How to become a good grandmother for a grandson. Coordinate the upbringing model

In my opinion, grandmother is a completely special person for a child. It is the child who comes to her if he had a conflict with his parents, it was she always heare himself and cautiously would give advice, how to do, it was she who best prepares borsch or bake pieces. Grandma necessarily sends a precious grandchildly for a gift that he most wants, will always find time to tinker with him in a sandbox or read a fairy tale. In general, the grandmother can fill childhood by magic, kindness and hope.

And bringing those families, who exactly has such a grandmother. She does not try to replace the mother and quite satisfied with his own, not the main thing, but a very, very important role. She no need to fight for grandchildren, because she knows perfectly what a huge place takes in their hearts. And she understands that it's too late to educate your adult children - everything that could have already done. Of course, if they ask - it will give advice, if I do not agree with something - first find out all the circumstances.

Perfect grandmother? Why not?! After all, she has experience, wisdom and patience, which so often lacks young parents.

How to love grandson. Instructions for grandmother.

I saw the mother's question in Facebook that the child from the grandmother does not leave, and the grandmother accuses Mom in jealousy. In short, women were confused. I my grandmother myself. Already a little more than three years. And I love my granddaughter Eva very much, and it is ready for her to see a hundred times a week.

Violate the disgrace, play hide and seek, build towers, drop the New Year trees and laugh as it can laugh only. We see more often in Skype, and when I don't come to children for a long time, I will cut me an obsession that the girl can drop from me, to forget, and treat as an alien person. Therefore, an explanatory desire to fly and fill out all its space. BUT!

I understand that my second number. Initially, and always. Number one is mom and dad. Point. It has nothing to do with love - I love her as much as a son, like his wife anechka.

My number two is common sense if I want the children to be happy.

My number two is a way to avoid silly competitiveness for the love of Eve.

My number two is an understanding that the girl came to this world not so that I corrected mistakes in the upbringing of my own child, and made me.

My number two is the adoption of children's approaches in the upbringing of their own child, and not imposing his "invaluable" experience.

Of course, grandmothers are the most experienced mothers. But they should not forget that young mothers and dads this experience will not fall on his head. Ask - I will answer, show, teach. Do they go their own way? Excellent! I'll see, I will ask, learn. Life has changed very much. I was taught to feed the child by the semolina, be sure to serve bread, for two years they do not ride anywhere and laying sleeping, omitting. Eva travels along with her parents and falls asleep, lying in the crib under the quiet lullaby anechka or reading the fairy tale son.

Being number two - does not mean eliminate. This means only the degree of influence of the grandmother on the life of the baby. I am always ready to be there, but not imposing my decisions about the upbringing of the girl, not ecliping the significance of the parents and realizing that they remain the main educators.

In addition, I understand how important it is to agree on what rules I will not break under any circumstances: how to feed the child, how to talk to him, how to wear when you put sleep, for what to punish and encourage. After all, the bulk of the time with the child is carried out by mom and dad. Therefore, you do not need to interfere. And every adult must consciously take everything you discuss.

At the same time, I know that everyone needs to be consistent: if the mother prohibits something, then the grandmother should not be slowly allowed. I always remember the children really appreciate my help. I also understand that it cannot harm: the family should have peace and calm, and the normal relationship between us by everyone.

When I see Eva runs to meet mom or dad and hangs on them, completely forgetting me, I am quietly happy. After all, their love, care, caressing gives her a feeling of security, relieve irrational fears in the future, form adequate self-esteem and self-confidence, encourage creativity, program for success.

It happens, in the family something goes wrong: nervousness between grandmothers and parents, the child inadequately reacts to someone from you, crying when someone out of you ... Sit down and talk. Discuss your approaches. Tell me, what you like, and that you will never take. Agree on the rules of interaction. I do not open America. It's obvious. True, more often people are silent and continue to be removed from each other.

It seems to me to be a real parent - it means:

1. Perfectly know your child.
2. Communicate with a child without an intermediary - everything comes here everything that stands between you and the child: phone, computer, chewing ...
3. Have a taste for life - all events perceive only positively.
4. Often smile to a child.
5. Civilized to communicate with the baby.
6. Be a superman and superpape, superdocitation and super suite, superbabushka and superaded.

Once, maybe 10 years – 12 Back, my son expressed the idea that he wants his future child to bring up.

"I like how you brought me up, I want him to grow up the same."

Most likely, he forgot about it. But I remember very well and distinctly, and still feel warm from such confidence. True, this idea remained unrealized: I am my grandmother, and my number is the second. And the ability to experience paternity and motherhood turned out to be much more fascinating and tempting on the journey on endless expanses of life ...

Our expert - psychologist Julia Erofeev.

Among modern grandmothers there is a special "population" - these are women who have become mothers in the late 80s, the beginning of the dashing 90s, and now many of them have gained grandchildren. They raised their own children without habitual social guarantees, they did a career, having a hard won place under the sun. In its 45-50, they look at all hundred - go to the gym, spa salons, fashionably dress. Strong, successful, they from all his heart want adult children everything is good, and even more so in small, hotly beloved grandchildren. But why is it not always possible?

Always holiday?

For business grandmother, communication with grandson or granddaughter is a holiday of the soul. As for the child: the grandmother does not force there is a porridge or sit on a pot, she appears with a new toy, Fireworks caress, drags into the zoo, does not punish, but everything allows.

But mom and dad often look at grandmother with different eyes. The baby fell, the knee injury, and the grandmother immediately rushed to calm him, issued candy, and Dad believes that the child should learn to cope with trouble, mother categorically prohibits sweets. Or the baby turned on the computer against the taboo of the parents, the grandmother protects his curiosity, and so on. Disagreement in education is a typical conflict occasion. Each party is convinced of his own right. At the same time, the worst lies in the fact that the child is between two lights. How to overcome disagreements?

There is a simple, but very effective way - once to get together with the Spirit, sit down together for the "negotiating table" and develop a "set of rules", where it will be clearly stipulated that it is impossible. And even "penalizing" violators.

By the way, if you go with a well-known share of humor, both parties will quickly find a common language, and everyone will like to act "according to the Charter".

If clouds are condensed

Quarrels between grandmother and young parents can happen and because of too big love for them, her aspirations to help. For example, she let them go on the weekend, remaining in their house, decided to clean up. And on the return - the scandal: "This is our home, as we want, and live, and you even in the closet all personal belongings!". Well, how to explain what is done not because of curiosity, but from good? Once something is wrong, the other, the third - clouds are thickened. In such a situation, one of the most effective methods of overcoming the difficulties that have arisen is still the same - to discuss the problems, collecting all family members.

But how to do it really? On some day of the week at a certain time, assign a general collection. Today, the arbitrator is grandmother, next time - son-in-law or daughter-in-law, then - grandfather, etc. Everyone in turn speaks that it is not satisfied with and what he can do to fix it. At the same time, no one has the right to interrupt him, argue, condemn.

And so that you hear, it is impossible to say "if" (I can do it if you do not bring order in our apartment) and "But" (I agree to it, but provided ...), but use the technique "I-Saying ", Allowing you to realize your feelings and call them a partner or others. This constructively changes not only your own attitude towards the situation, but also the attitude of the interlocutor to her.

On the trail of war

Another reason why quite complicated problems are often arising - the relationship between the parents of the spouses. Most often - between the mother-in-law and mother-in-law. Men tend to keep a neutral position.

The initiator of the conflict often becomes an authoritarian grandmother. Summary "General in Skirt" is a branch, a teacher, a business woman in its own professional life or the wife of the General, accustomed to the help of ingenious moves to build the rules of the game in their own family. And the reason for the disassembly can be any, from "Your daughter does not know how to get out, neither cook" or "Your son does not think that he is the head of the family and must provide it" to small private moments. The essence is not in the reasons, but in how to "destroy" the intense situation.

The root of such conflicts - in the inner dissatisfaction of the grandmother, explains Julia Erofeev. - The reason may be serious troubles at work or intense relationships with your own husband, etc. So, it perceives the world around the world knowingly aggressively.

What can help? The ideal option is to attract authoritative from the side, a person with whom you can confidentially discuss what is happening and think about solving problems. It is his loved ones to tell about the situation and ask to talk with her grandmother. It can be a children's doctor, or a common family friend, or, if a woman goes to church, a priest. It is desirable that this was a man, because there are not so much emotions here, as a mental, but rationally built conversation. The ideal option is the help of a psychologist, but the woman must come to this itself, realizing the need for such an intervention.

And sometimes it is possible to solve everything easier. Invite grandmothers for tea and give each flowers or inexpensive, funny souvenir ... The step towards the young people reconciles and gives rise to mutual understanding, because a woman is primarily needed and love.

And again about money

Business grandmother is often the main miner in the family, it provides the material support of young, especially if children are students. And this is a big mistake. Give money slander their independence, develop infantilism, irresponsibility. Financial support should be reasonable and address. Perfectly, if you have the opportunity to help with the acquisition or rent of an apartment, you can buy a grandson of nutrition and clothing, diapers or pay medical services, but young people should earn their own needs.

There is no limit to perfection

There are no ideal people and grandmothers, naturally, too. But the role of grandmother implies life experience and everyday wisdom, so you should think about how to prevent possible conflicts by changing your own attitude towards what is happening and improving yourself.

There are several rules that should follow:

Do not interfere with the life of young parents, giving them the right to make mistakes independently;

- give them advice only when you are asked about it;

- Feel free to apologize if they got excited or found themselves;

- Learn calmly, but firmly deny young parents if you think that they are waiting and asking from you too much;

- Own fears for children and grandchildren must be left with them;

- Even when "passions glow", learn to talk calmly, so as not to give a reason to go deep into the verbal debris;

- more often praise young, noting even the most modest results;

- Do not tell relatives and friends as you are "not lucky" with a daughter-in-law or son-in-law, - by this you do not change anything, only deeper in the soul beat the negative attitude, to overcome which it will be much more difficult;

- drive from yourself the thoughts that you "have been done so much for them, but thanks no." Patience - and you will certainly wait!

R the delivery of the baby, especially in the family of newlyweds, a serious test for mom and dad. But there are two important person who seriously affect the course of events - these are new grandmothers. Even if one grandmother is actively intruded in the process of education, its help can have dual consequences.

The appearance of newborns Always a joyful event for the whole family. And young parents, of course, need help to get used in the new role with the smallest difficulties. But some adult mothers believe that "children" will not cope. They authoritatively define that both, and often the young mother is trying to transfer the root to the role.

Even worse, if two grandmothers use the appearance of grandchildren as a reason for rivalry among themselves. And then the grandmothers are overly torn by young parents. They fall asleep their gifts, advice, impose their presence. But the initial noble mission is forgotten in this competition - help to their children, helping a young woman in mastering motherhood. Instead, the older generation is trying to play the main roles in the life of the child.

Subconsciously young grandmother is trying to survive his motherhood again. Tactile contact with newborns helps to return itself to an emotional state, already experienced in young years. Communication with a small child gives you the opportunity to feel yourself in the role of a young mother.

But, the birth of a child redistributes roles. The young woman, mastering the mother, is trying to grow from the role of "child." Grandmother, using his life experience, begins to conquer leadership positions. It can be an open "grip of power," it can be a thin game with the use of skillful manipulations.

Grandma loves more! The grandmother child eats better! Grandma knows everything! The grandmother does not hurt a child! - This is how the grandmothers explain their active interference in a young family.

Well, if the child does not suffer in this game. That is, the grandmother is still reasonably approaches health, healthy nutrition and discipline. But if the role of the leader in the upbringing of the child becomes an end of the grandmother, the child suffers, or turns into a moral monster. It all depends on the forms of manifestation of grandmother love and guardianship.

Children are wonderful intuites, they very quickly understand the meaning of opposing adults, and begin to use the situation in their own interests. Already in four or five years, the child can achieve their own with blackmail or flattery. Even worse, if the child begins to speculate on his feelings. "You are bad! Grandma I love more! " "Grandma, if you can't buy me ..., So you do not love me!"

First, the manipulation of the child cause a smile: "It is necessary! Not the weights of the ear! " But the years go, and the child matures. And over time, his "cute" pranks turn into features and character qualities, in his life position. Adults should foresee the consequences of their current actions.

How to become an ideal grandmother?

1. Take yourself as grandmother. It is the grandmothers - mom's mom, who also appeared a child! Remember yourself when you lived the appearance of the baby, what did you feel? What did you need what you were afraid, what did you want? Tell us about this young mother, but explain to her that this is just your experience. He may be useful to her, and maybe it is not useful, because all children are different. It is important to show a young mom you are ready to help her, but at the same time recognize her right to choose and make decisions.
2. In this case, you will not need to impose your opinion. Mommy herself will begin to consult with you.
3. Perfect grandmother - This is the faithful allied of young parents in the upbringing of their child. Sometimes it seems that parents are in the root incorrectly engaged in education. But this is their child! They decided to make him on the light, they are responsible for him, they give him their vision of the world, they should live their own parental experience and, if you do not agree to something, we must look for a compromise with them. It is necessary to discuss disagreements and bring clear arguments.
4. Actions "Contrary to" against the child lead to confrontation of adults. The child is very uncomfortable as the "subject of the dispute", and he suffers in his own way. Or, as stated above, the child is included in the game, but uses the situation for its purposes. He strives to use adults to get their own benefit.
5. Never strive to make decisions instead of parents. The child should know that parents for him are "Higher instance". In no case cannot discuss parents with the child, give them a negative assessment. Especially, it is unacceptable to allow the baby to do what parents forbid, but at the same time say, "the grandmother will allow, but do not tell the parents." Such behavior is unacceptable, because the child gets a visual example of deception and tricks. And if these qualities in the child are enshrined, once and grandma will turn out to be deceived and used.
6. Parents always have no time. They earn money, while they want to live actively, and this is normal. Therefore, they can not always listen to the child. They do not always notice their mistakes and misses. Perfect grandmother can smooth these contradictions. It is important for this to remain in a neutral position. The child can explain the behavior of adults, finding a positive side in it. Parents can be explained that it may be the cause of their disagreements with a child. Grandma has more patience, and more everyday experience. Therefore, the role of an arbitration judge establishing peace in the walls of the house, the best mission, which Grandma can take. Learn to be a diplomat!
7. Initially, put the task in front of you - to become a friend of a native little man. Look at the world with his eyes. Do not try to teach him something, but let him learn. Children are endowed with great strength. They understand little, but they feel a lot. They easily find a right solution with their intuition. Therefore, watching children, you can learn a lot. Detish his interests, and do not impose yours, so you will win more love and trust of a small person.

I hope these advice Help young grandmothers Avoid some errors. Some women take the word grandmother with fear. But the other grandmothers are proud that they are accepted for mothers, and get better - I am a grandmother! Any role can be played so that the surrounding will appreciate your advantages. Being a grandmother is a trustee of a new member of your family - it's cool, believe me! This is another gift prepared by a woman.

In 25 years, people in 50+ do not notice or consider "wreckage of history." In the sense of relationships. If the "ancestor" is your blood, tolerate his advice and the obligation of presence at the bottom of birth. Or do not tolerate.

Send the dear good after the first "put on the head-cold". Dispust your own borders that are written by kilometers of lines. When your own kids suddenly interfere with self-realization, narrow the built borders. You open the gate in the fence for "ancestors", eliminating yourself from many rutin, but the joy of the soul attachment of the child personally to you.

Time Machine Flying Spiral

Twenty years fly not quickly, but very quickly. At the first cosmic speed. Celebrated an anniversary, guests were separated. There is everything: career, business, family with possible signs of well-being, adult children in the struggle are now for their self-realization. Some lucky - there are grandchildren!

At this point, finally, you understand that now you are a fragment of history. How do you like "ancestors", you are also uninteresting for children with the tips "about the cap" and sharing their violation of personal space. You are, they need as a source of financing. Only this is another - it is necessary to honestly in this admit.

The situation with children is difficult to fix. Independence does not occur due to logic. She comes from childhood. And you and son / daughter already in the same age category - adults. There is a chance with grandchildren!

I had exactly this scenario: I was tuned from my mother, my daughter from me ... who didn't have it? Seven years I have been recycling. My experience gives hope.

They say, the story is repeated twice ... Well, you know the continuation.

Gifts - incentive for an hour

To be an interesting wallet or "grandmother buns", of course, it is pleasant. But very briefly. Usually it will quickly develop into duty and must. At that moment, as you can see that the grandson climbs into the bag at first and only then hugs for another toy, it becomes sad. Overburden. A little longer hold the attention of the grandson of snowboard, a new bike, a quadcopter. But the effect is the same. Do not go to the fortuneteller, verified. What to do then? The answer is surprisingly simple. What the grandson's parents do not do - then your field or sea of \u200b\u200bpleasure! Grandson and yourself.

Dress, teach, feed him - great! There with your "hat" do not climb. Run, go skiing, ride a bike with him together? Not? Perfectly! Here and you need to plow. Of course it is not easy. Tea is not a girl. Belly coquetty closes top view on shoes. Skates are dusty on the genes of the garage. Skiing, red rusties "Jvinen", were the subject of pride in the past century. And your skills of the classic stroke cause a smile of compassion of the skaters. But in the pool, I have nothing yet. Floating a long time, how much I remember. From the side, of course, it seems the drift of a big turtle, but the grandson is frightening from delight. Excellent! Down and Out trouble started.

The most difficult does not wear sneakers or swimsuit, but guessed to do it, contrary to the problem that grandfathers do not run. Run, swim, chasing on great and in very large quantities. This is called the "Polyclinic Effect". Do not go there - you think that no one walks, but I went with the flu - the whole city there. So with amateur sports. I could not imagine how widely the movement of amateurs, when we first went to the race of promises on January 1 in Moscow in Luzhniki. The grandson shocked this event. His first medal of the finisher, overcoming the distance of 2017 meters, a long-sided crowd of runners of completely different degree of preparedness and what he "did" in the race! Our common enthusiasm not convey words.

Seven years ago

How did I come to life? This is a separate song of Akyn ... generation of my parents and older with sports were friends only in student years. Then they sought titles, awards and merit to the country. When the country called the USSR disappeared from the political map of the world, the aging of the parents took place on the beds of his beloved cottage. My last training was on the day of the news of the pregnancy. "Crawling a pricing board, I left much of sports," and without entering it truly. I lived differently, not like my mom. But it is only at first glance. Years later, it became clear to me that instead of the beds, with the same zeal and perseverance I cultivate my own business. No fundamental difference. The same implementation of the "food program" only by the hands of employees, and the brains and nerves of their own organism.

One burning question pursued me the last ten years. What I will do if you stop working. The official pension is already in your pocket, too imperceptible to become a transience. I was not worried about the financial question, but in demand. Who will I need? And for what? What is a loan avalanche free time? For the answer, I went to the festival in Montenegro, promised to teach "how to swim in the revolution."

I asked the question of the universe, I received an answer at the festival. Ironman. The English word then I have not yet been known. The answer came in the face of a miniature attractive woman of my age. Lyudmila Voronova, an eight-round Ironman. Twenty marathons behind the shoulders, including world famous. Her regalias fit on the wall, with an area of \u200b\u200b25 sq.m. But the main thing - she is a mother of two daughters and grandmother of three grandchildren. Grandmothers run and how!

Ten days later, at the closure of the festival, I, together with her and another dozen desperate grandparents finished in her first mini-triathlon! It would be better if I died yesterday ... how hard to celebrate the thirty-year-old easy in sports. But hugs on the finish with my grandson and his complaints, asking: "Take me with you the next time, pozh-a-a-luista!" still sounds in the ears.

I have nowhere to go, from now on every week I put on sneakers or take a swimsuit and a towel. We go to prepare for the next start. The first triathlon grandson will be June 4, 2017. My - the second.

We often even in the evenings with Him YouTube's videos about Ironman competitions and other incomprehensible sophisticated views of themselves. We dream together to go to the start. He is before the opportunity to participate for another 11 years. Children's entry is prohibited. And what will happen to my Conditions after 11 years, in my 74 years, I'm afraid to make it up. He trains 5 times a week in the Hockey Section 4th season. And then suddenly he asked him to go on swimming. We will correct the technique of our "Sochi Brass".

A couple of years ago, I ran after him, holding it in a bike saddle, so as not to fall. And in the past summer from May to November together we drove 1,300 km on a bike on the globe of the Moscow region. On crossling distances, he overtakes me, and on skis until I am. This is still a technical sport, and the skill, as they say, do not suede. Soon I will lead it to the triathlon! God will give, someday he is me - in Ironman.

In the meantime, we do not miss any start, where there is an opportunity to perform both. Epiphany race on the embankments of Moscow, the promises will race, the skiing of Russia, club skiing, week-auntary start Parkrun. My life experience is grabs to participate. His Silenok is two to reach us. How to bring a friend? I can't afford to get away from the distance, and he does not think about it. Our main achievement is a new lifestyle.

Most recently, I learned about a very famous swim through the Bosphorus. Overlooked water in the strait - not for children. And I realized that I was not interested in one. Not afraid, but not interesting. What for? I'm not a cool bat. I wonder to swim with the grandson. And then my daughter was completely unexpectedly decided to participate. The most fabulous, we managed to grab through the Internet slots on the swim! What can not be! Total 300 places for the whole of Russia, 1900 for the whole world. And we smiled good luck - two slots! We sent all the necessary documents. We are waiting for invitations to start! The grandson, of course, will go and will wait for us on the finish.

I think this is how now you have to live. I hope that we are broken by a well-minded tradition. Refrigerated boundaries will protect us only from external aggressive, not apart from each other. We must invest in what you can not buy for money. I believe that the children will still like us as if we were either brought up. And grandchildren and suppressed. So let's start with myself!

My new business - I myself!

In the upbringing of the child, the father and mother and the mother, whom all the laurels are discharged. They are in the first place, and the grandmother, unfortunately, is often discharged in undeservedly second place.

When mom, and dad work in the family, they are physically difficult to raise the child to fully take care of its development and domestic needs.

They do not have enough time to engage with him, then there is hope for a grandmother, of course, if it is not possible to give the child to a kindergarten or hire a nanny.

A modern grandmother is not like a dilapidated old woman, and she does not feel like that. Grandmothers in our time are sometimes at a completely "young" age: 37-40 years.

To become a grandmother, which will dream not only grandchildren, but also their parents (your children), you must adhere to simple rules that we sometimes forget.

Do not bend stick

When grandchildren spend more time with you, and parents because of work are forced to communicate with children raids, do not demonstrate their skills, and also to throw out that you know the grandchildren better.

Remarks like: "You dressed it coldly", "Do not excite him before bedtime" and "You're incorrectly feeding a child" some hear from grandmothers over the years. In such cases, the already breeded from the working days, filled with stress, parents and I want to explode and express everything they think about you. It is clear that any elderly man because of his age and experience can give odds in the educational process with young, and permanent contact with grandchildren gives its fruits. You have excellent relationships with grandchildren, you know their "with losses", all their needs and desires. We are all people, so it is clear that it is difficult for you sharply when parents appear to the side. But the smart grandmothers wisely and tactfully inferior the role of the teacher to real parents.

Help the needs

To climb with their help constantly, to help assist, "there is also nothing good in this, because excessive help is annoying. Think what kind of help your children and grandchildren need. With emerging conflicts, it is better to calmly listen to each other. Perhaps it will be enough for your help to support the child to various sections, and the rest of the education functions of your grandchildren quite on their parents.

Coordinate the upbringing model

If parents decided to stick to rigor, do not pamper a grandson. Yes, we do not argue, sometimes I want to fulfill the whim of your favorite "Bloodyniki", but disagreements with the opinion of the parents can harm the child. For example, his dad and mom is forbidden to eat a lot of sweet, and you, on the contrary, try to treat a delicious cake or candy. In such a situation, the grandson, of course, will love you in naivety more, considering the parents with "fuses and chubs".

Develop a child

Very often, all because of the same mad rhythm of life, our children (grandson's parents) simply physically can not afford such a luxury as all sorts of children's sections and mugs. Show the initiative by taking on the delivery of a child to sections and circles. Perhaps you yourself will even like it. For example, one grandmother who went with the grandson to dancing, soon. The grandmother with grandson appeared a sea of \u200b\u200bnew general topics - from discussing the right execution of the next element of dance, to thinking of concert costumes.

It's not difficult to become a good grandmother, guided by common sense and an important rule - you are a grandmother, not a mother, so all the functions associated with the child cannot be taken over. This, at a minimum, unfairly in relation to your children who, too, would like to enjoy communicating with their children in the free minute.