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Divorce through the eyes of a child. How to maintain normal relations in a broken family? Eti-Children: developmental psychology, development and upbringing of children A story about divorce through the eyes of a child

Child and parental divorce

Divorce through the eyes of a child

Divorces, unfortunately, happen quite often these days. According to statistics, every seventh child today is brought up in an incomplete family. In the process of parting, partners do not always manage to remain cool and calm. In a moment of stress, a person loses the ability to think adequately and make the right decisions. Overwhelmed with negative emotions, spouses very often forget about the third side of divorce - their child. No matter how old the child is, the divorce of the parents is almost always taken hard. Divorce for a child is not a legal fact of divorce. Divorce begins with the beginning of parental quarrels and ends with the moment of separation. The shorter this path is, the easier it will be for the child to go through it.

With whom the child will remain after the divorce, as a rule, the parents decide on their own, without resorting to the help of the court. Many believe that until the age of ten, a child cannot decide for himself which parent to live with. But most psychologists believe that a child, even at a younger age, is able to make the right decision for himself.

There are times when the psychological trauma received by a child during the divorce process is so severe that he needs the help of a specialist. But most often they do without medical intervention.

Don't think that your child is too young , therefore, does not understand what is happening in the family. If quarrels and clarifications of relations between parents took place in his presence, then by the time of the divorce he is already aware of the events taking place. If the child does not fully understand something, then the parents themselves, and not the doctor, should explain it to him. You should not deceive him, give deliberately false information. Talk to him honestly, explain that from now on mom and dad will live separately. Moreover, both parents must take part in the conversation. Don't place all the blame or responsibility on one parent. This is bad for a child who is going through a parental separation. He may develop a guilt complex for what is happening, or he may begin to blame one of the parents for the divorce.

It is necessary to tell the child that the parents have decided to divorce in such a way that he can independently draw certain conclusions for himself. The most important thing is for him to feel. that the divorce will not in any way affect the attitude of the parents towards him. Divorce should not ruin a child's life. And of course you can't use it as a manipulation of each other.

In the eyes of a child, the parents' divorce should look like a mutual desire to change their lives for the better, as the only way out of a critical situation acceptable to all. Divorce should not be a tragedy for the baby. He should not see the hatred of parents for each other, hostility, suffering. After a divorce, a child should see only business partnerships aimed at raising him. Conflicts, quarrels, proceedings, clarification of relations, division of property should remain out of the child's field of vision. For him, a divorce should only be a rupture of love relations between spouses, and not in any way depriving him of one of his parents.

Most often, according to statistics, children after a divorce remain to live with their mothers. But no matter how good, caring and loving a mother is, a child still needs a father. In his love, in his care, in his participation in the life of the child. You should not neglect his feelings, no matter how hard it may be for you. It’s no less difficult for a child. Do not drag the baby into your war, do not make him hostage to your family conflicts. There are times when a child has been an instrument of manipulation in parental relationships for years. There are often cases when, after a divorce, parents completely stop contacting each other. Sometimes mothers forbid the ex-spouse to see the child. Sometimes the fathers themselves, when divorcing their wife, divorce at the same time with the child. The kid very often asks in such cases questions: "Where did dad go?", "When will dad come back to us?" It is difficult to live in an incomplete family, the mother alone has to solve financial issues, equip new housing, later a stepfather may appear in the family. No matter how the child lived before the divorce, but for him it is still stress, breaking the usual stereotypes. If for parents it is a chance to start a new life from scratch, then for a child it is a severe psychological trauma. Children rarely fully accept the divorce of their parents and put up with it, especially if the new conditions do not suit him. The child hopes for a long time that dad will return soon and they will again live happily all together.

If the divorce of the parents occurs when the child from three to twelve years old , it is perceived especially sharply. The child can hide his feelings and emotions, but it is very difficult for him. If the father leaves the family, then the baby begins to feel abandoned, abandoned, in this regard, he may develop an inferiority complex and self-doubt, which will entail further difficulties in communicating with peers. The child begins to take offense at the parent who has left the family.

If a girl grows up in a family without a father, this resentment can turn into man-hatred in the future. The image of a father who deceived and abandoned her mother with a child in her arms will be subconsciously projected onto all men. It is very difficult to change this setting.

In order for a child to grow up as a full-fledged person, to create his own family, he must see in front of him an example of normal relations between a man and a woman. Otherwise, it will be difficult for him to navigate in life when he becomes an adult. He will not develop sex-role socialization.

Sometimes mothers after a divorce, disappointed in a relationship, decide to devote their whole life to a child. They surround him with care and love, while starting to overly patronize. As a result, without realizing it, the mother suppresses an independent personality in the child. A spoiled egoist grows out of a child, absolutely not adapted to life, who cannot step a single step without a mother.

Such behavior towards a boy can lead to two consequences: either he resigns himself and accepts maternal care, growing up as an infantile mama's son, or he tries to resist her and surrounds himself with a not quite worthy male company.

The opposite approach to parenting, which is practiced by single mothers, is excessive cruelty towards the child.

Fearing to spoil the baby, they begin to restrict him in everything and punish him for the slightest offenses. Moreover, if the child contacts the father, his remarks are perceived precisely as remarks, and all the words of the mother are perceived as dislike for the child. The most trivial disagreements lead to personal conflicts. Choosing a style of upbringing and behavior must be thoughtful and balanced.

Features of experiencing a divorce depending on the age of the child

Most often, parents are faced with the question of when and in what form to inform the child that they have decided to divorce. It is better if the parents come to a consensus and together talk about the need for a divorce. The innuendo scares children. They begin to suspect that something terrible is happening, they come up with incredible stories that only increase the tension.

Of course, parents need to think about the feelings of their children, but you need to be determined and tell the truth. At a young age the child tends to take the blame for many tragedies in the family. It seems to him that his parents are fighting because he behaves badly, studies poorly, etc. Sincerity and clarity will allow parents to reduce their child's feelings of their own guilt. Explaining to the child the reason why they decided to divorce, you need to take into account his age and level of psychological development. His ability to realize and accept what is happening depends on this. The most correct decision is to give him an honest and easy-to-understand explanation of what is happening.

The further relationship between you, your child and your ex-spouse will depend on what and how you tell the child in this situation. Lying in this case is highly discouraged. If the baby does not know where his father suddenly disappeared, this can lead to dire consequences. He may decide that dad is dead and will grieve over this. However, the child does not need to know the whole truth. ... The reason for divorce can be not only disagreements on everyday issues, but also betrayal of spouses. For young children, this can be a tragedy, traumatizing his psyche. The older the child is, the more information can be given about the true reasons for divorce. If he is very small, a baby, he still does not know how to talk properly, then you shouldn't try to explain something to him at all. Wait for him to grow up and start asking questions about his father. Then you will tell.

A child under the age of seven can simply be told that dad will now live separately, but he will be able to see him whenever he wants. Naturally, both parents must confirm this. If the dad is not going to communicate with the child, then there is no need to deceive him. You can say a lot to a teenager who already understands a lot, but, again, you should not give information that would demean the dignity of one of the parents. A teenager already knows what love is, he knows something about relationships with the opposite sex, so he will be able to understand that his parents have cooled feelings for each other, although he will not be very pleased to hear this.

Unfortunately, mutual resentment of spouses against each other quite often pours out on children. You can often hear from younger students: dad is bad, so my mom and I kicked him out of the house. It is clear that the child did not come up with it himself. Here the position of the offended mother is evident. Separate your relationship with each other from your relationship with the child. You have stopped being husband and wife, but you have not stopped being mom and dad. The child should not lose his sense of the future. He must clearly understand how his relationship with his parents will develop in the future. Regardless of how old the child is, he wants to know that even after the divorce, the parents still continue to love him and he can always count on their help and support.

Don't give your child details. ... He does not need to know who cheated on whom, when and how many times. This kind of information humiliates a devoted spouse, so it is worth keeping silent about such facts. Although, most likely, the question "Why?" may not follow. Most children accept circumstances as fact.

It seems to you that a divorce will bring both you and your spouse the opportunity to start a new harmonious life, since living together has become unbearable. You have thought of everything. came to a consensus that it would only be better for everyone. But for young children, the divorce of parents can be the strongest childhood shock, even if the parents constantly quarreled and fought during the marriage. Whatever the circumstances of the divorce, they will in one way or another affect the behavior of the child. Preschoolers begin to show excessive tearfulness, are capricious, refuse to play with other children. Any discontent can turn into hysterics. In schoolchildren, the psychological stress associated with divorce can manifest itself as academic failure, aggressiveness, and increased conflict with teachers and peers. Children experiencing parental divorce have a reduced ability to adapt, so in transitional moments it is better not to injure the child and wait a little. Children in different ways show their protest against the life changes that divorce entails. Some openly rebel, some have it in a latent form.

The younger the child, the more difficult he experiences this condition. It seems to many parents that while their children are still young, they do not understand a lot, so they will not suffer much. They believe that if the child is less than 13 years old, then the divorce will not cause them serious psychological trauma. However, psychologists have shown that this is not the case. It is teenagers who are most likely to experience parental divorces, despite the difficult transitional age. This is explained by the fact that a teenager seeks to gain independence at this age. He moves somewhat away from his parents, he has new interests, new acquaintances, perhaps his first love. He is carried away by a new adult life, admission to a university, and he distances himself somewhat from his parents, realizing that they are adults, therefore, they will cope without his participation.

Even easier to relate to the divorce of parents freshmen students ... They are completely absorbed by student life, new acquaintances, so divorce is quite easy for them. Many parents, given the peculiarities of adolescence, are afraid to get divorced, as they expect too much of a reaction from the teenager.

They are afraid that this news will inflict severe psychological trauma on the student, that he may quit school and generally commit many irreparable acts, so they postpone the divorce.

But here they are wrong. The teenager is old enough to understand the wishes of his parents and accept them. He is quite capable of adequately assessing the circumstances that push parents to take this step. He is much more concerned about the psychological climate in the family, when parents are constantly in conflict with each other.

Don't cheat on your teen. If you have made a decision to divorce, then it is necessary not only to inform, but to consult with him as an equal. Then he will certainly be able to understand you and calmly accept your decision. However, try to keep your teen away from the showdown scene. This only applies to you and your spouse.

Psychologists note that not only age, but also gender affects the child's perception of the news of the parents' divorce. Girls are much less likely to show demonstrative forms of protest against divorce than boys. They tend to carry in themselves all the worries about this, but, nevertheless, they also show certain external signs of stress. An indicator of acute experiences can be violations of adaptive abilities: performance may decrease, the girl begins to tire quickly, does not want to communicate with peers, becomes irritable and whiny. Complaints about well-being also serve as a signal for mental disorder. If a girl begins to complain about her health, then, most likely, she seeks to attract the attention of her parents in order to unite them with common experiences about her, or to make sure that they still love her. With all this, girls can play with other children in the yard, frolic, run and jump, as if nothing is happening. In fact, the child is not pretending at this moment. She really feels it all.

Most girls who have experienced divorce of their parents in childhood, in adulthood, begin to experience unreasonable feelings of anxiety, anxiety, suffer from constant depression, are afraid of betrayal and betrayal in relationships with the opposite sex.

Boys tend to exhibit conspicuous behavioral disturbances that are obviously provocative in nature. They can begin to commit deviant acts: they begin to steal, run away from home, use foul language, fight, offend weaker children. They are driven by anger and aggression.

Aggressive behavior can take many forms, depending on the situation. Both the father and the mother can become the object of aggression. Boys can raise their voices to their mother, be rude, rude, go for a walk without warning, return home late. They may refuse to talk to their father at all.

The girls 'experiences are concerned only with themselves, since they carry them in themselves, and the boys' experiences pour out on everyone around them. But here, too, much depends on the age of the child. The older he is, the more pronounced the sexual characteristics of behavior during the divorce of the parents. Toddlers most often inform their parents about their inner experiences because of what happened in the most common way - they start to get sick. Adolescents demonstrate their protest with behavioral deviations. But all these manifestations are attracting attention, a call to adults to think about the family and about children.

Stages of Bereavement in Divorce in Children

Divorce in the legal sense is a divorce procedure, but for children and their parents it is a difficult period that goes through several different stages. Each stage is characterized by its own characteristics. Consider the stages of divorce and the perception of the child in each of them.

Emotional divorce

This is the preliminary stage during which the parents begin to experience a breakdown in their relationship. The emotional distance between them increases, they move away from each other, a series of misunderstandings, mutual grievances, quarrels and conflicts begins. Often this stage begins from one side, while the other does not suspect anything yet. At this time, the qualified help of a specialist can still help save the marriage. The conflict has not been resolved yet, the verdict has not been passed. But in most cases, people do not want to notice the beginning of a breakdown in relations, they let this phase take its course, and it flows into the next.

The stage of despair, rejection of the situation

At this stage, there is a realization that divorce is inevitable. The relationship has cracked so much that it is no longer possible to glue them together. The spouses understand that they have become so distant from each other that they have become strangers. They can only come to terms with this, accept the information that this happened in their family.

The stage of the actual breakdown of relations

At this stage, the decision to divorce has already been made by both spouses. Information about the separation is communicated to close people, relatives, and children. The couple officially announces their breakup. Parents begin to live separately. The stage is actually very difficult. The child learns that the parents are getting divorced. It hurts his feelings. He is emotionally worried, aware of the changes coming in his life. Parents should at this stage take more careful steps towards the child, think over their words addressed to him.

The stage of economic divorce

Changes are taking place in the child's life. Perhaps you have to change your place of residence, and this increases the psychological trauma. There is a restructuring of the system of relations with parents, especially with the one who lives separately. In most cases, this is the father. This is a difficult phase. The child observes how the mother has to cope with everyday problems alone, he sees her worries about the divorce and, of course, is very worried himself.

Depression and abandonment

There is an awareness of the reality of what happened. Both the child and the adult who is raising him understand that a step has been taken, there is no turning back. That the situation in which they found themselves was not temporary, but permanent. The family collapsed and cannot be restored. You need to get used to it, come to terms and learn to live in a new way. At this stage, if the depressive state is prolonged, both the parent and the child may need psychological help.

Thought stage

At this stage, the comprehension of prospects, the search for a new way of life, and its restructuring take place. This stage logically continues the previous one, but here the future life is already clearly drawn. The man realized a lot, let a lot through himself, understood a lot. Life gradually begins to fill with meaning. At this stage, new hobbies, new interests, new acquaintances may appear. The parent living with the child finally comes to his senses, becomes convinced that life does not end with a divorce, begins to find some advantages in his new position. Conflicts with your ex-spouse stop. They are now strangers, no one owes anything to anyone. They are connected only by parental relationships. The child also calms down during this phase. He sees that the situation is beginning to stabilize, and his parents have remained his parents, they just live in different places.

The final stage - psychological divorce, the real end of the relationship

At this stage, parents are freed from the negativity that prevented them from living happily in marriage. Adults gradually learn to live outside relationships, get used to a new status, stop being sad and missing the past. A new life begins. People are enjoying life again, leaving the past in the past. Caring for a child again begins to bring true joy. All positive emotions and love pour out on him. The adult is not yet ready to start a new relationship, therefore, all feelings during this period are connected only with their children.

Any of the described stages of divorce can drag on for an indefinite time and prevent both parents and children from living normally on. Going through these stages to the end will allow the child to regain feelings of security and safety. ,

Children often experience parental divorce much more acutely than they themselves. There are frequent cases when the mutual consent of partners leads to divorce. Feelings disappear, intimacy disappears. They both understand that individually they will be better than together. In such cases, divorce is a step towards a new, happy life. But for a child, things are different. He wants to see mom and dad together, wants to grow up and be raised in a full-fledged healthy family. Divorce for him is also a step towards a new life, but in a different sense than that of his parents. He does not feel the need for such a change. They are the cause of severe mental discomfort for him. The child's world, to which he is accustomed, collapses at once. The people he loves more than anyone else in the world stopped understanding each other and decided to leave. It's also good if the parents decide to divorce quietly and peacefully at the negotiating table. And if a child witnesses scandals with breaking dishes and mutual insults, this is a shock for him. During their squabbles, adults stop noticing the little man who is already scared and upset.

You cannot forget about the child at such moments, no matter how hard it is for you. He needs help to cope with experiences, to correctly explain the situation, so that he learns to reasonably perceive human relationships. The kid has the right to know the truth from the very beginning of the divorce process. But often parents just brush him off, believing that he is still too small and still will not be able to understand anything. He is told about the divorce as a fait accompli, when he has already witnessed numerous scandals and, in bewilderment, himself conjectured what was happening. The process of divorce for a child becomes a period of stress, which can turn into stable complexes that can poison his childhood life for a long time, and in adult life, interfere with his relationship with the opposite sex.

Very often, parents use the position - they grow up, and he himself will understand everything. This approach is wrong. He will understand, but there is no guarantee that he will understand correctly. If you want your child to avoid many problems in the future, try to take the time and explain to him what is really going on. It is not necessary to describe the details in paints. Explain as simply as possible so that he understands you. Most importantly, convey to him the idea that divorce is not the end, but the beginning of a new life. And it will not necessarily be worse than the old one, just a little different.

If you yourself are very worried about a divorce, you understand that you will not be able to adequately talk to your child without speaking unkindly towards your ex-spouse, ask someone close to you to do this. The child must learn one main idea - the spouses are getting divorced, not the parents. You will never stop being his mom and dad, you will never stop loving and caring for him, you just will not live together now. This little man must clearly understand for himself. Let it be not only in words, but also in deeds. Talk to your spouse about this. Let him also find time to communicate with the child. It is hard for him now, so he must feel the love of both parents as never before.

The child understands that divorce will bring about a change. He does not know where they can lead him. This uncertainty scares the child, disturbing thoughts begin to torment. He constantly recalls the happy moments of family life, they seem to him the best in life. And then the realization comes that they will never be repeated. Try to. the opportunity not to leave the child alone with his thoughts, be there, talk more, answer all his questions, even if you have to repeat the same thing more than once. If he withdraws into himself and is silent, start the conversation yourself. Silence and lack of questions does not mean peace of mind and calmness.

Discuss the details with the child's father. The kid should not see quarrels and scandals. Make a truce with your spouse, negotiate partnerships, if possible. For the sake of the child, it is worth making a compromise. In the process of divorce, the realization comes to him that love is not eternal, that even strongly loving people can stop loving each other over time, and this is quite normal. He must see that it is possible to part in a civilized manner, while maintaining respect for the partner. He also needs to see that parental love is not limited to marriage. Even after parting, his parents continue to love him as before.

When the divorce procedure is over, try to relax with your child, and then discard the past and start a new life. Do not rush to find new relationships, take some time for your baby. It's hard for him. Being close to you will help him get through a difficult period and return to normal life.

And yet, there is no need to let the child into the technical details of the divorce, such as alimony, schedules of meetings with the father and other relatives of the ex-spouse. Solve these questions in private, without the participation of the child.

In order for the post-divorce period to go as smoothly as possible for the child, try to follow a few rules in relation to him.

The child must be sure that his parents truly love him.

He is very scared that he may be unnecessary, that parents, keen on building a new life, new relationships, will forget about him. Do not be afraid to tell your child more often how much you love him, how dear he is to you, that you are happy that you have him.

Back up your words with actions. This does not mean that you need to throw toys at your child, he may think that you want to buy him off. Just spend more time together. Show him that you really enjoy being with him.

The child must understand that after the divorce, he still has both parents - dad and mom

It's just that now they live separately, but he can count on their support at any time. Support your words with actions. Show your child that you are involved. He should know that you are worried about his problems, that you are not indifferent to his fate. The divorce undermined the position of his parents in his eyes. Even if the relationship was friendly before the divorce, now you may have to win your child's favor again.

If possible, try not to drastically change the child's lifestyle.

He needs to get used to the idea that his parents no longer live together, and only then change his place of residence, school. Changes are always emotionally and mentally difficult for a child, even in stable periods, and during stress, the body's adaptive abilities are sharply reduced.

Don't turn your child against a parent who left the family

Even if you think that he acted meanly with you, betrayed you, the child has nothing to do with this. He still loves him. It will be unpleasant and painful for him to find out negative information about a loved one. It’s even worse if the other parent starts telling him nasty things about you in revenge.

The father has the same rights to the child as the mother.

You cannot forbid him to meet with the child just because of your personal grievances. The kid lives with you, so you have a clear advantage. There is no need to deprive him of the opportunity to see his father.

Watch what the child says and how he behaves.

Children do not always express their experiences in an open form. The child may not show you that he or she is severely traumatized. But, observing him, you can determine that something is bothering him, and help in time.

Don't underestimate your child's capabilities

It seems to you that he is still small and unable to understand what is happening with his family. In fact, this is not the case. He is quite aware that something bad is going on between the parents. Talk to your child as an equal, explain to him in an accessible way what is really happening. Don't deceive him. Don't pretend everything is fine. The child should feel that he is reckoned with in the family.

Of course, it is difficult for a child to experience a divorce of parents.

Support him, but don't make him a victim.

What does a little man feel when his world is forever split in two? Is it possible to preserve the childhood of your child, to be a real, and not a coming father?

My student wrote about all this very frankly:

The story of how a child feels after a divorce

"... My parents separated when I was six years old. A standard situation: dad fell in love with another woman whom he met at work, and my mother and sister were unnecessary baggage to start his new happy life.

Later they also had a joint child. As an excuse, he likes to repeat that "this is how millions live." And when I tried to understand my father's act, he could not explain anything to me:
-You will grow up - you will understand.
For some reason, at any memory of dad, tears well up. Maybe from resentment or injustice.

Dad always took an observant position, although I understand this only now, when we are separated by thousands of kilometers. For example, he sent his youngest daughter to study at the same school where I studied. And so every morning my mother takes me to school ... And when I saw the license plate of a familiar car in front of me, I stick to the window and eagerly study the familiar silhouette with my eyes. Maybe he will see? Smile? Will he wave his hand? Or maybe, somewhere in my fantasy, the car will slow down smoothly ... he will open the door, get out of the car, smile at my mother and me and say: “Let's go home!”.

It's a shame ... I learned to live with this thought, wake up in the morning and not think that my loved one wakes up in the same way to the sound of an alarm clock somewhere in another part of the same city. I always wondered what he thinks about in the morning and ... does he remember me? Does he look forward to these short meetings on the way to school as much as I do?

One of the saddest holidays in my memory was New Year (we celebrated 2005). This was the same year Dad left us in the summer. On the eve of the holiday, I fell seriously ill. On the morning of December 31, dad came to wish me a Happy New Year. I was lying on the bed and I had a high temperature. He spoke to me some words, holding out a small porcelain doll with a white face, flushed cheeks and golden curls. That's all I remember. He had to leave, because his "beloved woman" is very jealous of our meetings with him. I began to feel even worse, everything floated before my eyes, but he said goodbye and left. And only this toy remained with me.
That night I had a temperature of 40 degrees ... I could forget about the holiday. I lay in my room, my eyes were constantly closing, although I tried not to sleep. I shuddered from every rustle and asked my mother to open the door, because “it was dad who came - I definitely heard him knocking on the door”. But he was not ...

Now it is difficult to imagine how many such "holidays" were still in my life. It is difficult to imagine how painful it is for my mother to look at my tears every time, to say that everything will work out, knowing for sure that our life will never be as fabulous as before. It is even more difficult to realize that my dad has become almost a stranger to me over the long years of his life without him. No, we, as before, meet, correspond, share news ... but between us there is no revelation and an inexorable thirst for communication.

Do you know how painful it was on one of my birthdays? This day was already difficult: the whole class completed the test for almost 4 hours. We handed over all the phones to the teachers, but when one of them vibrated in silence, I immediately realized that this call was intended for me. In honor of the holiday, I was allowed to answer. I heard a painfully beloved voice. Dad congratulated me on my birthday, said just a few words, the meaning of which once again did not get imprinted in my head (the whole point is that I just enjoyed the moment of our communication - only me and only dad). And when he said goodbye, an emptiness formed in my soul. At that very time he and his family were sunbathing on the beach in the Emirates, and I was sitting here, within four walls, solving a test on my own birthday ... I did not deserve his attention that day.
It hurt and hurt again. Once again, I asked myself this useless question: "Where is justice?" I just had to grow up and accept my father exactly as he is: with all his shortcomings, with all my resentment.

What is left to do for me, an ordinary girl who has become a victim of male egoism? We both have changed in 10 years of separate lives, but deep down I still feel like the same little six-year-old child who does not understand anything.
I look at him all the same in love, like a hero from fairy tales, and wait for my dad to just say a word to me ... just one word ...
Sorry…
zlatushka98

Our expert - child psychologist Ekaterina Sycheva.

How to say

If scandals in your family are not uncommon, the child already guesses that mom and dad are feeling bad together. Some children begin to overhear parental squabbles behind closed doors. They are looking for their guilt in the breakup of their parents ... And sometimes such fantasies can hurt their psyche more than the real situation. Protect your child's feelings. Talk to him about your plans for future life.

The position “when you grow up, then you will understand” is wrong. Try to explain the reason for your separation from his dad in an accessible way, in accordance with the age of the child, in a language that he understands. But be sure to say that the fact that his parents will live separately does not mean that dad and mom will love him less. Children must understand that anyone is to blame for what happened, but they are not.

It will not be possible to limit ourselves to one conversation, they should occur as questions come from the child. Be prepared to discuss any fears of children related to divorce, ranging from the fear of losing the love of dad and mom to the problem: "And dad promised to give me a bicycle!" Such conversations will show the child that after the parents divorced the world, although it was shaken, did not turn upside down.

Avoid insulting your spouse. It is important to assure the child that he can always meet with him. If you yourself internally resist such meetings, analyze where you are acting in the best interests of the child, and where you are guided by revenge on your ex-spouse.

Feelings of guilt often dictate to parents such a line of behavior when they begin to compete for the attention of their children and even "buy" their love. Children quickly understand this and begin to manipulate the feelings of their parents. There is no need to be led by such manipulations.

Some time after the divorce, when the child was able to accept the inevitable, talk to him about the changed situation in the family and the redistribution of responsibilities. Often, a divorced mother is forced to spend more time at work, she shifts to the child the fulfillment of the household duties available to him: go for groceries, clean up ...

The child's responsibilities must be clearly defined by the two parties so that he does not blame the mother for having to grow up involuntarily.

The palette of feelings

Depending on the age, children understand the situation of divorce differently.

In babies from one and a half to three years, divorce can provoke fears and even developmental delays.

Children from three to six years old would like to make a difference and suffer from their impotence. They are often anxious and insecure, and may feel guilty about this state of affairs.

Children of primary school age (6-12 years old) often try to find the culprit for the divorce, it can be either themselves or one of the parents. The stress caused by the departure of a dad or mom can trigger the development of various physical ailments (psychosomatic disorders).

Children of five to seven years old, especially boys, react especially painfully to divorce, while girls are especially acutely affected by separation from their father at the age of two to five years.

And only by adolescence (13-18 years) a child can more or less adequately imagine the causes and consequences of divorce, as well as the nature of his future relationships with both his father and mother.

His reaction

You need to be prepared for various emotional reactions of your child to the separation of parents, as well as possible disruptions in his physical condition, up to diseases.

A child can experience a range of unpleasant and sometimes contradictory feelings:

anger at both parents because the stability that existed when mom and dad lived together disappeared;

anger at one parent, or at the mother, who could not agree with the father, or at the father, who yelled at mother, frightened everyone with his cry and eventually left the family;

sadness that the family has broken up;

regret and shame that the parents were unable to create emotionally favorable conditions for him (in contrast to the families of his peers, with whom the child involuntarily compares his own);

crying and tantrums, indicating the degree of severity of the child's condition, but not necessarily the deep severity of his condition. The more a person is capable of violent expression of his feelings, the more favorable the prognosis;

fear of later life, due to instability and uncertainty.

Support rules

Try to maintain a warm relationship with your child.

Talk to him honestly and openly about divorce (considering, of course, age). At the same time, of course, the child should not be turned against the other parent.

Pay more attention to him. More often, let's understand that both mom and dad love him, that nothing has changed in their love for the child.

Do not interfere with the child's encounter with the other parent.

Never sort things out with your ex-spouse in front of your child. It is because of this that many children develop a sense of aggression in the future.

Distract your child. As often as possible, go with him to such interesting places as parks, museums, cinema ... This will help him (and you too!) Not to sink into sad thoughts.

For a while, try not to change the conditions of life that are usual for the child, such as school, sections, circles, place of residence, friends.

Professional help

The best way to minimize mental and emotional distress is to see a therapist (even for preventive purposes) who can help your child and you deal with your feelings.

The psychologist will warn you against destructive actions in relation to the child and ex-spouse.

It will help you get through strong negative feelings towards your ex-spouse.

In the case of a negative attitude from relatives, friends or teachers, it will help to develop the correct tactics of behavior. It will relieve the tension caused by guilt towards the child for the divorce.

The psychotherapist will pay attention to emotional and physical abnormalities in your health in time and will help to eliminate them.

You will be able to speak out your negative emotions without fear of being misunderstood, discuss how this may affect the future life of your child.

The psychotherapist will help, if it is realistic and necessary, to establish a constructive dialogue with the ex-spouse to discuss the problems associated with the child's life.

The psychotherapist together with you will develop tactics for your future life in a family without a second parent.


If you try to describe this event in one word, then this word is STRESS, both for adults and for younger family members. It is especially difficult for kids to explain why the two most beloved people can no longer be together. Despite all the efforts made, they are extremely upset by the separation of the mother and father and continue to believe that they will begin to live together again.

End of life or beginning of a new one?

Adults sometimes tend to underestimate the significance of their divorce for a toddler who thinks the world is crumbling. In his own way, he is right: after all, for children (especially small ones), the world is still limited to their family, whose cohesion gives confidence and allows them to maintain peace of mind.

The separation of parents for most children is the deepest shock. The first weeks are especially painful. Many babies begin to have health problems, study problems, relationships with friends, apathy or aggressiveness appears in their behavior.

Before talking with the child, parents should discuss their behavior, try to minimize the changes taking place in the life of the little person.

With the right choice of tactics, divorce can turn into a constructive decision and become a new stage in the life of all family members. Sometimes children feel relief from the knowledge that quarrels and scandals will finally stop. After all, the natural sensitivity of babies makes them completely unprotected from the tense atmosphere reigning around.

Stages of stress

The child's reaction to the changes taking place is completely individual and sometimes unpredictable. Psychologists conditionally distinguish three stages in it:

  1. Rejection stage- typical for any event that causes negative emotions. For about 3-6 days, the baby may not react at all, simply not believing in what is happening. During this period, he tries to internally analyze the situation, and his subconscious mind in every way tries to protect the little person from a powerful blow.
  2. The stage of gradual acceptance of what happened- at this time, the child's behavior is completely ambiguous: some children cry, others show obvious aggression, others take the side of one of the parents and try to benefit from what is happening.
  3. The mourning stage is the longest. Sometimes it drags on for years. At this time, the child's psyche is trying to overcome stress, as a result, children often lose interest in communication with peers, games, and previous activities.

Age differences in the manifestation of the gamut of feelings

Understanding and responding to divorce is largely determined by the age of the child.

Of course, a two-month-old baby does not understand the essence of what is happening, but due to emotional dependence on the mother, he perfectly feels the tension and is in a restless state.

In one and a half to three years, a stressful situation provokes the emergence of various fears and can lead to developmental delays.

Separation from a father has a very negative effect on girls under the age of five.

3-6 years old - children understand the danger of what is happening, they want to change the situation and begin to become complex and suffer from the consciousness of the impossibility of doing this. They often become extremely insecure and anxious, prone to self-humiliation, and experience an inner feeling of guilt, resentment, or anger. The reaction of boys from five to seven years of age is especially painful and emotional. For the normal course of the psychological development of children under 6 years old, a sense of stability is necessary, since it is during this period that a system of values, ideas about the world are formed, and stereotypes of relations with others are laid. The situation is complicated by the fact that it is very difficult for single mothers to get a good job, and the family faces material and moral problems.

At primary school age, attempts begin to find the culprits, in the role of which one of the parents, relatives or the baby himself acts. The absence of a father or mother leads to a feeling of abandonment, strong resentment and shame in front of the school team for having family problems. The result is stress that triggers psychosomatic disorders.

Only in adolescence can children adequately represent the reasons for the separation of parents, its consequences and the characteristics of their relationship with the departed father (mother).

Regardless of the child's age, the destruction of the family causes deep psychological trauma, which over the years can develop into pathology or deviations.

Possible child reactions

Divorced adults should be prepared for a child to show different emotions, a lot of new behavior will appear in his behavior, and his physical condition may noticeably deteriorate. Children experience a range of conflicting, sometimes even positive, feelings:

  • anger at parents, out of selfish motives that deprived them of stability: in most cases, the resentment concerns the mother;
  • sadness at the breakup of a family, regret or shame in front of friends with whom children tend to compare themselves;
  • joy and relief from the resolution of the conflict that has recently been taking place in the family;
  • crying, hysterical states - oddly enough, these phenomena do not always indicate the serious condition of the child, since a vivid expression of feelings contributes to a faster calming down;
  • fear of the future due to instability and uncertainty.

Is the kid to blame?

Children often feel guilty about breaking up their families. This feature is due to the self-centered thinking of babies. In their view, they are the center of the world around which the rest of the Universe revolves.

The younger the child, the more likely he is to blame himself for the problems.

In preschool and school age, the prevailing thought is the existence of a connection between his inappropriate behavior and the separation of his parents. The position of adults on this issue should be unambiguous: to convince the little man that he is not guilty of what is happening and that his parents will always love him very much, regardless of the fact that they no longer live in the same house.

How should adults behave?

Rule one

Get together. Regardless of his condition, the degree of nervous tension, feelings experienced, the baby should not feel emotional abandonment, since in this case he will lose not one, but two parents. You can not get lost on children or remain indifferent to them. If you are unable to cope with yourself, you need to seek professional help.

Second rule

Talk to your child. In a language understandable to the baby, taking into account the age and emotional stability of the baby, he needs to be informed about the imminent changes. It is optimal for both parents to participate in the conversation. Before a conversation, you can consult with a psychologist or talk to divorced couples with similar experiences. It is important to achieve an emotionally stable state before engaging in this sensitive topic. There is no need to make excuses to the baby or try to find support from him. On the contrary, one should be prepared to provide protection to the child if his reaction turns out to be too violent.

Third rule

Children should not be turned into personal psychotherapists. Women who have lost the support of their husbands often try to create an overly trusting relationship with the child, making him a kind of “vest”. However, the little person cannot understand these experiences, and besides, he himself is very upset because of the situation. You can talk about such topics with older children, but without negative feelings about the absent parent and without trying to shift the problems onto them.

Rule four

It is a forbidden technique to express disrespect to your ex-spouse and sticking labels. Better policy in the event of divorce is peace between adults and maintaining normal relationships. The child must be sure that he can see the parent whenever he wants (of course, if these meetings do not harm him).

The fifth rule

After a certain time after the divorce, when the baby internally accepts the situation and is able to control his feelings, it is necessary to talk with him about the changes that have occurred and the necessary redistribution of roles and responsibilities. Lonely women are often forced to spend a lot of time at work. Therefore, children must begin to perform certain functions: go to the store, keep order in the house, take out the trash, etc. The conversation about this should be conducted in such a tone that the child feels that his help is needed, and does not consider his new role to be a forced growing up.

Possible scenarios for changing the behavior of children

Outwardly calm behavior of a baby or outbursts of whims and aggression are often a disguise for psychological distress. Society tends to corny explain this by the lack of a strong hand. Before the divorce, the younger members of the family try by all available means to prevent its destruction, after it, they retain hope for the return of their former well-being. This is reflected in their behavior.

In most cases, children choose one of the following stereotypical tactics:

Gray mouse

Such a child tries to stay in the shadows, not to irritate adults, if possible, not to contact them. At first glance, this behavior is very comfortable for adults, since children are obedient in everything. However, latent emotions and unresolved problems lead to psychological and physical problems over time.

Hero

Such a child carefully hides his feelings, is afraid to bother the mother (father), stoically endures their emotional isolation and takes on many household responsibilities. Children's consciousness cannot comprehend that, for example, increased demands for cleanliness often serve as a pretext for another scandal and expressions of discontent. The same applies to his performance in school: striving to receive exceptionally high grades, the kid tries to preserve the remnants of peace in the family in this way, not realizing that this is not the essence of the problem.

Sick

What else can keep parents together if not a baby's illness? After all, if he gets sick, adults will feel guilty and try to fix everything. Before prescribing a course of treatment, competent specialists conduct an analysis of family relationships. Symptoms of many diseases are a manifestation of a depressive state that develops in response to a stressful situation. These include:

  • onychophagia (the habit of biting your nails);
  • enuresis (bedwetting);
  • encopresis (fecal incontinence);
  • trichotillomania (or nibbling the ends of the hair);
  • various tics;
  • loss of appetite;
  • weight loss.

Until about 10 years of age, children express inner distress mainly through illness.

Emotional coldness

Such children look aloof and completely indifferent to what is happening. In reality, in this way, they try to protect themselves from problems and simply “shout” about their need for protection. External apathy testifies to the highest degree of well-being and disbelief in oneself. For their peace of mind, many parents believe that the baby accepted the situation and calmed down.

Difficult child

The behavior of problem children is almost the same as the behavior of sick children. The difference lies in the way the inner discord manifests itself. Through inappropriate behavior in the children's team, at home, the baby tries to focus on his personality and force the parents to spend most of the time resolving conflicts associated with them instead of their own scandals.

Each woman experiences family breakdown in her own way, sometimes experiencing the most conflicting feelings. It can be:

  • resentment (explicit or hidden) about the detachment of the child in a difficult time for her;
  • anger at a child who continues to miss and love his father;
  • shame for your position and behavior during the divorce process;
  • pity and suffering at the sight of the baby's condition;
  • the desire to compensate for the damage caused at least by giving gifts and ensuring material well-being;
  • feeling of guilt for depriving the child of a full-fledged family, even if the initiative came from the spouse or the divorce was provoked by aggression, antisocial behavior of the ex-husband;
  • the transfer of negative emotions to the child due to his resemblance to his father.

Unwanted behavior of a divorced woman

  1. After divorce, many single mothers demand compassion and support from everyone, including the baby. Taking on the role of a victim, they fall into tantrums, depression, and begin to get sick.
  2. "Divorced women" refuse the help offered by their ex-husband and relatives, thereby demonstrating their independence and hiding suffering.
  3. Women show increased material demands, make attempts to turn the “former” into a lifelong debtor.

New family

When the pain of a divorce begins to subside, and life enters a relatively calm channel, many children face a new blow: the remarriage of one of the parents, which provokes a new surge of emotions.

How should relationships be built in a new family so that children quickly adapt to it? This task is quite difficult, since a second marriage means the collapse of hopes for a possible reunification of the parents. In addition, new children appear with whom you have to share attention, the love of a mother (father).

  1. The child must be made aware that it is not necessary to love the stepfather (stepmother), but the choice of adults must be respected and their right to have a new full-fledged family must be recognized.
  2. Excessive care and love on the part of a spouse can be perceived as hostile. You should talk with your new soul mate and explain that you do not need to impose your tenderness on the child. However, a complete lack of emotionality can be very painful for children (especially small ones).
  3. The child should be able to see the absent parent as desired.
  4. Children should not be allowed to compare their stepmother or stepfather to their own mother or father. They must understand that these are completely different people with their own peculiarities.

Psychotherapist help

To keep emotional and moral suffering to a minimum, there is often a need for the help of a professional who will explain how to deal with conflicting feelings.

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