How to win over a two year old. Healing the inner child or a step towards meeting yourself. Be your own among children

Question to a psychologist

My daughter is 12 years old, she hides everything, I just can’t find a common contact, what should I do to arrange the child??

Find the reason why he does not trust and eliminate.

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Such a "small" question that can be answered for a lifetime.

If the child does not trust YOU, then there is a large share of your participation in this.

You can arrange - trusting the child.

Learn to listen to her.

Learn to understand it.

Learn not to judge her.

And much more to LEARN.

YOU need to learn to BE with your daughter.

Lost - a lot.

But not all is lost.

I can be your assistant in such "study".

G. Idrisov.

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Hello Ulyana! There seems to be something wrong with your relationship with your daughter. A psychologist can help you sort this out. The girl has begun a transitional age and it is very important not to delay the solution of your difficulties. Without knowing either you or your daughter it is not possible to answer your question specifically. Any relationship is individual due to the diversity of interacting people, character traits. How to find an approach to your child, I can not say in absentia. Ready to help you with this. I have extensive experience working with children and parents. Regards, Tatiana.

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Hello Ulyana! If in the process of giving birth to a child up to the age of 5 - 6 years, the mother missed something in education, then this begins to affect in adolescence in a more pronounced form! Trust - distrust covers the first year of a child's life, and oddly enough, it is from this moment that the "laying of the foundation" takes place in relations not only between mother and child, but also in the environment in which the child finds himself - for the rest of his life! How to arrange the daughter now, when she hides everything? Of course, it is better to start with yourself, with self-disclosure of your thoughts and feelings regarding your daughter, that is, to become honest, first of all, with yourself, and then with your daughter, but remaining in your role position - mothers. If it becomes difficult to understand yourself and find the key of understanding and trust in your daughter, then it is better then to contact a psychologist for a face-to-face meeting. All the best. Sincerely, Ludmila K.

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Hello Ulyana!

Usually they hide when they are afraid of being misunderstood and not accepted. If you are very worried about this situation in your relationship with your daughter, it is best to come to personal therapy (you can with your daughter, you can without her). Will be happy to help. Galina.

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http://psycholog.do.am/publ/polezno_znat/parentjam_podrostkov/2-1-0-30

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Hello Ulyana!

Having a child close to you is not the best way, it seems to me, to build a relationship with him. It looks like some sort of manipulation to me. My value is sincere respect and love for the child, recognition of his absolute value and significance, the desire to help and support him. Try to understand if you have these feelings for your daughter. If so, why doesn't she hear it (otherwise you wouldn't have relationship problems). Perhaps you have communication problems. If not, why did this happen? Although, if you don’t have all this in relation to your daughter, then you really, probably, will need manipulative ways to control her. But I'm not your assistant here, manipulation is not my forte. I am for direct, transparent and sincere relations. And if they did not work out for some reason, I suggest you start creating them. Believe me, this is more joyful than manipulation. All the best, Elena.

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Hello Ulyana.

Your daughter is now going through a transitional age. If you have not built contact with her before, then now it is much more difficult to do so. First of all, patience. There are many books on the Internet for parents of teenagers. Your daughter does not understand herself well now, you could arm her with information about herself.

The most useful and important thing, in my opinion, is to be honest with yourself and your daughter, unconditionally love her, she must be significant in your eyes every minute!

All the best to you, Anya.

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Imagine that you are in a situation where you are asked to look after a neighbor's child while your parents are away on urgent business. Or you came to visit, and while the hostess is in the kitchen, your task is to entertain the child. Or maybe your job involves communicating with children - often or not (for example, a teacher or a hairdresser).

How will you establish contact with the child in such situations?

We have prepared a list of practical tips that will help you quickly find a common language with your child. These tips are for those who do not have professional experience working with children. And by the word "children" we mostly mean children of preschool age.

1. Treat your child like an ordinary person, only a small one

Perhaps this is the most important advice that lies at the origin of the rest of the tips from this article.

Please note that those people who are most successful in establishing contact with children (I observed this in the example of educators, doctors, coaches with whom my child contacts) communicate with them calmly, balanced, in a normal tone, explaining difficult things to them. These people from the very beginning perceive the child as a full-fledged person, they only make allowances for the fact that he is still small. And this approach captivates children.

You can take this strategy and stop talking to babies if they aren't babies anymore. Conduct a full-fledged dialogue with them, but not from the position of "adult - adult", but from the position of "child - child". Note that children always easily find a common language with each other, difficulties begin when we grow up. Therefore, "lower" yourself for a while to the level of a child. This means that there is no need to openly doubt if you hear such statements: “Yesterday a huge plane flew into our garden.” Instead, develop a conversation: “Really? Would you like to tell me about it?"

2. Get down to the level of the child's eyes

When we come with a child to a lesson in a kids club, the teacher always leans or crouches to greet or ask something from the child. According to her, this helps her move away from the “adult-child” communication pattern and demonstrate her respect and equality. Judging by how good she is at connecting with kids, that's great advice.

3. Don't directly praise your child.

If at a meeting you want to compliment the child, focus on his clothes or on the object that he holds in his hands. When strangers touch something personal, they risk making the child even more shy.

All that is required at the first meeting is to relieve the tension that arises in a child when in contact with a stranger. For example, you can build a dialog like this:

- Wow, what a beautiful truck you have! He probably carries sand to the construction site.

This will switch your child's gaze to the toy instead of the intimidating face of a stranger. This trick will buy time for your child to get used to your voice.

Or here's another trick that might help. If you see a character from a cartoon that is familiar to both of you on clothes or in the hands of a child, this is a great excuse to start a conversation.

- Wow, is this a fixie? you ask.

- Fixik, - the child answers after a short pause.

- And what is the name of this fixie? - you develop a dialogue.

A subject of common interest is always a good reason to find mutual understanding with both adults and children.

Or another way that our grandfather uses when my friends come to visit with their children. He deliberately includes an error in what he says:

- What beautiful yellow sandals you have, - he addresses the child.

"They're blue," he replies.

- That's right, blue. I lost my glasses and without them I can't see well. Have you seen them?

“They are on your nose,” the child replies with a smile.

After this joke, the children easily get in touch with him.

4. Express your child's emotions on your face

Often you can find situations where people laugh when a child cries, in an attempt to cheer him up. What is really going on? The child cries even louder, falling more into despair, as if saying: "Why does no one understand me?".

The next time you see a child upset, try putting on a sad face and sympathize. In most cases, this helps, and the baby makes contact easier.

5. Talk about his things and toys

If you are at home with a child, take an interest in his toys and books: “Do you like to read? What is your favorite book? Could you show it?".

This trick works great not only with children, but also with adults, because we all love the increased interest in our person.

Or, if you need something to keep the child busy while his parents are away, a great way out is to offer to draw. And if suddenly the child finds this activity too boring, invite him to draw with his eyes closed. And then together guess what he drew.

6. Become your own among children

The best way to get along with children is to give free rein to the child that lives inside of you.

Become your own among the children who surround you. Accept their rules, don't impose your own. Play the games they want to play. Talk to them about things they are interested in hearing about. Read the books they like.

7. A universal way to get along with children in all situations

There is one trick that works almost always and with all children. Surely you have seen how other adults use it, and maybe you yourself used it.

Close your eyes with your hands. Keep them like this for a while. Then slowly spread your fingers and look at the child. A smile will appear on his face. After a few repetitions, laughter and joy will fill the baby.

This list cannot be completed without your participation. If you have something to add, write about it in the comments below.

inner child- this is a part of our psyche, our personality, which expresses the image of our true "I", the potential of the personality, its balance, integrity and vitality, direct self-expression, the ability to find a way out of any situation, acceptance and openness to the world.

A person with a healthy part (Inner Child) behaves at ease, creatively, playfully and joyfully. He knows how to sincerely laugh at himself and what happens to him. He is in harmony with himself and the world around him.

Each of us has an Inner Child. This is a girl or a boy, each inner child has its own age, more often this is the age when the wound occurred, when he began to experience pain. Sometimes it is a whole kindergarten, if there were many traumatic episodes.

All that a child needs is a complete acceptance of him as a person, understanding and satisfaction of his true needs, laying positive images of himself and his future life. If parents provide him with these conditions, the child grows up safely and becomes a happy and successful person, realizing his creative potential.

If your parents' needs were not met when they were children, it will be difficult for them to meet your needs. Well, this is of course ideally, in reality we are all traumatized, some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent.

Parents may make fun of their children, preventing them from expressing their true feelings. They find it difficult to respect their children as individuals. As a result, they lie, beat, threaten, isolate, disbelieve, despise, coerce, humiliate and invade their personal space: “Your hands are in the wrong place! Who needs you like that! It would be better if you didn't! I wish I'd had an abortion like I was going to! I sacrificed everything for you, and you…!”

In the subconscious of such a child, a negative image of himself is formed. And then many renounce themselves even in childhood. We don't want to have anything to do with that scared and stupid kid anymore. This is how self-loathing and self-loathing arise. Contact with the real self, the inner child, is lost, and we stop hearing ourselves.

"Wounded" children grow up and begin an independent life. But they only look like adults. They suffer from countless wounds, not easy to heal, but easy to touch and irritate already in adulthood.

Almost every child makes a “secret oath” to himself that, when he grows up, he will not say to his children those words or do things that were said or done towards him. Unfortunately, as adults, many find themselves breaking this oath, saying or doing to their children exactly what they did to them, and often using the same methods or words. Why is this happening?

In the internal structure of our psyche, there is also an Inner Parent - this is a projection of our real parents, an image. and it may happen that the real parents are no longer in the world. But in the psychic structure of a person, the "Inner Parent" still "nurtures" the Inner Child.

This vicious cycle of cruelty will continue unchecked from generation to generation unless the pattern is changed. To do this, you need to heal your inner child. Therapy and a good specialist can help with this.

And you can groom and cherish your wounds and scars for a very long time. This provides a number of benefits. You can not grow up, not take responsibility for your life "to spite your mother." You can endlessly prove something - and so it seems that the goal in life appears. And a lot of the time, that's exactly what we do.

We constantly remember how unfairly our parents treated us. How we were offended or humiliated. And here I do not justify the parents, this is their responsibility, and our responsibility is to make our life happy (as far as possible) from the “legacy” that we got.

The position of a small offended child can be very advantageous. If not for one but, while we chew our grievances and claims, our life passes. We cannot live life to the fullest. We can't be ourselves. We don't know how to build relationships. We become not the best parents.

You can do nothing in your life and put all the responsibility for it on your parents. After all, it is much easier to do nothing - and the extreme ones have already been found. Yes, our parents gave us less than we needed, and this is already irreplaceable ... Our task is to accept what they gave, and do the rest for ourselves, take care of ourselves.

You can take a piece of paper and write everything that we didn’t get from our parents, what we needed, write as much as is written so as not to forget anything, maybe even a sheet is not enough for you, take another one. After that, at the very top of the piece of paper we write: "I can do this for myself." Reading the list...

Find the lessons that your parents gave, they definitely have a resource for you and your future life, and maybe our Mission ...

Accept your parents for who they are. In some cases, this can really be difficult if a very traumatic experience was experienced in childhood. They are people with their own life experience, character, troubles, with their own strengths and weaknesses. They are human beings, and like everyone else, they are not perfect. They may not have had a happy childhood.

Most likely, parents do not have what we need. And that's why they don't give it. They just don't have it. They themselves did not receive this flow. Nobody liked them as children. But still they gave us a lot. Everything they could. Sometimes it's just life. But after all, this is already a valuable gift and an invaluable lesson.

Stop waiting for them to change. Accept that this will always be the case. Even if it hurts so bad to admit it. Find a source with which to fill the deficit, because the world is abundant. And it has what you need. Moreover, there is a lot of it - and enough for everyone. You need to learn to take care of yourself, see the resource to meet your needs, and allow yourself to assimilate. Sometimes this is a long process requiring the support of a psychologist, psychotherapist.

What do you want most from your parents? Love? Understanding? Support? Look for it where there is a lot of it. After all, who said that we should and can get all this only from our parents? Through our parents we get our lives - and this is already more than valuable.

How to win over your teenage child so that he tells everything!

It takes work to build trust in a teenager. Even parents who are close to their children begin to feel the loss of contact as their little ones mature and become teenagers. How to improve communication?

We publish a useful article that will help you. In it, a mother shares her positive experience of creating a warm and trusting relationship with her daughter.

Once my daughter, a teenager, went to the cinema with her friends. When I called her to coordinate her Uber on her way home, she didn't answer. Finally, after 2 hours, she replied that she was on her way home at that time. Something didn't fit.

I told her that I started to get worried when she didn't answer. The next morning, she came into my bedroom and said, “Mom, I honestly didn't go to the movies yesterday. I was at a party." For "non-advanced" parents, let me explain, "hanging out" is the most common party with "hanging out" youngsters. Original, right?

We live in a more or less calm and quiet suburb of a fairly large and sometimes very turbulent metropolis. I knew that raising children in such a versatile environment meant that they would quickly learn to maneuver. Therefore, I needed to educate them in such a way as to be sure that they are capable of making the right decisions on their own.

And so, since kindergarten, we played a game when I asked her some situation, and then asked her opinion: in her opinion, was this a healthy / safe situation?

Can I have a bunch of candies for dinner?
No, unfortunately it's unhealthy.
Is it possible to cross the road without holding an adult's hand?
- Sometimes, depending on the traffic.

Any situation that went beyond health or safety was brought up by me for discussion and for them to make their own decision.

Is it possible to go to school with uncombed hair?
- Of course, why not, if you think that looking so terrible is in fashion these days!

These are my universal rules for raising children - these rules determine when I should intervene, and when I can lean back in my chair with peace of mind. So when my daughter admitted she lied about the hangout, I returned to our favorite health and safety column. I calmly explained to her: “Daughter, if I don’t know where you are, I won’t be able to save you if necessary.”

I ran through several scenarios: What if at a party you realized that some kind of mess was starting? Or if you suddenly become ill? Because of this lie, you would most likely hesitate to call me and ask for help. Now this is a safety issue.

I didn't interrogate or try to shame her. I told her that I thought she was "very smart and capable", but that sometimes life can give us nuts, and I would like to help her catch and crack them. She agreed that from now on she would always keep me informed of where she was and where she was going.

I told my friend who is also raising a teenager. She wondered why I didn't scold my daughter for lying. But that was not my task. I needed to maintain our confidential communication.

Subconsciously, I felt that strict discipline would give my daughter an excuse to shut me out and lie again next time. I wanted her to learn to make her own decisions and always turn to me when making a decision is difficult.

If we want our children to talk to us about all their experiences (including sex, drugs, and situations where they may feel like a victim), and we hope that our wise advice "reaches" the addressee, we need to work on for communication to be two-way.

1. Let children have their own thoughts and values

Our children are individuals who tend to have different values ​​from ours. It is very difficult for all of us as parents to accept this.

Children's resistance to having their own thoughts and attitudes sometimes leads them to run away from home or attempt suicide. So take my words seriously.

Your child is an individual. Give him the opportunity to express his individuality. After all, a child is not your property and not even you yourself.

2. Be curious

The best thing you can do is show your child that you are interested in who they are. When my children were in kindergarten, I played a game with them: "Vanilla or chocolate ice cream?" / "Holidays on the beach or in the mountains?" / “Angry at me or at daddy?”.

Although it looked like pointless chatter, I learned so much about them. Showing your interest in even the smallest of things will open a portal to a more trusting relationship between you.

3. Take charge of your personal life

Perhaps you are focusing too much on your teen to avoid thinking about your personal life? Carl Jung remarked: “Nothing burdens children more than the unlived life of their parents.”

He also said, "Children learn from who their parents are, not from their stories about who they think they are."

Are you raising a complete person? Or are you trying through your children to realize your unfulfilled dreams? If children sense your impure intentions, they will immediately stop sharing their thoughts with you.

4. Deal with your personal history and trauma

Since then, her daughter stopped talking to her mother about intimate matters. When she told me this in bewilderment, I suggested that she go to a psychologist in order to separate her painful experience from her daughter’s completely healthy and natural intentions.

Share your story and your children's new story. If you can't talk about uncomfortable topics, how do you want your kids to bring them up?

5. Learn to listen

Do you listen as much as you talk? Do you use the "I" concept ("I want to make sure you're safe" instead of "You're ruining your life!")? If your interaction with your teenager threatens to turn into a devastating debate, take a deep breath and ask yourself whether it is better to disagree with your child's thoughts and actions, or whether it is better to listen carefully and try to understand him.

There are no perfect parents. But if you try to guide rather than control, if you have dealt with your own motives and problems, and if you really listen, you have every chance to establish strong, honest and open communication with your children.