The reasons for the quarrel in a young family. From conjugal jealousy. If there are constant quarrels in the family ...
Why do newly-made parents have misunderstandings, misunderstandings and scandals after the birth of a baby? What are the most common pitfalls? What to do in such cases?
The reason for quarrels in the family after the birth of a baby is hormones
The first reason for this is hormonal changes in a woman's body. When breastfeeding, oxytocin and prolactin are secreted to form milk, the mother's mood changes in waves from feeding to feeding, and it seems that it does not belong to her at all. In the first months, a woman is focused on the needs of the child and may pay less attention to her husband. Moreover, a loved one can be annoying.
What helps? Joint daily rituals, bathing the baby or an evening walk, talking over a cup of tea make it possible to feel love and support for each other. A person who is a "pillow" when feeding will receive unexpectedly a lot of gratitude.
What doesn't work? Silencing the problem, spending time together at the expense of a possible night's sleep.
The second reason for quarrels in a young family with a child is banal fatigue
Babies can wake up 2-5 times a night, and interrupted sleep does not bring the expected rest (a full sleep cycle lasts about 1.5 hours). Unaccustomed sleeping positions, wobbling of the child can hurt the arms and back. A man who slept for 6-7 hours without a break and worked full day also wants to rest and does not understand his wife: "You sleep all day, and still want?"
What helps? Understanding that from work and from the constant readiness to run to the child, even through sleep, fatigue is different. And the fact that the previously familiar rule "I'll sleep tomorrow" no longer works. Mom can give the father some rest after work, the father can give the mother time between feedings for a restful sleep or self-care, and be with the child. More options for rest will appear from 6 months of age, when the night's sleep becomes longer and stronger.
If the spouses are comfortable, the child can be taken to their bed for the night. This will help mom not fully wake up for feeding, and dad - to catch those moments of tenderness when a small hand grabs even his finger and holds tenaciously without letting go.
What doesn't work? Give ultimatums and accuse your soul mate of being indifferent to the child.
The third reason for marital fights is different views on caring for a baby.
When crying - take it in your arms or let him calm down himself? Give some water? Mixture? How warm to dress? The parents of the first-born are inexperienced, and some of the ideas may turn into a cold or pain in the stomach - at this moment you can often hear: "You can't do anything, I myself (a)!"
The birth of a child is a great happiness. But the same event is considered a test and a test of the senses for strength. After all, when the feeling of novelty from parenting passes, everyday problems and quarrels begin. Why is this happening?
Baby anxiety
Young parents usually have no experience in caring for babies. Therefore, at first they are very careful with the child, they are afraid to harm him. For example, one of the spouses opens the window to ventilate the room, and the other immediately accuses him of trying to "chill the little ears". Or one checks the temperature of the water in the bath, and the second takes it as distrust. And here a lot depends on the already established relationship within the couple. Young parents, especially mothers, have to make an effort to trust their partner.
Advice: often remind yourself that babies survived even in the wild, and a diaper or a wrongly shaped nipple worn backwards will definitely not harm your baby.
Modern mothers take most of the advice of grandmothers with hostility. Indeed, the rules in pediatrics have changed dramatically over the past couple of decades. Instead of feeding according to the regime, feeding on demand came, instead of juice at two months - the first complementary food at six months ... Sometimes the district doctor adds his personal opinion, which does not coincide with the view of grandmothers and articles on the Internet. Tired parents find themselves in the middle of a clash of many points of view.
The main rule is never to argue with your husband in front of grandmothers, and even more so do not appeal to them in a quarrel. More often than not, this will only add fuel to the flames of conflict.
Advice: choose a reliable source of information that you and your husband trust. It can be a pediatrician, an experienced friend with many children, some kind of reference for parents. And remember, the voice of grandmothers is advisory, they can advise, tell, but the parents must decide.
All attention is to the baby
Young dads are often offended by their wife's inattention. Mom spends all her time with the baby, dad gets a dinner of semi-finished products and an iron with a mountain of diapers. Alas, this cannot be changed. The first child is a huge stress, the mother has to make dozens of decisions almost every hour in completely new unfamiliar situations. And she has the right to expect that an adult man will be able to control the availability of food in the house and the supply of clean socks for some time.
Advice to wife: involve your husband in caring for the child, do not be afraid to give him a crumb in his hands. Help him realize himself as a father, get used to this role.
Advice to husband: support your wife. Praise the child, iron the diapers, make dinner. It will take only a month or a month and a half, and the wife will be able to organize life with the baby, start cooking normal food and ironing shirts. The main thing is to endure until this moment without accusations and conflicts.
Psychologists say that young children subconsciously "remember" all quarrels and conflicts. And most importantly, in their future family, they are likely to cope with fights just like their parents. Therefore, since conflicts cannot be avoided anyway, try to resolve them constructively, through negotiations. Let the kid learn to negotiate by your example.
Lovely ones scold - only amuse themselves. This is what the proverb says. But the moral "bruises" of young spouses after such "fun" remain very serious. And they spoil the family climate thoroughly for a long time. Therefore, I will try to help at least a little in solving the issue: quarrels in a young family - what to do? And help is extremely necessary, since there are no young couples without strife. Why - see below, as well as a little advice on how to prevent a small skirmish from spilling over into an unsightly "squabble".
If there are constant quarrels in the family ...
The main reason for frequent quarrels in a young family - Each of us comes into our own married life with already formed everyday habits that our second half does not always like.
In addition to everyday skills that do not meet the understanding of the spouse, there is also a factor of misunderstanding of each other's emotional characteristics. What was considered normal in your family is reprehensible in the family of another. As an example: in the husband's family, a featherweight, on the verge of what is permissible, mate can be considered normal. In your family any rude "unintelligent" word is considered indecent. Therefore, almost any word that is considered normal for the other spouse can hurt. The same applies to actions: what is “in the order of things” for one person is an offense for another.
Let me remind you of the obvious: it is not your loved one's fault that he grew up / grew up in such an environment. During the time, your boyfriend kept a close eye on his speech. The time has come for an ordinary family life and from it began to break through what had been laid since childhood. The girl preened herself every time, even before a fleeting meeting and always tried to be "in the best way." After marriage - curlers and a dressing gown, even if cute (only the husband is grumbling for some reason).
All this can sometimes be an unpleasant surprise ... But if, then it's worth fighting for a worthy relationship, isn't it?
There are other reasons for quarrels in a young family. But they are not so "conflict-forming" and therefore we will talk about them in the following articles on family relationships. Now I will turn to the main issue of the article.
How to avoid family quarrels?
As is clear from the above, there must be quarrels in the family. Until you jointly develop your own way of dealing with "conflict" situations. Let me emphasize - joint. If one spouse tries to settle the conflict, and the other uses concession as a method of imposing his opinion ... There will be no constructive way out of the problem. But this is a negative option that does not occur in truly loving couples.
As a rule, young spouses understand that family discord must be avoided by all means. But they still don't know how and don't know how :) After all, the reasons are in the usual behavior for everyone (see above).
Therefore, you just need to analyze why you quarrel every time after getting out of another conflict. You need to think about it after the fire of emotions has subsided and you are able to calmly look at the situation from the outside. Moreover, analyze the past "skirmish with attacks" first independently and only then with your other half (important: there must be a willingness to discuss both sides).
It is highly desirable in the early stages of family life. If your other half does not believe in the possibilities of psychotherapy, then visit a psychologist alone.
The benefit will be sure, even if you get to an average specialist. Everything is very simple - by pronouncing your problem (quarrels in the family) aloud for another "neutral" person, you yourself begin to understand a lot. Namely, this is the right way to correct the situation: to understand the reason means to get rid of quarrels in your family. At least the main percentage of misunderstandings (as causes of conflicts in family life) will go away.
Note. The help of a psychologist at the initial stages of the formation of family relations is necessary. But once again I draw your attention to the fact that as described in the specialist is needed only up to a certain point.
And once again I remind you that - not an assistant in family quarrels (why - see the link). As sometimes parents do. Impartiality is not peculiar to them and advice can sometimes be harmful. Use a proven method of having a calm conversation with your loved one after reconciliation. What could be better? And more pleasant :) Good luck.
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Instructions
A person in love is in a constant sense of happiness, which is enhanced by interaction with a partner. However, love can not only inspire beautiful deeds, but also reduce the ability to reason sanely. Lovers have false expectations of their future life together. During the period of falling in love, young people are sure that all difficulties can be solved, love will last forever, and troubles and illnesses will bypass.
Unfortunately, this model of making a serious decision is obviously unsuccessful. Both men and women should be aware of the responsibility they take and anticipate possible negative consequences. Even the strongest feelings are known to weaken over time. Therefore, it is not enough to create a family only on the feeling of mutual attraction. It is very important to be aware of the potential conflicts and difficulties that no family life can do without. Willingness for marriage should be expressed in the ability to give in, forgive, find compromises, and cultivate patience for partner's mistakes.
The characteristics of the character and temperament of the future partner should be taken into account. Irritability, irascibility, categoricalness, tendency to criticism, resentment and other personal qualities significantly increase the risks of disagreements and contradictions. In order for mutual warm feelings not to be replaced by cold and alienation, it is important for future spouses to learn how to behave in controversial situations.
Mutual concessions, respect for the individual, and wisdom can help ease tensions in a relationship. In people, flaws are not excluded, so it is important to learn to accept a person for who he is. Since every person needs approval, you should control the behavioral response to certain actions of the partner that look erroneous. Intemperance and harsh assessments only exacerbate the psychological climate in the relationship.
Cognitive differences between the sexes also explain the occurrence of conflict situations. Each person reacts to hurtful situations differently. Men in most cases experience negative emotions in themselves, remaining unperturbed. While women tend to sort things out and express violent emotions. In this case, one should not demand from the partner the behavior that is expected. It is necessary to understand the motives of the actions of another person, not to remake him, demanding unconditional obedience.
It is important to understand that harmony in a relationship depends on the level of mental and personal maturity of partners. By interacting, partners adjust to each other, their characters "rub in". A common mistake is behavior that provokes conflicts and problem situations. On the contrary, common goals and interests, respect for the rights of another person to personal space, the distribution of responsibilities in everyday life and mutual assistance of spouses, strengthens the marriage.
With the birth of a child, almost every young family faces the so-called first-born crisis. It is not surprising, because with the replenishment of the family, much changes in it, and most importantly, the spouses acquire a new status: father and mother. New roles, these are new duties, responsibilities, first difficulties. Alas, not every family is able to cope with the trials. What causes conflicts most often? There are many reasons, but having designated them, moms and dads, it will become easier to put an end to quarrels in the bud.
Leaving your usual comfort zone.With the acquisition of a new status in the family, the whole way of life has also changed. The mother-child dyad was at the center of the family universe, around which everything revolves. Friends and girlfriends have faded into the background. Relationships with childless couples are no longer relevant. Many familiar things (clubs, concerts, cinemas, fishing) have moved away indefinitely.
The financial situation has changed.The father's responsibility for the future of the family makes him think about how to strengthen the material base. Child expenses became inevitable. Often the father tries to take on the additional burden of making money: he agrees to part-time jobs, gets a second job. This sense of responsibility for the family (and the dad's feeling of tiredness) can also heat up the situation in the family.
Unjustified expectations
parents can also create conflict situations. This is especially noticeable in families where the style of experiencing pregnancy was euphoric, with an uncritical attitude towards possible problems. With such an attitude during pregnancy, the child is perceived as something like a doll, a toy, the future is seen with him only in pink, rainbow colors. Faced with reality, with the understanding that a child is not a toy, but a living person, requiring proper care, treatment and mobilization of all family resources, young parents begin to panic. All this results in conflicts, recriminations. Three other negative styles of pregnancy, by the way, can also lead to conflicts after childbirth: Anxious, when the mother, due to her increased anxiety, cannot relax, and fear for the baby keeps herself and everyone around her tense. Ignoring when a woman ignored her pregnancy and the pregnancy interfered with her. The child that appears will also interfere with her. Rejecting - a style of experience with harsh negative emotions, disgust, treating the child as punishment. This attitude of the mother towards the child will be reflected in the care of the baby, which, of course, will not be understood by the spouse and the immediate environment, leading to conflicts.
Unpreparedness for parenting.Another very important cause of conflicts: unpreparedness for parenting or parental incompetence, poor understanding of the meaning of fatherhood and motherhood, the child's place in the hierarchy of values, unformed skills of caring for a baby. Low level of control over emotions, increased level of anxiety, inability to self-regulation, low stress resistance, etc. Low cognitive resources include low intellectual abilities, unwillingness to learn and master new knowledge. A familiar picture, when a young mother does not know what to grab onto, a screaming child, a chaotic, regimeless day, tiredness of both parents, and as a result scandals, screams, tears.
Intra-conjugal relations.Young mothers often forget that they now have two roles. Not only the role of the mother, but also the role of the wife. And these two roles are parallel: neither the child nor the spouse should be infringed on their rights. Conflict situations arise when a spouse suddenly begins to feel rejected. A kind of jealousy of the child appears. After all, all the attention of the wife is now primarily subordinated to the little creature. But before everything was for Him! And borscht, and an ironed shirt, and beautiful linen in the evening! With his mind he will understand what this is connected with, but with his heart it will become difficult to experience emotional and physical distance, coupled with the psychological burden of responsibility for the family. Internal tension will develop into verbal or non-verbal aggression.
Generational conflict.Of course, not only mom and dad are waiting for the baby in the family, but grandparents, ready to contribute to his upbringing, to provide all possible help. Often, however, as more experienced, the elders consider it in the order of things to aggressively infiltrate a young family with their advice, rules, including caring for a baby. Sometimes such advice is at odds with modern approaches. If such an introduction is uninvited and aggressive, it can cause a reaction of rejection, rejection, irritation. Young people are no longer only children, but also parents themselves, they are able to make decisions on their own and they have the opportunity and the right to ask for advice themselves if necessary. The situation is aggravated by the fact that each grandmother is also the mother of one of the spouses who can come to her defense. Here it is very close to the conflict.
The situation is aggravated even more if the wife begins to manipulate her husband. for example, forcing him to do something, citing lack of sleep or fatigue.
What to do?
So that the natural stress due to the appearance of a baby in the family does not end in drama, moms and dads should get acquainted with the recommendations of a psychologist. These tips will help not only to overcome conflicts and easily get out of quarrels, but also to reduce them to a minimum.
- Distribution of rolesTo avoid chaos and confusion in the first weeks and months, as well as so that some family members do not feel unnecessary and unnecessary, clearly assign responsibilities. The closest circle of the baby is the mother, then the father, then the grandparents (if they are nearby). And only after all the rest. This is the hierarchy of attachments in a baby. And the whole family does not need to push around the cradle, everyone should have their own clear powers and functions. The same procedure must be established if the spouses live separately from their parents. They should discuss among themselves in advance who will do what, who takes on what responsibilities and what is responsible for. A young mother will be able to build a daily routine by adjusting to the biological rhythm of the baby. When there is such a regime, it is easier to plan the rest. The distribution of responsibilities, contractual relationships and a competent daily routine make life much easier for young parents, leaving room for rest.
- Parents dayMom and Dad, be attentive to each other and keep your sense of humor! It will help to endure all difficulties much easier. If it is possible to leave the child with a grandmother or other close relatives, arrange for yourself at least once a month a conjugal vacation. For example, going to a restaurant or movie, a play or a concert. Anywhere. But only without a child! This brings you closer, makes it possible to relax a little, not to feel cut off from life, and at the same time allows you to miss your baby. It is also necessary to give a young mother time for her own needs, for example, to go to a beauty salon. Spend as much time as possible together, and when the baby grows up a little, take him with you to visit and to children's cafes.
- Female wisdomWith the advent of a new role as a mother, a woman does not lose her role as a wife. And the spouse should in no way feel rejected. A wise woman will never let her husband know that he has suddenly become less desirable. Breastfeeding is not a reason for a spouse to refuse sex. Otherwise, the young dad will seek solace on the side.
- Positive communicationTry to share your thoughts and feelings, be patient with each other. Remember that both of you are going through a difficult period. And more often do what gives you mutual pleasure, because the child perceives the general atmosphere in the family, and through the mother's milk can receive not only negative adrenaline (if the mother is in a stressful situation), but also endorphins, if she is happy! A child is happy when his parents are happy!