The husband does not want his wife - what to do? a practical guide for unwanted wives. if the husband does not want a wife, this is fixable. What to do when your husband doesn't understand you
When examining this issue, another one arises: is it part of the husband's obligation to listen to his wife in everything? Maybe, on the contrary, the wife should obey her husband? After all, the husband is the head of the family.
In some cases, the dictum that a husband should obey his wife is incorrect. The wife herself must ensure that her husband begins to respect her, and, accordingly, listen to her opinion, and try to resolve family issues with her. After all, judge for yourself, you will never listen to the opinion of the person who is not so important to you or who simply does not command your respect, that is, does not have authority. If a wife shows her stupidity day after day and cannot be of any use to her husband, naturally, the husband begins to neglect her advice, considering it pointless. In such cases, the husband will constantly contradict his wife in everything. On an instinctive level, he will begin to contradict all the statements of his legal wife and will do the opposite.
What a wife is like a husband
Almost everything in the house depends on the wife. Sometimes you have to re-educate your husbands, and many of them discover qualities that you would never have thought of, and this is not even about the bad traits of his character. For example, before the wedding, the husband always kept saying that he was not going to do housework for women, as it would be humiliating. And suddenly, after the wedding, the next feast, the husband washed all the dishes or tidied up the house. This action is completely normal. Do not think that you can now command your husband. He just helped you fulfill your responsibilities.
Often, women want to show in public how they educate their husbands in order to raise their dignity and authority. However, it is not. The more a wife shows that she has influence on her husband, the more he is, and a moment will come when he will get tired of all this, and he will stop listening to his wife and will not take her opinion into account at all. Just show your loved one your real wisdom in advice, and he himself will feel that he has a need for you.
The fact that you are trying to change your husband should not be known to anyone except you, even your husband. Better to let him think that everything he does happens only from his own considerations and concepts, and not according to your instructions. Men are the stronger sex and they will never allow themselves to be commanded and controlled. However, it is worth remembering the popular wisdom: the husband is the head, and the wife is the neck (wherever she wants, she will turn her head there).
If your husband does not listen to you, look for the problem in yourself, maybe you are doing something wrong. You will never succeed in scandals and misunderstandings. Make your lawful spouse feel how much he needs you, just do not put it on display. Be meek, quiet, peaceful, wise, kind, and only then will your husband reach out to you, and he will want to do something nice for you.
When one of the spouses has feelings pass, it is the hardest stress. Any change in a relationship for the worse is especially painful for a woman, since it is vital for her to be loved and desired. It is very difficult to admit the fact that a man has fallen out of love, so many wives continue to deceive themselves and play in an ideal family. This position is very dangerous because it presupposes inaction. It is much wiser to admit the problem and try to figure out what to do if the husband does not love his wife. What signs can indicate this?
Direct "evidence" or hidden hints?
Typically, a wife does not need direct evidence that she is no longer loved. This manifests itself even in small things, you just need to stop “hiding your head in the sand” and analyze your husband's behavior. Psychologists advise paying attention to a whole range of factors that explain how a husband behaves if he does not love his wife.
The main signs of dislike
Do I need to keep my family together?
If the husband does not love his wife, what should she do? This is the first question a woman must answer herself. To make it easier to make a decision, you need to evaluate all the pros and cons of your man and understand whether you need to fight for him. Divorce is never easy, but living with a husband who has no feelings left is also hard. Not every woman is ready to live with the hope that her husband will love her again.
Exits from the situation
Psychologists assure that, finding herself in such a position, a woman can choose one of two options:
- To part, if there is no certainty that feelings will return, and do not torment either yourself or your husband.
- Try to bring back the love that has died.
Can a husband love again?
Life is unpredictable, so this outcome is quite likely. But for this, a woman must make some effort. First of all, you need to remember how the relationship began, and what initially attracted the man. After analyzing the relationship, the wife must realize her mistakes, because for sure they were. It is useless to shift the blame only to the husband, this position is doomed to failure.
There are always signs that the husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this - you need to figure it out. A woman knows her spouse best of all, so it will not be difficult for her to identify the factors provoking irritation. It is worth starting work on a relationship by eliminating the reasons that displease the husband.
Sometimes in such cases a joint trip or a weekend spent together will be indispensable. The ability to retire and have a quiet conversation is an important step towards mutual understanding.
There is always a difficult situation if the husband does not love his wife. What to do is up to the woman to decide. When she wants to return her husband's love, do not impose yourself and become his shadow - this will push him away and cause a new wave of irritation. You can't show your loneliness and longing. A confident and happy woman is much more attracted to. In order for a husband to look at his wife with different eyes, she must also believe in her attractiveness and exclusivity. It is unlikely that a husband wants to idolize a woman who does not believe in herself.
Honor and praise
Any man loves to be admired. This is an integral part of their nature, and many wise women take advantage of this. When a wife praises her husband and emphasizes his dignity, he feels confident next to her, and will constantly return for a new portion of admiration.
Probably every woman thinks from time to time: if the husband does not love his wife, what signs should be present. Joint conversations on topics that are interesting to both will help to renew old feelings. A woman can surprise her spouse with her knowledge in various fields and show that she is smart and educated.
If the decision is made to leave ...
Family life is not easy, so it often ends in divorce. When people have different values and perceptions of the world, it is not easy for them to find a common language and keep love. At the beginning of a relationship, very little attention is paid to this fact, it seems that all difficulties are surmountable. But when feelings cool down, optimism quickly disappears, and often a situation arises when the husband does not love his wife. Any wife knows what signs will help determine this.
If a woman realizes that she is not ready to live with a man who does not love her, she decides to leave him. In such cases, resentment and misunderstanding do not allow an objective assessment of the situation, but it is worth making an effort on yourself and parting correctly. There is no need to accuse your husband of dislike, it is better to try to accept reality and let him go. Perhaps then the relationship will move to a new level, and everyone will be able to live their own life.
What do the experts say?
If the husband does not love his wife, the advice of a psychologist comes down to one thing - to analyze the relationship and future prospects. It is important to understand that all vapors feel cooling at a certain period of time. When the cold drags on, the woman begins to understand that, perhaps, her husband has stopped loving her. One gets the impression that he lives his own life, in which she has no place.
Each family may have its own reasons why it seems that the husband does not love his wife. Signs should be considered only in combination. Psychologists believe that most often feelings cool down due to the fact that there was not enough emotional closeness between the spouses. Misunderstanding leads to the fact that the couple cannot find a compromise and come to an agreement. Problems build up, irritation builds up, and fights don't fade away.
What to do?
When a woman realizes that her husband has lost interest in her, she thinks about how to return his feelings. But first of all, it's worth figuring out: is it necessary to do this? Often, attempts to call a man into a conversation end in failure, since he is unlikely to discuss his feelings.
To avoid another scandal, a woman should express her thoughts calmly and judiciously, without stopping to insults. How does a husband behave if he does not love his wife? By his behavior, intonation and words, one can understand whether there is a chance to restore the family or whether you need to come to terms with reality.
When a relationship is like a game with only one goal, the wife needs to think about herself and remember that she, too, has the right to be happy. There is no need to continue meaningless conversations and do all you can to keep your husband. Such actions will not lead to the creation of a strong family, but will bring new disappointments and the collapse of hope.
A woman should realize that, clinging to her back, she will never feel needed and desired. Sometimes loneliness is much more pleasant than constant torment and suffering, so you should not be afraid of it. In addition, it’s time to find peace of mind and harmony, which will be useful for building new relationships. It is important to realize that your own happiness does not depend on the actions of other people, it is achieved as a result of painstaking inner work on yourself.
For help - to the church
If the husband does not love his wife, the questions the woman asks the priest will help her learn to believe in the best. You need to appreciate life, notice the elementary joys and know that God sends only those tests that a person can withstand.
In this article, we will talk in more detail about what to do if "my husband does not understand me." And also about the reasons for the "bad" behavior of the partner.
If we raise our hand vertically and look at our palm, and the other person standing opposite will at this moment also look at our hand, he will not see the palm, but the back of the hand, because he is looking from the other side. The same thing happens in life with situations, relationships, with human personalities. We always see one picture, and another person - another.
The thing is that we get used to seeing our relationships in a certain way, we get used to dwelling on negative moments. We immerse ourselves in them so much, give them so much energy and time that this habit overshadows everything else, it is very difficult for us to switch to something else.
Your partner looks at your relationship as this hand differently. You can insist as much as you like that your relationship is such and such, and he will say that they are different. He looks at other moments that are important to him.
Therefore, it is important to learn, if not to look at relations from different sides, then at least to assume that our point of view is not the only one. When your partner says something, or you see that he is bored in the relationship and wants to run away from home, you do not understand? This means that you look at your relationship differently, and it's time to discuss it.
Every person in a relationship wants to feel loved.
How much do you give yourself and your partners a feeling of love, how often do you tell him that everything is fine with him, that you love him, how often do you hug him? Everyone wants to feel loved and strong.
We do something to make our loved ones feel stronger. When you notice that your partner is harmful, it means, most likely, he does not feel strong in your relationship, he has to "push through" his authority.
A strong person does not need confirmation of this, he feels his strength, and if he demonstrates this, then he does not have this feeling.
People also want to feel significant, important, to see that you support them, to hear. Tell your partner more often, “What a great idea you have. I don’t want to go anywhere without you, I’d better stay with you ”. Let him understand what he means.
And the last criterion that is important for partners is the feeling that they have a home, it is important for them to feel protected, to know that they come home and can relax, they can do what they want, that they are accepted here as they are.
These qualities are especially pronounced in children, if they are not, they are very nervous, irritated. But partners are the same children and also need protection.
What to tell your partner
It is important that you organize all this yourself, not he. You are in the position of a parent, you know more, you can influence more. And if love is not enough for you, you can say: "I am very pleased if you hug me, kiss me, if you say tender words to me."
Or: "It is important for me that you support me in this idea." Some do not say such words, arguing that they do not know what will come of it. But if you don't try anything new in a relationship, then nothing will change.
If your partner exhibits “bad behavior” it means that he is disappointed, depressed, does not know what to do.
When a person, relatively speaking, behaves badly, he simply asks for help: "I can't cope, I feel disgusting, I don't know what to do next."
Determine what he is missing. What happens, what does not work, where he is disappointed. In general, this is the stumbling block of most relationships. Once you figure it out, think about what to do to stop him feeling this way?
Often it is enough just to listen, to show interest in your partner and what is happening to him: “I see you are upset today. Something happened? Maybe you want to tell how you are? "
But it is also important to show respect for his personal territory. Does he even want to be helped, or is it important for him to be with himself? We are all different, so everything in your relationship is important to both.
Only the two of you decide what your relationship will be.
The basis of correct behavior in a relationship is the superposition "I am the cause of everything that happens in my relationship."
If you crawl from this foundation, you will immediately fall into the position of the victim: “This is how he is, these are the circumstances,” or you will start scolding yourself.
You need to approach this from the other side: “If the reason for everything that happens is me, then I can improve everything. If I have built all this, if I have created all this, then I will move towards what seems to me the best. I can talk to him to improve something. "
A responsible attitude gives you the strength to move on where you want to go. This is an opportunity to improve everything. In pairs, we are matched according to the principle of a mosaic, we match each other, we can be very useful to our partner, but only when we appreciate it in ourselves. When we delegate, share powers in the family team, then there is a lot of respect, then we can be very effective in what we do. Irina Udilova
Question to the psychologist:
Hello! My name is Yulia, I am 26 years old. My husband is 27 years old. Married for 7 years. Daughter is 4 years old. A month ago, we started a problem: my husband does not want physical contact. The husband does not kiss, does not hug, there is no intimacy. There is no mistress, since he is always at home, does not stay late at work and does not travel somewhere without me. Literally in August, he still admired me, flirted, said that he loved me. And everything went abruptly. He answers all my questions: everything is fine, I just don't want anything. He says that he has no problems. He says that perhaps everything will return, but when he does not know. Of course, in the end, I started to freak out, saying that I would leave him, get a divorce. To which he replied: if you want, get a divorce. But he does not directly say that he does not like. It seems to be necessary, does not want to leave and will worry if I leave.
We live with his parents. We have good relations. Today I talked to my mother-in-law, she of course told us everything that we, as children, are ruining a good family. As a result, my husband did not even try to tell me something ... He does nothing to improve relations. It hurts and hurts me. And I don't know how to get everything back.
Yesterday he told me that he is not afraid of losing me.
I love him very, very much I want to return everything, but I do not know how. I already said let's go for the sake of the child. And he keeps repeating that everything is fine, he just does not want contacts.
We have never had this, so I am in shock. It seems that he has decided everything for himself and that I do not speak, he just listens and that's it.
I also try to involve him in something in common. Rearrangement in the room, call to the cinema or just go somewhere to relax. He refuses everything. True, he agreed to go and choose a gift for his daughter for her birthday.
In general, it is clear from his behavior that he does not need me. All evening he sits in the online game "Tanks" and does not need anything else. I call him to a psychologist - he refuses.
My hands dropped. After all, we are still young, and I think there should not be such problems in the family yet.
He also says that he does not like that I am often unhappy and scream. Yes, of course I have a bad character. I say I will correct myself in order to improve relations, and in response he will be bored then. That is, he doesn't like it either way. Everything that is now completely suits him.
The psychologist Platonova Olga Valerievna answers the question.
Julia, hello!
Do I understand correctly, the situation lasts a month? Was everything all right before that?
Maybe something happened between you? If in August your husband showed interest in you, but now he ignores you. An incident that triggered such a reaction (stress, work, health, overwork, conflict)?
How much earlier did your husband become active?
And how much, how long has your husband devoted time to computer games?
Often, computer games are a departure from various everyday problems or when previously valuable things become insignificant, a loss of value, in this case, to relationships. Also, going into games, detachment can occur due to fatigue and, if there is no motivation, energy, and in the presence of problems of a different nature, then the easiest way is to get away from them.
I believe that in this situation you should change the tactics of your behavior: you are active, your husband is passive (there is a big difference between your states). Perhaps he is not ready for action now, and the more you are active, the more he withdraws. Try to lower the intensity, pause, start behaving in a new way, act slowly, without pressure.
Recently, quite often the representatives of the fair sex began to turn to psychologists with a sensitive question: “My husband does not want me. Does that mean he doesn't love it anymore? "
For a while, unwillingness to engage in an intimate relationship was considered a purely female problem. Meanwhile, the lack of sexual desire in men is a common natural phenomenon, which should not be scared.
the site will consider the main reasons for the lack of sexual desire in men and find ways out of this situation.
Intimate talk
If you notice that the man of your dreams has begun to show less attention to you sexually, try to talk to him, find out why he does not want sex. This must be done without scandals and tantrums, having calmly discussed everything. Perhaps you will find out what you did not know about.
There are two pitfalls to this conversation. Ask yourself questions:
- Are you ready to find out the truth about why a man does not want you? After all, this truth can drastically change life.
- Are you sure you don't like that your husband wants you less? In fact, the frequency of sexual intercourse, active sexual position is more imposed on us by modern society. We can be quite happy with infrequent sex or its temporary absence because at the moment the family is occupied with other things (a new job, a born baby, a new hobby that is so interesting that there is no thought of anything else), but, comparing ourselves with others , we easily suggest to ourselves: “Nightmare! It's all wrong with me! "
If you nevertheless made up your mind and had a conversation with your husband and identified some reasons, it is worth examining them in more detail.
Genetic issues and moral sacrifices
A man who has suffered from such problems always has difficulties in his sex life.
3% of men genetically have a weak sex constitution and low level of sexual activity ... Or, if a child's sexuality was suppressed, for example, by an overly strict, puritanical upbringing, or a child / teenager was forced to live in a same-sex environment for a long time, his sexual development is slowed down or develops in a homosexual direction.
Such men can have families, but experience difficulties of a physiological and psychological plan in sexual intercourse with a woman.
Exit: household psychology does not solve such problems, so it is worth contacting a sex therapist and psychologist. In this case, maximum patience and participation is required from the wife.
Past illnesses
There are many different diseases (not only sexually transmitted diseases), the complications of which affect the sexual performance of a partner. Such diseases can even include the flu, which a man suffered in adolescence and only now noticed its complication. What can we say about recent illnesses.
Exit: on suspicion of decreased libido don't ignore doctors. Persuade the man to see a specialist.
Mild neurosis
A heavy load of unresolved problems, anxiety about “will everything work out?”, The pressure of negative-minded people in especially impressionable and responsible men quickly complicates sexual activity.
Exit: elimination of the traumatic factor.
Temporary difficulties
Sometimes sex drive in men disappears due to sublimation, i.e. channeling sexual energy into more needed activities. Unlike neurosis, here the man does not experience negativity.
Examples of such activities can be: urgent work, a new hobby, the opportunity to realize their dreams (for example, money appeared to build a house).
Exit: at the end of the activity, sexual activity is getting better.
Age
It is known that with age it becomes difficult for a man to withstand the usual sexual stress. If the partner at this moment sets him high demands, the man will close, complexes will arise in him, he will avoid sexual contacts under any pretext.
Exit: it is important for a woman to really relate to the state of affairs. Tears, reproaches will not improve the condition. If your man is already old, and it is difficult for him to fulfill marital duties, discuss this moment with him, discuss the possibilities of using other methods of stimulation, which you will both sympathize with.
Family life crisis, unsatisfied sexual fantasies
If a man is uncomfortable with his wife, he is experiencing a crisis in family life, a rethinking of many values has begun, or sex with his wife has become monotonous (in the same position, on the same sofa, on old faded linen), many sexual fantasies have not come true in reality, the number of intercourse is also decreasing.
Exit: do not forget to communicate with the man. It seems to you that you have known him for ages and can predict any desire. But this is a delusion.
My husband doesn't want me: what to do? / shutterstock.com
Many men are embarrassed or do not consider it necessary to talk about their mental anguish, taking such behavior for weakness, because "men do not cry." Meanwhile, silence is destructive and quickly destroys a partnership.
Ask the man what he dreams of, what he wants to achieve, what he likes / dislikes in his life. Be his psychologist and faithful friend. Do not forget to talk about sex, ask what he would like, what he especially liked before and is absent now, whether it can be repeated.
Remember to support your married life as actively as you once worked to develop your relationship. Sex is not a conservative harmony that stands in one place, but a constant dialogue between two lovers.
Communication on the side
If a man who usually initiates sex suddenly becomes cold towards you, he probably has a passion on the side. It is difficult to constantly and efficiently work on two fronts, to satisfy the wife and mistress.
The main symptoms of such a connection can be groundless irritability towards you, ignoring your desires (especially in bed), avoiding frank conversations, “guilty gifts”.
Exit: if you are not afraid to find out the truth, it is worth talking to a man. Find out what the reason is: perhaps the "new relationship" is just a salvation from the above problems, and perhaps true love. What does he want to achieve? And in accordance with this, decide whether you want to continue the relationship with him or not.
The man does not know the problem, he cannot decide on the conclusion in any way
Sometimes it happens. None of us can be an accurate expert on ourselves. If you have not found a reason, you should not postpone the matter on the back burner. Also, this advice will be useful to those women whose men do not want to make contact.
Exit:
1. Go with a man for a physical
If he resists, go through a medical examination together, tell him that you care about the health of your family .. Operate with the fact that doctors recommend to undergo a medical examination once a year. So you can exclude or identify hidden or overt diseases, sexual dysfunctions men will also recognize his general condition.
2. Visit a psychologist
If a man does not avoid visiting a specialist, this is a good sign. Two heads are good, but three are better. Psycholo d will help you get to know both yourself and each other better. If a man protests against going to a specialist, you can go alone. In any case, this option will be more advantageous than just “go with the flow”.
3. Work on self-esteem
When the reason is not found out, you want to come up with anything you like, even suggesting to yourself that you are no longer interesting to him. That you have gained weight or, conversely, have lost a lot of weight, that you have wrinkles or you put on glasses, that cooking, cleaning is worse, your hairdresser has unsuccessfully cut your hair, etc.
It's so easy and so dangerous to blame yourself for everything. In fact, the years go by, and your man does not get younger over the years either. Don't underestimate your self-esteem. When taking care of his physical and mental health, do not forget about yourself.
Arrange for yourself holidays. Want to buy sexy lingerie (even if the husband is not interested in it) - buy it, it will come in handy. If you want to try a new haircut - take risks, men love brave women. You decide whether to start collecting porcelain dolls? Why not indulge yourself right now? Have money for a spa? Go there if you really want to - then you can. After all, you are at home alone.
Olga VOSTOCHNAYA,
psychologist