Youth and beauty 

Relationship between mother and child. "Correct" parental love. Symbiotic aspects of the relationship between mother and child

What conditions of upbringing contribute to the formation of a psychologically healthy personality? In this article, I invite you to explore the nuances of the mother-child relationship during infancy. It may seem that at this age the child is still small and does not understand anything, so he cannot get any psychological trauma. But, as the recent studies of psychoanalysts show, it was during this period that the foundations of the relationship to the world, to oneself, to others were laid. That is, will he trust the world, himself; whether he will be able to rely on himself and others in this world; whether closed, cold, detached or open, outgoing and disposed to build warm, friendly relationships.

What is the main thing during this period for the upbringing of a self-confident, courageous, decisive, active child who knows how to rely on himself and make the right decisions for himself? I am sure that more and less sane mothers are making a lot of efforts to give their child everything possible and impossible, but, alas, mistakes often happen not from lack of effort, but from ignorance.

The growing up of a child occurs as a result of natural growth and development on the basis of correct parental love. Much depends on how and what kind of relationship develops between the mother and the child from birth, from the first days of the child's life. In his first year of life, a child is helpless, fully relies on parental care, his survival and development depends on how well adults take care of him.

In infancy, parental love has a sensory element and is expressed in physical care with body contact and care. The main task of the mother during this period is to open her sensitivity towards the needs of the child. To maintain such a close emotional and psychological connection with him so that he can correctly guess the state and needs of the child and predict the best ways to satisfy these needs. In psychotherapy, this is called empathic feeling.

A close physical, emotional, sensory connection is deeply necessary for a child during this period, it is a life-giving force for his survival and development. Thanks to this connection, through contact with the mother, the child begins to feel and understand himself, his body. Indifference of adults during this period is the most dangerous enemy for a child, it threatens with a stop in development, sometimes even a stop in life. Even an insufficiently attentive mother, a somewhat unsatisfactory, frustrating relationship with the mother for the child is still better than their absence.

The main communication, the main dialogue between the mother and the child during this period is built through touch, care, the mother's voice, his intonation. In all this, the child feels the mother's attitude towards him, her love, tenderness, care, as well as irritation, fatigue, sadness, dissatisfaction and other emotions. So he learns the world, gets to know his mother and himself, feels the mother's attitude towards him, begins to understand, feel about the relationship in the family system, into which he gradually begins to fit in or not to fit.

The child feels the mother's attitude towards himself, absorbs it into himself. The more attentive and caring the mother is to the child at this time, the better the child will relate to himself and, as a result, to others. But care and attention should be adequate to the needs of the child, that is, no more and no less than the child needs at every stage of his growing up.

Overprotection and hyperstimulation of the child by the mother, that is, when the mother gives more custody and care than he can withstand than he needs, can lead to an apathetic, alienated and closed character of the child. In a relationship with such a mother, the only way to maintain a comfortable distance for yourself is to hide within yourself. The inner world of the child becomes his refuge from the intensity, obsession and unpleasant encounters with a stronger adult. This is how a closed, closed character is formed.

If the mother's care during infancy was adequate, then the child develops a sense of security, a basic trust in the world. This means that, having already become an adult, he will trust himself more, the world around him, which means that it is easier to adapt in relationships with other people and in various life circumstances. People who have received "correct" parental love "live in this world easily, like a fish in water. As Freud once remarked, "A child who feels the unconditional love of his mother will feel invincible."

Only a mother capable of "primary maternal concern" and "identification with her baby" gives a healthy start to the development of his personality. Moreover, its effect is so real that the personality of the child will be strong or weak to the extent that the support of the infant's mother is strong or weak. According to this point of view, the human personality is brought up directly in personal "object connections" as the starting point of all human life.

A very close connection at the beginning of a relationship, where the mother is simply fixated on the relationship with the child, gradually weakens and her interest in another aspect of life and in other relationships appears, frees up and awakens.

As the child grows up, the mother's intense emotional, psychological, bodily involvement will decrease to smaller proportions. She will fulfill her task of giving the child an elementary sense of security. Later, during the latency period and the period of adolescence, the parents provide the child with support and encouragement to think, feel and act independently, to explore, experiment, take risks, use and develop their own capabilities, and they help him to “be himself”. This ultimately leads to the replacement of early erotic bonds, which are conditioned by the child's dependence and the support of the adult, with mature relationships of mutual respect, equality and friendly affection.

Parental love changes into a non-erotic, non-possessive, non-dominant attachment that supports the child in his or her development as a separate and independent person.

Then, the matured child will be able to transfer his erotic response to another, and, without anxiety or guilt, enter into an erotic relationship with a partner outside the family circle. And also to form other important personal ties in which a genuine meeting of kindred souls takes place without an erotic element. He becomes able to further develop an active and spontaneous personality, free from inhibitory fears.

I want to close this article with the words of my favorite Jungian analyst, James Halls. “The task of the parent is to obligatory support and mitigate the existential stress of separation, which we call birth, and then during the gradual abandonment of the child, which occurs in several stages. The child must endure this process in order to leave the parental home at the appropriate time, already practically becoming an adult. "

Psychological symbiosis with the mother is an emotional and semantic unity that serves as the starting point for the further development of the child's consciousness and personality.

The emergence of psychological symbiosis is due to the physiological community of the mother and fetus in prenatal development. The development of psychological symbiosis is facilitated by the revitalization complex that appears at the turn of the first and second months of a child's life, strengthening the emotional connection between the mother and the baby.

A child is born mentally and physically undeveloped, completely helpless. He does not know anything about the world he has entered, and about the rules of behavior in it. Therefore, for a long time, his mother is his eyes and hands. Mom satisfies all his needs, physical and mental, while mom shows how they behave in this world, what is allowed and what is not.

Mom has been an extension of the child's self for a long time. This sequel helps him survive, but his mother is also a representative of the new world into which the baby fell. Mom is a mirror of this world. Building relationships with mom, the child also builds relationships with the whole world.

In the first months of a baby's life, he is with his mother in a psychological symbiotic relationship. At this time, the child does not separate himself from his mother, he perceives himself as two-fold creature, mother - this is also him. Therefore, the baby is unusually sensitive to the internal states of the mother, he literally "reads" her mood and direction of thoughts.

If the mother is under stress for a long time, is sick, irritable or aggressive, the child may even begin to physically feel unwell, not to mention that the negative state of the mother will increase his anxiety.

The peculiarities of relationships in a mom-baby couple entail the following important points.

1. Practice shows that a very small child in his behavior always reproduces mom's expectations. If a mother is calm and confident that her baby will be calm, he really turns out to be balanced.

If a baby, for example, is naughty before going to bed, “requires” a complex ritual of laying down in the form of intense motion sickness or carrying it on the hands in a column, this is, in fact, not the baby “prefers” - it is he who reproduces mother's expectations.

A baby in the first months of life is only able to feel general emotions - good or bad. He has no preferences, no special desires - they cannot yet be, because he does not yet know anything about the world or about himself.

How are they formed "requirements" from the mother to do something in a certain way, which supposedly come from the baby? The algorithm is simple. Most mothers, finding themselves with a newborn in their arms, are at a loss, not knowing how to properly care for a child. For example, many mothers of first-born children do not know how to put their baby to bed in accordance with his innate needs. They are insecure, nervous, make mistakes in care, leading to the crying of the baby.

Together with the mother, the child begins to get nervous, he "reads" her condition. As a result, he becomes even more anxious before going to bed, expecting from her the right actions, which she does not suspect. Mom, using the “poke” method and on the advice of others, begins to try different options for calming or “lulling” the child, and one of the options works. Not because it is the only correct one and corresponding to the genetic expectations of the baby, but because at a certain moment it caused positive emotions in the baby.

And this is where the formation of the ritual begins. Mom begins to reproduce this option from time to time, reinforcing the child's habit to fit in or calm down the only way, and not otherwise. After that, the mother says: “my child falls asleep ONLY when rocking on the ball”, “… when wearing it in a column”, “… only with a pacifier”, “… only with dad”, “… only in a stroller on the street”. And this is not untrue. The baby really falls asleep calmly the only way, he has a habit developed by his mother herself. And mom is forced to always support this ritual. But it is not the child himself who prefers this way, and nothing else.

It is not the child himself who prefers to take only one, "favorite" breast, to apply to the breast in a certain position, or not to apply at all before going to bed. This is the result of my mother's actions. And since this is the result of mother's actions, it means that the mother is quite capable of starting the reverse process, breaking the habit and arriving at a method that meets the initial needs of the baby.

The destruction of the habit does not occur immediately, and may at first meet with resistance from the child: this disturbs his calmness, since it violates the already familiar picture of the mother's behavior. But you should not be afraid to change the situation - after all, the mother is moving towards the natural expectations of the baby, which she at first unknowingly dulled in the child. And what is planned by nature itself is always simple and requires minimal effort from the mother. To put the baby to bed, she just needs to attach it to her breast. To any, according to her choice, and in any position (of course, comfortable for the baby), according to her choice.

So, the child always behaves as expected of him. Mother... Waiting for it can be conscious or unconscious. If she expects that the already grown baby will cry again and ask for her arms right after she lowered him to the floor - he will do it.

What conclusion can be drawn from all that has been said?

First, the calmness, firmness, consistency and positive thinking of the mother is a condition for the child's faith in the benevolence and clarity of the world into which he found himself. And this is already a guarantee of the balance and health of the baby's psyche.

Secondly, the basis of the desired behavior on the part of the child is the mother's attitude. If the mother is sure that she is doing everything correctly, that she only needs to do it this way, if she is consistent and calm, sooner or later, the child will begin to react as the mother needs. The main thing is patience. Of course, the mother will not harm the child and will be able to be completely confident in her actions only if these actions do not run counter to the psycho-age characteristics of the baby. Often mothers, being unsure of what they are doing in relation to the baby, begin to shift their worries and fears onto him.

It is very common for mothers who have practiced ubiquitous “pediatric” care for some time to feel that the baby will be much better if natural care is provided for him, but when they began to implement it, they stumbled upon the child's resistance.

For example, a child cannot fall asleep next to his mother at night, he is uncomfortable (“cramped,” “hot,” and other explanations, which are an automatic transfer of sensations that an adult can experience in a similar situation to a baby). Or the child does not want to sit in his arms facing his mother. Or the child does not want to breastfeed for sleep. Or the child does not want to sit in any ergonomic carrier. Etc.

Does this mean that this particular child is developing somehow in a special way, contrary to the laws of mental and physical development of an infant? Of course not. This only means two things. Firstly, during the previous care the child has already developed certain habits and expectations of her certain actions in a given situation. And she suddenly begins to act in a different way, breaking the established ideas of the baby. Even if the old was bad, the new is still scary at first. Therefore, it is not immediately possible for a baby of several months old, for example, to start applying it to the breast before going to bed (especially after a dummy!) Or planting it out.

In addition, babies who have not spent so much time in their mother's arms since birth (slept in a crib, walked in a stroller) have a dull need for body contact. To some extent, they were internally estranged from their mother. (A tough but illustrative example: children from the baby's house cannot sleep next to another person at all, some do not like being in their arms very much). Therefore, babies need time to get used to their mother's hugs.

Secondly, it is the mother's lack of confidence in the correctness of her actions, her suspicions that the chosen care is harmful to the child (for example, that she can crush the baby while sleeping together, "accustom" him to the arms, or that long feeding will make the child addicted, or that ergonomic carrying badly affects the spine) - this insecurity is transmitted to the child, and he protests in response to new care.

There can be only one recommendation here: to study in detail this or that element of natural child care, consider the experience of other mothers, find statistics, read the results of scientific research. In this case, the mother will either reject, for some reason, a specific element of care, or will completely accept it, understanding why the child needs it.

2.The specificity of the relationship between mother and baby is such that the “main”, “leading”, “knowing how to do it” in this pair is the mother, not the baby. A kid comes into this world absolutely helpless, dependent on an adult and knowing nothing about the order in this world. He expects from his mother that she will define him, she will show what is possible and what is not. Mom for a very long time (up to a year - for sure), decides for the child what to do, and how. And the child already follows her and learns what she shows him. If mom is good, then the child is good.

In modern civilized society, the opposite situation has developed. The child is the center of attention, and the whole family revolves around him. He is in charge. Parents adjust their life to it, mom sometimes leaves work for three or even seven years in order to entertain and develop the child. Adults cease to belong to themselves. Mom for four hours a day, regardless of the weather, walks with a stroller, and a little later, specially for a long time she plays with the child in "developing" games.

Now it is fashionable to believe that the correct upbringing is to condone the child in his whims and fulfill all his desires. This situation arose due to the loss of the tradition of raising children and due to ignorance of the psycho-age characteristics of the child. Due to ignorance of the psychology of the baby, firstly, the cult of freedom and independence of the individual, which exists in the world of adults, is automatically transferred to the baby.

Secondly, the mother, due to uncertainty and ignorance of how to properly handle the baby, tries to follow the child and satisfy his “preferences”. Again, this happens because she does not know the peculiarities of her child's age, does not know his real needs, does not know how to properly care for him - she is even a little afraid of him, so she involuntarily becomes in an ingratiating, conniving position.

Mom is waiting for the child to decide and show her how to eat, sleep, how much to walk, how to swim, and so on. And she, using the "typing" method, offers him a choice of different ways, expecting which one he likes. But a child under one year old does not have his own preferences - only those that the mother unconsciously developed herself. The child expects that his mother, and not he - his mother, will show everything, everything, everything about this world and about himself. And if this does not happen, he gets lost, gets nervous, becomes anxious, whiny, demanding "scandals" to show him the rules of life.

Mom is strong, confident, somewhere very hard, and somewhere soft and infinitely tender, mom leads the child through this new life for him. She is in the center. She does not radically change her lifestyle for the sake of the baby, she does not break away from her studies for a long time in order to entertain and "aunt" the baby.

While creating the mother and the child, nature did not expect that the mother would abandon her usual life in order to reproduce that complex, artificial, time-consuming and energy-intensive way of caring for an infant, which is now widespread everywhere.

If it were so, no one would have survived as a result, neither the mother nor the baby. After all, mom needs to work in order to eat and live. And since nature did not expect, it means that the baby does not expect this either.

In order to develop harmoniously and fully, he does not need either aimless long walks in dubious clean air, or endless trips to the clinic, or the laborious creation of a sterile cap around him, or lengthy hygiene procedures, or constant entertainment and special development during wakefulness.

Harmonious care by nature is unpretentious and takes a minimum of time and effort from the mother. The care that awaits the nature of the baby assumes that the mother does not revolve around the child, but the child is with the mother. As my mother decided - so it will be.

At first glance, it is paradoxical, but only in this case the baby is calm, satisfied and feels the reliability of the mother and the world. Mom shows the child how to behave at the breast, how to "ride" in an ergonomic carrier, how to go to bed. And she does not accept the behavior of the baby, which has become entrenched as a result of her confusion and lack of initiative.

And for this she must know the rules of leaving. The authority of the mother for the child must be indisputable. This is the key to success in raising an already grown baby. If a mother is inconsistent in her actions, unsure, if she is told how to take care of the child in front of her baby, and the correctness of her behavior is disputed, then she should not be surprised afterwards why the child “does not listen to her” and “throws her tantrums”.

With the correct position of the mother, she will never have problems with the fact that the child goes to bed only in a certain way, prefers a certain breast or a certain position during feeding, "bites", and later does not want to get off her hands and only eats a certain food, and so on, and so forth. The child clearly knows the boundaries of what is permitted, the norms and rules of behavior.

Here it is necessary to clarify that the described distribution of roles in the “mother-child” pair is in no way equal to despotism, mother's egoism and infringement of the child's desires. Knowing the psycho-age characteristics of the baby and his needs, the mother always acts with them in mind.

This knowledge helps, on the one hand, to quickly, sensitively and fully respond to the "requests" of the baby, and on the other hand, to maintain the usual way of life and not unnecessarily sacrifice oneself.

after all the genetically inherent needs of the baby are satisfied, mother's preferences and interests always come first . For example, if a baby has done his natural needs, is fed and dressed for the weather, the mother puts him in an ergonomic carrier in the correct position and boldly goes where she needs and as much as she needs.

If in the course of this "trip" the child wants to sleep, he will signal it to her. Mom will give him a breast to sleep, and she herself will calmly continue to do what she did before.

The knowledge that absolutely all the needs of her child are met will protect her from unnecessary torment about the fact that the child is sleeping out of his bed, "on level", in peace and quiet, about the fact that he can do something on the street. then "get infected", or about the fact that he is bored, uncomfortable and needs to be entertained.

If the child in the carrier makes a "scandal", then the mother understands that this is not because it is her child who "does not like" the ergonomic carrier, but because she herself was somewhat inconsistent, teaching the baby to this form of travel. As soon as she changes her mood and gains confidence in the correctness of her actions, after a while the child will stop making "scandals".

The described distribution of roles also does not mean that the mother goes about her business, not at all entertaining the child and not being affectionate with him. Of course, the child should bathe in mother's love and affection. But the mother plays with the child and caresses him mainly in parallel with her main activity. Natural care of the baby allows it.

And one more important point. The correct and consistently sustained position of the mother contributes to the formation of an independent, independent personality in the future, who knows how to deeply empathize.

If from the birth of a child the whole life in the family “revolves” around him, he will continue to consider himself the “navel of the earth”, putting his desires and whims in the first place and not being able to cope with problems on his own.

Introduction

I. Theoretical part

1. Features of mental development at an early age

2. Sensory abilities of the fetus

3. Mental development of the child during the neonatal period

4. Mental development of a child from 1 to 3 years

5. The child's attachment to the mother

6. The role of the mother in the child's life

7. Violation of the relationship between mother and child

II. Practical part

1. Method "Color sociometry"

2. Children's apperception test (DAT)

3. Questionnaire for researching the peculiarities of the emotional side of parent-child interaction

III. Conclusion

IV. Bibliography

V. Appendix


Introduction

A special role in the development of the child and his emotional sphere is traditionally assigned to the factor of interaction between mother and child in the early stages of ontogenesis. A child is an inherently social being, completely incapable of supporting its own existence and completely dependent on the nearest adult. The need for the emergence of specific ways of influencing an adult leads to the fact that in the process of interaction with the mother there is a direct emotional communication between the mother and the child. In the process of constant contact with the child, the mother helps to regulate and streamline his affective relationships with the environment, to master various psychotechnical methods of affective organization of his behavior, stabilization of affective processes.

The mother, in turn, is the bearer of traditional norms and values ​​inherent in this society and herself.

Thus, the style of the mother's attitude and the characteristics of the mother's own emotional experience are, on the one hand, the environment for the formation of socially acceptable ways of the child's emotional manifestations in a given culture, and on the other, the ultimate framework for such manifestations, since the child is limited by that set of possibilities for emotional interaction. provided by his mother. Therefore, a lot, in the development of the child and in his later life, depends on the mother. From her behavior, from her relationship to the baby, how much attention the mother pays to the child, and how much he feels her love.

The purpose of this course work is to study the characteristics of the relationship between mother and child at the age from birth to three years.

The object of this work is the relationship between mother and child, the subject is the methods of their study.

To achieve the goal of the course work, the following tasks are set:

Consider the features of the development of a child in early ontogenesis;

Track the role of the mother in the life of her baby;

See how the mother's attitude towards the unborn child affects his development as a whole, and, on the development of their future relationships;

See how important it is for a child to always be with his mother;

Find out what a violation of the relationship between a mother and a child, or the absence of a mother at all, can lead to;

Consider the methods of studying the relationship between parents and the child, the interpersonal relationship of the child with others and determining the degree of his mental state.

The topic under consideration has aroused interest for a long time, but even now the relevance of this topic is great. Both domestic (L.S. Vygotsky, Meshcheryakova, M.I. Lysina, etc.) and foreign (A. Maslow, K. Horney, the number of scientific articles and literature on the study of the peculiarities of the development of relations (and their violation) between parents and children.

I. Theoretical part

1. Features of mental development at an early age

Early childhood - the age from birth to 3 years is a special period for development. In early childhood, development proceeds as quickly as possible, like at no other age. The most intensive formation and development of all the peculiarities inherent in a person takes place: the basic movements and foundations for mental processes and personality are mastered.

A child, unlike baby animals, is born with a minimum number of innate reflexes, but with a rich potential for life development. Almost all the variety of forms of behavior, both positive and negative, develops in the process of interaction with the social environment. And even the very time of occurrence of certain mental reactions can be accelerated by the corresponding influence of an adult. For example, if he shows benevolent attention and care to the child, speaks affectionately, then the baby's smile appears earlier.

Despite the rich development opportunities, the skills and abilities of the baby that are being formed are unstable, incomplete and easily destroyed under unfavorable conditions. So, in children attending nurseries, after a few days off at home, it is necessary to reinforce the skill of washing hands again. That is, at an early age, it is not so much skills and abilities that are formed, but the prerequisites for their further improvement.

In a normal healthy child, in the first three years of life, orienting reactions are pronounced. They stimulate the development of sensorimotor needs for movement and experience. Sensory needs prompt the child to be physically active. And in turn, the movements contribute to the intellectual development of the baby. If children are limited in receiving information, then their mental development is significantly delayed.

Of particular importance in mental development is the emotional state of the child and his relationship to the environment. Positive emotions create favorable conditions for the formation of behavior. They influence the establishment of social ties, first with adults, and then with peers, the formation of personality prerequisites, the maintenance and development of interest in the environment. In addition, a small child is easily infected with an emotional state from an adult.

The leading role in the mental development of a young child belongs to an adult. It provides the baby with optimal conditions not only for survival, good health and physical development, but also takes care of mental development. He not only cares for the baby, but also introduces him to those around him, guides and shapes his activity. And in response to an interested, benevolent attitude of an adult, a need for communication with him is formed very early in the child.

Usually, they do not attach importance to the fact that a child is born desirable or undesirable. And science already confidently asserts: the psyche of an unwanted child is traumatized even before birth. With prolonged stressful conditions, an excess amount of steroid hormones is formed in the mother's blood, passing the placental barrier and affecting the developing brain of the child. The magnitude and nature of emotional contact between a mother and an unborn child is perhaps the most decisive factor affecting the emerging psyche.

It is the mother's wrong behavior, her excessive emotional reactions to stresses that fill our hard and stressful life, that cause a huge number of postpartum complications such as neuroses, anxiety, mental retardation and many other pathological conditions.

The baby's father also plays an important role. The attitude towards the wife, her pregnancy and, of course, towards the expected child is one of the main factors that form feelings of happiness and strength in the future child, which are transmitted to him through a confident and calm mother.

After the birth of a child, the process of his development is characterized by three successive stages: absorption of information, imitation and personal experience. During the period of intrauterine development, experience and imitation are absent. As for the absorption of information, it is maximal and proceeds at the cellular level. At no point in his later life does a person develop so intensively as in the prenatal period, starting from a cell and turning in just a few months into a perfect being with amazing abilities and an inextinguishable desire for knowledge.

Prenatal development is based on the idea of ​​the need to provide the embryo and then the fetus with the best materials and conditions. This should become part of the natural process of developing all potential, all the abilities that were originally laid down in the egg.

There is the following pattern: everything that the mother goes through is experienced by the child. The mother is the child's first universe, his “living raw material base” from both material and mental points of view. Therefore, everything that she goes through experiences the fruit. The mother's emotions are transmitted to him, exerting either a positive or a negative effect on his psyche.

The mother is also a mediator between the outside world and the child. The evolving human being does not perceive this world directly. However, it continuously captures the sensations and feelings that the surrounding world evokes in the mother. This creature registers the first information capable of coloring the future personality in a certain way, in the tissues of cells, in organic memory and at the level of the incipient psyche.

This fact, recently rediscovered by science, is actually as old as the world. The woman has always intuitively felt its importance. For ancient civilizations, the significance of the gestation period was an immutable truth. Egyptians, Indians, Celts, Africans and many other peoples have developed a set of laws for mothers, couples and society in general that provide the best conditions for the child to live and develop.

More than a thousand years ago, there were prenatal clinics in China, where expectant mothers spent their pregnancy, surrounded by peace and beauty.

In an incomplete family, a single mother has a more pronounced attitude towards raising children than a mother in a complete family. This is especially noticeable in the family of divorced spouses. The upbringing process and the entire system of mother-child relationships are more emotionally saturated. At the same time, there are two extremes in the behavior of the mother regarding her relationship with the child. One of them is the use of harsh educational measures, primarily in relation to boys. This attitude, according to experts, is due to the fact that the mother is jealous of her son's meetings with his father, feels a constant feeling of emotional dissatisfaction and discontent with the son because of the undesirable character traits of the ex-husband that the boy has. Threats, reprimands and physical punishment of mothers are more often applied to boys. Sons often become "scapegoats" to relieve nervous tension and feelings of emotional dissatisfaction. This testifies to the intolerance of mothers to common features with fathers in children and to previous conflict relationships in the family.

The second extreme in the behavior of the mother after the divorce is that she seeks to compensate for what, in her opinion, the children do not receive due to the absence of the father. Such a mother takes a protective, protective, controlling position that restrains the child's initiative, which contributes to the formation of an emotionally vulnerable, lack of initiative, dependent, amenable to external influences, controlled from the outside, egoistic personality.

B.I. Kochubey highlights several temptations, waiting for a mother without a husband. These temptations lead to erroneous behavior of the mother in relations with children, which ultimately causes all sorts of deformations in their mental and personal development.

The first temptation - life for a child. Having lost her husband, a woman places all her hopes on the child, sees in his upbringing the only meaning and purpose of her life. For such a woman, there are no relatives, no friends, no personal life, no leisure; everything is dedicated to the child, aimed at his well-being and harmonious development. She avoids any changes in her personal life, fearing that this may not please the child and distract her from educational tasks. The formula that she is guided by in her life after the divorce: "I can not afford ...".

All mother-child relationships take on a disturbing connotation. Any of his failures, any offense turns into a tragedy: this is the threat of the collapse of her parenting career. A child should not risk anything, should not show independence, primarily in choosing friends, as this can lead him into bad company, he can make many irreparable mistakes. The mother gradually narrows not only her social circle, but also the child's social circle. As a result, the “mother-child” couple becomes more and more locked in on themselves, and their attachment to each other intensifies over the years.



At first, the child likes such a relationship, but then (most often this happens in early adolescence) he begins to feel uncomfortable. An understanding comes that the mother not only sacrificed her life for him, but also demands, often without realizing it, that he respond to her in the same way, compromising his own life plans and attitudes: he must sacrifice his life for an aging mother. In her love, the motive "do not let go!" Prevails.

Sooner or later, this causes a revolt of the child, whose adolescent crisis proceeds in this situation with symptoms of violent protest against maternal tyranny, no matter how mild it manifests itself.

This situation is fraught with serious consequences for both boys and girls. A young man who grew up in a purely feminine environment, often all his life looking for a girlfriend, created in the image and likeness of his mother - the same tender and caring, who also understands him perfectly, takes care of him, lovingly controls his every step. He is afraid of independence, which he is not accustomed to in the mother's family.

A girl in search of a way of release, protesting against maternal limitations, against controlling maternal love, having the most vague ideas about men, can commit unpredictable actions.

The second temptation is fighting the image of a husband . Divorce is dramatic for most women. To justify herself, a woman often exaggerates the negative traits of her ex-spouse. So she tries to remove her share of the guilt for a failed family life. Carried away by such tactics, she begins to impose a negative image of the father on the child. A mother’s negative attitude toward her ex-husband is especially strong in children six to seven years old, and less profound in adolescents over the age of ten.

Such a mother usually has an extremely negative attitude towards meetings of a child with a "bad" father, and sometimes even forbids them altogether. There are two possible consequences of such an anti-father upbringing. The first is that the mother's efforts to create negative ideas about the father in the child have been crowned with success. A son, disappointed in his father, can completely switch all reserves of his love and affection to his mother. If at the same time the negative attitude of the mother extends not only to the ex-spouse, but also to men in general, it becomes more difficult for the boy to grow up as a man, and a female type of psychological qualities and interests is formed in him. The daughter's bad attitude towards the father, who left the family, easily turns into distrust of the entire male family, whose representatives, in her view, are dangerous creatures capable only of deceiving women. It will not be easy for a girl with such views to create a family based on love and trust.

Option two: the manifestation of negative feelings of the mother towards the father does not convince the child that the father is really bad. The child continues to love his father and rushes between his equally beloved and hating parents. Subsequently, such a family atmosphere can cause a bifurcation of the mental life and personality of the child.

Some mothers begin to struggle not only with the image of the departed father, but also with those negative (in their opinion) features that they find in their children. In such cases, their behavior is clearly manifested temptation third- heredity , which is most often observed in incomplete mother-son families. Often the mother is unable to cope with her son, looking for the hereditary traits of the father who left the family. Often the qualities that such a mother ascribes to the father's “bad genes” are nothing more than a manifestation of masculine traits in their traditional understanding: excessive activity, aggressiveness. Under paternal inheritance, the mother usually understands the child's independence, his unwillingness to obey her in everything and the desire to have his own views on life and his future destiny. And she regards deviations from the norm in his behavior as the impossibility of changing anything due to "bad genes" and by this, as it were, she is trying to absolve herself of responsibility for mistakes made in upbringing.

The fourth temptation - trying to buy a child's love. After a divorce, the child most often stays with the mother, and this puts the parents in an unequal position: the mother is with the child every day, and the father usually meets with him on weekends. The father is free from daily worries and can devote himself entirely to what the children enjoy so much - giving gifts. With mom - hard days, and with dad - a fun holiday. It is not surprising that in some petty quarrel with the mother, a son or daughter can screw something like: "But dad does not scold me ... but dad gave me ..." Such episodes hurt the mother. In such situations, the mother has a natural desire to surpass her ex-husband in this respect and "outbid" his child's love. She brings down a stream of gifts on the child: let him not think that only the father loves him. Parents compete for the child's love, trying to prove to him, to themselves, and to those around them: "I love him no less and I do not regret anything for him!" In such a situation, the child begins to focus primarily on the material side of his relationship with his parents, trying in any way to achieve benefits for himself. Exaggerated attention of parents to a child can also cause immodesty and overestimated self-esteem in him, because, being in the center of universal interest, he does not realize that the parents' struggle for his love is not connected with any of his merits.

All of these temptations are based on the woman's lack of confidence in her love for her child, in the strength of her connections with the world. After the loss of her husband, she most of all fears that the child may stop loving her. That is why she is trying by any means to achieve childish favor.

Thus, the breakdown of the family is always painful for both adults and children. Unable to control their own experiences, adults change their attitude towards the child: someone sees in him the reason for the breakdown of the family and does not hesitate to talk about it, someone (most often the mother) sets himself up to fully devote his life to raising the child , someone recognizes in him the hateful features of the ex-spouse, or, on the contrary, rejoices in their absence. In any of these cases, the internal disharmony of the adult in the post-divorce crisis leaves an imprint on the formation of the child's personality, because children largely perceive events, focusing on the reaction of adults. Often, adults use children as an object of relieving their negative emotions, spreading negative aspects of the situation they are experiencing. At the same time, parents lose sight of the fact that the child always suffers deeply if the family hearth collapses. Divorce invariably causes mental breakdown in children and strong experiences. That's why adults need to take into account the circumstances that affect the mental development of the child in such a situation.

This is exactly what one of the leading US specialists in the field of pediatrics, child psychology and psychiatry, Allan Fromm, advises parents to pay attention to. The main provisions of his family "code", addressed to divorced parents, are as follows:

1 ... Divorce of spouses is often preceded by many months of disagreements and family quarrels, which are difficult to hide from the child and which worry him. Not only that: parents, busy with their quarrels, treat him badly, even if they are full of good intentions to remove him from solving their own problems.

2. The child feels the absence of the father, even if he does not openly express his feelings. Moreover, he perceives the departure of the father as a rejection of him, the child. These experiences have been going on for many years.

3 ... Very often, after a divorce, the mother is again forced to go to work, so she devotes less time to the child than before, he feels rejected by her too.

4. For some time after the divorce, the father regularly visits the child. This deeply worries the baby. If the father shows love and generosity to him, divorce still seems to the child
more painful and inexplicable, he looks at his mother with distrust and resentment. If the father is dry and aloof, the child begins to wonder why, in fact, you need to see him, and as a result, the child may have a guilt complex. If the parents, in addition, are seized with a desire to take revenge on each other, they fill the child's mind with harmful nonsense, scolding each other, thereby undermining the psychological support that a normal family usually gives the child.

5. Taking advantage of the split in the family, the child can push the parents against each other and benefit from it. By forcing him to win his love, the child is forcing himself to be pampered. His intrigues and aggressiveness over time may even cause parental approval.

6. The child's relationship with his comrades often deteriorates due to their immodest questioning, gossip and his unwillingness to answer questions about his father.

7 ... With the departure of the father, the house loses its masculinity: it is more difficult for the mother to take the boy to the stadium, to develop his purely male interests. The child no longer clearly sees what role a man plays in the house. As for the girl, her correct attitude towards the male sex can easily be distorted due to open resentment against her father and the unhappy experience of the mother. In addition, her idea of ​​a man is not formed by the example of her father and therefore may turn out to be incorrect.

8. In one way or another, the mother's suffering and worries are reflected on the baby. In a new position, a woman, of course, is much more difficult to fulfill her maternal responsibilities.

The above circumstances, combined with the mistakes that mothers make in raising children in a divorced family, can lead not only to disorders of the child's mental development, but also to deformation of his personality as a whole. But the psychological problems of children brought up in a broken family are not limited to this.

The importance of maternal behavior for the development of the child, its complex structure and path of development, the multiplicity of cultural and individual options, as well as a huge amount of modern research in this area allow us to talk about motherhood as an independent reality, requiring the development of a holistic scientific approach for its study. In the psychological literature (mainly foreign), much attention is paid to the biological foundations of motherhood, as well as the conditions and factors of its individual development in humans. In Russian psychology, a number of works have recently appeared related to phenomenology, psychophysiology, psychology of motherhood, psychotherapeutic and psychological-pedagogical aspects of pregnancy and the early stages of motherhood, deviant motherhood.

If we generalize all the main areas of research, we can find that motherhood as a psychosocial phenomenon is considered from two main positions: motherhood as providing conditions for the development of the child and motherhood as part of the personal sphere of women. Let's consider these studies in more detail.

It is believed that the characteristics of the maternal relationship are determined not only by the cultural and social status of a woman, but also by her own mental history before and after birth. Some authors believe that the competent behavior of a mother in recognizing the emotional state of her child reaches maturity only after the developmental path that she takes in childhood and adolescence. Various authors distinguish the stages of development of motherhood (as a variant of parenting) from planning to implementation in the first and second generations, stages of pregnancy, the relationship between pregnancy and personality development, pregnancy as a stage of development of motherhood. During ontogenesis, some types of experience (relationships with one's own mother, contacts with babies and the emergence of interest in them in childhood, the interpretation of motherhood in connection with marriage and the sexual sphere, as well as specific experience of interaction with children with certain characteristics: dementia, physical disabilities, deformities, the consequences of accidents and injuries) affect the content of the mother's attitude to the child, her maternal role and the interpretation of her feelings about motherhood (I.A.Zakharov, S.Yu. , G.G. Filippova, G. Levy, WB Miller and others).

The individual ontogenesis of motherhood goes through several stages, during which the woman's natural psychological adaptation to the mother's role is carried out. One of the most important is the period of pregnancy; the content of which is determined by changes in a woman's self-awareness, aimed at accepting a new social role and the formation of a feeling of attachment to a child. By the nature of the prevailing experience, it is divided, in turn, into a stage associated with the need for a woman to make a decision to maintain or artificially terminate pregnancy, a stage associated with the onset of fetal movement, and a stage determined by preparation for childbirth and the appearance of a child in the house. No less important is the period after birth, in which the child is psychologically accepted as an independent person and adapted to him. Studying the formation of a mother's feelings of attachment to a child, V.I. Brushan gives the following interpretation of the main stages of pregnancy:

1) Pre-tuning phase. Before pregnancy - the formation of a matrix of maternal relations in ontogenesis, which is influenced by the experience of interaction with the mother, family traditions, cultural values ​​existing in society. At the beginning of pregnancy (from the moment of recognition to the moment of movement), the formation of the self begins - the concept of the mother and the concept of the child, which has not yet been endowed with the qualities of a "native".

2) The phase of the primary bodily experience: intraceptive experience during movement, the result of which will be the separation of “I” and “not I”, which is the germ of the future ambivalence of the attitude towards the child, and the formation of a new sense of “native”, “ours”, “mine (part of me)". In the period after childbirth, the construction of the meaning of "native" takes place due to extraceptive stimulation. In the future, there is a separation of the vital meaning "native" from the social meaning of the child, while the latter gradually grows, and the former, on the contrary, becomes less strong and significant.

The maternal attitude is a complex, systemically organized quality of the mother's behavior and is the result of the interaction of numerous motivational relationships:

1) a set of pre-existing attitudes and value orientations in the mother as stable constructs of consciousness in relation to the child (the child as an intrinsic value or attitude towards him occupies a subordinate position in the hierarchy of other motivational relations - professional, prestigious, etc.)

2) features of the mother's personality structure, her predominant traits (for example, rationalism or selfishness, or empathy, sensitivity, suggestibility, etc.).

3) the system of motivational relationships as a result of specific ways of interaction between the child and the parents. It is possible to distinguish the parameters of interaction - the nature of the mother's actions addressed to the child, and, accordingly, the nature of the child's responses - the nature of the mother's emotional experiences caused by interaction with the child and, accordingly, the response emotional manifestations in the child's behavior. Parameters of maternal attitude: - the severity of the mother's behavior of emotions addressed to the child and their modal characteristics (support, suppression, rejection, or aggression) - the emotionality of the mother as a whole (nonemotionals, emotional, but balanced, affective, conflict) - psychological distance between mother and child (emotional distance, spatial-physical station, etc.) - dominant reactions of real interaction (verbal contact, tactile and eye contact, etc.) - the mother's ability to maintain a comfortable state of the child under stress (knows how whether to protect against collision with danger, aggressive environment). It is possible to distinguish 4 types of maternal attitudes - emotionally supportive and accepting - emotionally suppressive - emotionally rejecting - severely aggressive.

By the nature of the dominant emotions in each of the behavior of the maternal relationship, different options can be distinguished:

In an emotionally supportive relationship;

Optimistic, calm and balanced attitude;

With manifestations of pessimism, depression;

Affective, unbalanced, explosive - in an emotionally overwhelming relation, options are possible - rational, forcedly developing attitude;

Anxious, depressive;

With increased moral responsibility, with a hypersocial orientation - in an emotionally rejecting attitude, the following options are possible: power-authoritarian;

Powerfully overwhelming;

Indifferently indifferent;

Conflict - in a rigidly aggressive attitude, the following options are possible: neglecting, demeaning-demeaning attitude;

Either with sadistic tendencies, or with manifestations of violence.

One of the main indicators of parental attitude is the personality traits of the parent, while noting that it is thanks to them that parents implement certain styles of family education.

D. Stevenson-Hind, M. Simson (1982), depending on the personality characteristics of the mother, distinguish the types of family upbringing:

1) a calm mother who predominantly uses praise as an educational tool;

2) an exalted mother with a wide amplitude of emotional reactions to any little things in the child's behavior;

3) "social" mother - she is characterized by easy distraction from the child for any stimuli.

Investigating the features of the mother's behavior towards the child, A. Adler said that the increased anxiety of the mother leads to overprotective behavior. Other researchers associate overprotective behavior with feelings of guilt in parents, i.e. overprotection, in their opinion, is engendered by guilt.

Belousova I.V. believes that anxious mothers often have anxious children. Ambitious parents often overwhelm their children in such a way that they develop an inferiority complex. A mother who blames herself for everything that she does not succeed, and thanks fate and life circumstances for everything that she succeeds, with a high degree of probability can count on the formation of the same psychological attitude in children.

A.I. Zakharov Metaphorically identifies several psychological types of mothers that can serve as the basis for the formation of neuroses:

- "Princess Nesmeyana", anxious, worried mother, too principled, restrained in expressing feelings, unresponsive. Does not recognize childish spontaneity, loves to be ironic, make comments, shame, read morality, look for flaws;

- "sleeping beauty", immersed in her thoughts and feelings, detached from the child and his needs, treating him like a living doll;

- "Non-commissioned officer Prishibeyev", not sensitive enough, often rude, categorical, commands children in everything, urges on, does not trust experience, independence. Irritable, intolerant of weakness, uses physical punishment;

- "hectic mother", emotionally unstable, contradictory, in his behavior is guided by extremes. Often emotionally unrestrained;

- "hen", anxious, restless, sacrificial nature, in interaction with the child is guided by the principle of overprotection;

- "eternal child", infantile, suggestible, psychologically immature, constantly in need of support and patronage, prefers to hand over the child "on bail" to someone.

Noteworthy is the study by A.G. Liders and E.N. Spireva on the influence of the personality of parents on the choice of the style of parenting. The study showed that the extraversion of the mother entails excessive parenting requirements, and also introduces anxiety in the relationship with the child.

Mothers who are distinguished by spontaneity in actions and deeds will indulge, maximally and uncritically satisfy any needs of the child; such mothers have less pronounced phobia of loss of a child.

In an aggressive mother, there is a situation in which the child is on the periphery of the parent's attention, but at the same time, an aggressive mother can indulge the child, satisfy all his needs, in education, and also present insufficient prohibitions. An aggressive mother is inconsistent, unstable in educational methods, with abrupt transitions from very strict to liberal and then, on the contrary, to a transition from significant attention to emotional rejection of the child. In the family of an aggressive mother, educational confrontation and the introduction of conflict between spouses into relations with a child are often observed.

A rigid mother, subjective in her assessments, with inertia of attitudes and perseverance of personality, prone to pedantry, alert suspicion is very demanding in education.

An introverted mother, withdrawn, turned into her inner world in raising a child makes insufficient demands, she has a desire to expand parental feelings, excessive infantilization of the child, educational uncertainty and fear of losing a child. She is also characterized by the underdevelopment of parental feelings and the desire to cultivate in a child, regardless of gender, female traits.

A sensitive, sensitive, conformal, dependent mother in raising a child will control, patronize, impose on the child, limit his independence. The more sensitive the mother, the less cooperation is observed in her relationship with the child, the more anxiety about the child is observed in upbringing.

Anxious mothers are characterized by a preference for female qualities in raising a child, regardless of gender.

Consider the reasons for the different attitudes of mothers towards children, this issue worries many scientists and practitioners. Hundreds of factors have been identified that affect the originality of the types of maternal attitudes towards a child. For convenience, it is customary to combine these factors, which determine the characteristics of the maternal relationship, into separate groups. Donald Wood Winnicott, in his book Little Children and Their Mothers, mentions the main ones:

§ the mother was a child herself, and the whole mixture of experiences associated with the gradual transition from dependence to independence was preserved in her memory;

§ she played mother-daughter, learning to babysit a doll, perhaps she had younger brothers and sisters, she watched her mother take care of them;

§ being a teenager and ill, she seemed to return to the state of a child again, while experiencing the care of her mother;

§ Perhaps, while expecting a child, she attended training courses for expectant mothers or read books, from which she learned a certain approach to the child;

§ In addition, local customs and culture influence her relationship with her baby.

Many psychologists of various schools and directions have long been attracted by the extraordinary importance of the relationship between parents and children.

Classical psychoanalysis was the first scientific direction that studies parent-child relationships. It was psychoanalysis that became the defining direction in the development of the basic concepts of child development, in which the key role is assigned to the problem of relations between children and parents (E. Erickson, K. Horney, etc.).

Theoretical models are popular in Western psychology. And a classification of parenting styles of behavior was proposed, including 3 types:

Permissive style.

Psychologists have developed a dynamic two-factor model of parenting, where one of the factors reflects the emotional attitude towards the child: "acceptance-rejection", and the other - the style of parenting behavior: "autonomy-control". Each position is the interconnection of various factors, their interconnection.

Recently, cross-cultural and gender studies have become one of the most common areas of research on parent-child relationships. Research in this area has shown that a certain parental style of behavior corresponds to each type of child's temperament. An interesting study of gender differences in parenting styles has been carried out. They showed that mothers are more inherent in authoritative style, fathers - authoritarian or permissive. The authoritarian style is more typical for the boy's parents, the authoritative style for the girl's parents.

Each family develops a certain upbringing system that has its own goals, objectives and methods. L.F. Obukhova proposes to single out the four most general tactics of upbringing in the family and the four types of family relationships that correspond to them, which are both the prerequisite and the result of their emergence: diktat, guardianship, "non-interference" and cooperation.

Diktat in the family is manifested in the systematic behavior of some family members (mainly adults), initiative and self-esteem among other family members. Parents prefer order and violence to all kinds of influence, they want to assert their own superiority on the feeling of dependence of the child, they face his resistance, he responds to pressure, coercion, threats with his countermeasures: hypocrisy, deception, outbursts of rudeness, and sometimes outright hatred. But even if the resistance turns out to be broken, along with it many valuable personality traits are broken: independence, self-esteem, initiative, faith in oneself and in one's own capabilities.

Family custody is a system of relationships in which parents satisfy all the child's needs, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon themselves. The question of active personality formation fades into the background. At the center of educational influences is another problem - meeting the needs of the child and protecting him from difficulties. Parents, in fact, block the process of seriously preparing their children to face reality outside their home. It is these children who turn out to be unadapted to life in a team and are subject to emotional breakdowns in the transitional age. It is these children who, it would seem, have nothing to complain about, are beginning to rebel against excessive parental care. If diktat presupposes violence, orders, rigid authoritarianism, then guardianship means care, protection from difficulties. However, the result is largely the same: children lack independence, initiative, they are somehow excluded from solving issues that personally concern them, and even more so the general problems of the family.

The system of recognition of the possibility and expediency of the independent existence of adults from children is called the tactics of "non-interference". Most often, this type of relationship is based on the passivity of parents as educators, and sometimes their emotional coldness, indifference, inability and unwillingness to learn to be parents. Moreover, this option can be found both in poor, unsettled families (say, a family of alcoholics, where parents are only interested in how to get themselves a drink once again and they absolutely do not care about their children), as well as in relatively settled, wealthy and prosperous families (rich parents have achieved high results in their professional field, in their careers, and, wishing, above all, to ensure the future material well-being of their children, at an early age accustom them to their future (sometimes chosen by the parents themselves) professional orientation, which in itself can include long periods of separation from parents, during which the child is left to himself, and after the child "gets on his feet," almost all caring for him ceases).

Cooperation as a type of parental relationship presupposes the mediation of interpersonal relationships in the family by the common goals and objectives of joint activity, its organization and high moral values. It is in this situation that the child's egoistic individualism is overcome.

Thus, a family where the leading type of relationship is cooperation, where parents communicate with children on an equal footing, where everyone can turn to another with a question or request and receive help acquires a special quality, becomes a group of a high level of development - a collective.