How to establish relationships with classmates: solving problems. Five main school problems, and how to help your child cope with them
Children - Railways: Psychological Work with Problem
In each children's team there are popular children and not very. There are children active, sociable, and there are quiet, loners. Some suits a secondary role in the classroom, others suffer from such a situation, but do not know and do not know how to change it. Some children are so strive to be in the center of attention of classmates, take a leadership position, without knowing how to behave in accordance with their claims, choosing inadequate ways of behavior that they seek "with a minus sign" - become the object of ridicule and contempt. And these are the guys actively rejected by peers - a phenomenon, unfortunately, frequent and difficult to resist.
Probably, many psychologists and teachers reflect on how to help the child do not feel over in the team whether to teach him to communicate whether adults (teachers, psychologists, parents) are specially attracting the attention of peers on him, make it their own for others. But the most important and hard-time question: how to avoid persecution and what to do if the situation is critical?
Psychological aspects of the problem of rejection
Own observations, biographies of different people and examples from fiction leads to the idea that in any children's team inevitably there are popular children and kids-roses. Sometimes rejected children simply ignore, they do not like them passively or suffer, sometimes they have defenders. And the other luck is less - they do not like actively. They become objects of ridicule and hurt by classmates. Let's try to understand the nature of such a phenomenon as the rejection of one or more members of the team.
Characters
Each drama suggests a clear role distribution. In the situation of etching there is always schedules, them victims and of course, persecutors - The main mass of children, which under the guidance of the instigators carrying out the injury. Sometimes there are in the class neutral observers . In my opinion, the observers do not differ from the pursuers, as they encourage their silence, they do not hinder her. Often, the children of themselves condemn the behavior of aggressive classmates, but do not take anything, fearing to become the next victim. "Favorite game Andrew Saska (then mandatory in every class of bully and dracun) was removed from Colin pants and hide them. Whereas some of us sympathized with Colin, most, I suspect, were glad that he exists: Andrew Suska was constantly Busy and did not touch the rest. " - This is how this typical school team explains the situation in his novel "Soon thirty" English writer Michael Gale.
It happens that among classmates are and defenders victims. Sometimes the appearance of the defender is capable of changing the situation (especially if the defenders are somewhat or with their opinion in the class) - most persecutors leave the burden alone, the conflict comes down at the very beginning.
For example, a fifth grader of Light, seeking to become a queen class, sentenced classmates to announce a boycott with his opponent Natasha. Lights with his ridicule and tricks could spoil the life of anyone, so no one wanted to communicate with her, although he liked the quiet Natasha. Everything, except Arkashi, agreed in the boycott. He said that Natasha his friend, so he will continue to be friends with her. Arkashi's act, who before that did not stand out for anything, studied middle, could start crying because of the twins or soiled trousers, fearing punishment, made such an impression on classmates that the light had to leave Natasha alone.
But quite often the protector of the otga and it becomes an outcast. For example, when, obeying the will of the teacher, the child is forced to sit at one desk with an outcast, he may gradually become an object of ridicule, unless it becomes actively involved in the trail of the neighbor on the desk.
Consider the psychological features of the main actors.
Schedules
Here are two friendly in communicating with all the others (and especially with adults) of a third grader consider the album of his comrade and laugh loudly, comment on each page, trying to attract the attention of the rest. A classmate at this time peacefully sitting at his desk and reads a book. He did not approach these guys before, did not interact with them. What makes the guys behave this way? Do they take care of something or try to conquer the attention of the rest? These guys claim leadership positions in the classroom, and the boy ridiculed by them is unopullen among classmates (he was negatively responded in conversation with me and some parents), in addition, he will not rush to offenders with fists ...
Usually one or two people in the class become the initiators of the etching or active rejection of a classmate. For some reason, they did not like someone from classmates for any reason, and they begin to tease him, lay down, make fun, demonstratively avoid, not take into games. The rejection process begins very early: already in the second or third quarter in the first grade it becomes clear who has become an outcast in the classroom, and who is the initiator of his trace. The boys are initiators injuries both boys and girls, and girls most often attack girls, and in the event of the boy, or simply share a common point of view, or even begin to protect the outcast. Most often at the heart of the persecution of someone lies the desire to asserted, stand out. Very rarely injury is the result of personal revenge for anything.
It is believed that they are offended and approved at the expense of other children, who are not confident in themselves, "offended by life." According to Alfred Adler, "often a complex of inferiority is hidden behind a complex of superiority, which serves as compensation. In this case, there is a validity, obsession, complacency, arrogant, and the like." (Adler A. Science live. Kiev: "PORT-ROYAL", 1997. P. 154.). However, I watched the instigators became completely prosperous guys. They were so confident in their superiority that they considered themselves to have the right to mock the others and pursue something who did not please the peers. Such a position of children was largely due to the position of their parents who believed that the child's obsishable to them should be removed from the class. In a personal conversation with me, these parents not only did not agree to recognize the behavior of their children inadmissible, characterizing them as very good and noble in everyday life (and feeds, and she sheds tears over homeless animals). They actively denied the guilt of their own child: they say, all his actions are protected from arbitrariness from the sacrifice, which herself is to blame (indeed, the victims often provoke an unfavorable attitude towards themselves, but not to the same extent).
So, the initiators may become:
Active, sociable children applying for the role of the leader in the classroom;
- aggressive children who have found an unrequited sacrifice for self-affirmation;
- Children seeking at all costs to be in the spotlight;
- children who are accustomed to treat others with a sense of excellence, dividing everyone on "their" and "strangers" (such chauvinism or snobbery is the result of the corresponding family education);
- Egocentrics who do not know how to sympathize with others, put themselves in place of others;
- Maximists who do not want to compromise children (especially in adolescence).
Schedules, according to my observations, distinguishes the following:
High self-esteem and high level of claim.
Arcasha has repeatedly demonstrated disregard for classmates. Somehow in the lesson, the whole class laughed at how a neighbor on the desk wrote an exercise in the notebook. Favorite Pose - Laying at the desk, leg leg. At the same time, he always demonstrates confidence in himself (in all tests, he emphasizes that he is good, cares about loved ones: "I worry and take care of others").
The desire to combine around himself classmates to feel significant, be the center of attention.
Timberry filmed tinsel and bows, decorated with a class during the celebration of the New Year. Dima, having a bows to the Mityy portfolio, gets up next to and laughs loudly, showing a portfolio. None of the guys, and the Mitya himself, first not pay attention to what is happening. Then Dima begins to catch the guys passing past, show what did, calling to laugh together. Some classmates willingly begin to giggle, someone clings more bows to the portfolio. Mitya is still indifferent to what is happening - he leaving the book with hobby. It seems that Dima is not so important to pour out, offend Mitu, how much to attract the attention of classmates, hang them (even if the humiliation of Mitya).
The desire to achieve justice.
Petya beat Vitu, accidentally overturned the stand with the textbooks of his neighbor on the desk. Usually Petya makes loud insulting comments to those who, in his opinion, does something wrong. He sincerely thinks that he has right: if a classmate behaves badly (interferes in the lesson, it offended someone, it does not matter - by chance or not), Petya seeks to punish the intruder. A similar type of fairness of justice is described in the story of V.K. Zheleznikova "Stuffed" - not knowing the mercy and connecting the iron button.
Persecutors
Fedya, friendly and non-aggressive boy, really wants to be friends with his neighbor on the party - Kohl. If someone from classmates does not really carefully writes on the board or stumbled, shed water, I was mistaken when reading, then Kolya necessarily commented on what happened, and Fedya willingly support the buddy with a loud laugh.
As already mentioned, several people become instigators, everyone else is their followers. They gladly laugh at the failures of the zoom, hiding his things in the toilet, pick up offensive nicknames, do not miss the case to push him, offend or defiantly ignore and do not want to take it into their games. Why are good and responsive children in relation to their loved ones become tyrants for not doing anything wrong personally peers?
First, most guys are subject to the so-called herd feeling: "Everyone went, and I went, all pushed, and I pushed." The child does not think about what is happening, he just participates in general fun. He does not come to mind that he feels at this moment the victim, as it hurts, offensively and scary.
Secondly, some do it in the hope of deserving the location of the class leader.
Thirdly, someone takes part in escalate from boredom, for the sake of entertainment (they with the same delight will kick the ball or playing the cabin).
Fourth, some of the children are actively etched by the outcast of fear to be in the same position or simply do not decide to go against the majority.
Finally, a small percentage of persecutors thus self-afforded, takes revenge for their failures in something. They lack energy to become instigators, but they willingly pose someone else's initiative. Most often these are children in the courtyard, they offend the elders, cruelly punish their parents, they are unsuccessful in their studies and do not cause special sympathies among classmates. For example, redhead from the story V.K. Zharnokov "Scarecrow" is curved and dresses, mocking over those who choose the rest to not become the object of ridicule from classmates. "All yell, and he yells, everyone beat, and he hits if he doesn't even want."
The following psychological characteristics of children becoming pursuers can be distinguished:
Disapplying, easily affecting others, misinterpreting.
- Conformists, always strive to follow the rules, some standards (very diligent and law-abiding in everything related to school rules).
- They are not inclined to recognize their responsibility for what is happening (most often considered to be guilty of others).
- often susceptible to hard control from the elders (their parents are very demanding, tend to apply physical punishment).
- Egocentric, do not know how to put yourself in place of another. They are not inclined to think about the consequences of their behavior (they often say in conversations: "I did not think about it").
- Intelligent in themselves, very much in the "friendship", rendered by trust from class leaders (in sociometric studies they receive the smallest number of elections, there are no mutual elections with anyone from the class).
- Cocusleva and embittered.
Victims
The hero of the "endless book" of the German writer Michael End a ten-year-old boy hides from pursuing his classmates in the book shop. To the question of the host of the shop, why classmates betray him, answers: "I sometimes talk to myself ... I am inventing all sorts of stories, names and words that are not, and all that."
Indeed, there is always something like that, which is able to push the surrounding, provoke attacks on their part. They are not like others. Most often, children with obvious problems become victims. Most likely, the child will be attacked and ridicule:
With unusual appearance (noticeable scars, chromoty, squint, etc.);
- suffering from enuresum or enchnoporesis (incontinence of urine and feces);
- quiet and weak, not able to stand up for itself;
- untidy dressed;
- often transmitting classes;
. - unsuccessful in school,
- too sweated by parents;
- not able to communicate.
In my practice, I had to observe a lot of rejected children. According to the results of psychological testing, I can allocate the following psychological features of the victim.
Rejected children may differ both low self-esteem and low levels of claims, as well as high self-esteem and high levels of claim. Evaluate themselves inadequately highly on those parameters for which they are obviously less successful than their classmates (for example, by the number of friends in the class, according to success in school, etc.). At the same time, it is assumed that those surrounding them underestimate (parents or teachers consider them less successful in their studies or having fewer friends than in fact).
Pretending to be much success (wanting to be the best in all parameters), such children during the test to determine the level of claim (solving problems of various complexity with the help of matrices) often choose difficult tasks, and after failure, even more complex tasks are chosen.
Studies of American psychologists have shown that children with adequate self-esteem peers are usually taken with more readiness than those who have a self-esteem too high or reduced.
According to the results of tests that reveal the attitude of the child to school (unfinished proposals for D.V. Lubovsky and "Diagnostics of school anxiety" A.M. parishioners), children sacrifices often emphasize their rejection of schools, note that they are teased, classmates are offended.
In the projective tests where it is necessary to choose a hero and tell that it happens to him, what his mood ("Diagnostics of School Anxiety" A.M. Podishozhan, Cat-H, Anxiety Test), rejected children often describe what is happening as a quarrel with peers, Resentment, harming the hero in the game. Often their hero becomes a separate child who "sad, insulting", "he has no pair on physical education", etc.
Even the situation of interaction of peers, assessed by the majority of children as positive ("play together, laugh), the victims are described as negative (" swear, quarrel ").
According to the studies of the cry and LEDD conducted in 1993 (Craig G. Development Psychology. SPb.: Peter, 2000. P. 542.), rejected children report a stronger sense of loneliness and more often than children accepted by the group tend to explain Your failures in relationships with peers by external reasons. In my experience, non-oppulsive children often deny their own responsibility, do not feel the feelings of guilt for what is happening, they show a high degree of protective aggression, directed outside, and do not try to find a way out of the situation (According to the results of the Personal Frustration test). They not only do not know how to adequately respond to trouble in life, but also during testing they attribute the hero in the frustrating situation, inadequate actions and aspirations (for example, a desire to break something).
Origins of hostility
The problem of any children's team consists not only in active rejection or injury of one of the members of the group (class) - this phenomenon is noticeable to others, and, therefore, it is easier to track and try to stop preventing it at the very beginning. But the fact is that many children are very difficult to enter the team, feel comfortable and confident among peers. If the child is not offended, but also do not accept (for example, the latter is chosen in the team, they do not rejoice in its success), then it is no less lonely and bad than the victim of active hostility on the part of peers. He thinks: "If one day I will stop going to school at all, no one will notice."
You can conditionally allocate several types of rejection They all more or lesser extent make the school life of a rejected child untouched.
- Grass (Do not give a passage, call, beat, pursuing some kind of purpose: revenge, having fun, etc.).
- Active rejection (Arises in response to the initiative emanating from the victim, make it clear that he does not mean anything that his opinion is made by his scapegoat).
- Passive rejection , arising only in certain situations (when you need to choose someone to the team, take into the game, sit down for the desk, children refuse: "I will not be!").
- Ignoring (They simply do not pay attention, do not communicate, do not notice, they do not have anything against anything, but they are not interested).
In all cases, the rejection of the problem lies not only in the team, but also in the peculiarities of the person and behavior of the victim itself.
According to many psychological research, primarily children attracts or repels the appearance of peers. In popularity among peers may also influence success in school and sports achievements. The ability to play the team is especially valued. Children enjoying the arrangement of peers, usually have more friends, more energetic, sociable, open and kind, than rejected. But at the same time, unanswered children are not always uncommunicative and unfriendly. Those for some reason they perceive others. The poor attitude towards them gradually becomes the cause of the relevant behavior of rejected children: they begin to violate the received rules, they act impulsively and thoughtlessly.
Not only closed or delicate children can become expensive in the team. They do not like "rushing" - those who seek to intercept the initiative all the time, to paranate. Do not complain and excellent students who do not write off, or children coming against the class, for example, refusing to escape from the lesson.
The popular American rock musician di snider in his book "Practical Psychology for Teenagers" writes that we are often fault of themselves in the fact that the "labels and price tags" hanging on us. Up to ten years, he was very popular in the classroom, but when parents moved to another quarter, Dee went to a new school, where he got into a fight with the strongest guy. In front of the whole school, he was defeated. "The death sentence was submitted unanimously. I became an outcast. And all because at first I did not understand the alignment of forces on the site."
Who do not like: Portrait Gallery
Below are described types of rejected children which are most often subjected to attacks.
"Pet"
Another Yanush Korchak (Korchak Ya. Pedagogical heritage. M.: Pedagogy, 1991. P. 65.) wrote that children do not like those peers who allocate a teacher or educator. Especially if they cannot understand than the "pet" is better than them. Adults, knowing about the difficult fate of his ward, regret it and take under their patronage and protection, condemning for loneliness and insults from classmates who are not known for such a relationship.
Maxim, a very capable boy, made a good impression on the teachers who took him to school. But from the first class, problems with study and relationship with classmates began. Maxim did not work at the lesson, could draw the whole lesson or read, mother fought for each line in the homework. In the classroom of the teacher, all the time had to stand over his desk, "only then the boy managed to make almost all the task. Due to a number of reasons (first of all family problems), the school administration matured with such a state of affairs. The teachers regret Maxim and watched a lot of "Through the fingers." However, his special position did not want to accept classmates. They did not understand why he was allowed by what it was impossible to them why the class teacher protects him all the time. They began to tease the boy, did not take it into their games, laughed at him when he answered at the board. "Oils in the fire" poured out some parents who considered their children exclusive and perturbed that they were not, and this boy goes in pets. They discussed these among themselves in children, refer to the nationality of the child. Gradually, Mama Maxim became a person "Non Grata", many even stopped greeting with her.
"Adolenged"
Mitya was a domestic child, the only one in the family. Before entering school, he did not have experience in communicating in the team and did not know how to communicate with peers. In the class, he tried to attract the child's attention to him, grabbing his things or hugging a sympathy object without giving him to move and causing pain. Naturally, the guys began to avoid him, often skirts: more active and independent tried to take away their belongings from Mitya, they rushed to defend those with whom he was ineptly trying to make friends with. Mitya became very lonely in class: no one wanted to sit with him at one desk, they were avoided, they did not take into the team, repelled, laughed at him. I often saw Mitu with a soft toy in my hands. Coming to my office, he immediately rushed to hug some soft beast, he invented his name and tried not to let him out of hand all the occupation. Helloing, Mitya always sought to get into the field of view of the interlocutor, looked into his eyes, her hands touching, it didn't matter whether you were busy or not, "the answer was required immediately.
American psychologist Violet Ocelander (Ocelander V. Windows in the world of the child: Guide for children's psychotherapy. M.: Independent firm "Class", 1997. Since 269.) believes that such annoyance is the result of a child's sense of infestability. Such children are literally hung in humans, capturing them physically to feel more safe. Naturally, others, especially children, begin to avoid them. And the new attempts to get together in this way aggression is responsible. The child does not know how to communicate in a different way and is often pleased with even aggressive attention from the surrounding.
"Jester" or "scapegoat"
Sema is an easy-to-use, quick-tempered and very uncertainly boy. Often fought with classmates, because very intrusive and emotionally sought to join their games. Desperate to attract attention, I chose the tactic of a class jester. In the lessons, he shouted different jokes, the guys laughed, it hempused him, and, despite the comments of teachers, Sema and then tried to laugh everyone. Gradually, any of his word began to cause laughter in the class. Once he knocked himself a Poster's Sweater "I - Idiot" and packed in the class, cheering classmates. However, he was still still avoided, did not take in the game. He became something like a scapegoat: he was accused of all the failures of the class, they pumped into him all the practices. The guys said a new teacher: "It's seed, he always does."
A child who has seen such tactics of behavior, as if warns of attacks from others. He is stopped perceived seriously and therefore it is not particularly offended. And he, hearing a laugh of classmates, does not feel in isolation. The most dangerous in the selected tactics is that to negotiate the established reputation "the jester" is almost impossible.
There are two more types of children whom no one specially offends does not tease, they are not mocked above them, but they are rejected, they are alone in their class.
Nitracted
Some children, failing to establish contact with classmates, begin to behave as if they will be merged others for their failures.
Philipp has experienced learning from first class. He quickly became bored in the lessons, he was often distracted, trying to chat with her neighbors, play something in them. However, his classmates were more interested in what was happening in the lesson than conversations with Philip. Then, in order to attract the attention of others, Philip began to knock, rustle, creak to everyone that came on hand. Teachers were forced to constantly make him comments, as he interfered with the surrounding. Odnoklassniki refused to sit with him. They were angry with Philip, made him comments, did not want to have any cases with him.
Unpopular
Such a child does not know how to initiate communication, he shy, does not know how to attract the attention of classmates, so they do not notice him, nobody plays with him. Often it happens when the child came to the emerging team or often misses school. Nobody rushes to such a child with a meeting after the holidays, no one will notice that it is not in the class. It wounds no less than the injury. One second-grader said: "They don't even greet me!"
There are children who can with the same probability become both a pursuer and the victim. Several times for your practice, in conjunction with class managers spent 3-5 grades among students, an anonymous survey on the topic, whom they consider the perfect classmate, which peers is unpleasant and why. Naturally, I was most interested in what qualities the dislike of peers. Most often called aggressiveness ("Holds, calls") and bad behavior ("prevents", "Shalit"). However, popular, and unpopular students took part in the survey, and it is quite possible that not only rejected children may have listed qualities, but also their persecutors (in any case, according to the victims). Consequently, children with any of the listed qualities do not necessarily become objects of persecution or pronounced dislike by peers. Even on the contrary, they can use certain influence on other children.
According to my observations, some types of children are found among the pursuers and among the victims. These are aggressive children and jardes, or complainants. On the one hand, all these qualities can cause the hostility of peers, on the other - it is precisely these qualities that sometimes allow the child to get power over the rest and hold it.
Agressors
More often an aggressive child becomes the initiator of the group trauma or mocks the victim alone during the connivance of others. Otherwise, an aggressive child will passively reject peers, as it may stand for himself, but does not know how to cooperate. Let us dwell on the psychological features of the pursuer and victims inclined to aggressive behavior.
Aggressor striker. The child almost always experiences difficulties in communicating with family and other children. It is originally different from other children greater quick-tempered, inconsistency, unpredictability, daring, vitality. It is characterized by self-confidence, lack of attention to the feelings of others. Aggressive are often children endowed with leadership features that rose against the aspiration of adults fully comply with their will.
Emotional dissatisfaction (problems in the family, failure in school) causes children to look for "consolation" in causing pain to others - they torment animals, mock the children, insult them verbally and action. And thus acquire an internal equilibrium. The victims of such children often become those of their peers, who are clearly weaker than them, cannot stand up for themselves. Sometimes having met a serious confusion from the side of the sacrifice, the aggressor can retreat. However, aggressive children often have patience followers, which thus strive to protect themselves from their aggression or try to get rid of loneliness.
A serious lag in school can also be as a consequence and the cause of the child's aggressiveness. Researchers note that most school hooligans are poorly read, have a low literacy. The very fact of failures in school education introduces some children into a state of disappointment and resentment, which can turn into a protest, aggressive behavior, the desire to self-appoints due to more successful peers in their studies.
Rejected aggressor. The child does not know how to defend interests in the dispute, it is not able to find adequate arguments, so shouting, swears, demands, chittrate, crying, takes away the controversial thing. He does not know how to lose, angry, offended, refuses the game, failures for a long time to knock him out of the gauge. These children are very oppressive, a stormy protest response can provoke any remark or a joking nickname.
A child experiencing tensions, stress, insecurity, can also be aggressive. Aggression in this case becomes a means of protection against a sense of anxiety. The child expects from all the trick and rushes to defend himself, as soon as it felt that someone threatens him. He attacks, without waiting for an attack, while fighting desperately, with all his might. Such a child falls into a trap of his own constancy. Interpreting the actions of other children as hostile, it causes aggression by its aggressive reactions.
With the aggression of children it is necessary to fight, directing their energy into a peaceful direction. Wonderful Czech psychologist Hend Mates said: "If the boy does not have the opportunity to kick the ball, he will kick other children." Children need to provide as many opportunities as possible to discharge the accumulated energy - let them play as they want, rest in motion. To very active and prone to aggression, children should create conditions that allow them to satisfy the need for movement, as well as to engage in their business. For example, it is possible to offer them classes in sports sections, participation in sports competitions or in performing performances, organize different games or long walks.
Once the teacher and parents began to complain about an unusual splash of the aggressiveness of the entire first class. Pupil and peace-loving children, coming to school, began to shout on each other and push, the boys fought among themselves and with girls, did not pass and the day to do not smash his nose. Due to the fact that children spent a lot of time in fairly small rooms, they had no place to run, reset the accumulated energy - and they began to take her surplus to each other. Then the gaming corners were created in the class, the children bought Kegli and balls, designers, drawing kits. On the variations of the teacher, the competitions were organized for them, everyone had something to do. The aggressiveness in the class gradually sued no - the guys became no time and there was no need to find out the relationship.
Yabedy
There are no adults nor children like complainants. The child who decided to complain, risks doubly: get a dismissive or sharp answer from the educator and be rejected guys for his complaint. The most common adult response for children's complaints is an annoyance or indignation. People's peers are considered to be a yabed by nodes, weaklings, dons, they do not trust them, do not take into common games. They try not to contact the complainants, - threatening to tell adults about the tricks of the victim, the Yabeda gets the power of which willingly use.
Yabeda sacrifice. Most often, the Jabeda is a child rejected by peers. The question is whether he became an outcast because of his "love" to complain about or by the yabed because his peers rejected? The main reasons that prompted the child to complain:
Despair. When a child faces the situation of incomprehensible, dangerous - he goes to an adult for help, shares information about what is happening. If his or someone else is offended, threatened with violence, delay in some kind of bad thing, - the child goes for advice, help, protection. An adult for a child is the last instance to which he drawn, if he cannot cope with himself. Usually with age such situations, it becomes less and less, there are no complaints. However, it largely depends on the degree of independence of the child. Sometimes the opportunity to complain becomes a rejected child with the only protection against what is happening.
Revenge. If the child is offended by peers, do not take into the game, he seeks to take a revenge with an adult. Children rejected by peers are most often complaining of, poorly self-esteem, with low self-esteem. Complaints are stopped if the child has a relationship in the team.
Yabeda-striker. A child with an overwhelmed self-esteem, inadequately high levels of claims, ambitious and striving for leadership (but not able to collaborate with peers), to which parents make very stringent requirements and which is often punished for failure to commemorate, will complain from the desire to assert themselves. Also, the yabedanica can be used as blackmail, in order to force his peer to obey: "Here I will tell the teacher ...", "if you do not accept me to the game, I will tell you that you are ..." Threatening with the exposure of other children, the child makes them take their conditions. This is a very convenient and common way to manipulate peers. A child is studying in adults: "I will say dad," there will be no zoo on Sunday! "," Will you go to the sled, put a two, parents will show you! " More often, children applying to the role of the leader are most often resorted to such complaints, but not able to conquer authority to another way.
Frank preference for adults of some children is also a source of frequent complaints. A rejected child encourages jability to jaby (to brothers and sisters, to the children allocated to the teacher), followed by the desire to take revenge and envy, and the collapse of justice. Teachers or parent "Pets" can use a threat to complain as blackmail, adults become a means of influencing those who have guessed peers.
Often, the yabedeania for the child becomes a way of self-affirmation. The child owns some information about other children, which he shares with adults to feel its significance. In addition, in this way, the child seeks to attract the attention of an adult and make peers to reckon with them. If the child feel comfortable in the classroom and he will have the opportunity to prove himself in any area (creativity, social activities, study), then he will not need to resort to complaints as a means of self-affirmation.
Knowing the characteristics of the behavior of children, you can react differently on their complaints. For example, Masha complains about Vasya, who hit her, and the teacher knows that Masha can withdraw from himself. Then Masha should be said: "It's a pity that it happened. Try to stay away from Vasya." And with Vasya, talk alone about the need to restrain your anger, the unacceptability of the name and methods of peaceful resolution of conflicts. If the child suffered from the dracan and the gasts, you can react on the complaint as follows: "Well, you will have to talk very seriously with your offender."
An occupation should be conducted on the complaints on which to give students to understand that they should not complain about each other, and share the problem. Explain that the complaint does not seek to blame the comrade or bring to him the teacher, but is looking for support and help. There is nothing reprehensible in the critical situation to ask for help to adult and devote it to all the details. You can say about the following children: "If some guys are stronger, more active - will be unfair in relation to the rest, if sublightened, evil, offensive actions in relation to someone, then offended will be one salvation - to seek help For a mediator, in this case, to the teacher. And this request for help should not be regarded as a yabedeanica. If you can't defend yourself, if the offender uses unauthorized methods, it remains only to go for help to others - adults are asking for help in special organizations ( Police, Courts), and children with their problem go to the elders. In the class where everyone belongs to each other respectfully and carefully, there will be no complainant. " Give any example - the parable or a fairy tale, where the situation is described when the debaters went "truth" to the judge, elder, king.
You can agree with your wards that the complaint in the presence of the offender will be considered not a denunciation, but necessary to inform about what happened, the desire to understand. In some cases, the child may honestly warn the violator that he will have to raise the elder about what is happening, and in this case he will not look like a yabed.
In order not to encourage the complaints or not to "substitute" the child, it is best to take note of the information, conduct independent observations, and then by caught the violators "at the scene of the crime," it will be possible to come only from our own observations.
It is not worth a hurry to react to the complaint, you must first consider the information received, otherwise small blackmail will use the teacher as a "weapon" to achieve their goals. For some complaints, messages can be reacting like this: "Well, I'll figure it out." An exception is cases requiring instant intervention, such as games, dangerous to children.
So, it is possible to treat children's complaints in different ways, but it is necessary to understand that, taking action, we encourage such behavior of children and contribute to ensuring that they continue to complain. It is useless to prohibit the child to complain, it is necessary to deal with the reasons that encourage it. Forbidden, you can beat off his desire to share with your own problems. The root cause of all children's complaints is to confidence an adult and hope for help from his part. A child who does not feel protected will complain about everything and everyone. If you submit a child an example of solving the problem, then perhaps the next time he will try to cope with it on his own, and will not run for help to the elders. Council, how to do in a particular situation, most often the children are waiting, complaining of parents for difficulties.
Moral violence
Most often, the child is exposed not so much physical attacks on the part of peers, how many words. The threats of physical violence can be attributed to moral violence, blackmailing and swearing (including calling). Blackmail is most often associated with the threat to tell about something adults, to give them some misdemeanor of the victim if she does not fulfill the requirements of the pursuer. Also as blackmail is used by the threat to stop making friends with the victim.
Six-year-old Julia was very valued by friendship with a seven-year-old Rita, which threatened to interrupt their relationship if Julia would not agree to change with her dolls, hairpins, etc. Strong peers tend to resort to threats of physical violence over the victim in case of its disobedience, intimidation can simply delve pleasure to the pursuer, for example, he can chase a victim, threatening it to excide, but not strive to pursue a threat, satisfying the fright and humiliation of another. But the most common form of violence in the children's team is challenges and insults - the so-called verbal aggression.
The tag is the most common cause of the offense and a fight in primary classes. Pupils of third and fifth grades, in which an anonymous survey was conducted "For what you do not like some classmates?", Most often answered: "For the fact that he (she) calls." It is on the "calling" from classmates most often complain of rejected children. And they call and insult not only the child's sacrifice, the drawings belonging to him ("Well, and a chest instead of a briefcase!", "Did you find this costume on the garbage?!"), Insult his loved ones (discussing His relatives give them offensive nicknames). The latter, perhaps, wounds the child more than its own nickname.
Clicks and teases
Why do Children willingly repeat offensive, swiss words? First, they are attracted by the emotionality, with which these words are pronounced surrounding. A swearing person usually "radiates" infinite self-confidence, his gestures are very expressive, a certain excitement and tension arises around it. Secondly, seeing that such words shock, they are angry, upset to whom they are addressed, children begin to use them to retire, satellite others. For them, swans are becoming another weapon of revenge.
Psychologist M.V. Osorina writes: "Tailing is always a test of baby I am on psychological strength." This is inevitable, in her opinion, the phenomenon in the process of formation of the group when it turns out who and what can claim it.
In 1980, an American psychologist Rum Hare and his colleagues were held in the United States, a number of European and Arab countries, a study on the role of nicknames in the children's community. Surveying about a thousand children aged 5 to 15 years, they came to the conclusion that one of the main reasons for the name of the nickname is the desire to separate "their" from "strangers". Children who have no nicknames, peers can be considered too insignificant. "To have a nickname - it means to have any quality that deserves the attention of the community, even if this attention is not quite pleasant."
Clear-minded calling (thick, jog, etc.) can be assigned to group leaders to show what it is not necessary to be. Holders of such nicknames become examples of violation of standards or norms of this group. With the help of the nickname, it is possible to understand what is acceptable in their community, and what is not. Nicknames "stupid" or "scarecrow" are not necessarily the most stupid or non-acceptable children in the group, but those who voluntarily demolish the humiliation, being a symbol of children's greed, sludge or laziness.
Clicks, understandable only on devoted, allow children to feel their withdrawal, transfer secret information, unknown even to those children to which these nicknames are.
Children learn from adults to each other. Indeed, nicknames and nicknames are present in the life of adults: from affectionate home nicknames to thymus nicknames denoting the place occupied by the nickname carrier in the criminal environment. By the way, researchers note that various crops use different nicknames, for example, the Arab countries are characterized by ridicing physical disadvantages, and in Japan, analogies with animals or insects are used more often. And although in an adult clue, the nicknames have a certain symbolic value, and their carriers can be proud of their nickname, but for the child it is equally insulting among the peers "seal" or "ghirtstet." Yes, and the meaning of children's nickname is usually somewhat different.
Here are the main causes of each other's children:
1. Aggression (a conscious desire to offend, annoy, pick up peers).
2. The desire to attract attention (who teasing or surrounding):
Game (teasing perceives calls as a fun game, attracting the attention of peer, not intelling to insult him);
- provocation (teasing aware that he insults peers, but thus strive to provoke him into active actions, for example, to force him to rummage, compete, accept the challenge);
- joke (not so much wants to offend the comrade how much seeks to hang around);
- Self-affirmation (teasing deliberately insults peer to humiliate him and stand out in the eyes of others, "put it in place," to approve the leadership position).
3. Revenge (offended or humiliated child begins to tease the offender, especially if it cannot answer physically; also comes from envy).
It also happens that the child calls unintentionally, not with evil - teasing does not understand that another offensive, he was accustomed to note the features of others, to identify their characteristic features, for example, comparing with animals. Perhaps he is accepted to reward each other with nicknames, and this does not offend anyone.
A funny case happened once with me.
In our family, it was customary to call each other "boring", it was said that almost with admiration, if a person demonstrated a pedantry, accuracy, responsibility, but it was called for a certain share of fatigue from this, they say, too, you all carefully and accurately. .. With this word, many funny family stories have been connected with this, and we have never considered an offensive. But when I called my new acquaintance, he was very offended at me, because for him it was a cursue. I had to explain for a long time that I did not want to say anything bad to say. This case taught me to be careful with the words.
About appearance and nicknames
"The fact that he is a mattress, he was written on his face, guessed in his slow, sluggish movements, sounded in a deaf voice," such a story of the story of Yu. Yakovlev "Knight Vasya" see. Very often offensive nicknames "stick" to the child due to the peculiarities of his appearance.
The words spoken by the peer in the midst of a quarrel - "Redhead", "CHAKARIK" or "NOSATE" - is in the soul of the child, injured him. The child begins to feel incomplete, loses self-confidence. But if a person, whose opinion, the child is valuable (teacher, parents), will tell him between the business: "What is your frame beautiful, you go so, you're so solid!" Or: "You are like a sun, with your arrival in the room lighter is done", "you have a Greek profile, always envied people with such noses, not that I am drunken ..." Sometimes one such phrase is capable of not to increase the child's self-esteem, At least to reconcile with the peculiarities of its appearance, which can not always be achieved by long conversations on this topic.
Especially sensitive and attentive should be with children with objective grounds for experiences. We are talking about children with various appearance defects, for example, a noticeable gothic stain, chromota, squint, and the like. In this case, much depends on adults: parents can help the child correctly treat their lack of disadvantage, and educators and teachers - to steal all sorts of nicknames and bullying. Czech psychologist Zdegek Mateychek believes that "our educational goal is not to protect the child from interest and curious views, but in order for his unusualness he perceived as a course of his own part of his, I lived with it, not paying attention to it And without making it problems. "
I want to tell one case from my practice.
I was then just started working as a school psychologist. One of my wards was the first grader Tanya, we dealt with it the development of attention. She appeared in the class two weeks after the start of classes, because something sick, in addition, and in the room, and on the street she walked all the time in a gentle hat, which was never shot. To learn from the class teacher, what's the matter, I could not, but ask the girl myself awkwardly.
One day I accompanied Tanya home after school, as she could not pick up her elder brother, and she told me: "You know, Lara wanted to take a hat from me today, and I told her that I was hiding a witch that would hide it! And She fell behind me. " (Lara was the winding and hooligan, and Tanya made the impression of a quiet, inactive, weak girl.) I do not remember that I answered Tanya, in my opinion, praised her for resourcefulness, Tanya revived and happily said: "And I can soon remove the hat - Hair has already thrown away! " And then I understood what was the matter, - Tanya sickly deprive, and she had to dodge. In order not to catch a cold and do not be shy to go to school, she wore this hat.
Of course, not only me, but also classmates (especially classmates) Intrigious this never removed cap. And Tanya decided this situation in his own way, - it doesn't matter, she herself came up with a witch, or her parents suggested to her, it is important that this image worked, he not only helped the Thane to put up with his dissimilarity on the rest, but as it turned out , defended from the annoying curiosity of peers. We reached the house, discussing Tanynu's disease, - she infected from the cat, which was able to save. And then I told Tanya: "You know, you look like a enchanted princess, when the spells are destroyed, you will rent a hat, and everyone will be surprised, what are your beautiful hair." For me, it was so, I suddenly understood what Tanya cheerful, friendly and charming girl. And I was very nice and joyfully that Tanya shared his secret with me.
It is not necessary to impose a child as a consolation of the story about the "Cinderella" or "Naddock Duckling", but it is important that he has information about the success of people with non-standard appearance (for me this example serves Actress Wuoo Goldberg, director Woody Alain, etc.) .
Learning to resist
Avoid the appearance of teasers in the children's team is almost impossible, but it is necessary to deal with them.
Parents and teachers should not disregard the situation of the kids to each other. The task of the teacher to stop the appearance and use of offensive nicknames in the classroom. You can talk separately with instigators, you can arrange a class hour on this topic. With the victims, it is necessary to discuss why others are called (offended by him, want to attract his attention?).
It happens, the child does not understand what he says, or does not realize that he utters very offensive and sudden words. It should be explained to him that in this way he insults all those present and use such words indecently teenagers can be said that people use curses only as a last resort, when they are not enough forces and words from despair, and help them change the attitude towards difficult situations. For example, one teacher offered his fifth-graders to use instead of generally accepted dinosaur names or colors. You can call on the leg of a classmate by the diplodok or cactus. It also sounds emotionally, but significantly less rudely and with humorous color.
It is useful to play with the guys in the Association - in turn, talk about, with what objects, animals, at times of the year, etc. They are associated with each other. Start the game is better in small groups so that everyone can speak and be in the central role. It can be discussed why this or that association arose. This game helps to draw the child's attention to the one of its qualities are meaningful to others.
Parents, if a child complains that he is teased, you should talk to him about as you just need to respond to the tag.
Do not react in any way (ignore, not pay attention). It is quite difficult to do this, but in some cases effectively. For example: "Hare, hare!" - Calling classmate. Do not respond until you turn by name, pretend that you do not understand who they turn. Say: "I really call me. And did you call me?"
Reagree non-standard. A calling child always expects to get a certain reaction from the victim (insult, anger, etc.), the unusual behavior of the victim can stop aggression. For example, you can agree with the nickname: "Yes, mom also thinks that I am something like the owl, I still see everyone at night, I love to sleep in the morning." Or laugh together: "Yes, we have such a surname, so teased and my great-grandfather." By the way, parents can talk at home with a child about the fact that often the children call each other in the team, passing, distorting surnames, come up with nicknames. You can remember how at one time they called them, try to make a new one from the last name, to determine who will come up with a more original, unusual, laugh together. Then the child will be easier not to be offended by the peers - he will be ready for it.
Explain. You can safely tell the challenge: "I am very insulting to hear it," "Why do you want to offend me?". One second-grader (the largest in class) another boy called Tolstoy. What the object of ridiculors said: "You know, I don't want to be friends with you at all." It was so impressed by the aggressor that he apologized and stopped calling him.
Do not succumb to provocation. For a student of the fifth grade chased classmates and called him Masyna. He was angry and rushed to them with fists. Everyone dismissed with delight, and then started again. The boy was asked to try (as an experiment, such a proposal is always eagerly accepted by children) Next time not to rush to offenders with fists, but to turn to them and calmly say: "Guys, I'm tired, let me relax."
Do not allow you to manipulate. Very often, children strive with the help of calling to make peers do something. For example, everyone knows the reception to "take to weak." With all the child, it is said that he does not do something, because "coward", "smearing", etc., putting it in this way before choosing: or agree to do that they demand from it (often break some rules Or to expose themselves danger), or he will remain in the eyes of the surrounding "lip" and "coward". Probably, of all the situations associated with the name, this is the most difficult. And it is very difficult to help a child to get out of her with dignity, because to confront the opinion of the majority, especially those with whom you have to communicate to continue, not easy and an adult person.
In this sense, it is very interesting to discuss the story with the child V.Yu Dragunsky "Workers crushing the stone", in which Deniska decided to immediately jump from the tower, but not because everything was laughing at him, but because he could not respect themselves, If it were not done. The child's attention should be paid to the fact that in each particular situation it is necessary not to hurry, weigh all "for" and "against", to understand what is more important: to prove something around or preserve self-esteem.
Reply. Sometimes it is useful to answer the offender the same, not to be a passive victim, but to become an offender on an equal footing.
When the next fight took place in the sixth grade and the zeal asked: "Why do you stick?!" - One of Drachunov answered: "And he teases me. Calls" Birch bald "! The boy had the name Berezin, and his opponent was difficult to across the Georgian surname, the named Coba was called. And the head of the hearts exclaimed:" Well, you exclaim his teasing , Speak - "Coba Lochmata"! Why fought something?! "
Maybe teach this and not pedagogically, but sometimes there is no other way out. It is true, to respond not to an insult, but a special excuse.
To dissolve. According to observations of M.V. Osorina, for 5-9-year-old children, it is very important to be able to cut off the excuse - a kind of protection from the verbal attack. Knowledge of such excuses helps not leave an insult without an answer, stop conflict, keep calm (at least externally), surprise and stop the attacker accordingly. The last word in this case remains for the victims.
Here are examples of excuses:
"Black Cashier -
I have a key
who calls -
Himself on yourself! "
"Chiki-Tracks - Wall!"
(A child puts the barrier with his hand and calling.)
"It was a crocodile,
Your word swallowed
And my left! "
"Who called - it's called it so!"
"- Fool!
"It's nice to meet you, and I'm looking for my name."
All excuses should be pronounced by a calm, friendly tone, seeking to bring everything to the joke.
Serious consequences
The desire to become its own in the team, conquer the location of classmates can push the child to unseemly actions. I have already spoken about the voluntarily accepted ride of the jester, that the child turns into a thoughtless follower of the aggressor. I will give another example.
Sasha's fifth grader very suffered from the fact that he did not have in the class of friends, often became the object of ridicule from classmates; At first he fought with offenders, then began to fool in the lessons to fool the rest. When Vasya came to class, Sasha first tried to make friends with him. But Vasi did not have a relation to the leaders - Misha and Philip. And then those began to teach Sasha to make you different unpleasant things (hiding his briefcase, to call offended words, throw him a grib at the desk). Sasha willingly submitted to the guys, because he believed that in this way conquering their friendship (naturally, neither Misha nor Philip did not perceive Sasha seriously). Vasya often fought with Sasha, considering him to blame for all his troubles. It is clear that such a situation contributes to the development of a very unpleasant character of the nature of all its participants. Sasha turns into a bright performer, in the six. Vasya ceases to trust the surrounding, angry, and Misha and Philip are in their own impunity, enjoyed by managing people, whipping two classmates.
In 1981, American psychologists Achenbach and Edelbrok conducted a study, the results of which showed that "the child's confidence in its position can contribute to the development of life skills in the team, and the rejection of peers entails the development of closets, but does not lead to the weakening of those traits that It is caused. " Moreover, the difficulty of relations with peers who appeared in childhood often happens the harbinger of emotional disadvantaged in the future.
In a number of works, domestic and foreign psychologists noted that adverse relations in the team contribute to the emergence of sustainable negative experiences, the disappearance of self-confidence and reduce the ability and desire to learn. They are often the cause of premature leaving school. The deficit of social recognition and communication is compensated for by the search for an out-of-a-alarm range of peers, which is characterized by illegal behavior. Bad relationships in the class lead to other negative consequences.
Lies and boasting
Insecurity, the need to attract attention, the desire to increase their significance forcing the child to lie. With the help of lies and hopping, he hopes if not to improve, then at least not to spoil the final impression of himself. All the condemned Bushube are usually unpopular to other children guys or children with some kind of flaws in development. Not finding in the real world of what can increase their value, they come up with something capable of producing a good impression on others.
The child rejected by peers is able to come up with anything, just to attract their attention to themselves. He boasted with non-existent relatives who have something that is considered prestigious in this campaign. This may be, for example, some kind of elegant car or a rare dog breed. The child tells how great it was to ride on this "supermane" or how this "Super Facility" loves him. Often, children come up with their relationship with some famous person, and it is undoubtedly able to increase their status. In most cases, others require evidence, and the child begins to "twist", he has to lie more and more, and in the end he confuses completely. And when everything is revealed, it is still less attractive for others.
In children's artistic literature, it is described to multiply in such cases. I will give an example from your own practice.
Somehow one mother during the consultation was surprised that her son-third grader, who was recently translated into our school, for a whole week wearing photographs from daddy foreign business trips. He said that he took them to show the guys. Mom did not understand why guys could be interested in these photos. I must say that I have long watched this class, and I got the impression that for some time the personal qualities and achievements of peers became significant for the guys, and their "coolness" (this word they used themselves, responding to my question about the qualities Perfect friend). Under the "coolness" it was implied for the presence of a car market of foreign cars, a regular visit to McDonalds, possessing expensive toys and things, as well as trips during the holidays abroad. Only to someone who could boast at least something from this list, managed to feel their in class. The boy, about whom I tell, very much wanted to be adopted in a new team, but apparently I could not boast of anything, so he brought photos to school photos, told that he himself visited Oxford. This happened just at the time when the interest in overseas was in full swing. (I observed more than once how the guys were listened to whose photos interested in them, unfortunately, only from the point of view of "coolness").
Theft
The child rejected by peers is capable of desperate actions: can steal the money at home, buy candies on them and distribute them to other children to buy their love, friendship, good attitude.The child improves its own significance or is trying to draw the attention of others to the only possible, in his opinion, in the way. In another case, theft becomes a means of revenge surrounding their troubles. About one such case told me a teacher.
In the classroom, the guys began to disappear educational supplies (handles, pencils, textbooks), and they were found in the boy's portfolio, among teachers who had a reputation of hooligan because of their bad behavior, but popular among classmates. The most interesting thing is that he himself discovered missing things in his ruler and with genuine surprise reported from the surrounding. He answered all the questions with sincere bewilderment, not understanding how these things were with him. The teacher did not know what to think. Why was this boy to steal things from the guys, and then pretend to be surprised, finding them at home?
Once, when all the guys were on physical education, the teacher looked into a blank class and saw the following picture. The girl freed from physical education collected various things from the desk and hid them in a briefcase to this boy. The girl, the youngest in the classroom, went to school as a Wunderkind, but at the beginning of the first class began to experience great difficulties in school. Parents took the position of "study - not the most important thing" and believed that the teachers are unnecessary picky to their daughter. Relationships in the classroom did not have a relationship in the classroom, she claimed the main roles, but there was no authority among classmates, he often quarreled with them. Teachers were afraid and told them that she had forgotten a notebook or a diary when she threatened a bad assessment. You can only guess about the motives of such aft. Perhaps without having status in the classroom, the girl tried to assert the way. The truth about these mysterious lies, only she knew, and this mystery did it more meaningful in his own eyes. In addition, at the same time she revenge the boy, which, despite the chromatic discipline and problems with the teachers, was successful in his studies and in friendship. "Substituting" him, she, apparently, hoped to defame him in the eyes of others.
Bad relationships with classmates can cause low progress. The child disappears the desire to go to school, it can develop various neurotic and even mental disorders. The worst thing is that regular bullying is able to provoke a suicide attempt or attempt on someone from the pursuers. Once a quiet and scored eighth grader Pasha brought a pericoor knife to school who wounded the Egor who constantly sticking to him.
Grass causes irreparable damage not only the psyche of the victim. No less harmful, the situation was injured for pursuers and observers. They are risking and staying and resting in the hands of stronger and enterprising. And the decision taken under the influence of the majority, contrary to the voice of the conscience, and the constant fear of being at the sacrifice is help to reduce self-esteem, losing respect for yourself. The instigators corrupt impunity, they assimilate that such methods can be controlled by others.
About the class in which the injury occurs, you can not talk about how about the team. The union has occurred not due to mutual sympathy or common interests, but if necessary, children simply have to go. There is no dynamics in such a group, the relationship does not develop, but they are frozen by adopting an ugly form. Especially the greatest probability is that if one who is etched, a new rode will appear in the class, since this is the only possible way to build a relationship learned by the guys.
School life is an unforgettable period in the life of people. However, many of them came across some problems while studying at school. It is quite natural for every person.
Basic problems in school
Often, the main challenges faced by children in school is the inability to find a common language with other children, as well as unsuitable.
Sometimes the inability to find a common language is an even greater problem than no feeling, because school must be regarded not only the place where children acquire knowledge, but also as the main place of their socialization.
Such problems often negatively affect the psyche of the child: it can become irritable, anxious, insecure. It is because of such problems, the child refuses to attend school, which often gives rise to conflicts with parents.
Associtant, its causes
School intimacy is a low level of knowledge in a child. Very often, children cannot fully assimilate that educational material that is taught at school. School unsuccessability is often caused by such reasons:
Bad preparation for school. If the child did not know how to write and read before school, it appears very high probability of his failure even in high school;
Insufficient level of hard work. The child is not interested in school disciplines, he will gladly spend time on other classes;
Not good professional training teachers. Some teachers may not interest the student who is somewhat lagging behind other children in the classroom.
Superchactivity. Some children do not know how to focus on the lesson. It is interesting to them all that surrounds them: a new line of a neighbor on the desk, conversations with the guys sitting at the other end of the class, pigtails ahead of the seating girl, candy in the portfolio, carefully laid by mom.
Such children have good potential, but cannot be implemented in mind their excessive activity.
Inability to find a common language with classmates
Often, children do not have school friends who made them attempts to start comrades to fail. Such schoolchildren are very hard - after all, they cannot discuss school life with other children, feel unnecessary in the social group.
The reason for such problems is:
Natural emotional closing of a child;
School change (especially in transition);
Low self-esteem of the child (both groundless and due to social factors).
Very often, problems in communicating with classmates apply to an out-of-school life. Children communicate a little with their yard friends, neighbor guys.
Such children are desirable to become more open, try to elaborate in the extracurricelle life of classmates or in school amateur.
Kids spend at school most of their active childhood. And if some difficulties cause only the "home" in mathematics, then for other school it becomes synonymous with problems, poor mood and all kinds of suffering. The reason for the spoiled impression of the first education can be a lot: not established relationships with classmates or teachers, poor performance ... What should I do if you understand that your child faced problems, because of which the school visits to torture?
Problem: The child is worried too much due to bad estimates
Your son or daughter comes from school in tears, to the question "What happened?" Does not respond, hides his eyes, refuses to show a diary ... As a result, it turns out that such behavior is due to the fact that he shropotal two (or three) at school. And so happens every time the teacher puts the assessment below the "five".What to do:
Almost certainly such a deep disorder of a child is closely related to the expectations that you verbally or unbelibrately broadcast you yourself. Some parents are directly saying "You must learn on one fives," others hint - "That's what your diary had the same beautiful, like your friend Petit." In both cases, the child feels obliged to learn to "excellent", especially if such veiled or not very phrases skipped in your speech often. And there is not always an excellent student.
Therefore, the first thing you need to do to help your child is less worried about bad marks, is to stop concentrated on them. Praise the child for his achievements - for example, for what Honor has become a handwriting, how quickly he decided to a task in mathematics, with which expression he read the poem, and not for the five. You must broadcast that good grades are great, but most importantly - real knowledge, and even more importantly - interest in study and efforts. Only for this you need to believe it yourself.
Problem: Classmates offend the child
Sad reality is as follows: Almost every modern class is its "outcast". He is offended, they laugh at him, he does not give a passage and in the literal, and in the figurative sense. Often, some "feature" of a child who distinguishes him from the rest is often the cause of ridicule and mocking classmates. Too tall, full, dressed differently, has a different eye cut or skin color, learns too good or too bad, does not eat meat, "the cause of bullying can be all anywhere.What to do:
Do not interfere "directly". If you decide to "hold a conversation" with children who offend your son or daughter, you just worsen the situation. Because being near all the time, while your child in school, you can not physically be able, but as soon as you leave - it will still be teased and because "Mommy stands for him."
Giving a child advice and read lectures on what he should do in such a situation is also not effective. Because the advice we give from the "adult" position - if the child had our confidence, knowledge and power, perhaps he would have no problem.
In this situation, you can only one thing - to maximize the support of the child. Listen to him when he wants to complain, tell you how you love it. And try to find a society for him the same as he, where his feature will appreciate, and not reject. If the child chatting too much and shrieks - give it to the theater, if it is too high for its age - in the basketball section. Seeing that he is not one such, the child will be less shy to his "features", but it is likely - it will begin to be proud of it, and other people's ridicule will not hurt him. And as soon as the tool does not finish before the goal, it stops shooting.
If the situation over time only worsens and comes to the hands-writer, you may need to think about transferring the child to another school. Extra half an hour of road or not such a high rating for individual subjects is not as scary as the destroyed psyche of the child.
Problem: the child has no friends at school
Problems with relationships in school are not always connected with the fact that someone offends the child - sometimes it is just ignored. If classmates make it on purpose, "fight" is the same ways as with active "departures", but most often the lack of friends in a child in school is still associated with its natural modesty. Often, children who moved to a new school are faced with this problem, where their teams and interests have already developed. And, if for an active and fool child to join the new environment - not a problem, then the shy will stand aside, without deciding to approach and speak with the new company.What to do:
First, make sure that the desire to have friends belongs to your child, not you. Most children experience the need to belong to the group, but from any rule there are exceptions - perhaps your child is just one of them. If your little schoolboy really wants to make friends with someone, but can not help him, arrange some fun event, to invite other children.
Behind the walls of the school in a situation where they are interested and nice, children are usually more located to contacts - and will not mind playing with your son or daughter.
If you organize picnics and hiking you once, try to call someone from classmates to visit guests. In the end, you either will not prevent your friends in a school environment. Ask your new acquaintances to visit your child so that you are not boring. And be sure to come up with some rope fascinating occupation, which children can do together - collect a new designer, build a fortress from pillows, combing a dog, anything that they can do together.
Problem: Overloaded schedule, the child gets tired and does not cope with the load
Teachers complain that your child sleeps in the lessons. At home, he refuses not what to help in the house - but also to play, because too tired and wants to rest. Or maybe he has no time for the game, because after school you need not only to make lessons, but also go to the riding lesson, and then work out with the Spanish teacher ...What to do:
To influence its parental ambitions - almost always when the child turns out to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to overwork, it turns out that, in addition to the school, he visits several more different circles and sports sections. Take care of the comprehensive development of the child - this is good and correct, but even until its physical and psychological health suffers.
Try to refuse, at least at the time, from the lessons of piano, and not drive your son or daughter for classes to a private chess teacher three times a week. Watch your child: did he become more vigorous, cheerful, active? If not, perhaps he needs more time to come to himself. Also, it will not be superfluous to check if the overwork and the nervous depletion of the lack of vitamins in the body is not caused.
If, in addition to school, the child has no additional loads, while teachers still complain about his inattention, you may need to check the child on attention deficit syndrome. With ADHD (it is so abbreviated as syndrome), due to neurological features, the child is hardly concentrated on something, cannot hold attention for a long time, which affects performance at school. Children with this syndrome need special assistance in assimilating information.
Problem: the teacher for something dislikes the child and unfortunately underestimates
The perfect teacher's world should be impartial, to evaluate the true level of child's knowledge, not paying attention to their personal sympathies and antipathy. But in reality, alas, often happens quite the opposite. And the teacher chooses "pets" and "boys (girls) for beating." And not always in the "non-lovers" children fall, who are famous for poor behavior or do not know the subject. Just, for example, the teacher loves active guys who always pull the hand and seek to answer any of her question, and those who are calmly sitn (perhaps, because because of their temperament does not seek to "climb ahead") by default puts "to the step below "What to do:
For a start, try to "explore the situation". Talk to your parents of other children - how does this teacher treat them? Do not complain about it? Perhaps a particular teacher has something globally goes wrong in life, and he "breaks down" on children. In this case, it is worth contacting the director and solve the problem to administratively - to change the teacher to the whole class.
If your guess is about the fact that the teacher dislikes the specifically of your child, will confirm, try to openly talk to it. The main thing is not to start with threats or negative. And for you, and for your child will be much better if you manage to settle the conflict peacefully. Ask what you need to make you to make it improved? Tell me that you feel that your son "does not pull" her subject - what could she advise to improve the situation? Tell us about the peculiarities of your child - may, realizing that he does not pull, not because he knows nothing, but because the phlegmatic on temperament, she will begin to ask him more often - and make sure that he knows everything better than many.
If despite all your conversations, the teacher will not leave your child alone, use this case as an example, telling the child that it happens in life - even if we try very much and do everything well, others do not always evaluate adequately . Praise your child and tell me that you are sure that he knows mathematics (literature, English) is better than many, and if the estimates will not reflect these knowledge - it is not his fault.
In general, when a child complains about something that happens in school (and not only there), try to hear not only words, but also emotions. Listen to everything that wants to tell you your baby, and write the feelings that you think it is experiencing. "It seems to me that you are very upset" - and silence. The child himself will give you to understand, correctly you "guessed" or not, and most importantly - will receive "permission" to express everything that he has accumulated on the soul. Such deep emotional contact is the best that you can give your child if there is any problem.
And you can more often remind him that he is wonderful and you love it, and the school is just one of the stages of long-life life. Former offenders and harmful teachers will remain in the past, and he will definitely meet those who will appreciate all his wonderful qualities.
Photo - Photo Bank Laurie
Not all so good. Of course, it is perfect that the child has a trust relationship with parents and there is enough of their society. However, he must learn to communicate and with peers, otherwise in adulthood, serious problems can be tested: it will be very difficult for him to get used to the collectives, the inability to find a common language with people can seriously affect his personal life and professional success, to deprive him of the chance in achieving Career heights.
Is there any fault of the parents in the fact that their son or a daughter is not friendly with anyone?
Not necessarily. There are children who, because of their nature, absolutely do not seek to communicate. Parents do not all protect them from peers, on the contrary, would be happy if their child was friends with someone: invited his comrades to visit, went to them.
However, there are other families whose house is closed for guests. Children are given the installation on the fact that good friends simply cannot be: deceived, betray, nothing will do disinterested! Sometimes it says all this is not straightforward, but rather veiled. For example, it seems to parents and not against the friendship of their son or daughter with one child or another, but the latter always has some negative features: either he is just worse studying, or does not behave so well, or his parents are lower in social status That is, you can communicate, but the special benefit from this communication will not be their beloved tea. Children are very subtle psychologists: they greatly catch the thoughts of the parents and try not to go on their will, sometimes even play up with adults, then the matter informs them about those or other misses of their comrades in school.
If parents never limited a child in communicating with other children, did not prevent his school comrades to have at home, did not discuss the lack of other guys or their parents in his presence, which means their guilt is that the son or daughter is not It turns out "Friend", no!
What could the child be guilty?
Children's team is often harsh and even cruel, but must be recognized to some extent fair. What comrades do not like children? Those who behave arrogantly, aggressively, greadings, each occasion complains of parents, eating teachers. One of the negative features is enough so that the guys turn away from the classmate. And other children do not like dirt. Let them their parents themselves constantly remind that it is necessary to wash, be neat in clothes - they are intolerant to other things!
How to help your child find a common language with other children?
First you need to find out the reason why there are no children in the class who would sympathize with it. How to do it? First, to carefully listen to the child himself, make him tell the truth. Let him tell in detail how classmates belong to him and how he answers them. Secondly, it is necessary to talk to the teachers, specifically to ask them the question: did they notice that the child does not find a common language with comrades? What, in their opinion, may be the cause of such an isolated from the collective. Thirdly, to gain courage and listen to the children themselves: in primary and secondary class, the guys are still open enough, they do not know how to exaggerate, they can exaggerate a problem a little, but, in general, from their answers the picture should clarify.
Help must be correct!
Trying to help the child adapt in the peer environment, parents must be extremely tactful: the rude interference in the saint's personal space or daughter is fraught with the consequences, even if they are still very children. How to make it so that the child is not offended, did not climb? Specific advice can not be given: parents must feel themselves when and at what point can you get a conversation with the child about his problems, be able to find suitable words.
If you have to turn to third parties to teachers or classmates of the child, then it is to do the most delicately in relation to the latter. Ask the teacher to keep the conversation in secret from the son or daughter; Talk not with all children, but with the most benevolent, responsible, independent - those whose opinion will be quite objective. To whom it is from the children to turn, again a teacher can tell.
To a conversation with classmates, too, you need to prepare. You should not ask such too straight questions: "Why don't you like my child? What did he make you bad? " You can start a conversation with neutral topics: "What lessons do you like more? Who do you want to become? " And only then, when the children talk, joke: "Something nobody comes to visit us?" Or again, the half-one ask: "My son (or daughter) does not offend anyone in the classroom?"