Long-term relationship with a married man, advice from a psychologist. Why can't you build strong and lasting relationships? Why this relationship is a married lady
Love, like many other feelings, has an expiration date. Unfortunately, few are lucky enough to experience love to the grave. It seems that everything is calm and good in life, but one morning, when you wake up, you clearly understand that there is a stranger next to you, that the relationship has reached a dead end - you need to leave, but you do not leave and torment both yourself and him. Why?
One of the common pretexts is habit. You are accustomed to this person, you know what to expect from him, how to live with him and conduct a dialogue. But you can't build a relationship on the ashes of past feelings. Don't look back - look to the future.
Women are afraid to go into the unknown, to a new man. There, beyond the border, it is not clear how the relationship will begin to develop, there will be ups and downs, and here it may be lousy, but everything is clear beforehand.
The largest female fear- fear of loneliness. This applies to women of any age. Surprisingly, many of the fairer sex cling to a man as a last hope, even if, apart from abuse and mutual claims, nothing else binds them. Such a relationship should certainly end and quickly.
You need to learn to love yourself, part with unnecessary things and people, to raise their self-esteem to the proper level.
Desire to be the center of attention. All complexes originate from childhood. The girl, once disliked by her parents, compensates for the previous lack of care with the current hopeless relationship, giving the man unfounded hopes for the continuation of the novel. Such girls need to be loved and adored by absolutely all familiar and unfamiliar men.
Leave and not return
You need to clearly realize and decide for yourself that you do not want to continue and further development relationships. There is only one way out - to complete the novel completely without any reservations.
If you cannot figure out yourself, internal torment on your own, contact a psychologist, at whose reception you can tell the reasons for your worries. And he, in turn, will help you sort out your feelings.
Keep a personal diary in which you can record all incoming emotions, feelings, thoughts. After rereading the records with a fresh mind, you will probably understand what exactly you want.
Having decided on such important step, think about your partner too. Such things cannot be said at once. Prepare for the conversation. Please select neutral territory- some small restaurant or cafe, a crowded place where you cannot give free rein to your senses.
Try to explain to the chosen one as accurately as possible, calmly, without raising your voice, why your relationship is at an impasse and you do not want to continue. Put a point: develop all doubts so that in the future the person does not bother you with calls and messages, feeding groundless hopes.
Of course, after a breakup it is impossible to remain friends, but try not to bring the relationship to a sworn enmity.
In order not to break loose and not try to return everything, take what appears free time something useful: sports, yoga, cooking or sewing courses, learning foreign languages. Soon, sick emotions will recede, and you will begin to live a measured life.
There are situations in life when, for some reason, you need to finish relationship... Of course, most of these situations are associated with the need to break off close, intimate relationship with the person you are addicted to. In this case, you must understand that it depends only on you whether you can do it. Psychologists offer techniques that can make this difficult step easier for you.
Instructions
First of all, analyze the current situation, and if inevitable, tune in decisively to interrupt relationship... Free yourself from any desire, think about what you are afraid of and what fears are holding you back. Start fighting to overcome them. Try to separate your personality from the personality of the person you depend on. Raise your self-esteem and learn to live without the object of your affection.
Start writing a diary of your relationship, describe your thoughts and feelings, record your relationship, analyze them. By rereading it, you will understand, they are actually guiding you, identify behavioral patterns and emotional reactions to repetitive situations. Start giving to yourself from the position of a wise, experienced person, tune yourself in the fact that you have already grown and become a strong person who can live.
During this difficult period, you most of all need the support of friends. Maybe it makes sense to trust several people, because you will relive your situation again and again, talking about it, and it will be difficult for one person to listen to it all. Plus, you have the chance to listen to multiple points of view. It will be easier for you if you see people around you who are not indifferent to your life.
Ask a question to a psychologist
- Infant's ideas about the world, people, life are simplified and flattened. And if the Personality lives in real world, then the Infant - in the illusory due to distorted or old-fashioned internal attitudes.
- The personality sees life as complex and multidimensional. The Infante presents her as a kind of kinder surprise, for example: "Love is a miracle and it will come by itself, if necessary!" You just need to understand which side to unfold, and then you will find solid chocolate and a nice little present inside.
- A person learns from his own and others' mistakes. The Infante, stepping on the same rake, is surprised every time.
- The personality is trying to comprehend the laws of life. The Infante craves recipes, tips and diagrams.
- The person wants to understand what is happiness for her. The Infante is guided by the "so is it" principle.
- Over the years, the personality becomes deeper, more interesting, smarter. The Infante does not change.
- The personality creates its own life. The Infante can only imitate. Therefore, all the Infants are stuffed to the eyeballs with stamps. On different cases life: from simple - what to wear to serious - what to think, how to live.
- The personality changes itself. The Infante seeks to change others or accuses him of being misunderstood.
What is presented to you above is a personal structure, when a person lacks one or two structural abilities, then the relationship will correspond to this or that "breakdown" and will contain conflicts if not suffering. These "breakdowns" come from childhood again. Do you understand this? And if not, then we will give you a broader concept of structural disorganization, which does not allow you to build successful and happy relationship... This is personal infantilism.
Clinical psychologist services
An Infant is an adult person according to his passport, but with childish values and attitudes that were once adopted from their parents many years ago and certainly cannot provide a real, or at least close to reality, perception of oneself and others. Personal infantilism is also terrible in that it does not allow a person to grow to a Personality.
About love in a relationship and why there is none.
The fact is that the concept of love in people with personal infantilism is close to the understanding of love as something elusive "love is or is not", "love is a miracle." Therefore, many women want a man to be easy, warm, fun and pleasant with him. To provide, take care and protect. So that he was smart, handsome, spiritually delicate, generous, with a sense of humor and, of course, rich ... And for this she promises to devote best years, to give affection, love and stimulate to even greater achievements. But all this is a very, very illusory notion of relationships!
Psychologist services - reviews
No and never was perfect relationship, even if there were, then they also contained grievances, quarrels, not satisfied needs and injustice. But such a concept of the relationship between a man and a woman can only indicate a hobby. Where feelings are like a sparkler that quickly flares up, burns brightly and just as quickly goes out. Looking at the charred stick, the Infante decides that he was again unlucky. Perhaps that is why the infants cannot be with anyone for a long time. serious relationship... They blame it on the difference in tastes, temperaments, on circumstances ... But the point is quite different.
When the concept of responsibility remains only a concept.
People usually argue about how people are attracted: opposites are attracted or like is attracted to like. In fact, both. But if you go deeper, then the unhappy person (even if he pretends to be happy) attracts the same unfortunate person to himself, and here the infantile personality attracts the infantile one. Because none of them can hide the inner truth and values, simply because they are. And if so, all the signs infantile personality do not form the ability to be responsible for relationships at all. Either he or she is to blame!
Professional psychologist services
For example: a girl who is convinced that she is a gift that can decorate the life of any man, in fact, you need to find someone who can sit on his neck. Who would have kept her, protected her, never ceasing to understand ... And why should a man with an infantile personal organization need this burden? Life in our time is not a problem; from a practical point of view, a woman is not needed in the household. And the young ladies around a dime a dozen. You can have a great time together - while he is comfortable with this young lady. And while she does not get him with marriage. Now imagine that such people began to live together: living together will be based on the principles of who "manipulates whom". Add here immature emotionality and, as a result, coldness and indifference to other people's problems, pain and joy. "Chained by one chain", they live together and at the same time do not see, do not understand, do not respect each other. However, they are considered a normal family. There are so many such marriages and just not
And now, unfortunately, we will upset all those girls who have setbacks in their personal lives. There are real men, but tell me, why does a living person need a “robot” programmed with old attitudes or, in general, other people's attitudes? Is this food for thought for you?
Once again about love ...
In fact, most people need a partner to cohabitation... There is nothing wrong. So 100 years ago, both nobles and peasants got married. But in order to marry in this way, one needs sobriety of thought and elementary honesty, which the Infant is not capable of. I remember how completely simple woman described her marriage to me: “My husband respects me - I'm an economic one. And I respect him - he rarely drinks, his hands are golden, and what will never talk to me, so I'll go to my neighbor. " Cynically? No, honestly, this is probably how most marriages are made. However, the most frequently mentioned word in letters is "love." And everyone is waiting for love! Ready for it! They just haven't had any luck yet ...
Psychologist list of services
But there is love, but it is not for the Infants. This is an adult feeling. You cannot buy it, you cannot get it by pull, you cannot steal it, you cannot take it away, you cannot beg. One can only mature before him. Grow up! And there is one proven remedy, which is never mentioned in glamorous literature, so as not to frighten the reader: only pain can make a person change, start personal growth or at least . So, the pain of your own stupidity makes you grow wiser, the pain of your coldness makes you warm. The Infante, like the devil of incense, is afraid of suffering.
But if you want to stay in what is, then the relationship will still be the same. Or work, change and improve, invest in yourself and it will not be free!
Many men easily get to know girls and have fleeting romances. Relationships often start out interesting, promising and promising. But gradually everything fades away. At one point, someone breaks off the relationship. More often the girl does it. Long-term relationships are not a man's strong point. It pisses me off.
This is a common story. Many men don't have long-term relationships. Especially at former pick-up artists... Then the man begins to get to know each other more, to master the pickup technique and the rules for hiring women. But that won't help either. His life becomes a staging post for women, and all the girls disappear in search of a new fairy-tale prince.
The man begins to think that something is wrong with him. That he is unlucky or not a promising option. But it's not that. It's about the approach to women and relationships. What is the peculiarity of building a long-term relationship with a woman?
How to build a lasting relationship with a woman?
Love is different. It can be unexpected, violent and stormy. It is short term love and relationship. The other kind of love does not look like madness and flight from all coils. It is a calmer earthly feeling, but deeper.
Many men act like pick-up artists: they immediately give their best, show off, evoke emotions and passion. They actively use tricks and cunning methods. But the pick-up artists only show the gold side of the coin. In life, they are not so cool macho. Having received a short-term peak of emotions in women, men gradually give up. The dust settles and women see that the man is not at all who he claims to be. Women need emotions, and the man is already worn out. He cannot maintain the same pace of passion and the intensity of the relationship. The woman realizes that she was mistaken and leaves. It was also lucky if the man had time to enjoy her body. But often women simply leave without lowering the straps of their clothes or lifting the hem of their dresses. (see How to undress a girl before sex)
It is necessary to act differently in order to fall in love with a girl for the rest of her life. The greatest English poet William Shakespeare, in the tragedy "Romeo and Juliet", described Right way long and deep love:
Tempestuous feelings have a frantic end
It coincides with their alleged victory.
Gunpowder and fire are merged by the gap,
So sweet is honey that finally
And disgusting:
Excessive taste discourages taste.
Be neither a wasteful nor a curmudgeon:
Only in a sense of proportion is the true good.
Long-term relationships and needs
Passion is the first stage of love and it's too risky to build a relationship on it. Passion and love need to be complemented by the satisfaction of a woman's other needs. True long-term relationships and love are all about fulfilling a certain list of a woman's needs.
Need for love. Loving and being loved is a must-have in a relationship.
Need for emotion. Exciting dates, tension, passion, a little jealousy, emotional ups and downs.
The need for care. Phone calls, sms, dating, getting around, taking care of the physical and moral world of the girl.
The need for appraisal. Compliments are very important to women. They raise self-esteem and do not allow a woman to emotionally “tarnish”. Girls love to be praised.
The need for protection. The feeling of a strong male shoulder, gifts, material stability, protection from the aggressiveness of the outside world.
The need for a common path. The similarity of life values, goals and plans brings together.
Need for sex. Women want sex and complete satisfaction in bed. It is not easier to “work” on this need, but it is the most pleasant of all.
Long-term relationships with women
Someone might think that this is more like calculation and has nothing to do with love. But this is not the case. Relationships and love, built only on emotions, usually fall apart at the very short term.
Love is not only about kisses and sighs on the bench. Because of not satisfying ordinary needs, because of conflicts and different life goals, any, even the strongest, love will collapse.
To hell with fleeting romances. Do not rush and storm a woman. The woman is a medieval castle. A thorough siege is needed here. Gradual and slow steps are much more effective. Only long calm courtship, a candy-chocolate period and a slow conquest can conquer a woman for a long time. Maybe even forever. (see How to make a girl fall in love with you)
Don't be in a hurry to sleep with a girl. Enjoy the moment of conquest, her surrender, the colors of emotions. You will definitely get there and “rest” on her “bikini zone”.
Actor Sergei Bodrov said: “We all hope for beautiful end this ugly life ... "Play beautifully and thoroughly in love. You will definitely get lucky.
Photo: Michael Benatar flickr.com/benatar
What prevents a woman from creating a long-term relationship with a man, getting married and building happy family? There can be many reasons. But what is the main reason, or at least one of the most important? What is the most common cause?
This reason is, oddly enough, the woman's initiative when meeting men and in further relationships with them.
This behavior strategy only seems to be correct and effective. However, in fact, it only works at the very beginning of a relationship and, in fact, destroys these very relationships in the bud. (The point is that a woman wants a long-term relationship and marriage). If you get used to the initiative, then it is rather difficult to abandon it, because the woman has already become convinced that it “works” and the theoretical reasoning that in the long term the initiative only worsens is very difficult to work.
For example, overeating, smoking, and alcohol. Many people understand that overeating, smoking and alcohol are very unhealthy. But the positive effect (pleasure) comes now, and the harm is somewhere out there, after many years.
Therefore, the purpose of my article is, first of all, to warn women against taking initiative in relationships with men. After all, the initiative lays a crack in the relationship, through which later these relationships will surely collapse. (It is not necessary even in the literal sense of the word, a divorce).
What is this initiative and why is it bad for relationships with men? I will formulate the law male thinking, and then I will decipher it a little. The most modest, the most lacking in initiative, the most shy and insecure in life, a man wants to conquer his woman himself, and not be conquered by her.
This law, of course, was not invented by me. It was invented by nature for all mammals and then extended to humans. This law says that a woman must somehow show that she needs a man (sometimes this is not necessary), and already a man, if interested, he must go to the conquest of a woman. Conquest shouldn't be too easy. There must be some kind of small competition between males or some kind of running after the female, dancing in front of her, etc.
And not the other way around. The female in more or less close to us animals never runs after the male, unless nature itself has something in the genes.
What happens if a woman herself begins to take the initiative? For example, she herself meets a man, calls him herself, forces the relationship herself and runs to the male herself?
Let's go back to instincts, which control our life by 70-80 percent. If a male (male) ran after a female, fought with other males for her (in our time, more often in a figurative sense, with money, confidence, success, etc.), then he felt himself a winner, he did a great job filled with meaning and gets long-term satisfaction from it, sometimes for decades. Some men (Don Juans) even get stuck in this state.
If the male (male) does not need to run after the female, does not need to compete with any of the other males, does not need to overcome his fear, shyness, etc., and the female herself runs to him, then what will happen?
Some of the males from such unexpected behavior just scatter. After all, he came to conquer, to hunt, and not to be hunted for him. But some considerable part will be insanely happy.
Yes, there is something to be happy about. This is such a "freebie", the man will think. (I repeat that these are not necessarily thoughts in the mind). You don't need to run after anyone, you don't need to fight with anyone, you don't need to overcome fear of women, try to do something, try to become better. Nothing of this is needed, everything jumps into your hands by itself. This is probably something like receiving a large and completely undeserved bonus at work.
However, a small "but" arises here. After all, a man has inherent innate instincts (for example, success) that must be fulfilled. If they are not fulfilled, then some kind of emptiness arises inside, which cannot be filled with any comfort, no family happiness and no amount of money. One of these strong instincts is to achieve a woman yourself.
If instinct, mission, karma, or whatever you call it, are not fulfilled, then there are several options, but they are all reasonably good for a woman. The most common way to start a relationship is that a man, after several weeks (less often months) of sex with a woman, begins to look for another woman for himself. If a family has already been created, which is not so easy for enterprising women, then sometimes a man begins to commit adultery, drink, etc.
Therefore, taking the initiative in relationships with men is a rather gross mistake. At first, a woman may feel that the problem is being removed. There are more men, men are getting better (richer, more beautiful, more confident). But then a problem arises. None of these men can be brought to marriage. And it would be okay to have such a man alone. But if such one relationship, then the second and tenth, then it is very possible that this is the case.
Sometimes it happens that a woman does get married, but then if the initiative behavior continues, then a second marriage follows, a third, or even one, then not very happy, to put it mildly.
For example, at one point a woman, who has become in the habit of getting to know men herself and taking further initiative in relationships, read somewhere about the dangers of initiative in relationships with men. What's happening?
As you probably already guessed, the number of men can be reduced to zero. After all, initiative, good or bad, worked in a relationship. If you remove it, and do not put anything in its place, then the output will be zero. And yet there is nothing to deliver. After all, there are no other methods of meeting men in a woman's arsenal. Their development takes some time and effort. At the beginning, as with any other skill, it will turn out badly. Therefore, there is always a risk to return to "proven" methods of communication with men, including the manifestation of initiative.
To conclude my review of the initiative, I will answer a fairly frequent question that goes something like this: “I do not show initiative when communicating with a man, but he does not show it either. Goes around the bush. I see that a man likes me, but he just can't ask for a date (continue the relationship, etc.). "
First, women are often mistaken in thinking that a man's passivity is caused by his shyness.
It is quite rare that the reason for the passivity of a man is precisely in shyness. This is possible if a man likes a woman he does not know on the street or somewhere in a store. But if a man knows a woman and at least occasionally communicates with her, then this is unlikely.
There can be a lot of reasons and it can be difficult to guess them in absentia. Maybe a man has a girlfriend, maybe he has no money and nowhere to lead the girl, maybe the girl is too critical, initiative, does not know how to listen, does not like the man enough, and there may still be quite a few reasons. Uncertainty in the list of reasons is one of the very last places. That is, if a woman thinks that a man likes her, but he does nothing, then this does not mean at all that he does nothing out of embarrassment. Most likely the reason is different.
If the reason is different, and this happens very often, then the initiative on the part of the woman is doubly harmful.
Secondly, some women are difficult for a man to approach, and some are easy. Some are easy to ask out and some are difficult.
The same man, with the same degree of confidence / shyness, easily approaches and builds relationships with one woman and with great difficulty approaches (if at all approaches) another woman, while he cannot establish minimal contact with her.
In order for a man to come up, it is not even necessary for a woman to flirt with him, to be friendly, and even more so to show initiative in one way or another. Such examples when a woman is absolutely indifferent to a specific man, and he runs after her, the sea.
The reason that a man can achieve a woman who does not pay attention to him is the ability to behave femininely.
Femininity in behavior is too broad a topic that I tried to cover in the book How to Fall in Love with a Man for Life and Marry Successfully, I recommend reading. But if applied to the topic of our article, then a man should feel at least for a while and in some area stronger than women... If he feels this, then he can seek a woman despite the possibility of refusal, lack of coquetry, or even repeated refusal. After all, it is not at all so scary to receive a rejection from a person whom you perceive as weaker than yourself, is it? And it is very scary to receive a rejection from a person whom you consider stronger than yourself, more influential, etc.
Therefore, if a woman knows or learns to behave femininely, which in the context of the question means weaker than a man in some matters, then a man simply cannot remain the same as he was. If he really likes a woman, then he will definitely take the initiative. He simply has no choice, such a law of human life.
I will bring the situation to the point of absurdity. Let's say there is a man who has absolutely no leadership qualities... In the company of men or women of his own age, he never becomes a leader. And now, due to circumstances, he remains among several 3-year-old children. Quite a little time will pass and he will almost inevitably become the "leader" among them. Why? Is it this man got stronger? Of course not. The environment became weaker.
I, of course, do not propose to go to the point of absurdity and sink you to the state of a 3-year-old child. I have not even argued that men love weak women. Men love women who are a little weaker than him (seem weaker) and, most importantly, do not claim his mythical leadership. Accordingly, sometimes in a relationship with a man, becoming a little weaker, or at least being able to seem, is very useful.
And then where does the initiative come from men, I myself am surprised. (Unless, of course, for a woman this is not a one-time behavior against the background of 10 years of initiative).
In total, the initiative of a woman in a relationship with a man is a very gross mistake. The main danger this error is that it is completely invisible. At first, it even seems that it is useful and men are getting more and they are better. This is absolutely not the case. The initiative will spoil any potential good relationship... The woman's initiative spoils the men themselves. Learn to behave in such a way that the man takes the initiative and your relationship with him will be an order of magnitude better, especially in the long term.
Best regards, Rashid Kirranov.