How to restore family relationships after infidelity? Let's be true to our own soul

03.08.2019

Cheating is an event that completely turns a woman's life. How to restore trust after infidelity? Adultery happens in a variety of circumstances. Sometimes this is a blow out of the blue, when a woman, trusting completely her husband, does not expect betrayal on his part. And sometimes the betrayal that happened confirms the guesses and thoughts of the wife.

It is especially difficult to experience betrayal if it is a complete surprise. Until this moment, the woman lived in a comfortable world for herself, where she completely trusted her husband and never thought that another would appear in his life.

When this happens, the world that the woman has created for herself is destroyed, her idea of a man radically changes. Faith is undermined. The integrity of the couple is violated.
Cheating is very difficult and sometimes it is impossible to restore it.

If a woman completely trusted her husband and did not assume that he was capable of communication with another, then, of course, it is difficult to survive betrayal and trust him, as if nothing had happened.

It is important to understand that it will not be like before. Cheating is a new starting point in a relationship. After it, either you can open new facets of the relationship, or, on the contrary, the relationship will spiritually cease to exist, even if you stay together.
It is impossible to return to the relationship that was previously.

This part of your life and your relationship needs to be said goodbye. The end is the beginning.

When cheating occurs, the woman usually automatically blames the man. But cheating is the end point in a play that they started writing together long before that. There is no smoke without fire. And infidelity does not happen out of the blue. Often a woman does not notice how she emotionally fenced off her husband from herself, how she broke off the emotional connection, closed the door of her own heart for him, having driven the partner out of her soul and taking his place with something (work, hobby) or someone else (relatives, child , girlfriends).
Or, maybe, on the contrary - a woman let a man into her world too much, not just forgot about herself, but lost herself and became too accessible and open. Leaving no room for herself and filling all the space with a man, she, without realizing, strangles her husband with her love and attention, and he seeks salvation. Another partner, like a fresh gulp and a convenient harbor for rescue.

Perhaps you do not stifle a man with love and do not push him away from you, but your choice was originally made in favor of a person who is cheating not for any reason, but just like that, out of habit.
You need to understand that some men find another woman because of loneliness, fleeing the feeling of their uselessness. Others, on the contrary, get tired of their spouse, there is too much of her in their life, she is too dependent and affectionate. A person who is by nature a hero-lover does not care which woman is next. In spite of everything, he lives by the principle “I take one berry, look at another, notice the third, and see the fourth”.

Adultery is like a sharp toothache, showing you inflamed foci of infection. Moreover, these centers are in your soul. Cheating suggests that you did something wrong. Or they were initially mistaken in their choice. Or they made mistakes during their lifetime. Of course, both are to blame. But it is important for you to understand your own soul and life.

It is only possible to fully restore trust if you change your views on cheating. If you can, you will see more in betrayal than just betrayal.

Cheating happens in order to awaken a woman from HER sleep. If you see HIS betrayal in your husband's unfaithfulness, then it will be very difficult to revive the faith.
In this case, a lot depends on the man, his behavior. If he repent, is attentive and helpful, understands women's experiences and is very careful with his wife, then it is quite possible that she will eventually be able to restore trust. But in this case, the achieved result will always depend on male behavior.

A little something wrong, and you will relive the drama again. Thoughts will periodically by themselves return you to the experiences of betrayal.
It is almost impossible to restore faith. But it can arise in a new relationship with the same person. I have already said that after infidelity it is impossible to return to the old relationship. But you can build new ones.
How to restore trust after infidelity? To do this, you need to grow spiritually, reach a different level of your development, comprehend a lot in your life and yourself. You need to move away from the accusatory position and understand that the man reflects one of your repressed parts.

Finding this part in your inner world and seeing your actions in relation to other people, you will be able to understand your spouse.
If you find similar behavior in your life, then try to understand how you felt at that moment. Try to find the reasons for your behavior. Only through the prism of yourself can you understand and forgive your partner.

Trust comes back after true forgiveness, which comes when you find something similar in yourself. By forgiving and accepting yourself, you will be able to accept and forgive your husband. I know it's very difficult to agree with this. It's much easier to blame him. But he came into your life with your consent.

Unfortunately, a woman places her hopes and expectations on her spouse. Faced with betrayal, she is completely sure that her partner is to blame and expects from him behavior that would calm her down.

Of course, a man can help his wife to be affectionate and helpful with her. But the secret is that no matter how he behaves, a woman should not depend on it. She needs to try to cope on her own. A man can only help, but no more.
The husband is your karmic teacher. And he brings pain into your life that you could not live through as a child. With betrayal, past pain revives. And you have a chance to heal your soul. Without developing spiritually and thinking about the deep meaning of what happened, it will be very difficult for you to restore trust.

If you see only the husband's fault in what happened, then you thereby make him responsible for it. But in a relationship, there are always two.

Trust is an indispensable companion of love. You have a chance, through understanding and forgiveness, to open the way to deep love and new dimensions in your relationship.

According to statistics, 19% of spouses get divorced immediately after treason is discovered. 75% of the rest will divorce within 18 to 24 months. And if you also consider that infidelity happens in good marriages, and this does not save you from divorce, then the question arises. Why is even a good marriage incapable of recovering from infidelity? After all, spouses are really trying to restore relations, arrange a second honeymoon, buy gifts, spend months trying to be careful, considerate, loving, trying to compensate for what they have lost.

And there is a reason. And many do not even know which one.

When it comes to long term relationships - good = average... In other words, in marriage (as in many other areas of life) "good" yields an ordinary, average result instead of an excellent, exceptional one.

What is "average"? It's mediocre or run-of-the-mill. This does not mean that being in a successful marriage is bad. My point is that when it comes to marriage, then "good" can be a code for the word "mediocrity."

The mediocrity trap

Mediocrity is convenient - it only takes a minimum of effort.
- Mediocrity is predictable - there is no spontaneity.
- Mediocrity is safe - no risk.
- Ordinary lazy - reduced energy.
- Mediocrity is cheap - requires a minimum investment.
- Mediocrity is unremarkable - it can be easily copied.
- Mediocrity is not exclusive - everyone can get it.
- Mediocrity is indifferent - it lacks passion.

Although mediocrity requires a minimum of effort, even that minimum is quickly depleted. You may ask, and what is important to all of this?

The connection is as follows: the first wish of couples whose relationship was shaken by infidelity - “ so that everything becomes as before". They want everything to return to normal, that is, before treason is revealed.

Do you understand what this means? This means that for the most part, they would like to go back, do the same things, say the same words, act and live the same, follow the old script, in general, create the same marriage that they already had and which led to the known result. Unsurprisingly, nearly 80% of marriages fall apart.

Cheating is like an earthquake. If you restore a destroyed structure, then it will be as vulnerable as before. If you want to feel safe in your new home, you will have to build it more solid.

It's the same in marriage. It is not enough to forgive, reconcile, and rebuild a relationship. These are just the first steps. The next step (which many don't) is the most important. It is necessary to rebuild the marriage and create a relationship that is immune to infidelity.

And this is where the fun begins. On the example of my work with couples who have gone through the experience of cheating, it happens like this.

The cheated partner goes through all the stages of rehabilitation, gets rid of negative emotions, obsessive thoughts, depressive states, the relationship with the spouse is restored, cheating in the past, and in the present love, forgiveness, passion and hope for the best. And when I remind you that the most important stage is ahead - the creation of strong, invulnerable to betrayal relationships, everyone agrees, nods their heads that they need to work further, but with the proviso “Oh, now we are so good, we want to be in this state so much, we are so we are worn out that we don’t want to do anything, so let's pamper a little more and continue. "

Do you think the sequel should be? As you might guess, only a few continue, the rest come back after a couple of months with the same problems they came with the first time. And it went running in a circle, only much harder and more painful.

Therefore, if your marriage is shaken by treason, know:

1. Little effort will not help.
2. It is not enough to rebuild, you need to rebuild, make it better, stronger and safer.
3. To do as good as it was is not enough; you need to do better than it was.
4. And perhaps most importantly. It’s pointless and stupid to follow the course that your marriage used to take.

After infidelity, marriage will never be the same. But this is not bad news, but good news. Bury the thought that the relationship you're used to was "so beautiful." And bury the thought that you don't have a more passionate, loving, open, and honest relationship.

They are available to you!

Yes, treason destroys the agreement, but at the same time it makes it possible to enter into a new agreement. This is a turn sign on the road, not a road end sign. It means that you just have to take a better road.

A couple who have gone through cheating needs a better marriage model, a better marriage map, and relationship skills and strategies that help maintain the “good” that never stops growing and developing.

It hurts. I understand. Cheating has never made anyone happy. At least in the long run.

But on the other hand, she changes a lot in the relationship between a man and a woman, and sometimes makes families stronger! But only those who were able to pass this test with dignity.

Yes, the topic is serious today, the problem is too. But, first, you need to pull yourself together, stop dramatizing and not dwell on the negative.

Because it's time to act!

I will not talk about how to get a husband back from his mistress. Consider a situation where cheating has already happened and you have decided

Here you need to remember about 3 things:

There is no “just like that”. Nobody cheats on anyone "suddenly" and "accidentally". The reason is always in the relationship, which, apparently, gave a serious crack. And the lover that appeared is just a catalyst, not a reason.

By the way, she also suffers in your Exception - when a man is a chronic gigolo, but you didn't marry that, did you?

Victim position- drop it. Go to a higher level and say to yourself: "I am responsible for everything that happens in my life." Did your husband cheat? So you took part in this exactly No more, no less. You need to figure it out.

Bonus. Many families who have passed this test have experienced betrayal and become much stronger. Spouses learn to appreciate each other when, instead of hysterics, they meet wisdom and healthy rationalism.

If you correctly identify the reason for the betrayal, work on relationships and mistakes, you can move on.

This situation indicated some kind of jambs. Within the family - in the female influence zone. Outside - in society, in a man's. He went to look for something in another woman that he lacked in his family.

This means that there is a chance to work out the problem and improve your feminine qualities, and build relationships anew, healthier and happier.

In no way am I making excuses for male cheaters, I am simply explaining the mechanism.

First question

... which you need to ask yourself if you find out about the betrayal not “Why do I need this?”, But “Why do I need this?”.

The Universe has already given you a thousand opportunities, messages, to notice that in your relationship someone has taken a wrong turn.

And you didn’t hear, didn’t see, or ignored a thousand times - did it happen? Admit it in the comments.

Imagine that your man's mistress is a postman. Yes, this is such a strange comparison, yes. He brought you a package. And you, instead of reaching out and taking him away, yell at him and call him a "prostitute."

So ... No need to yell at the postman. Take the package and move on.

And also think about this: if, in addition to your husband, there were 3-4 more worthy men in your close circle, who are not indifferent to you, more successful, wealthy, worthy than him.

If you love each other and have decided to restore family - you need to go at least 5 steps.

Step 1. Realization

The most important thing in a relationship is balance. I will repeat this until each of you remembers. If it is violated, problems begin. There is a law of relations: what I give - I get it.

Put everything on the shelves, and you ask direct and frank questions, and not with hints and reproaches put him in a completely guilty position. Here too - frankness for frankness.

Disclaimer: and be hysterical. And just talk calmly. Sincerely, frankly, heart to heart.

Of course, this requires the appropriate setting, time and mood. Not a five-minute before and after work, but a heart-to-heart talk, from which no one and nothing will distract.

If for some reason this is not possible, write a letter. What is difficult to say is easier to write. That you love him, appreciate, value him, want to build a happy family.

Ask, what does he lack in marriage for happiness, what does he expect from you as a woman, what would like to change or fix.

Step 4. Development

I understand, it's trite, but I don't get tired of talking about it over and over again. Your femininity is his masculinity, your loyalty is his loyalty.

A gentle, fragile, attentive, well-groomed, smiling, strong weak woman is one who is not cheated on.

Be that kind of woman.

Step 5. Reanimating trust

The basis of the relationship. After the betrayal, this will be difficult. Even when you realize that it was partially my own fault.

Cheating is an opportunity to learn to trust not only your own choice, but also life. Her processes. You need to understand that life does not put a pig on you.

It is never unfair. Through people and situations, she gives you the opportunity to become wiser and more experienced. This is already a reason to trust.

But step by step, little by little, you will come to this. Otherwise, why then maintain a relationship at all.

Shake it up!

Cheating leads to feelings. Yes, this is a difficult test. And yes, not everyone can accept it with dignity.

But everyone's choice is to finish everything and run away or start a new life. Both will become wiser and more experienced.

In any case, neither one nor the other path will be easy. But then this is a chance to become happy at last!

In love
yours Yaroslav Samoilov.

Any emotion is realized through the body: if it were not for us, there would be nothing to experience experiences, in particular, anxiety. At the biological level, stressful experiences are characterized by the release of a certain set of hormones, muscle contraction, and other factors. Chinese medicine, based on the concept of "qi" (energy), explains emotional outbursts by the quality of its movement. Even if you do not believe that our body works on natural energy, the exercises suggested below will help you to reduce the level of anxiety.

Cheating is a heavy blow to relationships that often kills them. It doesn't matter if you or she cheated. The customer assumes full responsibility for all his actions under this Agreement, which will be carried out by him after the conclusion of this Agreement.

How to restore relationships after infidelity, to live fully? Build the new without trying to reanimate the old? Talk to your spouse how he sees the marriage next. Whether it is possible to restore relations after the husband's betrayal will be seen from his decision.

You want to forgive the betrayal and return everything to square one, but you don’t know how ... Resentment, the feeling that you have been betrayed, rage, anger interferes. How to rebuild love and not go crazy?

Remember, cheating is not over.

Clinical psychologist Ivan Alimenko cites the following statistics: 90% of men and 70% of women admit that violated the oath of allegiance to a partner at least once in a lifetime. But at the same time, not all unions break up after this sad event. “If you cannot forgive and break off the relationship, there is a chance that the situation will repeat itself in your new marriage. The fact is that treason is a crisis, but not yet the final of the novel. Now both of you should try to become closer to each other, to exchange for your love, ”the expert says.

According to statistics, the number of divorces among couples who have been married for more than 25 years is increasing. What leads to the breakup of such marriages? Spouses will name many reasons for divorce. For example: "We do not love each other", "She does not understand me", "He does not help me", "We have nothing more to talk about."

After the betrayal, this will be difficult. Even when you realize that it was partially my own fault. Cheating is an opportunity to learn to trust not only your own. Otherwise, why then maintain a relationship at all. Shake it up! Cheating leads to feelings of incomprehensible relationships.

To restore partnership with a changed spouse, you need to behave as follows: 1. When communicating with your spouse, you need to stop giving mutual assessments, talking about betrayal, and showing emotions. Maintain purely formal communication.

Ask for a gift

“Before deciding what you both lacked in a relationship, choose an expensive gift from your beloved: a car, jewelry, apartment, watch,” advises Ivan Alimenko. Let the amount be tangible enough for your partner. Such an act on his part will help you a little deal with resentment.

Take care of youself

Now you need energy, which, alas, seemed to slip through your fingers when you found out about everything. In the first days after the apocalypse, it is especially important to avoid fatigue and hunger. Sleep the prescribed eight hours a day, try to eat right (if a piece does not fit in your throat, that is, at least something), do not overdo it with alcohol. Surround yourself with true friends who will support you get rid of energy vampires in your life.

Libido, sexual attraction, consists of two components: neurohumoral and emotional-volitional. Neurohumoral is primarily the level of hormones responsible for the formation of libido. And the emotional-strong-willed is a psychological component: the attractiveness of the partner, the level of relations with him, the psychoemotional state. Therefore, with all its diversity, the reasons why you do not want sex are divided into two large groups: organic and psychological. You just have to wait © Courtesy: Passion.ru

Very often after infidelity, if the partners stay together, then there is a feeling that something very important between them has broken down and it is impossible to fix it. In my practice, I often meet women whose husbands cheated on them.

You can establish contacts after betrayal by joint activities. It doesn't matter what it will be: cleaning the house, going to the hypermarket on the weekend, going to Treason - this is a whole test for both you and your partner. Do not pressure him with your questions.

If your man does not have sex addiction or other mental health problems, most likely cheating is a sign of problems in a couple... Perhaps you have accumulated grievances or you have become too distant from each other, plunging into a career or caring for children - there are a lot of options. It's important to figure out exactly what went wrong. It is difficult to say now: there is a great chance to break into mutual criticism and accusations. Ivan Alimenko proposes such tactics - let each of you answer four questions in writing: “What does my partner need to be happy (happy)?”, “What do I want from him, what do I lack in our relationship?”, “What I want to change in myself, where am I insincere with myself? "," Why was this test given to me, what should it bring into my life? " Then discuss each point, see how well you understand each other, what promises you are ready to make.

Conduct an audit

Ivan Alimenko explains: “Research shows that a strong relationship should have daily declarations of love, at least five kisses and three compliments to each other a day, the ability to apologize and admit mistakes on time, good sex two or three times a week, romantic dates, on which you only two - at least once a month. " So make a schedule! Try not to concentrate on what happened in the past, but to live in the present - then you and your loved one will have a chance to survive the betrayal and appreciate each other even more.

The unique diet triggers the restoration of the pancreas. American scientists were able to prove this.

Stop cheating and cheating. If in this relationship it is you who are cheating on your partner or cheating on him - end it once and for all before you start restoring relations with your partner or spouse. This step is non-negotiable.

After the relationship ends, you should first ask yourself if you are serious about keeping the family together. If you do not want to be together, then it is better to break up. Identify the reasons for cheating. You must internally analyze your motivation, rationale, and background.

Text: Anna Volodina

How to recognize the wrong partner.
I recently met my friend Rick. He said that his wife was having an affair and that they were getting divorced. I was upset: they seemed to me a harmonious couple. But, on reflection, I came to the conclusion that in their relationship it was possible to notice signs that increase the risk of cheating. Despite the fact that cheating happens quite often, you can protect yourself if you find the right partner. To do this, already during the first meeting, you need to evaluate a new acquaintance by answering a few questions. Despite the fact that cheating happens quite often, you can protect yourself if you find the right partner. To do this, already during the first meeting, you need to evaluate a new acquaintance by answering a few questions.