Death Manipulation by Elderly Parents: How to Avoid Being Trapped in Close Blood Ties? How to tell if your parents are manipulating you

22.07.2019

Manipulation is a phenomenon that is not always easy to recognize. Especially if it is aimed at children by the parents. Indeed, most often she hides under the guise of care and guardianship. And it is even more difficult to cope with it for a child who is financially dependent on his parents, a schoolboy or a student.
If we consider an adult who assumes that his parents are manipulating him and he is suffering from this, then this issue should be dealt with in more detail.
Since there are also families where manipulation is appropriate, and each of the two parties is happy with it. Parents - full control over the child, adult or not, and the child, for their part - complete removal of responsibility for their actions and decisions. Parents always know everything, they will tell you how to do or how not to do it. And a child or an adult can only do everything.
Why it happens? Manipulation is not always a psychological move and a premeditated cunning strategy. Most often it is a repetition of the behavior of their own parents. They grew up in this format of communication and do not know any other way, did not learn. Their internal unresolved conflicts can also be the reason, and manipulation is a symptom, protection from them, the ability to cope with the anxiety they cause.

Manipulations can be completely different, they can be used separately, together, depending on the age of the child or parent, the situation or just the mood. The reason is always in the parents themselves, and we described it above.

Examples:
- parents behave in such a way that they make you feel guilty, press on pity
- constantly monitored and asked to retell how the day went
- begin to hurt sharply, but constantly refuse medical care
- constantly interfere with your personal relationships
- regularly set as an example of friends and their friends
- they see your life and future exclusively in gray tones

What's happening:
The child is never the subject for the parents. Manipulation does not mean taking into account the wishes or preferences of another. He (a child or an adult) will always remain an object for the parent, the one who will do what will remove fear or anxiety, the one who will make him feel important and significant, the one who will always allow him to be always under power or control, the one who can be close emptiness and loneliness.
And of course, always the manipulation of parents gives in under the sauce of care, guardianship and love. And it is very difficult to reject, deny.
After all, for a child, initially, parents are the first and most significant people whom you love and whom you unconditionally believe. And this is normal for young children who are very dependent on their parents. But when a child grows up, it is very important for him to establish his boundaries, to declare his rights and desires. He needs to be separated from his parents, and primarily psychologically. This is exactly what happens in adolescence, when the child begins to rebel, to say constantly and all "no". It is important for him to build his own world where he can be independent. And if this opportunity is not given, if the parents completely dominate their child, then this can continue into adulthood. And it doesn't matter then, you are 20, 30 or 40 years old.
What can be done or how to behave with manipulating parents?
1. First, learn to recognize when you are being manipulated. Some examples are given above. And they are systematic or constant, they cause you aggression or suffering. You notice them, and they interfere with your life. Realizing manipulation is already half of coping with it.
2. Make the decision that you will grow up. The easiest way to manipulate is psychologically not an adult, or an adult child. Mentally, an adult understands his desires, knows how to make decisions and take responsibility for them.
3. Understand your feelings: guilt, shame, fear, aggression, love. It is important to know how you feel in those moments when you are faced with manipulation. And you need to work with these feelings, independently or with specialists. Your relationship with your parents has been polished for a very long time, and you won't be able to change overnight.
4. Find and set your boundaries. This means that you will think about yourself, about what you want, how you want to build your life.
5. Try to understand the parent-child relationship. It can be difficult, painful, unpleasant, and you will encounter negative feelings and experiences. But you can find the truth only in your childhood, where these relationships began to form.
6. And always remember that you have every right to live the way you want it. And this does not mean that you betray your parents and no longer love them. This means that first of all you choose yourself, your desires and a conscious life.

Some of them have a special gift: by pressing on the most painful place, they make children blame themselves for all imaginable sins.
Psychologist Ekaterina Mikhailova tells how, without offending anyone, to get rid of the influence of the mother, to move back to a safe distance in a relationship.

The daughter says to her mother: "We bought a lot of groceries, I hope you don't have to go to the store in the next few days." She replies: "I knew that I would see you no earlier than in a couple of weeks."

Some mothers instinctively touch us where we are most vulnerable and do so no matter how old we are. Their words instantly turn any of us into a bad son or a bad daughter. How can the situation be changed?

Admitting that you are being manipulated

“If we are strongly attached to our mother, it is not easy to understand that she is manipulating us, and we are in fact not to blame for anything,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. “It’s not easy to admit, because over the years we have deeply absorbed (internalized) this type of relationship with her. And, as adults, we still feel the fear of being rejected if we no longer meet my mother's requirements. "

To free yourself from the imposed feeling of guilt, you need to protect yourself from her desires, to overcome the prohibitions that she has established. It may be worth changing jobs or choosing another job if you are doing it at the insistence of your mother.

Or maybe part with a partner whose candidacy she so carefully selected for you. All this will help you understand: contrary to her predictions, the world did not collapse when you took up the implementation of your own plans.

Don't catch the bait

“In the case of emotional blackmail - and this is what you can call the imposition of guilt on another person - you need to remember that you are unlikely to be able to change your mother’s behavior, only your attitude to the situation can change,” emphasizes Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Strengthen the strength to admit that your behavior helps her to keep playing her favorite games.”

Try to change your angle of view and see in the mother not an all-powerful demon, but just a person who does not know how to build relationships differently.

“It is quite possible that it is not easy for mom to ask you, an adult, for something, and she does it in such a strange way,” notes Ekaterina Mikhailova. - But why are you angry, instead of just saying: "I am not ready (a) to discuss this now ..."? " A constructive dialogue can be built only by controlling your behavior, without blaming. It is also helpful to figure out if there is something in your relationship with your mom that you are really to blame for. “If you have something to seriously reproach yourself for when you are alone with your mother, ask her for forgiveness - sincerely and thoughtfully,” advises Ekaterina Mikhailova.

Chances are, the tension in your relationship will gradually subside.

Switch attention

Emotional blackmail is often used by parents who do not have their own life, their own interests. Because of this, they seem to pull the children closer and try to live their lives, completely oblivious to the fact that they are literally suffocating from such closeness.

“Look at your mother with a detachment and think about what“ this woman ”could do,” suggests Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Maybe in her youth she was fond of painting? Invite her to start drawing again, buy what is needed for this, find a place where she can draw for her pleasure. Perhaps with your help she will find her hobby. "

But she will have much less time to interfere in your life.

Make a schedule

Every time, leaving her mother, Marianne is late for the bus: at the moment when she is about to leave, the mother begins to complain that her daughter spent little time with her, and she, proving the opposite, forgets about everything.

“Relationships need clear boundaries,” Ekaterina Mikhailova is sure, “but it takes time to establish them. For example, one of my clients for six (!) Years taught my mother to start a telephone conversation not with a complaint about feeling unwell, demanding urgently to do something, but with a question whether her daughter now has the opportunity to speak. "

Since it is mathematical precision that helps to minimize such conflicts, when you come to visit, immediately tell your parents what time you will leave; Warn in advance that you will not spend your entire vacation at the dacha. Do not start a conversation with the words “I can’t (I don’t want to)” - this “childish grammar” is unlikely to help establish an adult relationship. Better tell about your intentions and feelings. If the situation has gone too far, a radical remedy will help bring it back on track: do not be afraid to slightly "shake" your mother, bring her back to reality, reminding you that you have matured and do not live by her own rules, but by your own rules.

Do not be moved by yourself

“It happens that an adult son or daughter themselves do not want to change their relationship with their mother,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - To some extent, they even like that mother depends on them, it is flattering that it is them that she asks for help. Such children say: "I am her whole life." If you are unhappy that you are being used, but at the same time, such a relationship paradoxically gives a sense of your own significance, you are faced with a choice: leave everything as it is (including your role as an “honorary donor”) and stop expecting from your mother that what she can never give you, or start a long, difficult job, the goal of which is to establish emotional distance in a relationship. "

Be prepared for the fact that your resistance will increase the mother's persistence: she may even resort to one of the most effective methods - attacking or portraying the victim. Since most do this unconsciously, endless conversations, arguments, clarifications will follow, which will require confidence, consistency and firmness from you. This means that you will have to start working on your relationship with yourself.

Be able to maneuver

To achieve the necessary distance in a relationship, some decide to resort to the last resort - deception. "You shouldn't wait for me, until the end of the month I definitely won't be able to come - the audit is at work." The path of lying is simple, but it does not solve the problem of emotional dependence. This also applies to the formal break with the mother: in the end, this is just a way to stop contact with her, and not a solution to the problem. At some point, we run the risk of facing the same claims again.

How to proceed? Insist on sticking to your own boundaries, because they create a space within which you build your life. Follow your own needs and train yourself not to look back at your mother - what she thinks, what she says. Only then can you hope that her words will lose their power over you and you will stop flinching when she again presses on your sore spot.

You can easily answer her "no" and do not feel guilty, or, conversely, say "yes", sincerely agreeing with her. If you can do that, then Mom has lost her ability to drive you to despair. Perhaps you have a new relationship ahead: you will finally be able to get to know a real person and in the future have business with him, and not with the fantastically all-powerful Mom from your long-ended childhood.

Daughters worry more

Who is more susceptible to maternal reproaches - daughters or sons?

“Girls are more worried,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - The ability to give in, take care of others, value human relationships fits into the traditional set of desirable character traits and behavior of daughters. A "good girl" should be on the alert all the time: is she not guilty of something, whether something needs to be corrected, whether she has taken care of enough ... The experiences of the sons are somewhat different. The boy learns faster to project his feelings on other people or to deny them altogether (this is how the mechanisms of psychological defense work). Which is quite understandable: young people are supposed to be courageous, independent, able to go into conflict, which means that they hurt someone's feelings, interests and not really worry about how others, even people close to them, will perceive their words and actions. "

When it comes to manipulation in the relationship between children and parents, in the first place in our minds, as a rule, there is an image of an obstinate and spoiled child.
In fact, the parents themselves are not so rarely manipulators.
First of all, it's worth noting that manipulative parents are not necessarily good psychologists. Their manipulations are very often not a tactical trick or pedagogical trick, but a banal whim and tyranny. Parental manipulation stems from an inadequate understanding of the essence of parenting. They understand responsibility for the child only as tight and persistent control and deprivation of the child's rights to independence.
Parents' manipulation is often a product of their uncertainty and anxiety. And they can cope with these critical conditions only through total control and complete distrust. Although the facade of all this is exceptionally positive, it is all carried out, naturally, from the "desire to do what is best."
Worst of all, manipulative parents do not tend to change this relationship format. Even when the child has long grown out of children's pants, they continue to treat him as an incapacitated toddler who needs an eye and an eye. Such parents have typical manipulative hits like “Mom knows best how to do it,” “You’ll bring me to a heart attack,” “I am ashamed of you in front of people,” “You should,” and “Did I raise you for this?” almost never disappear.
What should children do if they are “lucky” to find themselves with just such manipulative parents? There are several options for behavior.
Understand and endure
It is important to realize that parental manipulation is still not out of malice, it is a consequence of deep reasons - hyperresponsibility, insecurity, fears, etc.
Perhaps this is a direct consequence of the fact that parents outright reproduce the type of relationship that was adopted in their family. Keeping this in mind will make it easier to tolerate their attacks and endless admonition. And do not forget that parents are people who deserve respect even for the fact that they gave you such an invaluable gift as life.
Fight
Many children, having matured and realized that they are victims of parental manipulation, indignantly begin to sort things out with their parents.
The battle for independence under the slogan “I have already grown up” can take place in the form of fierce discussions, or it can result in serious spree and even leaving home. And this and that - for the purpose of proving their adulthood. As a rule, this method rarely leads to success, but only exacerbates the relationship.
Increase distance
To somehow change the situation and rid yourself of an intensely instilled sense of guilt and inferiority, you should slowly but persistently increase the distance between your private life and your parents.

Ideally, this, of course, is separate housing and complete financial independence from parents. But not everyone has this opportunity. Therefore, you need to start small - do not let your parents into your personal space, do not let them keep you on a short leash, do not let them control yourself with frequent calls.
Better call yourself, and the more unexpected the better - there shouldn't be any system here. But at the same time, care and accuracy must be shown.
Parents will be very upset when they realize that you are deliberately and deliberately pushing them out of your life. For them, you are still children, and therefore your separative actions will be extremely painful for them.
Author: su

Parents try to manage the lives of their children, not realizing that they are putting their own mistakes and programs ahead, crippling the fate of their children ...

Let's start by looking at what manipulation is. Why are you being manipulated by all and sundry?

Why do we sometimes so easily submit to someone else's will?

The desire to be needed by someone or the desire to belong to a particular group, is it nothing more than the FEAR of the PERSONALITY?

Especially often we find ourselves in the shackles of manipulation by our parents.

Practically at every consultation, one of the main questions is: "What to do with MOTHER?"

Parents try to manage the lives of their children, not realizing that they are putting their own mistakes and programs ahead, crippling the fate of their children.

Adults: Doctors and teachers, engineers and musicians are trapped in the manipulation of their own loving mums and dads.

Let's try to consider in more detail,what is manipulation really?

Manipulation is influencing a person by distorting information, acting out a feeling in order to make him do something, which often contradicts the goals and needs of the person being influenced (psychological term).

So, the point is that manipulation is the most common way in communication between children and their parents.

We simply do not know how to do this or are afraid, because we understand that we may not like the answer.

And usually, manipulations are completely sincere and that is why people succumb to them, not understanding how to behave.

Most often, in the relationship between parents and adult children, we observe such manipulations as BLACKMAIL“If you don’t, you won’t come back in time, you won’t part with this girl - I’ll have a heart attack, my blood pressure will jump.” And it jumps, and attacks happen ...

What? Sound familiar? Perhaps YOU are doing this?

There is another great manipulation method: Offense- "Nobody understands how bad I am, I am very lonely ...", "I did so much for you, and you! ..." you hurt me! "

And then it's even more interesting: YOU'RE GUILTY - "I gave birth to you, it was such a difficult birth, because of you I didn't go to work, I didn't marry because of you, I put my whole life on you ... - and you! .." and so on, and then, a list attached to it, which you don't do for your mom. Or your dad.

The offended person is silent, and only sometimes looks at you with a mute reproach. Or does not look in your direction at all, which is also difficult for children to endure. Even if they are adult children.

Feelings of guilt are the surest way to get an adult child to do what his parent needs.

And the funny thing is, they stop eating. But just when you look. HERE, I WILL DIE OF HUNGER, says their entire silent gaze.

What? Sound familiar again?

Whatever you do, it will always be bad, but the other is sure to be good: with a neighbor, with a brother, with a nephew.

Constant criticism of children and the desire of those to earn the love of their parents forces the latter to do everything or a lot of what the parents want.

I still remember how my mother told me: “What can you do? You are a fool in our family. Not like your older brother (math school with a gold medal). "

How I cried then!

I was 12 years old, and I still remember it.

My brother, a mathematician, has been dead for 10 years. He died of alcoholism, absolutely unable to find himself in that society.

All the time I remember that there were 4 of them, and today only one is alive.

It is a very sad statistics of the lives that were cut short due to a complete lack of acceptance of oneself as a person, in those families where it was not possible to build relationships on direct communications (I don’t want to do it, please), negotiate, make compromises.

Everyone understands how manipulations work, but internal resources, honesty with oneself are not enough to refuse at least half of them.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents feel sorry for their "old people".

They remember how much effort and time these people have invested in raising them, educating them, sacrificing their interests somewhere.

Often this realization comes when their own children are born, so they are willing to succumb to the manipulative behavior of their elderly parents.

It happens that it seems to adult children that their parents are just perfect, they did everything to make him, the child, happy, which is why he has no right to his own life.

Once my mother told me this phrase: "What right do you have to live for yourself?" Amazing right? I remember that I was simply amazed by the fact that living for oneself sounds, in her understanding, like a betrayal of everyone else. It's just a COLLAPSE of consciousness. I cannot describe it in another way.

Adult children who are manipulated by their parents are usually overly emotional, oversensitive, overly insecure, do not feel their worth, depend on the opinions of others and on their approval.

Such people constantly blame themselves for everything, avoid conflicts, confrontation.

The inability to say NO haunts them all the rest of their lives. Very often they unconsciously play the role of "victim".

The difficult thing in such a relationship is to interrupt the usual way of interaction:

accused, offended - felt guilty,
blackmailed - scared.

Stop giving the opportunity to manipulate you. Believe that parents themselves can do and experience a lot.

We are talking, of course, about those parents who still take care of themselves, are in a sober mind and good memory.

The hardest part is to maintain a relationship, do not break off with anger that has accumulated over many years. Since all manipulations are deposited with us in the form of huge blocks and layers in our mental body, on our heart and on our MANIFESTATION.

But it's even harder to give yourself the right to live your life the right to refuse when blackmailed, manipulated, not to abandon oneself when parents reject it for the fact that an adult child stops playing the games of his elderly parents.

Learn to be aware of our own manipulations, to find out the needs that lie behind them, and to express them openly and honestly.

I'm not even talking about the fact that we have no right to allow ourselves to consciously use manipulations if we want to find love and harmony in life.

Remember: no even the most "highest" goals can justify manipulation... And let's learn to focus on ourselves and our own needs!published. If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to the specialists and readers of our project .

Psychological manipulation is the most common way of communication. In families where it was not possible to build relationships on direct communications (I don’t want to do it, please), negotiate, compromise, manipulations flourish. This type of communication is often seen in the relationship between adult children and parents. And, of course, it causes problems.

We often notice such a form of communication between parents and their adult children as blackmail. “If you don’t do it, you don’t come back on time, you don’t part with this girl - I’ll have a heart attack, my blood pressure will jump.” And it jumps in fact, and attacks happen. Or there is an insult: "Nobody understands how bad I am, how all these words hurt me, I am very lonely (a)", "I did so much for you, and you ..."

Feelings of guilt are the surest way to get an adult child to do what his parent needs. “I gave birth to you, there was such a difficult birth, you were often ill, because of you I didn't go to work, I didn't marry because of you, I put my whole life on you ... - and you! ..” And then the list, what you don’t do for your mom or dad. The offended person closes in, is silent and only sometimes looks at you with a mute reproach. Or he doesn't look in your direction at all, which is also hard for children, even if they have been adults for a long time.

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The constant criticism that children hear in their address, and the desire to earn the love of their parents, forces the former to do all or a lot of what the elders want. The statement “not good enough children” is often heard in families. Whatever you do, it will always be bad, but for someone it will be good: with a neighbor, with a brother, with a nephew.

Everyone understands how manipulation works, but inner resources and honesty with oneself are not enough to give up at least half of them. Adult children who are manipulated by their parents feel sorry for their "old people". They remember how much effort and time these people have invested in raising them, educating them, sacrificing their interests somewhere. Often this realization comes when their own children are born, so they are willing to succumb to the manipulative behavior of their elderly parents. It happens that it seems to adult children that their parents are just perfect, they did everything to make him, the child, happy, which is why he has no right to his own life.

Children who are manipulated by their parents are usually emotional, sensitive, insecure, do not feel their worth, depend on the opinion of their parents, especially on the approval of their parents, constantly blame themselves for everything, avoid conflicts, confrontation. They often unknowingly play the role of “victim”.

One way to deal with conflict is to rebuild your relationship with your manipulative parents. This is the most mature way, but also the most difficult. Many people do not believe that the relationships in which they have been included since childhood are amenable to change.

How to solve the problem of parental manipulation of children?

1. First, it is important to understand and realize that parental manipulation is not evil. They are from excessive responsibility, from lack of confidence in their abilities, from the desire for everything to be fine with you. In the end - because the mother, perhaps in childhood, was also manipulated by her parents.

2. Having found out that mom is also a person, clarify what kind of person. What do you know about her childhood and adolescence, her relationship with her parents, why she chose her profession. Any details are important. Imagine that you are collecting material for her biography. Feel more mature than your own parents. Surely you have more experience in something, and besides, you are decorated with a mature decision to stop being an object of manipulation. Try to treat the manipulating parent the way the doctor treats the patient: kindly, firmly, patiently. There is no need to rush, expose, sort things out. Before you is a cross between a patient and a child. Do not "divorce" on parental attempts to drag you into a scandal and do not pay attention to all parental assessments that come to you.

3. Well, after that you need to start rebuilding your relationship with your parents. On the one hand, gradually increase the distance between them and your own privacy. You shouldn't let your parents into your personal space, don't give a chance to terrorize you with calls. Better to call yourself - and not on schedule, but unexpectedly.

4. On the other hand, parents should not get the impression that you are deliberately pushing them out of your life: show concern, give small gifts, if possible, go out together. After all, who is the most grown-up here - you or your parents? Plan an activity for your parents: losing weight on a schedule, going to the pool, listening to audio books, regularly asking how the process is going, sometimes you can be chided for shirking.