.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains that excellent memory is another wonderful gift for people with an anal vector. When a person uses his memory for its intended purpose in his life, for example, at work, holds a lot of information in his head and then transmits it, then in general he does not experience any discomfort associated with this, and even, on the contrary, is satisfied and successful in his field.

But when there is no such realization for memory, then there is a fixation of certain events in life for a long time, more often until the end of life.

Thus, permanent memories of previous, long-ended relationships can appear. They can be intrusive and very painful, especially if this was the first bad experience in a person's life with an anal vector.

In such a state of resentment, regret, attachment to bad experiences, a woman sees all the men around her as potential villains - "like a former." Needless to say, what can this attitude towards men lead to?

What does resentment mean to you? The most common answers are:

• Inflicted mental pain, which is very difficult to forget.
• Disappointment from unfulfilled expectations.
• Unwillingness to communicate with a person

Actually, resentment- this is the feeling that a person has when he believes that he is being treated not fair... It occurs when the other person does not behave the way we expect them to. In women in relation to a man, this is associated with the expectation of love, care, support.

Some people quickly forget the resentment; for others, it can last for years. It depends on the person. The more awareness of why the resentment arises, the faster it passes.

The origins of our grievances

In fact, resentment is a consequence, and the reason lies much deeper - in your subconscious, which was formed in childhood (from birth to 6 years). Each person has their own negative programs, and the grievances are always different. One painfully perceives when they speak behind his back, while for the other he simply does not pay attention to it. Someone perceives rudeness in public transport as a personal insult, while others will simply laugh at this situation. It all depends on what negative programs you have formed from childhood, to what they react.

The same thing happens in the relationship between men and women. Some women are satisfied that their beloved does not speak, others perceive this as ignorance in their address. Men sometimes need to be silent, reflect on their own. And if a woman does not understand the psychology of a man + she has a negative subconscious program in this regard, then this situation ends scandal(albeit not immediately, but over time, the woman will throw everything out).

This is how our subconscious works. He has no good or bad. There is only life experience, on the basis of which these programs are formed. And the behavior, thinking, actions of a person depend on what subconscious programs he has formed.

There are tricks in psychology for changing these programs. When you realize that fears and resentments are destroying your relationships and health, you can purposefully change negative subconscious programs to positive ones. But for this you need to work on yourself, nothing will change by itself.

1. Realize the resentment.
2. Accept that you have certain fears, resentments. Tell yourself "Yes, I have it."
3. Let go of the resentment.

Resentment interferes with life, it destroys a person from the inside. It often happens that, because of resentment, a woman cannot build a relationship. She meets with one man, suddenly their relationship collapses, the same scenario occurs in a relationship with a second and a third man. If a woman realizes the cause of the resentment (in negative subconscious programs), she can change everything.

Resentment and manipulation

Women, especially at the beginning of a relationship, love to manipulate a man through resentment. "I am offended at you, I will not do it ...", "I am offended at you because you promised and did not do it."

Those. the gist of this method: if you do not behave the way I want, I will be offended by you... At first it may work, but sooner or later the man will get tired of all this and he will leave.

Men appreciate light women who easily let go of grievances, are not boring (there are women who will remember their grievances in a year, and in 10 years: “Do you remember, I was offended at you 3 years ago for this and that ? ")

Living with resentment means ruining your relationship.

Behind every hurt lies a fear that needs to be transformed into love.

Try to reflect on who you are offended, and how long this offense lasts.

Mental pain, suffering from resentment, shame, anger, jealousy, fear, stress, unwillingness to live - all these negative emotions give offense. But all of these suffering is the fruit of your own negative thinking.

How to overcome resentment?

There is only one way to get away from resentment - you need it realize(they didn't hurt me, but I myself feel hurt). Those. you need to take responsibility for your feelings.

Practice: try to find the source of your grievances

Remember how your offense arose: why were you offended, what emotions did you experience, what sensations were in your body? Look at yourself from the outside.

Now remember how you took offense at someone a month ago. Why are you offended?

Now remember who and for what you were offended last year? What did people do, why did you take offense at them.

Rewind back again. You are 10 years old. What grudges at this age give you pain and suffering? Who are these grievances against: parents, friends, etc.

Rewind back in memory. You are 6 years old. Who insults you, why do you take offense at people. Do not forget to look at this picture in memory from the outside, as an outside observer.

Now remember the first time you felt hurt. You will be able to remember because it was a powerful emotion for you. Who caused this feeling? Remember everything to the smallest detail (who the grudge is, the season, the setting, the clothes, what was around, what emotions you felt then).

Now mentally go back to the present... How do you feel now that you remember your first offense? People from memories are the sources of your grievances. It was during childhood that a negative subconscious program was formed. And over the years it only got stronger.

Forgive and let go Is your life lesson. If you do not let go of the offense, thereby you yourself cause suffering.

How often do women like to accumulate grievances against men, and men, in turn, absolutely do not understand why they were offended? But girls really perceive little things more painfully and sharper than men. It's just that women are so arranged and nothing can be done about it: they are more jealous, picky and more curious than men, but this is not a minus, but rather their feature.

Many couples lack romance in permanent long-term relationships, and if men take this for granted, then women cannot accept coldness in relationships, they need passion, tenderness, and even scandals sometimes. Quite a trivial situation: a woman returns home from work and wants to unwind after a hard day with her beloved in the movies, and her beloved is sitting at the computer, playing an online game and is not going to go anywhere.

The woman begins to wind herself up, feels unnecessary and as a result sulks at the man all evening, and then she will remember it for a very long time. And the next time a man asks her about something, she will either do it with a sour expression on her face, or refuse altogether, motivating this by the fact that he is not doing anything either. To some extent, she will be right, but after all, a man may not understand why the woman was actually offended.

One of the most important things in a relationship is not to hold on to resentment, just think how much energy and emotion you are wasting on resentment. You should be more tolerant of your partner, because if he does not do the way you want, it does not mean that he does not love and appreciate you. It is also important to give personal space to each other, otherwise at some point, feelings will simply become a heavy duty. This works almost always flawlessly, it is worth giving your partner more time for himself, allowing him to have small secrets and he himself will want to devote more time to you and tell everything, and if you control his every step, he will only move away.

Value individuality

The value of love is that the other person accepts us for who we really are, with all the complexes and shortcomings. And when a partner tries to remake a loved one for himself, it doesn't end well.

For example, a woman who loved secular evenings and intellectual conversations in the company of friends believed that her partner should always be with her, so she invited him to all kinds of events. For the time being, the man dragged around with her in the evenings, but at the same time he walked there with such a depressing expression on his face that neither he nor the woman was in a good mood. And once, sitting in her secular company, a loved one began to carry vulgar jokes and generally behave inappropriately for this society, the woman quietly told him that she was ashamed of his behavior. The man remained silent, but he held a grudge and never went to her events with her again.

Women are very offended when a man does not share some of her hobbies, but isn't it easier to just let your partner go about their business, and at this time do what interests you? Of course, you can force a man to stick to his skirt all the time, but for how long? And in general, any person, no matter a man or a woman, wants his partner to support him under any circumstances. And if you constantly blush for your man, or think that if he does not support your interests, then he is an absolutely useless creature, think about whether it is worth continuing such a relationship at all. Indeed, at a certain moment, a man can leave himself, tired of constant claims.

Debriefing

It is in the blood of women to delve into relationships and look for flaws in them.“Why did he do this and not otherwise, why did he look at me like that, he doesn't love me, how insensitive he is ...” And so on to infinity, while they expect the same from men. But when they say the insidious phrase "we need to talk" in a man, for some reason she does not cause much enthusiasm, and this offends the woman even more.

It is worthwhile to understand that men do not have to dig in relationships in the first place, and not even in the second, and not in the fifth, they are simply arranged differently. Only a girl can do a report at work, think about what to cook for dinner and at the same time engage in relationship analysis. A man, on the other hand, cannot perform so many actions at once, and therefore, due to the multitude of tasks assigned to him, debriefing in relationships is moved out of his field of vision. But not only because of this, there is a misunderstanding and female grievances, girls simply cannot clearly articulate what they want to convey to a man. For example, instead of clearly and clearly saying that she lacks warm and affectionate words addressed to her, the girl is resentfully silent and shows her displeasure with her whole appearance.

Men are not clairvoyants, so it will be much easier to say openly if you are not satisfied with something. Resentment is to some extent shifting the search for a way out of the situation to another person and it does not carry anything useful in itself. It will be much more constructive to sit down together and talk, only in this way the partner will be able to understand what is the reason for your resentment.

He is not on purpose

Another major female mistake is to think that a partner behaves this way only with her, because he does not respect, love, appreciate, or punish for something. For example, going to a party with friends, a woman may be offended by the fact that for the whole evening her beloved has never called her and has not written a single text, so he does not care where I am and what I do, she decides. But the girl could not even imagine that her beloved did not call simply because he did not want to look intrusive, or did not want to distract her from the holiday.

Women often tend to think that their partner is deliberately offending them, but this is not so, unless, of course, there was a series of your incomprehensible actions in relation to him. And if your ex called you several times a day, it does not mean at all that your current one will also do this, all men are different and there is nothing surprising here. In the same way, one man can load you with sweets, flowers, constantly say affectionate words, while another will delight you with gifts only on holidays and is generally not a lover of veal tenderness, but this does not mean that he does not care about you.

In most cases, if a woman thinks that her partner is deliberately hurting her, then most likely she has come across a very rare type of psychological tormentor, or these problems are far-fetched and she just needs to eat and talk to a man.

Especially for Lucky-Girl.ru- Natella