Not coming down for a long time a. Second chance to the past: is love with a former partner possible?

26.04.2019

Sometimes in a relationship comes hard times... And it so happens that it ends up breaking up and ending the relationship. It happens this way, this is a natural part of a relationship, like their beginning, like any other moment in them. But, I don't want to talk about that.

Very often after you broke up with your girlfriend or your boyfriend, there is desire come back, make up and start your relationship again. You think about how good you were together, you want this "good" to come back. This is especially the case with couples in which partners have occupied most of their lives. And this too normal process, it's ok when you want to bring good things back. There is nothing wrong or loser about this. This is also a natural part of the relationship cycle.

But, behind all this lies a great self-deception. The truth is that people don't just break up, relationships don't end just like that, and you can't stop loving each other out of the blue. This is all a consistent and complex process that led to the end of the relationship. And what is behind this process?

And behind this all are, oddly enough, problems, a bunch of problems, from small to huge, which accumulated in a single lump and at a particular moment in time fell on you and your relationship. All this can collect for months and years, and you will not notice it until the moment when the mass of problems becomes critical and an explosion occurs, and the subsequent separation. And the more difficult the breakdown of relations occurs, the more problems have accumulated in them.

Now, it may seem obvious to you, but when you are in a difficult peak of a relationship, you cannot assess the situation soberly. And you move by the inertia of your own emotions.

So, answering the question from the title, is it necessary to converge after parting?

It is regrettable to say - no, in no case can we agree in 99.9%. Why, after all, you felt so good together?

From my words, a very logical conclusion may arise that if the problems are solved, then it is possible to converge. That is how it is. But only a few are ready to work honestly to solve all problems. And before that, we still need to find all these problems, which also greatly complicates the task. The end result is that in most cases it is better and easier to move on and build new relationships, rather than dig into old ones that are almost dead. It's like a car that you fix for 1 month and drive for 1 hour, then fix it again for 1 month in order to drive for 1 hour. Often, it's better to pursue new relationships with old mistakes in mind than to endlessly fix old ones. It doesn't always come easy, though.

Probably the most big question, who torments former lovers - is it worth returning the relationship after breaking up? People's opinions on this matter are completely different, because everyone has their own love story, their own reasons for separation and return, their joys and experiences. Someone very quickly realizes that they have lost the most precious and valuable thing, someone realizes this after ten, twenty, or even more years.

Elena: “I don't think it's worth going back, - it's not for nothing that they say that a broken cup cannot be glued together. And the relationship, anyway, will not be the same, trust has already been broken. "

Ravil: “I can argue on this topic ... my wife and I parted, having lived together for 5 years, then we did not communicate for almost a year, and then it turned out that we started dating again. And now we have strong marriage and growing up small, I can say that the relationship has become stronger and even more tender, we have been living for 9 years already. "

Marina: “They don't enter the same river twice, my grandmother told me. My husband and I tried and it only got worse, all the negativity was remembered ... so it's better to tear up completely and fall in love with a new person. "

Vyacheslav: “If you really love a person, then you need to be able to close your eyes to something and give each other a second chance. My girlfriend and I parted twice before the wedding, and for quite a while. long terms, but each time we understood that we still love each other. These are the "slow-witted" we are, but it's not in vain, we recently played a wedding, I'm the happiest! "

As practice shows, neither the amount of time elapsed after the breakup, nor the reason, nor new family and even children cannot interfere with the reunion. But remember that the second try will succeed happy ending you both have to do your best.

Traditional reasons for renewing a relationship

People who decide to converge again can be conditionally divided into several groups, let's take a closer look at them.

The first group - couples who could not survive the separation, people simply are not finished emotional relationship... In such cases, partners mentally with each other or can even communicate, despite the preponderance of negative emotions and even if both are already in a new relationship. The thought of returning and the hope for a happy future does not leave their heads.

The second group of people is distinguished by a constant struggle for power. When they get married, they constantly prove to each other who is in charge here, which becomes the reason for the breakup. But when they disperse, they grow up a little and understand that it is necessary to give in, learn to give, be able to take responsibility and negotiate - having realized all this, they have a desire to correct mistakes and start living with their former lover in a new way.

The third group, perhaps the most common, is people who want to get back in a relationship out of fear of loneliness. Female half thinks: "the years go by, who needs me, it's better with him than alone." And men: "It is still unknown which one will be caught, but with this one everything is familiar."

Well, the fourth is closed by partners who want to reunite because of the children, financial situation, loan or mortgage or job loss.

When can you expect to be successful?

To begin with, answer the question as honestly as possible - why do you want to return? If this is still a banal fear of being left alone, nostalgia for the past, resentment that no one has been found yet, or the hope that your partner has changed, then you should be disappointed - the forecast will be disappointing and unfavorable.

But if you realized that you have lost a truly close, dear person due to stupidity, character or inexperience, then this reason is already more real, however, both partners should think so, because you will not be cute forcibly.

Also, the likelihood that everything will work out, albeit from the second time, increases if the relationship is ready to go to a new level, for example, if the partners did not want children earlier, but are now completely ready, or they used to live in a civil marriage, and now they are thinking to combine officially.

And of course, sure sign a successful outcome is the pronoun “we” and the fact that people have not forgotten how to say it - if after separation one can hear in thoughts and words: “We will cope, we will try, we will succeed, we will be able to”, then success is guaranteed.

Is it possible to start everything from scratch?

The words “start from scratch” should not be taken literally, since it is really impossible to enter the same river.

If you don’t learn to negotiate, don’t stop manipulating the feelings of the other, don’t analyze the nuances that led you to a breakup, then old problems will come up anyway. Therefore, it is better to immediately set yourself up for long, serious and painstaking work - first of all, on yourself. Necessary actions:

Discuss as much as possible all the moments that you didn’t like, annoy or become a stumbling block, now your task is to find a compromise for each.

If you find it difficult to negotiate, use classic exercise"Deal". On a piece of paper, write a list of your expectations from your partner, and then go through the points and find out what you are ready to go for and what you fundamentally disagree with. You should come to the conclusion that, for example, a woman, although she will do what is unpleasant for her (but important for her husband), she will receive equal compensation as compensation - the husband will be what is important to her, but he does not really like it, for example , a banal trip to the mother-in-law, in exchange for fishing.
It is better to discuss all the little things right away, as they say on the shore: where you will live, how you will spend your holidays and weekends, who will take the children to school and who will perform what household chores.
Say "No" to past grievances and don't remember any more. Choose one day and say everything, everything that touched or hurt you before, do not interrupt each other and try to understand your partner, promising each other not to mention the past again.
If the root cause was cheating, then it’s important to start rebuilding trust. A person who makes a mistake must help a partner - it can be conversations, and promises, and openness, and availability, for example, in his power to refuse business trips or attending parties.

As you can see, the second attempt is quite possible in a relationship, but based on the above, only if both partners are ready to reconsider their behavior and attitude, work on themselves and begin to listen more carefully and understand each other.

- this is not a river ”- those who do not mind the renewal of a romantic relationship with a former partner can answer. In general, people are divided into those who fundamentally do not practice second attempts, since they do not believe in their success, those who wait for their former love to change their minds and return to them, and those who, in principle, do not mind trying again. Today I want to talk about when to get along with an ex is bad idea, and in which - no.

It doesn't make sense to converge with the ex / ex:

if you systematically changed- this is not a one-time clouding of mind or a mistake committed in a drunken stupor; regular is a pattern of behavior that a person has developed towards you. No matter what he says now, seeking the renewal of your relationship, it is naive to believe that the pattern of behavior will not return.
If you broke up because of irreconcilable differences and nothing changed... If you have former partner the views on the main components did not coincide and do not coincide so far living together: where to live, to marry or not, whether to have children, who should work, and who should take care of the house, etc., then it makes no sense to converge, no matter how much you and he would like it.
If reason for parting is still standing between you or may come up at any moment. It so happens that couples work out the reason or it, so to speak, eliminates itself - then you can make another attempt. But if you know that the reason has not gone anywhere, then the end of this relationship will be very similar to the first parting.
If the main reason you're willing to return to your ex is fear of a relationship with a new person... Tell yourself why you thought about dating your ex? Often the reason is that you already know each other, are used to each other, feel safe, and expect no surprises. But between the former and the new potential partner there is a big difference- with the first one you did not succeed once, and this darkens the prospects of your future, and the other person is, the chances of success with whom you have at least one more attempt.

It makes sense to get along with the ex / ex:

After long break during which each had a different relationship. John Gray describes this well in his books, the essence of his thoughts is as follows: if, after parting with a partner, we do not see him for several years, live our own life, and, most importantly, try to build relationships with other people, we learn, change, evolve. In the process of our development, we can consciously or unconsciously outgrow the problems that led to the separation, therefore, when former partners meet again, they not only discover mutual attraction, but also feel the changes that have occurred in each of them. Perhaps this second attempt has the best chance of success.
If you yourself do not understand why you parted... Not all relationships end with a bold and clear point for everyone - sometimes they can end only because circumstances were unsuccessful or no one fought to maintain the relationship, because both were busy with something else. I'm not sure if I am formulating the thought correctly, but if you cannot name the reason why you broke up, but you can name at least one why you should get together, you can try.
If you ready to work on ourselves and make efforts to develop relationships. Sometimes couples who really want to get back together - there are feelings, there is passion, and this is understandable - decide to just close their eyes to the problems that caused them, and repeat the same a second time. These mistakes are given to us in order to learn, and I believe that if both partners are ready for conscious growth within the couple, if the desire to be together is not just strong, but also for development, then getting along with the ex is not a mistake, but work on errors that may be.

Dear readers and readers, I am very interested to know your opinion on the topic of the article. Do you think it is worthwhile to agree with your ex, is there a definite answer, or does it all depend on the specific situation? Leave your opinion in the comments, please.

The fact is that the possible “second wave of love” is even more powerful than the falling in love of the first months of our acquaintance! So, first of all, you should make sure that you are not swirled in an emotional whirlwind too much, so that both of you do not commit rash acts that you can later regret. This, for example, can be the conception of another child or a new joint business - such ideas during such a period are not the best choice, and it would be wiser to wait for a more stable phase in the relationship. This does not mean that the “tidal wave” of passion and excitement should be completely ignored. Of course, enjoy it - it's very nice, but both keep your finger on the pulse.

Take care of yourself

The remaining resentment, trauma, anger and anger at your ex is, on the one hand, quite normal, because you both had to go through a lot. But, if these old wounds do not rush to turn into scars, but interfere with you, if they, like ghosts, constantly loom in everyday situations, if they continue to hurt and even cause a desire to take revenge, you should take it seriously and take care of your psychological state... The two of you can go to a family counselor or try individual psychotherapy - for the spouse who feels that everything is still ill.

Don't remember the break itself

The temptation to reproach your spouse with the fact that you had to go through a breakup because of him is very great, especially in moments of quarrels (and they will certainly be, because the reunion of a couple is not a magic pill for all past problems). But this should be avoided whenever possible. First, the partner has gone through a lot too. It is not so important who exactly was the initiator of the breakup and why everything happened that way - in the end, both have endured and both deserve sympathy. Secondly, and most importantly, the abuse of such reproaches can lead to the fact that both you and your husband will regret your decision to get back together. So, if your memories of the very period of separation and its reason still hurt you, treat them more carefully: think it over yourself or “take” to a friend or friend, mother, specialist. But don't blame your partner.

Focus on the good things in your relationship.

Western family consultants believe that even if such good things were not enough, for example, no more than 10%, it is still a very worthy base for further changes. But surely there was much more good in your pair! Try to remember this: how you met, how you liked each other and why you fell in love, where you went, how you were fooling around, and how many sweet and touching moments in your life together. Do not forget to remember what your partner has, his personal qualities, for which you chose him!

It's great if these memories are shared: for example, arrange an exchange of memories in the evening over a glass of wine. All this may well become a cement for the relationship, which will help to relate positively to this new attempt, will keep you together.

Thank each other

Gratitude is very pleasant and tender feeling... It is able to heal many wounds, both yours and your loved one. Say "thank you" more often, because there are, in fact, a lot of reasons for this: for the fact that he is so attentive to you, for being with you, for his participation in your affairs, for love and care, for patience and understanding. Yes, just because you have it.

Create new shared memories

Shared experiences are essential to any relationship. In a couple reunited after breaking up, part of it shared experiences, unfortunately, has acquired a negative connotation. That is why you, like air, need new positive impressions. Dark colors it is desirable to "cover" the past with more joyful and light shades the present. For this, trips to new places, new joint hobby, training courses, some new projects. Spend more time with your children, come up with something interesting and enjoyable that has not been in your life before. Replenish your "experience library"!

To reconsider means, firstly, to take an inventory: is what you agreed on and what was meant at the very beginning of the relationship that is still relevant today? You may have changed roles or family composition. Perhaps you yourself have changed a lot, and now you need something completely different from your partner. Perhaps parting taught you something, and now it is necessary to speak out new wishes and expectations.

Make the right conclusions

The fact that you decided to be together again does not mean that all the problems and roughnesses that were in the relationship disappeared on their own, or now you just need to forget about them. On the contrary, it is better to use a different tactic here: use your separation and reunion as a "reset point". Think about what did not suit you before, what caused you (possibly) to split up: in a relationship, in yourself, in a partner, in different joint situations.

Draw conclusions from this: something must be corrected, because it is impossible to endure any longer and you don’t want to, and some things will obviously not change, so you have to learn to treat it differently or just accept it as it is. Offer to do the same "work on mistakes" and the newfound partner. It will be very useful for both of you!

Apologize and admit your mistakes.

This point directly follows from the previous one: the fact is that even if only one person decided to break off relations and it is mainly one person who is to blame for this, there is always a contribution of both to common problems. This contribution can be different, and it can be difficult to recognize it out loud in front of a partner. But sincerely excuse and the willingness to work on your mistakes is very important. This is the balm that is simply necessary for two wounded hearts. Let each other feel that even though you hurt you, you regret it and are ready to change.

Make plans for the future

It's not just about which summer camp will the children go or which refrigerator to choose, and what would you both want to see in your joint future, and what would be better to avoid? How can you both improve your relationship? How do you plan to move forward and in what direction? Discuss.

Talk and listen

This is very common advice, but just as commonplace, many couples continue to ignore it. Meanwhile, this is the psychotherapeutic function of relationships - the ability to share with your partner your feelings about what is happening between you, and give each other verbal feedback.

This is the very "glue" that gives people the ability to cope with crises, shocks, with the usual daily routine. You will definitely be able to avoid so many problems if you periodically talk - honestly, sincerely, heart to heart.

In general, all these recommendations describe one simple thing: people choose each other for a reason. And if you have already been together for some (possibly a very long) time, then your partner and your relationship are worth making every effort to restore them.

Let it all work out!

Maria Vasilieva

seasons.agency / Jalag / Lennard, Jonathan Photo: Fotodom fotoimedia / Ingram Date: 07 December 2016

Separations, unfortunately, do occur, and breakups can happen with every couple. And it really hurts. The whole world ceases to exist. However, is it worth, having survived parting with a loved one, some time later to renew the relationship with him? Indeed, in some cases, people ask the question: was this really so important? Maybe it's worth making up and trying to start all over again? After all, in principle, he is not so bad. Otherwise, why start dating him? So, before deciding on reconciliation, you need to think through some details.

Who is to blame and why

No matter how trivial it may seem, but in any case, whatever one may say, in parting with a loved one there is always someone to blame. And if the only reason to such a separation served misbehavior this beloved, then, most likely, he is the only culprit of what happened. And if a man came with an apology and promises that this will not happen again, then you should always remember only one thing: actions speak much louder than words.

Is it possible to

After it was found out who was ultimately to blame for parting with a loved one, you need to ask the following question. Is it possible to forgive him for what he did. If the reason for the separation was either a partner, then is it possible to trust this person again and start life anew? Will he be able to reform, and is he really full of remorse. If the words seem insincere, then don't even try. He hasn't changed.

Resentment

Also requires an indispensable answer and such a question as whether there were insults from the former lover, no matter what kind: physical, emotional, and even economic (i.e. financial). If so, then you shouldn't even think and reason. With such a person it is impossible in any case to continue to coexist, which means that parting with a loved one it was not in vain. People rarely change their cruel and radical treatment for a more affectionate and tolerant character. Even if they swear they will never do it. As for domestic violence, it only grows over time.

Advantages

Are there any benefits and advantages from cohabitation with a former lover? It should be remembered that sometimes there is a kind of exhalation of relationships due to life circumstances or some difficult times. But if you get back together, then what happens if similar situations happen again? What if an owl has financial circumstances that led to separation, or the birth of a child, or illness of relatives. If a person was not able to survive this, then he will never change. And at the first problem that arises, it will slip away again.

fair point

To find out true reason breaking up relations, it is necessary to carefully analyze what happened in Lately... Only in this and in no other way it will not work out honestly, as if from the outside to evaluate the reasons for the separation. It is easy to remember the good and forget the bad, especially as time goes on. However, where is the guarantee that everything will be completely different?

In such a situation, it would be nice to enlist the support of friends. They tend to look at things from the side and with an open mind, and besides, they are less nervous in the current situation. They will be able to tell what the relationship looked like from the outside, who offended whom and became the true culprit of the tragedy. Through their objective gaze, you can find out what they think about reunification and whether it is possible. Or is it better to forget everything and move on.

Gut

The life of each person depends on himself. Therefore, before deciding on a desperate step, you need to ask your heart, mind, soul, etc., whether it is worth restoring a relationship or running where to go. Of course, ideally, such a question is better to ask your sanity. It is this eternal voice in my head that will give a hint: run or stay.

It's easier

You should make sure completely that there is no desire to return to it for only one reason: because it is easier. This is one of the most common reasons why people reunite. It's much easier than finding a new fan. But just because it is easy does not mean at all that it is correct and expedient.

Yes or no

If two people decide to come together, then it is necessary to bury past grievances and everything connected with them. In other words, start life with blank slate... If a decision is made about the final separation, then you need to get rid of all memories, fall in love with yourself again, and also start realizing your own interests, constantly reminding yourself why a connection is impossible.

Despite our strong belief that it is impossible to return the past, life is sometimes able to prove the opposite, again pushing once again couples in love, as if giving them a second chance. But is it worth it to use and revive old feelings? Is it worth returning to a relationship after a breakup? Can you find true happiness with your ex?

Enough time has passed to cry tears, listen to the sympathetic words and advice of all the girlfriends, pick up and pronounce the most angry words, though not aloud, but with an inner monologue, and even take a terrible oath: “That's it! Now I will never feel sorry for men, listen, try to understand, forgive, I will only do what I want myself! " Along with this decision, consolation gradually came, the future ceased to seem hopeless and it seemed that something even began to improve.

And suddenly an echo sounded from the past, recalling everything that had already been experienced. How? There could be several situations. If you happen to experience a breakup with your beloved in this way, and then suddenly collide with him on the street or see his number displayed on the phone display, of course, your heart will skip.

But do not rush to run across the street or drop his call. Maybe not all is lost yet? How to behave in this case? It all depends on the circumstances. After all, it also happens that two people end a relationship by mutual decision.

Unexpected call

You have, of course, removed his name and number from your contacts on your phone. But not from the heart. And it beat faster, as soon as you saw this painfully familiar number on the display. And the first thought: "Why is he calling?" And the options may be different.

1. He left you - harshly and even cruelly and, probably, decided that now you hated all men without exception, and then he saw you in a cafe with former classmate- a handsome man who once drove all the graduates of your school crazy. Of course, he could not have known that you discussed with him the organization of the meeting of the graduates of your class, recalling long-standing amusing incidents and rolling in laughter like crazy. Why did he dial your number? Perhaps he wanted to make sure that you are still "drying" on it, or maybe he regretted that he treated you ugly. But, most likely, the sense of the owner “worked” here: “How? Does she continue to live after me? "

In no case do not carry on conversations with him, do not try to sort things out and do not give him a chance to get into your life again. You decided for yourself that everything is in the past!

Politely but firmly tell him that you are busy, and if he starts to "hang noodles on your ears," you can emphasize that for him you will now always be busy.

2. If your decision to leave was mutual, and you remained friends, his call may simply mean idle curiosity: "How is she there now?"

Since you do not lose anything, continuing to just be friends with him, talk, tell about what is happening in your life, ask what is new with him and listen carefully. An extra friend in life never hurts.

A chance meeting with him

What to do if you suddenly, by chance, meet him on the street, and even together with some special person, realizing that this is his new passion?

Try to pull yourself together, portray the sincere joy of meeting an old friend and, of course, ask to introduce you to his companion.
You can even talk to him a little without going into details, describe in general outline your wonderful and happy life.
Try to ask him more: about your mutual acquaintances or his relatives whom you know.
You should not stretch the "pleasure" from a long conversation on the street - in extreme cases, refer to being busy and leave this "ring" with pleasant smile and head held high.

If you can't cope with your emotions and make it clear that you are upset when meeting him with the one who has already replaced you, it will work against you. Worse can only be some claims made to his face or hurtful words... This will further convince him that he did the right thing by breaking up with you, and further relationship with you would not bring him anything good. How can you be with such a vindictive and unrestrained girl!

A chance meeting with his friend (relative)

You can accidentally meet not only your ex, but also someone from those people who were aware of your past relationship: his friend or relative.

How unbearable you want to bombard your interlocutor with questions about him: how is he doing, has he found a replacement for you, how is he doing at work? But don't ask about anything yourself, but tell us how wonderful your life is now. However, it is not worthwhile to talk in detail about your personal life, or to fantasize in the same detail, a light hint is enough, even if you will be asked direct questions.

When communicating with people somehow connected with him, keep your ears open, and if you feel that the conversation may take on an unpleasant shade for you, just laugh it off and say goodbye.

Someone else's wedding

Imagine that when you have barely recovered from everything that you have experienced, suffered, you suddenly find out that he is ... getting married! A scene from some melodramatic series immediately appears in my head: here he is standing at the altar or in front of a table covered with a red tablecloth, where there is a book in which he must put his signature, that is, sign that now he is no longer on any side your. But in last moment when all those present with tears of affection in their eyes expect a resolute “Yes” from him, he still says “No!”, turns his back on the bride and guests, stretching out his hands to you!

Wake up! This only happens in melodramas, and in bad ones. And in life, of course, he will put his signature in that very book - and that's it! There will be no more hope for you. So stop even thinking about this wedding. You have nothing to do with her. And if suddenly (which, of course, is unlikely!) He himself invites you to this unforgettable celebration, do not try to agree to go there. Even if you think that all feelings for him have died long ago and are safely buried, the situation on this holiday of love and happiness may turn out to be such that your nerves will not stand it and you will not be able to properly control your emotions.

This can only be dreamed of in a nightmare (or happy?) Dream. But if it really happened in reality - a year after the end of your novel, you met by chance and ...

Whatever events preceded your "downfall", treat it as an annoying mistake that you will never repeat. And do not flatter yourself, hoping that now he is definitely sorry that he lost you. On the contrary, drench your dreams ice water memories that you are now strangers.

Now imagine that he may not mind continuing your relationship, but not at the same level, but at the current one. Non-binding and not requiring anything in return, "friendly sex" - replacing casual sex - is the dream of many men who are not going to commit themselves to a serious relationship.

Admit it to yourself: do you need it? You just recently swore that you would only do what you want yourself. Didn't your love affair with him teach you that you can be compliant and obedient only with the man you fully trust, with the one who has earned this trust? Forget about what happened to you by accident. It was a mistake. And none of living people is immune from mistakes.

Leaving go

You broke up a few years ago. He married successfully, and you stayed with your common child, and personal life something is not working out. The ex-husband comes to visit his son or daughter from time to time - he has the right, because it is difficult to raise children without a father. He does homework with the child, teaches him something, repairs something in your house. And when the child is not at home, you have sex with him.

The ex is not going to return to you, he has his own obligations in relation to new wife, but you do not require it from him. Everything suits you. And this can go on for a very long time. Don't be fooled. You get used to the illusion full family- at least on weekends - but your relationship has no future.

Have a serious talk with. Let him meet his son on neutral territory: leads him to entertainment centers, walks, talks, but do not bother you and do not interfere with you to arrange your personal life.

Maybe again

If you broke up with a man, despite the fact that you were fine with him, and lately, both of you are increasingly thinking that reconciliation between you is possible, before deciding to resume the relationship, check your feelings. What drives you this time? Longing and loneliness? The desire to show off together at a friend's wedding or really deep feeling, which is tested and past relationships, and now a long separation?

Analyze why you had conflicts, and discuss all the conditions under which you will no longer quarrel and take offense at each other. And if you agree, try to start over. After all, any relationship involves mutual concessions, and real happiness comes when two consciously strive to make better not their own lives, but the life of a loved one.

Despite our strong belief that it is impossible to return the past, life is sometimes able to prove the opposite, again pushing once again couples in love, as if giving them a second chance. But is it worth using it and reviving old feelings? Is it worth returning to a relationship after a breakup? Can you find true happiness with your ex?

Unexpected call

1. He left you - harshly and even cruelly and, probably, decided that now you hated all men without exception, and then he saw you in a cafe with a former classmate - a handsome man who once drove all the graduates of your school crazy. Of course, he could not have known that you discussed with him the organization of the meeting of the graduates of your class, recalling long-standing amusing incidents and rolling in laughter like crazy. Why did he dial your number? Perhaps he wanted to make sure that you are still "drying" on it, or maybe he regretted that he treated you ugly. But, most likely, the sense of the owner “worked” here: “How? Does she continue to live after me? "

In no case do not carry on conversations with him, do not try to sort things out and do not give him a chance to get into your life again. You decided for yourself that everything is in the past!

Politely but firmly tell him that you are busy, and if he starts to "hang noodles on your ears," you can emphasize that for him you will now always be busy.

2. If your decision to leave was mutual, and you remained friends, his call may simply mean idle curiosity: "How is she there now?"

A chance meeting with him

What to do if you suddenly, by chance, meet him on the street, and even together with some special person, realizing that this is his new passion?

Try to pull yourself together, portray the sincere joy of meeting an old friend and, of course, ask to introduce you to his companion.
You can even talk to him a little, without going into details, describe in general terms your wonderful and happy life.
Try to ask him more: about your mutual acquaintances or his relatives whom you know.
It is not worth prolonging the "pleasure" from a long conversation on the street - as a last resort, refer to being busy and leave this "ring" with a pleasant smile and head held high.

If you can't cope with your emotions and make it clear that you are upset when meeting him with the one who has already replaced you, it will work against you. Worse can only be expressed in his face any claims or offensive words. This will further convince him that he did the right thing by breaking up with you, and further relationship with you would not bring him anything good. How can you be with such a vindictive and unrestrained girl!

A chance meeting with his friend (relative)

You can accidentally meet not only your ex, but also someone from those people who were aware of your old relationships: his friend or relative.

When communicating with people somehow connected with him, keep your ears open, and if you feel that the conversation may take on an unpleasant shade for you, just laugh it off and say goodbye.

Someone else's wedding

Imagine that when you have barely recovered from everything that you have experienced, suffered, you suddenly find out that he is ... getting married! A scene from some melodramatic series immediately appears in my head: here he is standing at the altar or in front of a table covered with a red tablecloth, where there is a book in which he must put his signature, that is, sign that now he is no longer on any side your. But at the last moment, when all those present with tears of affection in their eyes expect a decisive “Yes” from him, he still says “No!”, Turns his back on the bride and guests, stretching out his hands to you!

This can only be dreamed of in a nightmare (or happy?) Dream. But if it really happened in reality - a year after the end of your novel, you met by chance and ...

Whatever events preceded your "downfall", treat it as an annoying mistake that you will never repeat. And do not flatter yourself, hoping that now he is definitely sorry that he lost you. On the contrary, shower your dreams with the icy water of memories that you are now strangers.

Leaving go

You broke up a few years ago. He married successfully, and you stayed with your common child, and personal life is not getting better. The ex-husband comes to visit his son or daughter from time to time - he has the right, because it is difficult to raise children without a father. He does homework with the child, teaches him something, repairs something in your house. And when the child is not at home, you have sex with him.

The ex is not going to return to you, he has his own obligations in relation to the new spouse, but you do not demand this from him. Everything suits you. And this can go on for a very long time. Don't be fooled. You get used to the illusion of a complete family - at least on weekends - but your relationship has no future.

Have a serious conversation with ex-husband... Let him meet with his son on neutral territory: take him to entertainment centers, walk, talk, but do not bother you and do not interfere with your personal life.

Maybe again

If you broke up with a man, despite the fact that you were fine with him, and lately, both of you are increasingly thinking that reconciliation between you is possible, before deciding to resume the relationship, check your feelings. What drives you this time? Longing and loneliness? The desire to show off together at a friend's wedding or a really deep feeling that has been tested both by past relationships and now by a long separation?

The fact is that the possible “second wave of love” is even more powerful than the falling in love of the first months of our acquaintance! So, first of all, you should make sure that you are not swirled in an emotional whirlwind too much, so that both of you do not commit rash acts that you can later regret. This, for example, can be the conception of another child or a new joint business - such ideas in such a period are not the most the best choice, and it would be wiser to wait for a more stable phase in the relationship. This does not mean that the “tidal wave” of passion and excitement should be completely ignored. Of course, enjoy it - it's very nice, but both keep your finger on the pulse.

Take care of yourself

The remaining resentment, trauma, anger and anger at your ex is, on the one hand, quite normal, because you both had to go through a lot. But, if these old wounds do not rush to turn into scars, but interfere with you, if they, like ghosts, constantly loom in daily situations, if they continue to hurt and even cause a desire to take revenge, you should take it seriously and take care of your psychological state. The two of you can go to a family counselor or try individual psychotherapy - for the spouse who feels that everything is still ill.

Don't remember the break itself

Focus on the good things in your relationship.

It's great if these memories are shared: for example, arrange an exchange of memories in the evening over a glass of wine. All of this may well become the cement for the relationship, which will help to relate positively to this new attempt, to keep you together.

Thank each other

Gratitude is a very pleasant and tender feeling. It is able to heal many wounds, both yours and your loved one. Say "thank you" more often, because there are, in fact, a lot of reasons for this: for the fact that he is so attentive to you, for being with you, for his participation in your affairs, for love and care, for patience and understanding. Yes, just because you have it.

Create new shared memories

Shared experiences are essential to any relationship. In the couple reunited after the breakup, some of this shared experience unfortunately took on a negative connotation. That is why you, like air, need new positive impressions. It is desirable to “overlap” the dark colors of the past with more joyful and lighter shades of the present. For this, trips to new places, a new joint hobby, training courses, and some new projects are suitable. Spend more time with your children, come up with something interesting and enjoyable that has not been in your life before. Replenish your "experience library"!

To reconsider means, firstly, to take an inventory: is what you agreed on and what was implied at the very beginning of the relationship still relevant today? You may have changed roles or family composition. Perhaps you yourself have changed a lot, and now you need something completely different from your partner. Perhaps parting taught you something, and now it is necessary to speak out new wishes and expectations.

Make the right conclusions

Apologize and admit your mistakes.

This point directly follows from the previous one: the fact is that even if only one person decided to break off relations and it is mainly one person who is to blame for this, there is always a contribution of both to common problems. This contribution can be different, and it can be difficult to recognize it out loud in front of a partner. But sincere apologies and the willingness to work on your mistakes are very important. This is the balm that is simply necessary for two wounded hearts. Let each other feel that even though you hurt you, you regret it and are ready to change.

Make plans for the future

It's not only about which summer camp the children will go to or which refrigerator to choose, but about what you both want to see in your future together, and what would be better to avoid? How can you both improve your relationship? How do you plan to move forward and in what direction? Discuss.

Talk and listen

Overall, these guidelines all describe one simple thing: people do not choose each other by chance. And if you have already been together for some (possibly a very long) time, then your partner and your relationship are worth making every effort to restore them.

Let it all work out!

Almost half of all divorced couples try to give themselves another chance, and science has an explanation for this phenomenon. Previously, it was believed that you cannot enter the same river twice. But now scientists are sure that when the right approach reunion might not be such a bad idea.

Why are divorced couples trying to reunite?

A classic example has long been known when divorced couples converge and even legitimize the relationship again. The partner who initiated the divorce hopes that living alone and suffering from loss have taught him a lot. The reunited couple hope that they will both be smarter now. Not so long ago, scientists have found another reason associated with the separation. According to experts, the overwhelming majority of couples are trying to restore relations, since they are not completely sure of the correctness of the desire to divorce. Apparently, people break up under the influence of impulses and momentary decisions. Very often this is due to the discovery of the fact of treason. However, over time, the partners realize that they have jumped to conclusions.

Prose conclusions

There seems to be nothing more sensible than trying to stay away from your ex-spouse after a divorce. However, some people do have arguments that allow them to think about reunion. In 2013, staff at the University of Kansas found that nearly half of all divorced couples reconnect at some point after breaking up. These attempts may not be successful, but there are positive examples... More often than not, people assume that their partner has changed during the time of separation and hope to improve communication in general. It's no secret that a lack of healthy communication often wipes out relationships.

Habit or fear of being alone?

In a new study published in the journal Socio-Psychological and Personal Science, researchers from the University of Utah and the University of Toronto asked respondents about the reasons for separation and reunion. People who are more optimistic believe that their partner will change, so they try to re-establish the connection. The survey revealed other conditions for reunification, among which the most common are emotional investments in relationships (when love has not yet passed), family responsibilities(having common children), as well as fear of the unknown. Most people (66 percent) said they would like to stay together because of the intimacy and codependency that has emerged over the course of long period living together.

Why do people decide to divorce?

If we talk about the reasons for the divorce, the list is also extensive. People part for lack emotional closeness, lack of trust and frequent quarrels... More than a third of respondents (38 percent) said that they could not forgive treason. In spite of negative feelings to a spouse, almost half of the participants (49 percent) do not exclude the possibility of reunification. The researchers note that the results are consistent with reality, as statistics show that about 50 percent of couples converge again after divorce.

The decision to break up isn't easy.

Experts emphasize that the decision to leave is not easy, and if one of the spouses doubts, then sooner or later these doubts will make themselves felt. This duality explains why such a large number of the pairs eventually converge again. Here is what Noel Nelson, Ph.D. and author of books, psychologist, says about this: “Not yet serious problems such as abusive behavior or selfishness, relationships may have a second chance. Communication is the foundation of success. "

If you are considering a reunion, be honest with yourself and consider all possible motives. Don't go back to ex-spouse just because they are alone. Don't come back because you are sad or think you will never meet again worthy person... Look for a good reason, and when you find one, use the experience of your first marriage to prevent future mistakes.