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Family crisis after the birth of the baby. How to keep the family together after the birth of the first child? How to keep your family together after the birth of your baby tips

Everyone probably remembers that every man should raise a son, build a house and plant a tree. Pay attention - the son comes first, that is, there is nothing more important than the child. A woman, however, was always considered, first of all, as a mother and keeper of the hearth, and only then were the other tasks discussed. Does this surprise you?

In fact, we are talking about the implementation of one of the main human instincts - the procreation instinct, and it is impossible to resist this instinct. However, the question arises why it happens that in a family that has always seemed prosperous and happy, problems begin with the appearance of a child. And not the problems associated with the upbringing of the baby, but the problems associated with the relationship between a man and a woman.

Is the appearance of a child in the family capable of entailing troubles, strife, quarrels, which sometimes can even end in the collapse of the family? And is the crumb to blame for this, which will take a long time to learn to stand? The baby appeared - that's great, but where does love and understanding go?

About love…

Where did love go after the birth of a child?

First, we need to figure out what exactly changed with the birth of a baby and why it seems to someone that love has disappeared. Secondly, if something has really changed, is the new person who has appeared in this world to blame for this? Thirdly, it is very important to understand what exactly people consider love and whether the feeling that disappeared was really love.

There are a great many definitions of love; poets, philosophers, sociologists, and even biochemists spoke about love. But all the same, each couple and each person has their own love and it never repeats itself, just as the inner world does not repeat itself. However, there is something that unites all varieties of such different feelings. But what is it and what makes it possible to consider a certain feeling as love?

Unfortunately, love is often called anything, from admiration to the usual material calculation. But the trouble is that the object of admiration may change over time, that the calculation may turn out to be wrong, that yesterday a suitable partner, in relation to whom the word "love" was used, today may look completely different and lose its attractiveness (either whether he became impoverished). And if the family was created on the basis of love-admiration or love-mathematics, then is it any wonder that she was gone?

Why it happens? Because admiring a holiday person, or a magician, or an encyclopedia person is much easier and easier than loving (this time really loving) a person who sleeps little, who is constantly torn between a child and the need to do something around the house or at work, who does not always have time to notice something or react to something, if this is something that does not apply to the baby ...

Add to this the fact that even the healthiest and most prosperous baby sometimes gets sick, the baby's tummy often swells, then his teeth are teething ... And when they talked about eternal and all-conquering love, was this taken into account?

In fact, love is not only a beautiful picture and an interesting adventure, it is not only sunrises and sunsets, poems and songs, parties and trips to the warmest regions, as well as to any others, but it is the ability to understand, the ability to listen, the ability give up some of your preferences, the ability to adapt to someone else, the willingness to forgive, the constant willingness to come to the rescue, help out, replace, save, and sometimes the willingness to sacrifice oneself ...

And if they say that love disappeared in the family after the birth of a child, then I immediately want to ask what exactly was considered love in this family ... Surely in such a family no one was ever going to help anyone and lend a shoulder, was not going to help out or understand , especially if it somehow contradicts personal interests ...

However, there are many cases when love was really not a simple hobby and not an arithmetic action, when in fact there was mutual respect and understanding, when the baby was desired and expected, but love disappeared ...

Does love disappear?

If love really was, then with the birth of a child it could not go anywhere, just those feelings that used to be given to one loved one today are already divided into two, and, mind you, in different proportions, since one loved one is so tiny that it requires constant and vigilant attention.

And it’s a pity if another loved one (at the same time a completely adult person) is offended by the fact that they spend less time with him or they have stopped preparing tender soufflés, homemade ice cream, or they don’t bring coffee to bed. As a result, it turns out that it is not love that is divided in different proportions, but time and attention ... And love - it either exists or does not exist, and it is impossible to divide love into parts.

Probably, this may seem like an exaggeration, but every newly-made young dad should understand well that his wife has just given birth to a child, and it is well known that even the most successful pregnancy and the easiest childbirth is a huge stress for the female body.

And if we consider that both pregnancy and childbirth in many modern women do not always fit into an ideal scheme, it becomes completely clear that a young mother should come to her senses at least a little. We immediately understand that the baby and caring for him is the most important thing, and it becomes quite clear that it is the young dad who must temporarily sacrifice some of his interests and offer his help.

Should a woman who has just returned from a maternity hospital reassure her husband of immortal love? And what will such assurances give to the spouse?

Are hormones to blame?

It is very important that young parents do not forget that in the life of a young woman who has just become a mother, the role of hormonal changes is very important, which also occurred during the period of gestation and occur during lactation (breastfeeding). But the hormonal background is very important not only for successful pregnancy and childbirth, but also for maintaining a normal emotional state and good mood.

In fact, if love really existed, then it has not disappeared anywhere, but the couple in love has simply ceased to be a duet, but turned into a trio, and now it takes a little more effort to take into account the interests of not only the second, but also the third member of the team as fully as possible ...

Moreover, this third one cannot really say anything yet, but he is terribly restless and requires constant attention. But if we are talking about true love, then it is not regulated or limited, so there is enough true love for everyone. The most important thing is to understand each other, help, support, take care of each other and appreciate every moment when you are around.

In addition, hormonal surges are not only a woman's prerogative, and not a one-time event. The woman decided to give birth to a child? Is the woman breastfeeding her baby? Is a woman crossing the threshold of the age of elegance? Each time it will be associated with hormonal changes, surges, changes ... So, every time love will leave the whole family?

By the way, hormonal surges in the male body are also not uncommon, although the reasons, of course, differ from female hormonal surges. Age-related changes, stressful situations, bad habits, which everyone calls to fight, but which for some reason are almost invincible, an incorrect (from any point of view) lifestyle - that's the reason for hormonal surges in the male body.

As for children, it only seems that it is easy to be a child, but in fact any child has so many problems that no adult can even come close to cope. And about hormonal surges, you can remember at least your adolescent age with its emotions, acne, maximalism, desire for self-affirmation ...

What is all this for? And to the fact that hormonal cataclysms and changes occur in everyone, therefore, it is most correct if people who love each other simply try to understand a loved one and help him get through this difficult moment. With regard to recent childbirth and the instability of the nervous system of a young mother, this means that both the newly-made dad and the rest of the adult family members can, if possible, help: sit with the child, clean the apartment, bring food, wash and iron children's things (good, diapers now disposable) and even let young parents go to the theater or on a visit.

In addition, one should not forget that a nursing mother, first of all, remains a woman, so it will be very useful to please her with a flower, a beautiful hairpin, a new cup, if there are no opportunities for a fur coat or jewelry yet. But it is not a gift that is dear, but attention! Therefore, give your loved ones attention, care, joy, confidence in the future - and all this will return to you many times.

How to deal with fatigue?

Very often, young mothers complain of fatigue, and we are talking about chronic fatigue, which, it seems, will never end and will never go anywhere. This is fatigue, when you want to sleep every second, when it’s not your arms or legs that hurt, but every cell of your whole body, when you don’t have enough strength for anything at all, what can we say about emotions or feelings ...

What can you say here? This is where love and a loving person is needed, who will take on part of the supposedly "female" responsibilities. As you wish, but a young mother should not run around like a squirrel in a wheel all twenty-five hours a day at least eight days a week.

Of course, taking care of the baby should fall not only on the mother, but also on the father, and you should not refuse the benevolent help of friends and relatives. And all the adults who surround the young mother should understand how difficult it is for her, and, if possible, leave the young woman time to rest (at least get enough sleep a couple of times a week).

What to do with resentment?

Young mother was not helped to clean up? Was the young dad left without a homemade cake? Did you talk to your newly-made grandmother on the phone for “only” half an hour? As a result, everyone was offended by everyone. A strange situation turns out - everyone loves everyone and everyone takes offense at the milestones ...

In fact, one should not believe and hope that everyone will guess about all the insults (large and small, just and far-fetched), especially if this “everyone” is busy with something. Has your husband not made any important purchases? The wife was busy with the baby and the potatoes were a little overcooked?

It's not all that complicated. If the husband did not do something, then it may simply be due to inattention or due to the fact that at that moment the attention was switched to something else. If the wife does not have enough time and energy for something, then a truly loving husband will definitely help and will not reproach with failure.

Do not be lazy to thank each other, hug, and in case of misunderstanding, you should not just keep silent with an offended look - it is better to immediately say about everything that worries and seems to be that should be changed. Ask for help, ask for support, ask for attention, but do not let the grievance grow and strengthen, because such long-standing grievances are not even a path to nowhere, but a path to the destruction of mutual understanding, to the destruction of respect, love and family.

You offended? It happens, and this is probably inevitable. But there is no need to carry this insult within yourself and feed it with additional thoughts, wrong conclusions and almost fantastic constructions. Just talk, tell about your worries and doubts, ask for help or support - and everything will fall into place and will certainly work out.

The main thing is not to shut yourself up and not make unnecessary assumptions. Most often, any incident has the simplest and most banal explanation, and a way out of any situation is sure to be found. After all, it is important that loving people can always listen to each other, understand each other and completely sincerely help.

A beauty in the past?

Often, young mothers are very worried about their appearance, since the vast majority of women gain extra pounds during pregnancy.

Of course, it is quite possible to return to its former shape, however, firstly, any weight correction takes time, and secondly, breastfeeding of the baby and too active struggle with extra pounds do not really fit together.

However, some husbands do not get tired of repeating that the figure is blurred and urgent measures are needed, that they simply do not want to see a swollen waist, that there are a lot of slender beauties around who can serve as an example ... But where is the love here? And what needs to be saved?

Of course, you can repeat once again that the beauty of a young mother is not at all in kilograms, but this will not console anyone. It is probably better to say that in no case should you make too much effort to lose weight during breastfeeding, however, after the end of lactation, everything is fixable - not in three days, of course, and not even in two weeks, but the former form will surely return.

It is very important to believe in yourself and in your strengths, the support and faith of loved ones is important, love is important. And it is also very important to relax not in front of the TV, but in the park, to move more, not to stop an active lifestyle - this is useful for the mother, and the baby will form healthy habits from an early age.

Have you forgotten about your husband?

It is very strange to count on attention and support if a person himself does not support anyone and pays no attention to anyone. Of course, after the birth of a child, the range of responsibilities changes very much, of course, the load on a young woman increases many times over, but this does not mean that life around has stopped.

No one argues that any spouse periodically does something wrong and wrong, but after all, this is exactly the person who became the father of the child, this is exactly the person with whom they were going to live their whole life, this is exactly the person who recently only pleased and delighted ... Fatigue will pass, problems that seem insoluble will certainly be resolved and new ones will appear in their place, the baby will grow up and worries will become different ... But where is the husband? Have you forgotten about your husband?

Of course, if there is love, then no one forgets about anyone, because how can you forget about a person who is always there, who will always help, who will always understand and comfort?

Of course, even the strongest man wants to be remembered and taken care of, but this care can manifest itself in completely different ways - either favorite pancakes, or the brightest smile ...

About errors

When they say that it is necessary to try very hard in order to preserve love after the birth of a child, and about who and what should do and how to act, then one can not even doubt that there was no love. There was a passion, there was a passion, there was a desire for something new, there were some other feelings and sensations, but it did not work out with love from the very beginning. It is very sad to realize it, it is unpleasant to admit it, but it is exactly so.

And if the child has become a problem for marital relations, if love has decreased in proportion to the increase in waist circumference, if the most important thoughts about who owes what to whom, then you can not even talk about love, and there is nothing to save in this sense.

In this case, it should be about preserving the family, about a sense of duty, about mutual respect, about mutual understanding and mutual assistance - these feelings often become a strong foundation for many families. Moreover, it is from these feelings that sprouts of love can sprout, but true love, based on mutual understanding, respect, on the desire to help, on the understanding of the importance and value of strong and reliable relationships. Most likely, it will not be a fireworks of emotions, a whirlpool of passions or something else extraordinary, but it will be an even and stable feeling, it will be confidence, it will be trust that will not disappear after the birth of a child, even if the fifth baby is born.

It is very sad to state this, but if after the birth of a child love needs to be saved, then there is simply nothing to save, because love (not passion and not lust) and a child are inseparable, and therefore with the birth of a child, love only becomes stronger. It is likely that the speech should not be about the salvation of love, but about the salvation of the family, which will be built on the basis not of passion, but on the basis of respect and common interests.

Advice on what the husband should do and what the wife should do looks very sad in such cases, because the family is together, this is the “seven I”, it is something whole and monolithic, one and indivisible. Yes, there are quarrels and misunderstandings, but after all, clouds can appear on the bluest sky. Only now the clouds will go away, and the sky is eternal, besides, everyone understands perfectly well that there is simply no sky without clouds ...

conclusions

The child has appeared, and the love has disappeared? But maybe, just because the priorities have changed, many things began to be perceived differently?

Of course, it is very important, if problems arise, to try to understand yourself, it is equally important to talk (and more than once) with your partner. But if you cannot find a way out of this situation on your own, then you should contact a specialist.

Saving love is a noble task, although it can be difficult. But the family is worth it!

Waiting for the birth of our first child, we are mentally preparing for many difficulties: sleepless nights, childhood whims and illnesses, chronic fatigue ... But even the most far-sighted of us do not assume that the happiest event in the life of a couple often becomes the starting point of its destruction. Is it possible to keep the relationship if there are three of you?

Numerous studies confirm this paradoxical thesis: in the first year of a child's life, satisfaction with his own marriage significantly decreases. The statistics presented in a study by the University of Denver (2009) are staggering: 90% of couples say so. According to data published in the journal Psychology Today, this also applies to those people whose relationships before pregnancy seemed to them great.

Moreover, the higher the expectations of a man and a woman from future parenting, the more difficult they experience this period: instead of closeness, there comes distance, instead of mutual understanding, disagreements about the upbringing of the baby. It is no coincidence that, according to Russian law, a man has no right to divorce his wife without her consent during pregnancy and in the first year of a child's life.

What happens to a couple after the birth of their first child? Psychologists identify several important aspects, including social and cultural attitudes in society, the highest level of stress in the first months after childbirth, as well as gender differences in the behavior of men and women during this period. Our correspondent spoke in detail about each of them with experts.

From dyad to triad

“There are huge changes in the relationship between a man and a woman at this moment,” explains Daria Utkina, a psychologist and founder of group classes in preparation for childbirth. - Their roles are changing dramatically: they used to be lovers, and now they are young parents. This transformation takes a long time. " At first, this is shocking: you have known each other for many years (or months), and suddenly one fine morning you realize that this is not the person you swore to love forever. Inna Khamitova, a systemic family psychotherapist, considers this to be a completely natural process: “Parenting turns people on a completely new side to each other. And in a sense, people need to get to know each other again, even if they have been together for 10 years. And the couple is either adapting to these changes, or this is the beginning of the end. "

The appearance of a baby concerns not only his mom and dad, but their relatives and even friends.

All family and social ties undergo significant changes, and they also affect the relationship within the couple. “Much depends on the position of grandparents - how they see their role in raising a child and how much it matches the expectations of his parents,” comments Daria Utkina. - And depending on how important social activity was for dad or mom, it is easier or more difficult for them to adapt to their new life. We all know these famous conversations of young parents "about baby poop" - how much do they even fit into your previous lifestyle? "

Of course, all these processes are individual and depend on personality characteristics. “In addition, after the birth of a child, each of us wakes up certain internal conflicts associated with relationships with our own parents,” notes Inna Khamitova. - And this can also provoke distance between spouses. Still, a triangle is a more stable structure than a dyad. And if the couple managed to survive the crisis period, the relationship becomes much stronger. If this situation is left to chance, a crack appears in the family, which can then turn into an abyss. "

If one or both parents find it too difficult to change their habits, the child becomes a catalyst for conflict, because he brings such a level of stress to life that the couple is faced with the questions: are we ready to include this third in our relationship? Or do we want to pass it on to nannies and grandmothers, continuing the relationship that we had? Or do we understand that it is impossible to build relationships further? "It is possible to answer them approximately by the end of the first year of the baby's life, because it is then that the realization comes that the child is forever." In addition, there is a certain request from society: a year is given to young parents for adaptation, but after this period it is expected that they will begin to lead their usual way of life.

It's hard for everyone

During pregnancy and after childbirth, a woman experiences a tremendous hormonal shock in her body. Each mother reacts to it differently: for many, the baby is what protects from the outside world, especially during breastfeeding. “In addition to biological factors, every woman has her own unique psychological experience,” emphasizes Daria Utkina. - For some it is an engine, but for someone it is a reason for depression. But in any case, this is a huge physical and mental work, and at the same time there is still a child with whom you need to establish a connection, and a partner with whom you need to build relationships in a new way. " At this moment, the father is also experiencing serious stress: is he ready for such responsibility, “did he build a house and plant a tree”. And this stress is only exacerbated by the overestimated expectations of men and women from themselves and from each other.

Everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an event of equal value!

Moreover, unlike a woman, for whom there are many techniques and rituals in culture in order to adapt to her new role, this process can be much more difficult for a man. “Even if these are only symbolic rituals, but a woman is greeted with flowers from the hospital, gifts for children's birthdays and much more,” comments Daria Utkina. - But everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an equal event! In fact, there is no way for him to initiate other than to go to a bar with friends and get drunk. And if he chose instead to go, for example, to childbirth, where the center is a woman, and then a child, then it turns out that he experienced a huge shock, but it is not symbolically marked in any way. He has to rely not on traditions, but to look for new ways for himself. "

As a result, we see two people who do not sleep at night, are in a state of extreme stress and anxiety, who have a baby who also wants to understand how he can live in this world. Both partners experience different kinds of pressure: from each other, from relatives, friends, society.

Daria Utkina speaks with alarm about the trend of recent years: “Now there is a certain social model - a woman who, immediately after giving birth, should lead the same lifestyle as before pregnancy. She works, leads a social life, looks slim and sexy - no whims or changes. This is broadcast from magazines, TV, books and, firstly, creates an absolutely wrong picture for a man of how it really happens. And secondly, it exerts incredible pressure on a woman who experiences a double sense of guilt. " Thus, the woman is denied the most important thing - to feel like a full-fledged mother and calmly find harmony with her own child.

Keys to Understanding

It is at this stressful point that problems arise, which can subsequently lead, if not to a break in relations, then to a serious distance between partners. “The birth of a child, like a litmus test, reveals those unsolved problems in a couple that existed before the birth,” says Inna Khamitova. - If the partners did not agree "on the shore" about their responsibilities and roles, or simply did not create a trusting relationship, then when the child appears and the number of tasks becomes even more, it is much more difficult to do this. This process can take very acute forms and develop into constant scandals.

The first advice for parents-to-be is to seriously prepare for the birth of a child. And not in a children's store, buying booties, but at the negotiating table, discussing all possible negative points and risks. “Learn more about childbirth and the postpartum period,” advises Daria Utkina. - Go to courses for pregnant women together, read specialized literature. It is very important to discuss in advance whether you need a nanny or housekeeper, what role grandparents will play. And the main thing is that you yourself expect from each other. "

The key to mutual understanding is to give the partner the opportunity and time to realize their new role.

The birth of a baby for most people is the main event in life. But at the same time, the realization that this life will never be the same will not come to young parents right away. For objective reasons, they are forced to change their lifestyle, schedule, habits - and for some this becomes a problem. Especially for men, who, unlike women, are not naturally endowed with hormones that make them more aware of their parenthood. Therefore, they often need more time to adapt, and here the key to mutual understanding is to give the partner the opportunity and time to realize their new role. Instead of reproaches and ultimatums, it is worth explaining in detail why your new life requires certain sacrifices on the part of both parents.

Physical difficulties and hormonal surges seriously affect the emotional state of a young mother - psychologists often call it "changed", implying that she can behave completely differently than before the birth of the child. Even the most balanced woman can become whiny and capricious overnight. Many mothers describe the first months after childbirth as "a black hole in the mind, when you are not aware of your actions."

When talking about their relationship in the first year or two of a baby's life, couples often use the word "unbearable". It is this feeling that pushes them to part. It seems that it is no longer possible to endure and the only way out is divorce. “People are in an extremely stressful state,” explains Daria Utkina. - And to understand in such a situation how objective your emotions are is very difficult. Am I really feeling it or am I overacting a little? The only thing that can be controlled is our emotional reactions to events that occur. Only we ourselves can bring stability to the environment that surrounds us. "

The fourth tip is to be patient with your partner. The fact is that in a state of "intolerable" we address this feeling to the person who causes it in us. We shift responsibility for our state to him, although it arises simply because at some point our own fears and experiences are realized. “But you need to understand the difference between 'endure' and 'be tolerant,' warns the psychologist. - When a person is in pain, if he closes his eyes, then for a moment it will feel better. But if the source of pain does not disappear, then the body dies. And we come to the question: is this situation a reason to endure, or to be more tolerant? What will make me feel better right now and in a broader perspective? "

Often, separation in a couple occurs because at the earliest stages the father feels himself to be excluded from the life of the mother and child. Therefore, an attempt to avoid the "feeling of the third superfluous" becomes an important point. Today, dads are actively involved in preparing for childbirth and even childbirth itself. An illusory equality of rights between parents is created, which is immediately destroyed if a woman is breastfeeding. “Many dads breathe a sigh of relief when they find out that feeding at night and“ lulling ”the baby is not part of their paternal functions,” reassures Daria Utkina. - Then the question arises before the man: why am I needed here at all? But in fact, he faces the most important tasks: to create space for a woman to calmly take care of the child, to be strong and responsible, to help her partner recover after childbirth. " And then the father feels that this is his role and it is significant, he is inspired and does not feel like a third superfluous. You just need to remind him of this more often. "

Finally, the main key to keeping a family together is to strive for a balance between parenting and marriage. “Despite the fact that you have become a dad and a mom, we must not forget that you are also spouses, friends, lovers, just close people,” warns Inna Khamitova. - It is a separate and important task - to devote time and emotions to each other. Make it a tradition to leave your child to your grandmother or nanny once a week and spend at least a couple of hours together. "

This thesis is also confirmed by a study by the University of Denver: couples who, 6 months after the birth of a child, felt more like lovers / partners than other respondents, experienced, in general, much less stress from their parenting, more easily experienced difficulties associated with the appearance of an infant in the family. ... The more we invest in our relationship during this period, the better it will go for all three family members.

You carry a baby under your heart for nine months, heroically go through all these monthly tests and standing in lines to see a doctor. Then painful contractions, not always easy childbirth and ... here it is, happiness! You feel like a heroine and, of course, you deserve to be carried by your husband for the rest of his life, filled with flowers and gifts, fulfilled any whim and was very grateful for your son or daughter.

But, alas, this is not often the case in life. The birth of a child, even a desired, long-awaited and beloved one, is a great stress for the whole family, because now too much is changing - from social roles to financial situation. This naturally affects. On forums for young mothers, there are frequent complaints that after the birth of a child, “the husband was changed,” he became rude, harsh, distant, harmony disappeared, mutual understanding disappeared. The list of complaints is endless.

Cause: postpartum depression

According to statistics, 15% of women appear. You should not perceive this state as capriciousness, sadness, or write it off as a bad character. Postpartum depression is a serious medical condition. requiring qualified assistance. Postpartum depression symptoms:

  • sadness;
  • tearfulness;
  • lack of interest in life;
  • ceases to delight that which was pleasing before;
  • fear appears;
  • feeling of own failure;
  • irritation;
  • chronic fatigue;
  • drowsiness or, conversely, insomnia;
  • chest pain or breathing problems may appear.

If you experience these symptoms and the condition lasts longer than three weeks, then you have postpartum depression. In addition to the fact that a woman in such a state feels extremely bad, she needs help and support from her husband, the husband, in turn, often simply gets tired of his wife's prolonged depression and begins to get annoyed and depressed himself. And it can be understood, because a person in depression is a useless interlocutor, you don't even need to stutter about sex, and fatigue leads to the fact that the usual household way is also violated.

What to do: see a psychotherapist. Not to a psychologist, but to a therapist who will not only conduct sessions with you, but will also pick you up. Find specialized materials on depression and give it to your husband to read so that he understands that these are not whims, but a disease that you can cope with with his support. Be honest with your husband, don't try to pretend that everything is okay - this will make you even worse. After a while, after working with a therapist, you will feel better and be able to catch up.

Reason: you won't have time for each other


This risk is especially great if no one is helping you with your child. The husband is at work from morning till night, and you are torn between the household and the child. Where can you find time for romance or just communication? There would be an extra hour to sleep. And in between times you move more and more.

What to do: seek any help. There are no grandmothers and a full day opportunity - hire her for two days a week or just for a walk with a child. So you free yourself up time for those things that you have to do in the evening, when your husband can help with the child.

Try to communicate more often during the day using numerous instant messengers. Find out how each other is doing at least two or three times a day. In some couples, this is not accepted, they say, it looks like control, distracts from current affairs. In fact, it gives a sense of belonging to each other's life and brings them closer together.

Reason: third extra


Many men admit that it is difficult for them to get used to being a father and to the fact that wives no longer belong to them entirely. This happens not only in couples where the mother has increased anxiety and it seems to her that the husband cannot cope with the child, but also in couples where the husband works a lot and the woman sincerely wants to free him from worries about the baby.

What to do: get your husband involved in childcare more actively, he must have his own permanent responsibilities. Let them be few, but he will know that this is his area of ​​responsibility. For example, changing your baby's clothes in the morning and bringing him to you for feeding, an evening bath and an evening fairy tale, at least one weekend walk.

Men refer to the fact that not everyone wakes up quickly, for some he generally sleeps for up to three years, while it is impossible to fully and actively play with the child. But we know that what is most appreciated is what we put in our time and energy. Therefore, the more actively a man takes part in caring for a child, the faster he is drawn into the role of a father.

How do you feel after having a baby, especially your first child? That's right, delight, happiness, boundless love for the baby, absorption and rapture with love ... And what does HE feel, have you ever wondered? No, you are thinking wrong now ...

It is not the child who feels, but your significant other, whose soulmate is your common child! And what is HE, you ask? He is not a child, an adult and independent person, he must understand that I have no time for him now! Congratulations! You have deliberately taken the first step towards ruining your marriage. If such a turn of events is not in your plans, then we will try to tell you how to keep the family after the birth of the child.

Life after birth through the eyes of a man

He took his wife to the hospital. I sat there. I thought. I realized that I have several days of freedom. I decided not to waste time. Tidied up in advance, prepared a bed, other little things. In order not to have bad thoughts, I met with friends. We drank. The baby was born. Noted. I remembered that I forgot to congratulate my wife. I bought flowers and fruits. Congratulated.

Extract. They handed the envelope, came home, opened it. Relatives gasped, gasped, congratulated, departed. Conducted a comparative analysis of the baby's physiognomy for compliance with mine. It seems similar. Hooray! I am a father!

A week has passed. I try to stay longer at work or somewhere else. It seems that at home I am now superfluous. I really want to sleep. The understanding has come that this will not be possible very soon. The child is constantly yelling and you have to please him, rocking him in his arms. The wife is busy only with him, she does not care about everything else. Constant reproaches that I am doing everything wrong and no sense from me. The whole world now revolves around the child, and for his wife he has become the meaning of life. She even sleeps with him. It looks like our marriage is over.

Why did the husband leave the family after the birth of the child?

Life after birth through the eyes of a woman

We arrived at the hospital. Fear of the unknown and understanding that you are alone with this fear. The past childbirth is like a bad dream that ended with the birth of a small miracle. Feelings of resentment towards your husband. It turns out that at a time when I had to go through so much, he was just having fun with friends. And he didn't even congratulate. It seems that it doesn't matter to him at all that he has a child.

Finally, discharge and I will rest at home. Constant medical procedures, the cry of newborns day and night did not allow me or the baby to relax. Dad looks dumbfounded, it looks like he's just starting to get it right now. We arrived home, with a sense of pride unfolded the baby, everyone is delighted. She sighed with relief after the guests had left. It's all over, and now there are three of us. I'm happy!

A week has passed. I collapse from fatigue. I don't have time to do anything around the house, my happiness requires constant attention. I run to him with all my might at the first call out of fear that my baby, what good, will scream a hernia to himself. I constantly want to sleep, but light sleep interferes with this process. I wake up even from the simple stirring of a child. In order not to run a hundred times to the bed, I put him to sleep with me. Almost no help from her husband, he walks gloomy and with a displeased face. Doesn't he notice how hard it is for me now? I was very disappointed in him and our marriage.

If the situation develops further according to the scenario described above, then a deaf wall of misunderstanding will grow between the spouses, and the marriage will begin to crack under the growing intensity of mutual discontent. We will not pay attention to a detailed analysis of the reasons for the cooling of relations between spouses after the birth of a child.

There is only one reason - the inconsistency of expectations with the realities of life by the "threesome" both on the part of mom and dad, mental and informational unpreparedness.

And everything else is a natural consequence of this main reason.

A family crisis after the birth of a child can be overcome

How to fix the current situation?

First, stop lashing out from a sore head to a healthy one. Do not expect your spouse to suddenly understand everything and begin to magically improve. Take the reins into your own hands.

Your marriage is in your hands.

Start to manage the situation yourself. Yes, you are tired, no one argues. But since ancient times, a woman was the keeper of the family hearth, and in many ways it depended on her how warm and comfortable the family members would feel within it.

  • Understand to yourself for a start that a child is not "the light of your eyes" and is not an end in itself in life. This is the same as you, a member of society, even if not yet formed. He has his own path in life, which he will choose CAM, regardless of your desires. Help him, love him, but without fanaticism and admiration for him, as before a deity. Imagine that you have it already the seventh in a row.
  • stop finding fault with your husband and incessantly reproaching. Even if he is at fault, the best weapon is when you are annoyed, pissed off, etc. Is silence. Tell him how and for what he is guilty, and how many times he is guilty, when you are calm, which will also allow you to soberly assess the situation.
  • ask your husband to help you with the child and with the housework. Marriage is a joint sharing of family responsibilities, both in sorrow and in joy. Only calmly, without hysterical screams, that no one cares how dirty you are! He understands perfectly well that you are tired and you sometimes need to wash.
  • leave boring comments on how to do the right thing, and as best as possible - do not underestimate his self-esteem. Let him get out himself, or ask you. Don't worry about your child, he is in good hands. You didn’t marry an adequate person, didn’t you? And the child craves communication with dad.
  • humbly accept that the next year or three you will be dependent on the child and limited in your freedom. You will no longer be able, as before, to play tricks with your girlfriends somewhere on the small streets, easily get out on a barbecue, or, at worst, jump with a parachute and go on a mountain expedition. But you knew this even before marriage, right?
  • try to spend at least a couple of hours a week together, without a child. Think for yourself how to technically implement it. Forget about the existence of "blood" for this time. Yes, calm down, nothing will happen to the child during this time. Feel you need each other again, not just the child!

Why after the birth of a child for many women the husband becomes a stranger

Taking note of these simple tips, changing your attitude towards your spouse and child, dropping fantasies about "what an ideal marriage should be", it will become easier for you. Not physically, but psychically, for sure. You will begin to notice what a wonderful husband and wonderful dad you have and how good the three of you are. And if the mother is happy, the baby is happy. And dad! In such a positive attitude, it is easier to see how you can avoid family hardships further and maintain a strong union of two loving hearts.