How to stop being a victim of the advice of a psychologist. Psychological origins: educational mistakes. Get out of the role of the victim

05.04.2019

Several years ago I realized that I was living with victim syndrome in a relationship with a man. It was a happy day, because then for the first time I decided to open my eyes to the bitter truth: he does not care about me, does not help in difficult situations, does not pay attention to me, does not give gifts ... but what is there to hide - he does not love me!

Lately we saw each other once a week. And he had enough. From meeting to meeting, of course, I thought only of him, dreamed of our common happy future, not forgetting to put on my favorite rose-colored glasses every morning.

Yes, I felt that something was wrong. But he said that he had a lot of work, and I believed. Oh yes, because I so wanted to believe it! I cherished and cherished the idea that everything would be fine with us, and hoped that someday he would really love me!

After about eight months " happy relationship»I found out (about happiness!) That he was cheating on me. Perhaps, somewhere at the subconscious level, I still suspected this, because it was not just that on that blessed day that I climbed into his phone.

After all these terrible events, after several buckets of shed tears, I still wanted to forgive him. You are already laughing, right ?! But I was not at all funny. I thought: "But now he realized everything, and now our relationship will finally improve!" He helped me. He left me himself. After all that happened, he also left me himself! Let's be fair, he did something good for me. May God grant him health.

The source of my suffering has disappeared from the horizon. It would seem that it is necessary to shout "Hallelujah!", But it was not there. After parting, I sobbed bitterly, being in the four walls, and trying to leave them as rarely as possible. It took six months until I woke up from sleep.

V similar relationships almost every woman ever was. I am still lucky, some live like this all their lives!

Why it happens? Why do we allow ourselves to be treated this way, and then also suffer from the fact that it is over? How to get out of such a relationship? How to stop being a victim? Read about this and much more in this article.

Who is the victim and what is it eaten with

Or rather, they devour it from the inside, savoring every bite with pleasure. And the victim is only glad - she loves to suffer. In the article we will talk about the victim syndrome in a relationship with a man, but people of both sexes tend to be the victim, in different situations, under different circumstances. If you have not yet fully compiled a portrait of the victim for yourself, then I will explain. Being a victim is:

Trying to live up to the expectations of others
Adapt to others
Do what you don't like
Spend time with those you don't want to see next to you
Live with a person who does not love you, or whom you do not love
Receive a low salary and be content with it, and also complain about it
Living a life that is not at all what I would like

Well, I think you get a rough idea. And most likely, they recognized themselves in something. If so, read on.

I also made a video for you about the role of the victim in a relationship:

3 causes of victim syndrome in a relationship with a man

There are three main reasons for the formation of the victim role. All of them appear in childhood and are associated with parenting. You can recognize yourself in one of them or in all three. So, there are three reasons for the victim syndrome in a relationship with a man:

Reason # 1: Linking Love to Suffering

In most cases, victim syndrome is formed during childhood. For the first time we learn what love is, as children, when we begin to love our parents. But due to the fact that parents may shout, not buy the promised ice cream, leave the child alone at home, not talk to him, or even hit him, love in the eyes of the child is equated to something bad. He loves his parents, but often because of them he has to suffer. Over time, such a parenting scheme creates in the child's head strong bond between love and suffering.

So, associating the object of love with causing pain, the child forms in himself a distorted idea of what love is. At the subconscious level, he begins to think that the object of love should cause him suffering. This is how the victim syndrome is formed in the relationship. In the future, such a child will look for such a partner for a relationship that will correspond to his ideas of love. He will look for someone who will make him suffer.

Reason # 2: Conditional love

The most important rule parenting- "Love just like that." It is important for a child to feel that he is not loved because he behaves well, gets A's, or wins competitions. It is important for him to know that he is loved just like that, for what he is. Then he himself will learn to love people without any syndromes, he will love the world and will not see a threat in it, he will wake up in the morning knowing that he is loved, even if he has not achieved great success. He will feel safe and will not be scared to death of being "bad."

Many parents tell their daughters: “If you are a good girl, we will love you. A bad girls nobody likes". In such a child, while he grows, a thought will ripen in his head, which in adult life will be strengthened quite firmly. This thought goes something like this: "In order to be loved, I must please people."

Thinking so, the girl gradually turns into a victim. A victim who in every way achieves the location of others. Growing up in a grown woman with relationship victim syndrome, she is willing to do whatever her partner wants. After all, she thinks that there is nothing to love her for.

It is difficult for the victim to believe that he can be loved. She doesn't believe in disinterested love, because her parents did not give her such an example.

Remember the girls who hang around the guys' necks? These are the very victims conditional love... They cause bright makeup and put on short skirt, love to flirt, attract attention. And being married, they look into the mouth of their husband, reverently and submissively folding their paws in front of him.

These girls are often “available”. They give the man what, in their opinion, he wants to receive from them, mistakenly believing that they have nothing more to give. Believing that as a person they do not represent anything. These women-victims once gave rise to the general idea "they only want sex from us."

The victim, upon learning that the man does not like her, will try to do whatever he wants to change it. Victims try to please everyone to hide from own thoughts that no one likes.

If the girl was loved truly, sincerely and without conditions, she will calmly and indifferently relate to people who do not like her. They will simply be uninteresting to her. A girl like that would never be killed over a guy. If a guy tells her: “I don't like you,” she will immediately lose interest in him. She will not know what to do with him, because in childhood her parents did not tell her that.

Reason # 3: Father

The role of the father in the formation of the victim syndrome is great. Dad is the first and the most important man for woman. It depends on the first man how relations with everyone else will develop. If dad loves his daughter just like that, tells her how beautiful, smart and lovely she is, then, most likely, she will have a wonderful relationship with the opposite sex.

In the event that dad does not praise her and does not show his love, restrains emotions and does not give compliments, of course, she will have difficulties in building relationships. And it is quite possible that she will begin to play the role of a victim in a relationship.

If the father left the family when the girl was little, or spent little time with her, then the situation will be even worse - she will subconsciously look for the missing fatherly love in other men. She will try to cling to any straw to get male attention... She will not have a clear idea of what a man's love is, because her father did not give it to her. Thus, she will strive by any means to gain attention - through sex, through suffering. In her vague idea, this will be love.

The victim syndrome in a relationship with a man is ...

We have examined the reasons for the emergence of the role of the victim and come to the main part. How does victim syndrome manifest in relationships? Why do we love to suffer so much? Why, even when parting with a tyrant, do we suffer, instead of breathing a sigh of relief? Everything in order.

So the girl grew up in the absence unconditional love, every now and then hearing criticism in his address and not being dearly loved by his father. At the subconscious level, she has the idea that love and suffering are inseparable. And she, with all her gut, subconsciously begins to reach for aggression, choosing men who will give her the opportunity to suffer. The victim is not looking for happiness in the relationship. At the subconscious level, she is looking for someone who will give her those childhood memories and sensations.

With her head, of course, she wants happiness, and her unconscious wants aggression. Because love in its understanding is very clearly associated with aggression, with emotional, psychological or physical violence. She grew up in this, this love-suffering is dear to her.

Why do you think some men are attracted to you while you are neutral about others? The libido is built on this. If a man reminds you of something from childhood, he touches you. Otherwise, the man does not cause any emotion in you.

Moving out of the role of the victim in the relationship, you realize that there was almost no happiness in this relationship. You realize that most of the time in a relationship, you have been hurt. So why did you hold on to them so stubbornly then? Why did you sometimes think that you would not find anyone better than him?

The point is that you put your grudge into it. The insult that you have nurtured in yourself since childhood. The insult that ate you from the inside. By his appearance, words, actions or smell (whatever) he caused those childish feelings in you. And you mentally, subconsciously transferred these sensations into him. He became the culprit that you feel so bad. But now that you broke up, you have lost the person who helped you live the way you used to live from childhood.

How to stop enjoying suffering and get out of the role of a victim? How to understand that what happened in childhood is abnormal, but another is normal, healthy love? Read on.

How to get out of the role of a victim - step by step instructions

If you ask the victim if she likes to suffer, she will deny it, because everything we talk about in this article is unconscious. You need to have wisdom and courage to realize and admit to yourself that you are a victim. So, step-by-step instruction to get out of the role of a victim in a relationship:

Admit to yourself that you are a victim. That you like being her. I like to suffer and be offended. It's so convenient to be weaker than someone, to complain and not take responsibility. But one must sooner or later become an adult. Learn to build adult relationships. Accept the sacrifice in yourself, and then you will be able to free yourself from this role. Acknowledging and accepting a problem is the first step towards solving it.
The victim always has low or low self-esteem. Boost your self-esteem and learn to love yourself. To do this, download my book How I Loved Myself. In it, I collected the most working techniques with the help of which I myself once raised my self-esteem, became confident and fell in love with myself. This book will help you get out of the role of a victim, show you how to defend your boundaries and help you become a truly happy person.
Whatever happens, always keep the focus on yourself. Several times a day ask yourself the question: "What do I feel now?" If the answer is repeatedly charged with negative emotion, do everything to change it to a positive one. If this is not possible, leave. From this person, from this situation, from this work. Don't let yourself live a life you don't like.
If possible, do not do what you don’t want to do. Do not tolerate it, speak right away if something does not suit you. Learn to say no. Don't be afraid to be bad. People with low self-esteem are afraid to be bad, out of fear that they will be rejected. But nothing will happen to you if you refuse a person. Even if after that he leaves your life, this will only mean that the person who tried to lure you into the trap of the victim left you. And now you are just trying to get out of it.
It is common for the victim to have a lot of fear. Therefore, in order to get out of the role of the victim, you need to free yourself from your fears. For this, I recommend you an article about.
Do not be afraid of what may be thought of you. If you notice that a lot of people have appeared around you who criticize you, it only means that you have almost got out of the role of the victim. You have stopped pleasing everyone. People will always try to remake you for themselves, to make you “comfortable”. And you will never be comfortable again, from now on you will be just yourself.
Remember Golden Rule: people treat you the way you treat yourself. They will never make a sacrifice of you if you love yourself and satisfy your own needs, instead of satisfying others.
As a victim, you were in dependent relationship... Now, you need to learn how to build healthy, mature partnerships. Such, in which you and a man will be on an equal footing. Read about how to do this in mine.

A guide to stepping out of the victim role

Especially for those who are in the role of a victim and want to get out of it, I took off consisting of practical assignments and exercises that will stop you letting people and circumstances rule you, learn to stand up for yourself and your opinions, talk out loud about things that don't suit you, and take responsibility for your life.

I have included in the video course only the most effective and working tasks that have been tested on many of my clients. By completing them, you will step out of the victim role and take life into your own hands. And then you manage to become independent person, an adult independent person and build your life the way you want.

The cost of the video course is 1800 rubles. instead of 4000 rubles. before the end of this week. By purchasing a video course now, you also get a bonus: I will personally accompany you, answer your questions while you are taking the course, and help you. This condition is limited in time.

To purchase a course, write to me at any social network or in "I want a course". You can also ask any questions.

In the article you will learn:

Relationship victim syndrome

Hello everyone! Today I will start, perhaps, with small dough... Answer the question "Why do you love yourself?" Have you thought? If you had to pretend to remember, and in the end you named 1-2 qualities, then, alas, high feelings to yourself you do not have. For love, of course, conditions are not needed, the answer here is “Just like that!”. But usually people with high self-esteem know their the best sides and do not hesitate to mention them. How to love yourself without falling into victim syndrome in a relationship, that's what we'll talk about today.

Ah, this sweet misery

Have you ever heard of such a concept as “secondary benefit”? A person is instinctively programmed to do what suits him. Otherwise, he simply will not survive in the biological and social world... Therefore, if at first glance the act has no logic, then do not rush to draw conclusions. Dig around and find where the dog is buried!

Why should a person be oppressed by a creature offended by others? parenting relationship also brings secondary benefits to its bearer.

At first, there is no responsibility. Failures are caused by other people or circumstances. “I would have finished school well, but the teachers were not lucky”, “can you imagine, they fired me because of an evil boss”, “I would not have divorced my husband, but he turned out to be a bastard”, “I got some stupid child, absolutely does not obey me "," I live badly, because the state does not provide "... Examples are endless.
Secondly, constant energetic moral support. Friends feel sorry, empathize, offer help, freebies, in a word.
Thirdly, in such a position it is convenient press on guilt.

In order to preserve the infringed role, to confirm the status, one must be sure who will offend. Therefore, you should know that tyranny and assault in families is provoked by a wife with victim syndrome, and in relationships with a tyrannical man the disease takes on the most terrible forms. Some women walk around with bruises for years, but they don't change anything. And if children see the beatings, mental trauma for life is guaranteed.

Psychological origins: parenting mistakes

Some will be surprised and rightly ask the question “Is this a benefit? This is self-mockery and humiliation. " And they will be right. A self-sufficient person may even be offended by someone else's pity, such a strategy of behavior is not to his liking. After all, what you want can be achieved by more worthy methods. For forever offended person, such an environment is very comfortable and familiar. What makes you choose this path? Let's figure out the reasons.

Treading the path to freedom

How to get rid of victim syndrome? It's time to put the cards on the table, my dear readers. Of course the most quick way overcoming - see a psychotherapist... But there is not always money for a doctor of the soul, and there are many charlatans among them.

Milton Erickson, the great hypnotherapist, said that problems in the head of a person, in it are the solutions. You can be successful on your own if you really want to. But the whole irony lies in the fact that the sufferer is not aware of herself, and if she begins to guess, then the psyche includes a strategy of denying reality, since instinctively avoids everything bad.

But man is stronger than he thinks. So, the main steps are:

In the psychology of victim syndrome there is such a concept as a locus of control... External - when a person sees the source of events occurring to him in external circumstances, not dependent on him. Internal - when the result of the activity is caused by its own behavior and does not depend on environment ... Accordingly, in aching man exclusively external locus of control. It is easy to find it, it is worth observing yourself.
Realizing your way of thinking- one of the main steps. Markers by which to achieve awareness: only victims can blame and complain; consider that they are constantly unlucky; endure the negativity of others.
Now there are a few important tasks that will help you get rid of sacrificial ties with her husband and other people (answer in detail, record). Seriously! Take a pen and a piece of paper and write down all of your answers to the following questions:

Don't look at others... There will always be someone more successful than himself successful person... There is no point in comparing yourself to others. You have to go your own special way.
Stop sitting in the garden as a vegetable. Development courses, sport sections, training seminars, urgently pump your profit! Fearfully? Let it be scary. Be afraid and do, even though you close your eyes!
Any successes, achieved results- write in a diary, on a wall, in social networks because pride in yourself!
Speak out loud your emotions and actions from the position of "I": "I feel resentment towards (name), because I allowed myself to offend." Speak aloud for 20 days until the words become automatic thoughts.
Learn to say no... Withered feelings unpleasant people annoying events. And sometimes it is even very correct, gentle, benevolent to send! For it’s nefig, right? Love in a relationship should be given to the most worthy! You can learn this in the article “Why is it hard for us to say no? "
Emotionally control yourself... I wanted to complain out of habit - stop! The tyrant again brought to tears - stop. Do not dissolve in a man. Over time, the surrounding aggressors will also change, as they have changed familiar style communication.
If the aggression persists due to the character of the despot - irrevocable break without discussion. If, however, an irresistible love for the terrorizing person persists, most likely the sacrifice has transformed in the household Stockholm syndrome. Perhaps there was a fact abuse or the psyche gave a reaction to long time tyranny, I advise in this case to contact good specialist and work out the destructive connection that has arisen.

That's all. Hope you found this article helpful and learned more about victim syndrome in relationships!

Do not forget to share with your friends and subscribe to my blog now, you will be aware of all the news!

Sincerely,
June

PHOTO Getty Images

Jhon Miller is a business coach and founder of QBQ (Question Behind Question) consulting company. Author of a methodology for the development of personal responsibility (proactivity).

We are constantly confronted with blame shifting and do not even notice how we ourselves are doing the same. But you cannot succeed in this way. A few examples from the life of John Miller will show you exactly how to take responsibility and what it brings.

Personal responsibility

I stopped at a gas station for coffee, but the pot was empty. I turned to the seller, but he pointed with a finger and replied: "Her department is responsible for the coffee."

You probably remember a dozen of these stories from your life:

"The administration of the store is not responsible for things left in the lockers";

“I cannot get a normal job because I have no connections”;

"Talented people are not given a chance to break through";

"Managers receive millions of annual bonuses, and I have not been given a single bonus in 5 years of work."

These are all facets of undeveloped personal responsibility. You will find much less reverse examples: well served, helped in difficult situation, promptly solved the problem.

I ran into a restaurant for a bite to eat. Time was short and there was a crowd of visitors. A waiter walked by in a hurry with a pile of dirty dishes on a tray and asked:

- Sir, have you already been served?

- No, but I'm in a hurry. I would order salad, rolls and diet cola.

- We don't have Diet Coke.

- Then water with lemon.

Soon I received my order, and a minute later a Diet Coke. Jacob (that was the name of the waiter) sent his manager to the store for a cola. I myself did not have time.

An ordinary employee does not always have the opportunity to demonstrate a fabulous service, but proactive thinking is available to everyone. It is enough to stop being afraid to take responsibility and devote yourself to your work with love. Proactive thinking is rewarded. A couple of months later, I stopped at the restaurant again and found out that Jacob had been promoted.

Prohibited Questions

Replace complaint questions with action questions. Then you can develop personal responsibility and get rid of victim psychology.

Why doesn't anyone love me?

Why doesn't anyone want to work?

Why did this happen to me?

These questions are counterproductive because they do not lead to a solution. They only show that the person who asks them is a victim of circumstances and is not able to change anything. Miller recommends getting rid of the "why" altogether.

There are two more classes of “wrong” questions: “who” and “when”.

Who is responsible for this?

When will the roads in my area be repaired?

In the first case, we shift responsibility to another department, employee, boss, and we end up in vicious circle accusations. In the second, we mean that we can only wait.

The journalist in the newspaper faxes a request to the press service and waits for a response. Day two. It's too lazy to call, and the deadlines for the article are running out. When there is nowhere to postpone, he calls. We talked nicely with him and sent him an answer by the morning. It took 3 minutes, and the journalist delayed the work for 4 days.

The right questions

"Right" questions begin with "What?" And How?"

What can I do to make a difference?

How to make a customer loyal?

How to work more efficiently?

What should I learn to be of more value to the company?

If the wrong question expresses the position of a person who is unable to change anything, then the right questions encourages action and forms proactive thinking.

Why is this happening to me? does not require an answer. This is more of a complaint than a question.

"Why did this happen?" helps to understand the reasons.

If you take a closer look at the "wrong" questions, it turns out that almost all of them are rhetorical. Conclusion: rhetorical questions are evil.

Collective responsibility

There is no collective responsibility, it is an oxymoron. If a client comes with a complaint, someone alone will have to answer to him. Even physically, all employees will not be able to line up in front of an unhappy visitor and jointly respond to a complaint.

Let's say you want to get a bank loan. We came to the department, signed all the documents, and are waiting for the result. But something went wrong, and the bank does not communicate its decision in any way. The money is needed as soon as possible, and you go to the office to sort it out. It turned out that your documents were lost. You are not interested in who is to blame, you want to quickly solve the problem.

The bank employee listens to your discontent, sincerely asks for forgiveness, although he is not guilty, runs from one department to another and after a couple of hours comes with a ready-made positive decision. Collective responsibility - personal responsibility in pure form... It is the courage to take the blow for the whole team and to cope with the difficulties.

There is no collective responsibility. If a client comes with a complaint, someone alone will have to answer to him

The waiter Jacob case is a great example of collective responsibility. The goal of the company is to be attentive to each client. Both the waiter and the manager followed her.

Think about what your direct manager would say if you sent him to get a Coca-Cola for a client? If he is not ready for such an act, then it is not for him to teach subordinates about the mission of the company.

Small Matters Theory

We are often unhappy with what is happening around us: officials take bribes, do not improve the yard, a neighbor parked the car in such a way that it is impossible to pass. We constantly want to change other people. But personal responsibility starts with us. This is a commonplace truth, when we ourselves change, the world and people around us also begin to change imperceptibly.

I was told a story about an old woman. A group of teenagers often gathered in her entrance, they drank beer, littered and made noise. The old woman did not threaten with the police and reprisals, did not expel them. She had a lot of books at home, and during the day she began to take them out into the porch and put them on the windowsill, where teenagers usually gathered. They laughed at it at first. Gradually we got used to them and began to read. We made friends with the old woman and began to ask her for books.

The changes will not be quick, but they should be patient.

See the Big Plans website for more details.

1 D. Miller “Proactive Thinking” (MYTH, 2015).

One of the most frequently asked questions which psychologists ask women - how not to be a victim in a relationship. Interestingly, for the majority of these women, any relationship with men is built according to the same “sacrificial” scheme. That is, the first husband beat, the second beat, the third beat ... Somewhere women are loved, cared for, cherished, carried in their arms, and this poor thing changes one tyrant for another.

However, many women victims cannot break off relations with the aggressor at all. For years, if not decades, they allow them to wipe their feet on themselves.

The phenomenon of the emergence of sympathy between the victim and the aggressor partly explains the so-called Stockholm Syndrome.

Why is this happening and is it possible to break out of the grip of the "Victim - Aggressor" strategy?

Woman victim in relationships with family and friends

The roots of sacrificial psychology lie in deep complexes that were instilled in childhood. If a woman is a victim in a relationship, the psychotherapist has to uncover the deepest psychological layers of the patient. Sacrifice is inculcated in several ways: by copying the life strategy of the victim mother, by imposing sacrificial ideals on relatives, and also by disliking, underestimation.

A female victim can behave in two ways in her relationship with her relatives. The first is trying on the image of an “eternal victim,” an eternal servant. The whole family amicably sits on her neck, and she is lucky, lucky ... In the second case, a woman is a victim for a man, but she takes it out on children.

Both cases demonstrate severe mental deformity. Such a woman is a godsend for an aggressor. An internal readiness to become a victim leads to the fact that men of a tyrannical, despotic type are chosen for relationships.

How to stop being a victim in a relationship?

So how do you get rid of the burden of sacrifice from your shoulders? Psychologists have developed consistent methodology, giving an answer to the question of how to stop being a victim in a relationship. If you feel in yourself alarm bells indicating that you are becoming a victim - start immediately psychological work above oneself.

Step by step, following these tips, you can gradually get out of the quagmire of sacrifice:

Start building your self-esteem.
Build personal resources - career, creative, financial, and most importantly, emotional.
Start loving yourself. Healthy selfishness - The best way fight against the syndrome of sacrifice.
Stop reveling in the role of the victim. Unfortunately, many victims like their position! Find other traits and accomplishments that you can be respected for.
Start to deal with your fears, feelings of guilt, complexes - all the burden that is instilled in you in childhood and adolescence, which makes you a victim.
Limit the provision of resources to the aggressor (or aggressors). First of all, they are emotional.
Think, would you be so bad without your tyrant? Model strategies for life without an aggressor.

In some cases, the transformation of the victim infuses new life into a relationship. But there are aggressors who are incapable of changing. There is only one way out: a break in relations. If you consistently go through all seven stages of liberation from your psychological problem (for some it will take several months, for some it will take several years), then you can take this important step as well.

How not to be a victim in a relationship with a man

It is in relation to a man that pathological sacrifice turns out to be the most serious for a woman. psychological problems... There are women who behave like queens and women who behave like servants. So how not to be a victim in a relationship with a man, how to maintain your dignity?

Here are the three main principles of the queen:

Don't let yourself be humiliated.
Do not allow your achievements to be devalued.
Do not dissolve in a man - this is the main rule that will allow you to keep your "I".

Sometimes the victim is afraid that if she begins to get rid of her psychological pathology, to learn dignity, to increase self-esteem, she will lose “ feminine energy", Will cease to be feminine. But no one says to get harsh, rough and harsh! Femininity and personal dignity are quite compatible. Moreover: the servant gradually loses her femininity, turning into a humiliated asexual being. And the queen is the embodiment of royal femininity!

By the way, these same tips are useful for men who want to learn how not to be a victim in a relationship with a girl. Indeed, with all the differences in psychology and worldview, in many respects men and women are similar! Especially when they fall in love and completely dissolve in the object of love ...

Why do you think some women live in the role of victim for years without trying to change the situation? Share your opinion on

Tired of rudeness in public transport and the insolence of colleagues? Even the closest people and best friends constantly betray? So, maybe it's just you?

Why is everyone yelling at someone, while others are afraid to even touch a finger?

The most common complaint of all “victims” is: “Why are they always shouting at me, and all and sundry? Why are they afraid to touch some, and the boors single out one of me from the huge crowd? Why do I always attract such people and why did they decide that they can attack me and vent their anger? "

Indeed, according to research by psychologists, there is such a phenomenon as "victimization". This is the character trait that causes irritation and anger of other people, and even calling them to crime. And even in court, sometimes, when a case of an assault or robbery is being dealt with, the defensive side can talk about the victim's victimhood, which provoked the offender. And, since there are not only thieves and rapists around us, other people in response to victimhood simply shout, offend or stick to "drink blood."

And here are the signs of victimization:

Sloppy appearance, an absent-minded look. To such a person energy vampires they will stick in the first place and be happy to fray their nerves;
Forgetfulness and carelessness, when a wallet sticks out of a pocket, but remains in the minibus big half bags dragged with them;
Awkwardness and a belated reaction - they like to laugh at such;
Too revealing sexy clothes that attract maniacs and arouse normal men. A normal men in turn, they suppress desire, which invariably goes sideways in the form of aggression - naturally, to the object of desire. Therefore, if men are constantly shouting at you in the transport that you have crushed their leg, then interfere with standing, then something else - a skirt, then you need to wear shorter.
Desire for something bad. This happens when a girl grew up in a family where there was constant aggression and violence, and therefore she just got used to this and sometimes can no longer live without emotional outbursts.

So, on the one hand, you need to work on yourself, and on the other, you need to protect your interests.

Will aggression help solve problems?

To all those who, because of their own cowardice and fearfulness, most often think that if they just bark well at the unbelted boor, then all those around them will certainly respect the former coward. This is something like a child's “When I grow up, I’ll show you all!”. But in fact, even a pumped-up man, who has nothing to fear, will not always begin to teach a lesson to someone insolent. And not because he is lazy - it's just that most people understand well that getting involved with aggressors is more expensive for themselves, and not worth their nerves or their health.

And many more have long understood that the problem cannot be solved by retaliatory aggression. This is when a colleague at work loses his girdle, you can still take some measures, even if reciprocal. But in simple situations better to leave, avoid conflict. This is both wiser and more grown-up than boiling from the inside, and then waving your hands in front of the mirror at home. Or even worse - start quarreling and get into a fight. " Best win in a fight, this is not a fight that has started, ”says popular wisdom.

Is it worth re-educating other people?

Aggression always generates a reciprocal aggression, and evil begets evil. Of course, in situations where life or career is ruined due to someone's attacks, drastic measures must be taken. But in other cases, you always need to weigh well - is it necessary to re-educate a boor? And most importantly - will it work? And for how long?

That is why it is absolutely pointless to try to deal with street drunkenness, overweight bureaucrats, transport boors and bosses who imagine themselves to be gods.

“One day a woman, after being yelled at by the chief, left the office, sat down on a bench and died of a heart attack.” Why were you so worried? Why did you take everything so to heart? But the insult negative emotions- this is a struggle, only hidden. With what and why did she fight? Was there a chance to change the impudent and drowned in power of the person? ...

How many accidents happen in a regular metro or minibus. One cheated one, the second one knocked or pushed, and the result is disability. Why reeducate an adult? Today the boor was gagged, and tomorrow he will already arrange a concert in another minibus. This is such a psychology. After all, it is much better to move away from an unpleasant personality or just strictly pacify him. Why waste your nerves and let a real vampire drink blood? Do you have too much of it? :)

And finally, according to crime statistics, more than 60% of murders occur on household level... This is sad. After all, this means that at least every second killer is one who lost his temper before. normal person... Of course, even the most best friends capable of becoming within the same walls sworn enemies, and it is common for a person to get irritated from the habits and way of life of the second. But, the more you show aggression towards another, teach him how to live, eat and sleep, the more this aggression will be in response. You don't like antics sibling? Stop quarreling and expressing to each other. hurtful words, stop generating self-hatred and then consider yourself offended by everyone. Leave the person alone - everyone has the right to live the way he wants. And if you can not refrain from moralizing - rent a house. Here's a simple solution.

And do not pay attention to the saleswoman who has cheated you. Once the queens of the counter felt like goddesses, and even in the villages there was no more prestigious and profitable profession. In front of the saleswomen, they humiliated themselves, were free, it was profitable to make friends with them. But Soviet times passed, but arrogance did not come down from all "girls". And you don't need to knock her down. The fact that someone can be re-educated by society is a myth. So, for example, it happened in one of the capital's grocery stores. The decor was changed, the renovation was done to match the European, and the counters were full of goods. But the saleswomen, the staff of which the management decided not to change (why?), Drank tea in the locker in chorus all day, and continued. And to the indignation of the buyers who became bolder after the changes, they responded with outright rudeness. And this went on for more than one month, and not one scandalous old woman could change anything. Until one day an old man came into the grocery store and asked for a complaint book after another portion of rudeness. Naturally, he did not receive it, but in response to the saleswoman's request they called the police and said that in the store "a man is shouting and insulting people." The result - the old man was taken away by an ambulance with a heart. But children and grandchildren were waiting at home. For whom and for what purpose did he start this struggle? The only plus in this story is that the incident was recorded from eyewitnesses and got into the capital's newspaper. Only after that the grocery store was closed, the saleswomen were fired, and later this building was rented a mini-market with other staff. But how many years before the collapse of the USSR and months in new country every day in these walls they shouted at other people. And how many tried to answer - and nothing happened. The tank cannot be stopped by yourself.

When is a fight still needed?

Of course, it is not always necessary to avoid a dangerous situation or keep silent in response to rudeness. In cases where it makes sense and even a necessity to correct a person, it is worth trying to fight. So, for example, there is a wonderful example in history.

“One day a prominent, healthy man entered a crowded bus. Glancing around at the seated, he walked over to the 42-year-old woman and began forcing her to stand up and give him a seat. The woman refused, for which she paid - at the next stop she was arrested by the police ... "

Yes, this story is not only true - it thundered all over the world. And even this very bus was recently bought for a huge amount of money as a memory of that incident. But the woman became famous this way not at all because she was arrested for refusing to give way to more healthy man- it was perfectly legal. Because it was 1955, and according to the American law then in force, all colored people (mestizos, blacks, Indians) were obliged to give up seats on the bus to whites - regardless of whether those sitting were sick or holding small children in their arms. Those who disobeyed were simply arrested and imprisoned. And this is despite the fact that in city buses sit down on free places"Colored" was possible only where there is an offensive sign "color". And even from there, according to the law, they could be driven out by the "white" who entered. But once the cup of patience of this part of the population simply burst, and the audacious act of not the most courageous woman gave impetus to one of the most famous events in the world. Strikes began, and even sympathetic whites joined the blacks. In general, the strike lasted 381 days, and all this time the buses were empty ... Isn't it true that good patience and perseverance turned out to be among those who have long been accustomed to constant insults and ridicule?

If you once and for all decided to abandon the image of the "victim", start working on yourself:

Raise, finally, your head and look at those around you with a confident and bold look. You are no worse than others, absolutely in nothing. And don't let someone convince you otherwise.
Learn to protect yourself. And for this you do not need to go to boxing classes at all - according to famous bodyguards, even an ordinary one ball pen capable of becoming a serious weapon against the enemy. Just know this, and you will be calmer.
Understand why people are able to ruffle the nerves of another out of the blue. Basically, these are two reasons: the desire to drink blood (energy) and the desire to assert itself at the expense of another. The best way to resist such an offender is not to cry and flap your eyelashes, but to scrutinize the screamer from top to bottom with a raised eyebrow. Usually the aggressor is completely infuriated by this.
Understand who of your people around you are friends, and who just uses you. And communicate only with those people who are pleasant to you, respect you and make life easier, and not with those who plunge you into depression and complicate things for no reason.
Love yourself and love those around you. When a person is benevolent and just glows, few people dare to spoil his mood. Become a kind of sun, in the rays of which you can bask - and you will be grateful.

So how do you stop being a victim? Get rid of victimhood, but do not be like aggressors and boors. Find " middle ground"And develop patience and optimism. Do not be afraid to radically change your life if these changes are for the better!