How to quickly find a common language with people. How smart people manage to get along with people they don't like

02.07.2023

How to learn to get along with people? How to find a common language? Sometimes it happens that, speaking the same language, about the same problem, and even sharing the same point of view, people do not hear each other, do not understand, and draw wrong conclusions. Why is this happening? Let's try to deal with this issue.

The concept of "common language"

What is behind this concept? Finding a common language means reaching mutual understanding, finding an opportunity to agree among themselves, to come to mutual agreement with interlocutors regarding views and thoughts, actions and deeds, solutions to a particular problem.

However, from the point of view of psychology, reaching mutual understanding is not always easy. People grew up and were brought up in a different environment, received a different education, each owns his profession, has a variety of values and habits, lead a different lifestyle. And many more factors affect the way people think and behave in a given situation.

How to connect with people

Communication is a very important part of our life. It is present in all areas of life: in the family, at work, in the store, communicating with friends, colleagues and just strangers. It is necessary to find a common language with different people in order to avoid not getting into arguments, just to be in a calm and comfortable state and always have a good mood.

Some people manage to do this easily, we can say that they received this priceless gift from nature. For others it is much more difficult. However, it is possible to learn how to find a common language and build relationships with people. Think for yourself, because at one time all our friends and colleagues were strangers to us. As an example, you can look at children, how they easily, unobtrusively and naturally make friends.

First of all, tune in to communicate with others. No need to constantly focus on yourself and your problems. Be open and friendly. Learn to listen to other people. And not only to listen, but also to hear. Be interested in what is happening in their lives, what they live, what are their hobbies, what are their plans for the future.

Try to find something in common. It can be any memories and events from the past, common interests and hobbies, the same lifestyle, similar tastes in clothes, food, books, similar plans for the future. You can also always discuss general topics, such as weather, sports, some events, hometown or country, culture and customs.

In any situation, be calm, polite, friendly. Treat your interlocutors with respect. It is worth remembering that all people are different, but sometimes it is this difference that can unite people.

Strive to see something good and good in every person. No need to pay attention to skin color, social role, status, age of a person. The most important thing in people is their morality, their inner world. Speak warm and kind words to people. It's not difficult at all, and your interlocutors will be pleased.

Share your good mood and positivity with others. People see those who know how to enjoy life and are drawn to them. Problems and difficulties happen in the life of any person. But how to treat them and overcome them is the choice of everyone.

Try not to get involved in arguments on every occasion. It turns people off. Also, you do not need to participate in gossip and intrigue, discuss someone behind your back. If they want to impose participation in them, it is better to tactfully leave or switch to something else.

Speak to the point. Before you start saying anything, think about not saying too much. Always keep promises, as this is the key to trust. If you cannot fulfill any request, do not promise, tactfully and politely refuse.

Be honest and sincere. It always wins people over.

Relationship with the child

The problem of fathers and children remains relevant at all times. The question of how to find a common language with a child is asked by each parent at a certain stage of life. At first glance, it seems nothing complicated. After all, this is your child, and you have known him all his life. But sometimes he surprises you so much with his actions and thoughts that you stop recognizing him.

It is very important to be able to recognize the feelings of the child. "But we do it!" - many may object. Is it really? Are you sure that you are not replacing the real feelings of the child with your perception and feeling? Let's consider one situation. Mom and child go home from the store, which is literally a stone's throw away. The child says he is tired. And mom replies: “Don’t invent!” Is this like acknowledging a child's feelings? Result: the child may withdraw into himself and you will no longer be able to find a common language with him. So what should have been done? Agree with the child by saying his words aloud. “Yes, it’s not far from the store to the house, but you are tired. I understand".

How to interact as an adult with a child

The child needs to be helped to understand his feelings so that he can learn to trust his own feelings. There are several ways to help with this.

Listen carefully to the child's words. Sometimes just empathy helps.
Show that you understand it. Do not criticize, do not dispute his words. It can only hurt. "Understand". “I would also be unpleasant/offended/sorry.”
Call feelings by their proper names (pain, resentment, annoyance, irritation, anger, etc.). Don't be afraid, you won't be harmed by this.
Demonstrate that you heard the wishes of the child, and show imagination.

How to get along with someone else's child

There are times when it is necessary to establish contact with someone else's child. For example, you came to visit friends who have children, or you were asked to sit with the child for an hour. Below are a few tips on how to better behave with children in order to build rapport.

You should treat the child as an ordinary person, just a small one. Speak to him calmly, in a normal tone without excessive "lisping".

Squat or bend over so that you are at eye level with your child.

If you want to praise a child, it is better to focus on any details of clothing or a toy that may be in his hands. Don't touch anything personal, it can make the child more shy.

Talk about his things, toys or books. Play what he wants. Don't force your games.

Follow some fairly simple tips and you will be able to get along with someone else's child without any problems.

How to approach teenagers

A common language with a teenager is also not always easy to find. But relationships can be improved. First of all, the child must feel loved, no matter what happens (regardless of grades at school, problems with others, etc.).

It is necessary to let the child understand that parents are the best and truest friends. A child should turn to mom and dad with any problem and be sure that they will support him and help him solve any problem, no matter how difficult it may be.

It is necessary to lay down to discuss not only serious issues, but also everyday affairs. Try to create a friendly, relaxed atmosphere, have fun together. Be interested in the child's hobbies, his thoughts and desires. Find time for a heart to heart talk. And then your child will trust you, listen to you and appreciate your advice.

Common language in English

Communicating in a non-native language is always difficult. In today's world, English is very common. It is considered to be international. International conferences, exhibitions, events are held, as a rule, in English. And if you just go on vacation abroad, you will have to deal with communication in English.

There is no need to be afraid that they will not understand you, be friendly, open to communication, follow all the advice regarding finding a common language, and you will not be afraid of any.

Like I speak Russian. And around me are not foreigners. I feel like no one understands me. And how to communicate with them is not clear.

Take, for example, your husband. Probably twenty times already dripped on the brain: “Vasya, fix the tap! Vasya, fix the faucet!” Well, how else to say? Did I say something incomprehensible? Does not help. But I know for sure that about once in the fiftieth I run the risk of waiting for him to simply slam his fist on my back with a psycho. There was already a case ... Here's how, in general, you can find a common language with this person, huh ?!

And my daughter is no better. Some kind of fifa is growing, forever "in the image." Getting ready for kindergarten every morning is a real torment. First, we change our blouses a hundred times, because “this one is not so pretty, but that one lacks shiny rhinestones.” I explain in normal Russian: frost in the yard! What strasses? A warm, practical sweater is needed. And she is in tears.

The road to the kindergarten is a real hard labor. Here are some other words to explain that we are late?! “Ah, look how the snowflakes shine here! Oh, what kind of cat is running, she’s probably cold, let’s take her home? My teeth are already grinding with a gnashing, but this is not at all from the cold.

Mother-in-law is just a separate song. Unfortunately, not without words. Just words there, well, a lot, rumbles like a magpie. And it still languishes over my missus, as if it were him going to the kindergarten in the morning: “How are you, Vasenka, my golden one? It's cold outside, don't forget to wear a scarf!

I tried to hint at my own head that a grown man does not have to call his mother thirty times a day. His nostrils flared, and his jaw protruded forward: “How can you?! It's MOM!!!" All right, put out the light, I can't take it anymore.

In the swamp of misunderstanding

In fact, relationships between people often collapse precisely because of the inability to understand each other. Due to misunderstanding, the husband disagrees with his wife, or the children stop communicating with their parents. And to understand how to communicate with a mother-in-law or mother-in-law is generally beyond reality, a task not for the faint of heart.

It often happens that only sitting at the already broken trough, we begin to ask questions: “Why do people not want to communicate with me? Why did my daughter stop talking to me, or why does my son ignore my calls? How to find a common language with parents?

In such a situation, it is very painful for us: after all, often it is a break with the closest and dearest people.

Why don't we understand each other

Indeed, sometimes it seems that we speak different languages. Why is this happening?

The fact is that we are arranged in the same way only externally: everyone has legs, arms and a head. But a man lives by his thoughts and desires, values and attitudes, innate inclinations and natural qualities. In a word, his psyche. And here we are completely different, since the set of our natural qualities and properties, which are called vectors in Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, is different for everyone.

However, without a systematic perception of the psyche of another person, we cannot understand the reasons and motives for his actions, they seem strange to us. After all, we see them and try to evaluate it through ourselves. “Here I would, for example… If I were in his place, I would never… Is it really incomprehensible to him that…”

Of course he doesn't understand. It is different and arranged differently.

There is simply no other way than to figure out how we are arranged. Do you want to know how to communicate with people? Then let's start!

Vasenka-slow-moving

Here is Vasenka in front of us. By the way, the best husband and father. He was not seen in adultery, he blows dust off his daughter. True, sometimes it sticks to its sofa so that you can’t pull it off with ticks. And he always puts off repairing the notorious faucet until tomorrow.

Vasenka needs a certain approach. This person is naturally slow and unhurried, it takes him more time to complete the task than the rest. But if you don’t pull and rush him, be sure that no one can handle the repair of the crane better than him. Because it works the same way: slowly, carefully and efficiently, "on the conscience".

For such a person, gratitude and respect are very important. Especially within the framework of his family: after all, as Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology explains, it is vital for the owner to feel that he is the real master in the house.

Bullet Wife

But his wife, the owner, sees Vasya in a completely different way. For her, he is a “brake” and “well, how many more times to repeat.” She evaluates him through her own qualities: she is naturally fast, dexterous, appreciates time and saves resources.

She endlessly pulls and urges Vasya, and he falls into a stupor even more from this. In addition, instead of gratitude and respect, he constantly stumbles upon the "chainsaw Friendship" in the face of his own girlfriend in life. When Vasya's patience (very long, but not infinite) finally bursts, the wife gets the dubious pleasure of seeing the "dark side of the anal vector" - assault.

Cotton-eyed daughter

And maybe both would have spat and fled, but children appear in the family. In our case, a sweet, unearthly creature with wide eyes.

“Oh, what a beautiful flower! Oh what a blue sky! - the little owner observes life in such bright colors. Our "sweet family couple" is unaware that they have a future actress or artist, ballerina or designer. With a favorable upbringing, such a girl may well grow into a deeply compassionate person, capable of actively helping the sick and weak.

But without a systemic perception, a practical skin mother sees in her simply a fool unadapted to life, who cannot even understand that in winter you need to dress warmly, and not beautifully. And her dad scares her from time to time, as a joke. True, after these jokes, the emotional and hypersensitive spectator is frightened not only by the darkness, but even by her own shadow.

There is no demand, but no one canceled the consequences

In fact, as long as we are not aware of the psychological characteristics of not only other people, but even our own, there is no demand from us. After all, no one taught us the basics of psychological literacy at school.

Nevertheless, we receive negative consequences in full measure. We do not know how to find a common language with a person, because we do not understand how he lives and breathes. What features does it have by nature.

And we pay with the breakup of the family, the loss of relationships with children and even our social realization. We also work among people.

The only alternative to these losses is our psychological literacy, the ability to see another person as he is.

Educational program for a happy life

The main result of the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan is the ability to live happily among other people, it is easy to find a common language. They have already left their feedback on how easy it has become for them to understand their children and marriage partners, friends and colleagues.

After the training, the barriers between us collapse, and communication begins to bring pleasure:

We are aware of the reasons and motives for the actions of our parents, and this helps us get rid of the long-term burden of mutual claims and insults:

Relationships in a couple begin to be built on the basis of a deep understanding of the characteristics of a partner and bring mutual happiness:

We become able to understand our children, realize their innate properties and talents, and we grow happy and fulfilled personalities:

Are you interested in how to communicate with an adult child? Or maybe you can’t figure out how to find a common language with your parents? Don't know how to communicate with your mother-in-law, mother-in-law or a harsh boss at work?

In systems-vector psychology there are answers to any such question. Register for free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

I could never find a common language with my parents, and in general, to be honest, with people. Well, of course - you can talk about the weather with friends and with unfamiliar people. But when I start to decide something, even some trifle, especially with close people, everything goes awry. Either I speak incomprehensibly, or something ... Well, they don’t understand me. And it infuriates me - I just turn to screaming. And I understand that this is wrong. But I can't stop. And the nerves are on edge. Already the eye began to twitch. What to do? How to calm down and how to learn to easily find a common language, so that without psychos and nerves?

In your question, you very correctly placed the accents - indeed, the problem lies not in other people who do not respond to your words, but in ourselves. Because it is we who fail to convey our idea by formulating it correctly.

And a cry, an irritated conversation in raised tones is always a reaction not to your interlocutor, but to your own internal states. The most interesting thing is that screaming in this situation not only does not help, but on the contrary, exacerbates the problem. After all, shouting does not work to improve your condition, get rid of irritation, shortages, stress.

How to find a common language with people in life without shouting and swearing?

Think for yourself - if the other person does not understand the meaning of the words spoken in a calm voice, then it is unlikely that it will reach him if you shout the same thing. Yes, yelling is psychologically overwhelming, which can lead to the other person simply agreeing with you without even understanding what you are asking for. But there is a possibility that he will start shouting back, defending his innocence. In any of these cases, the cry does not help to find a common language with people, but on the contrary, it drives us into the abyss of misunderstanding and hostility. Relationships, as a rule, deteriorate after such communication, and it is very difficult to fix them.

The ability to find a common language with others is also a skill. And it can be learned. Almost every modern adult is capable of this. You have already taken the first step towards this - you have recognized that the problem is in you. This is a huge step that most of us do not overcome in a lifetime.

It plays an important role in communication between people. Understanding the desires and goals of others, a person reacts in time to a particular situation. This helps to quickly adapt and make the right decision.

How to understand people

It has long been known that the feelings and emotions of a person can be recognized through facial expressions, movements and manner of speech.

First of all, a person pays attention to the face. It can be sad, funny, thoughtful. But to determine the emotional state only with its help is quite difficult. After all, people are able to hide their emotions by controlling facial expressions. It is enough to make a "stone" face and no one will guess about the real intentions.

Movements and postures can tell more about the interlocutor. Each person has their own specific gait. It is easy to recognize emotional experiences by it. A person who is angry has a heavy gait. And people with long strides are filled with a sense of pride and importance. With anxiety, a person almost does not wave his arms while walking. Feeling happiness and joy, walking becomes easy. But it is not always possible to analyze emotions in the body. If the interlocutor is sitting, then his gait is not known.

To understand another person, you need to imagine yourself in his place. Look at the situation from his point of view. It's pretty simple. But in most cases, other people's problems rarely bother anyone. People do not want to hear and see what they are trying to show and tell. They are concerned about personal problems. And in return they receive the indifference of others.

Sometimes it's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes. And the desire to do this is not always present. Explain to yourself that this is not in vain, and as a result, all efforts will pay off. If you learn to understand others, then they will listen and understand you.

How to get along with people

There are several ways to find a common language with other people:

Before you start communication, think over the text of the phrase. Speak calmly, without rushing. Don't talk too much to avoid saying too much.
Sometimes, having promised something, people forget to fulfill the promise. And others, without waiting, stop them. Therefore, you must either keep your promises or promise nothing.
Compliment people more often, praise them and thank them. So you get the location of the person.
You don't have to force your relationship. Someone does not want to communicate with you, so he wants to. This is his right. If they want to tell you something secret, listen to the person. This will help you get closer and gain the trust of the interlocutor. If you don't want to listen to other people's problems, explain it to the person in a gentle way. You can't please everyone, but you will be respected.
A positive attitude attracts people. Share your joyful mood. Everyone has problems in life. Strive to be easy on everything, and earn the sympathy of people.
It is advisable not to argue if you are not sure that you are right. It's better to agree than to end up arguing. Those who argue a lot are not particularly favored.
Don't spread gossip or listen to it. Gossips are almost universally disliked.
Take criticism lightly. It does not always mean that they want to offend you. Perhaps they want to tell you what to look for. This is a chance for further development.
Feel free to ask others what is new to you. This means that you are ready to learn, to improve.
Be honest.

How to find a common language with a child

Children need love and care. They often miss it. Then they begin to be rude, cease to obey. All this is done just to make sure of your love. If you approach and hug the child, he will feel your calmness, calm down and begin to hear you. By accepting a child regardless of his behavior, you will help him understand that bad behavior is not necessary.

To find a common language with your child, try these tips:

Let him show his emotions. Let him feel that he is understood. Try to compromise in different situations.
As soon as he turns into a thorn, caress him. Hug, kiss, joke with him. He will receive additional attention from your side and gain self-confidence.
Don't scold the child. After all, an upset mother is already a punishment. Just don't pretend to be upset. This is already a scam.
Try to allow more. After all, sometimes parents forbid something, because they are too lazy to break away from other things.
Share kindness. Children learn to show emotions by studying their effects on their parents. They are very sensitive at a young age, especially boys. Add more affection and love.
Allow mistakes to be made. If the child shows a desire to help you, let him try. Explain to him how to do it right. When he succeeds, he will rise. He will be proud of himself. A happy child means happy parents.

Communication with people is a rather delicate matter, sometimes it is not easy to find points of understanding. But experience says that if there is a desire, you can still find a common language and points of contact with any person, no matter what your life views were with him.

The main thing that is required of you is to show respect and interest in the interlocutor during the conversation. People make a mistake if they state and impose their position, opinion, demands, generally ignoring attention to those with whom they speak.

How to find a common language with people?

So, here are ten commandments on how to get along with people:

Don't talk anything Try to say less of what's on your mind. Before you say something, think it over, and say it in a calm voice.
Promised? Now do it. And so that this does not happen, do not promise more than you can give.
Speak kind words. If there is an opportunity, or you want to say kind words to someone, act! Appreciate the work, regardless of who did it. If you work, for example, in an online store, thank the client for the purchase made. If a person asked you to criticize him or something else, criticize but in such a way as not to offend him.
Respect not only yourself. Try to adapt to everyone (but not fanatically), is the person happy with something? Take an interest in this, discuss it with him, does the person feel bad? Help him with advice, listen to him. When people realize that they are not indifferent to you, they begin to reach out to you.
To each his own load. Enjoy life, even if something is wrong with you, others want to communicate with joyful people, all reach out to those who smile and who have no problems. But everyone has problems, just try not to hang your problems on others.
Agree with a dispute if you are not sure you are right. It is better to say that you agree than to argue and then bet. Few people like people who like to argue.
Don't discuss. Never support gossip, when you hear gossip it is better to leave, or be distracted by something else. Nobody likes gossips.
Don't joke with people. Many people think that if you play a trick on a person (break off), then you become one level higher, and everyone respects you. This is an erroneous opinion, having offended a person, people will begin to treat you much worse. People will not want to talk to you because they are afraid that you will play a trick on them.
Don't respond to bad comments directed at you. Remember, the one who knows how to remain silent at the right time is strong. Many people think if a person is silent at the moment when they insult him or say something ridiculous about him, then this is true. In fact, by keeping silent, you prove that you do not care what was said in your direction, because you know that this is a lie. People feel it!
Don't admire what you have. Let others do it for you. It's much nicer.