Mom-to-be 

Influence of the situation of childbirth on the personality of the child. The expectant mother decided to survive the birth of a still child in order to save other children

Jesus is very clear when he says that we, as Christians, must be born again if we want to see the Kingdom of God.

“Jesus answered him: truly, truly, I say to you, unless someone is born again, he cannot see the Kingdom of God. … Truly, truly, I say to you, unless someone is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the Kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the spirit is spirit. " John 3: 3-6.

Here Jesus is not talking about being physically born again. He speaks of a new aspiration - spiritual transformation.

Why should I be born again?

Before being born again, I am guided by my human inclinations, that is, my carnal desires. And often, they are the ones who control my thoughts, influencing decision making. However, these desires will not lead me to the life of Christ to which I am called. By succumbing to such things as: pride, laziness, greed, envy, selfishness and many other evil inclinations, we commit a sin. Jesus describes the thoughts that did not experience the new birth as follows: “For you say:” I am rich, I have become rich and have no need for anything ”; but you do not know that you are unhappy, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked. " Open 3:17.

Only when I acknowledge that this verse is written about me, am I ready to be born of "water and the Spirit." Nothing that I have inherited in the flesh as a human is capable of serving God. Only when I admit that I am unable to do good can God begin to guide me. I have to give up everything completely in order to be born of the Spirit. This birth implies a renewal of mind and heart. I die to the lusts of my flesh, and become quickened to the work of the Spirit.

“I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And what I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. " Gal. 2: 19-20.

Of course, I still have the flesh, which requires the satisfaction of its desires, but now I overcome them, and they no longer have any influence on me. I became quickened by the Spirit and fulfill what the Spirit tells me, He who is the truth. My “old man,” as Paul calls the thoughts that were not born again, must be crucified with Christ, and the new life that I receive then is the life of Christ. The life of Jesus must be revealed in our mortal flesh. (2 Cor. 4:11) And precisely because I was born of the Spirit and the Spirit now lives in me, I receive the strength to resist temptation, to be crucified to the lusts of the flesh and live for Christ. (Rom. 15:13)

New aspiration.

Qty. 3 describes well a born-again Christian: “Therefore, if you have been raised with Christ, then seek the heavenly place where Christ sits at the right hand of God; Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For you died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When will it appear Christ your life then you also will appear with Him in glory. " Qty. 3: 1-4.

I know that I am born again if I feel in my heart that my desire is not of this world, that I want to serve only God and have transferred the control of my life to Him, if I feel a sincere desire to live in all eternity, and not for things of this world. Then I feel the same yearning that Jesus had: "Not My will, but Yours be done." Luke 22:42.

Now that I am ready to give up my own strength, pride, stubbornness, and stop relying on my human abilities to follow the guidance of the Spirit, I can do God's will. Then I notice that nothing is impossible for the power of the Spirit. I can move mountains in my life. I do what I thought was impossible - I overcome sin. I am transforming into a new creation. I let God shape me from the person I was into the person He wants me to be.

See the Kingdom of God.

Then I will see the Kingdom of God. My eyes open and can see what is higher than the things of this earth, what has true meaning. The Kingdom of God brings with it all the best, both in this world and in eternity. Therefore, seeking the Kingdom of God is the most important thing that a person can do.

“That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation for the knowledge of Him, and enlighten the eyes of your heart, so that you may know what the hope of His calling is, and what riches His glorious inheritance is for the saints, and how immeasurable the greatness of His might in us, believers according to the action of His sovereign power. " Ephesus. 1: 17-19.

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Christ, who was infantile, apart from the application, and joined the cross by will, and you looked up to the mother of the birth disease, relieve sorrow, and a fierce illness, the infant of the dead of faithful parents: let us glorify Thy power.

Thou hast given the heavenly settlement as a child to those who created the Word of God: Thou didst have a good pleasure, with those who count Thy creation. come to the baby now to You, alleviate the illness of your parents, for you are all-generous and humane. (Rite of the Burial of Infants, Canon, Canto 9).

Every year, about a million ends in miscarriages, stillbirth or the death of a newborn. But these are not just statistics. Life is behind her and .

The Orthodox Church, relying on the Gospel, believes that life begins at the moment of conception, that is, during the fertilization of an egg with a sperm. God knows the name and age of every person from the womb, and we confess this during the liturgy. Therefore, we must recognize that the loss of pregnancy - whether it is a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy or a stillbirth - leads to the death of a person, a baby, a child of God. Parents awaiting new life are faced with death instead. Millions of families are grieving as a result of these deaths.

Sorrow alone

Priest John Breck writes about a woman after a miscarriage: “Her family and parish community need to understand, accept, and soften her pain with words and gestures of understanding, sympathy and love.” In fact, most of the parents who experience the loss of a child during pregnancy suffer alone. This is especially true for the natural termination of pregnancy in the early stages, early miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies, when the "body" of the child is not yet visible and the mother does not yet have external signs of pregnancy. Many people are unaware of the grief that the loss of pregnancy brings. Sometimes grieving parents themselves try to gain a foothold in the idea that they are not worried much, pretend that they are not in pain, that they need to "sort out their lives" and "try again."

It is important to note that the grief of parents about the loss of pregnancy is not only natural and genuine, but also characteristic of Christians. One often hears that it is not proper for Christians to grieve, that those who have lost a loved one must accept the loss as "God's will." However, we know that “Jesus wept” when he learned of his death (John 11:35). Especially with early miscarriages, and most miscarriages occur before the twelfth week of pregnancy, people often utter stereotyped phrases: "This is God's will", "God wanted to leave the baby with him in heaven", "God knows better, maybe he would be born sick." The only purpose of these phrases is to show parents that they should not grieve that they are "Christians" and should accept God's will and "not grumble."

How to help a friend or loved one in grief

Everyone grieves in their own way. To help these sufferers, it is important to create an atmosphere of love and understanding. Always coordinate your actions with the priest. In 2002 I wrote an article for the magazine Jacob‘ s Well, entitled "How to Comfort Those Who Have Lost a Child During or After Pregnancy." I will provide some points from this article for those who do not know what to say and how to help a grieving friend or loved one.

  • First of all, it is important to realize that the child has died and that his is as real as the death of an older child. The grief of the parents and the recovery process will be painful and take a long time. Maybe they will not come to their senses and will not stop "thinking about their baby" after another month or even a year. Understand that parents are bored because they miss their baby and that no one can replace him or her, including their future or living children.
  • Let your parents know that you are praying for them, their families, and your baby. Give them a call or send a condolence card. You do not need many words, it is enough to write: "Mentally and prayerfully with you and your baby."
  • Most of all, parents now need support and listening skills, instructions and advice should be left behind. Listen to their stories about the death of the baby. Do not be afraid and do not hesitate to talk about his death. If the baby already had a name, talk about him by calling him by name. If the parents saw the baby, ask them what he was. Most parents need to speak out about their child, about their unfulfilled hopes and dreams.
  • It's appropriate to admit that you have no idea how they feel. You might say, “I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now. I just want you to know that you can count on me and that I really sympathize with you. "
  • Hug them. This will express your love and concern. Even if you don't say anything, it will be a wordless way to say, "I feel sorry for you" or "I pray for you."
  • Offer to help look after the rest of their children. Sometimes follow-up is required and parents need to be alone.
  • Offer to bring some food, mothers often do not have enough energy even for basic things.
  • Offer to go grocery shopping, help with cleaning, laundry, or do something to ease the burden of everyday worries. This will be especially helpful if the woman is waiting for a miscarriage, this process can take several days, draining her physically and emotionally.
  • Don't forget about the baby. We very often neglect the feelings of men, because it seems to us that they endure everything easier. But in reality, men are just as depressed as their spouses.
  • Try to remember the date of your baby's death and honor it with your call, letter, or visit. Anniversaries can trigger feelings as intense as death itself. After a few months, you can ask how they feel after the loss of the child, this can serve as support for them.
  • Pay attention to your baby's siblings. They are also in pain, confused and need attention, which their parents cannot always provide them at the moment.
  • If children want to talk about death, do not be afraid of this conversation. Children treat death naturally, and they can talk about it openly and directly with trusted adults. When children are allowed to share their thoughts and dreams openly, death usually does not negatively affect them.
  • If you are pregnant, it may be difficult for a parent who has lost a child, and especially a mother, to see you, or even talk to you. You must treat them with understanding and patience. They still love you, but your position reminds them too much of their loss. Your unhappy friends may even be a little jealous of you (especially after the birth of a child) and be angry with themselves for such feelings.
  • Remember that all subsequent pregnancies can have emotional swings between joy, fear, and bitter memories.
  • Remember, too, that grief can be very stressful for family and friends.

Your help, comfort, and gentle support can have a positive impact on how parents deal with the loss of their baby and how quickly they can recover from it. Your actions are very important, now these parents need you more than ever.

After the birth of two wonderful babies, my husband and I experienced the death of two babies during pregnancy. Our second baby died when we were at St. Vladimir's Seminary. The prayers and support of our community helped us a lot. The annual prayer service that my husband serves on October 15 means a lot to us. We hope that such prayers will also help other people recover from grief. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, Father of mercy and God of all consolation, who comforts us in all our sorrow, so that we too may comfort those in all sorrow with the consolation with which God comforts us ourselves!" (2 Corinth 1: 3-4).

Dennis Kraus is the wife of Martin Krause Priest, Trinity Church, East Madow, New York, and mother of four.

1. Constant excitement

If during pregnancy you had a million and one reasons to worry, then in the period after the birth of the child there will be 10 million and one: Is it too hot or cold for the baby? Is it just baby acne or something more serious? The list of questions is endless. The best way to combat these common fears of young parents is to go to the facts: read a childcare book or call your doctor for the information you need. More often than not, you just need someone else to reassure and reassure you by confirming that your maternal instinct is not letting you down.

Of course, some young parents already have experiences that lead them to quickly seek help if something goes wrong. Neela, a 34-year-old mother of two, says: “We lost our first child 15 minutes after giving birth, so we were very afraid for the second. We further called an ambulance when she was only 4 days old, because it seemed to us that she was sleeping too long, and we were afraid to wake her up. The doctor told us to slowly undress her and give her a cold compress. When she woke up and the doctor heard her crying, he advised us not to tell any of the young parents that we were worried about our daughter's too calm and long sleep, because they simply would not understand us! "

Deborah Davis, Ph.D., author of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving a Child's Death, writes that the excitement of young parents who find themselves in a situation is not unusual given their history. “Excitement is the main emotion experienced by young parents who have survived the death of a previous child. If this happens, you know that trouble can happen to you, your child, or your family. You also understand that you have no control over very important things. The tragedy you have experienced makes you vulnerable to fear and can exacerbate the usual blowing excitement of young parents. "

If parenting fears persist and interfere with the child's emotional and physical health or affect relationships with others, professional help may be needed. “Consultation with a specialist who understands the fears of parents, will help to overcome anxiety and enjoy the surviving children,- writes Davis - You deserve to enjoy motherhood and your child's precious gift. ”

2. Your partner may move away from you right now when you need his support so badly.

Do you feel like something has come between you and your partner? You're right. This is a little man who needs to be fed and swaddled every two to three hours.

There is nothing you can do about it. The period after the birth of a child can be a real challenge for parents. Both parents are not only trying to get used to the idea of ​​having a child, they are also looking for ways to establish new relationships with each other. And since this occurs during a period of acute lack of sleep and fatigue, there is nothing strange in the fact that marital relations become cooler in the first weeks after the 1st birth of the child.

How to get through the period after the birth of a child?

Accept that you have a difficult time ahead of you. Research by psychologists in the 1980s showed that most married couples figured out for themselves the following: adding to the family can exacerbate relationships. The psychologist found that 92% of couples experienced disagreements after having a baby. (Most divorce lawyers can confirm this. Statistics show that family breakdown and divorce occurs most often within the first two years after childbirth.)

Recognize that your partner is not yet used to having a baby. Research shows that 3% of fathers experience signs of depression after childbirth, and that men whose wives have postpartum depression themselves may experience some degree of depression.

Remind yourself that your approach is different, but your goal is to raise a healthy, happy child. Fathers today are taking a much more active role in raising children than fathers of the previous generation. Studies have shown that during the "baby boom", fathers spent about one to a third more time with their children than their own fathers, and modern fathers are even ahead of them in this.

Communicate regularly with each other to be able to resolve small problems before they escalate into big ones. Accept that your partner wants to do things his own way, not the way you do when it comes to caring for a child.

Try to strengthen your relationship. It's very easy to feel hurt and unnecessary if you only get one kiss in a few weeks. Try to have a "love night" at least once a week, even if that night is about making a snack and watching a movie while lying on the bed together. Nights like this may be ruined by a hungry third party, but try not to get in a bad mood by going back to the moment the baby interrupted you.

Understand that you will need to talk about your roles from time to time to avoid resentment. Camilla 3 5-year-old mother of two, came to the conclusion that her marriage could fall apart two years after the birth of her second child “At first we were overwhelmed with joy, but then all the worries and responsibilities fell on me. The husband did not want or could not change his habits. We argued a little, mostly because of his unwillingness to help me. He didn’t do the housework to relieve me, and slept in another room to get some sleep. Looking back, I understand that I myself was largely to blame, I allowed him not to help me in the first years and felt one hundred percent responsibility for the child "

Accept that you will have less opportunity and energy to have sex until your children grow up. You will be too tired to think about anything other than sleep in the first weeks and months after your baby is born. Even if you are not terrified by the appearance of your body after childbirth, you still will not have too much enthusiasm for intimacy. Remember that sex drive can temporarily decrease, both because of the side effect of the hormone prolactin (which is produced during breastfeeding) and because of some fear of getting pregnant again (although you can use contraception).

Let your love for your child bring you closer. “Although we had been married for three years when Diana appeared, I was so overwhelmed by the love and attention with which Arthur treated her that I fell in love with him again, says Marta, a 36-year-old mother of one child. - I realized that I faded into the background for him, does not bother me. I just made sure once again that I made the right choice! " Regina, a 29-year-old mother of two, also realized that her husband became closer to her after the birth of children: "I have never felt such closeness between us as after the birth of children."

3. The appearance of children leads to undesirable and conflict situations

When you have a baby, your relationships with other people change. First of all, this concerns your parents and your husband's parents. Now that these normally reserved people have become your child's grandparents, they feel they have the right to advise you on many aspects of parenting.

If you're lucky, your parents and your husband's parents instinctively feel that they don't need to interfere with their opinions unless asked to do so. But if they do not understand this main point in the relationship between generations, you will have to learn not to listen to their advice, which does not fit into your concept of parenting. Kira, a 2-8-year-old mother of one child, quickly learned to defy her mother's advice on breastfeeding: “My mother belongs to the generation that did not breastfeed because it was not fashionable, she explains. - She is the biggest opponent of breastfeeding I know. She continually cites examples of breastfed babies not growing fast enough, mothers have “bad” milk, or that the baby is constantly sucking. I found her advice useless, although if I didn’t know so much about breastfeeding, I might have changed my mind under her influence. ”

Of course, breastfeeding is not the only topic that young parents argue with their grandparents. According to recent studies, the five main causes of conflict between them include: parenting methods (38%); the time that grandparents should spend with their grandchildren (30%); the amount of attention that parents pay to their children (13%); work of a young mother outside the home (10%); the role of the father in raising the child (8%).

Regardless of the cause of the conflict, it's helpful to remind yourself that grandparents wish their grandchildren well, even if their advice is 30 years out of date. So the next time your mother tells you to start potty training your one-year-old, just smile and say that you will discuss the matter with your doctor on your next visit. (Hints: Almost all grandparents, except for the most stubborn ones, give up when they hear that you received advice on this issue from the doctor, so use this opportunity whenever necessary.)

It is also helpful to look at the problem from your parent's perspective. It is really difficult for them to understand why you reject all of their "ingenious" advice: after all, after all, they raised you safely, right?

4. It's hard for you to make time for yourself

One of the main challenges young mothers face is finding the time to meet their needs. During this challenging period of your life, you find it difficult to carve out time to shower or eat a sandwich in peace, let alone do what you love.But mothers who completely ignore their needs cannot do anything good for their children: “Just as a child cannot get the nutrients that the mother didn’t consume, he cannot get positive emotions from the caregiver if he doesn’t get them himself. In order to give your child the right amount of love, you yourself must receive a positive emotional charge. If you don't get enough love, attention and pleasure, it will be difficult for you to give them to your child. "

Therefore, if your friend suggested that you sit with your child so you can take a bath or visit your favorite bookstore, accept this offer. Your child will thank you for this.

5. The first weeks after the birth of the baby. You may have an emotional crisis.

It takes time to get used to any new role, and you have just assumed a new role as a mother. Therefore, do not be surprised if you have an emotional crisis: after all, your whole life has almost completely changed overnight.

The change is especially noticeable if you went to work almost until the very birth. In this case, your ideas about what you can do in a day should be completely revised. “It's very difficult to do everything on your own,” says the 36-year-old young mother. "For a woman who is used to working and being in complete control of her life, it can be very difficult at first to sit at home and find it difficult to find time to take a shower."

In addition, many women who are left at home alone with their children experience a sense of isolation at first. “I remember this strange feeling when Denis left for the first time and left Robert and me at home alone,- recalls Erica, a 32-year-old mother of two. - It seemed to me that my son and I are alone on the whole Earth. "

Angela, a 30-year-old mother of one child, experienced a real shock in the first weeks of motherhood: “The early days were much more difficult than I expected. It doesn't matter how much you read or how often your parents and friends warned you about sleepless nights and the incessant crying of a child. Nothing can prepare you for how you will feel in the early days. I was not just tired and in a bad mood, I regretted my past life. I loved my child, but when I walked down the street among carefree people without children, I really cried. "

While some women find it easy to get used to being a mother, others like Angela take a long time to do so. The basic rule is that it is more difficult for you to get used to the role of mother if you have been expecting a child for a long time (according to research, only 46% of women who became mothers before the age of 21 have difficulty adapting to the role of mother, while age after 30 years, there were 60% of such women), as well as if you went to work almost until the very birth (80% of women who went to work for a long time reported difficulties getting used to motherhood, in contrast to 50% of women who stayed at home) ...

Just like it takes time to put on the jeans you wore before pregnancy, you need time to master the role of the mother. But soon you will feel that you are comfortable in this role and that it suits you, like a favorite thing that has been hanging in the closet for many years and has been waiting in the wings.

As you can see, there are a number of reasons why the first weeks of motherhood are challenging times. Fortunately, with each successive child, life becomes easier in the first weeks. Of course, this will give you some hope if you decide to have another child in the future.

Hayley Martin will make the most selfless Christmas present by donating organs from her unborn daughter to another dying child. In addition, after recovering from childbirth, Hayley will donate one kidney in memory of her unborn baby girl.

A scan of a 20-week-old fetus has shown that the baby that Hailey is carrying, who has already been named Ava-Joy, will die during childbirth or immediately after birth. However, instead of terminating the pregnancy, as doctors recommend, to avoid the trauma of the stillbirth, Haley and her husband Scott decided to go through the stillbirth process to the end. Then their daughter's organs will be used to save other children who need transplants. Hayley now hopes that her baby girl can live with the children she saves. Haley (30) says: “Our child will die no matter what, but if we can save the other children, then the difficult period we are going through now is worth it. This is Ava's Christmas gift to the other unfortunate children. I will also donate my kidney. because no one can donate a kidney for Ava. I will do it in her honor. "

The couple from Hull already have three children - seven-year-old Kiowa, five-year-old Layla and two-year-old Oliver. The family was very happy about the news of the fourth child, but the couple's joy was short-lived, because the unborn girl was diagnosed with a terrible diagnosis. The couple went for an ultrasound in their fifth month of pregnancy to find out the sex of the baby, but at the same time they were told that the girl had a rare hereditary disease - bilateral kidney agenesis. Bilateral agenesis of the kidney is the complete absence of a paired organ. This pathology is incompatible with life. This means that Ava will die either during childbirth or immediately after.

The doctors suggested that the Martins terminate the pregnancy so as not to go through a very difficult period of losing their newly born daughter, but the husband and wife decided to go through this and then donate the organs of their child to other children. "I know that there are children who can get a chance at life thanks to the healthy organs of Ava. Why should two children die if one can be saved." According to Haley, it was a very difficult decision, but they think it was the right one.

Immediately after the birth of the girl, the family will have the opportunity to say goodbye to her, to take a photo for memory. And if Ava can take at least one breath, she will receive her birth certificate. Haley adds: "If for just one moment she opens her eyes and looks at me, nobody can take that away from me."

The expectant mother decided to survive the birth of a still child in order to save other children updated: December 17, 2017 by the author: Elena Abdulaeva