Obsessive thoughts are jealousy of the past. Men's opinion. Jealousy of the past

Hello, Alexander.
Here are the points I drew attention to in your letter and on which I have questions:

I have a fad: a wife must be innocent!

how did this little thing of yours come about and when?

What I value most in a relationship is honesty and I hate understatement!

Was it in your life that someone insisted that you always tell the truth and not hide anything, completely spread everything as it is and have no personal secrets?

I am a very suspicious person and it is difficult to deceive me!

it is possible that your suspiciousness did not start from scratch, but there were some situations related to close relationships, in which you were hurt, deceived and you suffered from it. what are these situations and with whom?

As soon as I imagine what she was doing in bed before me, I start to lose my mind! I get rough and cold and can't help myself!

I think that this reaction of yours has a long history, Alexander. remember when you became rude and cold, in addition to your relationship with your wife, and could not help yourself.

Thank you for responding! I'll try to explain ...

How did this little thing of yours come about and when?

Was it in your life that someone insisted that you always tell the truth and not hide anything, completely spread everything as it is and have no personal secrets?

Of course! I was taught this way by my parents since childhood. That there should not be secrets from CLOSE people!

It is possible that your suspiciousness did not start from scratch, but there were some situations related to close relationships in which you were hurt, deceived and you suffered from it. what are these situations and with whom?

Of course they were deceiving! One example: at the institute I met a girl who insisted that she had broken up with her past man! Then it surfaced that in parallel with me she continued to meet with him and became pregnant safely from him.

It seems that this reaction of yours has a long history, Alexander. remember when you became rude and cold, in addition to your relationship with your wife, and could not help yourself.

In principle, if an event occurs that, according to my personal principles, is wrong or immoral and I can no longer correct anything and influence it in any way, then I become cold to this person!
In this case, my wife does not hide the fact that if she knew that we would meet, then nothing would have happened before me! You may find it funny, but I believe her. And I have no complaints against her in any way! But I cannot agree with myself! I cannot drive away from myself thoughts, what and how she was doing with others! Perhaps my imagination is too advanced! But there are times when I simply cannot drive these thoughts away from myself. Although I realize that before her I also had close relationships with other girls! And, oddly enough, I don't see anything wrong with that!

Hmm ... Probably at the institute. Before college, I talked with a girl. She had a principle: to remain innocent until the wedding! And as a teenager, I wanted an intimate relationship !!! Then I did not even think whether my girlfriend's virgin or not! For a while we just met, then kisses, then it came to a certain intimacy, but the sexual contact itself never happened! Then I realized that we, in general, do not fit each other in character and we parted! It had nothing to do with sex! We are still good friends. But all my subsequent girls began to make me dislike if I found out that they were sexually active before meeting me! Despite the fact that they were very decent and positive girls. But the fact itself.

Alexander, the first thing that comes to mind is that you somehow transferred the image of that first girl to your wife, and now she has to take the rap for the fact that the other woman refused you sexual intimacy ...

Of course! I was taught this way by my parents since childhood. That there should not be secrets from CLOSE people!

Yes.

Of course they were deceiving! One example: at the institute I met a girl who insisted that she had broken up with her past man! Then it surfaced that in parallel with me she continued to meet with him and became pregnant safely from him.

sad, yes ...

In principle, if an event occurs that, according to my personal principles, is wrong or immoral and I can no longer correct anything and influence it in any way, then I become cold to this person!

and what other events happened where you could not fix anything, and this event is about male-female relations?

In this case, my wife does not hide the fact that if she knew that we would meet, then nothing would have happened before me! You may find it funny, but I believe her. And I have no complaints against her in any way! But I cannot agree with myself! I cannot drive away from myself thoughts, what and how she was doing with others! Perhaps my imagination is too advanced! But although I realize that before her I also had close relationships with other girls! And, oddly enough, I don't see anything wrong with that!

Alexander, and in these here your thoughts, fantasies, what are they like before you, other men? Do you compare them with yourself, and what assessment do you give yourself if you compare?

There are times when I simply cannot drive these thoughts away from myself.

apparently, such thoughts are somehow valuable to you, since you cannot drive them away. and if so, it is useful to look carefully what is there that especially catches you, how such scenes can be interesting and "appetizing" to you. can even realize something of them in real life with your participation - our sexuality sometimes just makes its way into consciousness, through the "forbidden" scenes. you said that your wife is modest in bed ...

Alexander, the first thing that comes to mind is that you somehow transferred the image of that first girl to your wife, and now she has to take the rap for the fact that the other woman refused you sexual intimacy ...
and this may mean that those first relationships are not over for you, there is something so valuable in them that you cannot realize in marriage. but that's just a guess.
and if you look into an even more distant past, where could you take note of a fad about the obligatory innocence of your woman?

No. For that girl, except for friendly sympathy, I think there is nothing left. And my wife is more likely to be puffed up because that girl serves as an example of perseverance and loyalty to her principles for me! Although, as far as I know, my wife dated even longer with a man before entering into the first sexual intercourse! And by nature, my wife is much closer to me than that first girl. There is probably nothing left here! And even further to look, then everything here comes from my dad! Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, he instilled in me and my sister a cult of sex! In the sense that sex is not just a normal relationship between a man and a woman, but something more! What should be approached with full responsibility, and not just as entertainment! That is why it is wild to me that my wife had her first sexual intercourse at the age of 17. And by the age of 22, she had already managed to change 4 partners!

Yes.
And you really have been following this teaching of theirs to this day, Alexander, and never once came to your consciousness to somehow doubt this postulate?
Do you have the slightest doubt on this topic?
so it turns out that a loved one is, as it were, not a separate person at all, but an extension of myself ... but can, for example, my hand betray my leg, or wish to have something of my own?

Forgive me, I didn't quite understand here ... The fact is that my wife and I really feel each other as ourselves, as one whole ... And this makes me even more ashamed that I doubted her! And we actually agreed at the very beginning of our relationship never to deceive each other in anything, no matter how hard the truth is!

Sad, yes ...
dated you, and got pregnant from him ... how did you feel when the truth came out and instead of you they chose another?
and what other events happened where you could not fix anything, and this event is about male-female relations?

Not at all. Not sad at all! On the contrary ... The fact is that I did not have any special feelings for that girl. This is absolutely sincere! It was a banal desire for an intimate relationship. It didn't work out and it's not scary. Another thing was that it was unpleasant from the realization that I could not immediately notice this. It seemed to me that I was not bad at understanding people. But it was a cool lesson for the future!
The first thing that comes to mind is that I hadn't met my wife seven years earlier! But it was not real - she lived in another city. Well, I also regret the many opportunities I missed to envy relationships with girls, whom I really liked, but "rejected" them because of their sexual intercourse with other men!

Alexander, and in these here your thoughts, fantasies, what are they like before you, other men? Do you compare them with yourself, and what assessment do you give yourself if you compare? Apparently, such thoughts are somehow valuable to you, since you cannot drive them away. and if so, it is useful to look carefully what is there that especially catches you, how such scenes can be interesting and "appetizing" to you. can even realize something of them in real life with your participation - our sexuality sometimes just makes its way into consciousness, through the "forbidden" scenes. you said that your wife is modest in bed ...

Perhaps you misunderstood me! The fact is that I do not suffer from a perverse sexual fantasy and it is extremely unpleasant for me to imagine my wife in sex scenes with other men! Naturally, I do not even doubt that if I had appeared earlier in her life, then they would not have been there and close! They seem to me dirty and disgusting ... And it is from this that I feel uncomfortable that she went to bed with them! Unworthy of her! I wish that all this was not in her life! As for her modesty in bed, at first it annoyed me that she seemed insincere to me! As if she wanted to seem less experienced than she is! Still 4 partners. But pretending to be 7 years ... seems unlikely to me! In addition, in our last conversations, the phrase flashed through her: Don't you think that experience does not depend on the number of partners? I became very thoughtful. I even had to force her to say, but how much sex was there in her life in her personal opinion? And it turned out not so much in fact! And we agreed not to be shy and talk to each other directly about our sexual fantasies and about what is pleasant for us and what is not! And my main problem is that, as you know, during sexual contact, it is the man who OWNS the woman, and not vice versa! And it turns out that my wife OWNED 4 more men besides me! So how can I be her only and beloved as she herself says about it! After all, she probably returns to something from a past life in her thoughts! And I would really like to be the ONLY one for her! But now this is impossible!

And even further to look, then everything here comes from my dad! Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, he instilled in me and my sister a cult of sex! In the sense that sex is not just a normal relationship between a man and a woman, but something more! What should be approached with full responsibility, and not just as entertainment! That is why it is wild to me that my wife entered into her first sexual relationship at the age of 17. And by the age of 22, she had already managed to change 4 partners!

Alexander, your wife is not your dad's daughter and she was not instilled in a similar cult. What do you think, how useful is the influence of the father's cult on your marriage with your wife?

Forgive me, I didn't quite understand here ... The fact is that my wife and I really feel each other as ourselves, as one whole ... And this makes me even more ashamed that I doubted her! And we actually agreed at the very beginning of our relationship never to deceive each other in anything, no matter how hard the truth is!

I was taught this way by my parents since childhood. That there should not be secrets from CLOSE people!

and your parents allow you, Alexander, to have secrets from them now, or do they insist that you certainly talk about what is happening in your bed with your wife?

Not at all. Not sad at all! On the contrary ... The fact is that I did not have any special feelings for that girl. This is absolutely sincere! It was a banal desire for an intimate relationship.

Contrary to dad's sex cult? but how did he react to your ... disobedience?

Perhaps you misunderstood me! The fact is that I do not suffer from a perverse sexual fantasy and it is extremely unpleasant for me to imagine my wife in sex scenes with other men!

wait, you wrote:

I cannot drive away from myself thoughts, what and how she was doing with others! Perhaps my imagination is too advanced!

this is not a perverse, but an ordinary human fantasy, Alexander. inherent in all adult sexually mature men and women, no matter what your dad tells you about it, believe me ...

Naturally, I do not even doubt that if I had appeared earlier in her life, then they would not have been there and close! They seem to me dirty and disgusting ... And it is from this that I feel uncomfortable that she went to bed with them! Unworthy of her!

Since this moment really bothers you, I will ask: what exactly do you call dirty and vile in the relationship between a man and a woman?

I wish that all this was not in her life!

And my main problem is that, as you know, during sexual contact, it is the man who OWNS the woman, and not vice versa! And it turns out that my wife OWNED 4 more men besides me! So how can I be her only and beloved as she herself says about it! After all, she probably returns to something from a past life in her thoughts! A I would really like to be the ONLY one for her! But now this is impossible!

you see, there is such a stage in the psychosexual development of a child, a boy in particular (and all children go through them) when he wants to be the only man for his mother ... and if difficulties occur at this stage of development, then such a fixation remains with a person for many years , but does not go on as usual, and is already transferred to relationships with other women. read about it by searching for the "Oedipus complex" tag on this forum or on the net.
I notice that you put an exclamation mark after almost every sentence, Alexander. this indicates a constant heightened emotional background. in real life are you like that, or only while writing lyrics here?

Last edited by Azbuka; 06/14/2012 at 17:37.

Alexander, your wife is not your dad's daughter and she was not instilled in a similar cult. What do you think, how useful is the influence of the father's cult on your marriage with your wife?

You are absolutely right. And I am perfectly aware of this. Naturally, my wife and I have different dads. I was brought up this way, her differently. Therefore, I tell her that in no case I have and cannot have any claims to her about her past life. She acted as she believed correctly, most likely she was brought up that way. This was her life. I just want to calm down and not think about it, but think exclusively about our future with her and enjoy the present. So if I did not understand myself WHAT influence this cult has on our relationship with her, perhaps I would not have opened this topic.

And do your parents allow you, Alexander, to have secrets from them now, or do they insist that you certainly talk about what is happening in your bed with your wife?

Yes, it's funny. I expected something like this. We are adults, and naturally there are things that only my wife and I know and discuss. But can a husband and wife, the closest people have secrets from each other? Any omissions? Or am I wrong and you want to say that each person should have their own personal space where no one should enter?

Contrary to dad's sex cult? but how did he react to your ... disobedience?

You perfectly understand that dad could instruct and teach what is good and what is bad. But this does not mean that I did everything that way. In the end, I made all the decisions and make myself! And to be honest, I doubt that I told my dad about this. In fact, you are not entirely right that you are focusing on my dad in this situation. Yes, undoubtedly, he enjoyed and still enjoys great authority with me, but all the actions that I did in my life I did myself and exclusively of my own free will, and not on someone's instruction. Of course, I consult with him a lot (except for what to do in bed with my wife), but I make decisions myself. And they do not always coincide with his advice.

Wait, you wrote: this is not a perverted, but an ordinary human fantasy, Alexander. inherent in all adult sexually mature men and women, no matter what your dad tells you about it, believe me ...

You really want to make my dad a mentally ill person. No, my dad didn’t tell me that. Hmm ... I'll try to explain ... I am extremely unpleasant that someone other than me touched my wife's intimate places. She did the same. Sorry, I entered it ... I would like none of the men except me (of course I mean doctors, for example) to see her naked and not even touch her. Something like this. It's actually very unpleasant for me to write this now. Naturally, I'm not trying to portray her in sex scenes with other men. I hate to realize that she had it.

Since this moment really bothers you, I will ask: what exactly do you call dirty and vile in the relationship between a man and a woman?

Stop. I did not say what I consider to be a dirty and vile relationship between a man and a woman. I said that all the men who touched her naked body (again, let’s omit the doctors and relatives, for example, when she was a child and dad bathed or swaddled her, we’ll not get it ridiculously) seemed to me disgusting and disgusting. And not worthy of it.

Thanks. I'll try to familiarize myself. By the way, I myself suppose that in fact it is some kind of complex for me. Therefore, I am writing here to try to get rid of it.
No, in life I am just a very little emotional person. And I very rarely show my emotions in public. Here it is rather an attempt to emphasize the importance of this or that statement. It seems that every sentence is important to me.

You see, there is such a stage in the psychosexual development of a child, a boy in particular (and all children go through them) when he wants to be the only man for his mother ... and if difficulties occur at this stage of development, such a fixation remains with a person for many years , but does not go on as usual, and is already transferred to relationships with other women. read about it by searching for the "Oedipus complex" tag on this forum or on the net.

On your recommendation, I read about the concept of the "Oedipus complex" and it turned out that most likely it actually remained unresolved for me. Namely: if POWER or CONTROL is used in your relationship with your spouse; if in relation to your husband / wife you often behave like a parent; Of course, there can be no POWER of speech, but unfortunately, CONTROL is total! (But I never felt sexual attraction to my mother ... And I didn’t idialize either her or my dad. I always accepted my parents as they are. I would like to understand how can it be resolved? If possible, of course.

Yes, it's funny. I expected something like this. We are adults, and naturally there are things that only my wife and I know and discuss. But can a husband and wife, the closest people have secrets from each other? Any omissions? Or am I wrong and you want to say that each person should have their own personal space where no one should enter?

Well, for example, if you didn’t look into your wife’s past, you would live happily and comfortably now, and you wouldn’t be tormented by mental anguish.
private from common

Unfortunately, the CONTROL is total! (But I never felt sexual attraction to my mother ... And I did not idialize either her or my dad. I always accepted my parents as they are. I would like to understand how it can be resolved? If possible, of course.

Can you give examples of total control of you by your parents, Alexander? You have already said a lot about dad's control, but what happened from mom's side?

there are, after all, secrets, and there is privacy. secrecy is what we hide from each other about us. and privacy is a personal area that does not belong to a partner, these are private events in the life of each of us. when people know how to share private from common, then they are able not to hurt each other.

undoubtedly, I thought a lot about whether it was necessary to find out everything or whether it was better to live outside the knowledge. and let me remind you that initially I asked my wife this way: I don’t care about your past, I don’t want to know anything. and this was due to the fact that she herself sometimes tried to give some examples. I suspect that perhaps she thereby, on the contrary, wanted to show her experience in front of me. After all, initially I did not tell her that I have my own "special" attitude towards innocence. and then, after all, when we met, I did not expect that we would become husband and wife. I liked the girl, we met ... then we began to live together. Of course, my feelings for her only became stronger and stronger. because I understood that we are absolutely suitable for each other in character. we have practically no quarrels. and it was evident that she was a decent person. but, I have already said that I knew that she had already had the experience of living together before me. as well as two more unpleasant moments surfaced at the very beginning of our relationship with her. By the way, at first I just wanted to break up with her because of this, but then, after thinking, I stayed. I’ll explain first what a moment, and then why I didn’t quit. somehow calling her in the evening (we have not lived together yet), I found her in hysterics. When I asked what had happened, I said that I would come now, but she asked not to come and said that tomorrow she would tell everything at the meeting. The next evening, she confessed to me that when she broke up with her past man (and she broke up because she found out that he was cheating on her), he was thrown after her: do not forget to check with the doctor! just last night she got the results - ippp. in principle, nothing so terrible ... unfortunately, this did not pass me by in my youth. to my question and it is not necessary to protect yourself unless she said that sometimes the means of protection are torn. Well, you can't argue with that, and this has happened to me! at first I felt disgusted and I wanted to turn around and leave. but then he calmed down and asked himself, how many girls would tell the truth in this situation, and not just with the help of various tricks delayed the beginning of our sexual relations for a while (by that time we were not yet close)? and the second point: sometimes a man called. I will notice on the city phone. she abruptly cut him off and hung up (there was no call then, it was not clear who was calling). I tried to talk to him myself - it's useless. then I first asked her: who is this? she said to an old acquaintance. I asked what happened to him? she said no. but after another drunken night call, I boiled over and said that I doubted that nothing had happened since he called so persistently. then, under pressure, she confessed that this was her first man. but that was more than 5 years ago and everything is long gone. I will also note that the wife is from another city. and this bloke called from there to help him with the purchase of a car. I said that if one more call, then everything will be over. everything stopped and nothing of the kind happened again in 8 years of marriage. it was in the first 2 months. that is why I began to draw out her past from her in order to try to understand what kind of person she really is? either she is actually a decent and too trusting girl who simply was not very lucky in relationships with men, or an experienced woman who has a bunch of skeletons in her closet and it is better to end all relationships. that's why I began to creep into her private life. and I will note that I saw how unpleasant it was for her to discuss this, but for the sake of our relationship, she did not refuse. I understand that from the outside it may look like excessive gullibility on my part. but I repeat, nothing like this happened again.

Can you give examples of total control of you by your parents, Alexander? You have already said a lot about dad's control, but what happened from mom's side?

hmm ... mom is actually even more jealous than dad about my and my sister's secrets from her (well, with the exception of perhaps intimate life) ... she should know everything. there was such a case. I was swimming. left for training in a bad mood. and the coach asks me: why are your parents wondering if you came to the training? I was shocked. When I came home, I asked them what was the matter? they got scared (didn't expect the coach to say they were calling) and admitted that they were worried if I went to the pool. but I actually NEVER miss a workout without their permission. this is one of which there are many ...

Well, for example, if you didn’t look into your wife’s past, you would live happily and comfortably now, and you would not be tormented by mental anguish.
there are, after all, secrets, and there is privacy. secrecy is what we hide from each other about us. and privacy is a personal area that does not belong to a partner, these are private events in the life of each of us. when people know how to share private from common, then they are able not to hurt each other.

I also wanted to clarify ... in principle, I agree with everything that you said about privacy. but I want to ask a question. most likely you will say that an insecure person with a bunch of complexes can think about this. but the fact is that I understand that I have this bunch of complexes and I really want to cope with them! Look, if it weren't for the two cases outlined in the previous message, I most likely would not have begun to delve into Zhenya's past and did not know much about her. we would live happily and comfortably as you say. but who said that one fine moment something not very pleasant from her past life would not have surfaced, and what is especially unpleasant from someone else? I will say right away, I do not suffer from paranoia and do not see conspiracies on every corner. and how do you think I would feel in such a situation? falling from heaven is very painful. and so I at least have an idea about the past of his wife. and to some extent ready for unexpected turns. although I agree, if nothing extraordinary has happened in 8 years of marriage, why should this happen later? then another question, what's wrong if people, before starting some kind of relationship, ask each other do you want to know something about my past? in principle, I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I am ready to answer any of your questions! and if people decide that the past does not interest me, then there can be no complaints. and then, excuse me, but this way you can write off anything you like for privacy. now people live very freely both sexually and in terms of drugs, alcohol, etc. Or do you want to say that if, as an example, a girl was engaged in prostitution, and now she is on the right path and you live happily and comfortably with her, then this is her privacy and you shouldn't know about it? and then I wanted to know what kind of person my wife was. after all, it is one thing to go to bed on the very first evening of acquaintance, and another thing to meet with a person for a long time and, having learned him at least a little, to come to a sexual relationship. and no one is immune from disappointment. that's actually what I still wanted to clarify.

But who said that one fine moment something not very pleasant from her past life would not have surfaced, and what is especially unpleasant from someone else?

How do you think I would feel in such a situation? falling from heaven hurts

okay, let's pretend that something emerged from her past life from someone else. now you have fallen from heaven, and then what happened to you? how do you feel at this moment? your actions, her actions? try to bring this fantasy to an end.

If nothing extraordinary has happened in 8 years of marriage, why should this happen later?

with your suspicions, you can quite organize a situation of treason, Alexander. perhaps you value something to reproduce your fantasies, so try to do it virtually, rather than if the events unfold in real life.

Then another question, what's wrong if people, before starting some kind of relationship, ask each other do you want to know something about my past?

it is not bad at all if one partner asks the other about it. only now, if he conceals from the other that in the case of a frank story about his past, he will be tormented in response, aching in his soul, suspecting a low moral status, jealous and eliciting details, names and appearances, and so, play on the nerves of both. .. so, if he hides it, it will be, you know what.

And then, excuse me, but this way you can write off anything you like for privacy.

And now, Alexander, who are you talking to when you ask for forgiveness and at the same time accuse you of cheating anything?

Now people live very freely both sexually and in terms of drugs, alcohol, etc. Or do you want to say that if, as an example, a girl was engaged in prostitution, and now she is on the right path and you live happily and comfortably with her, then this is her privacy and you shouldn't know about it?

if you have already made your choice to conclude a marriage with such a woman and live happily and comfortably with her, then you definitely should not know about what happened before you. controlling the past and the future is a fascinating thing, of course, but absolutely unproductive. but to kill the present with such control - there is nothing to do ...

And then I wanted to know what kind of person my wife is. after all, it is one thing to go to bed on the very first evening of acquaintance, and another thing to meet with a person for a long time and, having learned him at least a little, to come to a sexual relationship. and no one is immune from disappointment. that's actually what I still wanted to clarify.

but you didn’t just find out, but insisted on truthful information. you did not believe her when she first said that she had nothing close to that person, and you began to use emotional methods of influence to knock out the truth. I can assume that your parents did this to you in order to bring you to clean water, in situations where you wanted to leave some information that did not concern them directly with you.

I notice, Alexander, that you are striving to control here too. here in communication with me, to control what I might say ... why do you need to do this now? at the same time, I'm not sure that you would take my word for it if I said that I do not have such ideas that you have already a priori addressed to me ...

Okay, let's imagine that something surfaced from her past life from someone else. now you have fallen from heaven, and then what happened to you? how do you feel at this moment? your actions, her actions? try to bring this fantasy to an end.

I feel that I was mistaken in a person ... I feel unpleasant from the feeling that she deceived me ... I will feel stupid ... but in fact I really do not want to see those who were before me. of course, if someone tells me to my face that he slept with my wife before me, and even more so throws some imprudent expression, then he will be treated in a hospital for a long time. but I'm afraid that when I see who my wife went to bed with, I will be completely disappointed in her ... if this person seems to me unpleasant both externally and in communication ... like, well, damn it, and after that I sleep with her ...

With your suspicions, you can very well organize a situation of treason, Alexander. perhaps you value something to reproduce your fantasies, so try to do it virtually, rather than if the events unfold in real life.

here I do not quite understand what you mean. (Do you think that I can somehow provoke my wife's betrayal? hmm ... well, knowing my wife, I still think this can hardly happen, although of course I don’t I can crawl into her head and read her thoughts.But, I suspect that most likely she simply can not stand it and, at best, will offer to live separately, and at worst, she will simply leave with the child, which, of course, I really do not want. But she is unlikely to meet with someone in parallel.Even with someone from the past.the fact is that I do not doubt for a moment that both on her part and on my part there have never been such strong feelings. talk about treason on my part ... I will not lie, that 2 months ago, when I began to clarify her past life and she upset me (although I understand that it is not for me to judge another person, who, moreover, I personally have nothing bad did not, but on the contrary sacrificed almost everything for the sake of our family) such an idea appeared in my head. it is out of revenge. but, thank God, I was smart enough to understand that this would not make me better, but it can easily destroy our family. I repeat once again, I actually consider my wife PERFECT, well, as far as possible, of course. she is completely devoted to her family, she is a wonderful mother. and I was convinced more than once that she is ready to sacrifice literally everything for the sake of our relationship. the fact is that I turned to you for help so that, if possible, you would help me get rid of these complexes. at the moment it turns out I have to change my worldview, which, by the way, took 34 years! morally it's very hard for me to do it. I have always believed that a decent girl can go to bed only after making sure that a man is really very dear to her and she completely trusts him. and in this case, a girl by the age of 22 is unlikely to have many sexual partners. then it turns out the following: either my wife is poorly versed in people and is too susceptible to other people's influence, or these people are very dear to her and then I am not sure that I am actually the ONLY and LOVED for her. although, according to her, she had nothing left for those people, and since she did not love anyone. then what was it? she herself cannot clearly explain. she says that she has forgotten a lot, it is unpleasant for her to remember this and she really regrets that she did not meet me at the age of 17. I really want to believe her and think that it is. and when she goes to bed with me, she does not sink into thoughts about the past, but thinks and loves only me. she says it is.

It's not bad at all if one partner asks the other about it. only now, if he conceals from the other that in the case of a frank story about his past, he will be tormented in response, aching in his soul, suspecting a low moral status, jealous and eliciting details, names and appearances, and so, play on the nerves of both. .. so, if he hides it, it will be, you know what.
in this sense, the partner has the right to know what his frankness and disclosure of his personal information may be fraught with. however, not everyone entering a relationship knows about such a psychological safety technique.
sorry your future wife didn't know.

hmm ... the thing is, I wrote above, I didn't ask this from the beginning. strange, it seemed to me that I explained what it was connected with and why I began to torment my wife so. I will say by the way that I do not enjoy hurting her at all. when a girl brings a sexually transmitted infection into a new relationship and night calls are heard in her apartment from some drunkard, I think I have the right to clarify what is happening and how it happened? especially since initially the girl does not give the impression of bl ... and. that is why I started pulling it all out in order to understand what was her motivation for when she did this? I really wanted to justify her actions in my own eyes. that's all. after all, in the end, I also came across people who betrayed me ... it's just that apparently I'm not so easy to make contact and I'm too suspicious, because I have fewer such mistakes.

And now, Alexander, who are you talking to when you ask for forgiveness and at the same time accuse you of cheating anything?

with those who are ready to cheat, whatever.

If you have already made your choice to conclude a marriage with such a woman and live happily and comfortably with her, then you definitely should not know about what came before you. controlling the past and the future is a fascinating thing, of course, but absolutely unproductive. but to kill the present with such control - there is nothing to do ...

here I completely agree with you. that's why I ask you to help get rid of these complexes, if possible. the fact is that probably if I heard from a person who enjoys great authority with me that my wife was just in search of her love and if she went to bed, she believed that she was doing the right thing (after all, you right, because she was not raised like my sister and I, and sex for her may well be an integral part of communication between two people, and not something from the category of "special", which must be approached with special care). to be honest, I just wish she would really just forget everything from her past life concerning other men. it just does not leave me the feeling that I occupy only a certain cell in her soul, but I would like to occupy the entire niche completely and push out everything else from there. true, according to her, it is. and she only has to remember when I force her to do it. on the other hand, I put myself in her place ... but I really have no feelings for anyone other than her ... not from the past, not from the present. maybe you just have to believe and that's it?

But you didn’t just find out, but insisted on truthful information. you did not believe her when she first said that she had nothing close to that person, and you began to use emotional methods of influence to knock out the truth. I can assume that your parents did this to you in order to bring you to clean water, in situations where you wanted to leave some information that did not concern them directly with you.

all right. when we started meeting we agreed: we only tell the truth in everything ... because if they lie to me at least once, and I find out, then I can't believe anymore. lie once, then another, third ... she could say - no, I can't do that, then the choice would be for me to continue the relationship or not. but she agreed. and when she said that there was nothing I believed! but the calls continued ... although she hung up, normally asked not to call anymore, I sent ... but on the other end there was a drunken, stupid animal ... and then once again I just could not stand it and said directly that it was not it happens that only the person to whom you gave can insist ... she could not resist and said yes. that's all. I didn't go every day and hammer her with this question. I told her that it turns out she lied to me and I should keep my word and leave. ((but she said that she was afraid to say, she was afraid that I would leave right away. something clicked in my head, and why should I leave a person , to whom I have good feelings and who treats me well because of some stupid drunken cattle? and I stayed ... and she realized - after all, the truth is better than lying in this situation. Was I wrong?
hmm ... oddly enough I don’t remember that some kind of psychological influence was applied to me by my parents ... rather the same: ok, we trust you. and if facts of lies appeared, they simply declared them ... it became embarrassing that they were caught in a lie ... by the way, I do the same, and do not use psychological influence.

hmm ... we have an interesting dialogue with you. but by no means I was not trying to control your possible answers. and I would like to clarify that I have no reason not to take your word for it. but if you have such an impression, I apologize. Let me ask this question if I say that I am actually trying to control many life situations in which I am directly involved, is that bad? at the same time, I never try to impose my opinion on others and am always ready to listen to someone else's point of view. and if they explain their point of view to me with arguments, it happens, and not uncommon, that I recognize my opinion as erroneous.

Most likely you will say that an insecure person with a bunch of complexes can think about this.

Then I will ask: why do you, Alexander, foresee my possible words?

I feel that I was mistaken in a person ... I feel unpleasant from the feeling that she deceived me ... I will feel stupid ... but in fact I really do not want to see those who came before me. of course, if someone tells me to my face that he slept with my wife before me, and even more so throws some imprudent expression, then he will be treated in a hospital for a long time. but I'm afraid that when I see who my wife went to bed with, I will be completely disappointed in her ... if this is a person for me seem unpleasant both externally and in communication.... like, well, damn it, and after that I sleep with her ...

and if, on the contrary, he seems to you pleasant outwardly and in communication, and in general, turns out to be a worthy, respected, all-recognized positive hero, authoritative and deserved, and also extremely sympathetic to you, then how will you react to that situation, to your wife? try to honestly imagine this option ...

The feeling that I occupy only a certain cell in her soul, but I would like to occupy the entire niche completely and displace everything else from there.

and this feeling was definitely not born in these relations for the first time, Alexander. but much, much earlier. with the very first close beloved woman in your life ...
with the most first.

Then I will ask: why do you, Alexander, foresee my possible words?
this is not a reproach clothed in a question, it is precisely a question for thinking, listening to oneself. I am definitely not reproaching you, I am not upset by your supposed mistrust. my question is "what for?" means "what does it serve?"
and this question is not idle, not for arguing, but for the information that you told about yourself, your request.

hmm ... most likely in order to understand the train of your thoughts, to "read" you. to feel "power" over you. understand how you act in a given situation in order to completely eliminate some kind of catch on your part. understand where you are telling the truth and where you are dissembling. Apparently in life, I, purely hypothetically, do not exclude a blow in the back even from the closest person and therefore I try to predict the course of events ... so that later I do not cry, lamenting "Well, how is it? I believed you so ..."

And if, on the contrary, he seems to you pleasant outwardly and in communication, and in general, turns out to be a worthy, respected, all-recognized positive hero, authoritative and deserved, and also extremely sympathetic to you, then how will you react to that situation, to your wife? try to honestly imagine this option ...

Well, there will definitely not be any hostility. well it was and it was. worthy man. something didn't work out, but these are their questions. at least my wife has taste and dignity. and I am happy that she is with me now, and not with him. perhaps, somewhere in the depths a thought flashes, which means I am probably no worse than now she is with me, and not with him. the only thing that would upset me a little if my wife was at that moment next and I felt or noticed that she regrets breaking up with him. but this, most likely, would only serve as a signal for me that it means I need to work more on myself. get even better.

And this feeling was definitely not born in these relations for the first time, Alexander. but much, much earlier. with the very first close beloved woman in your life ...
with the most first.

does this mean from MOTHER? Or I did not quite understand correctly with the very first one?

I thought it over and decided to ask this question. Couldn't the clue to my dissatisfaction with my wife's past be in the following nuances? 1. when I first met her I, maybe subconsciously, created for myself the image of a modest and chaste girl. and for some reason decided that on this basis she could not have had more than one close man before me (remember, I knew this fact even before we met her). and when I found out that there were 3 more, something like "poisoning" happened to me with so many facts for which I was simply not ready. and to this day I cannot combine these two images into one. that she was and remains a normal modern girl, for whom there is nothing unnatural in the fact that she met, met, had sex, then the relationship ended and she broke up. all this has been for a long time. and there is nothing vile and dirty in this. 2. Or maybe it's just envy of me on my part? due to the fact that when I, in search of the ideal of a woman, rejected girls who were not innocent, she was not afraid to build adult relationships with men, she was not afraid to make mistakes. and I just "didn’t walk"? maybe it's a resentment that she had it all, and I deprived myself of it?

I thought it over and decided to ask this question. Couldn't the clue to my dissatisfaction with my wife's past be in the following nuances? 1. when I first met her I, maybe subconsciously, created for myself the image of a modest and chaste girl. and for some reason decided that on this basis she could not have more than one close man before me

yes, you could well have seen not the girl herself, but your fantasy about her.

Or maybe it's just envy of me on my part? due to the fact that when I, in search of the ideal of a woman, rejected girls who were not innocent, she was not afraid to build adult relationships with men, she was not afraid to make mistakes. and I just "didn’t walk"? maybe it's a resentment that she had it all, and I deprived myself of it?

and you did not deprive yourself of this, if you think about it and remember the history of the origin of your prohibitions ... and then the offense can be addressed not only to her.

I see that you received help in one more topic during my absence, is it important for you then something else here, Alexander?

well actually yes. I would like to continue our communication. After all, in that section I heard the attitude of women themselves to this issue and this undoubtedly explains to me some of the nuances of the wife's attitude to her past and to me, in particular. but it doesn't help me to get rid of my complexes at all. (

Yes, you could well have seen not the girl herself, but your fantasy about her.

and it seems that I continue to see this fantasy. Is it possible to solve it somehow?

And you did not deprive yourself of this, if you think about it and remember the history of the origin of your prohibitions ... and then the offense can be addressed not only to her.

You may be right, but I do not feel resentment towards my parents. I'm even more offended by myself! (I've lost so many interesting things in my life.

look: above you said

Worthy man. something didn't work out, but these are their questions. at least my wife has taste and dignity. and I am happy that she is with me now, and not with him. perhaps, somewhere in the depths a thought flashes, which means I am probably no worse than now she is with me, and not with him. the only thing that would upset me a little if my wife was at that moment next and I felt or noticed that she regrets breaking up with him. but that would most likely only serve as a signal to me what it means you need to work more on yourself. get even better.

There is an idea to become even better, to work on yourself, as if you do not suit yourself the way you are now. and in a girl it is also important for you to see not her herself, but an ideal. but it is interesting then, in which "chamber of weights and measures" is the standard, which should be met? and then who, comparing you with this standard, will find you good enough to accept or love you, _the best_?

You may be right, but I do not feel resentment towards my parents. I'm even more offended by myself! (I've lost so many interesting things in my life.

when you say, “I take offense at myself,” I represent two parts of you, one of which is offended, and the other one that is offended. and it’s as if they were having some kind of dialogue, or an unfinished dispute, or some other communication going on.
can you try to expand this dialogue here, Alexander? here the offended part says: "How many interesting things in my life have I lost because of you!" and the other, what does she feel in response to these words and what does she answer?

Last edited by Azbuka; 06/25/2012 at 17:28.

See: above you said

Perhaps you mean it?

That she was and remains a normal modern girl, for whom there is nothing unnatural in the fact that she met, met, had sex, then the relationship ended and she broke up. all this has been for a long time. and there is nothing vile and dirty in this.

There is an idea to become even better, to work on yourself, as if you do not suit yourself the way you are now. and in a girl it is also important for you to see not her herself, but an ideal. but it is interesting then, in which "chamber of weights and measures" is the standard, which should be met? and then who, comparing you with this standard, will find you good enough to accept or love you, _the best_?
Do you find that you are dependent on others to evaluate your choices and reactions?

Yes you are right! no matter how I tried to convince myself that I do not care about the opinions of others, but this is a lie. (I do not care. I want to be admired, proud, praised, set as an example. and despite the fact that my wife says - I love you as you are. I want to become even better. and, by the way, in her attitude is the same. I want her to devote more time to herself, her appearance, education.

When you say, “I take offense at myself,” I represent two parts of you, one of which is offended, and the other one that is offended. and it’s as if they were having some kind of dialogue, or an unfinished dispute, or some other communication going on.
can you try to expand this dialogue here, Alexander? here the offended part says: "How many interesting things in my life have I lost because of you!" and the other, what does she feel in response to these words and what does she answer?

still a little nuance, uv. ABC. (or maybe not small, you know better). in principle, for the sake of my son, I can shove my moral and moral disagreements deep into myself ... and calmly, as before, communicate with her, raise my son, do some kind of joint business ... except for one thing! (I cannot lie with her to bed, if it’s in my head that it was still 4 before me. For some reason, I have a feeling that it was not 10-13 years ago, but just now ... ((and as if I was invited : will you be the fifth, after us? ... in principle, can this be somehow solved, except for a divorce? or is that all, amba, have I already given myself such an installation and nothing can be changed?

Yes you are right! no matter how I tried to convince myself that I do not care about the opinions of others, but this is a lie. (I do not care. I want to be admired, proud, praised, set as an example. and despite the fact that my wife says - I love you as you are. I want to become even better. and, by the way, in the attitude to her is the same. I want her to devote more time to herself, her appearance, education. this is bad?

you know, Alexander, the notions "good / bad", they are from the arsenal of child-parent interaction. "the little son came to his father and asked the little one: what is good and what is bad?"
in adults it is more likely something else ... the world is no longer divided into such extreme assessments of someone's expectations.
As an adult, you can tell your wife that you need her admiration, pride, praise, and that she set you up as an example. and if she is not a stranger to expressing her admiration and praise to you, she will do it for you until you are satisfied and satisfied. if, after all, you are not saturated with the admiration of your wife, then this desire of yours is not entirely directed towards her, and she has nothing to do with it at all.
look for someone whose admiration and approval you have not gained in life. with him and sort out the relationship.

You can also express your wishes to your wife regarding her appearance, education, taking time for herself, etc. and if this idea suits her, she can accept your desire and follow it with pleasure. but it may not accept, and not follow.

In the adult world - so.

Look for someone whose admiration and approval you have not gained in life. with him and sort out the relationship.

here you are right. and I even know who it is. it's all my dad again! in my childhood and adolescence, I have been swimming for 10 years. So, no matter how I swam (if only not the first, and this was extremely rare), then looking with my eyes on the platform of my father, I hoped to see support in his eyes. instead, I usually saw either poorly disguised disappointment or outright contempt: a weakling. then I got older and just stopped paying attention to his reaction. I just didn't care. then I began to go with his friends to play football and the same thing is there: friends praise me (maybe not very relevant, but still nice), and from him again only assurances that I am nobody in football. the same thing awaited my younger sister (she plays handball professionally). She also complained to me that when she was younger, he always climbed to evaluate her game especially without understanding it. now, when we tell him about this, he replies that who, like a father, will point us to the shortcomings. and we tell him that we have always expected from him just elementary SUPPORT! offended ... most likely understands that we are right ... by the way, the wife in this regard is an absolutely normal person. You don't need to ask her for anything, she knows when to praise and when to scold. and, as a rule, everything is objective.

I would still like you to pay attention to this particular dialogue:

let's try...
- how much I have lost in my life because of you!
- Well, why is it because of me? after all, many things (bad / good) we were taught at school, parents, close relatives, the same TV, books ...
-that's right, and like a dumb ram I blindly followed all these instructions, believing that they were absolutely correct. and could not even think that everything in life could be different. and it won't be WRONG at all! it will just be DIFFERENT! I was afraid to do something that would cause others (especially parents) to consider me not bad, no, but simply not right or something ... and you could help me, suggest what to do. but you just once again reminded about all these stupid rules, moral norms, idiotic moral principles ... and now we are sitting in full ... e and regret the lost time. about some, of their own free will, interrupted, in fact, did not even have time to start, relationships with girls. which, in principle, would most likely end with nothing, but it would be a huge EXPERIENCE. about some small pranks that would make us have fun, but it might spoil the impression of us a little ... well, don't care ... but so ... what we had in childhood, adolescence, youth ? sports, school, college, again sports, work ... thank God, now we have a family.
- Well, what have I got to do with it? Well, I didn't push ... but you yourself made such decisions, guided by some rules, opinions, judgments .... your problems. it was necessary to show courage and overstep these norms, if only out of curiosity.
- right ... unfortunately, everything is right ... only it is my own fault that I missed these opportunities, fearing to seem WRONG. afraid to upset their parents ... in the end, after all, the rules exist to break them!))
-that's it. and now you sit and spread rot on yourself. and what is even worse, you dare to condemn your wife, who was not afraid to learn life herself, acting as she saw fit. even though learning from their own mistakes. and you remained a dreamer and a dreamer who created for yourself some kind of fantastic ideal world and think that there is simply no other. and you can’t or don’t want, because of your natural obstinacy, to accept the world as it is in reality!
- there is nothing to object, unfortunately ... (((

Well, something like this...

How do you determine this figure? how do you know that for 22 years a lot? and for what age is four not a lot, but just right?

hmm ... here is the answer to this question, most likely it will be the key to our relationship with my wife ... I hope in any case ... I'll try to reason. here, in principle, several criteria, for me personally. Well, firstly, subjectively for me, a serious relationship for a decent woman should last, let's say, like a wife has with her first boyfriend: about a year / a half of communication in order to get to know the person, and then, if I'm sure of him, probably sex. .. well, then it is clear that after some time the feelings may fade away ... unfortunately, she did not have such a long "pre-bed" relationship with everyone, which probably could lead to a quick break - she just did not understand, what goals the person actually pursues ... I understand that it is naive, but here I am just offended for my wife or something ... (well, then, it looks like a somewhat consumerist attitude towards sex ... although I was already noticed on the forum I'm old-fashioned.Maybe ... but somehow it's not very pleasant to realize that your wife at such a young age already belonged to four men! (((Well, if you count, then from 17 to 22 years old, well, a maximum of 3 people could be ... secondly, let's say from my personal experience of feeling with friends and acquaintances a girl I made my conclusions ... I understand that this is absolutely not an objective criterion, but nevertheless ... examples: a girl of 25 years old, married. before her husband there was only one man. (the story is genuine, because we have warm friendly relations with this girl. NO MORE). a friend (naturally, I don’t talk about my personal life! but there is a friend who loves to share such things ... I don’t know why) wives, they met at the age of 20, there were only two men before him ... my sister has been dating since the age of 18 with a young man. now she is 26. I have never seen anyone else next to her. just once - a sport. Well, again at the institute, when we found out that the girl had several partners (and this, unfortunately, quickly pops up ... and men and women like to chat) we called such a "bastard" ... the stereotype, unfortunately, remained. .. and no one worried that it could be just a clean, but unfortunately, not well-developed relationship. yes, one more friend ... also in passing once in a conversation said that he was the third man of his wife. the girl was 25 years old ... well, something like that ...
Handsome man,
My mother has a terribly low self-esteem, she got married as a virgin, now she constantly nags everyone with guilt, sometimes I consider her a crazy paranoid. doesn't trust anyone. pronounced accentuations: anxiety, epileptoidy, paranoia (in descending order). gave me such delirium that at the age of 18 I was afraid to get on the bus. I thought who would think of me. as a child at school I was bullied by my peers.
my mother instilled in me that she was a saint, but I believed. as a child, at the age of 8, she told me that if I am not "good", then everyone will leave me and I will be left alone. even earlier (5-6 years old?) I saw her having sex with her father. she moaned, and I thought he was killing her. they saw me, turned on the light. talked, in fact they did not say anything only that no one kills anyone and that's it. then they began to close the door, but I knew what was happening there and was afraid for my mother.
up to 8 years old I could stand up for myself, I was a confident boy with a lot of friends, I was interested in girls. after 8 years. became a complete bummer, who was made fun of by his classmates. this was for several years, until the 9th grade, when the composition was not shaken up. and my parents left me alone for months, and they themselves left to solve local issues in another city.

At the age of 18, I was an absolutely dependent, notorious boy. I was also sent to study in another city where I lived without my parents.

This helped. I got rid of their influence, learned from other people, became self-confident. fully socially adapted. there were minor problems, but overall, everything was fine.
Another plus, I was outwardly cute and attractive. the attention of girls has never been deprived. in any society, sooner or later, he began to notice flirting and interest in himself. and even today, in this regard, I am absolutely sure of myself.

On the 1st-4th year I wanted a wife as "holy" as my mother.
up to the 5th course. I did not meet with anyone, because I believed that if I met, I would have to marry. there is a huge quirk on the topic of relationships since childhood. my mother is a little "that" on this topic, I wrote above.

Until the 5th year, I avoided public relations, but welcomed one-off and implicit (at least their beginning).
I considered myself to be "unpalatable" even though I enjoyed the attention of the girls. at the disco at one time was unofficially considered the "first guy". I felt well the psychology of the girls, but it rarely came to sex and not with them. as a rule, everything was limited to flirting and kissing. I met with some 5 times (1-2 weeks). Sumarno then there were about 5 girls. then 5 more prostitutes. about. you can’t remember all of them. another 10-15 pieces were limited to hugs-kisses. with two more, I simply fell asleep in bed, having previously laid them down and took off their panties. right during the process. as I was drunk after a disco. here is about the same experience. I don’t know whether it’s a lot or a little, but I always considered myself to be on the go. I thought I had missed something important in my life. only recently realized that it seemed that the level of extreme was not so small. it didn’t come to lewd gruppovuh, as was the case with friends. but although there was something close to that.

In general, until the 5th year, I talked only with girls of easy virtue and those who themselves went to bed.
he himself PRESIRED, but WANTED. went to all the discos. he was afraid to communicate with girls, but overcame his fear. made acquaintance and walked forward step by step, studying them.

Now about my wife.
we are familiar with the 5th year of the university, we met at the disco. a relationship ensued.
I've known my wife for 10 years. They have been officially married for 5 years. married, happy, 2 children. I make good money. financially secure. like everything is ok. like no one walked and did not go to the side.

I knew that I was not the first with her, but somehow it didn’t matter. I forgot, I got used to it. there were other problems. she had 2 before me, while I served in the army "technically" parted for 2-3 months. at this time she had another boyfriend, then they were together again.
sex doesn't seem to matter to her
but I feel that I have been and am by far the most passionate and quality lover.
about the guy she had when I was in the army. though technically not my problem. I also use the method of psychological pressure for 3 days, bringing to stress, I pulled out of her absolutely all the silence. he was no lover, and perhaps even a virgin. they had 2 times. once he finished on her when she spread her legs. the second time - like everything went ok. but it lasted 1 minute and she felt nothing.
every time I gave her an orgasm with my fingers. Well, in general, in bed he behaved like a passionate male, not bothering himself with anything. and women like it. well, plus the advantage of a more or less decent size. he measured it with a ruler, and the prostitute gave an assessment. maybe she lied, of course. but I tend to believe.
so the relationship to this comrade is mixed. before that, she didn't seem to have anything serious either. dated one for 2-3 months. before that with some DJ lost her virginity. that's all.

And I knew it all. all 10 years.

It's all past. those themes remained there. I got used to the fact that I didn’t walk. but made the decision to marry because he was in love. there were several difficult years. now everything seems to be ok.
3 months ago, I went on vacation. came cheerful and energetic, decided to cheer up our relationship emotionally.
then accidentally asked her if they had done a blow job to someone else. she said yes. and since then my head has blown off.

I'm pretty single-minded, sometimes obsessed with them.
For the last 2 weeks I have been doing meditation and self-examination. researched his cognitive dissonance, drinking and sleeping for 4 hours every day.

I meditated, putting in her place. tried to imagine himself as a person walking through her life.
on one occasion I found myself disgusted with the thought that she was taken, had, fucked by others.
but on the other hand, I realized that I really love her. that I even like that she had someone else before me. that he took her and enjoyed her body. I like that she is a woman. and it turns me on.

There were fantasies about the third, I talked to her. I read her stories about how her husband invites another, and he leaves. and then the wife has passionate sex with this lover.
to a direct question whether she wants such a lover, she refused. and added that the husband from history is a fool, and his wife fell in love with her lover. that's why they have passionate sex.
then I realized that I did not want any third. I just want to see my wife sexy and passionate in bed. so she is beautiful enough for me. well, definitely pretty.
that this is how my sexuality is realized through the stump. I also overestimated my experience and decided that I had apparently walked up completely. there were enough passionate kisses, cuddles, breasts touched large and small and even silicone. etc.
that all this gave me nothing. and I was looking for the passion that I can get with my wife. which I love at the same time.

The only thing that remains is sometimes I catch myself in a contradiction about her previous boyfriends.
maybe you can tell me what to do so that it doesn't seem disgusting to me. what she took in her mouth, that three more had it. if I start thinking in the style of a topic starter, then I begin to lose control over negative emotions. I don’t want to. as an anti-drug, I start to think that this is good, that it turns me on. but this is a bad option. because it's a swing. then one way, then the other. it is energy consuming. but how to accept the situation and not think about it at all?

I read the topic and thought that the root of these problems. I and Topikstarter - in a sense of guilt / sinfulness felt from childhood. for being sexy myself. for the fact that I had sex, which he himself did not allow himself.
that is, he did it because he wanted to, but then he condemned himself. and considered himself dirty. maybe this is the case?
Topikstarter, after all, also wrote so evasively about his previous experience that he went against raising his father.
but in my subconscious the thought works that it was all bad, that my mother was a virgin, etc.

And that I am dirty and guilty. although I did not rape anyone. all the girls went voluntarily. he also refused many relationships. (well this is a self-justification)

Maybe you know better from the outside? what do you think?