What is fatherly love? Excessive paternal love. Conditional paternal love

Features of paternal love

Psychoanalysis. Theory

When we talk about parents, we most often mean huge role mothers for the growth and development of the child, unfairly leaving the father in the shadow of "maternal omnipotence." A child is born from the mother's womb, is carried by her, but for his birth, a father was also needed.

Two people meet and as a result of them love story the third is born. But even before his appearance, a woman who wants a child imagines not only what she will be future baby, but also what kind of father her man will be in the future.

We take existence for granted maternal instinct, but we say little about what fatherhood is for a man and what role the father plays in the development of the child. And, nevertheless, this role is no less important and essential, because the mother and father are the first people with whom the child begins to communicate.

One of the first to clearly divide parenting attitude to the child for paternal and maternal, was E. Fromm. He described maternal love as unconditional in nature. A mother loves her child because he simply is, and not because the child fulfills some of her conditions, justifies some of her hopes and expectations. This is the perfect motherly love. Father's love, on the contrary, is based on certain conditions, it is guided by the principle "I love you, because you justify my hopes, because you are doing your duty, because you are like me."

It is in the very nature of paternal love that obedience becomes main virtue, and disobedience is the main sin, the payment for which is the deprivation of paternal love. If love arises under certain conditions, it can be won with every effort. Unlike maternal love, father's love can be controlled.

However, E. Fromm makes a reservation that paternal love, based on principles and expectations, should be calm and patient rather than domineering and intimidating, should provide the growing child with more and more strong feeling self-confidence and, over time, allow him to control himself and do without his father's guidance.

A similar point of view is found in the works of C.G. Jung. The father always embodies authority and the ability to navigate the external world, while the mother transfers to the child the elusive ability to develop the inner world of feelings. The father "reveals to the child the objective external world and, embodying the sphere of authority and morality, on the contrary, creates protection from subjective mental biases. "

Modern psychoanalysis began to pay more attention to the role of the father in the development of children in the first years of life. Before a certain period mother and child are in close, almost symbiotic relationship with the mother. But in this dyad, albeit at an unconscious level at the very beginning, there is always a "third", and this third is the father. TO a certain age(by about the end of the year) the child begins to perceive the father as an independent object that differs from the mother. According to some reports, by about the eighth month, the child already demonstrates different attachments to the mother and father. A child learns to communicate with two people at the same time, and this is the beginning of a triple relationship. And the child's future relationships with other people depend on how well the parents and their child are able to build these threefold relationships.

The role of the father is very important not only for the child, for whom the father is the one who at the same time ensures maternal safety, but also the one who "invades" his relationship with the mother "takes" the mother. The father "destroys" the dyad, but at the same time gives an opportunity for self-development child.

After all, if a child stays with his mother forever, he will never be able to grow up. And, if a woman does not remember that she is also a wife, then she will remain within the framework of only the maternal role.

Once upon a time, I started my practice by working with families. My experience has helped me to see clearly how deeply rooted myths and misconceptions are in the minds of people. Until now, many people are trying to clearly define for themselves the concept of female and male roles in the family, the functions of father and mother. And despite modern opportunity to receive a variety of information in a short time, many people still arrive in the stone age of delusions about themselves. Until now, many women think that "they know better" or "they know better" how to treat a child, not trusting a man, a father to look after and take care of a baby. Yes, a man does not carry a child for nine months and does not breastfeed, but a man who loves his wife and child is capable of caring for a child as well as a mother. And in cases where the mother is not able to feed the baby with her own milk, also feed the baby. And row modern research confirms this.

No fundamental differences in parental care for a child, especially with regard to feeding, changing clothes, motion sickness and learning some skills.

A woman who isolates her man (by different reasons) from caring for a child, not only deprives a man of the understanding of what is fatherhood and just the pleasure of being a father, she deprives herself and the child of support, support and care.

In many Russian families there are still clear boundaries between “female” and “male” roles. Although experience modern world shows that a woman is able to cope with such a task as making money, and a man is able to be affectionate and patient with his own children.

As long as there is a place in the minds of beliefs that “I know better,” “I will do better,” because I am a mother or I am a father, the child will be hostage to the conflict in relations with people close to him, but he will not recognize the relationship itself.

To understand this turn from mother to father, we must take into account significant difference between maternal and paternal love. A mother's love is by its very nature unconditional. There is also "deserved" love, which leaves a bitter feeling that you are not loved by yourself, that you are loved only because you are pleasant, that in the end you are not loved at all, but are used. It is not surprising that we all yearn for maternal love, both as children and as adults.

The connection with the father is completely different. Mother is the house from which we leave, this is nature, the ocean; the father has a weak connection with the child in the first years of his life, and his importance for the child during this period cannot be compared with the importance of the mother. But the father represents the other pole of human existence: the world of thought, things created human hands, law and order, discipline, travel and adventure. The father is the one who teaches the child how to recognize the path to the world.

When private property arose and when it could be inherited by one of the sons, the father began to look forward to the appearance of a son, to whom he could leave his property. Naturally, he turned out to be the son whom the father considered most suitable for becoming an heir, the son who was most like his father, and, therefore, whom he loved most. Father's love is conditional love. Its principle is: "I love you because you meet my expectations, because you fulfill your duties, because you are like me."

It is in the very nature of paternal love that obedience becomes the main virtue, disobedience - the main sin. And the punishment for him is the loss of his father's love. Is important and positive side... Since fatherly love is conditional, I can do something to achieve it, I can work for it; paternal love is not outside my control, as maternal love is.

The function of the mother is to provide the child with safety in life, the function of the father is to teach him, to guide him so that he can cope with the problems that the society in which he was born puts before the child.

Fatherly love must be guided by principles and expectations; she must be patient and condescending, not threatening and authoritative. It must give the growing child an ever-increasing sense of his own strength and, finally, allow him to become his own authority and free himself from the authority of the father.

A person can remain fixed on early attachment to the mother and develop into a person who is dependent on the mother, feels helpless. He may try to find a "mother" in the sense of authority and power in anyone, both women and men.

Kinds of love: maternal and paternal love

When a child is just born, he needs maternal and paternal love. I emphasize: the child does not need mom and dad, but also needs maternal and paternal love. And if he does not receive them in childhood, then his whole life will go awry.

Thanks to Fromm's definition of love, one can, for example, understand whether a mother loves a child or not. When parents come to me and say: “I love my child,” I want to find out - do they really love him? To do this, I ask them the following question: "What can he do?"

If he is not developed, cannot do what he is supposed to do at his age, then his parents did not love him, but simply called their feeling love. For example, if a six-year-old girl knows how to wash, wash floors and dishes, dresses herself and brushes her teeth, then her parents really loved this girl. They taught her useful work at this age ...

IMPORTANT BACKGROUND.

LOVE IS THE EDUCATIONAL PROCESS

Love is not a gift expensive gifts, and this is such an educational process, during which the child becomes more and more independent. Love is determined by the number of skills that the child masters. Thus, I emphasize once again that if a child of 6-10 years old does not know how to do anything, it means that his parents do not like him.

I have a firm conviction: there is maternal and paternal love, but there is no love of children for their parents at all, it does not exist in nature. And when you know the true state of affairs, then it is easier for you to understand a lot in life. Indeed, it is sometimes easier to navigate in the light than in the dark.

What is my point of view based on? You see, a person should have a meaning in life. And the meaning of life is primarily in oneself. Who helps me find this meaning? My bosses, my employees, my sexual partners, children as my continuation. And parents - why should I love them? Can you imagine if my meaning of life is love for my parents, then what can happen? According to the laws of life, my parents will die before me. And if I love my parents, and they die, then I lose the meaning of life. Right? Children need our parental love and then they have to do without it.

I have a firm conviction: there is maternal and paternal love, but there is no love of children for their parents at all, it does not exist in nature.

Mikhail Litvak

Children will sooner or later leave parental home... Moreover, if you brought up well, then they will leave you quite early. If you have not brought up well, then they will sit on your neck for a long time. Many are afraid of losing their children, so they are poorly brought up. Then these children sit on their necks, poor parents bring them up until retirement. Not until your retirement. Until the retirement of their children.

However, I do not urge those who are still dependent on their parents to abandon them. You must leave gradually so as not to hurt them.

Maternal and paternal love have their own nuances. My son Igor Mikhailovich perfected Fromm's ideas. He divided maternal and paternal love into infantile and mature. Below we will take a closer look at these concepts.

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Have you ever thought about such concepts as maternal and paternal love? This love really exists. Each of the parents loves the child in different ways, but still the word "loves" is in both cases, and this is what unites them.

Mother's love. Any mother provides the baby with her warmth, creates comfort for him and brings up the appearance of the child. Motherly love usually manifests itself in actions and words. Any pregnant woman starts talking to her baby even before the stage of birth. When a baby appears, any mother gives herself completely, demanding nothing in return from her baby except love. Any mother loves her baby, whatever it is. Any mother loves not only with her soul, but with her whole heart. And for her it will not be so important how the baby learns, what success he achieves; she will make every effort to ensure that the baby has achieved all the best in his life. There is an invisible connection between any mother and child, and if the mother is in a bad mood, then know that your baby is also in her soul, because he feels everything.

Maternal love is considered:

— superior view human love;

- the most sacred of all emotional connections;

- its achievement is not love for a baby, but love for a growing child;

- is an inequality, where one completely needs help, and the other gives it completely, without demanding anything in return.

Mother's love gives:

- unconditional affirmation in the child's life of his needs and preservation of life;

- positive sources of warmth and food, euphoric state of satisfaction and safety;

- unites all experiences into one “I am loved because I am a child of my mother”;

- makes you feel your importance “I am loved because I am beautiful, wonderful. I am loved because my mother needs me;

- everyday disinterested concern mother says to the baby "I am loved because it is me."

These experiences are passive. This means “that there is nothing I have done to be loved.

Mother's love is unconditional. All that is required of me is to be:

- to be her child.

- an attitude that inspires a child with a love of life, makes him feel that it is good to be alive, it is good to be a little boy or girl, it is good to live on this earth!

- strengthens the desire to be viable, instills in the child a love for life and for all that exists. The end result of maternal love must be the desire for the child to separate from the mother. In maternal love, two people who were one become separate from each other. The mother should not only endure, but want and support the separation of the child.

Mother's love- this is bliss, this is peace, it does not need to be achieved, it does not need to be deserved.

Ideally, maternal love:

- does not try to prevent the child from growing up;

- does not try to assign a reward for helplessness;

- has faith in life;

- should not be alarming;

- has a desire for the child to become independent,

- and, in the end, separated from his mother.

The negative side of unconditional maternal love.

1. Due to the fact that the mother's love does not have to be earned, the child may feel that this love cannot be achieved, aroused or controlled. If it is, then it is equal to bliss, if it is not, it is the same as if everything the beautiful is gone - and I can do nothing to create this love.
2. There is a narcissistic element in the mother's love.

Because the child is perceived as part of herself, the mother's love and blind adoration can be the satisfaction of her narcissism.

3.At the basis of maternal love can be found the motives of the impetuous desire for power or possession.

A child, a being helpless and completely dependent on her will, is a natural object of satisfaction for a woman who is domineering and possessive. It is at this stage that many mothers are unable to solve the problem of motherly love. A narcissistic, domineering, possessive woman can successfully be a loving mother while the child is small. In the growing up child, the mother can see the threat of losing her object of power and control.

Many mothers have difficulties at times when the baby begins to separate from her. It is important for a child that he has not only good mother, but also happy mother... Because all the worries of mothers are projected onto the children. However, day after day, the child becomes more and more independent: he learns to walk, speak, discover the world on his own; connection with the mother is somewhat losing its vitality

Father's love is significantly different from mother's love.... It manifests itself in educational process... The basis of any fatherly love lies in the right direction of his baby in adult life... The father's love is manifested in the fact that if he has set any task and the baby makes every effort, then the father will definitely help him in this and direct him. If a father praises his child, it gives the child strength and self-confidence. Fathers are not able to betray feelings of affection and love, but each father loves his baby in his own way, bringing up the strength of character in the child.

Father's love.

If mother is the home from which we leave, it is nature, the ocean; the father does not imagine any such natural home. He has a weak connection with the child in the early years of his life, and his importance for the child during this period cannot be compared with the importance of the mother. But although the father has no idea natural world, it represents the other pole of human existence:

- the world of thought, things created by human hands,

- law and order, discipline,

- travel and adventure.

Father's love is conditional love. Its principle is: "I love you because you meet my expectations, because you fulfill your duties, because you are like me."

Father's conditional love:

- teaches the child how to find out the way to the world;

- allows you to do something to achieve it, “I can work for her”;

- is not outside the control of the child, like mother's love;

- guided by principles and expectations;

- she must be patient and condescending, not threatening and authoritative;

- must give the growing child an ever-increasing sense of his own strength;

The negative side of paternal love is:

- the fact that it must be deserved;

- that it can be lost if the person does not do what is expected of him.

The mother's function is to ensure the child's safety in life. The function of the father is to teach him, to guide him so that he can cope with the problems that the society in which he was born poses for the child. Ultimately, a mature person comes to the point where he himself becomes both his own mother and his own father. He acquires, as it were, maternal and paternal consciousness.

The maternal consciousness says: "There is no evil deed, there is no crime that could deprive you of my love, my desire for you to live and be happy."

The paternal consciousness says: "You have done evil, you cannot avoid the consequences of your evil deed, and if you want me to love you, you must first of all correct your behavior."

The maternal and paternal attitude towards the child corresponds to his own needs. The baby needs a mother unconditional love and care both physiologically and mentally. A child over the age of six begins to need a father's love, authority, and guidance. However, there are some things that mom and dad should do exclusively together. In addition to expressing their feelings for him, the baby feels and sees the relationship between the mother and father themselves. If there is harmony in the relationship of the parents, then it will certainly appear in the relationship with the child, both on the part of the father and on the part of the mother. Despite the "unequal" love of the parents, together they create the very harmony of feelings that the child needs. A child does not need two mothers who equally love and cuddle him, he also does not need two fathers who pragmatically do not know how to express affection. He needs both a father with his principles and firmness of character, and a mother with all her affection and care.

Based on the book by Erich Fromm (1900-1980, American psychologist, philosopher, sociologist) "The Art of Love"