Senior and junior: friends or enemies? Psychological characteristics of older and younger children in the family

28.07.2019

Now many parents understand that after the birth of their second child, they need to help their first child adapt to a new, unusual role for him. Of course, some children persistently ask their parents for a brother or sister, rejoice and wait along with adults. It looks like there won't be any problems. But even in this case, you can not let events take their course. It is necessary to prepare the older child in advance for the birth of the second child in the family, and oneself for possible difficulties in communicating with him after returning from the hospital.

When to inform an older child about the birth of a brother or sister?

The best time for such a conversation is some calm moment when the baby is in a good mood. It is desirable that the mother's belly is already quite noticeable. It is necessary to tell the older child that his brother or sister is there, and when the baby is born, you will all live together. The event should be presented as joyful with a smile and intonation.

It is advisable to make sure that the older child not only knows about the upcoming birth of the crumbs, but also clearly imagines what newborn babies look like. It is best to see a baby with your own eyes, to watch him, for example, visiting friends. It’s great if videos and photographs are preserved in the home archive, where the older child can see himself, but in infancy. Let him get used to the idea of a future family member. From time to time, you can ask an older child where the little one is, let them touch the stomach when its inhabitant is pushing, tell how the baby is developing, show ultrasound pictures on which you can already see something. Some psychologists advise going to the store with the older child and buying together a gift for the crumbs - a rattle, clothes, or something else at the discretion of the older child.

You should not convince the child that he will soon have a wonderful friend who will play with him from morning to evening. It would seem that this is a banal thought. However, many parents focus too much on the older child's attention to how good it is to have a brother or sister. And the older child experiences acute disappointment when meeting the baby.

By the way, when, she must definitely tell the eldest child that she is going to the hospital, but she will certainly return to her son or daughter. Then the elder will be better prepared for the fact that the mother will not be there for some time, and it will be easier to endure the separation and stress associated with the appearance of the baby. In the absence of a mother, the firstborn needs a lot of love and companionship. You can give him an interesting gift on behalf of the newborn, who seemed to have asked him to pass it on. Such a pleasant surprise will create a positive attitude towards the baby in the older child.

The older child and his stolen childhood

Many mothers, returning from the hospital with a baby, are very surprised to see how big the oldest child is (even if in fact he is still 2 or 3 years old). It's not that mom has a bad memory, it's just that the contrast effect works. Comparing children, one involuntarily becomes convinced that the eldest child is no longer a baby at all. He can already do a lot himself and, it would seem, does not require so much attention and care. But this is a dangerous delusion. After arriving home, the mother should first of all go to the first-born, caress, talk with him a little. For a child, this is very important: he is very bored and needs the attention of the person closest to him.

And back to the topic of gifts. It is worth transparently hinting to friends and relatives who want to personally congratulate you on your newborn, that not only the baby, but also his brother or sister will need a gift. This will prevent . Unfortunately not for long. Therefore, the first time after the birth of the crumbs, the older child should be given as much attention as possible. And in no case should you explain to him that he must suddenly become more mature, more serious, must not make noise, has no right to cry, and so on. Even if the elder is no longer a baby (for example, a junior schoolboy or a teenager), he should still remain primarily a child for his parents. That is, his own childhood is not canceled due to the appearance of a younger family member, and he has the right to behave as it should at his age.

The oldest child is still a child

At the birth of a second child, drastic changes in the lifestyle of the first are highly undesirable. However, many parents make the same mistake. Immediately after the appearance of the crumbs, the elder is “evicted” from the crib or even from the room, sent to a kindergarten or, worse, to a permanent place of residence with his grandmother. Adults are guided by considerations of convenience, but do not think about the fact that these changes will cause strong feelings in the older child and will involuntarily be associated in his mind with the appearance of a brother or sister. Naturally, the older child will feel that his life has deteriorated because of the baby, and will feel dislike for him.

Therefore, psychologists advise introducing all “innovations” either in advance or after the birth of the baby, but not earlier than 2–3 months after it appears in the house. All upcoming changes should be discussed with the older child, not connecting them with the appearance of the little one. It is only about the feelings and deeds of your firstborn. His needs and desires should not be discounted. But in practice it is often different. All adults, relatives and strangers, consider it their duty to ask the older child about the newborn. For example: “Do you have a brother now? Does he cry often? And what is his name? Are you helping to take care of him?”, and so on ad infinitum. No one will take an interest in how the elder is doing, what he does, what he dreams of. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, coming to visit, literally rush to the crib, shower the baby with gifts and compliments. Adults sincerely believe that the older child is in the same delight, and do not realize that he may be offended. The task of parents is to prevent this discrimination. It is necessary to persistently draw the attention of relatives and friends to the oldest child, so that he does not feel like an attachment to his sister or brother. Some psychologists even recommend hanging a playful sign in the hallway in the early days “Please do not ask Vanya about your brother!”

Of course, it is not recommended after the birth of the baby to refuse the older child in the usual activities. Reading at night, Sunday trips to the park, bathing before bed - these and other things should not be canceled unless absolutely necessary. They make it possible to be with mom and dad, chat with them, feel loved and needed. Specialists in child psychology emphasize that the first 5-6 months older children need the attention and approval of their parents much more than infants. Indeed, the elders have a much wider range of interests, they are more active and, in the end, sleep much less.

Do not forget that the older child should have sovereign space in the house. It is best to have your own room, if this is not possible - a desk or some kind of nook, at least a personal box for toys and other items. And he is not obliged to always give in to the little one and share with him just because he is "already big." A brother or sister can take the things of the elder only with his permission.

Little tragedies of "big" children

Many older children, after the appearance of crumbs in the house, "fall into childhood." They stop asking for a potty, become whiny, ask to buy a pacifier or feed them from a bottle. Parents, of course, are afraid of such behavior. However, this is normal. The reason for the regression (that is, a return to an earlier age) lies in the desire of the child to again become the object of increased attention and care from the parents. He sees how they take care of the little one, anticipating his needs and moods. Of course, the older brother or sister also wants to become helpless and feel the maximum of parental participation. You should not worry, and even more so scold the child or laugh at him. It is best to play along - provide a pacifier, spoon-feed, rock in your arms. As a rule, older children quickly get bored with this game. They soon realize how good it is to be able to do a lot on their own and how much more interesting it is not to lie in a stroller all day, but to run and jump.

However, even the most caring adults are unlikely to completely prevent the emergence of childhood jealousy. It must be treated with understanding. This is an absolutely normal, natural feeling that a child has in response to new life circumstances. Previously, he was the only one, he was given a lot of attention. But suddenly a baby appeared, which is clearly preferred by all adults. Of course, resentment, grief and other painful feelings will burn in the soul. An older child can, without realizing it, "in revenge" become uncontrollable, demanding, capricious. Sometimes he shows great hostility towards the defenseless baby. All this causes a violent negative reaction from adults: the child is scolded, shamed and severely punished. Adults appeal to his conscience: "Don't you understand, it's hard for us, and you, instead of helping! .." But these measures do not help, but only aggravate the situation. As a rule, such behavior of the child is caused by the wrong behavior of the parents. Most likely, they too insistently demanded from the elder joy about the appearance of the baby or responsible behavior in connection with his birth. Perhaps the elder felt abandoned and unnecessary, and he seeks to return the attention of his parents in any way.

The more angry and indignant adults are, the more unhappy and embittered the child becomes. Therefore, it is useless to blame and punish. You need to pay special attention to him, do not forget to talk about your love and remember the importance of bodily contact: you need to hug and stroke the child as often as possible.

Senior and junior: from rivalry to friendship

The psychological health of children, their relationships and the atmosphere in the family are entirely dependent on their parents. Therefore, long before the birth of the second child, it is necessary to take the only correct attitude - no matter how many children there are in the family, they are absolutely equal to each other, regardless of their age, gender and individual characteristics. Harassing one child for the sake of another is unacceptable. This is the main principle of raising several children. Of course, in life it is not easy to observe it, but in any situation, every baby deserves the sympathy, love and care of parents.

The decision to have a second child was taken by the parents. Therefore, an older sister or brother is not required to become his nanny and sacrifice their interests for the sake of the baby. This does not mean that children should not help their parents and may not take care of their brother or sister. But you need to ask, not demand help and not abuse their services. In general, parents should teach their children to respect each other. So they will create a wonderful foundation for their future friendship.

How Not to Do

Before notifying the child about the upcoming replenishment in the family, ask: “Do you want a brother (or sister)?” Asking this question can get you into trouble. Suddenly the first-born will answer: “No” or something from the series “Let's better buy a dog, you and dad have promised for a long time!”
To justify, apologize and guiltily tell the elder the news about the imminent appearance of the baby. After all, this is your adult decision about having a second child.
After the introduction of the first-born, add phrases like: "Do not be afraid, we will still love you." This will only increase the anxiety of the child.
After the birth of the baby, make the elder a witness to conversations in which it is discussed that he has become worse or his behavior has deteriorated. No need to aggravate the situation.
Tell the child that they gave birth to a baby for him so that he can play with him, be friends, etc. All sorts of pleasant bonuses from communicating with a younger family member for a baby are in the distant future.

Are there brothers and sisters in the world who never fight or even quarrel? Does it happen that an older child never offends a younger one and always spends all his free time with him with great pleasure: walks, plays, teaches? Are there such conscious kids who never touch the things of an older brother or sister without asking? They say that such children live somewhere. But I never met them. And you?

Parenting Mistakes
A few years ago, when I was just thinking about having a second child, a friend warned me, “Think about your daughter. Hey, why is that? Extra problems now, quarrels and enmity in the future ... ”It was strange for me to hear this. I grew up with my older sister. Of course, it was not without quarrels, but we always loved each other and love now. My husband also has a brother and sister, so it was difficult for us to imagine a full-fledged family with just one child. A friend in the family grew up alone and did not know anything of the refusal. Moreover, before her eyes, family wars for inheritance between uncles and aunts unfolded. All this played a certain role, firmly convincing her that sisters and brothers are nothing but evil. And her friend is raising her only daughter with exactly the same attitude towards the world.

I wonder where the myth came from that brothers and sisters must love each other? That they are obliged to live peacefully and never quarrel? Why, if some stranger is unpleasant to you, you can stop communicating with him, and if this person is your brother or sister, you are obliged to love him? Is love obligatory? I think that parents' belief in such myths ruined the lives of many close people who, due to parental mistakes, could not become truly close. When deciding to give birth to a second child, we must be aware that it is impossible to force the first-born to love a younger brother or sister. But it is in our power to ignite a spark of mutual love, respect, and devotion in the hearts of children.

In part, we are having a second child, thinking that our first-born will not be alone, that a loved one will go along the difficult and winding path of life with him. That is why we demand love for each other from children and we are surprised if it is not there, and we get upset, and angry, and even sometimes despair. And we forget that our children are only ours. And we give birth to them only for ourselves, because our unspent parental instinct breaks out, it is too big for one baby. After all, wise nature knowingly gave a woman the opportunity to become a mother many times. And when we truly understand this, when we realize that each of our children is a unique personality, that children do not owe anything to anyone (including us), only then can we help them love each other with that very brotherly love. that we dream about.

Is everyone jealous?
Surely you have repeatedly come across information that the birth of a second child is stressful for the first child, that the eldest begins to be jealous of the baby for mom and dad and tries to win parental attention by all sorts of permitted and prohibited methods. But it is believed that the greater the age difference between children, the less manifestations of jealousy. After all, an older child does not need as much parental attention as, say, a 3-5-year-old baby.

When my youngest daughter was born, I was sure that this cup would bypass us. Nine-year-old Katya was already quite mature and independent, she adored the baby, was happy to play with her, and in general the picture was very optimistic. The weirdness started after a couple of months. The daughter has always been a mobile and active girl, but at the same time quite law-abiding. And then she began to behave defiantly, and even ... to hooligan: she sealed the neighbor's keyhole with chewing gum, and then she was "caught" ripping off the buttons in the elevator. The daughter refused to talk about the reason for these actions. I was confused, I could not answer myself the question: WHY is she doing this?
And then I understood. The girl simply suffers from a lack of parental attention. At first we were so absorbed in the baby, and all friends and relatives came to visit to look at her and, of course, she got the bulk of the gifts. So Katya decided to draw attention to herself in this way: “Here I am, you completely forgot about me! Well, scold me, punish me! At least SOMEONE react to me !!! But my daughter did not seem abandoned to me at all. I thought I gave her enough attention. And besides, IT'S ALREADY BIG. This is where the main mistake was. Little or big, our children always expect from us love, attention, care, affection, understanding, recognition. And older kids need it just as much as kids.

Therefore, it is vital to pay attention to both children, not to “abandon” one even for a short time. It is very important for every child in the family to know and be absolutely sure that he is loved and understood, that he is very valuable for mom and dad. And nothing less than a brother or sister.

Remember how surprised the Kid from the tale of "The Kid and Carlson" was when he found out that he "is so expensive" for his parents. Unfortunately, often our kids are actually sure that they mean little to us. Therefore, with the birth of a second child, one should try to show special attention to the first child, special love, so that he literally bathes in them, so that the birth of a brother or sister is not perceived as the appearance of a “competitor”. And it’s not enough just to do joint activities with children, when, for example, a baby twitches his arms and legs in a crib, and his mother looks after him and at the same time reads a book to an older one or plays a game with him.

It is important that part of the parental time belongs to the eldest child undivided. Just him and mom or dad, no baby. It is not easy to organize this, but it is possible. So, do something pleasant and interesting with your elder when the baby is sleeping. Leave the baby under the supervision of dad or grandmother and go with the elder on a “secret” walk, where there is no place for others, but only mom and her beloved baby. Let dad go with his eldest son to the zoo on the weekend or, say, to the car market or take his daughter to the puppet theater.

In a word, if the older child does not need to constantly share parents with the baby, if he does not feel disadvantaged in some way, then there will be much less reasons for dislike for a brother or sister.

And, of course, spending time together should also be filled with meaning. Go for walks with both children, participate in the lives of both. Today for a matinee in the kindergarten for the baby, and tomorrow - for a concert in the school for the elder. Consult with the older child about what toys to buy for the younger one, what clothes are especially suitable for him, what performance to take the baby to the theater, what gift to choose for the holiday. Show the older child that you listen to his opinion, because he is big and smart. Try to instill in your children that you are a family, one team, where everyone takes care of each other.

Fair or fair?
It is simply impossible to love two different people equally, including your own children. After all, they are so different, with their own advantages and disadvantages, fears, whims, stubbornness and amazing openness, naivety, touchingness ... And if each of them from early childhood is a personality, individuality, then how can one treat them in exactly the same way? Of course not. But this thought sometimes brings real suffering, because it seems to us that we love some of the children more, and some less. We try to suppress it in ourselves, we try to treat all children equally, honestly. It turns out it's bad. And you just need to understand that we simply love them in different ways. Understand and take for granted. Because it's normal and natural. Well, in fact, you can’t equally love a tiny fool and a grown-up baby. We love the first one tenderly and reverently, as something fragile and precious. We love the second with an active, wise, all-forgiving love, but also demanding at the same time. There is no need to try to show the children that they are equal to us. Firstly, it will not be true, and it is almost impossible to hide insincerity from children. Secondly, the same attitude towards children is humiliating for the children themselves. Well, what good is it that you are identified with a brother or sister? Children are well aware that they are different. So why are they trying to "row one size fits all"? A wise parent will always proceed not from the interests of the CHILDREN, but from the interests of EVERY child.

If you buy a toy for a baby, this does not mean at all that the older one must also buy it. Perhaps the elder has been dreaming of a scooter for a long time or really wants to ride the rides. So to each according to his needs. Take it for granted. And there is nothing to torment yourself with stupid experiences! But in our love, children should not doubt. Never. Don't forget to tell them about it often. Each individually and both at the same time.

The principle of non-intervention
Here is an example of a very real situation.
I'm busy with my own business. Suddenly the eldest daughter comes running and demands with irritation: “Mom! Tell Masha not to talk to me like that!” The first impulse is to “tell Masha”, to make a remark to her: “Oh, you, such and such Masha! Why are you talking to Katya like that?!” But the question immediately arises: HOW did she talk? I did not hear this, I was not present in the nursery when the conflict began, I did not observe its development. It may very well be that little Masha really was rude to the older Katya (this happens). And, perhaps, she was only defending herself from the unfair and offensive attacks of her older sister (and this happens). Or even simpler: Katya got up “on the wrong foot” today and takes even the most harmless words too close to her heart (oh, as a teenager, this is almost every day!).
How can I punish someone or make a remark to one of the children, if I judge the conflict only by the subjective assessments of the offended parties? Who is really right, who is wrong? Or are both good? (Which is most likely.) But such conflicts between children often happen. And how often do we rush to defend one (often the younger) and blame the other (usually the older), without even really understanding what's what. And in such a situation it is useless to understand, you still will not get to the bottom of the truth.
So the best way out is to leave everything as it is. Let them figure it out. You will see, the conflict will quickly come to naught.

Staying out of the way is the best thing parents can do during children's conflicts. In the heat of a quarrel, each of the children considers himself right, and the other - guilty. Therefore, if you take the side of one of the guys (even if he is really the injured party), you will only aggravate the enmity between the children. Indeed, for another child, your intervention will look like a flagrant injustice: “Mom always protects him! It's always my fault! It's all because of him!" So just don't get involved, that's all!
The only thing worth stopping is fights and mutual insults. But even here there is no need to find out who started first. You won't find the culprit anyway. In such cases, take the children by the hands and separate them into different rooms. Or, if you decide to punish, then punish both, without trial or investigation: deprive them of some entertainment for one day (watching your favorite series or the next cartoon series, computer games), sweets, and the like. In this case, children may be offended at their parents in the depths of their souls, but they will not have hidden evil against each other. After all, everyone was punished and in general the punishment is well-deserved.

When the storm calms down a little, it makes sense to discuss the quarrel with the children. But, again, without looking for the culprit. Sit the children near you, talk to them confidentially, explain that it is normal to experience irritation from time to time. This happens to everyone: with you and with dad. But it’s not worth throwing out your irritation on another. And even more so, there is no need to use fists or insults. The first is fraught with physical injury, the second is very painful. We need to learn to find a common language, to yield to each other. This is a necessary condition for human coexistence. And so that these words do not become an empty sound, set an example with your own behavior: try not to shout at children in vain, do not insult them, do not blame one in the presence of another, and, of course, never hit. Have you ever noticed that the older child teaches the younger one in your own words and with your intonation? I am yes...

Learning to cooperate
Yes, children need to be taught to cooperate. We are not born with this skill, but acquire it along with life experience. Enter in the family certain rules that both children must not take other people's things without asking. And even if the children are still small, they will gradually get used to treating other people's property with due respect.

It would be nice to come up with some joint games and activities for children. If the difference between the children is small, this is quite easy to do. But even with a big age difference, there will always be games that will be interesting not only for children, but even for adult family members.
For example, you can play Monopoly, Scrabble, Bingo, and even cards together (why not?).

Go for walks, picnics, travel with the whole family more often. You can go on a hike (at least on a weekend). Such events unite the family, and, therefore, children, teach them to take care of each other.

Try to get each child involved in the life of the other. Let the kid invite his older brother or sister to a matinee in kindergarten. And then the mother with the baby will attend a concert at the school of the older child. Let the children prepare for home holidays together: decorate the apartment, make gifts and postcards, come up with a festive program. And be sure to praise the children for their kind attitude towards each other, emphasize more often that you are proud of them.

The basis of any upbringing is kind, trusting conversations with children and a personal example. So just tell them stories from your own childhood, how you lived with your sisters and brothers (if any), how you quarreled and reconciled, remember funny and instructive stories. And, of course, show your children by your own example that there is nothing more precious in the world than loved ones and loved ones.

And if we behave wisely, gradually our children will learn to resolve possible conflicts in a peaceful way. And they will become truly friendly when the youngest child reaches adolescence. Whatever the difference between the children, growing up, they will be able to talk on an equal footing.

You might want to ask, do my kids fight? Yes, they quarrel. Not very often, but it happens from time to time. But I know for sure that, despite this, they dearly love each other and stand up for each other like a mountain. That they rejoice in victories and admire each other's achievements. That the eldest, without regret, shakes out her entire piggy bank in order to buy the youngest a present for the New Year, and for the last pocket money she will certainly bring her some other sweetness. That the youngest daughter categorically refuses to go to her grandmother without the eldest and is already becoming the keeper of many of Katya's secrets ... And with a pure heart I can call them sisters, because this is how relatives should treat each other.

Julia Kasparova
Magazine "World of Family" December 2007

Traditionally, in a Russian family, brothers were representatives of its interests, "deputies" of the father, especially when it came to older brothers. They were a kind of mentors in relation to younger children, as parents often had to deal with a large number of things.

Over time, the role of the brother in the family structure has been transformed, and today we can observe a fairly large number of such roles. In some families, the traditional idea has been preserved that the elder brother is the heir to the clan, who, almost on an equal footing with the father, should follow traditions and be a representative of family interests. However, this situation is not always present.

blood brothers

Blood brothers are those brothers who are either directly related to each other, or have common blood relatives. Most often, blood brothers are understood to mean either children born from the same parents, or those boys who were born in families of the same generation, who are also related to each other by blood kinship.

A sibling is the son of a father and mother in relation to their other children. Children of the same mother born from different fathers (for example, in the remarriage of a woman who already has one child) are also blood relatives, but in this case it would be more correct to call them not siblings, but uterine. The opposite situations are also not uncommon - if a man who already has a child becomes a father again, but his second child was born not from the mother of the first, but from another woman. In this case, the correct designation would be to use the concept of "half-brothers".

Cousin

Cousins are considered only children of a brother or sister who are native, that is, born from the same parents. If a cousin got married and his cousin got married, then the children in these two families will be second cousins to each other.

In such a mixed family, competition between brothers can arise for a variety of reasons - from the attention of parents to the banal "division of territory." Everything is complicated by the fact that half-brothers are forced to rebuild themselves under new family rules, so at first it will be quite difficult for stepbrothers to establish relationships. Therefore, it is necessary to gradually adapt children to a new situation, and parents should discuss the upbringing strategy together and stick to it.

named brother

A named brother is a definition of kinship for those cases where a brother is called a person who does not have any blood relationship with another brother. Unlike half-brothers, who become so without regard to their own desire, a named brother, as a rule, is a very close person to the one with whom he is going to fraternize.

Establishing the status of a named brother has been practiced for a long time, while in most cultures various rituals were used for this purpose. Often, to reinforce the fact of twinning, a mixture of blood was used - for example, incisions were made on the palms of the future named brothers, after which the men had to shake hands. However, today such rituals have practically lost their significance and are practiced only in some subcultures.

Brother husband

When a woman marries, she acquires a sufficiently large number of relatives, among whom may be her husband's brother. This man is his wife's brother-in-law, if he himself is married, his wife will be his daughter-in-law or daughter-in-law.

The relationship of a woman with her husband's brother largely depends on what kind of relationship the brothers themselves have - if they have not spoken for several years, it is unlikely that the wife will also communicate with the newly acquired relative. However, even in the case of an adequate relationship between the brothers, conflicts between the husband's brother and wife are possible. One of the scenarios is the husband's brother's opinion that this particular woman is not a match for his brother (this is especially true for older brothers who are used to the fact that the younger one needs to be patronized). Therefore, the husband must clearly define the boundaries so that the brother does not have an active influence on the newly formed family.

If the wedding of a brother took place, then his wife is the daughter-in-law of the rest of the brothers, as well as his parents. For brothers who are on good terms, a brother's marriage may even seem like a negative thing - after all, institutionalizing a relationship with a woman may mean that their beloved brother will spend less time with them.

On the other hand, women themselves often oppose men's pastime, so they can intentionally limit their young husband from communicating with his brothers. This is a mistake on the part of a woman, since it is not worth breaking established family relationships, all the more intentionally introducing prohibitions and restrictions. In order to reach a common compromise, in this case, the husband and wife will need to discuss this issue in detail.

brother's children

The brother's children are nephews to the rest of his brothers and sisters, while the degree of kinship of the brothers themselves does not matter here. To correctly name the relationship between the children of one brother and the children of another, the degree of relationship already matters. The children of a brother who is related to another are cousins to each other, but if we are talking about children of cousins, they will be second cousins to each other.

A brother is a part of the family for any person, even if it is not about relatives, but about cousins or more distant relatives. Therefore, it is important to maintain strong relations with the brothers, and the problems that arise should not be accumulated for years, but solved as they arise.

The birth of the youngest is a life-changing event not only for the parents, but also for the older child.

A normal, psychologically healthy first child brought up in a loving family, after the appearance of a brother or sister, will inevitably be jealous of the parents for the baby. Jealousy will appear even if during the mother's pregnancy the child was sincerely and eagerly waiting for the replenishment of the family.

According to modern psychologists, the absence of jealousy in such a situation indicates either that the child harbors a grudge deep inside and does not show it to his parents, or that, in principle, not the best relations have been established between family members.

Why are children jealous of younger brothers and sisters?

Jealousy is most clearly manifested precisely at the birth of a second child, it is also called a symptom of "overthrow from the throne." The first-born gets used to the undivided possession of the attention and love of parents, toys and other things - and suddenly he has to share all this, to let another little man into his living space.

Children's jealousy manifests itself most clearly with a small age difference between children, since in this case they literally have something to share: toys, dishes, clothes, etc.

The hardest hit are older children who have not yet gone to school.

At kindergarten age, kids are most attached to their parents and home. In school years, children have new hobbies, close friends, the need to do homework. The appearance of a younger child in such a situation is easier to bear.

How does a child's jealousy towards a newborn manifest itself?

Boys and girls are jealous of their parents to younger brothers and sisters in different ways.

Girls still subconsciously strive to take care of babies, so they can be captivated by simple requests to help care for the child. Boys, on the other hand, do not always want to help their parents with the baby and, as a rule, show their jealousy more strongly.

A child's feelings can manifest themselves in different ways. Some children express them openly: they take away toys from the youngest, ask them to take him back to the hospital, act up when they are not given enough attention, do something “for evil”, or even beat the baby.

However, the fact that the older child is jealous of the younger may look less noticeable. You can recognize the problem by the following signs:

poor sleep, long falling asleep;
tic, stuttering and other nervous reactions (manifested in the most distressed children);
frequent whims and tantrums (especially if they were unusual for the child before);
developmental regression (for example, a kindergarten-age child may require bottle-feeding, diapers, etc.);
refusal to read fairy tales, funny street walks, watching cartoons and other favorite activities for the baby.

Preparing a child for the birth of a brother or sister

As already noted, children's jealousy is an absolutely normal phenomenon from a psychological point of view, and it will not be possible to completely avoid its manifestations.

However, the mixed feelings of a child for a brother or sister can be reduced, smoothed over, if the first-born child is properly prepared for the birth of the baby.

When talking with a child about a future addition to the family, emphasize that mom and dad will love both children in exactly the same way: very, very much.
Talk to your elder about the benefits of having a sister or brother. After all, he will have a real friend, on whom he can always rely, with whom it will be fun to play, thanks to which he will never feel lonely.
Give your child the right idea of what the newborn will be like. The kid must understand that at first a crying and incapacitated bag will be brought into the house, which needs attention and care, and only after a while this bag will turn into a talking, running and jumping miracle.
You can also play on the child's sense of responsibility and his desire to be an adult. Let the older know that you trust him and are sure that he will be a great brother / sister.
Make in advance all the changes that are expected to be made in the child's life in the near future. For example, “moving” to another crib or even moving into your own room, adapting to kindergarten, weaning, and the like.
Involve your firstborn in the process of preparing for the birth of a brother or sister. Let him help you choose a stroller, rattles, clothes for the newborn.

These tips need to be varied depending on the personality of the baby: what will convince and calm one child may not be applicable to other children.

How to reduce the jealousy of the child after the birth of the baby?

Children's jealousy for a newborn can be gradually reduced to nothing if you follow these recommendations:

Don't leave children alone. This is an elementary safety issue: even if the firstborn does not try to harm the baby out of jealousy, he can do it by accident. A child may pick up a newborn in his arms and accidentally drop him, he may try to feed him adult food, etc.

However, if you see something like this, do not rush to scold the elder: thank him for wanting to share the care of the baby, and explain why it is impossible to treat him in this way.

Do not give your younger son or daughter the things of a brother / sister without his permission. Even if you want to give the baby a toy in which the elder has long lost interest. Otherwise, the child's sense of personal space, already deformed by the appearance of a baby, will be hurt even more, and jealousy will increase many times over.
Give your firstborn enough attention. This may seem difficult with a baby in your arms, but still try to find time to play / work out with your first child. If you use diminutive nicknames, apply them to both children. If guests come to you with gifts, warn them that gifts should be brought either to no one, or to both the elder and the younger. In conversations, emphasize that both children are of great importance in your life.
If the child is very jealous of the baby, explain to him that you are forced to devote more time to the baby solely because of his helplessness. You can show the jealous child his own childhood photos or even a family video so that he understands that in infancy he himself was such.
You can entrust the first-born with simple duties of caring for the youngest, but in no case do not turn him into a “second mother” and do not say that now he should behave like an adult. The older child has exactly the same right to childhood, and he should not feel limited and infringed on his rights due to the appearance of a brother or sister.
Do not allow yourself to overprotect the younger child and take his side in any situation. The older child also needs your support and protection, and you should not always blame him just because he is older and "should behave right." Emphasize that you are ready not only to prevent the older child from harming the younger, but also to protect the first from the inconvenience that the second may cause him.
Never compare children to each other. This is one of the key tips on how to avoid developing excessive competition between toddlers. You should not set one as an example for the other: by doing this, you will teach children to compete for your attention and approval and will definitely not help reduce jealousy.
Do not change joint habits. If before the birth of your youngest, for example, every Sunday you went to an amusement park with your first child, you need to continue to do this in the future. The psychological reasons for this recommendation are obvious: a child should not feel that his quality of life has declined with the advent of a newborn. For the same reason, you should not use the argument “we can’t buy you this because you have a younger brother / sister” if the firstborn is begging for something in the store.
So that in the future the child is not jealous of you for the baby, in no case "push" him to grandparents. Sending the firstborn to stay with the older generation for a day or two is normal, especially if this happened before the addition to the family. But deliberately sending him to grandparents for a week or even a month, so that it would be easier to cope with the baby, is the most striking example of how to make relationships between family members difficult and poisoned by jealousy.
Emphasize the closeness of children. Surprisingly, most of the youngest (unlike the first-born) do not repeat after their parents, but precisely after their older brothers / sisters. Tell the child that the baby loves him, smiles at him, tell how in a few years it will be the first-born who will be able to teach the silly child to ride a bike or play football. Let the child feel important and significant not only for you, but also for that very screaming little bag.

Conflicts between children have always existed! The role of adults, parents, mentors, teachers in this matter is very necessary. How to establish friendly and decent relations between children, to minimize the conflict of brothers and sisters? How to overcome aggressive rivalry in your home?

Fight to get more attention and affection from parents. This applies to children with a 3-5 year age difference.
Lack of employment for children, elementary boredom and fatigue from everyday pastime.
domestic troubles, or the establishment of a personal life by one of the parents.
Misbehavior of mom or dad when one child is given everything: care, attention, encouragement, and the other - one continuous punishment. This contributes to the destruction of self-esteem between children. Such behavior of parents is inhumane and anti-pedagogical, and if not intervened in time, deplorable results can be achieved. Worse, when mom says “why are you not as obedient as your brother” or “look at how your sister folded toys, but you can’t do that.” These are everyday phrases that can “take the earth out from under the feet” of a baby: create a difficult problem, give rise to rivalry, various forms of aggressive manifestations of competition, screams and scandals, and other troubles.

Brothers conflict

There is a strong connection between the brothers, it manifests itself not only during the period of their separation, but also pushes them to a special kind of emotional "violence".

It is not difficult to trace the roots of rivalry since infancy, when the mother involuntarily devotes more time to one, while the other remains outside the “love” scene and reproachfully looks at the relationship between parents and younger brother.

Such feelings can be caused not only by the wrong behavior of parents, the “individuality” of genes can also affect. Brothers experience various life situations in completely different ways, perceive reality, act as they see fit (giving rise to conflicts in the family).

Also, the following situations can become causes of quarrels:

brothers yell at each other for a piece of cake, a notebook, pencils, a bicycle, and more;
they did not agree on where to go to play - on the playground or in a neighbor's house;
a quarrel over your favorite clothes, household items;
jealousy towards friends, the inability to express themselves individually.

All these conflicts can develop into serious consequences over time:

inability to stand up for oneself, to show willpower;
cause excessive nervousness;
a person will not be able to compromise, learn to negotiate in a conflict situation;
take a healthy look at the current troubles, allowing freedom in the manifestation of strength.

In addition to these factors, the conflict of brothers is also curled from the order in which babies are born. The older brother may be overprotective of the younger, thereby unwittingly causing an aggravation of their relationship.

Sisters and brother

The conflict of brothers and sisters is a special type of relationship that arises on the basis of “power” and insufficient mutual understanding, as well as:

in search of equality and justice;
when separating personal space and property;
rivalry for friends;
with a difference of interests;
lack of resources;
dissatisfaction of psychological needs.

Problems may vary depending on the age of the children:

A big mistake of parents is to put the responsibility for the younger child on the shoulders of the older child, to shame him for not coping with these responsibilities. If mom and dad are overly strict with their eldest son, and the youngest daughter is pampered and cherished, then the first one will grow up as an insecure and uncommunicative person.
When the eldest girl in the family, then you don’t need to make her a “man in a skirt”, often from an early age she feels like a leader and tries to subjugate her brother, and subsequently other men!

As they grow older, children of different sexes can quickly find a common language, sympathize with each other. Brothers and sisters who fought for every little thing in childhood can become a support for each other in school years.

Psychologists advise parents:

It is simply impossible to avoid quarrels and resentments in every family; brothers and sisters can experience feelings of anger, hatred, jealousy and discontent towards each other. But parents should not turn a blind eye to this, thereby driving hostility far into the heart, which over time will be fueled by resentment, guilt and fear, forming complexes and other difficulties in the behavior of an already adult person.
It is important to treat children fairly, respectfully, taking into account their biological and physiological characteristics, paying attention to the needs of each child.
If a conflict has occurred, it is necessary to separate the children into different rooms and give them time to think, and not force them to immediately ask for forgiveness without understanding the situation.

There is also such a wonderful way to rid children of evil and confrontation - give them a piece of paper and a pencil and ask them to draw themselves in anger, then visually tear these pieces of paper and throw them away. This technique contributes to a splash of aggression, sets up friendly relations among children.

two sisters

Sometimes sisters cross all boundaries when sorting out relationships, which affects the psychological and moral state of the family. Sometimes scenes of jealousy can hurt parents, friends and acquaintances.

Among the most common causes of conflict between two sisters can be:

jealousy of parental love;
tradition - to wear things for the eldest;
overprotection of a younger child;
sisters in love with one boy.

On the one hand, there is an imperious older sister, and on the other, the desire to be a person and not listen to her unceremonious reproaches and instructions. The younger sister is most often eliminated from the battlefield, takes the pose of an offended person, withdraws into herself and ignores all communication. In the worst case, he starts a war, while poisoning the lives of all his relatives, including himself.

Psychologists advise:

children. While growing up, the sisters form their own opinion, views on life, an individual life and personal life appear. Very often, the best friend becomes much closer than the sister. In order not to spoil family ties at all, it is necessary to communicate more often, go on vacation together, take care of each other and help parents. Teenage conflicts are easy to resolve if you talk heart to heart, express your point of view, find a compromise solution to get out of the situation.
Parents. When children's fights arise over trifles, girls cannot share a toy or a dress, then it is important for adults to intervene in time and correctly place emphasis in raising their beloved daughters so that they grow up as unselfish personalities and always follow the golden truth: a sister is a close friend and dearest man in the world!

two brothers

If twins, twins or triplets are born in a family, then the genetic predisposition to rivalry will play more here. Of course, if the parents do not keep repeating that Vova was born first, and after Vanya, Sasha or Kolya.

Such a strategy will make one brother "higher" than the other, allowing him to be the elder, taking on the role of guardian and commander.

Twin brothers are unusually close to each other, often act as one person, perceive themselves as one. They can even have one admirer, and they will not quarrel over this. Their world is shared by two, they are ready for self-sacrifice for the benefit of another.

In a family of triplets, quarrels arise because of household items, toys, clothes, children's transport, the struggle for parental attention, constant squabbles among themselves for friendly relations. Psychologists advise sending such children to different classes so that they do not become dependent on each other and learn to make decisions on their own.

Parents should form in children an idea of themselves as a separate person, so that they can find their destiny on their own, choose the right path in life, and not hide behind each other, creating problems not only for themselves, but also for others.

What should parents of rival children do?

Rivalry between children can create an unfavorable atmosphere in the home, lead to stress for parents.

In addition to the negative, such competition allows at an early age to build a system of relations "subordinate - manager", to study the system of establishing friendly ties in the team.

Experts have long confirmed that the ability to cooperate with other people, the ability to withstand competition, is born in early childhood, these are the models of the relationship of little brothers and sisters. That is why it is so important for parents to monitor the behavior of children and make their own deliberate and useful adjustments.

Need to stay neutral and calmness during children's disputes. Do not run into the room to the cries of the kids, pause - let the children understand that they must resolve their quarrels themselves. When children speak about a conflict, pay attention to all aspects of the situation, do not give in to emotions, often the instigator of the quarrel screams more, and the offended one stands aside and takes everything upon himself.
Do not single out favorites, do not compare children. Each personality is individual, all depending on gender, age and parental preferences. If Masha draws well, then Kolya is not obliged to do the same. He wants to play guitar or sing songs!
Punish every child equally. The age of the baby plays more here, if he is the youngest, this does not mean that he should receive less “for nuts” than the older one.
Needs to be explained children that words can settle a conflict, and not start a fight. Show by example how to resolve this situation without violence.
Let the children get out of the conflict situation independently, find a compromise solution. Moreover, this must be done without the intervention of an adult as a judge.
It is important for parents to control the outcome of the situation, make sure whether the resentment remains in the children or not, because it can deeply "settle" in the child's soul and grow to aggression and violence in the future.

And most importantly, mom and dad need to set a positive example so that children, even in the most difficult situations, can solve the problem by the method of agreements and compromises. And then your kids will always be friendly and happy!