Important components in raising an obedient child. An obedient child is very dangerous
Children are, in a sense, paradoxical beings. They are simultaneously attracted "in opposite directions": they crave independence - and at the same time are very inclined to obedience. Obedience to adults is easier, it allows you to avoid conflicts "with those in power" and even receive encouragement.
Fortunately, children are also surprisingly flexible creatures: most of them somehow manage to combine both opposite tendencies in their behavior, that is, not to quarrel with us adults, and to defend their freedom. Children most often find their "middle way" between the Scylla of overt confrontation with adults and Charybdis of complete submission to them. But this is not always possible for kids.
Infrequently, but still there are children - absolute conformists who prefer to always and unconditionally obey adults. And we, parents and educators, often like such kids, we praise them, encourage them, even set them as an example. Unaware that this behavior of a child is actually a matter of the greatest concern.
Lerochka is the meekest child in the group. And her appearance corresponds to her character: she is small, plump, pink, like a funny mouse from a fairy tale.
Lerochka never sleeps during Quiet Hour. Of course, such a small child (and Lera is 5 years old) cannot just lie down: you need to occupy yourself with something. Lerochka speaks softly to Ksyusha, even begins to laugh - completely inaudibly, like a mouse. But Ksyusha suddenly burst out loud. Oh! Lerochka casts a frightened glance at the teacher and falls silent, even turns away from Ksyusha.
But the painful Quiet hour is finally over. Lesson starts in ten minutes. Ten minutes is an abyss of time! For five-year-olds, ten minutes is like ten days for us. Everyone is busy with their own affairs: playing, talking, arguing, some are even going to fight. Live life to the fullest. Everyone except Lera!
She is getting ready for work. It takes her fifteen minutes. She definitely needs to get everything in advance, spread it out, each item in its place, evenly, geometrically correct. She worries when she notices that pencils or plasticine are crooked: she immediately corrects them. Sitting and waiting for class to begin. Quiet, kind of sad.
Somehow we prepared a program for the New Year. One child during the general dance had to come forward and send a kiss to the audience-parents. But all the children were shy and categorically refused. Then they remembered Lera. And she had to do what no one wanted to do, because she does not know how to refuse.
The attendants have already left, but it is necessary to clean up the toys. Lerochka, hey! Remove soon! And she dutifully goes and cleans up.
Comfortable child. In fact, everyone loves her. Our manager, for example, does not look at Lera otherwise than with a sweet smile (like a portion of ice cream in chocolate).
But what does the girl herself feel, what is she going through? And why is she like this?
In the personal file of Lera, the first thing that attracts attention is a huge plump medical record. Why hasn't she been ill in her five years! It is clear that she is physically weak, the body is weakened. Her mother is trembling over her.
So, the girl is WEAKENED PHYSICALLY. But her main human quality is also WEAKNESS. The inability to insist on one's own, to behave independently is a SPIRITUAL WEAKNESS! And mentally, the girl is also weak: hence the love for order and accuracy. After all, unorganized, disordered space is more difficult to perceive and master. That's why she lays everything out so carefully.
So, the REASON for OBEDIENCE is the WEAKNESS OF THE CHILD! True, here I mean only children like Lera: those who obey all the time, all adults and always.
But if the child still behaves this way, is it really harmful for him? Yes, very harmful! The brilliant English psychiatrist Ronald Lang (author of the psychiatric bestseller "The Divided Self") showed with numerous examples that the main cause of schizophrenia is ... unconditional obedience in childhood! True, only if such behavior of the child was perceived by his parents as unambiguously positive and encouraged in every possible way.
Interestingly, the parents of future schizophrenics are not despots at all, not some kind of Barmalei. They do not beat, do not even scold their children. They simply systematically encourage unconditional obedience. They are happy with their children only when they are their SHADOWS, having nothing of their own, completely obeying adults.
Although, of course, not every obedient child becomes mentally ill: fortunately, this rarely happens. However, development - especially, most importantly, personal - of any such child is inhibited.
Man is by nature a self-developing being. A person is not like a lump of clay, but rather like a plant. The forces of development, the desire for development are inherent in man. But this means that the child develops only when he wants to, decides on his own and does it on his own.
Which does not exclude the need sometimes, and even quite often, to obey adults. But - not always! Total submission, alas, blocks development.
That is why a perfectly comfortable, quiet, neat, modest and unconditionally obedient child is the most difficult child, the most difficult “object” of education.
So, the tendency to unconditional obedience is a serious pedagogical problem! How to solve it? How to teach a child to disobey us?
There are three important points here.
1. The kid should not receive any encouragement, praise for obedience. In general, nothing that pleases him should be the result of obedience.
In particular, such children really like the feeling of carelessness and serenity that arises from the fact that the baby never decides anything for himself: adults do it for him. He does not bear any responsibility and does nothing himself - and this can be very pleasant for him. So, it is impossible to completely save children, even very young ones, from making independent decisions, from independent search, from independently overcoming difficulties, solving their problems.
A child on a walk got a pebble in his shoe. The child senses that something is wrong. And he runs to his mother. Alas, most mothers in such a situation do everything FOR THE CHILD - and in vain. Only very small ones, those who still do not know how to take off and put on their shoes, must be helped. It is better for the older ones, who already know how to serve themselves, to JUST EXPLAIN what and how to do, and patiently wait until the baby does everything for himself.
And so always, constantly, patiently, calmly and consistently.
It is EASIER for us to solve problems FOR THE CHILD. But in education you can not go the easiest way.
2. The second principle is to regularly put the child in such situations when it is necessary - NECESSARY! - make independent decisions. There is no need to artificially invent them: they constantly arise by themselves. What to wear for a walk? What to build from wooden cubes? What plate is it from?
Usually adults, again, decide everything without the participation of the child. And if the baby is normal - that is, naughty enough - then this is not scary. But with pathologically obedient children, this is not the way to behave.
3. With such a child, you need to constantly discuss everything that he or you are going to do with him in order to teach him to reason for himself. Any of his opinions should cause a positive reaction from adults, whatever it may be in essence. This, however, does not mean that it is necessary to do so, as the baby suggests.
For example, if you are discussing whether to go for a walk in the rain, and if you go, then what to wear, and the kid suggests walking barefoot, because it’s more fun, then such a “constructive proposal” can hardly be accepted. However, it is possible to show the child his pleasure from the fact that he himself thinks and expresses his opinion. Listen to him with interest, smile encouragingly, say “You have a great idea!” - Can.
In addition, discussion is an opportunity to come to a GENERAL decision, one that suits both you and the child: and this should be strived for. Then there will no longer be an opposition between the intentions of the adult and the desires of the child. But “obedience” is submission to OTHERS' intentions. If they are not someone else's, not someone else's, but common - that is, mine too - then the problem is removed.
A well-bred person is one who obeys himself. This is what we should strive for.
Of course, a small child cannot always obey only himself. He is still too weak, inept, too much does not know. But he can obey himself sometimes, from time to time, when possible. And he can, growing up, obey himself more and more - and less and less obey others.
This is normal upbringing and normal development.
If your child is overly obedient, you must:
1. regularly give him the opportunity and even force him to solve his problems on his own (however, only if they are clearly feasible for the child);
2. regularly put him in situations where you need to make some decision yourself (unless, of course, you are sure that this decision will not turn out to be too strange and the child will not harm himself by doing it);
3. constantly discuss with the child everything that you do with him together, trying to come to a “consensus” with the baby; encourage him when he expresses his own opinion;
4. mentally and physically harden the child, strengthen his body and psyche (in order to “harden mentally”, you need, first of all, a lot of different impressions and experiences), since obedience is a consequence of the general (physical, mental and personal) weakness of the child;
5. never praise or encourage a child for obedience in any way.
Greetings, dear friends, readers and guests. Today I come to you with another question. We talked a lot and discussed problems, which are becoming more and more. The parents of the aggressors are sounding the alarm, showing concern about their future. But there are completely different families. Families in which children are too kind and obedient. Such parents can be proud of their children, and those around them set them as an example to their “okhlomones” and “naughty ones”.
What could be better than well-mannered and friendly children who know how to communicate with adults, do not conflict with peers and do not show any aggression if they are provoked to do so. In their words, and even more so in their actions, there is not a drop of anger, anger, irritation and rage. Sometimes it seems that this is an "angel in the flesh", and such parents never have problems in communicating and interacting with the child. The people around them are quite comfortable next to them.
But is it so good when the child is too obedient and comfortable? Why am I bringing up the topic of too kind children today? Then, so that their parents think how easy and comfortable it is to lead such a “correct” life for the child himself. Even the most kind and wonderful person during his life necessarily experiences negative emotions. But the fact is that emotions do not pass with time and do not disappear into nowhere. They either accumulate, and then, even in the most insignificant situation, splash out very violently, or they immediately find their expression in verbal form or in some kind of physical action.
Most recently, we talked with a mother who complained that her son Kolya was too kind. He never fights and cannot fight back against bullies in his group in kindergarten, but only constantly complains to her. The teacher refuses to help resolve the conflict. She believes that he himself must learn to fight back, and not be a "teddy bear" who endures everything and is silent. To my mother’s question: “Why can’t you hit the offender”, Kolya replies: “It will hurt him” ...
What can be done in such a situation? First, you can teach him to speak out his feelings and his displeasure: “It hurts me and I don’t want to talk to you anymore. And only those who can’t come up with anything interesting behave like that.” In this way, he, of course, will not take revenge on the offender, but he will be able to let his indignation out.
Secondly, a traumatic situation can be lost and you can release your negative charge. The child can portray a terrible monster, chasing his friends. You can play the role of a negative character at a children's party or just arrange a home theater with your family. And you can also draw a picture on the topic of "anger" or "resentment", as well as a caricature of the offender.
If your family has problems because the child is too kind and obedient, then the most important thing is to help him change his worldview and convince him that his parents love him even when he “plays” negative roles.
Watch cartoons or children's films, and then discuss how without this talented actor who played the villain, the film would not have been so exciting and interesting. Help your child take a new look at negative roles and then, in addition to remaining obedient, he will learn to express his emotions, become an active and happy person. Having become more harmonious internally, he will certainly be able to adequately endure many of life's hardships.
Modern parents are people deeply insecure, says psychotherapist Robin Berman. How else to explain the fact that they can not always get their way, discuss their problems with children as with friends, and even allow children to raise their hands? Here are five main signs of such unfortunate educators. If you notice them in your family, then you need to urgently change something.
Too many doubts
Children learn best when you insist on it all the time. We call this "fixed reinforcement". It is this behavior of yours that teaches children what you say, what you think, and do what you say. If you don’t know how to get your way, children come to the conclusion that you are not trustworthy. Your demands are best received if they are consistent. You will be surprised how quickly a child's behavior will change if you learn to constantly and unfailingly insist on your own.
But if sometimes you insist on your own, and sometimes you give up positions, this will lead to disastrous consequences. In psychotherapy, we call this "variable reinforcement," meaning that the reinforcement received in response to a particular behavior is unpredictable.
Gambling is a great example of this phenomenon. By throwing a coin into a slot machine, you can sometimes hit the jackpot, but in the vast majority of cases this does not happen. Nevertheless, you again and again return to the machine and throw a coin with the same thought: "What if ...".
Variable reinforcement can help perpetuate bad behavior. If children feel that your threats are empty words and that you are only sometimes able to get your way, it will be almost impossible to get them to obey. If you say no but end up giving up four out of five times, your words won't mean anything.
Too many conversations
Another inflection that characterizes today's parenting culture is over-talk and over-information. Previously, it was enough for parents to say: “No, because I said so.” Well, today we, on the contrary, are ready to explain our every step until we're blue in the face.
I watched a two-year-old girl play on the balcony while her mother kept up a non-stop monologue: “Emmy, don't get too close to the edge! You can fall and hit hard! It will be terrible! When you get this close to the edge, I get nervous. you make mom get nervous! I will have to go to a psychotherapist soon. I don't want anything bad to happen to you!"
Too much information. The child is only two years old! It is enough for mom to confine herself to a short one: “Honey, you can’t go there!”. And that's it! Talk to your child briefly and kindly. Feed him small pieces of information that he can easily digest. If a parent talks too much, the child may stop listening to his words - or, even worse, absorb parental fears and complexes for life.
We must unlearn to talk to children about all our own fears and worries. To do this, you need to consciously cleanse your speech from such rubbish. Before you speak, take a deep breath and take a few moments to reflect. Throw out from the prepared speech that the child should not hear. In this case, the less said, the better.
Too wide selection
Another problem, much like talking too much, is the problem of giving children too much choice. It also upsets the balance and can be overwhelming for the child.
I was very surprised when I once witnessed how a mother consulted with her five-year-old daughter about her future career: “Do you think mom should go to a new job, to a bank, or stay at her old job?”
Attention: it is dangerous for the child's psyche! The baby's brain is not yet ready to make such serious decisions! The frontal lobes of the brain responsible for critical thinking in children are still at a very early stage of development and will finish forming at the age of well over 20. So your young offspring, from the point of view of neurology, is not yet ready to make decisions for you. At that time, the girl, looking at her mother, gave out: “What?!”. Well, well said.
Children can be given the right to make decisions - but in accordance with age. "Would you like chicken or pasta?" - a normal choice for a five-year-old girl. But forcing her to weigh the pros and cons of working in a bank is absurd.
Too equal
By trying to become a friend to your child, you are playing with him on an equal footing. The problem is that there is no equality between you and cannot be. Building friendships with children, we again violate the structure of power in the family. If you are a friend and not a parent, then your child is an orphan.
As a psychotherapist, I often meet with patients who dreamed that their parents would finally take up their duties. So, the mother of Jill, one of my patients, all the time tried to become a board for her daughter. She treated her company to alcoholic drinks when they were still minors, turned on her daughter's favorite music at full volume in the car and dressed in the latest youth fashion.
When Jill, then 25, invited her mother for a joint psychotherapy session, she was shocked.
“Jill, you are my best friend,” her mother began. “You have always been her, even when you were a baby. I don't understand what's wrong?"
Jill looked at her mother, and tears welled up in her eyes.
“Mom, you tried your best to be my girlfriend,” she replied. “But I have many friends, and my mother has only one. I don't want you to be my girlfriend - I want you to be my mother!"
One wonderful father learned firsthand how setting boundaries helps build a sense of security in a child. His son's mother died when he was an infant. Jay did not know the happiness of unconditional motherly love. Because of this, his father suffered greatly - and as a result spoiled his son. He never punished the boy for bad behavior. At the age of 10, Jay made a huge scandal in the store. He wanted to buy a film that distributors didn't recommend for children under 13 and that his father considered unsuitable for his son's age. Jay rolled a real one, falling to the floor and kicking his legs.
Who is hitting whom
In modern family practice, I am most amazed and horrified by the fact that children beat their parents! Alas, such monstrous and categorically unacceptable behavior is by no means uncommon today.
Of course, when previous generations of parents considered it normal to raise a hand against a child, it was no less terrible. By such a bad example, parents teach the child that it is possible to solve problems with the help of violence.
Let's think about what message you are conveying in this way: “My child is behaving badly. I'll beat him up properly - and let him know that if he is upset about something, he only needs to go and beat someone!
Yes, you will be able to achieve immediate obedience here and now, but in the long run you are likely to create many problems. Studies show that children who have been subjected to physical punishment are more likely to be unable to obey the requirements of discipline, more likely to show physical aggression, become victims of various kinds of addictions and experience mental problems more often.
“I was flogged - and nothing, I grew up as a normal person!” - this excuse is very common, but that does not make it any less vile. Memories of physical punishment experienced in childhood are still painful for many adults. And the fact that parents have spanked their children for centuries does not make spanking the right or even acceptable method.
However, it is no less disgusting when today, with the hierarchy of power turned inside out, children raise their hands against their parents.
Today, fathers and mothers send this message to their children: “You are upset - well, come here and give me a good slap in the face!”. You, albeit unintentionally, teach him to raise his hand to those close to him - to do what, as already mentioned, should never be done.
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Discussion
A very hot topic these days. It turns out that we can study the information and try to implement it step by step. It is difficult, but gradually I think it is possible. Especially now this topic is being raised on a family resource on the Internet, so read and follow. All patience and love and a link to an article of a similar nature [link-1]
Children should not beat obedient!
Good article, I subscribe to every word! But as a mother in practice, I can say that following this course is oh, how difficult it is !!! But if you try, a lot turns out, in my opinion, a lot of systematic work is needed to establish clear boundaries in behavior and colossal work to maintain these rules in any situation! As for physical punishments, sometimes I don’t restrain myself, I can flog and scold my son well, but the effectiveness is zero, but crying in a dream - right away! I try to look for alternative approaches, I understand myself and the situation, and I come to the conclusion that any extreme conflict situation, when the parent loses his temper, arises from the internal problems of the parent - at the moment he is irritated, tired, nervous about something, and he has no time and he does not want to delve into the situation of disobedience, he has no time to regulate it in another way, and patience bursts ... When you calmly assess the situation from the outside, then there are many ways to constructively avoid an explosion from both sides! Therefore, it remains for us to think about what we are doing, and how it affects our children, and try to restrain our negative manifestations!
Physical punishment, on top of everything else, is also a useless exercise. I understood this a long time ago. She slapped the pope several times, like my mother did me in childhood, the child was only upset, and then continued to do what he got for. And allowing a child to beat himself is completely stupid, why?
Carried away for the future. Later we will test the theory in practice)
Comment on the article "An obedient child: why not with us? 5 mistakes of modern parents"
conscious behaviour. I have a super obedient child .. but two years ago she did not perceive any instructions at all. Mostly I have very obedient children. Especially on people. But, I ask little, I shout, I try to understand the children themselves.
Discussion
Mine is listening. But she is very motherly, my word is very authoritative for her. This was not the case with my son.
Oh, Len, I was going to start a similar topic for a long time. I have a job in a month and a half. I still can hardly imagine how I will have time to collect everyone in the morning. And the main problem is in the daughter! She is distracted, does not want to do what they ask, you need to ask 10 times. Now it’s not so important - we leave the house at 8.30. But from April, you will need to leave the house at 7.45 ....
So I went to read the topic. So far I have not found an approach that would work for us. For a short time, it worked to give her independence and instead of reminding her of what else was left to do (for example, brush her teeth, make the bed, get dressed, etc.) to ask her what else she had to do.
02/15/2017 11:50:57 AM, From yukgirlDiscussion of adoption issues, forms of placing children in families, raising foster children, interaction with guardianship, teaching foster parents at school. As if the obedient are not successful, and success is a necessary continuation of disobedience.
Discussion
How so, Zveta? I looked you are a teacher, a child psychologist !!!????
It's me who should come to you and ask for advice on what to do with my naughty boy! I had the same thing, a guy 9 years old, also sewed in the same place + girl 6 = 2 hurricanes. But they obey (mostly) because they know if someone will be deprived of many of the joys of life. BUT! you have to be consistent: if you said “you won’t go for a walk until you clean it up,” then that’s how it should be ... but you already have a neglected case, of course you should have brought it up earlier, I can imagine how angry he will be if you start right now. But it's better now, and then it will be even worse. BUT, of course, you need a combination of positive reinforcements for good behavior with the deprivation of the usual "good things" for bad. Plus, of course, programming for "goodness" like: I know you are a very good kind boy, I love you ... but you will have to cancel cartoons for today (for example) See also my answer on the topic "How to behave with a daughter" By the way, such children even they begin to feel better when they know the limits and eventually stop testing our patience and switch to constructive communication with parents, because they begin to understand that this is much more interesting and beneficial to them.
The child does not obey at home. Child-parent relationships. A child from 3 to 7. Education, nutrition, daily routine, attending kindergarten and relationships with But in the garden, she is a sociable, kind, obedient child! I'm incredibly tired of the eternal war.
I also have a child of 3.5 years old, screaming, naughty, there is something that soft chewing kotigorically refuses to do everything for evil. I say I explain. And in many scandalous families, children still remain calm - obedient. What does it depend on?
Discussion
The child of the changer will quickly fall into tantrums if you do not give in
25.01.2019 10:11:17, VictoriaI also have a child of 3.5 years old, screaming, being naughty, there is something that is soft to chew, kotigorically refuses to do everything for evil
I speak and explain. To no avail, this crisis will end when I end up in a psychiatric hospital
Section: - gatherings (irascible child). Too quick-tempered....nervous... I'm talking about the eldest son. He is very quick-tempered (all in his father, first husband). How to teach him to restrain emotions (and should they be restrained at all?) A very impressionable, hyperactive child ...
Discussion
This is our case.
My dad's story about his dad (my grandfather). His dad is about 50 years old, for various reasons he did not work at that time, he had three children, only his mother worked, naturally, there was no money for pickles. Everyone is served porridge. He: “Ah! Again porridge! - and a plate on the floor. In general, from grandfather to my son, everyone is choleric.
Immediately about medicine. I am very grateful to my mother for not dragging me to neurologists and throwing out sedatives, a bunch of which were prescribed immediately, in a year or a year and a half. When I had a concussion already at the institute and my blood pressure began to jump, neuropathologists, with minimal complaints, prescribed sedatives in “tons”, I immediately note that all this is useless: either it tends to sleep, or does not affect, but does not change the character. With my son, I didn’t go to the doctors of this profile at all, except for a medical record and in the style of “everything can’t get better with us.”
What to do? First of all, do not bring the child to a detailed reaction, turn off the action earlier. If with children, pick up from such a company and walk separately. In general, calm, non-aggressive movements calm, adrenaline needs to be burned by physical work. From a calm state, kindly explain what should NEVER be done (fight, offend others), analyze what happened, speak as it should. Until the age of 13, I played with my son role-playing games based on a fairy tale country, inserting our real situations into them with humor. Never insist on the crest of excitement on educational: “Make peace. Sorry. Share your toys. Praise more. Do not say that "Masha, Petya and Vova are good, not like you." Learn not to use offensive words (fool, stupid, get out, etc.), but instead pick up something more politically correct (you're wrong, I think differently, we'll talk later, it's time for me to leave) or leave without explanation to calm down. My son did not go to kindergarten, so much was easier: when the literary Russian language is at home, the child's vocabulary is different than in the kindergarten. Explain to your son that they goad those who get excited. If he does not give out a violent external reaction “half a turn”, then they will stop “turning on” him. When it doesn’t work out, it’s better to come to the rescue before you break into a scream, take a break. Distract ("let's go have some tea", "here's a tangerine, eat it, and then we'll continue", "let's see what grandma is doing there"). Learn actions that are difficult for the child separately so that it does not cause such tension “in public”. Something not to notice. He threw: "Never again and for nothing!". Sometimes it's wise not to argue or object. Just switch to something nice. And then start as if from scratch, as if you did not notice this throwing. But not in the form of "do it yourself", but from some other end and together. It is difficult, on the one hand, not to "get it" at the moment of the explosion, on the other hand, to show the inevitability of the necessary. I wrote sticks and letters with my son for more than six months. Just through everything: “I don’t want to! I won't! It still doesn't come out." He had hypertonicity of the hands. I learned to relax my hands. They wrote little by little, in turn, “talked their teeth”, gave out awards in the form of raisins in chocolate, counting the written sticks or letters together and evaluating the merits of each (here the question was sorted out pedagogically similar encouragement or not, but the son learned to write and this is the main thing). After writing, they played together.
With grandmother - a special song. My mother also loved to tell me the sins of her son, and I tried to listen without him and nod, yes, of course, it would be better in a different way, but not to disassemble or reprimand the child.
With age, a person learns to restrain himself, relieve tension in reasonable directions (sports, hobbies, solitude or a wide company). In general, as the doctor said: "Be patient, mom, take me swimming, ...".
As for the move.
1. Behave calmly, as smart people told me, “bring yourself into a calm state,” because children feel the mother’s state.
2. Say that in a new place there will be an opportunity to start everything “from scratch”, to start a “new life”, in which he will not be considered a “psycho”. That he will make new friends, and with old ones he will be able to talk on the phone and occasionally meet. It is desirable that the child does not worry, but rejoices at the move.
3. To the questions: "... how can I make friends, ..." - answer in detail, without haste and irritation, as many times as the question is asked, the child needs to understand the stereotype of behavior in a new company in a conversation with you. Lose new acquaintances. Your son has come to meet you. you to him. Bear, bunny, you and your son are in the same company. He is for himself, you are for everyone, it is desirable that the child has fun. First, the Bear and the Bunny act out a scene based on the real behavior of their son. Then you and the bunny are the same, but instead of the real behavior of the child, you show the right one. Then something similar, but already a son with someone, where he must give out the correct behavior. If it’s difficult for you, you can connect a psychologist here (do you want to talk to a person who will teach you how to get acquainted and make friends?).
4. In a new place, help your son get to know the children. For example, go out with him into the yard and further according to circumstances. For example, take out some common toy (ball, badminton), meet your parents on the playground, offer to celebrate your housewarming. You can call to visit or organize a game with refreshments right in the yard, while the weather is good, for example, offer to come to some hour with clean hands, eat a melon or fruit together and play something interesting (the role of an entertainer is yours). or invite someone you know). Here in our yard there were dads who started ball games in a circle or football - a very good option and everyone was happy.
5. See which of the children "in contact" with his son suits him as friends according to the stereotype of behavior and height-age. It is desirable that this be a pair of leader-follower, approximately similar forces (when pushing, neither should fly off with the risk of injury), and that the companion does not react violently to the son's actions. Try to go out for a walk at the same time, meet your parents, talk about a joint “outing” to a museum, zoo or just to the nearest park, invite you to your house, ... (or one thing, depending on the circumstances).
6. There are usually several yards in the district, if necessary, you can go around different ones.
7. At the peak of excitement from a new place, walk more with your son so that he is physically tired (or let him swim, ride a bike). Physical fatigue works better than valerian.
8. If possible, "throw off" the younger grandmother (or other relatives) and personally devote weeks 2 to your son in a new place, maybe. vacation at your own expense.
Yesterday everything was different. Dad took him to the group and left quietly. After 2.5 hours, they called us and said: run, pick it up - crying. Papa is a dunce, it would not be clear to say that he is leaving. The child ran to the group to play and did not even realize that he was left alone, and then got scared. In the evening -hysteria, at night too. Everything is clear - a natural reaction to stress. He flatly refused to go into the garden. I decided not to drive it on Thursday and Friday, but try again on Monday.
Everyone goes through this, but what is the right thing to do - take breaks or is it better to walk every day?
I will not give advice. in our group, those children who behaved inappropriately last year behave the same way this year. and one is generally 4 years old, and he will not be transferred from the nursery for bad behavior. Although it seems to me that rather than leaving his kids to offend, it would be better to send him to the elders on the contrary. maybe they would have broken into him, he would have understood what was happening.
That is, my obedient child is obedient in my opinion. And this is just the start of the controversy. Then the distance of understanding begins to grow with more Therefore, it is strange to read "I want an obedient child". Since option 3: either everything naturally happens in the family and the question is such in general ...
Discussion
I don’t know what “normal obedience” is, I don’t know what it should be, and I even suspect that there can be no norms here.
I expect from my child ... right now I'll figure out how to call it - "conscious obedience" or something. Those. fulfill those requests of mine that she considers reasonable. I am not a robot to issue ONLY adequate requests, although I try to do it. I, too, am in different moods and varying degrees of fatigue - I can ask for something that is actually my whim at the moment. I do not consider the child obligated to fulfill my whims ... And I really want her to learn to distinguish such requests from true ones, to make a decision whether to fulfill them or not, and learn to refuse to fulfill requests - not a simple "no", of course, but with an explanation of the reason .
While, it seems, we manage to maintain this style, Sanka allows us to do this.
Well, in addition to requests, there are, of course, demands.
In my understanding, all punishment (quantity and methods) comes down to the question of educating the will of the child. What do you want to achieve - to break his will, so that he completely obeys your will, correct his will, or subordinate yourself and the world around to the will of the child? I believe that by breaking the will of the child, I will bring him a lot of harm, as well as encouraging complete self-will. So the question for me is how to teach a child to “read the situation” - when “his will”, when “his will”, but you need to take into account the interests of others (roll down the hill in turn, or warn that he will arrive late), when he must make a joint decision (with friends, with parents), and when to do what others want (mother, teacher, then boss). At the age of one and a half, I’m just trying to convey to him that in his free life there are things that are impossible (punishment will follow), there are things that upset a mother or child in the sandbox and it’s better not to do that, and there is still the opportunity to ask for someone else’s toy, for example, and if allowed, then “no” is replaced by “you can”. So we live for now.
I understand punishment as negative consequences - they can be physical, psychological and emotional. But it is important to understand not only how we see it - mom slapped, mom was offended, mom screamed, but also what exactly is the negative consequence for the child - physical pain, fear - mom does not love / quit, fear and stress .. You can point your finger at make the socket hurt for 5-10 seconds, or you can “take away” your love .... you need to think about the methods of punishment no less than about what to punish and what not.
I threw this Dobson down the garbage chute. True, the book had a different title. But with a man who considers the best virtue of his child to be unquestioningly put to bed every minute (and if later, the unfortunate man himself brings a belt for his spanking) and the ability to sit out an hour in a sermon without a single movement natural for a child, I have nothing in common and cannot be Maybe. Moral freak, one word.
An obedient child is boring, not interesting. And it’s not a fact that the “furuncle” won’t break through and then it won’t win back on the ancestors for Actually, yes! too much...
Obedience is traditionally given great importance in education. One of the most common complaints of parents: "The child does not obey me." And parents of obedient children almost never turn to specialists. But they also have cause for concern.
Unquestioning compliance with all the instructions of adults is not at all the norm (as much as parents would like). Absolute obedience can be a sign of serious problems in parenting and leads to negative consequences in the future.
Lack of initiative
An overly obedient child gets used to being led. With age, this translates into an inability to be a leader or - even worse - a complete lack of initiative. The model of behavior, when adults decide everything for the child, is quickly fixed, and in the future it will be difficult for your child to make independent decisions.
What to do. Leave your child free to choose. Let him decide some questions himself: what he will eat, what he wants to play, what to watch or read. Support the baby's suggestions, let him feel that the initiative is not punishable.
Exposure to other people's influence
At about three years old, a period begins in a child's life when he realizes his desires and learns to defend them. During this period, the baby is ready to answer all proposals with the word “no”. And if this “no” meets a tough and uncompromising rebuff, then in the future it will be difficult for the child to defend his independence not only from his parents, but also from any environment.
Too obedient children find it difficult to say "no", they are not able to insist on their own.
What to do. Be sensitive to the desires of the little person, encourage their manifestations. Be respectful of your child's choice. Allow a little naughty, of course, within the framework of safe behavior. Not every “no” needs to be met with hostility.
Low self-esteem
Submission is very often combined with low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence. The child may believe that he is "bad", and try to earn the love of his parents by exemplary behavior.
What to do. If parental love depends on the behavior of the child, this is an extremely abnormal situation and a huge mistake in education. Here you will not get by with simple advice, it is better to contact a specialist.
Soreness
Too obedient children are prone to various chronic and infectious diseases. The absence of external manifestations of discontent does not mean that the child does not experience negative emotions. The need to “keep everything in oneself” harms even an adult, to say nothing of the child’s developing organism.
What to do. Allow the child to show discontent: he does not have to be delighted with all your instructions (instructions). Also, do sports. The benefits of physical activity are obvious, regular sports have a positive effect on the emotional and volitional sphere of children. Naturally, without fanaticism.
Hyper compensation
It is not uncommon for children who are deprived of independence and the right to choose, growing up, trying to compensate for the limitations of their freedom. Exemplary boys and girls "get out of hand" and turn into "difficult teenagers." The risk is increased by the inability of such children to resist bad influences.
What to do. The child should have a "space of freedom" - those areas where he makes his own decisions. And with age, this space should gradually expand.
It is not normal for a child to meekly obey the will of an adult against his own desires. Obedience is not the goal of education, but only a means. The goal is a happy and healthy child (in the future - an adult). Independence, the ability to insist on one's own, faith in one's own strength - all this is impossible without a bit of protest, without conflicts, without denial. That is, without disobedience.