Talking with children can be. Lesson I. Unconditional acceptance. Love, care and indifference

Simple Rules for Maintaining Great Relationships with Children

Gippenreiter's book is based on the ideas of Thomas Gordon in his books Parent Activity Training (1970) and Teacher Activity Training (1975). The book is supplemented with ideas and practical applications developed by other authors in foreign and domestic psychology (among domestic scientists - primarily L.S. Vygotsky, A.N. Leontiev, P.Ya. Galperin).

Psychologists have discovered a very important pattern: most of those parents who seek psychological help for difficult children themselves suffered from conflicts with their own parents in childhood.

The experts came to the conclusion that the style of parental interaction is involuntarily "recorded" (imprinted) in the child's psyche. This happens very early, even in preschool age, and, as a rule, unconsciously.

As an adult, a person reproduces it as natural: most parents raise their children the way they themselves were raised in childhood.

“Nobody bothered with me, and nothing, he grew up,” says dad, not noticing that he grew up just a person who does not consider it necessary and does not know how to deal with his son, to establish warm friendly relations with him.

Another part of the parents is more or less aware of what exactly the right upbringing is, but in practice they experience difficulties. It happens that theoretical knowledge harms parents: they find out that they are doing “everything is wrong”, they try to behave in a new way, quickly “break down”, lose confidence in their abilities, blame and stigmatize themselves, or even pour out irritation on children .

From all that has been said, it should be concluded that parents should not only be educated, but also teach how to communicate properly with children.

Lesson I. Unconditional Acceptance

Unconditionally accept a child- means to love him not because he is handsome, smart, capable, excellent student, etc., but just like that, just because he is!

Parents say: "If you are good, then I will love you." Or: “Don't expect good things from me until you stop...(being lazy, fighting, being rude), you start...(study well, help around the house)”.

In these phrases, they directly inform the child that he is accepted conditionally, that he is loved or will be loved, "only if...".

The reason for the evaluative attitude towards children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational means. Praise the child - and he will be strengthened in good, punish - and evil will recede. But there is a pattern: The more a child is scolded, the worse he becomes.

If, despite the pranks, you love children, they will grow up and give up bad habits and actions. They will always respect themselves, they will have a sense of inner peace and balance. This will allow them to control their behavior and reduce anxiety.

Otherwise (if you love children only when they are obedient, please you), children will not feel sincere love, they will become insecure, this will lower their self-esteem, lead to inferiority, may prevent them from developing for the better, children will think that they it is useless to try to please adults.

Psychologists have proven that the need for love, for belonging, that is, the need for another one of the fundamental human needs. Her satisfaction is a necessary condition for the normal development of the child. This need is satisfied when you tell the child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is just good. Such messages are contained in friendly glances, affectionate touches, direct words.

Rejoice in your child. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you are meeting your best friend. How do you show that you are happy with him, that he is dear and close to you?

Now it will be easier for you to actually do it, before any other words and questions: your own child comes home from school and you show that you are glad to see him. It's good if everyone can continue this meeting like this for a few more minutes.

Hug your child at least 4 times a day(morning greetings and goodnight kisses do not count). 4 hugs is absolutely necessary for everyone just to survive, and for good health you need at least 8 hugs a day! Not only for a child, but also for an adult.

Sweet words . It is necessary to inform the child: “It’s good that you were born with us”, “I’m glad to see you”, “I like you”, “I love it when you are at home”, “I feel good when we are together ...”.

We do not always follow our appeals to children: “not like that”, “bad”, “everyone gets bored”, “a real punishment”, “I'm better off without you”. Children literally understand us! They are sincere in their feelings, and give absolute sincerity to any phrase spoken by an adult.

Children experience resentment, loneliness, and sometimes despair. It seems to them that their parents are not “friends” with them, they never say “humanly”, “poking”, “yelling”, they use only imperative verbs: “do it!”, “Take it away!”, “Bring it!”, “ wash!" The more often the parents get annoyed with the child, scold him, criticize him, the faster he comes to the generalization: "They don't like me."

The arguments of parents: “I care about you” or “For your own good” children do not hear. More precisely, they can hear the words, but not their meaning. They have their own, emotional, accounting.

Tone is more important than words, and if it is sharp, angry or just strict, then the conclusion is always unambiguous: "They don't like me, they don't accept me." Sometimes this is made out for the child not so much in words, but in a feeling of being bad, “not like that”, unhappy.

See how you manage to accept your child: during the day, count how many times you addressed the child with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative calls is equal to or outweighs the number of positive ones, then not everything is going well with your communication.

Let's try to understand what reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting a child.

Attitude for education

“How am I going to hug him if he hasn’t learned his lessons yet? First discipline, and then good relations. Otherwise, I'll ruin it."

Mom from "pedagogical considerations" takes the path of criticism, falls into a vicious circle of discontent, conflicts. Where is the mistake? Mistake at the very beginning: discipline is not before, but after the establishment of good relations, and only on the basis of them.

The child was born unplanned

Parents wanted to live in “their pleasure”, so they don’t really need it.

They dreamed of a boy, but a girl was born.

The child is responsible for the broken marital relationship

For example, the son looks like his father, gestures, facial expressions cause deaf hostility in Maieri.

Enhanced parenting spirit

An attempt to compensate for one's life failures, unfulfilled dreams or desires, to prove to the spouse one's necessity, indispensability, "the weight of the burden" that one has to bear.

Lesson II. Help parents child. Carefully!

The child is unable to cope on his own

What to do in those cases when a child does “NOT”, does not obey, annoys or does something “wrong”, badly, with mistakes. You want to intervene, teach, show.

In general, different children react differently to parental “it’s not necessary, but like this”: some get sad and lost, others are offended, others rebel: “If it’s bad, I won’t do it at all!”. As if the reactions are different, but they all show that children do not like such treatment.

Why? Many things seem easy to us. But when we show and impose this “simplicity” on a child who is really having a hard time, then we are acting unfairly. The child has the right to take offense at us!

How to correctly point out mistakes in order to teach?

Knowledge of errors is useful and often necessary, but they must be pointed out with extreme caution. First, don't notice every mistake; secondly, it is better to discuss the mistake later, in a calm atmosphere, and not at the moment when the child is passionate about the matter; Finally, remarks should always be made against the backdrop of general approval.

The child is more tolerant of his mistakes than adults. He's happy with what he's doing. As parents, we want to achieve better results as soon as possible. And it often turns out quite the opposite.

Rule 1. Do not interfere in the business that the child is busy with if he does not ask for help. With your non-intervention, you will inform him: “You are all right! Of course you can do it."

List of independent affairs

Make a list of tasks for the child, which in principle he can handle on his own, although not always perfectly.

Entrust the child with a few tasks and try not to interfere in their implementation. Encourage your child's efforts, despite their results.

Discuss the child's mistakes: remember 2-3 mistakes, especially annoying ones. Take the time and the right tone to talk about them.

Four Results of Learning

1. The knowledge that he will acquire or the skill that he will master.
2. Training of the general ability to learn, that is, to teach oneself (less obvious result).
3. Emotional trace from the lesson: satisfaction or disappointment, confidence or lack of self-confidence.
4. A trace on your relationship with him if you took part in the classes. Here the result can also be either positive (they were satisfied with each other), or negative (the treasury of mutual dissatisfaction was replenished).

Remember, parents are in danger of focusing only on the first result (learned? learned?). In no case do not forget about the other three. They are much more important.

Do not criticize or correct the child. And if you also show a sincere interest in his case, you will feel how mutual respect and acceptance of each other, which are so necessary for both you and him, will increase.

Lesson III Do zone together

When a child needs help

If the child comes across a serious difficulty that he cannot cope with on his own, then the position of non-intervention is not good, it can only bring harm.

Rule 2. If it is difficult for a child and he is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him. At the same time: 1. Take upon yourself only what he cannot do himself, leave the rest to him to do. 2. As the child masters new actions, gradually transfer them to him.

Rules 1 and 2 do not contradict each other, but simply refer to different situations. In situations where Rule 1 applies, the child does not ask for help and even protests when it is given. Rule 2 is used if the child either directly asks for help, or complains that he “does not succeed”, “does not work out”, that he “does not know how”, or even leaves the work he has begun after the first failures. Any of these manifestations is a signal that he help is needed.

Let's go together: it's very good to start with these words. These magic words will open the door to the world of new skills, knowledge, hobbies for the child.

Child's zone of proximal development

This rule is based on the psychological law discovered by L.S. Vygotsky "zone of proximal development of the child". At every age, for every child, there is a limited range of things that he can handle on his own. Outside this circle are things that are accessible to him only with the participation of an adult, or inaccessible at all.

Children are usually active and they are constantly striving to take over what you are doing. Tomorrow the child will do for himself what he did with his mother today. The zone of affairs together is the golden reserve of the child, his potential for the future.

The desire of the child to conquer all new "territories" of affairs is very important, and it should be protected like the apple of an eye. Be sure to celebrate the first, even small independent successes of the child, congratulate him (and at the same time yourself!).

As the child masters new actions, gradually betray them to him.

How to protect the natural activity of the child? How not to score, not to drown it out?

It turns out that parents face a double danger:

Danger 1. too soon to shift your part to the child;

Danger 2. too long and persistent participation of the parent.

Lesson IV. Lesson four. "And if he doesn't want to?"

About the difficulties and conflicts of interaction and how to avoid them

A typical problem: the child has completely mastered many obligatory tasks, but he does not do all this.

Reasons for "disobedience":

1. You may not have gone all the way with him yet. After all, it seems to you that it is easy for him alone to put all the toys in their places. Probably, if he asks "let's go together", then this is not in vain: perhaps he it's still hard to organize yourself.

2. Maybe he just wants you. participation, moral support.

3. The root of negative persistence and failure lies in negative experiences. This may be a child's problem, but more often it occurs between you and the child, in your relationship with him.

“I would have washed the dishes for a long time, but then my parents would think that they defeated me.”

How to correct the situation with disobedience?

Friendly, warm tone. This is the main condition for success, and if your participation does not help, if the child refuses your help, stop and listen how you communicate with him.

Communication on an equal footing. Together means equal. You should not take a position over the child; children are very sensitive to it, and all the living forces of their souls rise up against it. Then they resist the "necessary", disagree with the "obvious", dispute the "indisputable".

Method L.S. Vygodsky to save the child and himself from the "guidelines" is confirmed by scientific and practical research.

External means of the organization. A child learns to organize himself and his affairs more easily and quickly if he is helped at a certain stage by some external means: reminder pictures, a to-do list, notes, diagrams or written instructions.

Such means are no longer the words of an adult, they are their replacement. The child can use them on his own, and then he is halfway to coping with the case himself.

Come up with some external means that could replace your participation in this or that child's business. It can be an alarm clock, a rule or an agreement, a table, a list of morning tasks or necessary clothes in pictures, a special board on which each family member (mum, dad and two schoolchildren) can pin any of their messages (reminders, and requests, just short information, dissatisfaction with someone or something, gratitude for something).

Overprotective parents: they want more for their children than the children themselves. It happens that a parent is ready to teach or help as much as he wants and follows his tone - he doesn’t get angry, doesn’t order, doesn’t criticize, but things don’t go. Parents want something, so to speak, instead of a child. It’s hard to want when both dad and mom immediately “run ahead” of any of your desires!

The combination of too much educational activity of parents and infantilism, i.e. immaturity, children - typically and naturally. Why?

The personality and abilities of the child develop only in the activities that he engages in of his own free will and with interest.

“You can drag a horse into the water, but you can’t make it drink,” says the wise proverb. The more persistent the parent is, the more unloved even the most interesting, useful and necessary school subject will turn out to be.

For love or money? Faced with a child's unwillingness to do anything that is supposed to be done for him - to study, to read, to help around the house - some parents take the path of "bribery". They agree to "pay" the child (with money, things, pleasures) if he does what they want him to do.

This path is very dangerous, not to mention the fact that it is not very effective. Usually the case ends with the child's claims growing - he begins to demand more and more - and the promised changes in his behavior do not occur.

Why? To understand the reason, we need to get acquainted with a very subtle psychological mechanism, which has only recently become the subject of special research by psychologists. In one experiment, a group of students were paid to play a puzzle game they were passionate about. Soon the students of this group began to play noticeably less frequently than those of their comrades who received no pay.

The mechanism that is here, as well as in many similar cases (everyday examples and scientific studies) is the following: a person successfully and enthusiastically engages in what he chooses himself, by inner impulse. If he knows that he will receive payment or reward for this, then his enthusiasm decreases, and all activity changes character: now he is busy not with “personal creativity”, but with “making money”.

How to avoid situations and conflicts of coercion?

Compulsory conflicts arise when a child does not do what is “needed” and this spoils the mood for both. How to get things done?

First of all, you should take a closer look at what your child is most interested in. Some classes will seem empty, even harmful. However, remember: for him, they are important and interesting, and they should be treated with respect. Even better, if you can take part in these activities, share his passion.

It’s good if your child tells you what exactly in these matters is interesting and important for him, and you can look at them through his eyes, as if from the inside of his life, avoiding advice and assessments. It is very good if you can take part in these activities of the child, share with him from the hobby. Children in such cases are very grateful to their parents.

There will be another result of such participation: on the wave of your child’s interest, you can begin to pass on to him what you consider useful: additional knowledge, and life experience, and your own view of things, and even interest in reading.

Many activities that parents or teachers offer to children, and even with demands and reproaches: they do not survive. At the same time they are good "take root" in already existing hobbies.

Rule 3. Gradually, but steadily, relieve yourself of care and responsibility for the personal affairs of your child and transfer them to him.

Transferring responsibility for your deeds, deeds, and then the future life is the greatest care that you can show towards them. This concern is wise. It makes the child stronger and more self-confident, and your relationship more calm and joyful.

Take a sheet of paper, divide it vertically in half “Self” “Together”. List all cases together by agreement. See what can be moved from the “Together” column to “Self”. Remember, each such room is an important step towards growing up a child.

The process of transferring responsibility to the child of his case is very difficult. It has to start with little things. But even about these little things, parents are very worried, because they have to risk the temporary well-being of their child.

Rule 4. If it is not life or health threatening, allow your child to face the unpleasant negative consequences of his actions (or inaction). Only then will he become conscious.

We have to consciously allow children to make mistakes so that they learn to be independent.

It is not always necessary to help the child with deeds: sometimes you can just sit next to him and listen. Even silence can help.

“And if, despite all my suffering, nothing works out: he (she) doesn’t want anything, doesn’t do anything, fights with us, and we can’t stand it either?”- Be patient and keep following the rules! The result will be, do not lose hope.

Lesson V. Active listening

When a child is upset, offended, failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he was treated rudely, unfairly, when he is very tired, practical actions - to show, teach, direct - you will not help him.

If a child has an emotional problem, he should be actively listened to. Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while designating, calling “by name” his feeling or experience.

You can not leave the child alone with his experiences. After all, with their advice and critical remarks, parents, as it were, inform the child that his experience is not important, it is not taken into account.

You need to let him know that you know about his experience (state), “hear him”. Answers according to the method of active listening show that the parent understood the internal situation of the child, is ready to hear more about it, to accept it.

Such a literal sympathy of the parent makes a very special impression on the child. Parents who have demanded to "voice" the child's feelings talk about unexpected, miraculous results.

Conversation rules based on active listening.

1. If you want to listen to a child, be sure to turn to face him.

2. It is important that his and yours eyes were at the same level.

Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals about how ready you are to listen and hear him.

3. If you are talking to an upset or distressed child, don't ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers sound in affirmative form.

Son (with a gloomy look): I will no longer hang out with Petya!
Parent: You were very offended by him.

This phrase is good. She shows that the parent has tuned in to the “emotional wave” of the son, that he hears and accepts his grief. "And what happened?" or “Are you offended by him?” - phrases designed as a question and do not reflect sympathy.

4. Very important in conversation "keep pause". It is best to remain silent after each remark.

This time belongs to the child; do not fill it with your thoughts and comments. The pause helps the child sort out his experience and feel more fully that you are near. It’s good to keep quiet even after the child’s answer - maybe he will add something. If the child's eyes do not look at you, but to the side or into the distance, then continue to be silent, very important and necessary inner work is going on in him.

5. If the child has provided enough information, it is sometimes helpful repeat what, as you understand, happened to the child, and then designate - call “by name” his feeling or experience in an affirmative form.

Sometimes parents have a fear that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as a mockery. This can be avoided by using other words with the same meaning.

SON (with a gloomy look): I will no longer hang out with Petya!
FATHER: You don't want to be friends with him anymore. (Repetition of what was heard).
SON: Yes, I do not want ...
FATHER (after a pause): You were offended by him ... (Designation of feelings).

Of course, it may happen that in the answer you did not quite accurately guess the event that happened or the feeling of the child. Do not be embarrassed, in the next phrase he will correct you. Be attentive to his amendment and show that you accepted it.

Possible feelings: you were upset and you were offended, you were hurt and you were angry, you were embarrassed and annoyed, you were frightened.

The results of the conversation according to the method of active listening

Active listening conversation is very unfamiliar to our culture and not easy to conduct. However, this method will quickly win you over when you see the results it produces:

1. The negative experience of the child disappears or weakens. A remarkable pattern: shared joy is doubled, shared grief is halved.

2. The child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk more and more about himself. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows suddenly unwinds. How often do we leave children alone with the burden of experiences, at a time when a few minutes of listening would calm the child.

3. The child himself is moving forward in solving his problem. Positive results can be detected already in the course of a conversation with active listening to the child. Gradually, parents begin to detect changes of a more general nature.

Children transform: Parents report it as a miracle that the children themselves quickly begin to actively listen to them.

Parents change: parents notice something new in themselves; become more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, easier to accept his "negative" feelings. Parents begin to find more patience in themselves, less annoyance, it is better to see how and why the child feels bad. Many parents report that active listening helped them connect with their children for the first time.

Is it necessary, when listening to a child, to respond with detailed phrases? Not at all necessary. Sometimes children talk about everything that happened without closing their mouths. Then all the child needs is your presence and attention. Psychologists have called this method "passive listening"- passive, of course, only outwardly. Short phrases and words, interjections, just mimic signs are used here, saying that you are listening and responding to children's feelings: “Yes, yes ...”, “Aha!”, “Really?”, “Tell me more ...”, “ Interesting”, “You said so!”, “That's it ...”, “So what?”, “Wonderful!”, “Well, wow! ..”, etc. Short words are also appropriate when talking about negative experiences.

And how to listen to the child, if there is no time? How to interrupt it? If there is no time, it is better not to start. You need to have some time to spare. From the started and interrupted attempts to listen to the child, he can only get disappointment. Worst of all, if a well-begun conversation is abruptly cut off by a parent. If such cases are repeated, the child may only grow distrust of the father, and he will begin to evaluate attempts at active listening as a way to gain confidence in him, in order to hit him harder later. Such mistakes are especially dangerous if you still have not had good contact with the child, and you are only taking the first steps.

Parents often misunderstand that active listening is a way to get what you want from a child (for example, make them do their homework). Not at all, active listening is the way to establish better contact with the child, a way to show that you unconditionally accept him with all his failures, troubles, experiences. If the child suspects that you are counting on some new way to influence him "in your favor", then the resistance to your attempts will only increase.

Lesson VI. 12 against one

Obstacles to your child's active listening

Psychologists have identified types of traditional parental utterances (automatic responses) that are real hindrances to a child's active listening.

1. Orders, commands:“Now stop it!”, “Put it away!”, “Take out the bucket!”, “Quickly to bed!”, “So that I don’t hear it again!”, “Shut up!”.
In these categorical phrases, the child hears the unwillingness of the parents to delve into his problem, feels disrespect for his independence. Such words evoke a feeling of powerlessness, and even abandonment "in trouble."

In response, children usually resist, "mumble", take offense, and become stubborn.

2. Warnings, warnings, threats:“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave”, “Look how it doesn’t get worse”, “It will happen again, and I’ll take the belt!”, “If you don’t come on time, blame yourself.”

Threats are pointless if the child is currently having an unpleasant experience. They will only drive him into a greater dead end.

With frequent repetition of threats, children get used to them, stop responding to them. Then the parents move from words to deeds, from weak punishments to stronger, sometimes cruel (belt).

3. Moral, moralizing, sermons:“You must behave properly”, “Every person must work”, “You must respect adults”.

Endless repetition for the “hundred and first time” of tired phrases usually does not change anything. Children feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom, and most often all together.

The fact is that children are brought up not so much by words as by the atmosphere in the house. If everyone in the family works, refrains from rude words, does not lie, divides homework, be sure that the child knows how to behave correctly.

If a child violates the “norm of behavior”, then it is worth seeing if someone in the family behaves the same way. If this reason disappears, then most likely your child "goes beyond" because of his internal disorder, emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teaching is the most unfortunate way to help the cause.

Does this mean that it is not necessary to talk with children about moral norms and rules of behavior? Not at all. However, this should not be done only in their calm moments, and not in a tense situation. Otherwise, our words only add fuel to the fire.

4. Tips, turnkey solutions:“And you take it and say ...”, “Why don’t you try ...”, “In my opinion, you need to go and apologize”, “I would give change if I were you.”

As a rule, we do not skimp on such advice. Moreover, we consider it our duty to give them to our children. Often as an example of yourself: “When I was your age ...”

However, children are not inclined to listen to our advice. And sometimes they openly rebel: “You do this and I do it differently”, “It’s easy for you to say that!” "," Without you I know!

What is behind the child's negative reactions? The desire to be independent, to make decisions yourself. After all, we, adults, are not always pleased with other people's advice. And children are much more sensitive than us. Every time we advise a child, we kind of inform him that he is still small, inexperienced, and we are smarter than him, we know everything in advance.

The position of parents “from above” irritates children, and most importantly, does not leave them with a desire to tell more about their problem.

Often the children themselves come to the same thing that we tried to advise them before! But they need to make their own decision - this is their way to independence. It is very important to give children this opportunity, although it is, of course, more difficult than giving advice.

5. Proof, logical arguments, notations, “lectures”:“It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You are distracted endlessly, so you make mistakes”, “How many times I told you! If you don't listen, blame yourself."

And here the children answer: “Leave me alone”, “Enough”, “As much as possible”, “Enough! I'm sick of!".

At best, they stop hearing us, a “semantic barrier” or “psychological deafness” arises.

6. Criticism, reprimands, accusations:“What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”, “All because of you!”, “In vain I relied on you”, “Forever you! ..”.

Such phrases cannot play any educational role. They cause in children either active defense: attack, denial, anger; or despondency, depression, self-disappointment, and low self-esteem creates new problems.

Comments and commands become the main form of communication with the child.

Negative baggage of a child

Let's see how many commands and comments the child hears during the day. Multiply these statements by the number of days, weeks, years during which the child hears everything. You will get a huge baggage of negative impressions about yourself, and even from the closest people. In order to somehow balance this burden, he has to prove to himself and his parents that he is worth something. The very first and easiest way (it is suggested by the parental style) is to criticize the requirements of the parents themselves. What can save the day?

1. Try to pay attention not only to the negative, but also to the positive aspects of your child's behavior.

2. Do not be afraid that the words of approval in his address will spoil him.

3. Sometimes parents think that the child already knows that he is loved, so it is not necessary for him to express positive feelings. It's not like that at all.

4. Does it occur to us that children so literally interpret our behavior, words, facial expressions? Do we always take into account that children perceive the world in black and white: either definitely yes or definitely no?

5. Would you yourself survive well in a constant bombardment of criticism from the closest person? Wouldn't you expect kind words, wouldn't you yearn for them?

7. Praise: “Well done, well, you’re just a genius!”, “You are the most beautiful (capable, smart) with us!”, “You are so brave, you don’t care about anything.”

After all that has been said, the recommendation not to praise the child will sound strange. However, it is necessary to distinguish between praise and encouragement (approval): there is an element of evaluation in praise.

What's wrong with praise?

1. When a parent often praises, the child soon begins to understand: where there is praise, there is also a reprimand. Praise in one, he will be condemned in another.

2. The child may become addicted to praise: wait, seek it. (“Why didn’t you praise me today?”)

3. Finally, he may suspect that you are insincere, i.e. praise for your own reasons. (That's not true, you say that on purpose so that I don't get upset!)

OK

When responding to success, it is best to express your feelings by using the pronouns “I” or “me” instead of “you”. (I'm very happy! I liked this and that.)

8. Name calling, ridicule:“Crybaby wax”, “Don’t be a noodle”, “Well, just a club!”, “Lazy!”

All this is the best way to push the child away and “help” him to lose confidence in himself. In such cases, children are offended and defend themselves: “And what is it like?”, “Well, I will be like that.”

9. Guesses, “interpretations”:“I suppose he got into a fight again”, “I still see that you are cheating again”, “I see right through you and even two meters below you!”

None of the guys (and adults) likes to be "calculated"? This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to get away from contact.

10. Questioning, investigation:“No, you still say”, “What happened anyway? I still find out”, “Why did you get a deuce again?”, “Well, why are you silent?”

This type of error is close to conjectures, “interpretations”.

It's hard to stop asking questions. And yet it is better to try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones. The question sounds like cold curiosity, and the affirmative phrase sounds like understanding and participation.

11. Sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation.

Of course, the child needs sympathy, but not formal. In the phrases “Calm down”, “Don’t worry”, “Pay no attention”, “I understand you”, “I sympathize with you”, “It will grind, there will be flour”, the child can hear neglect of his worries, denial or understatement of his experience.

Instead of a phrase, it is better to hug the child to yourself.

12. Joking, avoiding conversation

Son: “You know, dad, I can’t stand this chemistry and I don’t understand anything about it.”
Dad: “How much we have in common!”

Dad shows a sense of humor, but the problem remains. And what can we say about such words as “Leave me alone”, “Not up to you”, “You are always with your complaints”.

Habitual appeals or active listening of the child?

Habitual appeals with advice, reproaches, these are also not “natural”, but learned phrases by experience.

Active listening is based on the principles of respect for the personality of the child, recognition of his rights to his own desires, feelings and mistakes, attention to his concerns, rejection of the parental position “from above”.

All the types of responses we have analyzed should not be used instead of active listening, that is, when the child has an emotional problem. If he is calm or if you feel that you already have emotional contact, then you can talk more freely: ask questions, give advice, and so on.

But what if the child persistently demands the impossible, and at the same time cries or is very upset? Still, try to actively listen to him. Your first phrases in which he hears participation can somewhat soften the situation. Following this, try to dream with him about the impossible.

Lesson VII Feelings of parents. How to take off be?

We, parents, are also worried and angry, tired and offended. It is also difficult for us with children, sometimes even painfully ...

First, let's clarify what situations we are talking about. Most likely those where the parent is most concerned. In other words, these situations are the opposite of those we have dealt with so far when discussing the child's emotional problems.

Depicting the emotions of a parent and a child in the form of two "glasses", we get two situations. When a child experiences more, his “glass” is full; the parent is relatively calm, the level in his “glass” is low. And another situation: the parent is filled with emotions, the child is not particularly worried.

Rule 5. If your child's behavior causes you negative feelings, let him know about it.

“If I accept a child, does that mean I should never be angry with him?” No, it doesn't. In no case should you hide and even more accumulate your negative feelings. They must be expressed, but expressed in a special way.

In no case should you keep negative feelings in yourself: you should not silently endure resentment, suppress anger, maintain a calm look when you are very excited.

You will not be able to deceive anyone with such efforts: neither yourself nor your child, because more than 90% of information about our internal state is transmitted through non-verbal signals. And it is very difficult to control them, it “breaks through” and results in harsh words or actions.

How to tell a child about your feelings so that it is not destructive for him or for you?

Rule 6. When you talk about your feelings to a child, speak in the first person: talk about yourself and your experience, not about him and his behavior.

I-messages

Offers must contain personal pronouns: me, me, me.

"Well, what a look you have!" vs. "I don't like it when children walk around disheveled, and I'm ashamed of the looks of my neighbors."

"Stop crawling around here, you're in the way." vs. "It's hard for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I stumble all the time."

"Could you please be quieter." vs. "Loud music makes me very tired."

The difference between "I" and "you" messages is small. However, in response to the “you-message”, the child is offended, defended, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them. After all, each “you-message”, in fact, contains an attack, accusation or criticism.

“I-message” has a number of advantages:

It allows you to express negative feelings in a harmless form for the child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger in order to avoid conflicts. However, this does not lead to the desired result. You can’t completely suppress your emotions, children are subtle and observant “psychologists”: the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdraw or go into an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace - war.

2. “I-message” gives children the opportunity to get to know us parents better. Often we protect ourselves from children with the armor of “authority”, which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the mask of the “educator” and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel something! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more humane.

3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere, begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can also be trusted.

4. By expressing our feelings without an order or reprimand, we leave the children the opportunity to make their own decisions. And then they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

Mistakes to be avoided:

1. Starting with an “I-message”, parents end the phrase with a “You-message”: I don’t like that you are such a slob or “Your whimpering annoys me!”

Mistakes can be avoided by using impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns generalizing words: "It annoys me when children whimper." or "I don't like it when people sit down at the table with dirty hands."

2. The following mistake is caused by the fear of expressing feeling of true strength. For example, if you are horrified at the sight of a son who hits his younger brother on the head with a cube, then your exclamation should express the strength of this feeling. The phrase “I don’t like it when boys do this” doesn’t fit here, the child will feel false.

Rule 7. Do not demand from the child the impossible or difficult to do. Instead, look at what you can change about the environment.

Change the conditions and the problems will disappear: some parents put up temporary barriers on windows, remove everything that breaks higher, take expensive furniture out of the room so that the child can move freely, paste cheap wallpaper in his room with the back side so that he can draw on them.

Rule 8. To avoid unnecessary problems or conflicts, measure your own expectations with the capabilities of the child.

It is useless to demand from a child the impossible or very difficult, for which he is not yet ready. It is better to change something outside of it, in this case, your expectations.

For example, it is impossible for a five-year-old boy to stand in line for a long time in one place.

All parents have expectations about what their child can or should already do and what they should not do. If expectations are too high, the result is a negative experience for the parents.

This does not mean that we should not “raise the bar” for the child, i.e. cultivate in him a practical mind, responsibility, obedience. This must be done at any age. But don't set the bar too high. And most importantly - follow your reaction. Knowing that a child is learning new heights and misfires are inevitable can greatly add to your tolerance and allow you to take his failures more calmly.

Rule 9. Do not try to appropriate the child's emotional problems.

It is about the experiences of the child and about our excessive unrest about the children.

Have you ever heard from children: ““ Stop crying (nervous, panicking), you're only bothering me!"?

Behind this is the need for children to separate emotionally from their parents: to learn to be independent in the face of tense and even dangerous situations. Of course, at the same time, they may need our participation, but participation is delicate, unobtrusive.

What to do with your own experiences? Sooner or later, you have to take risks: for the first time, let your son go alone across the street, allow your growing daughter to celebrate the New Year in the company of peers. Our concern is justified, and we must, of course, take all precautions in our power. But how do you talk to a child?

When a child faces a real test, it is easier for him to make a choice if he knows about our love, about our anxiety. The “I-message” will not give him a reason to do “out of spite”, in his own way, to commit a hasty, thoughtless act.

What if the "I-message" doesn't work? Is the child not listening? Don't think that the "I-message" and the other techniques we're learning are new ways to get to the bottom line quickly. For example, force a child to learn their lessons, wear a scarf, or refuse to go to the movies. Their purpose is completely different: to establish contact with the child, improve mutual understanding with him, help him gain independence and responsibility. As you can see, the goals are more distant and much more general.

How do I send an "I-message" if I am very angry or angry with a child? Psychologists believe that anger is most often a secondary feeling. It arises on the basis of some other, primary experience. Therefore, if you feel like throwing an angry phrase at your child, wait and try to be aware of the original feeling.

For example, a child is very rude to you. Your first reaction may be resentment, pain. You heard a lot of unflattering words about him at the parent meeting and experienced bitterness, disappointment, chagrin, shame. The child returns three hours late, making you terribly worried. The first feeling is joy and relief! It is best to express precisely these first feelings: God bless! You are whole! I worried so much!»

Lesson VIII How to resolve conflicts

How and why do conflicts arise between parents and children? Obviously, the matter is in the clash of interests of the parent and the child. Satisfying the desire of one side means infringing on the interests of the other and causes strong negative experiences: irritation, resentment, anger.

For example: Suddenly it turns out that there is no bread in the house. Mom asks her daughter to go to the store. But that one will soon start the sports section, and she does not want to be late. Mom asks to "enter her position", the daughter does the same.

In the event of a clash of interests, a problem arises for both the child and the parent at once. Both glasses are filled to the brim.

It is impossible not to lead to conflicts at all: no one is immune from the fact that our and our child's desires will one day disperse.

Unconstructive ways to resolve conflicts

When contradictions begin, some parents see no other way out than to insist on their own, while others believe that it is better to give in, keeping the peace.

So there are two non-constructive ways of resolving conflicts, which are collectively known as "Only one wins."

Parent Wins

Parents who are inclined to use this method believe that it is necessary to defeat the child, to break his resistance. Give him freedom, so he "sits on his neck", "will do what he wants."

Without noticing it themselves, they show children a dubious example of behavior: “always achieve your own, regardless of the desires of another.” And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents and imitate them from early childhood. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. They, as it were, return the lesson taught to adults, and then “the scythe finds a stone.”

There is another version of this method: gently, but not insistently, demand that the child fulfill his desire. Often this is accompanied by explanations with which the child eventually agrees. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they achieve their goal, the child learns another rule: “My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, you still have to do what the parents want or demand.” In some families, children are defeated for years. They grow either aggressive or passive. But in both cases, they accumulate anger, resentment, relationships cannot be called close and trusting.

Only child wins

Along this path, parents who are either afraid of conflict, or ready to constantly sacrifice themselves “for the good of the child,” or both.

In these cases, children grow up as selfish, not accustomed to order, not able to organize themselves. All this may not be so noticeable within the family "general compliance", but as soon as they go out the door of the house and join in some common business, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them. With their excessive demands on others and the inability to meet others halfway, they remain alone, often met with ridicule and even rejection.

In such a family, parents accumulate dull dissatisfaction with their own child and their fate. In old age, “eternally compliant” adults often find themselves alone and abandoned.

Conclusion: incorrectly resolved family conflicts, large and small, inevitably give an “accumulation effect”. And under its influence, character traits are formed, which then turn into the fate of children and parents. Therefore, it is very important to be attentive to every clash of interests between you and your child.

Constructive way of resolving conflicts: Both sides win: both parent and child

This way of getting out of their conflict safely relies on two communication skills: active listening and “I-message”.

Step 1. Clarification of the conflict situation

First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult, etc.

He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the desire, need or difficulty of the child. After that, he talks about his desire or problem, using the "I-message" form.

You have to start by listening to your child. Once your child is convinced that you are listening to their problem, they will be much more willing to hear yours and participate in finding a joint solution.

As soon as an adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides. What at first seems like “simple stubbornness” begins to be perceived by the parent as a problem that deserves attention. Then there is a willingness to meet the child halfway.

After listening to the child, you need to tell him about your desire or problem. This is a very important moment. It is just as important for a child to know more and more accurately about your experience than it is for you to know about his. Make sure that your statement is in the form of an "I-message" and not a "You-message."

For example: It’s hard and insulting for me to manage the household alone (instead of: “You all put one on me”), It’s hard for me to go so fast (instead of: “You completely drove me”), - You know, I was really looking forward to this program (instead of: “Don’t you know that I watch it every day?!”).

Sending an accurate “I-message” in a conflict situation is also important for another reason: an adult has to think about what kind of his need is infringed by the actions or desires of the child. For example: the son decided to spend the accumulated money on chewing gum and stamps. However, his parents wanted him to buy a game instead of chewing gum. What personal need of the parents would be violated if the boy bought gum? Yes, none! So, there were simply no grounds for conflict.

It is forbidden. Unfortunately, quite often parents resort to prohibitions without thinking. “It is impossible and everything!”. And if the child asks why it’s impossible, then they add: We don’t have to report to you.”

Often, behind this “no” is nothing more than asserting your power or maintaining your parental authority. If you try to account at least to yourself, it may turn out that there is nothing more behind this “no” than a desire to assert your power or maintain your parental authority.

What if the child is in danger, and he insists on his own? If the life of a child depends on the urgency of your actions, then, of course, you need to act energetically, without allowing objections. However, the order and prohibition as the main methods of preventing any danger that the child is not fully aware of are not suitable. A dispute often flares up around this question: is it necessary to let the baby touch a burning candle if he does not listen to the word “no” and continues to reach for the fire? And the older the children, the more expensive the price of acquiring their own experience can become.

There is, of course, no universal answer here. But it is worth remembering that by systematically protecting children from danger, we may be exposing them to even more danger, because we deprive them of responsibility for their actions. At the same time, the successful practice of joint conflict resolution can serve as a good school for educating a child to be vigilant and diligent.

Step 2. Gathering proposals

This stage begins with the question: “What should we do?”, “What can we think of?”, or: “What should we do?”.

After that, you must definitely wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to offer a solution (or solutions), and only then offer their options. At the same time, not a single, even the most inappropriate, from your point of view, proposal is rejected from the spot. At first, the proposals are simply typed “into the basket”. If there are many proposals, they can be written down on a piece of paper.

Step 3. Evaluation of proposals and selection of the most acceptable

At this stage, joint discussion of proposals takes place. The "parties" by this time already know each other's interests, and the previous steps help to create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

First, each participant is listened to. Secondly, each delves into the position of the other. Thirdly, between the “sides” there is no irritation or resentment. Fourthly, there is an opportunity to realize your true desires. The guys get a great lesson on how to solve “difficult” issues together. The practice of parents shows that when such situations are repeated, the peaceful resolution of disputes becomes a common thing for children.

What if Can't find a solution that suits everyone? The fear of not finding a solution acceptable to all, as a rule, is not confirmed. The method assumes the interest of both parties in a joint decision. In this case, ingenuity and readiness to go towards each other awaken.

Step 4. Detailing the decision made

Suppose the family decided that the son is already big, and it is time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast and go to school. This will free mom from early troubles and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep.

However, one solution is not enough. It is necessary to teach the child to use the alarm clock, show where what food is, how to warm up breakfast, etc.

Step 5. Implementation of the solution, verification

Let's take this example: the family decided to unload mom, to share household chores more evenly. After going through all the stages, we came to a definite decision. It would be nice to write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall.

Suppose the eldest son had such duties: take out the garbage, wash the dishes in the evenings, buy bread and take the younger brother to the garden. If earlier the boy did not do all this regularly, then at first, breakdowns are possible.

Do not blame him for every failure. Better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time and no one is annoyed, you can ask: “Well, how are you doing? Does it work?"

It is better; if the child himself speaks of failures. Perhaps there will be too many of them. Then it is worth clarifying what, in his opinion, the reason.

Maybe something was not taken into account, or some help is needed; or he would prefer another, "more responsible" assignment.

In conclusion, I note that this method does not leave anyone with a sense of loss. On the contrary, he invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

And how to behave if the conflict flared up between children? Worst of all, if the parent adds his raised voice to the raised cry: “Now stop it!”, “Here I am now both of you ...” Perhaps even worse if he takes the side of one of the children; as a rule, it turns out to be the youngest. This can lead to spoiled younger and persistent resentment and jealousy of the older.

In most cases, it's a good idea to leave the kids to figure it out. You can send an “I-message” something like this: “I don’t like it when such a shout rises in the house,” “I like it when children deal with their own affairs.”

But there are times when a parent is involved in resolving a child's conflict as an intermediary. Then the constructive way is very useful.

You need to start, of course, by listening to each side. It is very important to observe the following principle: if you are currently listening to one child, and he begins to feel that you are delving into his problem, let the other one know in some way that he will be listened to just as carefully. Be sure that the other child is very jealous of the tone of your conversation, and the lack of reprimand, peace-loving notes in your voice may lead him to conclude that your sympathies are on the side of the “opponent”. Therefore, when trying to listen to the experiences of one, it’s good to send signals to the other with a look, touch, nod of the head: “Yes, I remember about you too, and soon I will be ready to listen to you carefully.”

Authority and authoritarianism

An authoritarian is a person who strives for power and, using force, seeks submission from others. The authoritative is the one whose influence on the actions of others is based on the recognition and respect of his opinion, his personal qualities: competence, justice, etc.

For a small child, parents are creatures whom he reveres and adores. In the eyes of the baby - dad - the strongest, smartest, fairest; mother is the most beautiful, kind, wonderful.

Parents have this authority simply because they are adults, and the child is still small, inept, weak. He unconsciously "absorbs" from his parents all manners of behavior, tastes, attitudes, values, moral norms.

But over time, the balance of power changes. There is an inevitable equalization of opportunities for children and parents. There comes a critical moment when the authority of parents ceases to rest on the advantages of adulthood.

What happens then? Parents are faced with a dramatic choice between well-deserved authority and authoritarianism.

The path of authoritarianism is absolutely a dead end. Power, calculated on unquestioning obedience or fear of punishment, ceases to operate. The child sooner or later enters into the struggle for independence. Things sometimes come to an open war. And the most dangerous thing is the feeling of impossibility to turn back.

There is only one choice: to understand that the path of child abuse is hopeless and sooner or later will lead to a break in relations. An adult loses authority if he begins to rely on prohibitions, pressure and orders. He retains authority if he remains a model of strength and experience.

Lesson IX What about discipline?

Children not only need order and rules of behavior, they want and expect them. This creates a sense of security, and makes life understandable.

Children are sometimes more ready to maintain order than adults. The reason for this is the desire for the familiar, for daily rituals.

Children intuitively feel that care for them is hidden behind the parental “no”.

Children do not rebel against the rules themselves, but against the way they are “implemented”. How to find ways to conflict-free discipline of the child? This is the most difficult task of upbringing, it depends on it whether the child will grow up as an internally collected and responsible person or not.

Rules for Maintaining Conflict-Free Discipline

1. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be in the life of every child.

This is especially useful to remember for those parents who seek to upset their children as little as possible and avoid conflicts with them. As a result, they begin to follow the lead of their own child. This is a permissive parenting style.

2. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) should not be too many and they should be flexible.

This rule warns against the other extreme - education in the spirit of "tightening the screws", i.e. authoritarian communication style.

Both rules taken together imply a special sense of proportion, a special wisdom of the parent in deciding questions about “can”, “should” and “should not”.

4 color zones of child behavior

Finding a middle ground between conniving and authoritarian styles will help the image of 4 color zones of a child's behavior: green, yellow, orange and red.

Green Zone

In green we put everything that the child is allowed at his own discretion or desire. For example, what toys to play, when to sit down for lessons, what circle to enroll in, who to be friends with ...

yellow zone

Relative freedom is in the yellow zone. He is allowed to act of his own choice, but within certain limits. but subject to certain rules. For example, you can sit down for lessons whenever you want, but finish work by 8 pm. You can walk in your yard, but do not go further.

This zone is important because this is where the child learns to internal discipline mechanism from outside to inside. At first, the parent helps the child to restrain immediate impulses, to be prudent and learn to control himself just with the help of the norms and rules that are established in the family. Gradually, getting used to these rules, the child follows them without much effort. However, this only happens if there were no constant conflicts around the rules.

Therefore, the child's non-conflict acceptance of requirements and restrictions should be the subject of your special concern. Try in each case to calmly (but briefly!) Explain what caused your request. At the same time, be sure to emphasize what exactly remains for the child for his free choice. When children feel respect for their sense of freedom and self-reliance, they are more likely to accept parental restrictions.

orange zone

In the orange zone there are such actions of the child that adults do not welcome, but due to special circumstances are now allowed.

We know that exceptions only confirm the rules; do not be afraid of such exceptions, if they are really rare and justified. But children are very grateful to their parents for their willingness to meet their special request. Then they are even more willing to abide by the rules in normal situations.

red zone

In the red zone are the actions of the child, unacceptable under any circumstances. These are our categorical “no” from which we do not make exceptions.

You can’t beat, pinch or bite your mother, play with fire, break things, offend little ones ... This list “grows up” with the child and leads him to serious moral standards and social prohibitions.
So, all the zones taken together tell us that the rule is different, and that it is quite possible to find a "golden mean" between the willingness to understand - and be firm, between flexibility - and inflexibility in the process of discipline.

3. Parental requirements should not come into direct conflict with the most important needs of the child.

Excessive activity of children. For example, parents are often annoyed by the “excessive” activity of children: why do they have to run so much, jump, play noisily, climb trees, throw stones, draw on anything, grab everything, open it, take it apart ..?

The answer is simple: all this and much more is a manifestation of the natural and very important needs for the development of children in movement, knowledge, and exercise. They need to move, explore, try much more than adults. Prohibiting such actions is like trying to block a full-flowing river. It is better to take care to direct its course in a convenient direction.

You can explore puddles, but only in high boots; you can also disassemble the watch, but only if it is old and has not been running for a long time; you can play ball, but not indoors and away from windows; even throwing stones at a target is possible, if care is taken that no one is hurt in the process.

School age. Starting from the age of ten or eleven, it becomes especially important for children to communicate with their peers. They gather in groups, large or small, spend more time outside the home, take into account the opinion of children more than adults.

Children often stop listening to their parents, and the consequences of this can be dangerous. To avoid complications, parents should be especially careful about the prohibitions “not to be friends”, “not to go”, “not to wear”, “not to participate…”

You need to be sure that the child does not perceive them as a threat to his status in the group of children. The worst thing for him is to become a “black sheep” or an object of ridicule, to be rejected or rejected by the guys. And if his position among his peers is on one side of the scale, and his parental “no” is on the other, then most likely he will outweigh the first.

Patience and tolerance, and even a philosophical attitude will help to understand teenage fashion, words, expressions, music, hairstyles. Teenage fashion is like chickenpox - the guys pick it up and carry it in a more or less serious form, and after 2 years they themselves smile, looking back.

Life values. What is left for parents besides patience? A lot, and most importantly - to remain conductors of more common, not passing values: respect for the personality of another, nobility, honesty.

Many values ​​can be discussed with a child and implemented in a relationship with him. The child hopes so.

4. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be agreed upon by adults among themselves.

It is impossible for a child to learn the rules, get used to discipline, when mom says one thing, dad says another, and grandmother says a third. He gets used to achieve his "split" the ranks of adults. Relations between adult family members do not get better from this.

If one parent does not agree, it is better to remain silent, and then discuss it without the child and come to a common opinion.

Equally important is the consistency in following the rules. If your child went to bed at 10 pm instead of 9 for two days in a row, then on the third day it will be difficult for you to put him to bed on time, he will reasonably object that yesterday and the day before yesterday you “allowed” him.

It is worth remembering that children constantly test our demands “for strength” and, as a rule, accept only that which cannot be loosened. Otherwise, they learn to insist, whine, extort.

5. The tone in which the demand or prohibition is communicated should be friendly and explanatory rather than imperative.

Any prohibition is difficult for a child, and if it is pronounced in an angry or authoritative tone, it becomes doubly difficult.

Explanation of the reason. We have already said that the question "Why not?" you should not answer: “Because I said so”, “I command it so”, “It is impossible, and that’s all!”. It is necessary to briefly explain: “It’s already late”, “It’s dangerous”, “It can break ...”

The explanation should be short and repeated once. If the child asks again, then this is not because he did not understand you, but it is difficult for him to overcome his desire. What you have already been through will help here: for example, active listening. Orders and "You-messages" aggravate the resistance of the child.

It is better to build sentences in an impersonal form"Don't play with matches" instead of "Don't you dare play with matches!"; “Candy is eaten after dinner” instead of: “Now put the candy back!”; “A cat’s tail is not to be pulled,” instead of: “Stop torturing the cat!”.

Discussion of possible difficulties. It can be very useful, anticipating the difficulty of the child in fulfilling the requirements, to discuss it in advance. You can offer a choice of other options. The child will gain a little more experience of conflict-free discipline.

Punishments. What to do if the child does not obey?

If all 5 rules are followed, the number of disobediences your child will reduce many times over, if not disappear altogether.

Nevertheless, no one is immune from misunderstandings, and there will come a time when you need to respond to clearly bad behavior.

physical punishment

Physical punishment offends, embitters, intimidates and humiliates children. They have more negative results than positive ones.

The Natural Consequence of Disobedience

The natural consequence of disobedience is one of the types of punishment that comes from life itself, and is all the more valuable, because. In such cases, there is no one to blame but yourself.

A kid scratched by a cat, or a schoolboy who received a deuce for an unlearned lesson, may for the first time feel the meaning and vital necessity of a parental demand.

We still will never be able to “lay straws” wherever our child can “fall”. But then, when he fails, you can help him a lot. Active listening is indispensable here: it helps the child draw an independent conclusion from what happened.

You should not tell the child: “If you didn’t listen, blame yourself.” Firstly, the child perfectly remembers your warning, and secondly, he is now upset and deaf to comments; thirdly, it is hard for him to admit his mistake, and he is ready to challenge your rightness.

Conditional Consequences of Disobedience

This type of punishment is more familiar and comes from the parent. It all starts with a warning: "if you don't...then...".

Such punishments are called conditional consequences of disobedience, because they follow naturally from the actions of the child, and are appointed by the parents at their discretion.

Such punishments still cannot be avoided, but when applying them it is good to adhere to one very important rule.

6. It is better to punish a child by depriving him of good things than by doing him bad things.

Children have a good sense of justice: it is fair when a parent does not give them his time because he is upset or angry.

For example, children really appreciate such family traditions. When a parent pays special attention to them, and it is interesting with him, this is a real holiday for the child. However, if disobedience or misconduct occurs, then the "holiday" on that day or that week is cancelled.

And if the parent always has “no time”, all education is limited to demands, comments and “minus” punishments? In such cases, it is much more difficult to achieve discipline. But the main thing is the danger of losing contact with the child: after all, mutual discontent, which is inevitable here, will accumulate and separate.

Joy Zone

You need to have a stock of big and small holidays. Come up with a few activities with your child or a few family activities, traditions that will create a zone of joy. Make some of these activities or activities regular so that the child looks forward to them and knows that they will definitely come if he does not do something very bad. Cancel them only if there has been an offense, really tangible, and you are really upset. However, do not threaten to cancel them over trifles.

The zone of joy is the "golden fund" of your life with a child. It is both a zone of proximal development, and the basis of your friendly communication with him, and a reserve of conflict-free discipline.

Naughty children.

If communication with a child brings you more worries and sorrows than joys or, or has reached a dead end, do not despair!

Naughty children are blamed. They are looking for malicious intent, strong genes, etc. In fact, the number of “difficult” usually includes not the “worst”, but especially sensitive and easily vulnerable. They "go off the rails" under the stresses and pressures of life, reacting more strongly than more resilient children.

Hence the conclusion: a "difficult" child needs only help - and in no case in criticism or punishment.

The reasons for persistent disobedience of the child should be sought in the depths of his psyche. It seems on the surface that he “simply does not obey”, “simply does not want to understand”, but in fact the reason is different. And, as a rule, it is emotional, not rational. Moreover, it is not realized by either the adult or the child himself. Hence the conclusion: such reasons need to be known.

Psychologists have identified 4 main causes of serious violations of the behavior of children

1. Fight for attention. If the child does not receive the right amount of attention, which is necessary for normal emotional well-being, then he finds his own way to get it - disobedience.

A strong childish nature knows how to demand what is left unfinished, although most often in a sharp, annoying form.

Parents now and then break away from their affairs, pour in remarks ... It cannot be said that this is very pleasant, but attention is still received. It's better than none.

2. The struggle for self-assertion against excessive parental authority and guardianship. The famous demand “I myself” of a 2-year-old baby persists throughout childhood, especially aggravated in adolescents. Children are very sensitive to the infringement of this desire.

But it is especially difficult when parents communicate with them in the form of instructions, comments and concerns. Parents believe that this is how they instill in their children the right habits, accustom them to order, prevent mistakes, and generally educate them.

This is necessary, but the question is how to do it. If remarks and advice are too frequent, orders and criticism are too harsh, and fears are too exaggerated, then the child begins to rebel. The teacher is faced with stubbornness, self-will, actions in defiance. The meaning of such behavior is to defend the right to show that he is a person.

3. Desire for revenge. Children are offended by their parents. The reasons can be very different: parents are more attentive to the younger; the mother separated from the father, and the stepfather appeared in the house; the child was separated from the family (put in the hospital, sent to the grandmother); parents fight all the time...

There are many and isolated reasons for resentment: a sharp remark, an unfulfilled promise, an unfair punishment ...

And again, in the depths of his soul, the child worries and suffers, but on the surface - all the same protests, disobedience, poor progress at school.

The meaning of “bad” behavior in this case can be expressed as follows: “You did me badly - let it be bad for you too! ..”

4. Loss of faith in your own success. The child experiences his troubles in one area of ​​life, and failures occur in a completely different area.

For example: the child did not have a relationship in the classroom, and the result will be neglected studies; in another case, failure at school may lead to defiant behavior at home.

This "displacement of ill-being" is due to the child's low self-esteem. Having accumulated experience of failures and criticism in his address, he generally loses self-confidence. He comes to the conclusion: "There is nothing to try, it will not work out anyway."

This is in the soul, and by external behavior he shows: “I don’t care”, “Let him be bad”, “And I will be bad!”.

The aspirations of difficult children are quite positive and natural, and express the need for the warmth and attention of parents, for recognition of the individual, a sense of justice, and a desire for success.

The trouble with “difficult” children is that, firstly, they suffer acutely from the non-fulfillment of these needs and, secondly, from attempts to make up for this lack in ways that do not make up for anything.

They do not know how to do it otherwise, and therefore any serious violation of the behavior of a teenager is a signal for help. By his behavior, he tells us: “I feel bad! Help me!"

The experiences of parents are a mirror of the hidden emotional problem of the child

A parent can help a child, but first you need to understand the root cause of disobedience.

Parents need to pay attention to their own feelings. What kind of emotional reaction do you have when you repeatedly disobey. An amazing fact - the experiences of parents are a mirror of the hidden emotional problem of the child.

If the child fights for attention, then the parent becomes irritated.
If opposition to the will of the parents, then the latter has anger.
If the hidden reason is revenge, then the parent's reciprocal feeling is resentment.
When a child deeply experiences his troubles, the parent finds himself in the grip of a sense of hopelessness, and sometimes even despair.

Feelings are different and you can understand which one suits your case.

It turns out a vicious circle. The more the adult is dissatisfied, the more the child is convinced that his efforts have reached the goal, and he resumes them with new energy.

The task of the parent is to try not react in the usual way, that is, as the child expects from you and thereby break the vicious circle.
Emotions turn on almost automatically, especially in conflicts “with experience”. And yet you can change the nature of communication! You can stop if not an emotion, then a remark and punishing actions.

If it goes fight for attention, you need to find a way to show your child your positive attention to him: come up with some joint activities, games or walks.

As for habitual disobediences, it is better to leave them unattended. After a while, the child will find that they do not work, and the need for them, thanks to your positive attention, will disappear.

If the source of the conflict is struggle for self-assertion, then you should change your control over the affairs of the child: it is important for them to accumulate experience of their own decisions and even failures.

During the transition period of your relationship, refrain from making demands that, in your experience, he is unlikely to fulfill. On the contrary, what can be called the "tuning method" helps a lot: you do not dispute the decision he came to, but agree with him on the details and conditions for its implementation.

Understanding that the stubbornness and self-will of a child is just a form of prayer that irritates you will help you get rid of excessive pressure and dictatorship: “Let me finally live with my own mind.”

If you feel resentment, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child hurt you? What is his own pain? How did you offend or constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, it is necessary, of course, to try to eliminate it.

The most difficult situation is for a desperate parent and distrustful of one's own abilities teenager.

Smart parent behavior in this case - stop demanding "relying" behavior. It is worth "resetting to zero" your expectations and claims. Surely your child can do something and is even very capable of something. But for now, you have it the way it is. Find the level of tasks available to him. This is your starting point from which you can start moving forward. Organize joint activities with him, he cannot get out of the impasse on his own.
At the same time, no criticism should be allowed against him.

Look for a way to encourage him, even the smallest success. It is worth trying to make teachers your allies. You will see: the very first successes will inspire your child.

It is useless to expect that your efforts to establish peace and discipline in the family will lead to success on the first day. The main efforts should be directed to switching your negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) to constructive actions.

In a sense, you will have to change yourself. But this is the only way to raise your "difficult" child.

One final important thing to know is that the first time you try to improve the relationship, your child may reinforce their bad behavior! He will not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will check them.

Lesson X The Jug of Our Emotions

Destructive feelings of the first layer.

Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions - anger, anger, aggression. These feelings are destructive because violate both the person himself (his psyche, health), and his relationships with other people and are the cause of conflicts.

These emotions are manifested in the external behavior of a person. This is so, unfortunately, familiar to all name-calling and insults, quarrels and fights, punishments, actions “out of spite”, etc.

Psychologists believe that: anger is a secondary feeling. We can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, frustration under the feelings of anger and aggression as the causes of these destructive emotions (layer II of the “jug”).

Passionate feelings of the second layer.

All feelings of the second layer are suffering, they contain suffering. They are not easy to express, they are usually hushed up, hidden. Why? For fear of humiliation, to appear weak. Sometimes a person himself is not aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”)

To hide feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood: “Don’t cry, better learn to fight back!”

The cause of "passive" feelings is the dissatisfaction of needs.

Third layer: needs

Every person needs food, sleep, warmth - these are the so-called organic needs.

Needs that are associated with communication, and in a broad sense - with the life of a person among people: a person needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected, so that he is needed and close to someone, so that he has success in business, study , at work, so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself.

These needs are always at risk! Any need can be unsatisfied, and this leads to suffering, and possibly to "destructive" emotions.

Happiness depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which a person grows, lives, and works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And the climate and baggage depend on the style of communication, and above all - the parents with the child.

Layer Four: Self-Esteem

Attitude towards oneself lies below the layer of needs

Psychologists have devoted much research to such experiences of self. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-assessment, self-esteem, a sense of self-worth.

Self-esteem greatly affects the life and even the fate of a person. So, children with low self-esteem, but quite capable, study worse, get along poorly with peers and teachers, and are less successful later in adulthood.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child's life, and depends on how parents treat him. If they understand and accept him, tolerate his "shortcomings" and mistakes, he grows up with a positive attitude towards himself. If the child is constantly “educated”, criticized and drilled, his self-esteem turns out to be low, flawed.

In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitudes of those close to us. A small child has no inner sight. His image of himself is built from the outside; he begins to see himself as others see him.

However, in this process the child does not remain passive. There is another law of all living things at work here: to actively pursue that on which survival depends. A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child constantly seeks and even fights for it.

He expects confirmation from us that he is good, they love him, he can cope with feasible tasks. Whatever the child does, he needs our recognition of his success.

It is enough to see how he meets a new day: with a smile or crying, this is a feeling of inner well-being or trouble that the child is experiencing.

With each appeal to the child - by word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowning eyebrows and even silence, we tell him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often - mainly about him.

From the repeated signs of greeting, approval, love and acceptance, the child gets the feeling: “everything is all right with me”, “I am good”, and from the signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism - the feeling “something is wrong with me”, “ I am bad".

Protecting and raising a child, we must be aware of what message we are sending him about him now. The child most often perceives punishment as a message: “You are bad!” Criticism of mistakes - “You can't!”, ignoring - “I don't care about you”, and even - “You are unloved”.

Sometimes a child's desire to be "good" leads children to look for ways to "correct" themselves through self-punishment. Punishment, and even more so self-punishment of the child, only exacerbates his feeling of trouble and unhappiness. As a result, he eventually comes to the conclusion: “Bad, so be it! And I'll be bad!" This is a challenge that hides the bitterness of despair.

A dysfunctional child continues to be punished, criticized, and then completely rejected in the family and school.

Problems of different levels of the "jug" of emotions

Level 1: destructive emotions

The child is angry with his mother: “You are not good, I don’t love you!” We already know that pain, resentment, etc. are hidden behind his anger. (I and II layers of our scheme). In this case, it is best actively listen, guess and name his "passive" feeling.

What should not be done is to condemn and punish him in return. So you can only aggravate his negative experience (and yours too).

It is better to leave your educative words until the time when the situation is calm and your tone is friendly.

Level 2: Painful emotions

If a child openly suffers from pain, resentment, fear, then active listening- irreplaceable. This method is directly intended for experiences from layer II of our scheme.

If the same feelings are experienced by the parent, then it is best to express them in the form of "I-messages".

However, it is important to remember that if the “glass” of the child is also full, then his ears may not hear you; you should listen to it first.

Level 3: Needs

What does he lack? If the discontent or suffering of the child is repeated on the same occasion, if he constantly whines, asks to play, read; or, on the contrary, he constantly disobeys, fights, is rude ... it is very likely that the reason is some kind of dissatisfaction; his needs (III layer of the scheme). He may lack your attention or, conversely, a sense of freedom and independence; he may suffer from neglected studies or failure in school.

In this case, one active listening is not enough. True, you can start with it, but then try to understand what your child still lacks. You will really help him if you spend more time with him, pay more attention to his activities, or, conversely, stop controlling him at every turn.

One of the most effective ways is to create conditions that do not contradict, but meet the needs of the child. He wants to move a lot - to organize the open space well; wants to explore puddles - you can get high boots; wants to draw big pictures - an extra piece of cheap wallpaper will not hurt. Let me remind you that it is incomparably easier to row with the current than against it.

Understanding the needs of the child, accepting them and responding to them with your actions means actively listening to the child in the broadest sense. This ability develops in parents as they practice the technique of active listening more and more.

Level 4: Self-esteem, sense of self-worth

“You are dear to me, and everything will be fine with you!”

The further down we move through the layers of our schema, the greater the impact on the child of the style of communication with him. About what he is - good, dear, capable, or bad, useless, a loser - he learns only from adults and, above all, from his parents.

If the deepest layer - the emotional feeling of oneself - is made up of negative experiences, many areas of the child's life are upset. He becomes "difficult" both for himself and for others. Great efforts are needed to help him in such cases.

How to maintain a child's self-esteem?

In order to prevent a child from deep discord with himself and the world around him, you need to constantly maintain his self-esteem or sense of self-worth.

1. Unconditionally accept the child.

Accepting everyone for who they are: My children are ordinary children. They behave like all children in the world. There is a lot of annoying in children's antics, and this is so.

Just a nonjudgmental judgment. You can express your “dissatisfaction with individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.

It is possible to condemn the actions of the child, but not his feelings, how undesirable or "impossible".

2. Actively listen to his experiences and needs.

4. Do not interfere with the activities with which he copes.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

7. Share your feelings (means to trust).

8. Constructively resolve conflicts.

No negative commands. The subconscious does not hold the denial of "not."

Choice without choice! (Will you go to bed now or will you pack your books first?)

Skip the first “NO”, “NOT”.

9. Demonstrate love: hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

Use friendly phrases in everyday communication.

For example: I feel good with you. I'm glad to see you. It's good that you came. I like the way you... I missed you. Let's (sit, do it ...) together. You can do it, of course. It's good that we have you. You are my good.

Eye contact, open, friendly under normal conditions.

Close attention, focusing on the child completely, so that the child feels most important.

» . Because in the first article I did not touch on a fairly important issue: how they affect children.

Who doesn't want their child to grow up happy. For his life to be successful. And for this a lot of time and effort is devoted to education and upbringing. And everyday communication is not always paid due attention.

Sometimes what you just don’t hear on the playground. But who has never been angry with their child?

Most likely, there is no such parent. Unfortunately, it is in moments of irritation and anger that we do not pay attention to the words that we pronounce, to the comparisons and “labels” that we endow with our children.

Child's self-esteem

How many times a day is usually repeated:

“Your room is always a mess.

— You can’t do anything (you don’t understand, you don’t know, you don’t want to…).

- Terrible behaviour.

- Ignorant, dirty, clumsy, loser, stupid, greedy, mischievous ...

- Ugly child.

- You don't have a brain.

“Hands grow out of the wrong place. Etc.

And these are not the most rough definitions.

All this is deposited on the subconscious and affects the future self-esteem of the child.

And it is important that these remarks, as a rule, are made emotionally. And most often VERY EMOTIONAL!

But it is known that any words work better when backed up by emotions. And in this case it does not matter: positive or negative. Such words are instantly recorded on the subconscious.

And the child already feels inside himself: harmful, greedy, unlucky, dirty, stupid, incapable of anything ....

A word spoken once can not have the best effect on the rest of your life.

Useless Requests

Then, often we use requests (and sometimes orders) with the particle “not”.

But the subconscious does not perceive this prefix, and a direct order is obtained to continue doing what we want to wean from.

- Do not Cry.

- Do not run.

- Do not scream.

- Do not play.

- Do not lie.

- Do not go.

Don't stand like...

- don't take away

- Do not be harmful, etc.

It is generally useless for small children to talk about what they should not do. They simply cannot understand how one can “not do”. So

Talk to your child the right way

Firstly , gotta learn to talk baby, not what not to do.

For example: instead of "do not jump" - "come with me calmly."

Instead of "don't shout" - "play quietly".

Secondly , remember that every definition that you call your baby will affect the formation of his self-esteem. So talk about it the way you would like it to be in the future.

Thirdly , when you tell others about your children, you should not characterize them from the best side. It is strictly forbidden to do this in the presence of a child.

But behind the eyes, you create a negative mental image. In this case, it is better to refrain from discussing or talking about problems in order to solve them, and not just for the sake of interest.

Your opinion about your child is justified. If you think and tell everyone that the baby is constantly sick, it will be difficult for him to communicate with peers, it will be difficult to study, etc., then it will be so.

Other helpful tips from the expert onhow to talk to a child correctly , you can find in book by Julia Gippenreiter "Communicate with a child. How?" , which you can download for free on the page .

And that's not all.

The most interesting,

that ALL of the above is true of a wife or husband.

If we constantly characterize the second ptin, then this is exactly what he / she will be for you.

Therefore, before swearing, think about whether it is worth even in anger to use words that will bring , not harm?

And next time we will talk about the importance of regular rest.

Why do children take the advice and warnings of their parents so lightly? Why do you have to remind yourself a hundred times that after a walk you need to wash your hands and put away scattered toys before going to bed?

There are well-defined reasons why children perceive information differently than adults. If you know these reasons, then it will be much easier to agree with the child.

#1 Why can't they hear us?

Children and young people are characterized by incredible fearlessness and frivolity, which often terrifies adults. Mom can repeat a hundred times that you can’t put your finger into the outlet (climb onto the roof of the garage, come home late, etc.).

But the child simply does not hear these warnings. It's all about the characteristics of the psyche. Children and teenagers simply do not believe that something bad can happen to them, so all parental orders often fly past the target.

Children, in general, think differently and often see things differently. For example, the order in the room from the point of view of mother and child may look completely different. It may seem to the mother that complete chaos reigns in the room of her son or daughter, and the child may believe that everything is rationally arranged for him, since everything you need is at hand.

Trying to convince a child of something, you need to remember that abstract thinking becomes available to children by about 10 or even 15 years. Therefore, notations and tedious edifications, as a rule, do not evoke the slightest response in the soul of a child. At the same time, the child can agree with what his parents say to him, and happily nod in response to the question: “Did you understand everything?”.

In fact, the joy is caused by the fact that the boring educational lecture is over and you can go about your business. And from the fact that the parents taught him for an hour, the child, most likely, did not remember a single word. But what to do? How do you teach your child the rules of safe behavior and good manners? So that parental efforts are not in vain, you need to be able to speak with the child in a language he understands.

#2 Visibility is the main principle

In order for a child to remember what his parents want to instill in him, it is important that he not only hear what was said, but also perceive the information through the senses, that is, he could feel and see.

Thus, in order to achieve understanding, it is necessary to create an image and use the child's senses. This way of presenting information works not only with kids, but also with teenagers. In this case, what was said is immediately “recorded” in the subconscious and is no longer forgotten.

#3 Learning by playing

For a child, a game is life, therefore it is in the form of a game that it is easiest to teach a child anything, including safety rules. A fifteen-minute game will give a child more useful information than an hour-long lecture.

Another fail-safe way to teach a child something is to tell him fairy tales. Kids, empathizing with the heroes, involuntarily put themselves in their place. Thus, the emotional sphere is involved, and this, as mentioned above, contributes to the memorization of information.

#4 Learn casually

The joke about students: “Knew it, passed it, forgot it,” has a real basis. What is forced to remember disappears from the head instantly. It's all about internal protest: uninteresting information that seems useless to a child is simply not absorbed by him.

Therefore, in order to teach children safe behavior and accustom them to order, you need to act unobtrusively and in an effort to arouse curiosity. The more interesting parenting lessons are organized, the more useful they will be. If mom or dad sits a son or daughter in front of them and starts lecturing, then the child, of course, will listen to them.

But nothing of what has been said will stick in his head. Trying to teach a child something, constantly monitor his reactions. If he began to look away, wiggle his leg or move his lips, you can be sure that he no longer hears you, and his thoughts are far away.

Of course, if mom or dad has the wonderful gift of a good storyteller and knows how to keep the child's interest, then lectures can be used as a teaching method. Otherwise, your efforts will be in vain.

#5 Eliminate the negative

The psychology of the child is such that any prohibition gives rise to opposition. Therefore, if you want children to listen to you, try to exclude denial from your speech.

That is, you need to say: “Do this and that”, but the wording: “Never do this” is incorrect. And to make the lessons even more visual, you need to show the child the right actions by example.

It is also useless to put rhetorical questions in front of the child. Questions that do not require an answer cause only dull irritation in children and do the opposite. This opposition is especially noticeable in adolescence, when children react sharply to inappropriate irony.

#6 Repetition is the mother of learning

How is information memorized? First, it enters the memory, which is called short-term, and after about three days, the learned information is either forgotten or enters long-term memory, where it is stored for a long time.

How to make sure that the information is still remembered? It should be bright and interesting, and you need to periodically return to it, repeating what you learned earlier. Only you need to repeat not in the same words, but in different ways, it will be much more interesting, and therefore remembered better.

If you find an error, please highlight a piece of text and click Ctrl+Enter.

Many parents are familiar with Julia Gippenreiter's book " Communicate with the child. How?". Its author is a professor at Moscow State University, a scientist and teacher. In her handbook for new parents, she simply spoke beautifully about the problems between generations, as well as ways to solve them.

Book by Julia Gippenreiter, Professor of Psychology, " We talk with the child. How?”will be relevant both for newly minted moms and dads, and for those who have taken place. Basically, most of the problems occur at the time when children enter adolescence.

Or vice versa - they make too much effort, warning and protecting the child from life's worries. A newborn, and then an infant, speaks only their own language. He smiles, gurgles, reacts to the conversations of adults from birth.

The book is written in the form of lectures: there are both lessons and homework. It has a lot of tips, as well as ready-made techniques. A big plus is that the author does not talk on his own behalf about the arrangement of the world, does not resort to emotional attacks, because many other manuals have this drawback. There are also many points in the book that push parents to what they themselves knew, but did not apply.

It is also attractive that there are no generalizations and a lot of practical advice. Various disputable situations are considered in detail, and after them " parsing on the shelves The reader literally wants to put the recommendations into practice. There are a lot of examples of various situations and almost every mom or dad will be able to get the information they need.

Very often there is a misunderstanding. Why does a child speak very rudely with parents, does not make contact, does not do what adults consider necessary? The answers to these questions are in the first edition Communicate with the child. How?».

The author focuses on the fact that the baby needs to be loved not for something, but just like that. He may not behave the way his parents want, he has his own concepts of the world around him, his opinion does not coincide with adults.

But if mom and dad love him, then they should accept him for who he is, and not for beauty, intelligence and success. Attention is also paid to such a burning issue as punishment for a wrong deed. The author makes it clear: in no case should you tell the baby that he is bad. It is an act that is bad, which means it cannot be repeated.

An entire chapter of the book is devoted to development through helping adults. Sometimes for the crumbs to become one of those who need his help. As often as possible they say let's do it together».

Attention is given to the tone of communication. As a rule, adults always give guidelines that limit the freedom of action and are the cause for the creation of conflict situations. Both newborns and older children should be treated in a friendly, cheerful, affectionate way.

It also tells about the conflicts of generations, provoking factors, constructive and non-constructive methods of solution.

The author talks on the pages of the book about responsibility, its necessity and importance. Adults should gradually remove certain worries from themselves and transfer responsibility for them to babies. Be sure to allow them to face the negative consequences of their actions and deeds, because any person becomes more conscious, having received personal experience.

How to talk to a newborn baby

As already mentioned, you need to communicate with the baby correctly from birth. Mom should repeat the humming after him. Despite the fact that the baby is still quite tiny, he understands such sounds well, they hear him, and he is not alone. This will allow you to develop your child well emotionally and prevent many problems in the future.

When the baby is already a little older, the mother is at the level of his eyes, you can say " on the same wavelength". Then the children see that their parents are close people who hear them. Such crumbs absorb impressions like a sponge, they always want to contact, so any little things are important in communicating with them.

How to talk to a baby

It is worth noting that communication with infants up to a year should be constantly improved. For example, with babies aged 2-3 months, you need to speak affectionately, in a cheerful tone, but at the same time you need to develop skills through speech.

At this time, the baby begins to listen to his cooing and the conversations of others. From 3 to 6 months - repeat the sounds he has learned after the child. He will follow the movements of the mouth and face. In the period from 6 to 9 months, the baby masters associative skills, for example, he can wave his pen to say " goodbye».

How to talk with a child when he reaches 9 months? At this age, he can already pronounce letters, syllables and even whole words, answer simple questions. You need to teach him to repeat after an adult.

Active listening technique

In this lesson, Yulia Borisovna teaches parents: “ actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he just told, indicating his feeling". It is worth noting that this technique can be used both for very young toddlers, and for teenagers, and even for adults.

Possession of this technique allows children to adopt the parental manner of communication and teach them to actively listen to adults. In addition, the author claims that such a technique transforms the parents themselves.

The problem of parents' feelings is also touched upon. Adults, of course, get tired, get sick, just feel bad and cannot adequately answer the baby. In such situations, the "I - messages" technique is used. How to talk to a child in this case?

An adult should honestly talk about his experiences and feelings that are caused by the behavior of the baby. For example, when mom has a headache and he makes noise, you need to say that at other times she would have reacted to the noise, but now she feels bad, and he should be quieter. It is important to focus on yourself and your feelings, and not on the behavior of the child or himself.

The requirements of parents should not contradict the most important needs of babies, for example, physical activity. Also, adults must agree on restrictions among themselves so that it does not happen that mom forbids, and dad allows the same thing.

Again, emphasis is placed on the tone of communication. How can you not talk to a child? Prohibitions should not be communicated in an imperative tone, a friendly and explanatory one is quite suitable.

In addition, the moment of punishment is also described. The author recommends, as such, depriving something good, rather than treating it roughly.

Julia Gippenreiter tries to introduce the basics of child psychology, telling what the baby learns from the words of others. Whatever he does, his success must be recognized.

You can sum it up. To avoid conflict situations, you need:

• Accept and love as he is;
• Actively listen, paying attention to experiences, even if he is still small and speaks his own language - cooing;
• Do not interfere in things that he can do on his own, without the help of others;
• Spend quality time together, giving preference to activities that the baby likes. Both active games and intellectual entertainment should be present;
• Help if he asks;
• Share your feelings;
• Encourage and support success;
• Make an effort to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

Parents often complain that older children do everything in their own way and ignore any advice. Of course, it's embarrassing. Sometimes the reason may be a transitional age, when the child looks like a hedgehog and literally denies everything that comes from the parents. But let's look at another reason. How do we ourselves talk to our children? Does the child see support in our words, willingness to help and understand? Today we will tell you what is important to focus on when communicating with the younger generation.

This article will be accompanied by inquisitive, funny, incendiary, sincere and such beloved smiles of children. We wish you to see them more often!

What determines the style of communication between parents and children?

Most often, parents choose the way of communication with the child, depending on their own temperament and ideas, which is correct. It can be pressure, a lot of demands and a system of rewards and severe punishments.

The other option is completely opposite. Parents always try to be kind and gentle, they allow a lot, do not raise their voices and hope that the child will appreciate it. If the child does not justify trust, all the same pressure and restrictions are used.

The third option is probably the most successful. In this case, parents combine severity and softness, depending on the situation. Think about how communication is built in your family. You may find our tips helpful.

1. Less negative constructs.

Since childhood, we have been accustomed to the word “no” and the particle “not”. We talk the same way with our children. Don't touch the hot kettle! Don't drop the plate! Don't step into the puddle! As a result, the child feels like a fool who, without parental control, will definitely step into the dirt, drop something and break it.

Especially, it is not worth telling a schoolboy that he will not pass the exam, will not go to college, he will not succeed. The child will not start trying from such statements, he will just get upset. It is better to use a positive form in communication.

Take a towel to rearrange the kettle.

Hold on tight to the plate, it's heavy.

Focus on math.

Do your homework from 4 to 5 and then play or watch a movie.

Such phrases translate your claims and worries into a constructive, encouraging, and the child feels more confident.

2. Explain why this is needed.

We believe that children understand the consequences of certain actions just as clearly as we do.

That is, we know that if you study well, you can pass exams and enter a good institute, and then find a prestigious job. If you clean the room, it will be nice to go into it. If you read a lot, your vocabulary will improve and it will become more interesting to communicate with such a person.

But children are not yet ready to grasp cause and effect relationships on the fly. They understand that if you eat, the feeling of hunger will disappear, but the connection between an unloved subject and an interesting profession is not yet obvious to them.

Therefore, do not be lazy to explain that complex physics is useful not only at school (soon we will tell you exactly where it may still be needed), give examples of funny quotes taken from books that can be successfully inserted into a conversation, making your interlocutor laugh. Your explanations will work much better than "I said quick for the lessons!".

3. Questions with an open ending.

Remember how you are interested in the success of the child. For example, he went to a friend's birthday party. What will be your question when he returns? Most often, parents ask - did you like it? And the child answers in monosyllables, yes or no.

How are you interested in his school life? Most often this question is - are you doing well at school? And, of course, you get the answer - yes. This is not a very good way to mutual understanding. The child will not reveal any details of his life in response to a formal question.

Therefore, try to get him out of the shell, ask questions with an open ending that require a detailed answer.

What do you like about biology lessons?

What do you hate about physics?

Who is the funniest exercise in PE?

Try to stretch to the maximum, talk the child.

No need to go too far, for example, persistently ask who he likes. Watch how ready he is to open up, keep the necessary distance. Such tactics of detailed conversations and the necessary detachment will only bring you closer.

4. Understand and accept.

Often, even from childhood, parents tell their children - “you are a boy, stop crying” or “you are a girl, stop yelling and running around”.

If a child is afraid to enter a dark room, they tell him that there is nothing to worry about, just go and that's it. But the thing is, at our age, there are no monsters in a dark room. It is we, grown-up boys and girls, who can endure resentment without tears and do without running around with happiness (and even then not always).

For children, things are a little different. The same is true in adolescence and in adolescence. If they come to you with a message that they hate math, try not to answer that this is not a subject for conversation, you just need to go and do your homework! Otherwise, your child will simply close up and stop sharing his sorrows.

As a child, when you yourself complained that you were afraid to sleep in a dark room, it would help you a lot if your mother said - well, I will not close the door, and you will not be scared.

Leave the door open for your child. Listen to him. Remember yourself. Say that this is actually normal, that you can’t love everything in general. Think together how to be. Maybe you will find a teacher who will help you fall in love with something that seemed terrible yesterday. The main thing is to open your heart to the fears and problems of the child.

To build and maintain a relationship with your child, put conversations at the forefront.

Be sincerely interested in the lives of children, discuss in detail various events, emotions and feelings, keep a friendly tone and do not press unnecessarily. You will see what miracles simple human conversations are capable of!

The main thing - try not to be led by emotions, it is better to try to take the side of the child. Most likely, you will be able to look at many things with different eyes.