If the girl does not have a personal life. If there is no personal life, what to do. You have your own way

Asked by: Ivan

I am 17 years old and I have not had a relationship (I didn’t even hold the handle). The last year I have been in a depressed state due to 3 failures. If the first attempt can be called a kind of relationship, then subsequent ones did not bring any result. I asked everyone for help, but only my father expressed the thought about that maybe this is all because of my relatively small social circle (school, training, classes + a few good friends). In May, I realized that every attempt only aggravates my morale, and I stopped any actions. Now, when they offer to communicate with someone, it feels like something is not right, if for the first time communication was like a holiday for me, now it’s like hard work. A friend of mine who recently turned 16 surpassed me in every way in literally couple of days and I've been doing it for a year and a half what and more it is not known how long this will last. IN Lately the thought arose that this was hardly influenced by any of my qualities, but that I was simply unnecessary. I perfectly understand that something needs to be done, but every failure only aggravates the situation. I don’t know where to look for a girl, but if I find something to do. There was a feeling of insecurity, I feel like an outcast. If before the first experience I had complexes, for a while gone, then after the failure they only intensified. I just don't know what to do? How? Will this pain end soon? I'm afraid to do anything without a 100% guarantee of success. I hope to hear something useful here, because there is no one else to ask.

Expert answer:

Hello.

You have well noticed that your qualities are not important here. Therefore, it would be foolish to fight acne or pump the press. You are simply blocked. Or call it whatever you want. You just need to break out of this "circle" at any cost.

So, have you read this book? If not, then read on. The author of the book was in your place, only he was generally 20 years old! So you are not all lost.

If not. And if you want to do all this just for show, then do not worry. Not interested, so don't worry. Don't fit in with the crowd. All people are different and so on and so forth.

If you still really want a relationship, then you need to start counting your pluses, not minuses.

Well, for example, the first time you got something like a relationship. Fine. It's already cool.

Then, your social circle has nothing to do with it. The point is that you do not want to take the quantity. You want to take one girl and conquer her like in the movies.

No. Personally, you won't. You need exactly:

• To spit in general on all principles;
• Lower the bar in terms of girls (not quite of course, but decently so);
• Start chatting with a lot of ladies from your city (Internet to help);
• Spin them on the relationship.

That is, phrases like: let's take a walk, let's meet - should always be in your language so that you do not go into virtual.

If everything goes well, then sooner or later you will find those who will agree with you to "just" take a walk. Then you can "just" hug, kiss and that's it. Relationships are ready.

And of course, you need to depress as little as possible, delve into yourself, think about something, confess your love and other nonsense. Just take it! And do it! All. Take and do!

No need to say every time that the war is lost and so on. Scribble like on a conveyor belt. Here is an easy and affordable scheme.

It is described in more detail in the book that is presented above. Articles with analysis will be below similar situations. Good luck.

Hello! I accidentally stumbled upon your site and after reading the forum, I decided to write about my problem.
The thing is, I've never been in a relationship with a man.

I didn't consider this a problem before. When in high school the girls walked like boys and constantly talked about love, I got bored listening to them. They were still suffering, jealous. I thought that they were doing stupid things, but I would have love later (!) And it would be happy and interesting, and not vulgar, like theirs. And she did books. I had friendly relations with the boys at school: they sat in the back of the company, joked, laughed.

At the university, I also began to have guy friends. I really liked this form of communion, such cheerful relationships, walks, interesting conversations. But no one tried to court me.

Then, in my 3rd year, I had a fan. We talked a lot, talked, but I stopped attempts to get closer, I don’t know why. I thought it wasn't time yet. He tried to hug me and I dodged. He complained to mutual friends that he did not meet reciprocity, although this was not so. Then he began to cool, I felt it right away, and to me, on the contrary, he began to coil more strongly. I became afraid of losing him. The whole romance lasted 8 months, then the guy found himself another girl. There was no sex. After that, I suffered a lot and cried. Couldn't forget for a few years. Other spheres of life also fell. We have a lot in the profession tied to a party, social life. And since it was unbearably painful for me to see him at events (if with a girl, then even more painful), I stopped going to them. The same with friendly companies: I only have those friends who did not communicate with him and his girlfriend.

Since then, I have not been in a relationship with a man. That is, there are friends (including new ones), but no one called for dates. Where and how to get acquainted and how to communicate not in a friendly way, I do not understand.

Also, lately I find that the very fact of sex scares me off. I'm a virgin, so I think it will hurt and so on. I registered on a dating site, went on a date, but was so scared that the guy would start pestering me, that I dressed in a baggy sweater and jeans with sneakers, no makeup. As a result, we talked about politics and cinema and that's it. Haven't talked to SZ yet.

I need a lot of time to mentally prepare for sex, but a man will be so patient only when Great love. But in order for some feelings to arise, you need to communicate for a long time, and hardly anyone wants to communicate without sex (if this is not a friend, again). Vicious circle. In addition, the fact that I am a virgin at that age is also a minus. In a romantic situation, I can't relax, I feel tense, I'm afraid, I'm waiting for trouble. All the time it seems that some kind of danger comes from a man. Therefore, I translate everything into a format of friendship (if we are interested in each other), this is the only way I can relax in the company of a man (this feeling of threat disappears).

I don't know how to overcome this fear. So I decided to write to ask for help. I do not know what to do.

Lapalapa

Svetlana Dyachenko

Administrator , Russia

Lapalapa, hello!
Psychologist Ekaterina Krupetskaya will answer the topic after a while.

Lapalapa, and specify, how old are you?

I can briefly tell about myself.
I'm 32, designer. Although now I am getting a second education, art criticism.
The only child in the family. My parents loved me very much as a child, they played with me all the time. At school, duties began, and here parents (especially mother) always took the side of teachers: duties are more important than your desires, you must meet the requirements, and so on. Once even my mother rewrote my homework, believing that it was non-standard, and his Russian teacher would not understand (although she herself praised it, she remade it anyway). In general, for some reason, I was afraid of my mother's disapproval of my actions (I felt ashamed at the same time). Almost no direct prohibitions were ever made to me, but only negative ratings(for example, when asked to buy me a toy, they said “why do you need this bad taste?” Instead of a direct refusal. Or if I boasted about something, they could say “it’s all fine, but it would be better if you did something else, more necessary (for example, for school)). I myself, as it were, accepted what mom needs decision, but it was always a shame. As a teenager, much of what was frowned upon was done in secret. She could not speak openly about her needs. Direct prohibitions concerned only safety (not to walk late at night, etc.), and I carried them out without internal protest. Now I am also afraid of my mother's criticism, although I can openly say this (and I am afraid to do this, and my mother is always offended).
I had no traumatic events regarding sex. Indeed, it was a strange case. My friend and I were walking (we were 14 years old) in the yard (far from the place where we lived), and there was some kind of man near the entrance of the house. He sat on a bench, and then got up, walked back and forth, and all this lasted about 2 hours, it was clear that he was crazy. And then we went home and met him on the road, not far from our house. And his eyes were glassy. We thought then that he followed us and were so frightened that we didn’t go for a walk anywhere for a couple of months, we just sat on a bench near the house. We were scared then in earnest.

Lapalapa

Lapalapa, do I understand you correctly? the only relationship were you in your third year with your boyfriend? You were about 20 years old then, right? For 12 years you were not interested in this topic or you could not cope with the feelings of breaking up with that same fan? Do you have girlfriends? If so, did they get married during this period, perhaps give birth to children? How do you feel about their husbands?

Do you currently live alone or with your parents? What is your relationship with your mother and father now? What is the relationship between parents?

If you think about what kind of man you would like to see next to you, can you write 10 points, what should he be like?

Katherine, sorry for taking so long to reply. There were internet outages.
For your questions.
Yes, it was the only relationship where there were mutual feelings. I was 20 years old. Before that, there were two strong one-sided loves on my part (in one case, I didn’t even tell the guy about it, because I thought that this friendship was so strong, I didn’t fully realize and understand my feeling, and then everything disappeared by itself. And the other love was in a teacher much older than me.)

After that guy from the 3rd year, she experienced a breakup for a very long time (several years), considering that it was very difficult for him to find a replacement, and hoping that he would return.

I haven't been in love with anyone for the past few years. There is an interest in this problem, I am morally ready to meet my man. But no one likes me from this side, only friendly relations(so communicate with pleasure). My appearance is found attractive. Maybe I don’t understand what kind of communication format is romantic?

Lapalapa

There are girlfriends. Three of them are very close. Two of them have children (one was not married, considers marriage an unnecessary formality. The other is married, but bad relationship with her husband, even raised his hand to her once). I don't have any certain attitude to their husbands. I only appreciate the relationship between them and my friends. Another friend (teenagers were inseparable friends) was never married, no children (she had an affair at the age of 17 with a 30-year-old boyfriend, first relationship, and after that - nothing for a long time, and then there was an episodic relationship with a foreigner (from Central Asia), ending in an abortion. I was so afraid of her first boyfriend's friends that I stopped talking to her. Only after she broke up with him resumed communication).

I live with my parents. My relationship with my mother is like a friend. We all know about each other. We can discuss common acquaintances, friends, relationships, even sexual topics, professional issues. I'm interested in my mom. Mom's disapproval causes a feeling of shame, although I can say that I am not satisfied. But it is difficult, some kind of barrier arises. Mom is also offended by criticism. But our tastes largely coincide, there are no particular conflicts.
Relations with dad are more formal. We used to argue a lot about politics and culture. Although now I calmly look at the discrepancy of views. Dad likes to speak sharply (I don’t remember this as a child, this is the last time), I try not to touch on sensitive topics. But there are no special conflicts with either mom or dad. However, I often dream that I am fighting with my parents, crying.

Parents lived well, they had only some domestic disagreements after we moved to another apartment (I was 7 years old then), we then could not make repairs there. When I was 17, there was a quarrel between my parents (my mother discovered that my father had had another woman for about a year, my father's age, his colleague). Mom was very worried, she cried all the time, I was really afraid for her, for her psyche (although she was worried, she moved away from dad). Mom decided to get a divorce, but dad begged her not to do it. As a result, they live in the same house, but in different rooms. Outwardly, everything seems to be decent, they go to the dacha together, they make dinners on weekends. But we used to have a lot of guests, and since we moved there have been fewer and fewer of them. And at the moment of the quarrel of the parents - no one goes to them at all (not counting my friends).

Desirable man on points.
1. Gentle. With him calmly, comfortably.
2. Educated, smart. Interesting in communication.
3. Subtly feeling, understanding.
4. Honest, not lying, even so as not to upset me. Respect comes first.
5. Intelligent, educated. With him you can feel like a woman (nothing sexist).
6. Sociable, loves to travel and party (with me). Many friends.
7. With a sense of humor.
8. Having his own business, career. I graduated from a good university.
9. Athletic, but not a jock, but graceful, thin.
10. Dressed in style. More like a European.

Lapalapa

Lapalapa, tell me, have you previously consulted a psychologist about any issues? Do you have experience of regular communication with a specialist?

How do you yourself feel that the discord that occurred between your parents at the age of 17 affected you, and if so, in what way?
According to your story, one gets the feeling that the relationship between the parents is now somewhat remote. They live in different rooms, perhaps there is no intimacy between them. But your relationship with your mother, rather, strengthened after that episode. Is it possible to say that the family consists, rather, of you and your mother, and the father is present as a "guest" in your house?

Did I understand correctly that your mother trusts you a lot, including with regard to relationships with your father? Did you and her discuss the story when your parents almost divorced? Has your mother's attitude towards father changed (from her words?) What does your mother think now about her father and about men in general? Does she share her thoughts on this with you? How does she assess the situation in your personal life?

Hello Ekaterina!
Yes, I went to a psychologist 3 years ago on a very unusual request: I felt very lonely, I thought that I had no friends (then, indeed, a vacuum of communication formed after breaking up with that guy from the university, as I already wrote. Despite the fact that I had and have girlfriends. But it seemed that others had a very active public life, and I am a recluse). I left for 11 sessions, I felt an increase in self-esteem (before that, I felt like some kind of second-rate, after that break).

Regarding, in fact, the lack of personal life did not apply.
No, you can't say that dad is a guest. But with my mother, I really became closer. Mom began to treat dad worse, and so did I. Strongly moved away from him, as a stranger became, the proximity was gone. Only lately has she begun to get closer to her father, to change her feeling towards him. Although I never particularly condemned him, somehow I always looked at this situation as if from the outside.
When I found out - there was shock, anger. Then - curiosity, what kind of woman is she who attracted dad to such an extent (this is a secret from mom, she would have condemned me, would have been offended). Then - a distance from dad, then I wanted dad to leave. With my mother - at first she supported her, because she was afraid for her. She complained to me all the time about dad, scolded his mistress, cursed her. I did not agree with her on everything, but kept quiet (or even agreed with her), otherwise she reproached me for not taking her side. I know this whole story mother's words, I wouldn’t risk discussing this with dad (although once we quarreled with him, and I told him everything I think about his mistress and about his relationship on the side. He silently endured everything, but with all his appearance he showed that he did the right thing). But then, all these emotions dulled. My mother and I discuss this situation, sometimes even in an ironic way. With dad - never (although his love story is over). Parents live apart, at a distance. Mom does not want to communicate with other men, she believes that it makes no sense to start relationships in such old age. He says: as it is - it is, it will live as it used to. Dad - also seems to live by inertia. They don't want to change anything. Now I would like my parents to live a normal life living together. It would give me the feeling that I have a home and more freedom.

Lapalapa

Lapalapa, are you satisfied with the result of working with a psychologist in that situation? Is the feeling of loneliness gone? Have you made friends, buddies (friends)? You write that a vacuum began to form after parting with a fan in the 3rd year. Then you were 20-21 years old, and you turned to a psychologist only three years ago, that is, at your 29 years old. Could you clarify why you associate the feeling of loneliness at 29 with the breakup at 21? According to your stories, I get the feeling that a rather large period of time seems to have been "compressed" for you. What was the time filled with from your 21 years until today?

I draw your attention to the fact that twice in your life there were situations when a man significant to you started relationships with other women:
1) Your father started a relationship with another woman and you saw what a shock it was for your mother. You yourself were 17 years old, a very vulnerable period for a girl who, more than usual, may need the support of her father, and the father at this time could leave the family. As you describe, you certainly supported your mother and condemned your father. Mom, I dare to express a thought, still has not survived the betrayal of her father, and although they formally remained to live in the same space, she never got close to her father, did not forgive him, remained cold to him and, apparently, to everything masculine. Considering how much she discussed and continues to discuss this story with you, you could form a very negative idea about men. Your mother showed you by her own example and continues to demonstrate that men cannot be trusted, and that they will certainly betray, you can only be at a distance with them (as she is with her father now). What do you think about this? Does this discussion resonate with you? You did not answer the question, how does your mother feel about the fact that you do not have a personal life?

2) When not much time has passed since the crisis in your parents' family, your admirer also preferred another girl to you, unable to withstand a long period of courting you. 8 months is quite a decent time to figure out if there are reciprocal feelings. As I understand it, you did not give him any hope of rapprochement, and he took this as a negative response to his interest in you. For you, perhaps, his interest in another girl and the beginning of his relationship with her was another betrayal, following the betrayal of his father, confirming the position of his mother that no one should be allowed close to him.

Perhaps, if I'm right in my assumptions, the re-trauma has been so hard for you that you unconsciously decided to close the topic of building relationships with men for yourself. This, at least, explains why for a long 11-12 years you did not even try to get close to anyone. However, something seemed to cease to suit you in this. I would be interested to understand what has changed for you now? If you have been without a personal life for so long, why do you now want to make an attempt to find a relationship again? What scares you about not seeking further rapprochement with men?

Hello Ekaterina.
The feeling of loneliness has not left me since the moment I broke up with that guy. It has only grown over the years. There was a sense of inferiority. It seemed to me that I was somehow really wrong, since I was preferred to another girl, and the guy did not even have any guilt in front of me, he openly demonstrated that he was in love with another girl. He told me that he only wanted to be friends with me, but he fell in love with her, because he saw a woman in her. I felt abandoned by everyone, as if my friends had betrayed me, without support (acquaintances and some of our mutual friends, whom I considered close to me, talked with him and his girlfriend, went on trips with them, went to her birthdays (although I was told that his girlfriend was a fool). I then set myself the goal of returning him (for me, as I now understand, it was more a matter of dignity, rehabilitation in my own eyes, and not love). I waited a very long time, we often saw each other (first at school, then by profession), we arranged meetings with friends. All this was useless. In the end, I said that I wanted to sleep with him without obligations (he had already left that girlfriend of his then, he had another one, whom she also soon left), according to the principle: at least take something from this situation. He seemed to agree, but then disappeared without answering phone call on the agreed day. Since then, I stopped communicating with him, began to avoid even random encounters, it became very painful (just then a social vacuum arose, before that I always went to all sorts of events in the hope of meeting him there, procrastinated with my friends all this endlessly). I decided we'd be together someday. And I've been forgetting it ever since. It was 5 years after the breakup.

But the feeling of loneliness and inferiority remained. At first, there was a feeling of the meaninglessness of life (without this person), lamenting the fate, why exactly should I be lonely and unhappy, when everyone around is happy with life.
From the moment I actually stopped seeing that guy (at the age of 26), I gradually began to forget him, to cool off towards him. The real moral readiness for a relationship with another person appeared only 8 years after the breakup, around the time when I went to a psychologist. This long period of time (between 21 and 29 years) was filled with all sorts of daily activities, study, work. There was little communication, I moved away from everyone, and these acquaintances did not regret it (only a few friends remained). Then I changed my profession, and my relationship with them completely disappeared.
After working with a psychologist, my self-esteem grew, the feeling of inferiority disappeared, on the contrary, I found in myself a sense of my own worth. Another old conflict was resolved. I quarreled with several girls in the 6th grade of the school, and did not communicate with them either at school or after (it also beat me according to self-esteem), and that year there was a meeting of classmates, and everyone somehow reconciled. I carried a grudge for more than 10 years (the conflict was serious: the girl fell in love with a guy who liked me (and I didn’t know about it) and turned half the class against me, there were fights, quarrels, relations with some classmates, mostly boys, normalized only in high school), and then she was taken off like a shot. Relationships have been renewed, it has made me very relieved. emotional mood(like a stone fell from the soul). Then I went to the 2nd education, new profession- new acquaintances.

I can’t even say for sure how my mother feels about the fact that I don’t have a personal life. She says: it's not evening yet, we must hope that everything will turn out well. He does not condemn me, he does not push me with his grandchildren. (she married at 34 for dad, 1st marriage).

I never connected the fact that I was dumped with the fact that my dad got another woman. I did not feel that my father had betrayed me, although the fact itself shocked me, it did not hit my self-esteem. First there was shock, then anger, then a desire to move away from all this (which I could not do because of my mother, it seemed to me that she was so weak at that moment that it would be a crime). I condemned my father from a general moral point of view. And I didn’t want to understand the intricacies, but I understood that my mother was also wrong about something, since it had come to this (mutual responsibility), I pretended to my mother that I always condemned, because she could be very upset, start reproaching me for not supporting her. It was easier for me to say that I condemn him than to quarrel. Mom thinks dad left because that woman showed him some exotic sex (I didn’t argue with her, but I don’t think so).

Mom treats men normally, but she always considers friendships to be cleaner than love ones. Considers that at love relationships Respect often disappears, no one talks about anything - only sex remains. Still all the time he advises to work, he believes that men are unreliable. But I myself do not expect that I will certainly be betrayed.
I am afraid of another, some kind of threat is associated with sex for me, I am afraid that new fan will start to pester, and I will run away. (for me, it's all shame, embarrassment, a difficult dilemma: to refuse (under the threat of a break) or to endure, forebodings of a painful first time). Here I have some kind of animal fear, it is difficult to control it. And the fact that a man can quit is rather an absolutely conscious fear.

Yes, it most likely was. The guy was just tired of following me for 8 months. I was waiting for some step from him, I don’t know which one, in order to demonstrate my feelings to him in response. There was also some fear. But not that they will leave me. For me, the fact that he left was also a shock.

I have never closed myself from communicating with men (at least on a conscious level).
After parting, for a long time I wanted to build a personal life with him (I thought that there was no better for me), this lasted almost 8 years. Then the hope for this dried up, and there came a cooling towards him, she began to pay attention to others. I felt ready for a new love.
I want to remove this fear when approaching. What others consider pleasure, for me is painful awkwardness, the patience of unpleasant things (for example, the thought of a kiss is terrifying). I also pushed that guy away, wasting time, waiting for something (I don’t know what). I'm afraid of all this, but I want love, tenderness. Sometimes it seems that a friend can make a good partner.

I had another episode that coincided with a quarrel between my parents. I had a tutor then (preparing for university), an acquaintance of my father. He pestered me, and I fell in love with him directly, I did not expect reciprocity (he was a married womanizer, had children on the side, he liked to drink, he was much older than me), I was not jealous. Sometimes we hugged after class, I wanted to meet him. I foolishly told my mother that I like him, and she gave me an ultimatum: if I have something with him, then I am no longer her daughter (they were just quarreling with dad, and she began to reproach that I went there too). I still went to study with him, and a few months later I almost stayed with him for the night (but ran away to last moment for some reason). But it all ended, because I was infuriated that he was drinking, I couldn’t see it, I stopped communicating with him by an effort of will.

I also had a new profession that changed me a lot, made me a different person. Therefore, new plans, new motivations appeared, including in relationships.

Lapalapa

Lapalapa, hello!
Sorry for the delay in the answer, I am grateful to you that you answer the questions in detail and tell about yourself, I perceive this as trust on your part.

A very interesting picture is emerging: I see that you have a lot of healthy interest in relationships and in men, and this, in my opinion, is your most important resource in the context of your current situation. I share your concern about how the topic of sexuality responds to you. Judging by what you describe, this is one of the most difficult moments for you, which at one time prevented the development of your first romantic relationship and is still holding you back. The topic is not very easy to discuss in the public space. I would suggest that you consider another appeal for professional help how about support option. My vision of what is happening to you is arranged something like this:

First, people quite often reproduce the scenario of building relationships with the opposite sex along the lines of a parent of the same sex. Your mother did not marry early, and unconsciously a program may work for you that you should not do this earlier than your mother. Such attitudes are very difficult to understand, as a rule, as well as attitudes towards men. Secondly, what you wrote is quite enough to suggest that you inherited many of your anxieties, especially those related to the area of ​​sexuality, from your mother, through conversations with her and perception of her view of the world and relationships. I could be wrong, of course, this is just a hypothesis.

As I wrote above, I consider it good news that you give the impression of a very thinking and independent person in thinking, with reasonable views, the ability to analyze your behavior and, most importantly, with a great desire to change in the area of ​​​​your relationship with men. I have no doubt that your conscious efforts in this direction will certainly lead you to the desired changes. But you may have to face a lot of internal obstacles in the form of attitudes from your childhood. In order to find your own perspective on building close relationships, you may need to delicately and carefully separate what you used to think and feel from the beliefs that you absorbed in the process of raising and communicating with loved ones, in particular, with your mother. I will assume that family attitudes have great power over you and fetter you, deprive you of spontaneity and pleasure, without even allowing you to touch the area of ​​​​sensual relationships.

I would really like for you to be released from these shackles and start your own life project, you, like any person, have every right to reveal your potential, including your female role. By default, by birthright, just like any person, you deserve love, reciprocity, the joy of close relationships. The path to inner freedom from obsolete attitudes is much easier to pass with the help of a professional: having experienced trauma, a person acquires protections in order to survive and adapt. Your failed love, as well as your first failed experience sexual relations with that adult man, because of whom you heard your mother’s threat to stop considering you your daughter, could lead to the fact that for your own safety you closed yourself, if not from the very topic of relationships, then from possible physical contact with men. To overcome this by one's own efforts, I suppose, is quite difficult. Working with installations is always a painstaking process that requires care and trusting support. Therefore, this is one of my main recommendations for you - this is the passage of personal therapy. The process may not be very fast, but it is worth it.

Circumstances can also help overcome your difficulty, but it depends, among other things, on luck. Let's say you can meet an experienced in sexually a man who, on the one hand, will be very interested in you, and on the other hand, will be very careful and finely tuned to you, patient and ready to help you pass through your barriers that stand between you and sexual intimacy. However, as you yourself can probably guess, the older people become, the more difficult it is for them to get close to each other. psychological level, and the less they expect to encounter difficulties for rapprochement on physical level. You now have a "task increased complexity": You feel open to relationships, but you still have no experience of building relationships, and the expectations from a partner are rather unusual.

As part of the consultation on the forum, I can hardly offer you something more detailed than support for your intention and overall plan work with your own settings. Therefore, everything that I write below, I propose to perceive as a general direction.

If you are determined and not yet ready to seek therapy, I would recommend that you try to treat the topic of dating and getting closer to a man as an exciting adventure, an experiment. In advance, giving yourself the right and permission to many unsuccessful attempts. If you solve a research problem, then possible failures and disappointments will be mere observations, not catastrophes. You need to lower your expectations both from yourself and from your partners and try not to make big bets on changing the situation right away. It is very important to set yourself up so that even the smallest steps are perceived by you as success. For example, you might make a plan to meet at least five new men within the next month. Not guessing about the outcome of these meetings. Just taste meeting, getting to know, getting to know men and exploring your own reactions to it. Do not judge yourself based on the results of the meetings - consider it a success that the meeting took place. As a source of dating, the simplest is online dating sites or mobile applications for dating. Well, do not forget about other opportunities to meet. There are many such steps that can be planned, the main thing is not to rush, carefully listen to your own reactions and in no case get ahead of events. Allow the relationship to develop gradually. Look for that partner with whom mutual understanding will appear and who will be ready to give you time. There is nothing shameful or wrong in this: men are always interested in a faster transition to sexual contact, but if they treat the woman they met with respect and sympathy, they will be ready to understand her desire not to rush. So don't be afraid to talk to your partner about it. Of course, having met someone you like and arouse a response desire for rapprochement, you may encounter your own limitations and barriers: and here it is important to try to be careful of yourself and use your own life experience- in particular, learn to take risks and open up to new relationships. It is also very important to have support in this, to go through such tests in new area It's always better to have someone around to discuss difficult issues with. But even if you act on your own, I think you can at least start making changes for the better in an area that is important to you.

If there is no privacy

If you can’t build a relationship with a partner, these materials will help:

Now let's move on to considering the criterion of happiness in partnerships or family relationships.

How to achieve happiness in your personal life?

The most important thing in the life of any person is to live in harmony with loved ones. What is it and how to achieve harmony? Let's look at this issue.

At the same time, the goal is to "get" good partner we will not consider. After all, views of family happiness everyone is different. Someone - so that a person receives a lot of money, be handsome, generous, smart. True, this only happens in fairy tales. A little good.

To someone in general everything is indifferent - if only there was a little man nearby.

What to do when you achieve your goal - marry (marry) a wealthy partner? How to keep the comfort in the family nest? What is more important is what you should do afterwards for family happiness.

As the guardians of the hearth, you are obliged to keep the family warm and cozy. It's not as difficult as it might seem. By following some rules, you can bring your life closer to a fairy tale, if you wish!

Consider the conditions for a happy personal life

1. Live for your beloved partner, and not "instead of him" or "for him." No need to explain to each other how to live. You don't have to learn. Be prepared to accept him for who he is. If you want to change something, show it by your own example, but do not push, let him choose for himself! Live together!

2. Respect each other's opinions! Consider the opinion of the other, listen to each other and look for a compromise in the decision contentious issues. Do not try to stand your ground, try to act with the desire to maintain and strengthen the relationship, and not just prove your case. Keep talking until the issue is completely resolved. If any opinion of your partner is contrary to your principles and life position, find out as early as possible to decide for yourself whether you are ready to accept it without changes! Do not expect to change the other!

3. Let quarrels, anger and irritation be only short-term moments. Keep the focus on love and respect. Be ready to forgive and go towards another. Hug each other and hold hands. Get in the habit of resolving conflict by looking into each other's eyes and holding hands. Don't speak hastily. It is better to wait a few minutes, and sometimes tens of minutes, and then calmly talk, than to vent all the heat, and then rake up the consequences of the aggravated situation.

4. Take steps towards each other. Do not be afraid to sacrifice something personal for the sake of general happiness. It can be work, hobbies, friends, etc. Always share your "work" and future plans, unless, of course, this is a surprise.

And make surprises and gifts taking into account the interests of your partner. Wishes can always be "felt" in advance of the holiday or event. It's not that hard if you know each other.

5. Try to keep your partner interested in you. Share all your thoughts, experiences, goals and dreams. Open up, let others see your beautiful inner world! Do not stop being interested in something new and keep monotonous life. Then you will not get bored with yourself and your partner will also be charged with life inspiration thanks to you.

6. Don't take advantage of each other. In a relationship there is no boss and subordinate - complete equality and mutual respect. Appreciate each other and if you need something, be able to ask, but never adjust events to your advantage by disguising it with something else. Be sincere in everything.

7. Let you be attracted to each other by mutual desire and love, and not because it is supposed to be. Do not think about what others expect of you or condemn you. Let everything develop naturally, through love, trust and tenderness. Never close your feelings and do not get used to them!

Such principles of cozy and happy family life are quite feasible for those who wish not only to maintain, but also to strengthen their relationship. We would love to talk more about this with you.

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After graduating from the university, I could not find a job for a year (although the diploma is not red, but the grades are good). I went to interviews in three private firms, but they did not inspire confidence, it is not realistic to get into state organizations in our city. I thought that I would go crazy sitting at home alone, surfing the Internet and helping my mother with the housework. Parents were not particularly eager to help with employment, and everywhere in our provincial town getting a normal job is only through relatives. A year later, through a friend of acquaintances, it turned out to give my resume to the only large enterprise in our city, then three months later I was offered a normal job. When I came to take shape, they told me that the authorities were taking their relative to this place, and I was offered a place in the production workshop of a worker. Out of hopelessness and hope for some future enlightenment, I got a job. When I came to my workplace, I was shocked: work in production is HELL, I have not seen such working conditions anywhere, the attitude towards workers is like cattle. I have never seen any mechanisms in my life, it was terribly difficult for me at this job, and I was constantly in nervous state. For three months I was depressed, after work I only had the strength to eat and sleep. I spent a year in this nightmare, I didn’t see anything but exhausting shifts, I hoped that my parents would be able to agree and get me to work with documentation, but it didn’t work out. I quit on a not very good note, quarreled with my boss when I plowed for 12 hours on the night shift (and in real life more than 12, along with the shift change and the road to the factory) and barely stood on my feet, unable to stand it, tried to defend my dignity, to which the boss (the one who did not take me to the place that I came to initially) publicly lowered me at the meeting, also deprived me of the bonus by 100%, more and issued a reprimand (there are workers without rights). Unable to withstand these insults and exhausted from this hard work for a year, I left the factory. And again out of work. I have almost no friends (and those that I have are either far away and we communicate on the Internet, or they have their own life). For some reason, relations with young people do not add up. I'm starting to give up on my personal life. I asked my parents to help me financially open my small company, but they say that you can’t do it, you’d better go to a “normal job”, but they don’t try to help me again, and in my specialty without experience and again connections nowhere. I clearly know what I want to do (although, unfortunately, this is a seasonal business), I want to get a job in the same company for a season (even without a salary) in order to gain skills in this business, now I go to accounting courses. But my parents are not loyal to this, and I don’t work now, and the factory didn’t pay that much. Because of so many failures in my life, some kind of inferiority complex has developed, a stupid gray mouse, a stupid little girl who can neither master nor achieve anything. My parents won’t let me go to the regional city, and you can’t explain it to them in any way, and again you won’t go far without money. And I'm very lonely. Sometimes it seems that my life has reached a dead end: there is no work, no personal life, no friends, no mutual understanding with my parents. Please tell me how to change my life, I don't know what to do in this world.
Support the site:

Christina, age: 24 / 04.11.2011

Responses:

Christina, you are great! Keep it up, don't give up.
You also worked in production whole year endured. You will succeed. You will definitely find a decent job. Pray to the Lord, everything is possible to Him.
You do not know what awaits you tomorrow. I believe that you will find good friend(because it’s not the quantity that matters, but the quality), and meet your man, with whom you will start a family, give birth to a baby. Everything has its time.
Help you Lord!

Same, age: 30 / 05.11.2011

Hello Christina!
The fact that you left the factory, you did the right thing, not every person is adapted to the difficult physical labor. After all, there you only exhausted yourself, both mentally and physically.
If there is no opportunity to get a job right now, try to find a "remote" job on the Internet, in any case, you can earn something and save money for your own business, albeit small, but your own.
And don’t be offended by your parents, they just love you very much and treat you like their child, not realizing that the child has grown up a long time ago.
Better go to church, pray to the Lord and ask Him to help you find a way out of this situation. He will give you wisdom on what to do in life.
May God bless you!

Aleana, age: 41 / 05.11.2011

Christina, hello!
I myself am in a very similar situation. I'm also 24, also a small town. I started my work at an illegal manufacturing enterprise, for a penny salary, in hellish conditions (a day / two, no heating) and with falling apart equipment - although I have a medalist + with a red diploma. They were also treated like cattle, and they beat their own ...
Now it has become a little better - I have changed the company, + there is work in the specialty, freelance.
Do not despair, think about what else you can do, what you can earn on. It's good that you have an ultimate goal - you know in which area you would like to work and what is important to you. If you have goals, then you will achieve them.
And about work in regional center- This good idea. I don't know how far your town is from it, but maybe you can drive and not rent a house? In any case, there will be more jobs and higher wages.
Look at part-time jobs - like "coursework", sit with a child, tutoring - maybe you will like something from this, there will be no extra money.
It will get better, you just need to endure and climb.

Julia, age: 24 / 05.11.2011

Hello, Christina. I just went to talk to a friend of our relatives and my father’s colleague, a psychotherapist by profession, then she told me: “And you go to my toilets. And you will earn good money and get rid of depression. Or demand for your English classes, let’s say, 50 dollars per hour.” found for myself. Wash public places Of course, I don’t advise, but you can always find a use for yourself in something else. For example, you can change your specialty. Call ads. I go to interviews, even when I guess that this is network marketing. go to work, but now you can’t even talk to them. In my family, everyone has their own problems. But I don’t have my own family. My brother is all loaded with work. next year I am going and plan to live separately from my brother. I know that now my money is tight, but I hope that I will break through. And you, too, do not lose hope.

Polina, age: 26 / 05.11.2011

Christina, good day to you. I treat you with understanding. Your situation is painfully familiar to me. It’s hard for me to advise you something specifically, because the right words I can’t find it, and it’s always easy to give advice from the outside. I only wish you patience, good luck, courage, loyalty to people. Despite the feeling of loneliness and misunderstanding on the part of people around you, try to be stronger than the circumstances.

Aigul, age: 34 / 05.11.2011

In fact, such problems happen in the lives of many people. But not everyone is talking about it. Every situation that arises, pleasant or not, teaches us something. Perhaps you
you just need to realize the truth: "No one owes me anything!". Once you understand this, you can
look at everything in a new way. If you can't do it yourself, turn to God. Ask Him to help you.

Rescued, age: 100 / 11/05/2011

No need to worry. I understand you 100%. true. you just have to fight. and all. don't give up. You have been educated. So everything is fine with you. really, you are the best. Your work environment is just the same as ours. We have a small city. No prospects. try to knock knocking break don't give up like me. I am also in a small town. not a mediocre person at all, but lost. don't get lost, try. In my experience, you have to try. I'm with you!

Lost, age: 22 / 05.11.2011

Thank you so much everyone for the feedback!!! I am very glad that there are so many not indifferent people!

Christina, age: 24 / 05.11.2011

Some of my friends work in Moscow. Renting a house is expensive. Girls live therefore for 5 people and, accordingly, there is no personal life either. But they fight and find support in mutual aid.

Ivan, age: 40 / 06.11.2011

Christina, good afternoon!
You have a lot positive qualities. Judge
themselves: not stupid, patient, purposeful, with
a clear vision of what you want to do,
what to devote your life to.
At the same time, you often mention parents.
They don't help you financially, they don't help you
find a job, they won't let you go. Christina,
maybe this is a circumstance in order to
You made up your mind and were able to make big step V
independent life? Shouldn't be blamed
unsuccessful search for the size of the town, lack of
connections, parents .. Try to arrange your own
life. Can't you go far without money? settle down
temporarily for a small salary, earn extra money,
save money. With (albeit not a large) sum
you can live in a regional city for a while,
and there will already be work and everything will be arranged according to
quietly. Nothing happens without hard work.
Before leaving the distant Siberian
cities in beautiful St. Petersburg I somewhat
worked three jobs for months to
had money for the first time. You are nothing
worse.
You will definitely succeed, even if you don't
think of giving up!

Elena, age: 27 / 07.11.2011

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You should not compare yourself with others, everyone has their own history of relationships. Someone is looking for one and for life, going through a series of close relationships with different people, someone does not cross a certain line of intimacy until they realize that they have met the right person.

You characterize your current state with the words: "something went wrong." Sometimes it's good to just be more critical of what we call "I was raised that way." Your parents raised you ordinary people which may also be misleading. What seems unshakably true to them may not be so at all to you.

There is nothing mean or mean about starting to date someone without really understanding and knowing exactly how to "do" it. You cannot imagine a closer relationship with any of your acquaintances - which means that there is no person among them who is suitable for you in this sense. You should not offer anything, you should not rush anywhere or do something that you are not ready for. Do not refuse dates with the person you like, do not predict your awkwardness. Just know that at any moment you too will be deciding whether or not you two should go a little further.