Family and relationships It makes a big difference: what to do if you and your husband do not have the same outlook on life. My husband and I have different views on life.
Hello dear experts, my name is Sergey. My situation is as follows. My wife and I have been together for a total of about 8 years. We are from one locality. We met right there, and almost immediately (about three months later) began to live together. They signed the truth only in 2011, when their daughter was born. To my great regret, I do not trust my wife, because there were many so-called "shoals" behind her, when there were direct reasons to suspect her of infidelity. All these "shoals" in the overwhelming majority arose due to the consumption of alcohol. If she drinks, then she cannot stop until she gets drunk to the "pig" state. Moreover, she can drink all night, and without going to bed until lunchtime, while she often leaves, even if she drank at our mother's house, at least I found her there. Unfortunately, that her mother, that her sister and her sister's husband also like to drink consistently every weekend, and when my wife is at her mother's place they drink together and then they all go to sleep, including some of our mutual acquaintances. Such spree can be every weekend and after two or three weeks, but practically there was not a single month without the appearance of her desire to "relax" with the help of alcohol. I won't say anything, I'm not an angel myself, sometimes I drink, but I try to do it as little as possible, and in the absence of such a desire from my wife, I would not consume at all, because even without alcohol you can have a good rest. I realized long ago that alcohol is not mine! Since the age of 15 I have been involved in sports, first kettlebell lifting, then gym, jogging, boxing. I like a healthy lifestyle, I tried to instill it in my wife, which unfortunately was not crowned with success, I do not smoke and have never smoked, my wife has been smoking since the age of 14. We live in a small village, 3 thousand people, where everyone knows each other. She is a teacher at the school, I am a municipal employee. Reputation plays a significant role in our professions, but for some reason my wife does not want to understand this. So, for example, in the latter case - her old friend from St. Petersburg came, invited me to take a walk, to which I reacted extremely negatively, and it came to a scandal. In the end, she all the same left, said that for a couple of hours, and my daughter and I stayed at home. As a result, a couple of hours dragged on until 7 am (she left at 12 am). Our nights at this time are not very dark, and by 5 pm it is already light. The bar where she walked is located not far from the house. She did not respond to all my calls, only a friend said when I called at 5 am that my wife would come soon. As a result, I woke up at 7 in the morning, she was gone. This angered me, and I saw that my daughter was still sleeping (at this time she is still fast asleep and wakes up very rarely) I went to this bar, near which I found my wife drunk on a blackboard with her friend and a couple of girls I knew and an incomprehensible young man and wandering side by side with the same drunken pupils from the school of the 10-11th grade and graduates. From there, after a little skirmish, I took her away and took her home, where I put her to sleep. But she waited until I fell asleep and ran away. I found her only at 2 o'clock in the afternoon with her mother, where she slept, and where the drunkenness of her sister, her husband, Setra and still it is not clear who continued. I tried to wake her up - it turned out that she was still drunk. By evening she returned home, but I did not hear any excuses from her, or excuses - only silence. To be honest, I was just furious and as a result, for the first time in 8 years, I went to spend the night with my parents. Three weeks have passed - we live in the same apartment, but we practically do not talk. Any conversations end with mutual accusations and reproaches, in response to my attacks about her behavior, I get from her that “how long ago I myself became correct” and that it was I who disgraced her in front of the whole village when I came and forcibly took her away drunk at 7 in the morning from the bar. Over the course of all 8 years, such situations have been repeated many times, and for some reason I constantly found myself to blame and I had to be the first to take steps of reconciliation, although she mainly created conflict situations. I myself try not to drink, especially with her in the same company, because often it ends in scandals, since she cannot stop and she needs to walk to the last. At the same time, her company in every possible way supports her in her aspirations. It’s not at home that they’re invited to the bar with them, and then everyone’s reveling at her sister and mother’s house. I just don't like this way of life, I saw enough of my father's drinking in childhood. Her father died of alcohol when she was 7 years old, but this does not prevent her from following his path ... Help, I don’t know what to do ... Thoughts about divorce come more and more often, but I’m afraid to leave the child with her! I'm afraid that my wife will make her a second person ... My family is not aware of all this, they do not insist on divorce, but my mother cites herself as an example - she has endured my father for almost 30 years, and all these 30 years he did what he wanted and did what he wanted, and this reminds me of my wife. I myself am a lawyer, I organize everything related to divorce and division of property, but most likely it will not do without the “buckets” of “family dirt” that has come out, which I don’t like most ... I don’t know what to do ... in myself that it becomes sickening to live. Help me please! My wife says that I am already obsessed with jealousy and anti-alcoholism, that I need to be treated. Maybe it's really all about me and I'm exaggerating everything too much, but I can’t perceive in any way how she behaves. We are both the first children in families, both are the first and are used to commanding, maybe this is another reason, but all 8 years this confrontation does not stop. A maximum of a month or two and all over again - new showdowns, etc. I'm tired of it already. I am 28 years old, my wife is 29, we have a difference of only 8 months. What keeps us together I don’t understand, but after one fine moment I start a dialogue again and remain guilty, again it seems like love and moments of reconciliation ... We are still young, maybe we should really divorce and part, but what about my daughter? For her, it is in any way an injury, even though she is only 2 years and 2 months old. Help, please tell me how to be? Tired already - morally exhausted already completely ...
People look at life differently and react differently to what is happening around them. How to achieve harmony in a marital union, if one of the spouses is a notorious pessimist, and the other is an ardent optimist? Or vice versa. But what if both spouses are of the same berry field?
Of course, in life one has to deal most often with an intermediate type of people, with realists. But what happens if there is a clearly expressed view of life in each of the spouses, and what do psychologists think about it?
Four options for combining worldviews
Option 1. Pessimist + Optimist
A woman who is inclined to be positive and believes that everything will definitely work out, even if so far everything is bad, it will not be easy with her husband, who is accustomed to always and in everything to see only the bad side.
Of course, pessimists are different. Quiet and melancholic discourage themselves on the sly, not bothering anyone, but there are real "aggressors" who live, sprinkling with bile the surrounding reality and grumbling on any occasion. It will hardly be possible to cope with this: after all, he not only capitulates himself in all directions, but also does not allow the optimist to "rise to the attack."
In the struggle for family happiness
An optimistic spouse can try to defeat the aggressor, deliberately starting to share his views and beliefs: “Everything is awful!”, “You are right: there is no money, and is not expected. Poverty awaits us! " Perhaps this approach will make him look at his own behavior from a different angle and, perhaps, understand how stupid his endless whining sometimes looks.
The “quiet” pessimist has a slightly higher chance of “re-education”. All that is needed is the great desire and faith of the "re-educator." An optimistic spouse of a pessimist should remember that any failure in life, including her husband's pessimism, is a temporary thing. For her, the phrase "life is a struggle" with the addition of the word "family" will be a kind of motto. Cheerful and cheerful, energetic and proactive, she will again and again "lift her husband from his knees", instilling in him confidence in his own strength. She will convincingly prove that the successful implementation of complex work, the invention of an original mousetrap and the capture of a three-pound crucian carp at the evening dawn are not at all random achievements, but a natural process.
Effectiveness
In general, in both cases, a person can be - not re-educated, of course, but - "reconfigured". Here you will need a sea of patience and an ocean of love: after all, as Vysotsky sang, "you cannot beat them, but they will not penetrate - explain!" In the end, if the reconfiguration of the pessimist fails, and you get sick of “explaining”, you can just spit on this matter and, as befits optimists, live and enjoy every moment. Moreover, it helps not to get sick.
Postscript: a drop of pessimism should be present even in the most optimistic person. He should understand that not everything can end the way he wants. Therefore, it is better to prepare for the worst, think over ways to protect yourself from the hardships of life - for example, from a pessimistic spouse ...
Option 2. Optimist + Pessimist
In this version, family well-being largely depends on the strength of the personality of the pessimistic half. A weak woman who is unable to “suppress” her husband has a disappointing prognosis, as they say. Always sad, unsure of herself, very suspicious, she does everything with despair in her thoughts - that when she gets married, that she gives birth to children, that she gets a job ... three times an optimist - with a problem, he will not cope. But with a strong woman, an optimist can live a long and somewhere even a happy life. If, of course, he is an optimist, he is docile, does not like quarrels, to whom it is easier to obey than to enter into confrontation.
In the struggle for family happiness
A man with healthy optimism and a strong character will fight like a fish on ice, trying to awaken in his wife the faith in the light, kind, eternal and optimistic - to pull her into the mountains and canoe trips, arrange friendly gatherings and intimate evenings - just to breathe into her a sense of the joy of life. And if this does not succeed, he will not despair, but will act even more actively. He believes that one cannot be depressed and oppressed all the time if there is a person nearby who has the joy of life. In cases of "moderate pessimism" it will work someday! It is more difficult with radical pessimists: their hopelessness seems to program one failure after another - and this is stress. And a big trouble already guarantees a full-scale depression.
Effectiveness
A man, even with healthy optimism, will quickly get tired if his girlfriend's pessimism is hopeless, and his attempts are fruitless. And then - remember what your name was!
An example of a married couple, where a woman is with a strong pessimistic character, and her husband is a quiet optimist-hard worker, was suggested by Pushkin in his "Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish". Always dissatisfied, grumpy wife: “You fool, you simpleton! Return to the goldfish ... "- and the henpecked husband, optimistic about the future and therefore obediently wandering to the seashore:" Have mercy, lady fish! .. "It is quite a viable option - if only the" old woman "still learns to appreciate what there is. And then each of them will be happy. Otherwise, they will return to the broken trough all the time! On the other hand, but together ...
Postscript: it is difficult for an optimistic man without a magical "pike command" to "cheer" Princess Nesmeyana, who always has a tear on the tips of her eyelashes. We must offer her an occupation in which, in principle, there is no place for a "sad outcome." For example, come up with an interesting hobby like “we travel around ancient cities, take pictures of sights in them and make an album for each”, start collecting something, etc. Such options are almost a win-win and it is possible that, thanks to positive emotions, pessimism will gradually begin to evaporate. And in addition, it will be good to more often remind your spouse of the positive moments of being that both of you enjoy.
Option 3. Optimist squared
This is the case when optimism is inexhaustible: after all, if one fails, the other has enough for two! Optimists are full of cheerfulness, and they actively share it with other people. Therefore, usually such a married couple is friendly and hospitable, and this adds more optimism and vitality to them!
In the struggle for family happiness
Perhaps, without realizing it, an optimistic husband and wife are doing a lot of what psychologists recommend for family well-being. They never bring home bad moods, troublesome problems, and sad prospects. In quarrels - and they are not uncommon among optimists - each of them to the last believes that his version will be accepted. But quarrels often end with the fact that each proposes to accept the other's option! It is easy for them in everyday life, both of them are convinced that it is possible to finish repairs, pay off the mortgage and catch a three-pound crucian carp at the evening dawn - and they strive to do this.
Effectiveness
Optimists are often unable to feel each other subtly! But their common sense of purpose and common belief in a happy ending are a solid enough foundation for a harmonious family life. Especially if both believe in love. And optimists most often believe!
It happens that optimists get divorced, but with a feeling of complete confidence that everything will be fine in the future, including with the ex-spouse.
And "double" optimism, turning everyone's rose-colored glasses into family binoculars with multiple "pink" magnification, sometimes leads a couple to underestimate the situation and make wrong decisions. But - optimists live longer because they always remember: "All diseases are from the nerves!" So, you don't need to be nervous - you need to look for other solutions, that's all.
Postscript: for the strength of the family union, optimists should more often do something together, together solve certain problems. It is the common goal and common belief in success that will help their union find true harmony and prosperity.
Option 4. Pessimist squared
This is also the case when the husband and wife are one, but not in the best sense. And where can the good come from, if in a family union, both "pull to the bottom": when one selflessly builds the "Titanic", the other enthusiastically writes "Mu-Mu!" When one, coming home, discontentedly, sadly reports that he accidentally found only a million on the street, but would like five, another sadly, displeasedly adds that the bills are some kind of rumpled ...
In the struggle for family happiness
Initially negative-minded people have a difficult life. They do not try to achieve anything - either individually or together - justifying themselves by the fact that it is, in general, pointless. When predicting the course of events, they invariably paint the perspective in black, with negative consequences. Good relationships in the family are based, first of all, on the coincidence of gloomy assessments of the surrounding reality.
Things at work for pessimists are often not in the best way - this is not necessarily so in reality, they just feel it this way, and, by the way, this feeling is brought home in the form of a bad mood, sad complaints and complaints about everything and everyone. Therefore, their social circle is very narrow. When life cracks, the pessimist falls into it. True, he does not experience any particular disappointment, since he foresaw such a result.
Effectiveness
"Double" pessimism rarely leads to a happy family union, because both "allies" dream of an ideal, both do not believe in it, and not finding it, they fall into depression. But, oddly enough, built on the "minuses", their alliances are usually long. But for this family of "sad image" any deviation from the negative scenario they foreseen is already a joy, and this is one of the few advantages "on which" spouses can build a happy marriage.
Postscript: despite the fact that, according to the laws of physics, "cons" repel, a couple of pessimists can only jointly decide and change themselves and the world around them. There are many ways. Which one to choose will be determined by the family council with a unanimously adopted agenda: “1. "We are all going to die" - pessimistic, but true. 2. One must live so that, when dying, there is something to remember! " If point 2 is adopted at such a council to lead life, it means that family relations can be changed for the better.
Do you dream of a happy family? Check your loved one on our list! Firstly, I sincerely do not recommend getting married in the first months of dating. Even if it seems that everything is fine and you finally found each other. You are in love and you just don’t think how much interesting observation in dynamics entails. Be patient for at least six months. Perhaps then you will not become the wife of a drunken alcoholic or a charming psychopath. Did you meet in the summer? Wait for the autumn aggravation, and a lot will fall into place. And at the same time you will have time to get answers to the questions below.
© Provided by: Passion.ru A person's value system depends on several factors: character, upbringing, life experience. She is a barometer that helps each of us to determine what is good for him and what is bad, it is the personal coordinate system that influences the behavior of a person and the decisions he makes.
When creating a couple, people check these systems - as a rule, at the beginning of a relationship they coincide, and partners get along well with each other. It so happens that views on life and values differ, but one of the couple has hope over time to "convert" the other to his faith. Example: "He did not want children with his ex, everything will be different with me." Also, the coordinate system can change with experience. Example: "Before my illness, I loved to hang out, but now I understand that the best investment of time and money is my own health."
Love will win if you choose the right strategy of behavior. Although in the modern world, parents' access to the privacy of children is limited, you are not immune from hostility between mom and boyfriend. She is sure that you deserve more, and he does not compromise and reconciliation. As a result, you are squeezed on both sides: your mother discourages you from hasty decisions, and the man demands proof of love. To get out of the trap and not lose your relationship, act like a diplomat.
What to do if you and your partner do not coincide (or have ceased to coincide - it so happens that views on life and values differ, but one of the couple has hope with the difference in worldview over time becomes a reason for conflicts - partners do not justify
What to do if you and your partner do not coincide (or have ceased to coincide - it so happens that views on life and values differ, but one of the couple has hope with the difference in worldview over time becomes a reason for conflicts - partners do not justify
© Provided by: Passion.ruOver time, the difference in worldview becomes a reason for conflict - partners do not live up to each other's hopes, and as a result, both experience stress. "I thought he would change after the wedding!" or "I thought she would become softer after giving birth" - that's from there. However, it is possible and necessary to cope with the mismatch of views on life.
Ask yourself
Can you come to terms with the fact that there is another value system in the family that is no less important than your own? For example, you cannot imagine that someone else lives in your house besides you and your husband. And in his childhood, the parental home was always wide open for relatives and friends. Will you be able to accept the fact that from time to time, for example, your husband's younger brother will live with you, his university friends will stay?
More dissimilar people than my husband and I are probably hard to find. I am a pronounced extrovert and pathological optimist. He is an introvert, sociopath and pessimist (although he prefers to call himself a realist). And oh, how sometimes it is difficult for us to be together. I have many friends, dozens of friends and more than 1000 Facebook friends. My husband has one best friend since school days, and the number of friends in his modest blozhik can be counted on the fingers (okay, on the fingers and toes). I like to communicate, get acquainted, talk about serious topics and chat about nonsense. The husband is not. To put it mildly, I'm not afraid to ask for help, to contact strangers.
What to do if you and your partner do not coincide (or have ceased to coincide - it so happens that views on life and values differ, but one of the couple has hope with the difference in worldview over time becomes a reason for conflicts - partners do not justify
The main thing is that outlooks on life coincide. And it doesn't happen with my husband that I want to go to a nightclub, and he to Lana's library, wow, this is the first time I meet such a couple who have such a big age difference. Tell me, and your husband does not prejudice you in desire.
© Provided by: Passion.ruTalk to him
Discuss with each other what seems important to you, do not be silent. Do not rely on the fact that your loved one will independently guess what exactly annoys or worries you, do not accumulate resentment.
And do not be afraid of confrontation - the phrase "In disputes, truth is born" is generally correct. The main thing is to treat other views of life with respect. Who knows - maybe his dislike of cleaning, when faced with your love of cleanliness, is transformed into a cozy creative mess that you both will enjoy?
Correct
Try to find a compromise. For example, in your understanding, vacation is the time that the family spends only together. And all his youth he rested only alone or with friends - and now he does not want to part with this habit. Perhaps the option when he spends his main and longest vacation with you, and a couple of little ones with friends, will suit both of you. But only honestly: if you agree, do not change your mind and do not nag, telling what you should have agreed to his vacation without you.
Fairy tales always have a happy ending, but not in real life. A wedding is just the beginning of a thorny, dangerous path on which every step can lead either to love and harmony, or to tears and disappointment. Many women commit the most reckless acts precisely at the beginning of family life: she was rude, forgot, did her own way, insulted. And after two or three years, the spouses decide that they are not suitable for each other. But is it really so? Ekaterina Fedorova, a psychologist and sex coach in Moscow, believes that it is simply worth learning to listen and hear. Rule 1.
What if you and your partner do not coincide (or have ceased to coincide - this also happens) on vital issues? However, it is possible and necessary to cope with the mismatch of views on life. Ask yourself. Can you come to terms with the fact that the family has another
I want to know public opinion: I and my husband are two opposites, completely different, with completely different views on life, we have Pts Angelica, I will also ask a difficult question: do you have your goals, desires, independent of the presence of a man / husband in your life? ?
© Provided by: Passion.ruAsk for help
There are issues on which a compromise cannot be found. For example, you want children in the near future, but your husband doesn't want them at all. You can't have half a child! It is difficult to find a common denominator in a situation where you dream of your own apartment in your hometown, and your husband dreams of moving to another country and a career as a musician. Balancing money can be tricky. There is nothing wrong with seeking help from a family psychologist. Sign up for a consultation - perhaps it will help to fit your personal principles into the general, family value system.
"A friend is flirting with my husband - what should I do?" ...
One of my closest friends seems to be attracted to my husband. No, she does not flirt openly with him. Perhaps she does not even realize that she pays too much attention to him, giggles stupidly in response to his every word, all the time following him with her eyes. Most likely, I would have taken it easier if I had not been afraid that one day, having drunk too much, she would begin to behave too frankly with him. She cheated on all her partners and, most likely, simply does not know how to control her instincts. To top it all off, she is also beautiful and sensual. I'm not sure there will be a man who can resist her.
Find a soul mate?
It is one thing, but quite another thing - different outlooks on life, different worldviews ... If one of the partners is lively and sociable, and the other is restrained and withdrawn, they, in principle, can get used to each other and even in the long run perfectly complement each other. But if, say, one adheres to liberal-democratic views on politics, and the other - patriotic, then "irreconcilable contradictions" may arise. After all, sooner or later, politics will definitely come up.Who among us does not dream of meeting our soul mate, "kindred spirit"? It is not for nothing that people indicate in profiles on dating sites that they would like to meet a person with similar interests. For example, if a man loves an active lifestyle, then it is clear that he wants a woman to go hiking or travel with him. If a person is an adherent of any religion or philosophical doctrine, then it is not surprising that he dreams of meeting a partner who shares the principles of this doctrine.
My close friend is. I, though baptized, am fond of esotericism, I believe in the law of karma. In general, the principles of Eastern philosophy are more close to me. On this basis, we constantly have skirmishes. My friend is trying to convince me that Christianity is the only true teaching. And I answer that I recognize him only as one of the many religions that exist on the globe. And that belief in God does not necessarily imply the observance of certain traditions and rituals. For example, from time to time I go to church, but I do not feel any need to take communion and confess ... And I don’t understand why I am worse than others if I don’t do it. And why do I have to be a Christian? .. Just because I live in Russia?
We are having heated discussions. However, we do not break up or think about ending the relationship. By the way: I have met a lot of men who were interested in esotericism as much as I am, but the relationship with them did not work out. Either they did not attract me, or I - them. By the way, my friend had the same thing - he met with Orthodox girls, but the relationship lasted no more than a few months. And our relationship has been going on for several years.
General declines, but does not oblige
Undoubtedly, common interests and outlook on life can, but this is not at all a guarantee that they will stay together. How many examples do we know of when couples that have a lot in common break up? Let's say, artists, musicians ... The reason may be competition: one of the partners thinks that the other is “overshadowing” him. Or one wants to have a real family, a home, and a partner has concerts, shooting, tours all the time ... As a result, a man finds a wife who does not understand anything about art, but she washes his clothes and cooks borscht well. Or a woman marries an ordinary manager who will at least come home from work at eight in the evening and take care of her ... Situations are not uncommon when partners, who seem to have a lot in common, suddenly realize that there is no main thing - real attraction, love ... And "they go all out." Often with people with whom there is nothing in common, but who are attracted to them sexually or emotionally.
How to “smooth out” the difference?
As you can see, community or nothing else is definitively determined. What if you realized that you are “too different”, and you don’t want to break up because of this relationship? Try to learn to respect each other's views. After all, an opinion about something else does not mean that a person is good or bad, or that he suits you or does not suit you. Especially if these views do not relate to personal relationships.
Don't bring up issues on which you disagree. Or discuss without getting personal. Do not try to win a person over to your side, do not put pressure on him, trying to radically change his worldview. This is more likely to cause negative emotions in him than lead to the result you want.
Find common ground. Even the most diverse people will definitely have them. Let's say you both love the same films or books, or you have the same sexual preferences, the same views on the relationship between a man and a woman, on a family ...
Try to see positive qualities in your partner. Ask him to tell you what he likes about you.
Remember that each person is an individual, and we are valuable precisely because we are so different.