Is such a person capable of friendship? Direction friendship and enmity methodical recommendations for preparation Is friendship based on vicious hobbies possible
Official commentary The direction aims at reasoning about the value of human friendship, about ways to achieve mutual understanding between individuals, their communities and even entire nations, as well as about the origins and consequences of enmity between them. The content of many literary works is associated with the warmth of human relations or the hostility of people, with the development of friendship into enmity, or vice versa, with the image of a person who is able or not able to value friendship, who knows how to overcome conflicts or sow enmity.
Methodological recommendations The proposed direction can be considered in different aspects: friendship between people, the meaning and value of friendly relations in human life; friendship and enmity between human communities and generations; friendship or enmity between peoples and the consequences of hostile relations; friendship between man and animal, etc. The very concept of "friendship" is one of the fundamental in the human outlook and in the system of human values. This is confirmed by the abundance of proverbs and sayings about friendship, aphorisms and catchphrases. Starting to reflect on the topic proposed in this direction, students can build their reasoning, relying on the statements and definitions known to them.
Conceptual processing In the dictionary of S. I. Ozhegov, the following interpretation of the words "friendship" and "enmity" is given: ENEMY - relations and actions imbued with hostility, hatred (irreconcilable enmity; nourish enmity). FRIENDSHIP - close relationships based on mutual trust, affection, community of interests (Long-standing friendship; friendship of peoples). In the dictionary of antonyms, these words are presented as an antonymic pair. Dictionaries of synonyms are represented by the following synonymous series: Synonyms of the word FRIENDSHIP - friendship, friendliness, benevolence, harmony, peace, harmony, familiarity, short acquaintance, twinning, (good) friendship, amicability, love, fraternization, unity, communication; friendship is sincere, hypocritical, doggy, close. Do that out of friendship. Be in a friendship, lead a friendship, break a friendship, make a friendship. Synonyms of the word ENEMY are antagonism, anger, ill will, dislike, hatred, hostility, discord, hostility, disagreement. Have a grudge against anyone. Nourish enmity.
What problems may sound in the wording of topics in the direction of "Friendship and enmity". These problems are indicated in the commentary to the direction
1. List of works by A. Pushkin "Dubrovsky"; "Eugene Onegin" ; "The Captain's Daughter", poems about friendship. 2. M. Lermontov "A Hero of Our Time"; poetry. 3. I. Turgenev "Fathers and Sons". 4. I. Goncharov "Oblomov". 5. L. Tolstoy "War and Peace". 6. B. Pasternak "Doctor Zhivago". 7. M. Bulgakov "White Guard". 8. M. Sholokhov "Quiet Don". 9. N. Dumbadze "I, Grandma, Iliko and Illarion"; "I see the sun." 10. V. Kaverin "Two Captains". 11. A. Pristavkin "A golden cloud spent the night." 12. Yu. Bondarev "Coast". 13. O. Gromova "Sugar baby". 14. E. M. Remarque "Three comrades".
Possible essay themes Is it true that life is nothing without true friendship? “My friends, our union is wonderful” (A. Pushkin) When can enmity turn into friendship? “There is nothing better and more pleasant in the world than friendship: to exclude friendship from life is the same as to deprive the world of sunlight” (Cicero) Is it possible to love friends for their shortcomings? “You are forever responsible for everyone you have tamed” (A. de Saint Exupery) Is everyone capable of friendship? What qualities does friendship reveal in a person? Friend and buddy - what's the difference?
Possible themes for essays “The most important thing in friendship is the ability to understand and forgive” (VP Nekrasov) Is it true that life is nothing without true friendship? “If you offend a friend, you will make an enemy, you will embrace an enemy, and you will find a friend” (Omar Khayyam) Do not be afraid of the enemies attacking you. Fear friends who flatter you! Why does enmity arise between relatives? Do you agree with Pechorin's statement that “of two friends, one is always a slave of the other”? There are no bad nations - there are bad people ... A friend is known in trouble?
Aphorisms and sayings of famous people Only a true friend can tolerate the weaknesses of his friend. W. Shakespeare. If you do not share with a friend in time - All your property will go to the enemy. Omar Khayyam Fulfilling the duties of friendship is somewhat more difficult than admiring it. Lessing Friendship should be a solid thing, capable of surviving all changes in temperature and all the shocks of that bumpy road along which sensible and decent people make their life journey. AI Herzen People on earth should be friends ... I do not think that it is possible to force all people to love a friend, but I would like to destroy the hatred between people. Isaac Asimov Friendship is like a treasury: you cannot learn more from it than you put into it. Osip Mandelstam
Friendship between people, the meaning and value of friendly relations in human life In Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin's poem dedicated to the Lyceum ("Memories in Tsarskoe Selo"), the concept of "friendship", which the poet repeatedly uses, has an even broader meaning than "friendship." This concept represents a special circle of friends, which, "like a soul, are inseparable and eternal", these are like-minded poets - the force that, in spite of everything, is able to support a person in the most difficult, sometimes seemingly insurmountable, trials of life. We can see this in such poems as “I. I. Pushchin "," October 19, 1825 "," To Chaadaev "," To Yazykov "," In the depths of Siberian ores ... ". In these works, a person who is part of the "poetic brotherhood" is ready for self-sacrifice, understanding and forgiveness in any situation, but isn't this an example of boundless friendship and devotion?
Alexander Sergeevich presents his attitude to the partnership to the reader through the images of the heroes of the novel "Eugene Onegin". Two "friends", Onegin and Lensky, in their communication show us that a friend is a very ambiguous and contradictory concept. In the end, we even begin to doubt whether Eugene and Vladimir are friends or enemies. In the dialogues of the heroes, the presence of the author is felt, he is not just a silent observer, he is a direct participant in the events, we catch his attitude to friendship in the conversations of the heroes. Friendship of Onegin and Lensky occurred, in the words of Pushkin himself, "from nothing to do." Indeed, they were completely opposite in character, with different life experiences, with different aspirations.
Mikhail Yuryevich Lermontov also speaks to us about a peculiar and exclusive attitude to friendship through the lips of the lyrical heroes of his poems. The main motive of this poet's work is loneliness. It is not easy for the characters of his lyrics to realize their detachment from the world, their eternal oblivion in the world of loneliness. But still the hero is ready to come to terms with his fate, realizing that he will not be able to find his like-minded person among the people around him. The theme of friendship is also heard in the novel A Hero of Our Time. Is friendship possible in Pechorin's life, and how does the protagonist understand it? “Friendship, friendship, - we read in V. Dahl's“ Explanatory Dictionary of the Living Great Russian Language ”, - mutual affection of two or more people, their close connection; in a good sense, disinterested, persistent affection, based on love and respect ... ”We see such affection in the ingenuous staff captain - the first who tells us about Pechorin. Despite the fact that Maksimych considers him a strange person and clearly does not approve of how Grigory acts with Bela, he is attached to Pechorin and considers him his friend: "We were friends", "there were bosom friends." Maksim Maksimych's ideas are not justified.
The theme of friendship is most clearly revealed in "A Hero of Our Time" in relations with Werner. Perhaps Pechorin could have developed a friendship with the doctor, they are so similar in many ways. From the minute that Werner and Pechorin "distinguished a friend in the crowd," their relationship for others is so reminiscent of her. "Werner is a wonderful man," the protagonist knows the strengths and weaknesses of the doctor perfectly. What brought the two together? "We are pretty indifferent to everything, except ourselves", "we soon understood a friend and became friends." But are they capable of friendship? Grigory denies true friendship, friendship does not exist in Pechorin's life, since it requires self-forgetfulness, openness, trust - everything that the main character of the novel does not have. He says that "of two friends, one is always a slave to the other," and, quite possibly, this is not a conviction, but a desire to hide the inability to let anyone into your heart.
In the novel, the epic War and Peace, friendship appears before us as one of the most important values in life. We see the friendship of Nikolai Rostov and Denisov, Natasha and Princess Marya, Andrei Bolkonsky and Pierre Bezukhov. The relationship of the last two heroes is the most deeply researched by the writer. With the difference in characters and temperaments, we see the intellectual community of these people, their similar attitude to life. For Prince Andrew and Pierre, internal reflection, the eternal search for truth, the meaning of life are characteristic. They support a friend in times of mental crisis. So, Bolkonsky is worried about Pierre when he begins to revel in Dolokhov's company. Pierre also supports Prince Andrew after the death of his wife and his disappointment in "his Toulon". It is Pierre who tells him that "we must live, we must love, we must believe." Thus, friendship and love, according to the writer, is something worth living for.
In the novel Oblomov, I. A. Goncharov created images of two people, each of whom is in many ways a typical representative of a certain circle of people, an exponent of ideas that were close to the corresponding strata of contemporary society. Andrei Stolts and Ilya Oblomov, at first glance, seem to have nothing in common, except for the memories of childhood games. And yet, no matter how one evaluates these characters in Goncharov's novel, it is impossible to deny that they are connected by a sincere, disinterested friendship. Their sincere, warm attitude to a friend is rooted in the fact that both Stolz and Oblomov are inherently worthy people, endowed with many high spiritual qualities. They are necessary for a friend, because they complement the friend so successfully, they find one in the other that which is not in oneself.
A. Saint-Exupery speaks about friendship right on the first page of his fairy tale "The Little Prince" - in dedication. In the author's system of values, the theme of friendship occupies one of the main places. Only friendship can melt the ice of loneliness and alienation, since it is based on mutual understanding, mutual trust and mutual assistance. On earth, the little prince learns the real truth that the Fox revealed to him: people can be not only indifferent and alienated, but also needed by a friend, and someone for someone else can be the only one in the whole world, and a person’s life “will shine like the sun” if something will remind of a friend, and that will also be happiness.
The theme of friendship and enmity in the war The titles of many of K. Simonov's poems speak for themselves: "Fellow soldiers", "Comrade", "Death of a friend", "To a distant friend", "House of friends", "My friend died ...", "Friendship the real one does not age ... ". In the works of K. Simonov, a kind of poetic image of friendship is created, its moral code, a friendship that is demanding, but faithful, one that "does not sway from the winds during life, the death of one of the two ends." In A. Tvardovsky's poem "Vasily Terkin" and in many of the poet's lyric works, the theme of friendship, responsibility for comrades, memory is heard. The theme of the importance of friendship, verification of friendship in difficult circumstances, a person's needs for a real friend are heard in many poems by V. Vysotsky: stranger to unfamiliar night ... "," Song about a friend "," He did not return from the battle. " The problem of front-line brotherhood, comradeship, friendship sounds in the stories of N. Gogol "Taras Bulba", B. Vasiliev "And the dawns here are quiet ...", M. Sholokhov "They fought for their homeland" and others.
The theme of friendship between man and animal. Relations between man and nature and with its objects can be harmonious, complementary, and can be destructive, and only man is to blame for this. In many works of Russian and foreign literature, the theme of friendship between man and animal is touched upon. G. N. Troepolsky "White Bim Black Ear". A. P. Chekhov "Kashtanka". AI Kuprin "White Poodle" Daniel Pennack "The Eye of the Wolf".
The theme of enmity and its consequences As an antithesis to the theme of friendship, the theme of enmity and its destructive consequences sounds in Russian and world literature. Enmity is destructive both for individuals and for entire nations. A piercing note sounds the thought of the meaninglessness and unnecessaryness of enmity and war in Leo Tolstoy's epic "War and Peace", in "Don Tales" and "Quiet Don" by MA Sholokhov, in the novel "Defeat" by AA Fadeev ... There is nothing more senseless than enmity between people, no matter how high ideas it may be justified.
The story of AI Pristavkin "A golden cloud spent the night" about the terrible consequences of the Stalinist deportation of the inhabitants of Checheno-Ingushetia to foreign lands - to Siberia, Kazakhstan. The work is dedicated to the theme of war childhood, homelessness, deportation of peoples under Stalin. The main idea is that the happiness of one people cannot be built on the misfortune of another. Sasha Kuzmin, one of the twins, is being killed by Chechens who managed to escape Siberian exile and hide in the mountains. These people take revenge on those who have now occupied their homes and cultivate their land. This sore subject - the tragedy of the deported peoples - vibrates in the book of AI Pristavkin with a special sound. But despite hatred and death, ordinary people are ready to help and support a friend. So, in Kolka's heart, the place of Sashka's murdered brother was taken by a Chechen boy Alkhuzur. Adults are at war with each other - children fraternize! A. Pristavkin tells about saving, uniting, helping to survive in incredibly difficult conditions in his story.
The enmity has never been constructive, it has never solved either personal or global human problems. In "The Lay of Igor's Regiment" Svyatoslav pronounces the "golden word", condemning Igor and Vsevolod, who violated feudal obedience, which aroused enmity, led to a new attack on the Russian lands by the Polovtsy. led to enmity and many troubles for the former neighbors. Hostile envy Shvabrin more than once threatened the life of Pyotr Grinev, the hero of “The Captain's Daughter.” In Shakespeare's “Romeo and Juliet,” the feud between families ended in the death of the main characters.
Summing up the analysis of the works presented in this direction, it is worth noting once again that friendship is a type of stable individually selective interpersonal relations, characterized by sympathy and mutual affection. Friendship presupposes mutual understanding, frankness, openness, trust, active mutual assistance, interest in the affairs and experiences of a friend, sincerity and disinterestedness of feelings. The strength of friendship depends on the commonality of goals, interests, ideals, intentions, value orientations. Friendship is especially characteristic of adolescence. Friendship has a constructive character, while its opposite, enmity, is a destructive and destructive character.
sources http: // 7 oom. ru / powerpoint / fon-dlya-prezentacii-bloknot-07. jpg sheets https: // www. google. ru / search? q =% D 0% B 5% D 0% B 3% D 1% 8 D & newwindow = 1 & source = lnms & tbm = isch & sa = X & ved = 0 ah. UKEwj. O 5 t 7 kk. KDPAh. XKEyw. KHc 7 s. BIQ_AUICSg. C & biw = 1352 & bih = 601 # newwindow = 1 & tbm = isch & q =% D 0% B 5% D 0% B 3% D 1% 8 D +% D 0% BB% D 0% BE% D 0% B 3% D 0% BE% D 1% 82% D 0% B 8% D 0% BF & imgrc = Qh. IRugc 5 LIJ 5 EM% 3 A http: // www. uon. astrakhan. ru / images / Gif / 7 b 0 d 3 ec 2 cece. gif compass http: // 4. bp. blogspot. com / -DVEvd. RWM 3 Ug / Vi-Nn. LSuu. XI / AAAAGPA / 28 b. VRUfkv. Kg / s 1600 / essay-clipart-24 -08 -07_04 a. jpg student http: // effects 1.ru / png / kartinka / 4 / kniga / 1 / kniga_18 -320. png books Guidelines for preparing for writing the final essay in the 2016/2017 academic year for teachers of the Russian language and literature - Stavropol, 2016 .-- 46 p. The compiler of the presentation is a teacher of Russian language and literature MBOU secondary school № 8, Mozdok, North Ossetia-Alania Pogrebnyak N. М.
Friendship.
The problem of friendship, true and false, the role of friendship in human life. What does true friendship mean?
As a child, I thought that my "adult life" would be in a different environment, completely different people would surround me, nothing would be left of the present. But in fact, my peers stayed with me. Friends of youth turned out to be the most loyal, everlasting. The circle of acquaintances has grown a lot, but real friends are old. True friends are made in youth.
How should you treat your friends? What is true friendship for?
D.S. Likhachev. "Letters about the good and the beautiful."
What does it mean to be friends? What unites people? How do people choose friends? What is real friendship? What's the difference between friends and buddies? What role does friendship play in a person's life?
M.Yu. Lermontov "A Hero of Our Time"
Friendship plays an important role in a person's life, because a friend is a person who will always be there, help in trouble, share sorrow and joy. Life has repeatedly pitted Pechorin, the protagonist of the novel by M.Yu. Lermontov's "A Hero of Our Time", with people who treated him in a friendly way. We know of at least three such people from the novel. For example, Maxim Maksimych treated him like a son, Dr. Werner understood him perfectly, Grushnitsky shared the most intimate and saw in him an example to follow. With each of these people, he could build strong friendships. However, he refused to believe in friendship: he believed that in friendship one person is always the slave of another, and he did not want to be either a slave or a master. This attitude towards friendship made him a lonely person and did not allow him to be sincere with these people. His indifference made these people disappointed in him. If Pechorin was open and appreciated those around him, then his fate could have turned out differently. Sometimes it's so important to hear friendly advice and to feel supported. In his life, this support was not there, so he died somewhere far away, all alone.
In a willing herd, the wolf is not terrible.
Friendship conversation
We are talking with a person with decades of positive friendship experience
How and when did friendship come about?
Friendship appeared from the beginning of the inception of human relations, when people, experiencing mutual sympathy, deepened their communication ties, imbued with trust in another, experiencing positive feelings for him.
Why does humanity need friendship?
Without companionship, the palette of human communication would be immeasurably poorer. People could not help each other on the basis of knowledge and a positive attitude towards this person, develop their sensory sphere, receive a response to their requests, share experiences and problems, accept help from a friend.
What is friendship? What does it consist of?
Friendship is a manifestation of the unity of man with man. The most important subjects of friendship are the friends themselves. It is on them that the character, time, depth, orientation of friendly relations, their content and form depend. There is a community of emotional-sensory, motivational-value components, harmony of needs, interests, desires, views, communicative characteristics, principles of similarity and complementarity of each other.
How to determine if you are friends with a person or just chat?
In the modern world, a person enters into an abundance of communication ties, but not all of them are friendly. The overwhelming majority of them are very superficial and even if they are colored positively, they may not be a relationship of friendship. Friendship is determined by the depth, duration and powerful psychological unity of the friends. It implies commitment and dedication to a friend.
What is friendship for you (personal experience of friendship)?
Friendship is the most valuable source of knowledge of the world, people, help if necessary, just emotional support at times. Sometimes it is friends who will help in a way that relatives cannot help. After all, relatives are not chosen, but we find friends ourselves. Over time, friends become dearer to relatives. Finding a friend, being friends with him for a long time is a great communicative and human wealth. My many decades of "friendship" experience shows that this is more than wealth, it is happiness. Happiness of intellectual and moral and moral unity, spiritual interpenetration, doubling of spiritual warmth, a feeling of continuity, immeasurable kindness, help in overcoming life's adversities, consonance of subtlety and grace in the manifestation of feelings.
What is more important in friendship: give or receive?
Here balance, measure is needed. A more mature friendship is based on the joy of giving, although it accepts a friend's gifts with gratitude. But it happens that receiving is more significant, which is usually typical for children's and youthful relationships.
Do you need to maintain friendship? Or is it a natural process and should be spontaneous?
Of course, friendship is a very subtle and valuable phenomenon and needs constant care and attention. It is necessary to preserve friendly relations, constantly improve them, bring new resources and facets to friendship, so that friends will be interesting together for many years. However, there are situations when friendship has already exhausted itself. This can be due to many reasons. In these cases, people often cling to an already burdening relationship, fearing that after parting, they will no longer be able to find new friends.
Do situations occur after which friendship is impossible?
Much here depends on the characteristics of the specific friendly relations themselves. But most often the friendship ends due to betrayal, a qualitative change in the structure of the personality of one of the friends.
How to learn to be friends?
This art is comprehended by a person throughout his life. Growing up, gaining experience, a person often becomes more careful in terms of maintaining important relationships, feeding them, paying attention to a friend and his needs. He finds more and more options for helping a friend, his support, he is more happy and appreciates friendly attention. The art of friendship is based on love for people and the world, respect for the individuality of another. Such a person himself will generously give friendly warmth and will gratefully receive it from another.
How to choose the right people for friendship or should they appear by themselves?
In childhood, openness to the world, spontaneity are very great and the child usually quickly finds acquaintances who can eventually become his true friends. Later, it is more difficult for a person to get along with people, and the process of selecting friends is more complicated and slower. Already by adolescence, the question of choosing friends is understood and is usually acute. There are many requirements and conditions for friendship, and finding a friend can be one of the most significant. Sometimes it takes a long time to reach the desired relationship with a certain person, but it happens that life brings people together, and they become friends.
Are there character traits, in your opinion, that unite people who know how to be friends and who cannot?
With a variety of personal manifestations of friends, one can distinguish common features characteristic of those who know how to be friends: this is openness, trust in the world and people, the need to give, the manifestation of concern for another, the absence of greed, creativity, the ability to change, psychological flexibility. Accordingly, opposing traits push people away from each other.
What should be sacrificed for the sake of friendship, and what should not?
All the same, in this case, the concept of "victim" is not entirely appropriate. It more characterizes a person's unwillingness to give anything. If he gives, then he “tears away” from himself, is attached to it and because of this he experiences torment. A friend, by virtue of the need to give, can do a lot for his friend, but with joy, realizing that he himself will be better from this.
Is today's friendship different from how people were friends in the past?
Probably, the content side of friendship changed under the influence of historical, ethnic, ethical innovations, but in general, the general mood of friendship remained. The form of friendly relations has changed more.
How will the future change friendship?
Again, the form will change more, and the content is designed to meet the timeless humanistic principles of relations. As our life changes, so does friendship, but its deepest center - love for a friend and union with him - remain unchanged.
Thanks!
Help your friend out, but teach yourself.
How many times have each of us pondered over the seemingly simple question "What is friendship", an essay-reasoning about which is presented to the attention of the reader. This text reveals the secrets of long-term friendship, when, at a difficult moment in life, a person realizes who is a true friend and who is just a self-serving friend. Do not betray your friends, share your material and spiritual wealth with them.
What is friendship? In a sense, it is a kindred spirit. If people understand each other perfectly, if they live by common interests, are always ready to support, defend the position of their friend in front of his opponents, then all this taken together is friendship.
For example, childhood friendship is strong. Acquaintance in the sandbox, developing into a real friendship, can last for years or even decades. The bonds of such friendship can be stronger and more reliable than those of kin. Childhood friends are valuable for the sorrows and joys experienced in the process of growing up, successes and failures, meetings and separations. Tested by time, they are always distinguished by special dedication and loyalty.
Friendship in a person's life takes pride of place next to love. If among the many people around you, acquaintances, friends and even relatives there is at least one real friend - take care of him like the apple of your eye. Everyone wants to have friends, but not everyone knows how to be friends. Therefore, treat others the way you want to be treated, and everything will work out. Unfortunately, by nature, or perhaps due to upbringing, most people tend to exaggerate personal dignity, while belittling the dignity of others.
Reflections on friendship suggest that friendship exists at all. In the modern world, eternal laws and concepts have become so devalued that sometimes it seems unrealistic to meet true love or true friendship. And yet it is there.
Sadly, but more often people are united by grief than joy. Memories of the war are an excellent confirmation of this. Human kindness, support, mutual assistance saved many lives in the war. Yesterday, a stranger became a family member when, standing shoulder to shoulder, soldiers repulsed an enemy attack or shielded each other with their breasts, performing a heroic feat in the name of peace, happiness, friendship and endless love.
A friend is known in trouble - and this wise folk proverb perfectly characterizes the actions and conscience of a person in an extreme situation. A loyal friend, even to his own detriment, will help solve any problem. Will never leave a friend alone with his grief. It's easy to rejoice together: celebrate the holidays, relax in nature with barbecue, cheer for your favorite team. It is worth a lot to be there in difficult times. This is inherent only in a devoted friend, very faithful, reliable, experienced in various life troubles.
Friendship and betrayal often go hand in hand. The worst thing in life is when a person you trust betrays. Even if it concerns little things, something insignificant and not so important. The one who is capable of betraying in little will betray in big too. No one can forgive betrayal - neither a loved one, nor a friend, no matter how hard it may be.
Protect your friendship. Carry it carefully throughout your life, like a spark of God. Don't let vicious temptations extinguish her. Do not trample with distrust, do not scourge betrayal. Also, do not leave friends either in sorrow or in joy. Divide into everyone the last crust of bread and one great happiness!
Research shows that friendship helps us maintain mental and physical health: it improves immunity, maintains normal blood pressure, reduces the risk of dementia in old age, and even the risk of sudden death. But even with your best friends, interactions can suddenly get nauseatingly stressful. Journalist Carlene Flora described the different types of toxic relationships and explained where problems with friends come from and why it's not always a bad thing. T&P publishes the translation.
Carlin Flora is a journalist and former editor of Psychology Today. Has published in Discover, Scientific American Mind and others. She is the author of Friendfluence, which was published in 2013.
Remember the last time you sat opposite your best friend and felt that she knows you perfectly and, most importantly, really understands you. Perhaps you have felt that she awakens the best qualities in you, in her presence you succeed in the most sensible remarks and the wittiest jokes. She inspired you. She always listened carefully, found hidden patterns in your behavior, and then carefully guessed how you can change everything for the better. You loved to gossip about mutual acquaintances, from time to time indulged in memories of joint adventures. You willingly delved into your favorite topics, exchanged half-hints that were barely understandable to those around you, and easily deciphered significant euphemisms in each other's speech. Perhaps you even know the pleasant feeling of admiration for your friend, which was accompanied by a sense of pride from the realization of your resemblance to her. The person about whom you had a very high opinion, mutually appreciated you very much - of course, this brought a feeling of deep satisfaction and happiness, literally fed you with energy.
Such friendship fills us with spiritual strength, shapes our personality, and sometimes it can change our destiny. This relationship has repeatedly been under the microscope of social scientists - thus it turned out that they help us maintain mental and physical health: good friends improve immunity, stimulate creativity, maintain normal blood pressure, reduce the risk of developing dementia in old age and even the risk of sudden of death. So if you feel that you cannot live without friends, not only sentimentality speaks in you, but also common sense.
But even the deepest and kindest friendship, like almost any human relationship, can be darkened by conflict, resentment and tension. The charm can disappear from it irrevocably, it can even completely disappear for some sad reason or without a single reason at all. But there are also not so useful types of friendship: sometimes in a relationship that began on a positive note, conflict increases every day, and in critical cases, friendship can be initially painful, toxic. Good friends make us happy, but even they demand a lot in return. If you look closely, friendship is a much more confusing and ambiguous kind of relationship than is commonly thought.
For the first time, harsh reality cast a shadow on the cloudless concept of friendship when sociologists became convinced that friendly sympathy is mutual only half the time. This information is shocking to many: the same studies claim that we tend to knowingly assume that our friends almost always share our feelings. Can you guess who from your friends list would not have added you to a similar list?
One of the reasons for the imbalance is that friendship is often socially desirable: research among adolescents shows that they want to be friends with popular people, and they often demonstrate selectivity (and thereby upset the balance of reciprocity). One recent piece of evidence comes from a 2012 article by Stephen Strogatz in The New York Times. According to his observations, our friends on Facebook, on average, always have more friends than we ourselves. They also say that friendship is salvation from a world obsessed with updating statuses. Here's your salvation!
Scientists also distinguish an ambivalent type of friendship - mutual dependence and conflict are inherent in it. If you have such a friend in your life, he simultaneously gives you both positive and negative feelings. For example, when you see his name on a smartphone screen, you think twice before answering a call. This kind of relationship is very common. Each of us has a network of socially important contacts, and, according to statistics, there are about 50% of ambivalent characters in it. In fairness, it should be said that these are most often family members, not friends (after all, you can't get rid of relatives so easily). Nevertheless, this is another stone in the garden of the "unsullied" concept of friendship.
But even those friends whom you boldly call faithful, reliable and interesting people can darken your life if at least one less attractive one is added to these qualities. Through sociological research, we know very well that a depressed friend is more likely to persuade you to share his depression, an obese friend to gain excess weight, and with friends who smoke or drink a lot, you will drink and smoke more.
In some cases, “good” friends develop goals, habits, or values that don't match ours. Of course, these people did nothing wrong to us. But over time, they cease to be part of the group that defines our social identity and / or helps us solve urgent problems. Staying with them, we swim against the tide.
All the annoying effects of conflicting ambivalent friendships include real harm to our health. In 2003, scientists Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University and Bert Uchino of the University of Utah conducted a collaborative study asking participants to put on a portable blood pressure monitor and record their interactions with people during the day. The readings of the devices claimed that blood pressure when communicating with ambivalent friends was higher than during truly friendly and even openly hostile communication. This is probably due to the fact that such a relationship is largely unpredictable, and therefore forces us to be on the alert all the time: "Is Jane going to ruin everyone's Christmas evening again?" In addition, ambivalent relationships are associated with such unpleasant phenomena as impaired reactivity of the cardiovascular system, premature cellular aging, low stress resistance and a general deterioration in well-being.
However, in one of the cases, researchers of ambivalent friendship came up with unexpected results: it turned out that it has a beneficial effect on the work process. Scientists have found that ambivalent colleagues tend to put themselves in the shoes of another more often than usual, in part because there is always room for uncertainty in such relationships and the person is trying to understand what they really are. In addition, ambivalent friendships add insecurity, which in turn makes people work harder to gain a foothold in their position.
Pseudo-friends, or friend-foes, are another kind of conflicting relationships between people. But in this case, contrasting feelings are neatly layered on top of each other: friendliness over rivalry or dislike, as opposed to an ambivalent connection with her explosive cocktail of love, hate, irritation, pity, affection, disgust, tenderness, and a couple more unpredictable ingredients. Many of us know firsthand about the powerful motivating power of having such an enemy friend in the office, not to mention romantic or parent-child relationships in which this power can be destructive.
Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, and so are unhappy friendships: there are countless reasons why a friend might be "unfavorable" to you. A couple of American researchers, Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist from Denver, and Sharon Livingston, a psychologist and marketing consultant from New York, delved into this topic. Typical signs of an “unfavorable” friendship they have found are: a bad friend makes you feel competitive with other friends; she talks about herself much more often than you; she allows herself to criticize you downright, but is immediately defensive if you criticize her in return; during communication, you get the feeling that you are walking on thin ice, because at any moment you can provoke an outburst of her anger or disapproval; the so-called emotional swing prevails in relationships: today she can be responsive and benevolent, and the next day she pulls back and behaves as if you barely know each other.
In 2014, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University (Pittsburgh) found an interesting correlation when studying the social lives of healthy women over 50. It turned out that if the volume of negative episodes increased in their relationships with others, the risk of developing hypertension in them also increased. Negative social interactions - for example, overwhelming demands and criticism from others, disappointment, "exchange of pleasantries" - led to the fact that the occurrence of hypertension in the subjects became 38% more likely. But in men, there was no connection between negative communication and high blood pressure. This is probably due to the fact that women in general are more concerned with relationships between people and they are socially predisposed to pay more attention to them.
Negative communication also contributes to the onset of inflammatory processes in the body - in both women and men. Such data was obtained in the course of her research by Jessica Chiang, a researcher at the University of California (Los Angeles). According to her findings, accumulated social stressors, like real toxins, are capable of causing physical harm to a person.
Those friendships that are destined to be the most painful in our lives often start on a positive note and only then turn into a nightmare. For example, a recent study among adolescents showed that people who were linked by friendship in the past are 4.3 times more likely to express mutual aggression on the Internet than just acquaintances. In other words, sociological statistics agree with Diane de Poitiers (the favorite of the French king Henry II), who in the 16th century asserted: "To get hold of a standing enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike."
Another slippery slope on which friendship can unexpectedly turn, described the writer Robert Green in the book "48 Laws of Power." Friendly help in finding a job, he warns, can lead to the fact that your relationship gradually turns from good to bad. This is due, in particular, to the peculiarities of the emotional reaction that such serious favors provoke.
Oddly enough, it is the act of your kindness that can throw a relationship out of balance. People want to feel that their success is deserved. A friendly favor can lead to depressing thoughts: “What if I was only chosen because of my connections? Perhaps I am not worthy of this place at all? " A condescending attitude, which is easily suspected of a sympathetic friend, can seriously hurt self-esteem. The trauma will not immediately make itself felt, but gradually there will be more rude directness in the relationship, there will be outbursts of discontent and envy - and before you have time to understand something, the friendship will end.
"So what - can directness and selfless help destroy true friendship?" - you ask. On the one hand, this statement challenges the ideals of absolute openness and boundless generosity, essential attributes of genuine companionship. But on the other hand, it seems that this is where the key to the clue is hidden, why friendship can be favorable, and ambivalent, and harmful, and even move from one state to another.
In his 1971 paper, The Evolution of Mutual Altruism, evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers summed it up: "Every individual tends to exhibit a tendency toward both altruistic behavior and cheating." By cheating, we mean a conscious intention to give in a relationship at least a little less or take at least a little more than our friend would take or give in a similar situation.
Trivers explains that evolution has made us artful cunning crooks. The complex mechanism of our psyche helps us to detect those who cheat too openly, and to notice when we ourselves become too generous. Trivers writes:
“A rude rogue will not reciprocate, and the altruist will receive absolutely nothing as a reward for his generosity ... Obviously, in this case, natural selection will have an extremely negative attitude towards the rogue. Dodgy scam, on the other hand, implies a certain degree of reciprocity. This art consists in giving less than you receive - or, more precisely, giving less than your partner would give in the opposite situation. "
Perhaps it is this balance between selfishness and altruism, with averages approaching a 50/50 ratio, that explains many of the other 50 percent metrics that pop up in friendship studies. Let's remember: only 50% of friends have mutual sympathy, our social networks are 50% of ambivalent relationships. Even the average person is able to recognize a lie only 50% of the time. Evolution made us insightful just enough not to let ourselves be fooled, but at the same time saved us from the inevitable torment that life in a world of absolute harsh truth would bring with it. This leaves us with a loophole for compliments and lies in salvation. Similarly, we are able to recognize cheating on the part of friends, but still not too masterly, otherwise we would risk completely losing faith in people and any desire to maintain friendly relations. Nature has kept the perfect balance - 50/50.
Psychologist Jan Jager conducted a survey for his book When Friendship Hurts (2002) and found that 68% of respondents had experienced betrayal of friends. Who are these heartless traitors? Why are there so many? However, with the figure of 68% - maybe not "them", but "us"?
This chilling thought made me wonder: Are we really making an effort to forgive petty wrongs? Express dissatisfaction before it builds up and forces you to end the relationship forever? Find time for a long-awaited meeting? To recognize the right of another person not to agree with us in everything? Are we really trying to give generously instead of keeping score? Are we putting pressure on our friends with our unjustified expectations? Is it true that we do our best to keep the friendship? Well, maybe most of our friends think of themselves that way too. And if they act unfriendly or are carried away from each other by the natural flow of life, perhaps we should accept that and not label a toxic relationship that we simply no longer want to maintain.
When a relationship ends at the initiative of a friend or he disappears from our lives without any explanation, it can be excruciatingly painful. And although it is no secret that the circle of social contacts shrinks as we grow older, for some reason we still believe that friendship is forever. Breaking up friendships forces us to rethink our own vision of life and ourselves, especially if a friend has been around for many years. While the fresh wound throbs with pain, we hasten to brand him or her as a traitor.
But sometimes we have to leave a friend to become ourselves. In her book Connecting in College (2016), sociology professor Janice McCabe states that breaking friendships early in adulthood is an important part of personal development. We inevitably form our individuality and self-awareness based on our environment: either we strive for certain people, or we push off from them.
While we should all take a detached view of our friendly behavior and acknowledge our responsibility for the conflicts that sometimes arise in relationships, there are still aspects of friendship that are beyond our control. For example, a large number of mutual friends and acquaintances can become the cornerstone in an ambiguous situation. Let's say your friend has crossed the line, but you do not want to disturb your whole company with your conflict and therefore do not publicly announce that you no longer want to deal with her. You just move away from her, but gently, so as not to cause open confrontation and do not force mutual acquaintances each time to choose which of you to invite. In such cases, we remain chained to "bad" friends forever.
The laws that dictate to us with whom to keep close and whom to let go of ourselves sometimes remain a mystery even to ourselves. Think about it: do you have acquaintances who are very nice to you, but with whom you have not seen for several years? And vice versa: are there not in the closest circle of those with whom you have never really found a common language? Perhaps the first ones put you on the list of "bad" friends at this very minute.
Facing toxic friendships, painful breakups and disappointments, we experience tremendous stress that can cause us not only psychological, but even physical harm. But you must admit that not having friends at all is an even sadder fate. A child will always desperately look for a partner to play, a teenager - someone who "truly understands", and an adult - someone with whom you can sincerely share the joy of success and the bitterness of failure.
Loneliness can be as painful as hunger or thirst. John Cacioppo, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, discovered a link between loneliness and problems such as depression, obesity, alcoholism, cardiovascular problems, sleep disorders, hypertension, early development of Alzheimer's disease, and a cynical view of the world and ... So as long as you have problems with friends, you can consider yourself lucky: at least it means that you have friends.