Pedagogical assistance to outcast children. What to do if a child is an outcast

14.05.2019

Chapter from the book of M.M. Kravtsova "Outcast children. Psychological work with the problem.", Published by the publishing house "Genesis". 2005.

It is the family that provides the child with a certain level of intellectual development and instills communication skills. Of course, parents cannot directly influence the situation in the team. But often they notice before teachers that their child is uncomfortable in the classroom, that he has a bad relationship with classmates. If this is the case, action must be taken immediately - it is better to go and talk about the disturbing symptoms with the homeroom teacher to dispel doubts than to allow the situation to spiral out of control. In a similar situation, parents turn to a school psychologist for help. Communicating with the parents of unpopular schoolchildren, I conditionally identified several types of their reactions to the situation in the classroom.

* Parents understand that the child has communication problems, but do not know how to help him (sometimes they are convinced that this cannot be done). They admit that in childhood they also experienced difficulties in communicating with peers.

The mother of the second-grader Fedya herself is very withdrawn, at school she hardly communicates with anyone, waiting for her son after school, at parental meetings and holidays she usually avoids other parents. I always see her with a worried expression on her face, during a conversation with me or the class teacher, she keeps herself tense. Once we witnessed Fedya's quarrel with classmates. Mom was confused and scared.

Uncommunicative, withdrawn parents cannot teach a child to effectively interact with others. After all, the most important example is the example that parents give their children when communicating with other people.

* Parents believe that the child is all right, and if there are any problems, the others are to blame for them: teachers who improperly organize communication in the class; children who are aggressive and do not know how to communicate normally; their parents raising their children in the wrong way.

The mother of a very aggressive boy, Andrei, did not want to admit that the problem was not her son's classmates, but his inability to communicate with them. Andrei loved to laugh at the failures of his comrades, called them names, and tried to lead in games. According to the results of sociometry, it turned out that none of his classmates wants to take Andrey into their team and no one would entrust him with their secret1).

By the way, sometimes it is the position of the parents that becomes the reason for the rejection of their child by others. The child tends to consider others to be guilty of his problems, does not know how to admit his mistakes, treats his peers with a sense of superiority, does not want to reckon with their interests and opinions. In the studies of V.M. Galuzinsky emphasizes that the reasons for the rejection of some tenth-graders lie in the individualism fueled by the parents (for example, emphasizing the special giftedness of their child in comparison with those around them) 2).

Sometimes parents are right - those around them are really to blame for the bad attitude towards their child.

The negative attitude towards Senya from the first grade was provoked by the class teacher, who disliked both Senya himself and his parents. The teacher called the boy only by his last name, never praised him, more often than the others, she made comments. Her hostility towards him was gradually passed on to the rest of the students.

In a situation where there is a specific abuser (teacher or classmate), parents often seek to "deal with" him themselves. They go to complain to the administration about the unfair treatment of their child by the teacher. If the child is bullied by classmates, then the parents, when they come to school, scold the offender, threaten him or reprimand his parents. Unfortunately, such actions do not help, but harm the child. As a result, the teacher, upon learning of the complaint, is imbued with even greater dislike for the unfortunate student. Persecutors become more cautious and sophisticated in their bullying, threatening reprisals if the victim complains to anyone again. And the parents of the abuser do not remain in debt either. Sometimes one has to observe very ugly scenes when the parents of the offender and the victim scream, insulting each other in front of the children. Naturally, such an example of "resolving" conflicts is not useful for children. In addition, parents are doing their child a disservice by this kind of intercession.

Sonia's mother, starting from the first grade, came to "deal" with her daughter's classmates, who teased her. The girl got used to complaining a little to her mother, and among her classmates she was known as a sneak, no one wanted to be friends with her.

* Parents who ask for help realize that the child is bad in the classroom due to the peculiarities of his personality. They are ready to cooperate with a psychologist and class teacher and help the child. This type of reaction is most common.

The problem of rejected children is a double-edged sword. None of the parents want their child to become a victim, be attacked and harassed by others. And at the same time, hardly anyone wants their child to be the initiator of the bullying of another.

Working with the parents of persecuting or persecuting children is not easy. Not every parent can admit that his affectionate, kind child can take pleasure in humiliating a peer.

Here is what the mother of one child said: “Five-six-year-olds on the playground all the time unite and attack one person. I told my son that it was not permissible to do this. day he attacked his comrade with the same enthusiasm along with everyone. " Children tend to unite against something that does not please their peer. This is called being friends against someone. Parents are upset that their child succumbs to the general mood and commits unseemly acts. In this case, they should try to explain to the child how his behavior looks from the outside, make him think about the feelings of the victim. A child striving for independence can be said that in this situation he behaves like a ball - where he kicked, he rolled there. No manifestation of your own will. In general, the ability to resist the team does not come immediately. But it is precisely by giving the opportunity to analyze one's own behavior that one can bring closer the moment when the child ceases to succumb to the influence of others.

It is necessary to explain to the child that it is unacceptable to call others names, to laugh at them - let him put himself in their place. It is necessary to teach the child to reckon with the opinions of others, to find compromises.

If the victim is not sympathetic to the parents, you should not "add fuel to the fire" by discussing this with your child. In the end, the child must learn to be tolerant and agreeable.

In conversations with the child or in his presence, one should not give assessments to other parents, children, teachers.
What to do if a child is rejected

Not all children can and want to tell their parents about their problems, and the older the child, the less likely he is to complain to his parents about what is happening. It is worth showing interest in your child's affairs, but doing it unobtrusively. If he doesn't tell anything himself, you should watch him.

First of all, you need to go to school, talk with teachers about your child's relationship with classmates, watch how the child behaves in class after school or at recess, on holidays: does he show initiative in communication, with whom he communicates, who communicates with him, etc. You can turn to a school psychologist for help, it is easier for him to monitor children.

The following symptoms may indicate that the child is bad in the classroom, he is rejected.

Child:
- reluctantly goes to school and is very glad of any opportunity not to go there;
- returns from school depressed;
- often cries for no obvious reason;
- never mentions any of his classmates;
- speaks very little about his school life;
- does not know who to call to learn lessons, or refuses to call anyone at all;
- for no apparent reason (as it seems) refuses to go to school;
- lonely: no one invites him to visit, to birthdays, and he does not want to invite anyone to him.

How to help your child build relationships in the classroom (appeal of a psychologist to parents)

Be sure to warn the teacher about your child's problems (stuttering, having to take medications by the hour, etc.). Stuttering, tics, enuresis, encoporesis, skin diseases should be monitored and, if possible, treated. All this can cause ridicule from peers.

It is necessary to provide the child with everything that will allow him to meet the general school requirements. If black shorts are needed for physical education lessons, then you should not offer pink shorts to your child, believing that this is not important. It may not matter for the teacher, but classmates will tease the child. This does not mean that you have to follow the child's lead and buy him a hat "like Lenka from 5" B "".

Encourage your child to change their behavior. After all, if a stereotype has developed, then any action is predictable: The child behaves according to a pattern set by others. But if he reacts to standard circumstances in an unexpected way, then perhaps he will be able not only to puzzle his pursuers, but also to take a step towards overcoming the current situation. For example, you can offer the child, instead of starting to cry or hitting everyone in a row, look into the eyes of the offenders and calmly ask: "So what?" - or start laughing with them. In general, to do what is not expected of him at all.

Try to ensure that your child interacts with classmates outside of school. Invite them to visit, arrange holidays, encourage the child to communicate with them.

It is necessary to promote the child's participation in class activities, trips in every possible way. You should not pick up your child from school right after school, even for the sake of English or music lessons. Otherwise, all the guys will become friends with each other, and your child will remain a stranger in the classroom.

You should not come to school personally to deal with the offenders of your child; it is better to inform the class teacher and the psychologist. Do not rush to rush to protect the child in any conflict situation with classmates. Sometimes it is useful for a child to go through all the stages of the conflict - this will help him learn how to independently solve many problems. But, while accustoming the child to independence, it is important not to overdo it and not to miss a situation with which the child is not able to cope without the intervention of adults. Such a situation, of course, is the systematic bullying and bullying of a child by peers.

Attention! If the situation has gone too far, for example, the child is constantly humiliated or beaten - react immediately. First of all, protect your child from communication with the offender - do not send him to school. Dealing with the offenders is not the most important thing (although you should not leave them unpunished - they will choose a new victim for themselves). It is important to help your child cope with the trauma he has received, so he will most likely have to be transferred to another class. The child will need to learn not to be afraid of peers and to trust them.

A few words about self-confidence

If the child in the class is not loved and rejected, his parents need to:

Be ready to cooperate with a teacher and a psychologist;
- show tolerance and restraint towards offenders;
- and most importantly - to support your child.

I have already said that children often become unpopular if they have any physical disabilities or behavioral problems, and are insecure. It is the parents who can help the child overcome the feeling of inferiority, turn the disadvantage into dignity. However, parents, on the contrary, are often too critical and intolerant of the peculiarities of their child. Unfortunately, we too often give any assessment to the actions and words of our children, sometimes without even noticing it. The child seems to us too active, and we, lamenting, say to a friend: "He is restless." Thus, we predict his future based on our assessment, and, communicating with the child, we begin to drive him into the framework of our negative forecast. "You are always spinning, you are mad! You can never sit in silence ..." and so on. If the child is quiet and does not seek to communicate with others, we worry that it will be difficult for him to make friends, he will be lonely. The child says something that does not correspond to our mood, we abruptly cut him off: "Again you are talking nonsense!" By sticking labels, we convince the child - he is just like that:

Insecure, restless, stupid. The child, first unconsciously, and then consciously, begins to build his behavior, proceeding from the role prescribed to him by adults.

Boy Vasya, the hero of the story by Yu. Yakovlev "Knight Vasya", because of his fullness and awkwardness was nicknamed Matufyak, and he dreamed of knightly armor. But "besides the mocking mirror, his mother returned him to reality. Hearing his steps from the kitchen, from which the glasses clinked pitifully, my mother shouted:" Caution! An elephant in a china shop! And parents in this difficult situation from allies and helpers themselves turn into persecutors, and the child is left alone with his problem. If the parents do not accept the child as he is, mock him, then what to expect from the rest.

As a child, I really liked the tales of the wonderful Finnish writer Tove Janson about Moomin. In one of them, the Moomintroll, playing hide and seek with his friends, hid in the Wizard's hat and left there so transformed that his friends did not recognize him and even gave him a thrashing. At first, Moomin-mother, who came to the noise, did not recognize her son either, but, looking intently into his "frightened eyes-plates", she admitted that it was Moomin-troll. And then he became himself again. Moominmama hugged him and uttered the words that especially impressed me: "I will always recognize my little Moominson, no matter what happens." For me, these words are the main meaning of parental love and support: acceptance and help to the child in any situation. The main thing is to be able to accept your child (maybe more shy or overly emotional compared to others) as he is ...

Calm, self-confident parents, who do not expect instant super-achievements from the child, who are sympathetic to his successes and failures, are the key to the child's development of self-confidence and adequate self-esteem.
How to help your child become more confident (appeal of a psychologist to parents)

In difficult situations, do not strive to do everything for the child, but do not leave him alone. Offer to cope with the problem together (whether it's your shoelaces or your first fight with a friend). Sometimes it's enough just to be with the child while he tries to do something.

Parental love for a child is not an obvious thing; if the parents do not show their warm feelings in any way, then the child may decide that he is not loved. This will form in him a sense of helplessness and insecurity, and therefore, self-doubt. Body contact helps to overcome this feeling. You can just pat the child on the head, hug, sit on your knees. It will never be superfluous neither for kids, nor for preschoolers, nor for younger students.

All of the above does not mean that the child should not be criticized. But, while censuring him, you should make it clear that you are criticizing a specific act of the child, and your attitude towards him does not change. You can tell your child: "We always love you, no matter what you do, but sometimes it is difficult for us not to be angry (offended) at you!"
Friends of children

Parents are often concerned about the problem of the child's friendship with peers. Usually they worry that their child is either not friends with anyone, or is friends with the wrong one.

Shy children usually have problems with friends. Indeed, shy and timid children are more likely than aggressive children to suffer from isolation. Therefore, a very shy and reserved child needs the help of adults to establish communication. In a favorable classroom environment, such a child gradually finds a suitable companion and feels quite comfortable.

Sometimes very sociable parents are worried that their child does not seek to actively communicate with peers, he has few friends. But some need a lot of friends to feel happy, while others need just one friend. According to research by psychologists, at least one mutual affection in the classroom makes a child more self-confident and provides him with a more comfortable existence in a team compared to a child who is chosen by many, but not those whom he chooses. Having friends is a very important part of a child's emotional well-being. Regardless of age, a friend for a child is someone with whom it is interesting, who will support, with whom you can do something together, this is the feeling that you are not alone and that someone is interested. Growing up, the child invests in the concept of friendship more serious and deeper relationships.

Parents usually get upset if those whom their child calls friends offend him, neglect him, do not value friendship. If parents do not like their child's friends, then you should not insist on ending the relationship and constantly criticize the friend or girlfriend. It makes sense to draw the child's attention to the negative aspects of the peer and leave it to him to decide whether to continue this relationship. Sometimes it is enough, as if by the way, to ask: “Well, did Petya wait for you?”, “Did Tanya treat you to something?” For the child to think about how his friends relate to him. It happens that a child retains a humiliating relationship for him from despair. For example, at the dacha he has no one else to communicate with, and he is glad to have any companion. And the other child understands that they are dependent on him, and uses it.

Quiet, dreamy Nastya treasured her friendship with the brisk and self-confident Masha, who constantly guided her, forced her to obey. Something was not on her. Masha threatened Nastya that she would not be friends with her. Nastya was often upset because of this, but, according to her mother, she continued to "dance to the Machine's tune." This was until Nastya went to school, where she had new friends - she saw that relationships can be built in a different way, without blackmail and threats, on an equal footing. Nastya has become more critical of Masha. When I asked what she dislikes most of all in her peers, Nastya said: “I don’t like it when they are forced to do what I don’t want, and they say:“ Then I won’t play with you anymore! ”Here is my friend Masha doing this.” I asked why she continues to communicate with her. Nastya replied: "Masha comes up with a lot of things, it's interesting with her."

As practice shows, children who are actively rejected by their classmates usually do not have stable friendships outside of school. However, if a child unpopular in the classroom has the opportunity to communicate with peers in addition to school - in the yard or in circles where he is accepted and appreciated - then the lack of recognition at school does not hurt him.
How to help a child in choosing friends (appeal of a psychologist to parents)

You need to know all of your child's friends, especially if you are afraid of negative influence from them. We need to help organize communication for the child, create an appropriate environment. It is not enough just to give it to a suitable team, invite the children home, if possible, get to know their parents. Most importantly, subtly create an acceptable social circle for the child (you should take care of this while the child is still young). It can be the children of your friends, classmates, any club, circle, section, in a word, any society that brings together people with similar interests and friendly attitude to each other.

The task of parents is not only to support a child in a difficult situation, but also to teach him how to interact with others. There is no need to try to completely protect the child from negative experiences. In everyday life, it is impossible to avoid anger, resentment, or encounter with cruelty. It is important to teach children to resist aggressors without being like them. The child should be able to say "no", not to succumb to the provocations of his comrades, to treat failures with humor, to know that it is sometimes more correct to devote adults to his problems than to understand on his own, and be sure that his relatives will not dismiss him, but will help and support in difficult times.

Not only the pronounced differences between the child and his peers can cause rejection by his team. It happens that a boy in a wheelchair or a girl with funny glasses is perceived by classmates as completely normal. And it also happens that a child whose clothes (just) look poor or, on the contrary, are too bright, expensive and elegant, causes such negative emotions in other children that its owner becomes persona non grata and feels extremely uncomfortable.

How outcasts appear in the classroom

The child is an outcast in the classroom

According to psychologists, in children's collectives (class, group), there is often a concentration of emotions, both positive and negative. Everyone knows that it is much more pleasant to rejoice with friends, but you also want to throw out negative emotions - anger, hatred, anger and contempt, feeling the support of others.

Of course, the behavioral characteristics are embedded in the family. It is there that stereotypes of behavior are born: a child, in whose eyes the father constantly offends his mother or elderly family members, involuntarily copies this demeanor. In addition, the desire to show aggression is born as a result of the suppression of his own personality, this is how the character of the one who persecutes is formed.

And the child who is accustomed to a subordinate role in the family usually becomes persecuted. Such children are not taught to defend their own point of view, they are sure that they are not listened to, their opinion is worthless. So in the classroom, among peers, such a child out of habit behaves in the same way, constantly expecting ridicule, cruel jokes or, even worse, complete ignorance.

What are the outcasts

The child is an outcast in the classroom

It is not at all necessary that an outcast child will necessarily be withdrawn, timid, and intimidated. Child psychologists distinguish several psychotypes of such children:

Clown- surprisingly, such children themselves expose themselves to ridicule, fencing themselves off from the children's collective, not wanting to live according to the rules generally accepted in this society, which they do not like. Outcast clowns are usually very developed, which allows them to never bring a conflict situation to a critical point: at some point, they are able to make their classmates laugh by doing a ridiculous act or saying something absurd. This type is the least traumatic for.
"White crow"- this is the name of children who, unlike clowns, cannot control the situation in any way, since there are external reasons and factors that make them different from others. As a rule, these are children of a different religion, a different race or ethnic group, respectively, their appearance (clothing, skin color) and demeanor become a barrier separating them from their peers.
Antagonist- this type is the most difficult. The fact is that children become antagonists, who, due to their upbringing and the atmosphere in the family, behave extremely selfishly and consider themselves better and smarter than all the other children in the class. Their behavior is defiantly arrogant, they themselves provoke a negative attitude of their peers towards themselves, because they constantly emphasize their superiority and uniqueness. Such and humiliate everyone in a row, and even teachers sometimes become a target for their backbiting.

It is worth noting that no matter what psychotype the outcast child belongs to, there is a common character trait that unites everyone: this is the inability to think constructively. Such children cannot understand the true reason that made them outcasts, they do not try to fix the situation and almost always blame their classmates for their troubles, without thinking about their own behavior.

How to help an outcast child

The child is an outcast in the classroom

The solution of this issue, first of all, becomes the task of parents and only secondarily - of teachers. It is very important to notice in time that the student does not develop relationships with other children, because it is much easier and more painless to correct the situation before it has turned into a serious problem.

So the first thing a parent needs to do is talk frankly with the child and find out what exactly is going on in his class. In no case should you make any assessments and draw conclusions until the picture is fully cleared up.

Second, you will have to talk to the teacher, so you will be able to look at the problem from the other side. But the child should not be present at this conversation, it is better if he does not know about it at all. Otherwise, there is a risk that the student's attitude to the teacher will change dramatically, he may begin to be shy, withdrawn, because he thinks that the teacher is unhappy with him, or he will behave aggressively, deciding that the teacher supports his offenders.

You should not promise your child that you will punish those who offend him. First, such intervention in child conflict can only exacerbate the situation. Secondly, a small person must, to the best of his ability, cope with the problem. This way he will learn to be strong and be able to defend himself.

Of course, here we are not talking about a physical way of resolving the conflict, on the contrary, the child needs to be taught to "resolve" the situation in a peaceful way. For example, if someone is making fun of him and making fun of him, invite him to laugh with everyone. Explain that this behavior will discourage bullies because they expect him to cry. Then, having not received what they want, they will no longer be interested in mocking their classmate.

and someone sits alone and hears only reproaches and ridicule in their direction?

A question that no one can answer unequivocally. But let this problem go

you can’t take it by chance.

How do you know if a child is an outcast?

Children are not always open and can talk about their problems in communicating with peers and children from the yard.

Sometimes children become isolated and it is difficult to find out from them, at least some kind of information, and therefore the parent must

always pay attention to your child and his behavior. We must never forget that children are

extremely cruel and the most important task is to help the child get out of this situation.

First signs:

He does not communicate with any of his classmates after school.
He comes home from school in a constantly depressed mood.
May cry when locked in a room or bathroom.
Comes with broken or torn items.
There are bruises and abrasions on the body.
Things often go missing.
Doesn't want to talk about classmates.
In any way, he tries to avoid going to school or on the street (not to be confused with simple laziness).
Becomes aggressive, closed and sad.

Having noticed such symptoms, we do not need to run away immediately with interrogation, but gradually we prepare the child for this conversation.

and myself. You need to devote a lot of time to a conversation, 5 minutes is definitely not enough.

Causes

To help, you need to first understand the very essence of the problem. Factors that cause

bad attitude towards the child:

Uncommunicative. Children always communicate during breaks, and if one of the children ignores communication,

then gradually he becomes an outcast, he is simply trying to survive from the class.

Doesn't look neat. Dirty clothes, bad smell, etc.
"Not like everyone else." Strabismus, stuttering, lameness, etc.
Afraid to stand up for himself. A child who, at least once, will allow himself to be humiliated or offended, in the future will always

will be ridiculed, humiliated and beaten.

The child communicates everything to parents and teachers, because of this, classmates often have problems.
Monetary dysfunction of the family.

But it happens that the child is not an outcast, but he is simply unpopular in his class. This fact too

can make the child upset and unwilling to go to school.

How to help your child get out of the situation

If the child does not want to open up and talk about the problems that have arisen, then the decision cannot be postponed.

this problem for tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, or even in a year, you need to act immediately, because

not all children can withstand the onslaught of classmates, and all this can end in suicide.

The best option is to go to a specialist who will gradually lead you to a frank conversation.

and will find solutions to the problem. If there are no such funds, then you can always turn to a free

a psychologist at school or teachers for help. But educators are not always aware of classroom relationships,

especially since this can only happen after lessons. Whatever a child does not tell, you never have to go

to showdowns with shouts and threats to children and their parents. You need to pull yourself together and start solving the problem

wisely, no matter what complicates the child's life.

Stages of helping a child:

Caring for the appearance of the child;
Going to the cinema, museum or other place where he would like to visit.
Develop a sense of humor.
Make an effort to correct speech or external differences.
Do not insult or humiliate.
Teach you to defend yourself, not with your fists, but with a word.
Sign up for a lesson in dancing, music, drawing, etc. They will help the child to take a break from problems, relieve stress and become more self-confident.

The most important thing is not to overdo it with the number of classes, you need to remember that

that the child needs free time for himself. If the child definitely refuses to go to this school,

then think about changing schools. The health and happiness of children depends only on their parents

and you cannot shift your responsibility to teachers,

and other parents. The most important way to solve problems is to be the child's best friend,

which you can turn to in any situation and not hear a thousand reproaches in your direction.

Outcast in the classroom. How can tragedy be prevented?

Each team is built, functions and develops according to certain laws. In every group (children, teenagers or adults) there are popular people and not so. In any group, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise from time to time. In a "healthy" team, any conflict situation is a step towards further development, but, unfortunately, in children's teams this is not so common.

As a rule, we are faced with a phenomenon called bullying (from the English bully - to bully, intimidate). Experts regard insults, threats, physical aggression, constant negative assessment of the “victim” (outcast) and her activities, and refusal of trust as manifestations of bullying. In recent years, a new type of school bullying has emerged, the so-called cyberbullying. This is a situation in which the “victim” receives abusive messages to his email address on the Internet or on social networks. Taunts and bullying from classmates in the form of letters, videos and photographs affect the outcast child as much as traditional forms of school harassment.

A child may become an outcast in the case of ignorance, when they simply do not pay attention, do not communicate, do not notice, forget, have nothing against, but are not interested in the life of a classmate either. The reasons why children in school life are sometimes forced to try on the status of an outcast can be completely different: from insufficiently beautiful clothes, according to classmates, to low self-esteem and inability to communicate.

Who are the outcasts? What is the right way for parents to behave in this situation? Let's try to figure it out.

In a situation of bullying, there are always “instigators”, their “victims” and, of course, “persecutors” - the bulk of children who, under the leadership of the instigators, carry out the bullying. It is important to understand that most often the basis of the persecution of someone by instigators is the desire to assert themselves, to stand out. Very rarely, bullying is the result of personal revenge for something. As a rule, children who are not self-confident tend to assert themselves at someone's expense; this is a kind of compensation for their grievances and feelings of their own inferiority. If we talk about "persecutors", then here it should be noted, first of all, their lack of independence, unwillingness to take responsibility, lack of self-confidence.

Now about the outcasts themselves. Observing the relationships in the classroom, it can be noted that often rejected children can themselves provoke attacks against them. At times they can be intrusive, inadequate, easily succumb to the provocations of classmates, give the expected reactions. As a rule, children offend those who are offended, who "betray" a violent reaction, whether it be a fight or tears, to any teasing, remark, or statement addressed to them. There is always something in the “victim” that provokes attacks from others. This may be an unusual appearance (noticeable scars, lameness, squint), soft character, inability to stand up for oneself, inability to communicate, unkempt clothes, frequent absences from classes, poor academic performance, and the like.

The widespread belief that children should learn to resolve the conflict among themselves is not true in this case. In such cases, the intervention of adults is simply necessary.

Parental responses and behaviors will vary according to the child's personality and classroom relationships. Here is an example of a flow for parents:

First of all, you need to understand the reasons for this situation.
You need to support your child, teach him to be more active, react more calmly to comments and protect himself.
It is necessary to praise and encourage the child more, noting even the smallest achievements, and not scolding for poor grades. By doing so, you will increase his self-esteem and create a sense of success. It is important for your child to feel that you really love and accept him for who he is, with all his merits and demerits. When your child has high enough self-esteem and self-confidence, he will no longer be hurt by other people's insults. As a result, he will ignore his offenders and they will no longer be so interested in offending and teasing him. Feeling the protection of his family, the child will eventually be able to learn to cope with problems on his own, to fight back those who offend him.
Explain and show your child how you can change his behavior, bring and play different situations by roles. It is important to understand: if a stereotype of behavior has developed, then any action will be predictable and will be played according to a given pattern. But if you teach him to react in unexpected ways to standard circumstances, then perhaps he will be able not only to puzzle his classmates, but also to take a step towards overcoming this stereotype. For example, instead of starting to fight or cry at an offensive remark, start laughing with everyone or make a joke.
It is important that you listen to your child and help him meet the requirements of the school, age and not to be a “black sheep”. For example, if a teenage girl wants a modern bag, you shouldn't force her to go to school with a backpack, or insist on clothes that she considers out of date.
Make an effort and help your child connect with classmates in and out of school. For example, you can invite them to visit for a theme party, birthday. Help your child participate in class activities, trips, field trips, extras, group activities.
It is not necessary to come to school and personally deal with the "offenders" of your child, you should notify the class teacher, contact the school psychologist and ask them to observe and understand the situation.

Parents need to be attentive to their children's school life and take an active part in it in order to keep abreast of events and respond to them in a timely manner.

Very often, the situation of a "outcast" in the classroom does not develop by accident, and many cases are easier to prevent than deal with the consequences. If there is an outcast in the class, this is the problem of the whole team, and not of one particular child, since there is a violation of the development of interpersonal relations for each child, which in the future may affect the system of their life values and relationships. The problem of bullying and neglect cannot be solved by trying to address only a few symptoms. Any intervention in this situation should be complex, that is, it is necessary to identify the reasons, motives of the parties involved and provide them with the necessary assistance. It is important not to close your eyes to the existence of the problem and to approach the solution delicately. If your family is faced with a similar situation, remember that the school has psychologists who can help resolve this issue.

As a rule, talking about teacher injustice and illogicality is the "favorite hobby" of adolescents. On the one hand, they are more critical of adults than younger schoolchildren, on the other hand, they have more confidence in their abilities, their ability to confront adults in general and with teachers in particular.

Dad, is this okay ...?! The mathematician gave us a test without warning; The literary lady wants us to read War and Peace in two weeks, the physical education instructor said that I am a weakling if I cannot pull myself up ten times ... - variations on the theme can be very different. Already in the very formulation of the question, there is a hidden statement that at least one person - your son or daughter - the described situation does not seem normal at all and causes a lot of negative feelings.

What kind of feelings can these be? Anger, irritation, resentment, fear, anxiety, confusion and shame. The first three arise when a teenager thinks he has been treated unfairly. Fear is an emotional response to a situation of danger, and unlike anxiety, with fear there is always an idea of what exactly scares. Shame arises in response to an external (i.e. actually uttered) or internal reproach (when I reproach myself), and only if this reproach is perceived as a clear indication of the unacceptability, inadequacy, unworthiness of the act. And, finally, confusion appears most often when a teacher, whom the adolescent respects or at least is used to obeying, says or does something that does not seem fair, correct, or at least acceptable to the adolescent.

Any situation can cause any one emotion or awaken a whole "bouquet" of them. So, for example, a teenager may be angry with the teacher for giving the test and be ashamed of the received deuce or fear of catching up from the parents. Behind the story of your child that the teacher shouted at one of his classmates, used abusive language at him or kicked him out of the class, there may be, in addition to anger, a fear that one day they may do the same to him (yell, insult, kick out) ...

Whatever the situation is, it is very important to refrain from automatically "joining" your child in his condemnation of the teacher or from the same automatic explanation that he or his friends are to blame for their troubles. In the first case, you run the risk of turning the teenager against the teacher and seriously complicating their relationship. And with the regular repetition of this scenario, also to form the adolescent confidence that teachers and only teachers are always to blame for any problems that arise at school - they did not find contact with him, did not motivate him to study, could not explain the material in such a way that he understood ... In the second case (when an adult explains to a teenager that he was wrong) there is a risk of ruining the relationship with his child. After all, no one likes to hear statements in the spirit of "It is my own fault" in response to their experiences.

What is the teenager waiting for and how can you help him? The same as any person who finds himself in a difficult situation for himself and experiences some strong feelings in it - understanding and support. And the task of an adult is to help a teenager realize his feelings, cope with them and find a way out of a difficult situation.

To solve these problems, the adolescent must first of all listen. This is where a technique called empathic or active listening works well. Such listening assumes that we are trying to understand the situation and reflect the feelings that are behind the words of the interlocutor. In practice, it might look like this.

Teenager (P.): She threw us a test again without warning!

Adult (V.) You seem to be very angry.

P.: Yeah, so she also added that, like, she doesn't understand what the problem is - the test will have tasks similar to those that were asked at home. The test is not homework! Sit at home and think as much as you want. And then 40 minutes and that's it!

Q: You ran out of time and are you afraid that you wrote badly?

P: Yes, not ... Not really. Well, not grades, I mean. It's just a shame. It's hard for me to write tests, even if I know the topic normally, I'm still afraid, but here Natalya Aleksandrovna talks about it as if it's so simple.

Such listening allows you to reduce the emotional tension of the situation, to induce the teenager to a more detailed story about what worries him, promotes him in solving the problem on his own. This independence can manifest itself in different ways: as a child's solution to a problem, or as a request for help or advice. On the face of it, there seems to be no difference between offering advice or help right away and offering it when asked by your child. But in fact, the difference is quite significant.

In the first case, the adult immediately offers his ready-made solution. This can be offensive, because it makes it clear that the situation, which seems difficult to him, for you is a "trifling matter". Again, when a teenager is overwhelmed by his feelings, it can be difficult for him to adequately accept the advice of a parent, especially if following this advice requires a partial admission that he was wrong or a significant effort to implement it.

In the second case, with a leisurely discussion of the problem, the teenager has the opportunity to find a solution for himself or to formulate exactly what he needs help or advice and calmly accept them.

What if I believe that the teenager is wrong, that he has no right to be angry or offended by the teacher? Wrong and not entitled to any feelings - these are completely different things, although they are often mentioned separated by commas. Anyone has the right to experience any feeling in any situation, because they are a "reflection" of an individual's vision of a situation, and by themselves they cannot do any harm to another person. Perhaps the teenager just misunderstood the situation, and then his feelings will change as soon as he can figure it out. Perhaps there are some points in the situation that are not obvious to you, then it is important to try to understand which ones. You will have time to express your point of view when the emotional intensity of the situation subsides somewhat, and the teenager can hear your logical remarks.

And if active listening does not help: does the child still have his opinion? Active listening is not a way to change a child's mind, not a way to get what you want from him. It is a way to show your child that you understand and accept him, a way to maintain or develop a warm, loving relationship with him. The answer to your sincere participation and interest will be the teenager's sincerity and trust, his willingness to share his joys and sorrows with you, faith in your love and understanding.

There are times, however, when empathy, emotional support, and advice are not enough. These are situations where the teacher's words or actions are offensive or dangerous to the teenager's physical or psychological well-being. In these situations, you need to mediate between him and the teacher, perhaps involve a school psychologist and administration. Be sure to warn your teenager about your intentions and get their consent. A teenager should know that in all situations that he really cannot, mom and dad will undoubtedly come to the rescue.

All over the world and in almost every class there are one or two students who do not fit into the team. Peers do not want to accept them, many teachers are disdainful, resentment and nagging arise almost every day. Especially the problem of "white crows" manifests itself in the transitional adolescence, when the child begins the process of identifying himself as a person and the need for self-affirmation.

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A child who has fallen under the "distribution" desperately needs the help of adults and sometimes psychologists. Because when this problem remains open, the consequences can be very serious.

How can you tell if a child has become an outcast?

It is good when your child openly talks about the events at school and shares his experiences, but mostly the child tries to keep the problem within himself. Moreover, the more he is slaughtered at school, the more he withdraws into himself. This can also serve as an indicator that a problem exists. Pay attention to the mood in which your child goes to school:

does not want to go to school, or dramatically changes mood when talking about school and classmates;
comes home upset, sullen, or aggressive;
crying for no reason;
bruises, abrasions, torn clothing and lack of explanation for the incident;
does not introduce you to friends, does not go to visit classmates;
when clarifying homework, he tries not to call anyone or does not know who;
the child's things began to disappear;
often feigns illness to avoid going to school, or enjoys being out of school.

The task of parents who have noticed problems in the child's behavior is to talk to him about it. But since children do not always want to talk about such things, it will be very difficult to get an adequate answer. You can turn to a teacher or school principal, but they rarely see the full picture of the relationship of their students, they are much more concerned about academic performance. You need to tune in to a sincere conversation, very carefully lead to it, while it is important not to put pressure on the child.

Outcast child: finding out the reasons

After it became clear that there is a problem, it is necessary to deal with its cause. What exactly pushes the team away from the child, and how serious is it?

Untidiness or poverty. A person in worn out, wrinkled or unkempt-looking clothes from the Middle Ages causes a negative impression, let alone the era of gadgets and megacities. At the same time, children do not immediately understand the division into rich and poor, so a person who somehow stands out from the crowd with his appearance immediately causes dissonance, fear and neglect.

Expressed physical or. Strabismus, stuttering, short stature, overweight are the most common causes of negativity in the team. At the same time, they can be aggravated by natural isolation and inability to stand up for themselves.

Moral weakness. Such children cannot stand up for themselves, they are afraid of those who are physically stronger or more insolent. Noticing this, the guys begin to persecute for a reason: he still won't do anything to me.

Initial withdrawal and negative attitude. Children also often begin to be afraid of such “beech”, while the very character of the child can be considered by the collective as a protest, which causes the process of rejection.

Although the reason for teasing can be any: presence, and simply; the presence of glasses; a hairstyle that seems strange or unfashionable to some classmates; a specific habit, such as not tying your shoelaces; lack of a specific mobile phone model; regularly doing homework, and so on, and so forth. Some children assert themselves at the expense of others, while others, for various reasons, play along with them.

The next step is to determine the scale of the problem. As a rule, some conflict situations at school are either systematic or isolated. It is also necessary to distinguish an outcast from a simply unpopular child. Rogue classmates:

do not respect, tease, laugh at him;

beat, humiliate;

forced to obey orders, extort things, money;

blame for everything.

These are the main, most frequent complaints of such children about problems in the classroom. It's just that an unpopular child may tell parents that:

no one is friends with him and does not sit at the same desk;

he seems to be overlooked.

If a child is not popular among classmates, then he, too, can be very upset, upset. But in this case, you only need to work with him, increasing self-esteem, communication skills, self-confidence, activity. In another, more complex version, it is necessary to work not only with the outcast, but also with the offenders. Both sides need help from adults.

How can you help your child cope with this?

The first is not to panic and not try to take the initiative into your own hands. There is no need to flee to punish the offenders of the child or to transfer him to another educational institution. Separate preventive work should be carried out with the instigators of both psychologists and teachers. Also, do not put pressure on the child with remarks: "figure it out yourself", "don't be like a rag" and the like - aggression on the part of the parents can lead to a completely irreversible effect, even to the point of suicide. The child should see support and love in you, know that you perceive him as he is, and will always be on his side.

Try writing an antiscript with your child. After all, the persecutors are used to and expect a certain reaction from the victim, teach the child to react outside the box. This behavior will confuse the offenders, and it is likely that, without getting the usual "entertaining effect", the attacks will stop. Also, be sure to develop his communication skills - often go to visit him, to concerts, exhibitions. He should communicate with people as much as possible and not be afraid of it. The school will end, the children will disperse, and the problem of “the black sheep will remain”, therefore it is necessary to make it clear that not all people are bad, and it is interesting to communicate with them, it is possible and necessary. And another important factor in victory over complexes is a sense of humor - this helps to discharge the situation, besides, people are always drawn to positive-minded people. Well, do not forget to teach the child to be accurate, and, if possible, correct physical disabilities.

Helpline for children

Sometimes children do not even talk to their elders about their problems. But you need to talk to someone.

If you run into problems with school, if classmates extort things and money, or bully, you can call the single all-Russian "helpline" for children -8-800-2000-122 ... When you call this number, you do not need to give your name and pay money. You can call from any phone - both landline and mobile. On this phone you can talk to a psychologist or social worker who will tell you what to do next. No one will judge you or laugh at your words, but they will give you good advice and help. You are not alone. Over the past 4 years, more than 500,000 children have already called this phone.