You are less concerned about how your partner feels. How strong is your relationship: test

09.07.2019

Greetings! I imagine the female surprise after the news that husband filed for divorce. Russia is among the leaders in the number of divorced marriages per year, which provokes the spread of psychological defects in men, women and their children. In this material, women who do not know what to do and how to behave, when husband asks for a divorce, receive a motivating "kick" to restore the marriage or make the final decision to divorce without regret.

I will also consider situations whose model has a legal connotation, since marriage, whatever one may say, is not only a personal matter, but also a state one. This is proved by the fact that it is drawn up in accordance with the law established by the heights of power. I will analyze cases with a woman's pregnancy, with the presence of a common child (or children) and touch on the topic of real estate, since divorce involves the division of the family into two parts.

Why does the husband want a divorce? Common reasons.

Periodically experienced psychological or physical discomfort causes the accumulation of negative emotions, the pressure of which on consciousness is growing every day. Depending on which of the spouses will reach the limit of patience first, he will begin to think about the expediency of the existence of marriage. If husband said, that he wants to get divorced(to file for divorce), which means that he is unable to further suppress his discontent on his own.

I present a list of good reasons where the wife is the culprit:

On purpose by his wife (communication with other men or similar to flirting);
Malignant socialization in the family circle (pessimism in relations with the mother or father of the husband);
Antimoral behavior that is not characteristic of a married woman (hanging out in clubs, meeting friends, attending leisure activities without a husband);
Failure to adapt to everyday life (preservation of bachelor habits, lack of motivation to do household chores);
Subjective assessment, creation of psychological discomfort due to showdown, pretense, lies, purposeful suppression of a man;
Dominance in everyday life and love relationships (a woman makes decisions independently, regardless of the words of her husband);
Lack of family development prospects (unwillingness to get pregnant, give birth to a child, look for a job (if you think that only a man earns money in a family, look for a millionaire) and climb the career ladder);
Assignment of the family budget, part of which is earned by the husband (buying unnecessary things and jewelry at a time when there is a shortage of food at home);
Periodic scandals are taken to extremes (a woman runs away from home for several days, and upon her return does not report to her husband about the place of stay);
Either a one-time betrayal took place (the pinnacle of betrayal that a man who takes marriage seriously cannot endure).

These reasons are related to the female model of disrespect and giving little importance to the family, therefore husband asked for a divorce.

Reasons where the male is the culprit:

Loss of love
Intimate dissatisfaction.

If a woman stops "lighting a candle" in a man's heart, husband proposes divorce or asks for changes in the relationship. The proposal to divorce only 35% becomes a necessary measure, so there is a chance to correct the situation.

What should I do if my husband wants a divorce?

Most women who are not able to restrain emotional stress move away from the conflict, ignoring the problem. Both participants understand the need to move from a conflict to a constructive dialogue, but due to their own selfishness and bias experienced towards each other, no one wants to give in. The feeling of anxiety makes women rethink marriage and understand its value only under the "barrel of divorce." Is there any chance to renew the union if husband asked for a divorce? Yes!

If husband wants a divorce, « How to behave? is the first question to be asked. The five following points explain the correctness of women's behavior for the preservation of the family.

1. Don't play the victim!

Cry out and scream sacrificially, “How can you do this to me?” allowed on the first day when the husband said he wanted a divorce. However, this will not affect the rapprochement, rather, it will repel. It is more expedient to introduce positive aspects into the existing marriage, emphasizing women's love. A man does not believe in words, so declarations of love with increased regularity will not affect his mood to file for divorce. Relationships are work, responsibility, and not relaxation with the thought “there is, and okay.”

Remind your husband of your positive qualities, reveal them in full color.
Find differences between behavior patterns before marriage and after marriage.
If romance has been transformed, turning into a routine, restore the former atmosphere.
Do not wait for an assessment of your actions, evaluate men: thoughts, actions and appearance.
Radiate positive, you will save more with a smile than with tears.
Put on more often things donated by your husband and thank him.
Laugh at his jokes - this behavioral model refers to the express attachment psycho technique.

2. Make a list of "faults" in your behavior.

Take a piece of paper with a pen and write down the negative comments you once heard from a husband who wants a divorce today. Come from afar, you should not be equal to what you have heard over the past week. Firstly, this procedure will allow you to find time periods when your husband tried to get rational thinking from you, and secondly, you will reveal the true reason for the current divorce attempt.

When you finish the list, make sure that no details are left out and that your head is cold to perceive them. You can’t weed out aspects that seem incorrigible to you, since people’s vision of the same situation varies and it’s not a fact that your vision is fairer than that of your husband.

Then imagine yourself as a girl being scolded by mom or dad. How would they react to the first paragraph of the comment? What would they say? Would you punish? Answer these questions for yourself. If you don’t succeed on your own, find in the list of friends the one who, in your opinion, has the strongest family. Meet with her and discuss the points, perhaps you will understand the correctness of their sound from the lips of a spouse.

3. Compare your appearance before marriage with today.

The saying “Men love with their eyes” is widespread, so you should pay attention to your appearance. If husband wants a divorce, appearance can be a significant factor in destroying this idea. Get busy, rethink your hairstyle. Pay attention to the clothes you're wearing: Throw away those baggy, sweaty pants and outdated shoes. If you don’t understand what changes to undergo, contact makeup artists, hairdressers, cosmetologists, or look at the girls with the perfect appearance that stand out from the crowd.

4. Make a list of grievances.

In addition to a list of behavioral aspects, make a list of lingering male and female grievances. It is easy to do this, just remember what moments the husband often reminds (even in a comic form), because because of them he wants a divorce. Ask him for a dialogue and during the conversation ask how to behave so as not to cause negative emotions. Sorry for the prejudice.

Try to consider your own grievances from a rational point of view in order to give them a fundamental definition. At the end of the conversation, it is advisable to ask what problem forced the husband to make a daring decision to disperse.

5. Rebuild your mind.

Interaction mistakes in relationships are made by both young and adults. The main thing is to understand their unacceptability in everyday life and try to avoid, drawing the right conclusions. Selfishness interferes with the understanding of the mistake, so every third wants a divorce in Russia. Egoists sincerely believe that the world must revolve around them, they do not change their own views for the sake of the unworthy.

If the husband demands a divorce, it means that the domestic war has reached a dead end: no one wants to give in, stands his ground and tries to achieve an understanding of the second. Do you want to fix it? Change your worldview in favor of your spouse. Do you often notice that he uses it? This means that the reason is in it and everything that you could do has already been done, therefore, the marriage is so deformed that it is better to terminate it.

Often after a breakup in a relationship, a woman's coefficient of love for her own person decreases. In this case, I propose an exercise to restore the integrity of the individual.

Self-confidence programming exercise.

If deep down you think you don't deserve to be loved, you need to change that. Use "temporary pressure" - a method of changing the beliefs that cause failure.

With three long fingers of your right hand, touch the circle around your right ear (if you are right-handed, if left-handed, then use the left side). Slowly, without lifting your fingers, move the first from above to the second, and the second to the third from the bottom counterclockwise and complete the circle to the starting position. Make 10 circles and at the same time say out loud: "I deserve true love, I am attractive, I deserve a good attitude towards myself ...". This procedure reprograms the brain, replacing negative beliefs about oneself with positive ones.

The husband filed for divorce. How to behave?

Find out the circumstances after which the husband wanted a divorce. If these are not behavioral factors, disagreements and loss of feelings, then the presence of a third party has changed his perception of the value of the family. Relatives often interfere in the private life of the newlyweds, however, if the husband once made a marriage proposal, not paying attention to their objections, this is unlikely to become a problem today. Therefore, this is either a betrayal of the spouse, or his betrayal.

If you have no sin, and your husband filed for divorce, what to do - soon decide for yourself if it turns out that the matter is in adventures.

The husband filed for divorce because of infidelity (the presence of a mistress).

Can the situation be corrected if husband filed for divorce because he fell in love with his mistress and decided to start a family with her? Probably not. If he stays in the family, the model of his behavior will change significantly. Anger, anger, aggression - all this will affect children. Yes, the psychological trauma of the child cannot be avoided due to the deformation of the family, but his psyche will suffer much more seriously if he observes the unhealthy interaction of parents. Therefore, in this situation, it is better to agree to a divorce.

An even more difficult situation is one in which husband left, wants a divorce in view of the understanding that he was tired of the routine associated with the family. One-time meetings do not imply responsibility for which he is not yet ready, so separation will seem promising to him. However, there is a high probability of a periodic return to the family, which will become an obstacle to the "reanimation of the female heart."

He will come with open arms and flowers, ask for forgiveness with tears in his eyes. If this scenario takes place, turn off trust and bet on the willingness or unwillingness to live with a traitor.

If you don’t know for sure if your husband is cheating,.

The husband filed for divorce because of his wife's infidelity.

At the moment when the husband filed for divorce, it is unlikely that he will be able to change his decision if it is not spontaneous. Understand that a man who attaches high importance to treason as the highest degree of betrayal is problematic. First, memories of the incident will periodically cause nervous states. Secondly, on the basis of experiences, he can fall into and independently develop a list of diseases (cardiological, neurological, oncological ...). After such a mistake, it is not advisable to win the man back.

Unfortunately, you have already made a bed choice not in favor of your husband, so you should not aggravate the situation. Better prepare for independent living and familiarize yourself with legal issues.

legal circumstances.

There are a lot of legal situations when divorcing a husband, I will consider common ones so that there is no need to visit a paid lawyer.

Husband filed for divorce, wife is pregnant.

If husband filed for divorce, wife is pregnant the marriage is not dissolved under any circumstances. It can be terminated when the child turns 1 year old, but you can ask the court to give time for reconciliation (from 3 to 6 months). Moreover, you can apply for alimony to support you with a child until he is 3 years old, being married to him. In this case, evidence of pregnancy is required (a certificate from the clinic is enough). The amount of the maintenance fee is either negotiated with the husband or set by the court. The husband has the right to apply for the establishment of paternity if he is not sure that the child is from him. DNA testing will be done after the baby is born.

The husband wants to get a divorce, there is a common child.

In a situation with a child or several children in the family, the marriage is dissolved if all have reached the age of 1 year. Often women are interested in who the child will remain with in the event of a divorce. So, the court is always on the side of the mother, however, it is worth considering the living conditions and her moral health.

If the mother abuses alcoholic beverages, does not work anywhere, looks after the child badly, the father will have to prove these facts in court, involving guardianship and guardianship authorities. In case of successful proof, the child remains with the father, and the woman is entitled to alimony in the amount established in the alimony payment agreement (notarized!) or one-fourth of the salary per child. The above conditions, by the way, are enough to deprive the mother of parental rights.

If child support is paid in cash or by buying things, stationery, toys, or paying for kindergarten, clubs and sections, keep receipts and ask for a receipt for funds. If you claim non-payment of child support, you will be able to provide the following as evidence to the contrary.

Place of residence after divorce.

So, the husband filed for divorce, what if the apartment was purchased during marriage? The court will consider this fact as jointly acquired property, therefore, it will oblige to divide it. The husband, of his own free will, can leave you an apartment if there is other property besides it that is equal in value to real estate: for example, a summer house + a car + furniture. Thus, the court will agree to divide the property and you will stay in the apartment.

If the property was donated from relatives to you, the husband has no rights to it and you can write him out of there without his consent. If the apartment was donated by a relative of the husband, you do not have rights to live in it, however, if a child is registered in it, the husband will not be able to write him out until the age of majority. In the event of the sale or exchange of an apartment, he will have to register his son at a new place of residence.

If the apartment was privatized in marriage in equal shares, the wife owns half of the living space, even without a residence permit. If the husband, when divorcing, demanded eviction, you have the right to demand compensation for an amount equal to half of all acquired property (it does not matter to whom it is registered).

Credit.

If your husband filed for divorce and took a loan for a large amount without your consent and knowledge, you have the right to contact the bank's security service and talk about preparing for a divorce. You will also have to prove that the loan was spent on his personal needs, and not on family needs. In this case, the loan will be obliged to pay it alone.

If, while being married, expensive property was purchased on credit, but it has not yet been paid, you will have to pay it to the end, and then demand in court that your husband return half of the loan.

If the husband insisted on pledging your apartment when receiving a loan, you can bet on the transaction in a state of delusion. Thus, the court will recognize the transaction as invalid if you did not understand what you were getting into and did not know the true state of affairs. Here it is necessary to work with a lawyer and offer the bank another option for collateral, for example, a car owned by the husband.

If you took equipment or things on credit while you were married, but after a divorce, the man does not return them, although you still pay loans, write a statement to the police.

Quiz: Should I keep my marriage with my husband?

1. Have you often caught your husband in a lie?

2. What is the interaction of the child (children) with your husband?

3. Whose salary is higher?

4. Who, in your opinion, should be the head of the family?

5. Have you heard that you spend too much money on cosmetics, clothes, etc.?

Divorce is stressful to say the least. Most women do not want to divorce their husband even if married life has become unbearable. And all because they are afraid of the following:

Responsibility for children is completely shifted to the shoulders of the mother. Not wanting to feel guilty for taking the father away from the kids, the woman endures the presence of her husband to the last.
Relatives, not knowing the true circumstances in the family, often take the side of the husband. Thus, a woman is left without the support of loved ones, which leads to doubts and erroneous conclusions about her act.
Material security is one of the main obstacles to separation. Especially when the spouse is fully supported by the husband. In this case, the stress is double. Although for those who are tired of indecision and boring existence, on the contrary, job search becomes an opportunity for self-realization.
Loneliness and fear that causes psychological discomfort. The lady needs to come to terms with the idea that now she has a new status - "a single woman." For many, this is very annoying.

Naturally, there are purely individual reasons why a young lady prefers a bad marriage to calm loneliness. But there are times when it is simply necessary to leave. Otherwise, living together threatens to undermine the physical and psychological health of a beautiful person.

How to understand that you need to divorce your husband? Alcohol, drug addiction of the spouse.

The most compelling reasons, because dependent individuals become asocial over time, degrade and lose all ability to perform family functions. You definitely need to think about the offspring - what do you doom them to, forcing you to see your father in an inadequate state almost every day?

Physical violence

Beat - means love? Do not make me laugh. There is no such good reason in the world why a husband could raise his hand to his chosen one. The sooner the gap happens, the better for your health and life.

Moral pressure, despotism

It is not known what is worse - physical abuse or daily moral abuse. If the satellite constantly insults, humiliates, ignores, then over time the passion will turn into one continuous lump of diseases. By mocking, the partner destroys the self-esteem of the second half, nurtures inferiority complexes, which leads to psychosomatic failures. A child (if any), seeing how his father treats his mother, makes his own complexes and problems with relationships in the future.

Constant betrayals

Should we turn a blind eye to treason? If adultery happened once, and if the companion sincerely repents, it is necessary. And if betrayal occurs openly and is accompanied by a complete disregard for the legitimate companion - why endure?

Laziness and unwillingness to provide for the family

Yes, everyone can be unemployed at some point in their lives. You can understand it. But how to understand a person who does not want to go to work and lives quite calmly on the finances of a companion? Is it a reason for divorce?

Attention: these tips should be considered for those wives who do not face the weighty reasons for the breakup listed above.

How to decide on a divorce? Psychologists have a wonderful technique that is designed specifically for dealing with confusing situations. Especially in cases where the senses say one thing and the mind another.

The technique is called "Cartesian questions", which sound something like this:

What happens if this is done? (Answer simply).
What won't happen if you do this? This question is designed to identify “secondary benefits”. That is, with the help of the answer, one can determine the advantages of the current situation and the advantages that there is a risk of losing when a new result is achieved.
What won't happen if you don't do it? Here the left hemisphere of the brain falls into a stupor. But if you try to look for the answer, then a person can avoid the usual conscious thinking and use other neural channels of the brain. Simply put, you will think about a known situation in a new way. This process helps you to realize those values and inner forces that were previously unknown to you. Therefore, here I would like to wish to seek an answer with the help of intuition, but not logic.
What happens if you don't? It highlights the price you will pay if you continue to live as you did. Or you realize that parting will be a step forward for you, an impulse that will change your life for the better.

Important: Beforehow to divorce your husband, a woman needs to look inside her soul, turn to her values,ask yourself how the current situation satisfies your deepest needs.

Often, when thinking about whether it is worth getting a divorce, a lady puts her financial situation in the first place. Many women have an insoluble dilemma - material or spiritual comfort.

There are only two exits here. The first is that a beautiful person takes responsibility for her life, becomes independent and financially independent. That is, she preferred love and sincerity to money.

The second - a person chooses money and comfort, but is forced to adapt and endure, depriving herself of a complete emotional experience. Is it necessary to suffer so much if life is one and it is better not to observe it, but to live it?

Expectations and reality

After carefully considering the previous questions and answers, you may be surprised to find that in order to eliminate the interfering factors in your married life, as well as to achieve your goals, it is really possible to do without a breakup. Because the main part of the positive factors that a person is so striving for are already present in life, he just does not see them.

While you have not yet decided to divorce your husband completely, there is a chance for a new start. Only for the start there is no need to radically change the partner. Just change your point of view. If you have reached such an awareness, then grab the chance and change yourself while you are still close to the former companion. Because with the new you will be forced to start from scratch. And there is no guarantee that the new version will be better.

Keep in mind that the other person may not be found. Especially when the requirements of a woman are too high, and among the representatives of the stronger sex there are very few ideal ones. Psychologists advise to become a philosopher - to sort out expectations and possibilities. Also believe in yourself, no matter what awaits you at the finish line.

So, what does a lady expect when she is ready to make a decision to divorce her husband? Of course, subconsciously, she is waiting for only one thing - a happy ending:

The partner will get scared, correct, rethink, weigh and quickly begin to do what is expected of him.
The lady will get rid of the annoying partner.
Fate will immediately bring you to a new passion.

But let's return to reality and see how monstrously further events can disappoint a person:

The partner does not show any reaction and acts in the same "disgusting" way.
The partner reacts, but by committing inadequate actions. They do not fit into the plan you have developed at all, and the loneliness and other "benefits" that appear in connection with the separation are even more annoying than the previous problems. So, the lady falls into a zone of doubt and begins to want to turn back time - so that all this does not happen at all.
Fate turned out to be cruel and did not give a chance for a bright future, or the chance was received, but spoiled by the same scenario.

So, sometimes a person is left with empty hands and a lonely soul. And complete despair comes when he realizes that the expectations were naive and stupid.

If the reflections did not lead to the final result, then think about this. Both at a young and at an advanced age, a married couple is connected by one very important thing - spiritual relationships. A huge role is played by proper communication, trust and intimacy, not only in bed, but also in spirit. If, thinking about whether to get a divorce or not, you did not find anything like that in your relationship, then there is no point in living together. The couple will suffer longing and loneliness with each other.

Signs that a breakup is near

The inevitable approach of a break in steam feels intuitively. Sometimes this is determined by certain signs that are a warning. There are many cases where one of the couple had a premonition of an impending storm, but did not have enough reason to explain what was happening.

The first signal is limited communication between people. The partner suddenly becomes withdrawn, immersed in his personal experiences and does not want to share with his soulmate. Of course, such behavior is also inherent in a man in case of problems at work or with health (men's diseases, for example). Therefore, here the situation is still to be clarified, and isolation does not mean that it is worth getting a divorce.

But if the storm is indeed coming, then the development scenario is more or less clear. After immersing himself, the husband becomes more "cold" with his passion:

Refuses physical intimacy.
When showing any signs of attention from the wife, the spouse is indignant, irritated and even behaves aggressively.
Tries to independently (without asking your opinion) to solve everyday important issues.
Attempts to ask where the husband was, how the day went and why he was late for dinner, the reaction follows - "my personal affairs do not concern you."

This stage is already well underway. It is, of course, possible to return relations to their former course, but it will not be very easy. After all, spouses behave like almost strangers.

But what if you want to save the relationship? In this situation, go to a psychologist. Although it happens - when one partner cools down, the other does the same. And this happens on its own. But here, too, there is a plus - the decision to leave will be deliberate, balanced and mutual.

Even in the last century, traditions established over the centuries were revered, so few people talked about divorce. The father dominated the family. His word was law. The woman had no rights. It was her duty to honor and obey her husband, whether he was right or wrong. There were also frequent cases of violence in marriage, so to speak for educational purposes.

However, today women have rights, they can defend their opinion, and it is no longer necessary to endure the unfair attitude of their husband, his betrayal, drunkenness and beatings. Now the spouses have equal rights, and if family relations are a burden to them, both of them can decide whether to divorce or not.

Divorce - an exit or a dead end?

Creating a family is a responsible matter, imposing certain obligations, therefore it is necessary to approach this issue seriously. Most marriages are for love, and it seems to young people that this feeling will last forever. After several years of household fuss, family problems, love and passion gradually fade away, relationships deteriorate, come to a standstill, and now one of the spouses is already thinking about divorce.

You can understand whether a divorce is needed by the previous signs. To make a decision on the need to get a divorce, you should think over and weigh everything well, determine the reasons for the current situation, talk about the problem with your husband (wife). Only then will it become clear what decision to make.

The main signs of an impending divorce are:

When can a family be saved?

Divorce is not always the solution, and in some cases the family can be saved. It all depends on the specific case, because often banal quarrels and inability to listen and negotiate often lead to divorce. If passion, sympathy, desire to be together remain between husband and wife, they can try to understand each other, forgive and save the relationship.

The presence of children can also become an argument for maintaining family relationships, because for children, mother and father are the closest and dearest people. Whatever the relationship between parents and the reasons for divorce, for a child it is always a trauma that not every adult can cope with. If the situation is not critical, for the sake of children it is necessary to seek compromises and save the family.

Good reasons for breaking up a relationship

The grounds for divorce vary. In some cases, reconciliation and the preservation of a married couple is possible, while in others it is simply necessary to divorce. The main reasons to end a relationship are:

Divorce and children: is a complete family always better?

Most women who have children are ready to sacrifice themselves and endure a dysfunctional man nearby, who can raise a hand against her, insult her. They forgive husbands of infidelity or spend their time and health to cure a husband suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction. However, it is worth considering whether such a father is needed for children? What can he give them and what will he teach?

Undoubtedly, in such situations, even in the presence of children, you need to get a divorce and break off relations. Parents should set a good example for their children, and in dysfunctional marriages, the fate of the children breaks down, and the children follow in the footsteps of their relatives. The well-being of the kids must be taken care of, but to make the right decision, it is worth weighing the pros and cons of divorce.

How strong is your relationship: test

Sometimes it seems that everything is going smoothly in a relationship, but the feeling of anxiety is still there. To find out how strong your relationship with your partner is, take a simple psychological test, giving negative (0 points), neutral, for example, “not always” or “I don’t know” (1 point) or positive (2 points) answers:

Count how many points you got. If the total is more than 14 points, then your relationship is strong and you are perfect for each other. With a score of 10 - 14 points, you need to develop your relationship, look for common interests, listen to your half, learn to negotiate. In the family you lack harmony.

If you scored less than 10 points, you need to reevaluate your relationship. Read all the questions again, you can figure out what you and your spouse lack in order to become happy.

Try to understand yourself, in your desires, to understand what you lack in marriage. Put yourself in the place of your spouse and determine what he expects from you and whether you justify his expectations.

Expert advice may be needed if the relationship can still be saved, that is, the situation is not critical. To begin with, you need to tune in to thinking and understanding the situation, answering the questions:

What happens if you leave everything as it is and do nothing? Here you need to think about your situation and understand whether you can continue to live like this (see also:).
What happens if you get divorced? Think about what you have in marriage and what you will get in a divorce. Evaluate the benefits and benefits.
Consider your situation again, relying on intuition, your desires, and answer the following question: what will you lose if you do not decide to divorce?
What happens if you don't get divorced? Consider the price you pay for leaving the situation the same. Does it make sense to leave your marriage in this state, or perhaps it is better to move in a different direction, changing your life for the better, realizing your dreams and desires?

(3 votes : 5 out of 5 )

Divorce is stressful for all members of a disintegrating family and the end, as a rule, of a very difficult and conflicting period in the joint life of a man and a woman. However, after making a radical decision to break up, few people experience a sense of relief that is not overshadowed by negative emotions. A more typical situation looks different: we go into the “idle period” of life with pretty shabby feelings,

Weakened by external and internal conflicts, weighed down by doubts whether we used all the means to resuscitate relations, or at least to soften the blow that fell on loved ones. When it comes to a divorce in a family with children, then the entire described burden of negative thoughts and feelings immediately doubles. It is not surprising that in such an emotional state, divorced parents are far from always able to find the strength in themselves to take responsibility for what is happening, analyze their own feelings and help their child survive this difficult period of his life.

Interestingly, anxiety about the well-being of the child after a divorce makes parents seek psychological advice quite often (judging by my experience, about 1/3 of all cases), but this usually happens when quite a lot of time has passed and many mistakes have been made . Therefore, in this article we will consider typical mistakes in the views and behavior of divorced mothers and fathers. I hope that they will help you see the situation in all its diversity and avoid rash decisions.

Let us give examples of a frequently encountered line of reasoning and try to understand their meaning and consequences.

Mistake #1. My child behaves as usual, does not throw tantrums and does not ask about the departed parent. Consequently, divorce is not some kind of psychological trauma for him, he almost did not notice the changes. It is not necessary to focus the attention of the son (daughter) on this event, trying to explain what happened.

If you try to analyze this statement a little deeper, you will come to the conclusion that it is unrealistic. Try to imagine yourself in the place of the baby at least for a while (even if he is only 3 years old). If this is a mentally healthy child, then he has formed an attachment to both parents and in his picture of the world the family occupies an extremely important place, being a guarantee of the stability and security of his own existence. How can it be that a girl or a boy will not notice how their world has changed, will not miss one of their parents, will not be alarmed by their own fate? It is understandable, however, why many parents do not themselves notice signs of anxiety, sadness or anger in their children. Firstly, as already mentioned at the beginning of the article, adults themselves need peace and support during this period of life, therefore protective mechanisms begin to work actively in their unconscious, forcing a person to see the world subjectively distorted, not to notice new problems that require new solutions. The second reason for the “invisibility” of the child’s experiences may be that children, as a rule, are very sensitive to the emotional state of their parents and tend to behave the way their mother wants, for example, if they feel the seriousness of the situation. Therefore, it is not surprising that if a mother, who is afraid that trouble in her life will affect the well-being of her child’s life, unconsciously sends him signals, begging him to show her that everything is fine with him, then in response she receives a picture of her son’s outward calm or daughters. At the same time, in the best case for the child, he will try to get answers to his questions from someone else, and at worst, he will experience it alone, building his own hypotheses about the causes and consequences of what is happening. "Quiet" children who do not openly show their feelings in connection with divorce, find themselves in a very dangerous position for their mental well-being. A description of how children experience this in their inner world may be the subject of a separate monograph, and not just an article. Therefore, as a practicing psychologist, I want to advise parents not to be deceived by the external serenity of the child’s mood, but to discuss with him the reasons for the divorce, the feelings that the changes taking place in the family arouse in him, and plans for his future life.

Mistake #2. My ex-husband (wife) does not fulfill his parental responsibilities well, so it would be better for everyone if he (she) stops dating the child altogether. In other words, than a bad father (mother), better none (none).

Don't rush into such decisions. Such a conclusion can probably make it easier for adults to decide on the final break in relations and build their lives from scratch. However, adults must take responsibility for the steps taken in life that are important both for themselves and for their children. What we want to leave in our past as soon as possible (spouse (s) and unfinished relationships), for the child will forever remain his present (father / mother). Whatever the parents, their role in the development of the child's psyche is difficult to overestimate. In addition, they continue to influence this process even if they completely “disappeared” from the life of their son or daughter. Let's see how this happens.

In the case when a child does not see his father (or mother) for a long time, then this parent begins to exist for him as an internal image, representation. If you were categorical in refusing to communicate with the child's second parent, then most likely this inner reality created by the child's psyche will go unnoticed by you, since children feel the undesirability of expressing their feelings and thoughts on this matter. Accordingly, the baby will be left alone with this loss and attempts to overcome it, which is an excessive test for the child's psyche.

It is possible that you will still be asked questions about the reasons for the disappearance of the father (mother). Get ready for this in advance, because this simple question is fraught with many pitfalls, which can easily hurt the soul of a child.

Suppose that you, without further ado, in response, tell your son or daughter about all the shortcomings of the departed parent that negatively affect the life of the family. Be careful! When we speak badly about a parent, we strike at the child’s self-esteem, because “the apple does not fall far from the apple tree” - such a line of reasoning is enshrined in our language and mentality. What is left for a girl or a boy to do in this situation, so as not to feel his low value and "badness"? To do this, his unconscious can choose one of two ways.

The first way is the way of confrontation and struggle for the preservation of the positive image of the parent and, accordingly, of one's own too. As you understand, this threatens to worsen relations with the parent with whom they continue to live, and the formation of negativism traits in the character.

The second way is the rejection of the "bad" parent and attempts to break all emotional ties with him. This method is also very dangerous for a growing child. Firstly, when a child abandons his once beloved dad (or mom), he involuntarily feels like a traitor, and can carry this feeling of guilt through his whole life, which, of course, will not make his psyche healthy, and life happy. Secondly, if the refusal occurs under the influence of the pain of resentment (for being abandoned, for not being treated well enough, etc.), then the child has a feeling of “deception”, “abandonment” and a subconscious fear of being abandoned, which already in adulthood provokes the destruction of relationships, especially with people of the opposite sex. Thirdly, we must not forget that both parents are necessary for the child for proper sexual development. If a little boy agrees to abandon his father because he is “bad”, then he will be forced to accept gender identification with his mother (that is, focus on his mother in development, strive to be the same as her), which, of course, will distort his gender-role development influence relationships with peers and later on the success of relationships with women. Let's say that the daughter found herself in the same situation. It seems that there is no need to worry here, her identification and sexual development will not be disturbed. However, if a girl accepts the line of reasoning that her dad is “bad” or that he treated her badly, then this will cast doubts in her that men can generally be trusted. As you understand, such doubts are unlikely to help her build full-fledged family relationships in the future.

Suppose that a loving parent, after reading all these reflections taken from the practice of a psychologist, forbids his ex-husband (wife) from communicating with the child, but does it in such a way that he is sure that the departed parent is very good and loves the child. Of course, this approach is healthier for the child's psyche, but, unfortunately, it also has its drawbacks. Firstly, the child will still not be immune from the fear of losing loved ones. Secondly, the inner image of the father (or mother) continues to live its own life in the soul of the child and often becomes idealized, divorced from reality. Such an idealized image, for example, of a father, will complicate his realistic self-esteem for a boy (he will obviously feel worse than his father), and for a girl - the creation of a realistic image of a man (they will seem worse than her father, and therefore not worthy of her). attention).

What to do with the ex-spouse and his relationship with the child? Of course, it is impossible to give an unambiguous answer here, because many special cases remain outside the scope of our review (for example, if the former spouse (wife) suffers from mental illness). Therefore, the choice of the final decision on the possibility of communication with the departed parent, each family will make independently. However, in any case, you should think not even 7, but 10 times before taking a step that can change the whole life of a girl or boy. When the choice is made, you need to be no less careful and sensitive in explaining the situation to the child, in which, I hope, all of the above will help you.

Lomteva Tatyana Aleksandrovna, psychologist

Empty marriages and sick relationships lead nowhere. And it's not even about when there are constant conflicts in the family. I'm talking about a marriage in which everything seems to be fine, but for some reason there is no love and happiness.

Looking back, I came up with six signs that tell me it's time for a divorce.

My story

My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, unplanned pregnancy, registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dancing, and after the birth of a child, we had to forget about them altogether. But I believed that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what.

The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was not enough. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost did not quarrel, did not live in poverty, the way of life stabilized over the years, the child grew up. But there was nothing in common either.

I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I want to be with someone, then only with him. But if it does not work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we hadn't met, I would still come to the same decision, but later. There were bells.

We stopped talking to each other

At first we talked a lot: where did you study, what do you do, how do you look at the world, who are your parents and friends, what music do you listen to, what books do you read, what films do you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about.

But over time, the topics have exhausted themselves. It became clear to both that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie What Men Talk About, when Camille reads a text message from his wife: “Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".

Sometimes it was about views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, the dialogue did not work - it was more like consultations. My husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.

Conclusion

Communication is the main component of any relationship.

Most of the time you communicate. And it should be fun for both of you.

If your partner looks into your mouth, and you are engaged in upbringing in life, over time you may get bored with this. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want to be independent.

Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one constantly pulls the other along, or when people go their separate ways, vital chatter gradually disappears.

We tried to stay out of the house as much as possible.

We spent most of the time apart, but somehow we did not strive to be together. It was normal for the husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep peacefully when I put the baby to bed. We could hardly see each other until the weekend.

Saturday and Sunday were also spent in their own way. I walked with my son, tried to meet with friends. The husband spent time at the laptop: study, work, movies, games.

I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. I felt more comfortable that way.

The book will be useful to weak partners who feel dependent on their soul mate and believe that relationships are based only on them. You will understand why your partner is drawn to you less and less and learn how to become stronger, restore harmony and self-sufficiency.

The book will help the leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion have gone. You will better understand your partner's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you around.

A book about different forms of manifestation. Some feel love in the time they spend together, and some feel it through physical care and help. Someone small, but frequent gifts lead to ecstasy. In total, the author identifies five types: joint time, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.

Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn how to love your partner in the way that makes them feel the most comfortable. The book will be useful to anyone who needs a good relationship not only with a loved one, but also with other people.

The meaning of the book is as follows: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that are known to everyone and accepted in society. For example, I came back from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.

There are more complex and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously searches for his script and plays it out. They are instilled in us from childhood and are good (becoming a doctor and saving lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering yourself, burning out at work and dying at 35).

My scenario - if you become pregnant, you definitely need to marry the father of the child, you can’t get divorced - you need to educate a partner. I did not see other options for the development of events and went straight ahead to this marriage, as if fulfilling a program. Only five years later I ask myself: do I really want to? Do I need it?

Go see a psychologist

Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it is better not together, but separately.

Psychologists do not tell how to live, and do not give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help to consider the situation from different angles, put yourself in the place of another person and realize that something is not right. You find the way out yourself.

Psychologists help to effectively cope with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.

As a result, you will no longer be offended by the unpleasant behavior of your spouse, you will learn to be happy and stable.

After that, you will have two options:

your harmony will positively affect your partner, relationships will improve;
you will realize that you no longer need this relationship, and will soon disperse.

When the only way out is divorce

My first marriage was for me something like chickenpox, after which the body becomes permanently immune. Was this marriage unsuccessful? Yes, there was. Do I need such a relationship? Yes, they are needed.

We always attract only the right people. We learn alongside them. And if we learn a lesson, we become better. I needed a man with whom I would be a superwoman to be proud of the severity of my life.

Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.

Divorce is not a sentence, but work on mistakes

We were not and could not be happy together. Nobody is to blame for this. My ex-husband is a wonderful person, decent, smart, attractive, he dances wonderfully. I treat him well and wish him happiness from the bottom of my heart. I absolutely did not want to hurt him, although I understood that a divorce would be a tragedy for him. However, I did not shine next to him and eventually stopped trying.

For me there was only one option - to disperse. Of course, it is a pity invested in the relationship of effort and time. I was worried about my ex-husband, I was worried about how the divorce would affect.

I was not ready to sacrifice myself out of politeness and regrets about the past, because this will not make anyone happy.

If you are walking somewhere for a long time and suddenly realize that you have been going in the wrong direction all this time, you have two options: turn back or deliberately continue walking in the wrong direction.

Divorce is not a disaster, you don't die from it. Divorce is work on mistakes. I admitted my mistake, forgave myself for it, and happily move on with my life.