Hospitals 

There are no common themes with my wife. No common interests with the guy

A classic problem that a couple has a few months, and sometimes years after marriage. When you met, he seemed very cool and interesting to you, such as you will not find with fire during the day. And so time passes, you suddenly realize that the two of you are bored... While he watches football, you do handicrafts, while he talks about working days, you think about training, while he plans your vacation in the forest, you dream about shopping, etc. As a result, it turns out that you are interested in one thing, while he is interested in something completely different. This leads to the fact that you spend a lot of time separately, each doing what he likes. The time spent together often comes down to short conversations, a silent woman or a simple common philistine. Of course, the situation described is a little exaggerated, but in many respects it corresponds to reality.

  • Love has passed. As long as there is a feeling of falling in love, we do not notice the flaws and big difference in the interest. They combine feelings, interest in each other. As soon as it passes, the difference becomes noticeable. This is the most common reason.
  • Interests have changed. They can change both for one person and for both spouses. As a rule, they change under the influence of friends, as they grow up and change in values ​​and priorities.
  • The influence of everyday life. Life eats up feelings - these words are probably familiar to you. In the endless chain of "home-work-home-work" people lose the desire to do something and be interested.
  • The appearance of a child. The baby becomes the main interest of a woman, everything else often fades into the background. At this time, the man has everything as before. The result is different interests.
  • Change of social circle. When you or your husband make new acquaintances, it leads to a subconscious interest in what new friends are doing and living. In turn, this leads to the emergence of new hobbies.

As a result, there is the following situation: you want to improve relations again, to find a general pleasant
business, but you do not know how to do it. Each of you lives in his own little world, does his own thing, and feelings slowly fade away under the pressure of everyday life. If you don't want to continue like this, take everything into your own hands and urgently correct the situation!

The first thing you need to do is get your husband's attention. Change something about your appearance, demonstrate new habits (pleasant ones), change your behavior or schedule. Become his new interest yourself. This is very effective option... Seeing the changes, he will certainly want to know more, which means that you are on the right track.

Your second step will be to analyze his interests.... Find out what fascinates him the most, what he spends a lot of time on. And put emphasis on it, slightly altering it in your own way. Do you like football? Put on the uniform of his favorite team and seduce forward! Do you like computer games? Buy him the one he played about for a long time, and try to play with him: if not in a team, then just support and hurt. Lover of delicious food? Surprise him with culinary experiments. Start simple - add new ingredients to your everyday meals. Talking about work all the time and really loves it? Listen carefully, ask questions, show that you care. It will be good if you remember the names of several of his colleagues and can even maintain a conversation in the style of “How are you doing with Serezha? Is he no longer sulking at you for the project you have taken away? " Let your husband understand that he is also interesting to you. This is the backbone of the basics.

Your next step will be a peaceful conversation with your husband.... Find out what he would like to do in free time what I would like to devote you to (for example, in the subtleties computer game). Tell him your wishes too. It's good if you find something in common. In most cases, however, a compromise will have to be made.

It is very important not to go too far. ... Doing something interesting every day is not necessary - it is tiring and unlikely to bring desired result... Therefore, going to the cinema on Monday, fishing on Tuesday, shopping on Wednesday, football on Thursday, etc. no need.

Compromise nuances

When looking for common interests, you must understand that no one should be disadvantaged. If you compromise, then equally. Here are the best options:


It is very important that you learn not only to listen to each other, but also to hear... When your words are answered not by the duty "yeah", but by a lively reaction, you want to spend more time with such a person, to reach out to him.

Sometimes the solution lies in a rather unusual approach for such a situation. Try to live apart for a while, if possible. You may need to take some time to sort yourself out. In addition, a little separation will help you get bored: you and your husband will reunite with refreshed feelings, with a new outlook on things. The main thing is to do it by mutual consent and on a pleasant note.

Alarming signs

When the question of absence arises common interests, you have to figure out whether this problem is far-fetched or real. What should alert you:

  • Suddenness ... If everything went well, and then your husband announced that you have no common interests, this is at least strange.
  • Husband's unwillingness to look for a way out of the situation ... This may indicate either his selfishness, or that it is not profitable for him to establish relationships, to look for those very unifying interests. Perhaps because in this way he plays the role of a victim and therefore can receive more.
  • Lack of common interests is a reason for scandals and the first step to divorce ... If you notice such a trend, you need to seriously talk. And not about interests, but about your relationship in general.

There may be a completely different situation. Perhaps your husband is already satisfied with everything, he is happy with what he has. The issue of lack of common interests is focused only around your desires and thoughts, your assessment of your life. In this case, just look for a new hobby and share your impressions with your husband. This will force him to become a part of something fun in your life and at the same time not strain too much.

In general, it is possible that the search for common interests may not be needed by either of you. Assess its feasibility and necessity. If you feel good and so, do not waste your energy and time, but enjoy family happiness.

On-line consultation

It seems that I have fallen out of love with my husband - we have no common interests; I don't want to have sex with my husband. How to keep your family together?

I have a problem with my husband. Recently I met a work colleague on Skype, started talking, he is 11 years older than me (we didn’t talk about anything like that, it’s just interesting for me to talk to him as a friend). And after talking with him, I began to talk about my family life that I have not loved my husband for a long time, that we are completely different, that we have no common interests and hobbies. I thought about it before, but I thought that this was a crisis in the family, that I just needed to wait it out (I have been married for 6.5 years, I have a child for 3 years). Frequent quarrels began due to sexual relations(I am not turned on by my spouse and I come up with every time different reasons for refusal), the husband is angry, there is also financial difficulties in family. Now I'm thinking about a divorce, but my husband doesn't even know about my intention, he thinks that everything is fine with us. Please tell me why my relationship with my once beloved has changed and to a loved one? I would not want to ruin a family and deceive a child a full-fledged family... In general, I am already completely confused in myself and in our relationship. Zhinka, 24 rocky

View:

Married life can be compared to a flower bed. Grow on it different flowers and they all need one thing - care. If these flowers are not watered, cleaned, fed, then over time they wither. So that a beautiful flower bed does not turn into thickets, it is necessary to start caring for the flowers before they die. At the beginning married life almost all married couples all areas of their life (sexual, material, emotional) do not cause special problems since the hormonal surge associated with falling in love, the novelty in the relationship, the ability to make concessions to each other help to go through the difficulties of adapting to each other. During this period, marriage is like a newly planted flower bed. But over time, difficulties appear in life, fatigue, disappointment, unmet expectations and dreams, boredom. All this brings the relationship into a completely different state.
When we step into marriage, of course, we do not think that it will be so with us. Our goal is happiness and we hope that everything will be different for us than for others. But in order for us to be able to cover this distance without regrets: thoughts that “I was wrong”, that “if there were another person in my spouse's place, everything would be different”, that “I deserve more” - it is important to look after the marriage relationship. It is important for you to understand that your relationship will not always be the same as it was at the beginning of your marriage. And this is right and good. Yes, your relationship can become more complicated, but it can also become more intimate. In marriage, you come so close to each other that everything that was not visible from a distance becomes obvious. Over time, the spouses do not radically change (unless there is a special God's intervention), they just begin to see each other more realistically. And here wisdom is important to understand what you need to agree to live with, and what is worth working on. Any relationship has its pros and cons, and if you pay attention only to the cons, and take the pros for granted, then we create the basis for the growth of self-pity, which destroys your personality and destroys your marriage.
There is no perfect relationship, but if we understand that marriage needs to be looked after, then we will succeed. Of course, provided that both sides will invest in it, and not live with the thought: “but everything suits me - you need you and do it”. We welcome your desire to save the family, but we want it to be not only for the sake of the child, but so that you can revive the relationship in marriage, and not live "in parallel."
You can honestly talk to your husband about how you feel (as he may feel differently). Do not blame him for becoming strangers to each other, but say that you need his help. It is important to motivate both yourself and your partner to work on the relationship. And this must be done correctly so as not to cause a defensive reaction in him.
If you need help understanding what is worth working on today, we recommend that you read the book.

Hello. My personal life has never been particularly intense. There were few guys, friends too. Several years ago I met a young man. At this time, I was worried about the rupture of past relationships, I decided, come what may, did not plan a serious relationship. But everything turned out differently, I even waited for him from the army. During this time, my parents bought me a house, or rather even us, because they treat it well. I was happy when he returned, but for work he was sent to another city and he comes only for a few days a week, and even then not always. I was alone again. I have no friends, and I do not need them much, because had a negative experience. I only need him, in fact ... He, on the contrary, is sociable and, even when he rarely comes, strives to go with me to friends or wants to invite someone to visit. I don’t like it, his friends are underwhelming. We have few interests in common with him. It's just that I'm calm, warm and pleasant with him. We sometimes began to quarrel, and I was tired of being alone .. Recently I felt that I was no longer interested. I'm tired of everything, I hardly wait for him to come ... He also says that he loves, but does not want to be only with me, he wants to be with friends too. This offends me, he is the only thing I need, and I for him, it seems, is not. Should we be together, if you can call it that, further?

Victoria

Victoria, yes you different people... But to find out if you can build a life together "for centuries", imagine your family in 10 years, for example. With children, with all the smallest details. Who does what. Who goes where, goes. Who is responsible for what. Who and how he feels. Now answer yourself if this picture suits you. If even then questions remain (and I suspect that this may be so), then come to the consultation, we will figure it out.

Hello Victoria. Would it be true my assumption that you build relationships on the principle of benefit from each other. It seems that since you "even waited from the army", now the young man owes you something? In response to your words "everything turned out differently", I have a question - was and what was your contribution, that the relationship from temporary for you passed into the stage when parents buy housing for both of you? It seems to me that you yourself are not enough in your life - you say: only he is needed, but not friends. Only at the same time he is needed on your terms - to be near and without your friends, so that you are interested. People meet on different stages life, and each with its own baggage of experience, friends, habits. Respecting this in a partner and making compromises are one of the components of a couple.

Hello Victoria. Of course, it's up to you to decide whether to be together. You are the most important expert in your own life! It is probably not easy to make a decision in your situation, when you are so tired and afraid to be alone, but at the same time, explicitly or implicitly, you are doing everything to stay alone! Friends have been excluded from their lives, the breakup of past relationships with a young man and this relationship is moving towards the same ending. It looks like you are losing some kind of worn-out record, from time to time you go according to the same scenario. When was it before in your life, when someone who is so dear to you, with whom you were calm, warm and pleasant, left you? Perhaps since then you think that you deserve it, that you were to blame for this breakup and now you are punishing yourself for it ?! Are you waiting ready-made solution in that important issue, are you not thereby shifting responsibility for your life onto others? Does this not indicate a certain infantile, childish position? Men do not marry children, is this the reason for the distancing of your young man?

Victoria, hello! It is already positive that you think about compatibility with a partner now, and not later, after marriage and the birth of children. A person has one right - this is the right to choose and, having made a choice, he bears a huge responsibility before fate. You are a very responsible girl. So, in essence: 1. regarding compatibility, I recommend reading my article "The main thing is to be able to talk" TO ": http://vita-happy.ru/glavnoe-umet-razgovarivat-do/. 2. If you are both interested in serious relationship, then I recommend that you sit down with a young man and play a game: take two A4 sheets of paper, draw it into two parts. On the one hand, write what I DO NOT like about my soul mate, what I would like to change. On the other hand, write positive traits and the habits of the partner. This must be done together. Then speak (read out to each other) each point and disassemble it "on the shelves", listen to each other's arguments. As a final chord, I suggest recording on separate sheet everyone for himself: "I accept all the recommendations of my half, I undertake to work on the qualities and points. Hang the leaves in a prominent place. 3. One thing must be understood: after marriage, a woman thinks that a man will change - he DOES NOT change. After a wedding, a man thinks, that a woman will not change - she CHANGES. This is the law. And nothing can be done about it. You cannot change another. Exit: change yourself! Find friends! Start communicating! You write that books do not help, with friendship is a bad experience, maybe Then start listening to lectures by eminent psychologists, happy women... Enough to understand it, take care of yourself! A man is attracted to the open, good heart from whom he receives love, respect and feels like a hero next to him. Ask yourself the question: "Is your heart open? How full is it disinterested love? "Nobody will make you happy. MYTH:" When I get married, I will be happy. "You carry yourself everywhere and with everyone. The situation in the question can only be a projection of the main problem, I sincerely wish you new meanings and answers!

Hello Victoria! To understand feelings, you need to answer the questions yourself: Do you feel at ease with him, protected, safe? This is very important for a woman. Nothing annoys or repels you? Are your past relationships ended in your head? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship? If the scales outweigh positive side then develop a relationship! A harmonious relationship is when we respect the desires and personal space of our partner, in in this case- his communication with friends, and in your case - communication in private. A harmonious relationship can be compared to partially intersecting rings, where there are common interests and everyone is entitled to their personal desires. Second moment in harmonious relationships is a willingness to give in, compromise and give. You need to negotiate and find a compromise solution (when to communicate with friends, when together). You can come for a consultation and discuss these points with a psychologist. Also, you write that you have no friends because of negative experience, in this case, it is important to understand what is happening to you, perhaps there are deeper processes that form resentment towards a partner because he has friends, perhaps not, but in any case, you write that you are tired. Here you can recommend a personal, individual work with a psychologist. Good luck!

Common interests in a pair - not less important indicator, as the coincidence of the favorite positions of partners in sex. At least many people think so.

However, in practice, everything turns out quite differently.

So, imagine such a situation, the guy is an inveterate gambling addict, in reality nothing but red eyes and irritability remains from a person. Of course, if the girl is not the same fan of quests, then here you can put an end to the relationship. Love, as such, cannot exist, although they will talk about it and even try to correct it. If you leave everything as it is: he is married to his game, and she is on her own, with someone and somewhere, then a strange alliance turns out, don't you think?

Of course, not everyone wants to be a substitute for a hobby or a pleasant addition, here everyone chooses for himself.

However, there are also such couples where everything goes well, despite the dangerous hobby of one of the partners. There is dangerous species sport, which everyone treats as a hobby, if sport is not the main profession.

If both husband and wife are engaged in snowboarding, this does not mean that they cannot have completely different and different addictions. All this is individual, and it is hardly possible to speak objectively about such things.

The bottom line is that people cannot find common points of contact, although this is even strange: after all, when they met, the person caught something, they found a topic for conversation, and even if it all started with sex. The main thing is that people found something in common in each other, which led them to a relationship. Of course, this is sympathy and love, even sex, and maybe just communication, which does not require any kind of development - all this is either there or not.

Many couples are faced with a problem, often insoluble - a mismatch of opinions and interests, only a few are able to establish happy relationship in family. So who are they?

1. These are people who are able to compromise

We were taught from childhood that everything and always can be agreed upon, it is not necessary to hit the neighbor's boy in the face with a spatula. If a man wants to go to a bar with friends, then why not give the person an opportunity to relax. Of course, the woman receives her portion of compensation, because she so wanted him to go with her to the opening of an exhibition of abstract artists, so you can go there with your friends.

2. These are people who keep their individuality

Individuals who look in one direction are more likely to resemble a sect of the “chosen ones,” moreover, according to their interests. If a wife enjoys caring for a horse - and she visits her every weekend, rides, treats her, pays decent money because she can afford it - then the husband doesn't have to follow her everywhere.

At this time, he will discuss the peculiarities of the automotive industry with friends over a glass of beer and disassemble another masterpiece of auto art.

If a guy loves sandwiches, black tea, his cat Dusya, then he is so quite comfortable. Why would he impose a salad of seaweed, coffee, cigarettes and magazines?

In general, each person has his own inner space, where he has the right not to let even the closest person.

3. These are people who know how to be interested in each other's affairs

A couple is a couple that supports each other always and in everything. In order not to happen to a loved one and loved one, you always need to be interested in his affairs.

Unless, of course, he does not mind telling about them. Naturally, there is no need to cross the border in this, there is a point above for this. But the question "Darling, how was your day?" should sound sincere, and how can one not be sincerely interested in a loved one.

4. These are people who trust each other.

In fact, large and essential has not only respect, but also trust between partners. If a man loves motorcycle festivals, he is a fan of bikes - and, as you know, there are many half-naked women - then a woman does not need to be jealous of him if she trusts him.

5. These are people who know how to spend great time with each other.

The husband does not run off to his friends, you do not wait for Friday to sit in a cafe with your friends. None of you wants to go on vacation alone or at a corporate party to light up with a nice employee, because the two of you feel good. You know how to spend time with friends and colleagues, communicating on an equal footing with everyone, but you are a couple. A successful couple always strives to do a lot together, both in everyday life and in other matters, for example, having breakfast together, buying serious things, watching your favorite films.

6. These are people who perfectly complement each other in sex

If a man and a woman like the same postures, technique, style, then otherwise it will be much easier for them to agree. If in sexual life If there are problems that both are trying to keep silent about or close in themselves, then this is the first sign when you need to ring the bells about an impending problem and discord. Learn to listen to each other and talk to your partner about your feelings.

In general, for each person - everything is individual. The main thing is to respect your partner, trust him and love him sincerely, and if all this is mutual, then it will be easier to come to a compromise and to talk. And when you understand your loved one, he will be infinitely grateful to you and will begin to appreciate you with greater dedication.

When the relationship between a man and a woman is still at the stage of formation, then people in love spend a large number of time together.

Each of the partners seeks to learn not only character traits the chosen one, but also his area of ​​interest... At the same time, the future ones are completely sure that their hobbies coincide with the other half, and they will not have to be bored in family life.

But when it passes a certain amount of time living together, you can hear the following phrase: “My husband and I have different interests. He sits at the computer all evening. " Often one of the partners is unhappy with the fact that his chosen one devotes little time to doing any joint activities... As a result, there comes coldness and indifference to each other, which is reinforced by the irritability of partners and development conflict situations. Lack of common interests leads to rupture relations and the destruction of even the strongest marriage.

Based on statistical data, the following common interests are most often noted between a man and a woman:

1. Musical preferences.

If you and your spouse have the same musical tastes, then this is great way get even closer to him. To do this, attend concerts of your favorite artist or group with your partner, as well as organize at home romantic evenings to the sound of your favorite tunes. But if your preferences in music differ sharply from the aesthetic tastes of your spouse, then it is advisable, at least, to accept the style of music that he likes. After all, it is also a great opportunity expand your own range of knowledge in the art of music. The partner will definitely pay attention to your aspirations and will definitely appreciate them.

2. Tastes in food.

If you like to eat tasty food with your chosen one or you like the process of cooking, then you can perfectly diversify family leisure... To do this, find recipes for delicious or exotic dishes and cook them together with your spouse. If you don't want to practice your culinary skills, visit a restaurant with a partner and work together to choose your favorite foods based on your shared eating habits.

3. Active image life.

Sports and healthy image life is great for bringing family members together. At the same time, you have many topics for communication, which not only unites you with your spouse, but also has a positive effect on your overall well-being. But if he prefers football, then you do not have to attend the women's football section. You can simply "cheer" on your loved one at the stadium or discuss the results with him football match... In addition, you have a great opportunity to spend your free time with your loved one.

4. Friends.

If you and your partner have mutual friends, then you can have fun with your friends. To do this, organize joint event and invite people close to you to it. It can be a Mafia-style party or a trip to nature. If each of the spouses has their own circle of acquaintances, then you should not be upset about this. You can think of a joint event with your partner to invite your friends.

If you feel that you are spending less and less time with your loved one and your interests no longer coincide, then talk to him about this topic. To do this, you should choose the warmest and tender words... You should not start a conversation with claims or accusations against the chosen one.

Tell your life partner that you feel lonely and would like to spend more free time together.

In addition, psychologists recommend performing training with your spouse to find common interests.

To do this, take a piece of paper and a pen each. Further, each of the spouses must independently write a list of 20 favorite activities that he would like to do together with his chosen one. You can even add to the list activities that you have never done, but you find them interesting and exciting. After that, exchange papers with your spouse and rate each activity on the list on a ten-point system. Then define what are you and your chosen one in common points of contact... If the type of activity scored more than 5 points, then it can be classified as relevant. Write down the overlapping interests on a separate piece of paper and plan some time together for the coming weekend.

In some cases, psychologists advise even to determine special days weeks to devote to each other. For example, on Saturday you will visit the theater, and on Sunday you will go with your spouse to play tennis.

In this way, the couple's common interests will strengthen family union , and will also help restore harmony and mutual understanding in relationships with a person.