Funny stories. Shameful stories. Sex, which is ashamed to remember: real stories

We present a second selection of funny and sometimes very shameful cases from real life (the authors' spelling is preserved) :)

For about eight years I thought that people first grow milk teeth, then molars, and after molars, golden teeth grow.

I recently went to the village to visit relatives. In their yard, part of the territory has been allocated specifically for chickens. I wanted to feel like a real rooster. After tackling, I went behind the fence and with a proud gait began to pace and carry all sorts of nonsense. Chickens shied away and tried to bypass me. Of course, not everyone will be able to remain calm at the sight of such a male. Then I got lost and I started clucking and jumping all over the courtyard. Surprised chickens did not know where to go. Then I chose one rooster as a sacrifice and decided that I would only pursue him. When the goal was deadlocked, I decided to act. But he did not give up - he tried to fly over the fence, but to no avail ... He caught his finger on a hole in the fence and got stuck. I tried to flap my wings and fly, but then I became disillusioned with life and desperately hung on the fence. I felt sorry for him, I went to help him. And this infection pecked me and again began to flap its wings. He managed to free himself. It’s a shame, because they didn’t do anything bad to me ...

When I drop the chewing gum on the floor, I put it in my pocket, and then I give it to those who ask me for chewing gum.

I'm on my way home from work on the subway. and see a great picture.
A guy comes in, who looks like 23-25 ​​years old.
With a beard, heavy boots, a leather jacket all in stripes of rock bands and Tsoi's embroidery and the inscription "KINO" on the entire back. He puts on headphones and stands still.
After a couple of stations, a couple of guys aged 14-15 come in, stand next to him and giggle. Well, I sit and understand that they are laughing at the guy, and he has his back to them.
As a result, one of them comes up to him, touches him on the shoulder, the guy turns, takes off his headphones.
And then the little one with a nasty smile ala trollfacce gives him: "Tsoy ha ** o"!
In the same second, without speaking, a hefty fist flies in and breaks his nose. The petty screams, blood gushes, the car is in a panic. The grandmas start trying to grab the guy, I laugh, the second schoolboy hid in a corner in horror.
As a result, the train stops, the guy calmly puts on his headphones and silently leaves the car, while the children of Khovansky sit, roar and convulsively wipe a mixture of blood, snot and tears from the victim's face.
At the next station, I got out and did not see what happened to them next.
So it goes.

I remember, when I was 18 (now 23), I worked in M-video as a sales assistant.
And so, I was driving in a minibus to this store, and when it came time to ask the driver to stop at the stop I needed, I said loudly to the whole salon:
- Good afternoon, are you looking for something specific? Ask, do not hesitate, I will orientate, I will prompt!
When I realized what had happened, I was ready to burn out with shame. All people looked at me like I was a fool and even with a kind of wary contempt, as if I had just bitten off a bat's head.
So that's it. I had a lot of such stories, I often said something inappropriately, as I am rather absent-minded and inattentive.

It was a few years ago when I was a student. Like everyone, probably, there was not enough money for food, but my friend's father just brought a whole KAMAZ potatoes to the fair for sale. We decided to take advantage of the situation and took from him a whole packet of potatoes for food. But what are potatoes without meat? And then we decided at the same fair to get at least some piece of meat. Seeing a butcher's shop, we went straight to it. They agreed then: my friend distracts the seller, and I carry any piece of meat. And everything seemed to go according to plan. I take the healthiest piece of meat without any palette and dump it from there, my friend, seeing that the job was done, was following me and then he decided that potatoes would not be enough for such a kusman and rushed back to the baht for the addition of potatoes. And at this moment I see how that terrible saleswoman runs to him and yells something like: Stop, cattle, return the meat !!! She reaches him and sees that he has no meat, turns around, and her gaze falls on me (standing in the center of the fair, among a heap of people, with a healthy piece of meat) reaches me at the speed of light while screaming something like: thief, stole meat, paddle, keep it, etc. It takes that very meat from my hands and begins to beat me on the head with it without stopping: Herod, thief, police !!! Everyone around them laughs, looks, points a finger, my friend and father also sit and laugh, and they beat me on the head with a healthy piece of meat. Even a cop passing by laughed and walked on. Since then I have not been stealing anything.

Earlier he laughed at Gena Bukin because he earns little, but now he has grown up and something is not funny to me.

When I was 5 years old, my dad took me hunting. Here we are, suddenly a huge fat boar runs out of the bushes and rushes straight at us. I am in a panic. But Dad is not there to shoot, took out a cigarette and started smoking, damn it, smoking! When the boar was 2 meters away from us, my father finally shot at wild boar and he fell a meter from my leg. Dad calmly said, "Daughter, while I am alive, do not be afraid of anyone." Since then, I have not been afraid of anyone.
Only his father.

I'm on the bus, a girl is sitting and talking on the phone. The conversation was like this: No, you’re the first, hihi no, let’s hang up the phone first .. In general, she spoke like that until her phone started ringing, she immediately blushed and got off at the first stop.

You can send your stories to us through the form. We will definitely publish the best of them!

Sometimes people overestimate their capabilities and end up in ridiculous situations. So the heroes of our article found themselves in curious situations with their own shameful stuck.

The man who had to be rescued from a highchair at McDonald's

An unidentified man in Cork, Ireland walked into a McDonald's and, for some reason, sat on a high chair designed for babies and toddlers. When he could not get up from it, the police were called. They managed to free the man from the highchair and no charges were brought against him.
However, a witness to the incident, who said alcohol was involved in the situation, took this photo, which was widely disseminated on the Internet. A McDonald's spokesman said anyone using highchairs in their fast food chain should be supervised by an adult.

Man stuck in a toilet in Claremont

An unidentified man was rescued from a toilet in Claremont, Cape Town in May 2013. The man was somehow stuck in a mobile toilet at a construction site. He was stuck in such a way that only his legs, arms and head were sticking out of the hole in the toilet. According to Baydu Adams, a Cape Town blogger who witnessed this strange situation unfold, passersby heard someone screaming in panic in the closet.
After the man was found, it took 40 minutes for the guards, police and some passers-by to help him to find a way to get him out. “The funny thing was, while two or three people tried to help, others were taking pictures and filming videos,” says Beidu.
Beidu says some people in the crowd noticed that the man's eyes were red and he looked stoned. "He couldn't be homeless," adds Baidu, "because he had an iPhone or iPod with him."

A student who needs help from firefighters after getting his head stuck in a chair

In 2005, the head of Jimmy Skufka, a fourth grade elementary school student in Turtleville, got stuck in a chair while he “pretended to be Anakin Skywalker, who was trying to fight Boba Fett) ".
Skafka apparently stuck his head through the back of a chair and carried the chair around as a shield, swinging the chair legs wildly like a set of lightsabers. When he reached the end of the reading room, Skafka found himself hopelessly stuck in a chair. Turtleville Emergency Squad firefighters were called in to free the boy, who was severely shaken but not injured, bringing bolt cutters and hacksaws with them.

Burglar stuck in a ventilation shaft

In 2007, a man who tried to rob a pharmacy called for help after being stuck in an air shaft for 10 hours. It took firefighters an hour and a half to free 25-year-old Jeffery Mumani from a metal ventilation shaft at a CVS pharmacy.
On Monday night, Mumani removed the cover of the ventilation shaft and tried to enter the store through it, but was trapped. The man started calling for help at about 8 am the next day. Mumani received only minor cuts and was in stable condition. Among other charges, he was charged with attempted burglary.

The prisoner who got stuck in the wall during the escape attempt

The Brazilian prisoner's attempt to escape from prison ended in humiliating and amusing failure when the stocky criminal was stuck halfway through. The amused guards took the photo after they found the burly prisoner stuck in a hole he had made to escape.
Using a metal pipe torn from a shower, a prisoner and an accomplice punched a hole in the concrete wall of a prison in the Brazilian state of Goias. After his thinner accomplice crawled through the hole and escaped, our pot-bellied hero made his dash for freedom. Unfortunately for him, despite the desperate efforts of his comrades trapped in the cell behind him, he was stuck tightly. The guards called firefighters, who used a sledgehammer to free the unnamed prisoner.

The teenager who got stuck in the chimney

Isn't this Santa Claus going down the chimney? No, actually this is a 17-year-old guy who decided to get into the house through the chimney. Instead, he got stuck in the chimney and spent almost 12 hours there! Some may call it karma: according to police, the teenager actually tried to rob the house.
Georgia firefighters pulled a soot-stained Renaldo Jack out of a chimney and immediately arrested him. His neighbor, Edyn Rodriguez, told the newspaper that he heard someone calling for help, so he called rescuers.
But wait, that's not all! The owner of the home who tried to rob Jack told local television that she had no idea that someone was stuck in her chimney and sat there all night.

The kid who was trapped in the car with sweets

The Australian toddler was so determined to get himself sweets from the vending machine that he climbed inside through a tiny hatch and ended up trapped in four glass walls.
2-year-old Cohen Stone climbed inside a machine that had to be operated with a metal claw to retrieve candy from an Italian restaurant where his 24-year-old mother, Kira, took him to celebrate a friend's birthday.
A local locksmith was called to Siena's restaurant to free the little boy, who was dragged out after 45 minutes.

Emergencies Ministry employees rescued a man who was stuck in a garbage chute

This incident took place in Tyumen. The neighbors raised the alarm when they heard cries for help from the mine. The victim was found at the level of the 5th floor: in order to get him out, they had to cut off the compartment of the garbage bin with an electric saw.

Before the young man was handed over to the ambulance doctors, he managed to tell what happened to him. According to the man, he was hiding from his girlfriend and decided to hide where she would definitely not look for him. Jumped into the garbage mine from the 8th floor, flew to the 5th and got stuck there.

See the original material at http://www.1tv.ru/news/social/207283 Intoxicated Swedish elk stuck in an apple tree

Although not human, the situation with this elk is no less strange. On September 6, 2011, passersby saw a moose stuck in an apple tree in Gothenburg. The elk tried to eat the apples from the tree and the police believe that the animal got drunk because of the fermented apples. The elk was released by the police, and after sleeping on the lawn, the animal sober up and returned to the forest.

I found stories from the lives of women and girls, why each of these stories touched me, I myself was not in such situations (and thank God), but I felt very sorry for these ladies.

"A Hard Life, Like a TV Show."

My dad died in a car accident. Mom suffered a stroke on the basis of this tragedy. I really needed money…. And not only to feed my mother and me. I was in my third year at a prestigious university. The university, as you know, was paid. To save the day, I began to diligently look for work. But I had no luck with the search. Not very willingly, so to speak, they hire students!

One evening a very old friend of mine called me. Very on time, by the way, because in a week I had to pay money for my studies. She "helped me out" very much. She suggested how you can get big money in a short period of time. All in all…. I began to earn money through prostitution. Thanks to this "earnings" I was not kicked out of the university and I successfully completed my studies there.

I gave up the whole thing as soon as I finished my college prom. It took about three months. I met my one and only. Naturally, I was silent about my past. And to this day I am silent, because I am afraid of losing him. And even more I am afraid of all our joint "get-togethers" when he introduces me to his friends. I am terribly frightened that among his friends I can meet my former client. I'm very embarrassed! I do not know what to do…. I don’t know if it’s worth telling my beloved my truth. My past life is a series that prevents me from enjoying the present and planning at least the very near future….

"It was once (in winter)."

I was twelve years old. I then preferred the company of guys. Everyone in the yard called me "Little Boy", but that suited me completely. I even liked this "nickname".

One day I decided to skip school. Sasha "supported" me in this. He saw that something was happening to my mood. He decided to raise it above a possible level. And he succeeded, but at what cost!

In short, he said that he had prepared a present for me. Since I love gifts, I immediately did as he said. And Sasha said just a few simple words: “follow me!”. I went without hesitation. We did not walk long, but through huge snowdrifts. We walked until our faces rested against a multi-storey building. A minute later we came close to the balcony on the first floor. Sasha asked me to close my eyes tightly. I made it. When I opened them, I saw that Sanya was holding a whole loaf of expensive sausage in his hands. I put the sausage in a bag that I took with me by mistake. Sasha asked me to close my eyes again - the second time, the third…. And on the fourth, I could not stand it and spied where the products appeared from in his hands. There was a rather large hole in the fence of the balcony under which we were standing. My classmate would stick his hand in there and take out groceries. When he noticed that I "spied" - he offered to try it myself, smiling. I, with cries of indignation, abandoned the idea. But a friend reassured me and said that this was his aunt's balcony, and that she herself allowed him to take whatever he wanted and in any quantities. I believed my classmate. Soon all the food that was stored on the unguarded balcony was in our bags, hands and mouths. We went home happy and contented. We agreed that we will come here tomorrow afternoon.

We did just that. We even skipped the third lesson for the sake of such an "event." The snow melted a little, and it was already much easier to move around. I arrived at the appointed place much faster than the first time. As soon as I approached the balcony, I was able to hear the following: “I wonder, where did all the food go? We have such a grief, but here…. It doesn't seem like stealing either. But where did it all go? You will have to buy everything again. We spent everything on wreaths and on a coffin. There is nothing left. We'll have to urgently "climb" into debt. It must be carried out on the last journey, as it should! " Then my classmate arrived in time. And we realized that all the food that we so diligently "stole" was prepared for the funeral ... I was so ashamed! So many years have passed, and I cannot forget it. And my friend is not a bit ashamed…. These are the shameful stories from life itself.

"Everything happened by chance ..."

It was my birthday. I got off as best I could! After all, I was celebrating not an ordinary date, but my eighteen. There were a lot of visitors. I invited all those who were dear to me in life. My parents understood me, therefore, after sitting with us at the table for a while, they left for the dacha. They gave our holiday complete freedom. And the guests and I, as we should, took advantage of it.

As soon as the holiday began to gain momentum, I received another pleasant surprise. The doorbell rang (I'm surprised I heard it, because the music literally screamed). I opened it and saw my beloved cousin on the doorstep! Beloved…. In all senses! I have loved him as a man for many years. But I knew that nothing could be between us.

Of course, I invited him to my majority. But I very much doubted that he would stop by to congratulate me. The reason is the army. But for my sake he was able to "bypass" her for a while. He was released on leave. You have no idea how happy I was to see him! He gave me a huge soft toy and the same huge bunch of flowers. I liked the gifts, but the best gift was Artemochka's presence. We drank for a long time, walked, took pictures, laughed, talked, danced ... There were many interesting contests. Everything was so great that I regretted that there was no video filming.

Time has flown by. The guests dispersed. And we were left alone with my brother. We cleaned up a bit and continued the banquet. I overdid it with alcohol and began to behave very badly with Tema. But he did not resist, did not run away. He answered all my kisses and caresses. I remember that it was very good for us. But I don’t remember how it all came to bed.

We woke up together. My old (very old) dream has come true. But I was so ashamed…. We have sinned madly. We vowed to each other in love, but we also vowed that we would never see each other.

We've been keeping this promise for years, but I'm so ashamed that I really feel speechless when I see his parents. I am haunted by the constant fear that they will know everything. I am ashamed, but being with other men in bed, I think only about Artyom and dream that he was with me always.

Let's go ... it's a little embarrassing to even write ... no one knows about this, except for my best friend and HIS ... my best friend and his friend have long wanted to bring me and HIM ... they are together ... and this is how it turns out we eat together at the tour base ... the first glances and smiles it was so romantic ... ridiculous courtship ... everyone immediately began to pin up us ... how we were wooded with each other ... a little about HIM ... how dark I love ... an athlete, an insanely beautiful smile and childishly innocent eyes ... I have never seen such eyes ... one drawback ... I didn’t cut my hair well, so I wore a copeshon all the time ... I even slept in it .. .) showed me this cute) the guy and is soaring about this) the whole evening we drink ... we sit opposite each other ... we shoot our eyes) everyone is already talking ... how he is deified by me ... he is silent ... and smiles sweetly) about five in the morning ... he's gone ... gone to bed ... I tell my friend that I want to sleep ... says go to him to lie down ..... tipi here you will kiss ... he will not climb ... will not worry ... you will exchange numbers ... and everything will be fine) I thought for a long time ... he and they just pushed me into the room ... and closed the door ... lay down to him ... my heart was pounding, he was already asleep ... woke up ... and then ... our dialogue started! -you don't mind if I sleep with you ?! -you lie next to you ... I could not even imagine ... with such a beauty ... (at this moment he begins to pester ... the room) -Take your hands, don’t climb ... I’ll leave now ... - I thought I came and woke up and everything ... (I go to another room ... a minute passes ... he is already lying next to me) we go out into the street ... I’m smoking ... he’s next to me ... he’s gone somewhere ... ... went to lay down. comes ... lays down next to him ... starts to pester again ... already crawling under the kovtu and into his pants ... I raise my voice ... almost twisting ... take it away ... don't need it .. please! one thing I just heard ... these are compliments addressed to myself ... how awesome I am ... and stuff like that ... we fought for half an hour ... I wanted to leave, but I couldn't! resisted for a long time, but still relaxed .. and decided to be what will happen! the magic began ... and he didn't get it! (didn’t expect ... an athlete ... and on you) okay ... pretended that there was nothing ... went outside ... we drank some more ... did some crap ... I went to sleep again .. he came to me ... and it all started from the beginning .... again resisted for a long time ... and yet ... gave in ... and then again he does not succeed! he is nervous .... almost freaking out .... but how so ... I have not had this before .. he said! he was mumbling something else ... (at this moment ... I lay smiling and sincerely laughed ...) I say ... maybe we'll just go to bed ... he. .. so it will be better) morning ... woke up first left ... saying only good morning ... sat down in different cars and drove away ..... this is all over ... now it is very embarrassing ... already the second day my conscience is tormenting ... how could I ... on the first day of my acquaintance agree to this ... I could never have imagined that to get it this way ... he was the second ... in my life ... and the first one is my first love that I will never forget ... now I am very worried about thoughts ... what he could think of me ... despite the fact that he didn’t succeed ... I really liked him and sunk into my soul .. the second day I am not myself ... I do not know at all what to do with it ... my soul seems to be a heavy load! thanks ... to those who read it) I would like to hear what you think about it!

Zhanara, 32 years old

I was very embarrassed by the fact that when I reached the age of 30, I never had anal sex. I heard that the AU gives a sea of ​​sensations to a man, and friends admitted that they like it. In general, my boyfriend and I firmly decided that "this" should be tried. We carefully prepared for this, read advice and feedback on the Internet, bought a lubricant. At first, everything went great - the partner was gentle and attentive, but as soon as he inserted his finger "there", I reflexively squeezed the muscles and cried out in pain, I did not expect that I was so sensitive. From my howls, MCH lost an erection and, as a result, the desire to continue making love disappeared, he silently pulled out his finger and went to smoke on the balcony. I was left crying in bed, I was terribly ashamed, I was also offended by such a cold reaction of my beloved. Later he admitted that he "ran away" because he was frightened by my loud scream and felt like a rapist. We had no more attempts to have anal sex ...

Amina, 29 years old

My friend and I were relaxing at the resort, dancing, having fun and drinking at the bar. Later, a friend left with a boyfriend she liked, as she said "kiss on the beach." I was sitting alone at the bar when a man came up to me. Now I really don't remember, neither his name, nor what he looked like. In general, I was drunk and decided on one night stand (sex for one night). We went to my room, I vaguely remember how everything went, then he left. When a returning friend knocked on the door and I staggered out of bed to open the door for her, money fell out of my bra. It turned out that I not only slept with a stranger, but also earned money. It was doubly ashamed: firstly, for casual drunk sex, and secondly, that I was mistaken for a prostitute.

Alena, 25 years old

I met with the guy for about six months when this incident happened. During sex, I was so strongly aroused that I quickly finished and this made me even more moisturized, and the boyfriend could not reach orgasm for a long time. And so he continues his movements, when my vagina clearly made several sounds, very similar to a fart. I was so embarrassed, and he pretended not to hear. I fussed and offered to finish the job with a blowjob, to which the guy, of course, agreed. We must pay tribute to him, he did not say a word about the sounds he heard. But then, I could not calm down, and after that, when he went to his home, I wrote him a message in which I explained in detail the origin of this "bunch", what happens when a member drives air into the vagina like a piston, etc. To which he laughed and said that everything was fine, he realized that I didn’t fart. But I am still very ashamed to remember this story, I do not want this to happen again.

Elya, 27 years old

At one time, acne appeared on my skin, and I did not know how to get rid of them. Along with professional remedies, she used folk recipes. And so I was advised to wash with tar soap, which has not only antibacterial properties, but also stinks terribly. In general, I started washing my face with this soap every night. One day, a longtime admirer came to me, with whom I had unexpected sex. After everything happened and he left, I remembered that I smelled like tar soap. It so happened that we never saw that guy again. Honestly, I don’t want to, it’s scary to imagine, suddenly he thought that I always smell like that.

Alice, 30 years old

This incident happened at my boyfriend's birthday party. Celebrated at his home with a bunch of guests and alcohol. In general, I do not tolerate alcohol, but here for the health of my beloved I was forced to drink more than once or not even twice. When the guests parted, we were left alone with our beloved and had sex. And at some point, the amount of drunk made itself felt and I vomited right on my boyfriend. I sober up instantly. Thank God, the guy was not offended and never even once reminded me of this incident.

Victoria, 29 years old

I have never told this story to anyone. Every time I remember her, I not only fill myself with a scarlet color of shame, but also start laughing wildly inside.

In general, everything was like this - I farted during cunnilingus. A curtain. This would be the end of the story, but no. This is not the end. Firstly, I calmed myself for a long time - it's good that it was my own husband, and not a "new man" on one of the first dates. Immediately after the "incident" my husband and I began to laugh and, in fact, that was the end of that sex. The continuation of the story is that during all the following intimacy, the faithful was afraid to go downstairs, explaining this with the phrase "What if you start a gas attack again?" It took me a very long time to restore my reputation "spoiled" from below.

Nastya, 25 years old

Naturally, sexual shame is associated with adolescence. One of my boyfriends, with whom we were very actively learning about each other and the intimate nature of the relationship between a man and a woman, invited me to his home. Everything was fine until a couple of hours later I did not notice that my boyfriend's little brother was sitting in a tree opposite the window and was watching what was happening with sincere curiosity. Actually, this fact became decisive in our early parting, since I could no longer take a step into their house without remembering this embarrassment.

Dinara, 29 years old

This was the second or third sex. Everything went pretty well, but in the end, when he was about to take off the condom, they found it missing. They searched the entire bed - they did not find it. It remains only to search in me. With the words - every man dreams of being a gynecologist - he got down to business. I did everything gently and carefully. For some reason, I was terribly uncomfortable and even ashamed - probably, my not love for doctors affected. I thought he wouldn't call again. But, no, I called ... we have been living together for 10 years.

Camilla, 25

I do not like anal sex, but I really like the dogi style pose. Every time he is behind, I am very worried that he will get "in the wrong place", so I try to make the "input" accurate, without haste. Once, in a fit of raging passion, he turned me around and wanted to enter abruptly, as I screamed and ran into the bath. She was ashamed, referred to poor health and left. We did not see each other again.