New life after divorce: how to start a new life? Get rid of your memorabilia. How to live after a divorce

12.10.2019

When you get married or get married, you think it's for life. In the registry office, an oath is given to each other: "In grief and joy, until death do part"... But in life everything turns out to be much more complicated. There is no that happy, strong family, support, support, over time you understand what mistake you made. What follows? Divorce! This is a very difficult time for everyone, especially if there are children in the family, but in some situations, separation simply cannot be avoided. A woman cannot tolerate assault, betrayal, humiliation, constant bullying, and a man does not need scandals, his wife's infidelity, complete misunderstanding. It would seem that the divorce is over, but how can you survive loneliness and not get depressed?

Where to start a new life?

It is very difficult to get used to the changes in life, at first you do not want any new relationships, communication, many want to be alone. Some go headlong into work, making a career, others begin to degrade - drinking, walking, using drugs. Remember, divorce is not the end of life, but only the beginning of a new one, so you should not be too overwhelmed.

It is especially difficult after a divorce to celebrate different holidays alone. To survive this, you just need to not be afraid of changes in life. The inner attitude is important here that everything will only be fine.

Rehabilitation... You need to wait a little, and the sadness will pass. The main thing is not to regret. If you felt bad in your family life, you just suffered, why are you suffering now? Psychologists say that often the problem is in habits, it is difficult to change everything, but you need to improve your life.
Try to love yourself, work on your self-esteem. As a rule, after a divorce, consciousness is completely impaired. Women left with children think: "Who needs me like this with children, will I be alone all my life?" Men who get divorced can further aggravate the situation, pointing out all the weaknesses, character. In this case, the main thing is not to inspire yourself with the bad, on the contrary, take care of your appearance, become even more beautiful, so that every man pays attention to you. The strong half should also not get depressed, start drinking, smoking. It is important to understand: "Life is wonderful!"
Think back to who you were before you got married. Think about what you gave up for your spouse. Return to your hobbies, goals, interests.
Understand your feelings. If you decide to break up the marriage, then there are no feelings. Don't drown out your feelings. Is it hard for you? See a psychotherapist.
After breaking up, you need to completely change your life.... Work on your style, hairstyle, update your wardrobe. Sometimes you need to change your place of residence, discover hidden talents in yourself. All this will help to cope with mental pain.

New relationship after divorce

Don't start a relationship with another person right away. You need to be alone for a while. So you will calm down, gain strength, and the "mental wound" will heal. Then everything will turn out by itself. Often you don't even wait, but love comes by itself. Perhaps fate gave you a test, an experience in order to be a truly happy person in your future life.

Many make a huge mistake, trying to forget the old relationship, immediately start an affair. Believe me, there are no feelings in such a fast relationship. As a rule, they soon end in failure. So take your time.

The pros of divorce

Breaking a marriage is complete freedom. You now have plenty of time to do what you want, improve yourself, develop, grow, achieve success, realize your dreams and plans.

Mental anguish will pass if you start to play sports, breathe fresh air. Go out with friends to nature, sign up for a gym.

Don't worry if you have children after your divorce. On the contrary, it is only wonderful, because you are not alone, you can devote time to them, grow in love, care, travel with them.

For some, after a mental shock, a lot of talents open up: they begin to write pictures, novels, poems, music. In life, it is always like this, when you lose something, you will soon find it.

Effective psychological techniques

Is your spouse the initiator of the divorce? For a new life, try these techniques:

Imagine your husband (wife) in front of you, remember how much wrong was done, how you were offended, betrayed, bullied, insulted, raised your hand. How did you feel at that moment?
Figuratively ask your ex what the situation taught you. Listen to your "I" and you will definitely understand.
In your thoughts, express gratitude for a good lesson in life.
Analyze your feelings carefully. Understand how strong they are?

Is divorce your initiative? In this case, you need to act a little differently:

Imagine in the place of the ex or ex, feel all the pain, sadness, then inspire yourself that it will be better this way.
Praise your ex-spouse mentally for being an excellent student and now everything will be fine in his life.
Analyze the situation realistically, pay attention to the feelings.

First of all, you cannot discuss your personal life with a new partner. Decided to do away with the old? Turn the page and don't read it again.

Important! Never humiliate yourself in front of your ex. Don't beg to come back, you will only lose your sense of dignity.

Relax, try to be alone as little as possible, have fun with friends, have fun, just do not "withdraw into yourself." It is not recommended to drown out mental pain with various bad habits. Remember, after sobering up it's even worse, you start to get depressed.

Thus, many are afraid of divorce. Of course, you don't want to be left alone, without support, but when you no longer have the strength to endure, you need to take courage and solve the problem. It's hard only at the beginning, after that it gets easier. Don't be afraid to be alone. If you are a good person, you will definitely succeed. The main thing is not to despair!

Divorce. Is that really all? As if there were no years lived together, feelings, happy moments. What will happen to the children, to me, how to divide the jointly acquired property? Or let him take what he wants? What will the neighbors say, after all, everyone thought that we were a happy couple, and now we are "divorced"? Who needs me now?

Questions, questions, questions ... And among them the most important: will there be a new life after a divorce or will I be forever alone, raising children, deprived of the right to happiness? It is possible to understand the nuances of life after a divorce with the help of knowledge provided by the training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan.

After the dissolution of the marriage, the woman is in any case the victim, even if she herself was the initiator. After all, a girl receives protection, care, a sense of security first in the family, and then her husband takes this responsibility upon himself, taking her out of the house. Not all men, having decided to divorce, continue to financially support their ex-wife and child. Therefore, after a divorce, she loses a sense of security and safety - often it is she who not only takes care of the children, but also the search for a livelihood, sometimes even housing, and at the same time a whole host of fears and doubts arise.

Is everything as bad as it seems?

It's hard to carry and a pity to quit

The main reason for breaking up relations is misunderstanding, which leads to mutual grievances, reproaches, irritation. The first emotions of love, attraction, desire to be together are long behind us, but the years lived together, living together, children, the environment are firmly connected, not giving the opportunity to throw everything away painlessly at one moment, without thinking about the consequences. All present life is closely connected with this person.

And a dilemma arises: whether to stay and continue to drag out a joyless existence with a person who no longer causes a feeling of happiness, but rather, on the contrary, constantly brings to tears, hysterics, scandals. It is good if it does not hit and does not insult. Or get divorced, left alone with a child, without a job, without a livelihood, without a home. And how will relatives, friends, relatives perceive, what to say to them?

If the person with whom you have developed a relationship is dear to you, and you understand that you can still fix it, it is better to keep the family together. To do this, you need to learn to understand the mental characteristics of your spouse, his desires, actions. Why in this situation he did exactly that and why it was this that annoyed him most of all. The training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan will help you figure it out.

But if you are sure that the best option is a divorce, then divorce. Life after divorcing your husband has its advantages.

Woman's life after divorce

Do not trust the advice of a psychologist who says that happiness will come right away. In reality, living after a divorce from her husband will have to read, as they say, from scratch. And the general condition will not be the best. System-vector psychology explains that it is a woman with special properties of the psyche - the owner of the anal and visual vectors - that experiences the hardest part of a break in relations.

For a woman with an anal vector, it is very difficult to survive the loss of a family, because for her this is the main value in life. It is a shame and painful for the children who are left without a father. And this resentment in the future can slow down all life processes, up to the impossibility of creating new happy relationships. And it's also hard to part with the past, in which there were happy moments that are dear as a memory.

These states will be aggravated by emotions that are filled through the visual vector. The owner of the anal-visual ligament of vectors after a divorce may have severe emotional states due to the rupture of an emotional connection: melancholy, apathy.

For women with a visual vector, building emotional relationships with people is the meaning of life. And here is a break with a loved one. It is especially difficult if the relationship was not love, but emotional dependence. Then the visual vector falls into a state of fear that arose as a result of the gap: fear of being left alone, fear for children, for the future, fear that it will not be able to provide for the child itself, and many others.

How to start a new life after a divorce, if you are in such a state, how to learn to live without a husband? This is real and the results of many women prove it.

"…I LIVE! My condition is completely back to normal. Tears? I don’t cry anymore and I don’t cry to anyone for it anymore! I understood the situation that had developed, I understood all the features of my psyche and my ex-spouse. I understood and realized those moments that led to conflicts, led to parting.

Former spouse? I sincerely respect and appreciate him, I understand his behavior, values and desires. Now we communicate with him as two adequate adults, no offense, claims, bias. Moreover, I learned to see the mental characteristics of people who are around me, I perfectly understand children and what they need, I can find a common language with any person ... "

The first steps to a happy life after divorce

To find balance after a divorce, you need to start small:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, deal with resentment and shame in front of strangers. To do this, it is necessary to understand the peculiarities of the psyche of people with an anal vector.
Plan your time and care for your children so that you have time for yourself. Start doing what you love: sing, paint, get creative. This will help to get out of the state of fear in the visual vector. The life of a woman after a divorce is a reason to fulfill those desires that could not be realized due to marriage: learn a foreign language, go on a trip, in the end, buy shoes with a bow that annoyed her husband so much.
You can start repairs or rearrangements if your husband turned out to be a gentleman and left the apartment for you and the child. And immediately get rid of things that are painfully reminiscent of your ex. It is difficult for a woman with an anal vector to do this, since living in the past is one of the features of her psyche, but it is necessary.
Change your social circle. Start hanging out with people you ended up with after getting married. If you are not working, start looking for a job. In the process of searching, be sure to meet new interesting people. These actions will help you avoid the advice of “sympathetic and pitying” relatives and acquaintances, which only further traumatize, reminding you of what happened. If you are emotionally ready, agree to a friendly meeting with a man who likes you, but, being married, was constantly refused.
To speak out about your problem not to your friend and mother, who may not support your decision, but to talk to people who have been in similar situations, register on the appropriate forum. Support women in more difficult situations. This will help your visual vector to switch from itself to others for a while, not to become isolated. You will notice how worries about others literally erase fears and worries about your future from your thoughts.

Life after is a reality, not a myth

Advice, of course, will help to temporarily cope with the current situation, but you need not to heal mental wounds, but to root out their source. To do this, you need to understand not only your mental characteristics, but also the characteristics of your ex-husband. Then you can deal with resentment, forgive him, and remain friends. This will make it possible not to injure the child and resolve the issue of alimony without litigation.

Despite the fact that divorce has become commonplace in the modern world for a long time, the end of married life for many of us is equated with the end of life itself. It is difficult to imagine what to do next, because all plans and dreams were joint. And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue ... How to live after a divorce?

The decision to divorce is never momentary. Even if it was not you, but the spouse who accepted it, then with a high probability there were certain prerequisites for this. It is impossible to close our eyes to scandals, betrayal, jealousy and simply the fact that your paths have long gone their separate ways. Someone sooner or later had to make an informed decision that it was necessary to end an outdated relationship.

The following divorce counseling tips can help you manage stress and cope with the turning point with dignity:

Everyone knows that a person goes through 5 stages of accepting the inevitable: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Chances are, once you found out about the divorce, you refused to believe it. Then you were angry with your spouse and the whole world. After that, at the bargaining stage, you had thoughts that you can settle everything, agree, change the decision on divorce. If depression swallows you now, then you are one step away from finally accepting the inevitable.

Where are you now? Analyze your condition. In any case, it is important to go through all the stages of acceptance as soon as possible, come to terms with what is happening and let go of the situation.

Avoid accusations and insults.

If at the sight of your ex-spouse you have only curses on your mind, and everything inside is boiling with anger, then you are not yet ready to accept the situation. But how to avoid dating when the divorce proceedings are in full swing? And in the future, it will be necessary to resolve issues of joint custody of children, to divide property. You need a cold mind. Do not insult, do not try to sort things out with him. It will only hurt you.

Express negative emotions before each meeting. Wear your ex-lover's shirt over your pillow. Not very similar, but in this way you can tell him everything that you think about his action. Beat the pillow even with a baseball bat, douse it with juice, scold, shout. But when meeting with your “ex,” be cool and calm.

Do not break off on loved ones, but rather enlist their support.

In times of severe moral turmoil, it is difficult to be polite and control yourself. Most often, those who are nearby suffer. Mom called me at the wrong time to find out how I was doing. Yes, how can I get on if I'm divorcing my husband? Everything is bad, life is crumbling! What else to say? And yesterday my sister called to say that she always believed that he was not my match. I certainly didn’t ask her opinion!

Don't look for enemies where they don't exist. Relatives just want to support you, worry about your psychological state. Let it not always happen on time, let them say not what you want to hear, but they do it out of love for you! Do not withdraw into yourself, share your experiences. Enlist the support of loved ones.

Divorce is a matter for adults, and children are not at all concerned.

During divorce proceedings, it is important to maintain dignity not only in front of your ex-husband or strangers. Remember, children are watching you! At the same time, keep in mind that your problems and difficulties in relationships with their father concern only you two. This does not mean that children need to act out a comedy in the style: "Nothing has changed, everything is fine!" Just find the wisdom in yourself to choose the right words and explain to the children that this happens, but you both still love them.

Never turn children against your father, do not blame them for the fact that your family life did not work out. Do not sort things out in front of them, do not speak in an offensive tone about the ex-spouse. When they look at you, they shouldn't see a depressed, helpless woman. By your behavior, you must show that everything is in order and for them nothing has changed.

Don't try to numb emotional pain with alcohol or new relationships.

When the psychological stress goes off scale, you want to get rid of it as soon as possible. No need to rush to extremes! Alcohol, feigned fun, and questionable relationships will only exacerbate the feeling of emptiness and will not solve problems. Let everything take its course.

If you feel like you can't stand it and are ready to break down, see a psychiatrist. Do not be alarmed, the doctor will only prescribe antidepressants or sedatives and refer you to a psychotherapist. It is useful to go to a spa treatment. It is strictly not recommended to start taking medications on your own!

What benefits can be derived from the situation?

Do you know what are the advantages of divorce? You will be surprised, but a free life has many advantages:

you no longer need to report to anyone and coordinate your spending;
everyday slavery is over - you no longer need to wash men's shirts, socks, linen and spend evening hours at the stove;
you can have a lover for pleasant meetings and not have any obligations to him;
there will be no more scandals, reproaches, accusations, jealousy and suspicions;
no moral pressure from the spouse;
you can devote your life to self-realization, and not provide a reliable rear to your husband while he is building a career.

The main reason for depression in such a situation is worries about how life will change after a divorce. It's just fear of change, fear of a new twist of fate. But you were similarly scared to fall in love for the first time, to give birth to a child, to go to your first job after graduation. It's the same here. One chapter of your destiny has already been written, but on the next page a new one begins, always with a happy ending!

How to improve your life after divorce at 40?

After the end of the divorce proceedings, it seems that life is a battlefield on which hostilities have recently taken place. It is especially difficult if the children have already grown up, and youth is left behind. The familiar world has collapsed, and what to build in its place is not clear. How is your husband? Psychological advice will help you start a new life:

External changes.

First, change your appearance. The fact is that the reflection in the mirror is now telling you: “This is the same, divorced, sad woman. This blonde woman just lost her faith in men. It was she who did not sleep peacefully at night for a whole year because of the division of property, betrayal and loss of life guidelines. " Therefore, in order to, you need to look one wonderful morning in the mirror and say to yourself: "Hello, new" I "! How beautiful you are! "

Change your hairstyle, update your wardrobe, make an appointment with a beautician. Remove all negativity from yourself, dust yourself off and boldly step towards a happy future!

Achieving inner harmony.

Many women turn to a psychologist with the following problem: "After a divorce, I cannot establish my personal life." And the past, which they have not yet let go of, hinders them. Help yourself, make room for new love. To achieve inner harmony, use the following techniques:

Say goodbye to your ex-spouse mentally. Forgive him for all the bad things, thank him for the time spent together. Go through the memories of him for the last time in your head and say: "Letting go, be happy." Do not carry with you to your new life a load of memories from the past!

Active lifestyle.

You can't relax, feel sorry for yourself, seize sorrow with sweets and endlessly watch melodramas. You can afford to "get sick" like that for a while, but do not delay. Finally start a new life after a divorce from your husband! Sign up for yoga, Pilates, gym, refresher courses. Or maybe now is the time to get a second higher education?

Do not leave a single free minute in the day! Imagine that you are a young free girl without a past (and you really are!). How would you organize your life? What would you do, what would you strive for? Describe it in detail in your personal diary, let your imagination run wild, do not restrain yourself.

Do you think that the ideal life for a free girl is a lot of boyfriends, travels and trips to beauty salons in a sports car? Do not deny yourself anything! Even if now something seems completely unreal, you have something to strive for, and you deserve it!

Oksana, Lytkarino

Question to the psychologist:

Hello dear psychologists. Thanks for the opportunity to ask a question.

My husband and I have parted for a month now. We have a slightly confusing situation with the documents, but as soon as all the formalities are settled, we will begin to prepare for a divorce.

We lived together for 3 years: a year before the wedding and two years after. The decision to leave has been in the air for the past year, with rare moments of improvement. Rather, it was my husband who proposed a divorce at every quarrel, and I kept asking him not to cut it in the heat of the moment, I wanted to save the family and tried very hard for this, although I did not succeed. When I didn’t have the strength to fight and even began to let my health down, I finally realized that one was not a warrior in the field, and agreed to part. We parted. I knew it would be hard, but I hoped to survive it as an illness with a fever. But it doesn't work for me.

I had a relationship before my husband, but there always the separation helped to survive the anger. I was angry with my ex-boyfriends, I thought that I didn't need such happiness anymore, and it helped me quickly return to life. Anger gave me strength to go in for sports, study, work.

And I can't be angry with my husband. He did a lot of good for me. I remember how we had almost no money at all, and he worked part-time at the checkout in the supermarket on weekends. Sometimes people did not take change, they left 5-10 kopecks, and he collected these coins all day in order to save up for me in the evening for a tangerine, because he knew that I loved them and wanted to please. This is the most touching thing that they have done for me in life. It is more expensive than any gold jewelry, Mercedes and fur coats.

And at the same time when we were poor, once, forgive me for such details, critical days began. And there was no money for a hygiene product. So he left somewhere and an hour later returned with everything he needed. He carried heavy bags to people from the supermarket to the bus stop to make money. When I hugged him, he even had tears in his eyes. I can imagine how hard it was for him. We are not some vagabonds, not beggars, it’s how it was necessary to step over ourselves ...

He also once very touchingly and unexpectedly proposed to me ... He often gave flowers ... I always knew that he would protect me.

And when they began to live better, he spent almost everything on me, he loved to give me gifts, even though I asked him not to forget about himself.

And one of the most important - he never lied. He always spoke the truth, even if it was unpleasant. And also he is very purposeful, thanks to which he built a career.

His career made him happy, but also changed a lot. We hardly saw each other. He left home at 7-8 in the morning and returned, at best at 20-21, or even later. On weekends, he either worked too, or improved himself, studied something, read something. We talked at home on the principle of "hello-bye", lived like neighbors, slept in different beds, knew nothing about each other's life. If I invited him somewhere, he said that he had no time. If I cooked dinner - what he already ate. I hardly persuaded him to go on vacation for 4 days, but even there he spent all day on the phone. He even changed in character. Once I asked him half in jest: "Would you part with me if you were offered a million dollars for this?" He took it seriously, thought about it and said: "Honestly? I don't know."

I remember how we made the decision to divorce - a smart, stylish, strong, successful, but completely alien man was sitting in front of me. Very cold. Who said that career will always come first for him. Who said he wasn't sure he knew what love was. I had to accept the fact that he no longer loves me and wants to leave.

And now I can’t come to my senses. In the past, anger always helped me when parting. And I can't be angry with him. He did so much for me, both good and touching ... I also tried for him, but he didn’t accept much (or did I know little of what he needed?). I know that he stopped trying for me because he stopped loving. But you can't be angry with a person because he stopped loving you?

And how to collect myself after parting without anger, I do not know. Everything is falling out of my hands. Maybe I was worthy of him, the poor, and now I'm not the most suitable option for a successful man? I also have a good job, my own interests, but outwardly I am not the first beauty, of course. I'm more of a C. I don’t want to get along with him (no one is proposing, moreover), I know that we will have torment again. But I have so much gratitude towards him and disappointment in myself that I just don't know where to put it all!

Help me please. What to do in order not to go crazy?

Psychologist Anna Viktorovna Sokolova answers the question.

The only thing I would like to tell you about your letter is that you should not think that you are not worthy of your ex-husband. You have nothing to do with it, it's just that serious enough changes have taken place in his life, with which he has changed as a person, and his career has become a priority relationship for him. Perhaps this is his fault. Time will show.

I also agree with you that it is good memories that bring us back to the past over and over again and make us regret the breakup. And I will not advise you to abandon them and look for flaws. This is your past. But still, the key word here is "past", which prevents you from starting a new life in the present moment and planning your future. But how to find this resource in yourself that will allow you to cope? It is in you. And only you know where it is. All you have to do is "get" it. And in an amicable way, I would recommend that you turn to a coach who, with the help of certain methods and tools, will help you with this.

In addition, I want to offer you some recommendations that will help you cope with the situation.

1. Because you are at the stage of divorce, try to behave calmly, do not show that you feel bad or you do not want a divorce. And most importantly, don't try to prevent a divorce or save a relationship. A relationship is always two. On the contrary, if the situation requires it, provide assistance. Perhaps it will surprise him, but in my opinion, you need to adhere to the position: "You have made a decision, and I support it." It will be worthy of you.

2. Get rid of your husband's things, your joint photos and things that would remind you of him. You don't have to throw them away. Take them away and store them.

3. If possible, change your environment. The best option is to leave for another city for a while. If this is not possible, try not to visit the places that return you during a romantic relationship with your ex-husband in the near future.

4. Cut off the relationship with your ex-husband. I'm not talking about going to extremes, deleting his phone number and other contacts, just don't write or call him. Perhaps he herself will begin to take the initiative and take an interest in your life. And also delete messages that may remind you of the past. And most importantly, don't look for meetings with him.

5. When communicating with him, you should always be able to - "I-Ok!". There should be no complaints, bad moods and the like on your part.

6.Maybe here I will seem very commonplace, but I strongly recommend that you change your wardrobe, hairstyle, maybe perfume. For what? First, clothes and smells hold a lot of information about the past, which is sometimes better to get rid of. Secondly, let it be a symbol of the beginning of a new life. Thirdly, it can magically lift a woman's mood, give self-confidence and add positive. Fourth, it's a great way to pamper yourself.

7. Engage in self-development and self-improvement. Follow your ex-husband's example. Read books, attend trainings and seminars. In a word, invest in your development, pump yourself up.

8. Don't be isolated. Visit cinemas, go to cafes, chat and make new acquaintances. Speaking of them, you do not give the impression of a girl who is capable of rushing to extremes and committing rash acts, and if a man of interest to you appears in your environment, do not neglect his company. The most important thing here, and perhaps the most difficult thing, is not to compare him with his ex-husband. Try to discern individuality and just enjoy his company and communication.

9. Don't suppress your negative feelings and emotions. Give them a way out periodically. If you feel like crying, crying ... Do not keep the bitterness in yourself.

10. Yoga and meditation, these are two more very useful things in a piggy bank.

11. Also try to make your own personal development plan. Start by buying a diary. Dig into yourself and find the answer to the question "what do I want?" Once you have an answer, plan out the steps and define the steps. This will allow you to shift the focus to yourself and channel your energy towards personal growth and development.

Rating 4.82 (11 Votes)

Those who have experienced a difficult breakup are always interested in how to live after a divorce, when the familiar world is literally crumbling before our eyes? Indeed, the perception of the world as a whole, and of their place in it, is changing, but no matter how many years a couple has lived together, whatever the relationship in the family is, divorce is not the end of the world. Even if the spouses are already 40-50 years old or more, they can still find happiness in a new union, and there are plenty of such examples.

Of course, there are also many practical questions. For example, where to live after a divorce? What if you have to live in the same house for some time? How to build relationships with children? To understand this, first you need to decisively break with your past, stop clinging to illusions and pull yourself together.

How to start a new life?

When the question arises of how to start living after a divorce, there is one thing to think about. Life is always action, movement. And movement always implies a goal. Should you remain a melancholic observer? No, you need to set new goals and go towards them. Psychologists advise to take a blank notebook and write the goals in it (it is important to write them by hand, and not to type, because this helps a deep understanding of what is written). But these goals will almost immediately need to be transferred from the category of something abstract to concrete plans. For example, a person writes a goal - "to start communicating with new people." In this case, bookcrossing in a nearby cafe or organizing a charity festival that requires volunteers is just a plan, that is, the embodiment of a goal in life.

To learn how to live again, you need to deal with regrets. You shouldn't discuss breaking up with friends or family as if the couple were just about to get divorced. This process has already been completed, now you need to recover from it. You should also pay attention to how you talk about your divorce. If many phrases begin with regrets in the spirit of “if I hadn’t hurried to get married,” “if I had dissuaded her from divorce,” then this shows that a person is stuck in his past and does not move forward.

Many believe that divorce lowers status significantly. And now a woman is not a necessary specialist, not a beloved mother, but simply a "divorced woman", a "thrown". In fact, this is far from the case. You just need to say to yourself: “I don’t want to perceive myself like that!” And then you can change your status from the word “married” (or “married”) to “free” (“free”) after so many years. This returns a part of the ego to a person, which society takes away from him, when he feels himself to be just someone's spouse.

Psychologists give various advice, including expanding their own understanding of this. For example, you can think of yourself as a wife and mother. Or you can perceive yourself as an athlete, technologist, colleague, sister, needlewoman, popular blogger, etc. Losing the status of a wife, a woman does not lose her other roles.

On the role of symbols

You can say as much as you like: “I don’t want to go back to the past,” but if a couple has been married for many years, it’s not so easy to part with it. How to live on? Make a symbolic gesture - change a haircut, hair color or style of clothing. If you are lucky, and the couple will immediately live separately, then the move will already be a symbolic gesture. And if one of the spouses remains in the old apartment, then such a gesture will be renovation. Sometimes a woman says: "I want to live on my maiden name!" And in a sense, this is also a kind of symbolic final gesture.

You can live together for many years, but at the same time not so much love your partner as obey all his desires. After a divorce, there is a chance to do what they previously limited themselves to. This does not mean that you can start to indulge in all seriousness, but you can go on a journey that you have long dreamed of, go fishing, sign up for dance courses. Or conquer a mountain peak, and when a person stands on it, he will definitely be able to forget about what brought him here. Of course, there are also less extreme ways. You don't have to travel far to fill the void that emerges after a divorce. You just need to choose an activity to your liking. And if the feeling of loneliness remains, to attract children, friends or colleagues to it (for example, to some volunteer projects), the main thing is to feel like in a team, society.

Such activities have another plus. They help to focus on what the person is able to control. Therefore, he ceases to feel helpless, no longer drowns in regrets. You just need to want it.

How to survive a divorce?

There is one more important nuance. People are well aware that divorce is the path to something new. This is what they are afraid of. However, in fact, every person by the age of adulthood has the experience of parting and starting a new life: everyone graduated from school, parted with their first love, moved for study or work to other cities, moving away from friends and parents. It must be remembered that every time the pain of parting passed, and the new often turned out to be not so terrible as it seemed at first.

That is why some initially cling to marriage and do not want to get divorced, although in theory they know that in fact in the modern world this is not so scary. People by their own example prove that happiness is possible not only in marriage, but also outside it.

Of course, there are situations when in fact only one of the spouses wants to get divorced, and the other still loves and would like to defend the marriage to the end, but under pressure is forced to make concessions. And as a result, it is much more difficult for him to experience a divorce. It is often easy for such a person to get depressed. He may feel his uselessness, sometimes it is even fictional, but it is she who makes him quit a good job, "recover", lying on the couch all day. That is, the crisis of family life leads to a personal crisis. And, of course, it is better for such a person to seek help from a psychologist, since depression is a condition that requires the most careful attention and careful treatment.

Sometimes the method of moving towards the goal is also suitable for such a person. When he starts making plans, it helps to find a way out of the situation.

There is one more important point. When divorce was not a mutual decision, it is especially difficult to keep the pain to yourself. But you also don’t need to do this. We must constantly give vent to those emotions that have arisen due to the divorce, especially at first. By the way, conversations with a psychologist in this regard would be very useful. After all, not everything can be told even to close friends. Not to mention the fact that constant complaints of people get tired, but not because of their selfishness, but because people do not perceive situations in which they cannot help in any way.

So, pain, resentment, disappointment are completely normal reactions to divorce. If there is a need to swear, giving vent to anger, that's great, swear. I want to cry? It means that we need to cry and speak out, it will be better that way. If there is no opportunity to speak, if there are no close people with whom you can talk, then you can write letters to yourself, and then destroy them. In this regard, letters are better than a diary, which will probably be re-read later, and wounds will bring pain even when the divorce should have long been forgotten. You can try to write a letter to your ex-spouse to express everything. But there is no need to send a letter. This is just a psychological trick on a par with visualization, which is also offered by specialists. There are many visualization techniques, as well as relaxation techniques after them. For example, you can imagine your aura, imagine how it acquires the color that corresponds to the current mood, how it gradually changes the shade to the desired one.

How to live with your ex-husband in the same apartment?

Not every couple has the opportunity to go to different apartments right after parting. The main reason is, of course, financial difficulties. How to live divorced in the same apartment? For couples who have nowhere to move to, this is an extremely topical issue. It is clear that having lived together for more than one year, the former spouses think that they can endure for some more time. But in fact, psychologists recommend not to delay the resolution of the issue and find an opportunity to quickly disperse. It is easier for couples without children to do this, because you can always rent an apartment, negotiate with friends - just to gain independence.

It should be alarming that one of the spouses still wants to live with his former half. In such cases, it often happens that a person either does not want to break off the relationship, because he still hopes for the continuation of the marriage, or he is simply comfortable with this format: life with a well-organized life, in a comfortable apartment, with free labor. It is especially bad when a person tries to manipulate the child. In fact, children perfectly feel false, they see that mom and dad cannot agree on anything, and this harms the child's psyche much more than the separation of parents.

Therefore, a temporary joint life in no case should be something permanent. It is necessary to end the relationship as much as possible and start looking for any suitable housing. In no case should you be led by the manipulator. Even if, deep down, you want to save the marriage, you need to remember what caused the divorce, why it was important then and why it suddenly ceased to be so when a couple lives under the same roof in a new status.

Let's say it was some kind of isolated case of betrayal, which theoretically could be forgiven, but pain and pride made me decide to divorce. Perhaps these were some temporary difficulties associated with misunderstanding, with the appearance of a child, with some other life situations. It all depends on how far the controversy went. Do not succumb to manipulation, you need to maintain self-esteem.

And in no case should you live under the same roof with a person who abuses alcohol or drugs. Or someone with whom a woman divorced because of his tendency to domestic violence. In this case, it is better to leave, as they say, "nowhere", otherwise it can lead to very serious consequences.

The time for marital quarrels is over. You need to imagine that people who are strangers to each other live in the apartment. Therefore, all conflict issues should be resolved without violent scandals and without becoming personal.

You will have to agree again about some everyday things. Indeed, a former spouse who lives with his wife under the same roof is no longer a friend or lover, it is just a neighbor. Therefore, now he will have to divide all homework equally. Living together after a divorce is not the most pleasant prospect, but such a conversation still should not be put off. This means that now everyone will use the washing machine in turn, that the costs of all household chemicals will need to be divided in half, that now everyone will have their own shelf in the refrigerator. And you will also have to cook separately. All this is very important, because most conflicts happen on a domestic basis. In addition, the joint conduct of life, especially in combination with fairly close communication, creates the illusion that nothing is over yet. Of course, it is not uncommon for spouses to become a couple again after some time after such a divorce, but one should not pin great hopes on this.

A divorced man has the right to privacy. But a divorced woman also has this right. And while the couple is forced to live under one roof, they will have to somehow put up with it. But conflicts due to wounded pride still cannot be avoided, which is why it is necessary to disperse as quickly as possible.

How to communicate with your ex-spouse?

Often, the former couple is tied by children. Psychologists advise trying to cut back on communication with your partner, even in this case. If you continue to communicate, then this will only interfere with the recovery process, deprive you of prospects, since a person simply will not be able to adequately plan and imagine his future. You can try to maintain a good relationship, but “good” does not mean “close”. All topics of communication should be reduced to what concerns children, their studies, other important events in their lives, but nothing more.

At first, the person is not ready to believe that the relationship is over. The illusion looms ahead that everything can still be returned. In fact, even if a person himself does not believe in any energy, by such actions he deprives himself of the energy necessary to start a new life. Too much of her is spent on communicating with her ex-partner, and too little is left for new acquaintances, hobbies, and spending time with children.

It is necessary to clearly realize that even if the former spouses are tied by children, this connection will never be as strong as before. And the fact that a person continues to cling to it only says that this is an attempt to live in a fictional world, while real life passes by.

What then?

Very often, the desire to see the ex-spouse arises among those who cannot come to terms with parting, for which, moreover, they blame themselves. Most often, this is faced by insecure women. Especially those who have already turned forty. They believe that divorce at this age can no longer be a way to start something again, that it does not provide an opportunity to work on mistakes or for personal growth. Such people tend to scold themselves for a very long time, instead of leaving everything in the past and starting life from scratch.

Meanwhile, if a person (man or woman) cannot start living anew, then he gradually turns into a hostage of the endless day of the groundhog. Every day he wakes up in the same mood, with the same disappointments, fears and rejection of himself. As a result, a person gets stuck in a relationship that does not already exist. He can no longer live with his past partner, and he is not yet ready for a new relationship. And it will not be ready soon, because first you need to free yourself from the past, feel freedom, become a truly independent person, interesting to yourself. After all, a divorce is not the end of life, it is just the beginning of something new, and, in its own way, also beautiful.