that was given a psychologist Olga Pisarik Tatiana Watermelovova, the interviewer of the site "Consciously". Today, Olga will tell about how the theory of affection helped her to raise their own four children, as well as the reasons for the difficulties of modern mothers sitting with children.

Tatyana Arbuzova: Where do parents draw resources and strength to be support for a child?

Olga Pisarik: In principle, it is unfair that the woman is one forced to raise children. Our brain is not adapted to grow children alone. No wonder there is a saying "Need a village to grow a child." And if we see how children were traditionally grown, it was 5-6 adults around the child who shift the care of him from hand to hand.

None of these adults was with a child one one 24 hours a day. If my mother had to go to make a cow, for example, or somewhere to go out, she could calmly do it, knowing that her child was supervised. She did not need to break his head, where to children's child for half an hour, who would call, who to call. There was always someone near who could look. Everyone lived near and helped each other. This is one point.

And now the woman can not turn off even for 5 minutes, can not rest. If she needs to go somewhere, then you have to come up with what to do - call Nyan, or grandmother, or my husband. And you feel all the time cowardly. You do not have the right to get sick, you understand that if you are waiting, then you will be worse than now. Nobody take care of you. You can't relax.

It seems to me that if, for example, three women lived together, and each in a couple of children, and they could replace each other, then everything would be much easier.

The problem with the help of relatives and husbands, if they work, also in the fact that they can help not when a woman needs, but when they can, based on their work.

And if you have a little child who has not slept until 6 in the morning, and you didn't sleep with him and fell asleep only at 6 am, and in 8 you get up to get older to the garden or school, and my husband can not, because he To 8 to work, it turns out that you have no opportunity to satisfy even some basic needs. Yes, the husband came in the evening, played. Or grandmother came when she was able, and played.

Th.: The problem is that the help comes not when it is needed, and when it is comfortable to those who help.

OP: And the help should be when it is needed, and what is needed. And not so that the woman only gave birth, and Mom comes to her and begins to pronounce why the floors are not washed and borscht is not welded. Go, they say, get out, and I will go with the baby we take a walk. Although mom needs everything exactly the opposite - to relax with the baby until someone helps the floors and prepare to eat.

Where to get a resource? I do not really like the expression "take a resource", because the whole resource is in us. As soon as you argue with the fact that the child is, he is forever, that, as without a child, will no longer be, spontaneity, to which you get used to, will not. If you see that you have a resource more than a child, more experience and less dependency - you know that they lived to him and be able to live without it. And he has such experience - life without you and knowledge - no. The child is completely depends on the mother. He has no freedom, nor the opportunity to live without mom.

Children from us are very dependent. When we see ourselves the answer to the needs of the child when we see it in need of us, from here and the resource is taken. Now imagine the situation that you went shopping and already go home from the last strength, carry the bags and the only one your thought is to reach home, go home to the sofa and so that no one touches. And suddenly, going into the entrance, you stumble on a tiny abandoned kitten. And all your fatigue disappears, you immediately have the strength to run in the neighbors, asking whether someone has lost the kitten, feed, warm. When we see the child with a small, not mocking, but in need, then the strength is taken.

But, despite the fact that the forces are taken, it is necessary to understand that the modern society is arranged very unfair in relation to mothers. You can, of course, put out the help of the household assistants, the nanny is reliable to choose. But the nanny tend to change the place of work, so the reliability will not still be reliability. Although if you live an extended family, a small community will, of course, will be easier. And it seems to me, we will come to this. I see that the women are already negotiated, watching children together.

Many mothers are sincerely consider themselves with husks. It does not work, does not earn money, does not benefit society, walks in T-shirt and sports pants, especially if she has a couple of young children.

All attributes that are considered correct and important for the current society, for which people are appreciated - young mom is missing. And so many mothers feel terrible. And not because you need to make money or their work requires constant practice to maintain your qualifications. And in order to give yourself a sense of value.

Even closest do not give mom here is a sense of value. Well, what are you doing there? The washing machine is erased, dishwasher washes, a multicooker cooks, and you complain here. And yes, many women themselves do not understand what to complain. Can't catch these moments. After all, the truth is the washing machine erases, dishwasher washes, Multicooker cooks, why should I so bad?

Our plants, views on parenting develop initially from past generation experience. And the system has long changed, society and living conditions have changed. We do not face the difficulties that our moms were - water to apply the water, wash your hands, stove to spit. And those difficulties we face are incomprehensible to the older generation. Our grandmothers could have a child in the house to tie to the feet of the table and go to the water. They would never have come to the idea that they could somehow harm the psyche of the child. We are now arranged otherwise.

Unfortunately, the state does not participate in the help of mothers. Moreover, if communities are still preserved in undeveloped countries, people live in villages surrounded by relatives, then in Western countries, it turns out that most nuclear families live in megalopolis and there is no one here. There are no communities, and the state is the first three months decree and come on, go back to the labor market. The child remains behind the scenes.

It is advantageous for the state to follow 1 woman for 30 children while 30 mothers work for the good of the state. But how does this affect the development, how does this affect further problems? I see that the adult population in any western country is a high level of depression, a high level of suicide. People are very durable in themselves, ready for everything to appeal, get their stroke, recognition, feelings of importance. For this, they are ready to sacrifice themselves, their health, burn at work. Do not regret yourself for the sake of external social strokes, which give at least a second sense of love. It is so sad.

France, for example, is simply a stunning country, which is considered the norm that the toy replaces mom. For the French Mom, it is very important from the very birth to teach the child to the Du-Du - replacing yourself. That is, there is nothing wrong with the transitional object in the transitional object, I wrote more about it. This is a symbol of mom, for which the child keeps, while mom is not near. But here the transitional object actually replaced the mother.

He should not replace his task - to help. If we go to the doctor, then we take a beloved bunny with you, next to which is calmer, which is a symbol of the house, well-being. And Du-do is replaced by parents. Parents are engaged only for concern for physiological needs - wear, feed, and all psychological needs in proximity and contact are transferred to the toy.

Th.: What kind of main experience did you bring to date from your practice of attachment theory?

OP: Thanks to the theory of attachment raised four children. At the same time passed through a divorce, I figured them alone. I work 50-60 hours a week. Senior 19, second 18, daughters 14 and younger 12. I look at them, and I like what happened.

Although there was an immigration experience. Such situations in generally traumatic children. The older was then about 6 years old. Older children actually damping everything they are accustomed to. We had no grandparents, my grandfathers were there, where we moved. They moved very far away - to the other end of the globe.

Then there was a divorce, dad children live for 800 km and can come for a long weekend, it is about 6-7 per year. Children all the time with me. I am all the time with children. I am working. And here I look at what happened - and I like it.

Senior son is so good, balanced, almost an adult. I remember myself in 19 and I understand that he is headed above me in terms of maturity, adulthood, understanding of life, vision itself in this life. And the second here, too, smolds in adulthood. And I also really like how it turns out.

The theory of attachment helped me and for children through many potentially traumatic situations and feel confident, steadily, in reliable contact, in proximity. Allowed me to give them a feeling of solid soil under his feet.

Many suggest that the theory of attachment and alpha parenthood is very costly in time, in terms of mom's involvement. And I think: we save a lot of strength and resources. The theory of affection allows point to see the problem and solve it.

Yes, when the children were small, I did not work. Then they grave. And I began to do something. And all my colleagues, teachers at the Newfeld Institute, too, all the time do something, learn. And the children grow in the feeling that Mom is near, Mom is not going anywhere.

Without these knowledge, on one intuition it would not be. Something I did intuitively. For example, my children did not go to kindergarten. Not because I was against kindergarten. In our environment, all children went to the garden, it was normal. We chose the kindergarten. But then I went, looked at these huge windows, huge premises. And I have two such kids - one 3, another 2. It seemed to me that they would be uncomfortable there. That was a purely intuitive solution.

I remember that when we moved, I had enough intuition to take the maximum of children's things. Brought boxes with children's books, bed linen. I understood that I would be with the children, I would not go to work, and I need to give children a sense of reliability and security.

But there were a lot of reactions, my behavior, which I am not at all proud of. I do not think that I would have enough intuition to help children in all stressful situations through which our family has passed. Knowledge is the power in fact.

Hello. We with my husband a little baby (1 year). I am on your childcare leave. The husband is constantly at work, rest rarely. With a child, almost all the time I am alone. My husband is constantly quarreling. Then because of the money, then because of the life. The child is not calm, at night crying, sleeping bad during the day. The husband does not understand that I get tired, believes that since I am at home, then it is easier for me. He says that I owe everything to do everything, and if I do not have time to cook him dinner, then says: "I give you money why I give you? You will not cook, I will not give money!" He says he pays me for it. I feel serving. I do not want to help me, says that I'm tired. When I say that I am also tired, wonders, does not understand what? I think that I'm sitting all day on the Internet and do nothing.

If the mess of the house is indignant! And when I explain that today it has already brought 10 times, he does not believe. As it does not understand that the child everywhere scatters everything. That order is enough only for 15-20 minutes, and then everything again, as not cleaned.

Grubits me, shouts, no respect, behaves aggressively towards me. Reproaches every step. Even in situations where his fault is obvious, everything denies, says that I am to blame for everything. In general, as if alien to each other. Any problem solve with a scandal. It can't calmly, he begins to shout and me, believes that only he is always right, and my opinion does not want to listen.

No attention, no hugs, no gentle words, care. As if I do not need him. I want to feel not only a mom and a housewife, but also your beloved wife.

Tired of quarrels, scandals, constant claims and reproaches. How to explain to my husband that it is too hard for me.

Comments

Victoria, good afternoon.

Of course, you describe the sad situation. It is hard for you, and I have a lot of sympathy. The birth of a child is a crisis situation for family relationships. Indeed, during this period, her husband and wife have very different tasks. From your letter makes a feeling that, being absorbed in your affairs, you and I stopped talking and hear each other. As I understood, you are a child and a house. The husband "constantly at work, rest rarely." How does he rest? Does the time spent with the child? Tell me, before the appearance of the baby, did you have a "contract" regarding the distribution of family responsibilities? Or each of you has its own idea about this, and the birth of a child as it would have highlighted this inconsistency? Did you consider the option of hiring someone with your husband - for example, a nanny to a child, an amateur assistant? We can talk about help literally for several hours. This will give you the opposite itself, the ability to do something for yourself ... And, by the way, about the servant. Since my husband says he pays for you that you cook him, then you can calculate how much cooks are in your city. Is your job paid separately for nanny and cleaners? If you fold the cost of these services, how adequately looks like a husband gives you?

Hello!
The story is really sad. I am understandable and familiar to the situation with constant mess in the house and eternal fatigue. It is strange that your husband does not understand this. You need to explain that in the family it is impossible to solve all the problems that he gives you that you and the child must be given time to spend the forces to be strong. After all, the family is also a business, you need to work and want to build relationships. Tell me, did he want a child? Realized that it will be difficult? Try to agree with him: one day a week he sits with a child (walking with him, stacked to sleep, playing), and you go with girlfriends to walk, relax, go to the salon.
And if he is aggressive, insults and reproaches you constantly and does not go to persuasion, then can you think about his necessity ?? ? If you do not wash it, stroke, clean, cook, etc., imagine how much an extra time you have, which you can spend on yourself and your little one. Do not make yourself offended, raise samocek. I sincerely wish you good luck!

Good day! Yes, in such a situation, you can really think about the need for such a spouse and father to the child, but the child is still small, and Victoria on maternity leave, if you "get rid of" from her husband, then who will provide her and a child ?? Many men after the birth of the child appears a mood "You are a woman - you have to be able to do everything and do everything and everyone's time, you have it in the genes," and unfortunately, I don't know how to deal with it. And no arguments, and evidence of how much you do, it will not help. Inconsider your husband to sit with the child (once it's so simple), and you would have come to work, I have many acquaintances that have done so, who has a salary than her husband.

And the option, take yourself in hand and do as the husband says so that it is constantly purely and so on and TP (I understand that it is very hard, herself was in such a situation, because of all the houses and the child I slept 2-4 hours a day (!)), But at the same time, to ensure my free time - the husband came home - to feed and give a child, let him play with him, and you still do what you did not have time! Or clean up not 10 times a day, but only before the arrival of her husband! Prepare him while the baby sleeps, wash the underwear at night, take it out in the morning and dry, I'm glad when the child sleeps again! Arrange a husband a romantic evening when the child will sleep, maybe he also lacks your attention, because you are absorbed by the child (and it is also right, it is necessary to find a golden middle)

You can correctly organize yourself and your time and at least your husband is nothing to reproach, and if already on this background it will continue, it will be clear - you need you or not? With all the resulting circumstances! Try to look at this situation unbiased! In order not to irritate you can drink some medicines (if you certainly do not feed the breast), try not to scandal, but to apply the principle of "open door", my husband reproaches you, and you say "Yes, I'm not always doing everything on time, I am a lively human!" And all, more than any explanations, no excuse and insults in response! You need a lot of strength and time to change the situation, but believe me, it's all in your power! The main thing is to tune in !! From your sanity and wisdom depends on the future of your family, if she is, of course, the road! Good luck to you!! Write !!

Hello, I have not decided to comment on your story for a long time. This is a very scrupulous topic and advise is very difficult. In my opinion, each family through it passes. I agree with Anna that to preserve the family you need to make concessions. But I want to warnish, not all health care allows you to work for wear. I behaved the same way as described Anna and as a result When a child was 2 years old for 3 months, 3 times raised to the hospital with quite serious diseases against the background of weakened immunity and made it worse and family and family. The husband was not adapted to the current conditions (despite the fact that he spent time with her son every day and was engaged with him.)
Child needs dad. Teach your husband is not intrusive to communicate with the child, not even for yourself and for the sake of a child, but you will see and you will be easier.

I agree with Catherine, that this work on wear and in fact it is hard (herself like Katya did it and without "fast" and doctors did not cost), and the child will also be bad if moms will not be near, and will remain completely unsuitable To everyday life and household dad (as in the case of Victoria!). And so still all the economy and all-all-all on us, on Mama and Wives, it happens that - it will be bad to everyone! This can not be scared, it is necessary for the spouse of Victoria just understand it, because if suddenly it happens (God forbid !!!) - it will be late! It is necessary to teach her husband that he is also dad, and not just a "wallet", Katya law! We must also have a child to dad to teach and dad to the child!

I, for example, a child at all left with anyone, besides me, just got used, because the husband was always at work, from morning to night, and if there were weekdays, he rested, and I took something a child to My husband rested to have the strength to work further and provide us! It was I decided that it would be better for our family! I hope that there is enough forces further)) So everything is in our hands)) The child grows up, it becomes interesting to happen to him, now the husband himself plays with him, if there is time, just need to wait, survive the difficult period!

Victoria, I sympathize with you!
About such a problem generally often have to hear. For some reason, most men believe that if a woman sits with a child - "then she sits at home and still does not do anything ..." or let's say you begin to explain that she: and cooks, and removes, and erases, and deals with a slave, and To be beautiful and fun, and go to the store ... - come across a misunderstanding ...
Or moreover, it is expressed exactly that - that is, besides the family, it seems to her and nothing, but a man needs work for self-realization ... and try to argue here ...
Sophisticated situation ... I wish you success, patience and happiness in your family life!

The situation, of course unpleasant. Our daughter is 1 year and 2 months., The first three months after birth was also so, but began to act in their own way. Husband comes from work. By the way, it also works a lot and go home only to sleep, in turn I try to go home and dinner and order is not always true., I go or wash 40 minutes or say that I need to in the shop, Accordingly, this time the husband spends with the child. Like a husband with a child communicates and grabs this time to even relax. And now I recently looked at the hospital for 10 days, we have no grandmothers, so he had to take sick leave and raise her daughter. When I arrived, the unstage so asked if he would understand how hard with the child, that much you can not have time. For these 10 days, they began to understand each other so well, and the dad is not recognized)))). Now he does not treat the fact that the house really happens, and that there is no dinner. You distract the guilty by cartoons while cook dinner (we have "well, wait" straight salvation)))) In general, I wish you to find a compromise, inferior to each other, you like a woman should be able to smooth out the corners, because your mood and mood of your husband is directly transferred to the guild. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

Victoria, and we found such a way out: twice a week for two hours comes to the household ... trifles, clothes and cooking are lying on me, but the floor-dust-sophisticated places - on it. Thank you very much. 100 p. at one o'clock. Agreed with a friend who walks with a child (year and month) while I am going by sports for 1.5 hours twice a week - 150 R.V. hour…

In general, there is a feeling that he reacts to something else, and on you, as on a close person, breaks down ...
Male never understand what it means to be a mom. But the understanding of household difficulties is still available if he intentionally does not devalue it. Another question is what he does it. Or maybe you are really experiencing a crisis (we, by the way, also in such a situation now. All the same, but without screams and explicit aggression) + Maybe he has problems? Or health? Or something else? Obviously, man is tense. And then it's not in a rare rest, but in constant tension.
Smooth the corners are wonderful, but at the same time keep a sense of self-esteem, without falling into a self-sufficiency. Otherwise, it will drop the solution to the issue of 100 steps back

1. Write the main questions that you are worried
2. Abstract from the situation, take a look at it with the eyes of a passerby.
3. Answer questions from the position of the passerby
If you chose this man in your husbands, then something is attractive for you. It is the way out of the vicious circle of the sacrifice-aggressor-savior will help you to build a qualitatively new relationship. And you can go only through abstraction, reflection and awareness.

I hope I did not confuse you. If my statements seem too abstract, I am ready to specify them

i also wanted to add that if finances allow

1. Assistant is a big way out !!! 1 time per week for half a day. It will be quite enough

2. And so that the husband of the brains is still close to the family and the child, I acquired a subscription to the baby swimming, especially for the dad, and in his only weekend, the solemn accompanied into the pool with a child, 2 hours a day, (and sometimes And in all week it came out) close contact - very changes the shitting :))

A little bit in the topic .. But there was a period when the husband began to reproach, you want to go at home, I did nothing at the farm and TD .. Once I decided to earn money on the New Year holidays. In accurate festive days at the work of a husband - he sat at home. I let me down on working as a whim mine perceived. I agreed with my daughter (3,5 years old was). I had a hard job, but all the variety in life and even though I did not get enough sleep and tired - the shine in the eyes was. My husband served all 10 days of New Year's holidays honestly. Walked with a child and a dog and fed them. The first three days he did not speak with me at all. I came home around 11 pm, he mumbled something like "something I'm tired, I'll go to sleep - the seagull." Five days later adapted, the day was already cope with the 10th day, but he was happy to work with joy and said that he would not let me go to work on the New Year holidays - and then he did not have this holidays. One and a half years I do not hear reproaches :-)

The situation is not very simple. Every thoughts climb into mind. I put myself in your place and I think I would have coped with it. After all, the child is a huge work, and also home care. My personal belief that the matter is not that you have a mess, etc. Just your husband was not ready to share you or business in another woman. And here you really need to look at what your relationship was before the birth of a child. For me is an anomaly of misunderstanding husbands. We, of course, also sometimes happens, but it is extremely rare and, as a rule, this happens after a busy day at work.
We are not a car in order to cope with everything and immediately. Previously, I managed everything, but as soon as my child turned a year, I began to "go." Either I play with her, and she calmly behaves, or I do business, and she yells and requires attention. So here it is not twisted, but everyone will have time to do, if you are certainly not a robot. And the fact that he does not understand you, speaks of his disrespect for you. Try to understand what really happens and the reason for his behavior. I generally consider blackmail with money, respecting myself a man never will allow himself. They say a lot that how without dad to survive? And I believe that it will be better for a child without such a dad that torments morally mom. And this state of the eternal voltage is primarily reflected in the child. You know, there is such a saying: "When God gives a child, he gives both a child." Therefore, with God's help, you will handle. The main thing is to understand what you need and your child. And still ask yourself if there is love between you or is it just a fear of staying alone? And what are you waiting for such relationships. Make conclusions, make the right decision, and I wish you still get understanding from my husband and save a healthy family!
Good luck to you!

Really very difficult situation! It seems to me that you need to choose the moment, and just arrange a cry of the soul for her husband, to say a calm tone, without a screaming and hysterical, all that you wrote here! To compromise! To say that this is his child, too, and he needs not money and father, loving and caring! Do not think that only you have such problems, all families face like! No man will understand the woman completely, as well as we! Good luck and happiness to you!

I am very glad that it raised this question, my husband and my husband had the same problem. Only he has a sailor and thank you very much to my mom. The husband went to the flight when the son was 3 months old. Matthew still had a gaziki and could shout all night, I generally recall the first months of 5 as dark days. I did not have enough light, all the black I sometimes could not even look in the mirror, or remember at night that I did not eat any day. Then we had an extra fold on the priest, the surgeon said to forget about diapers and legs to fix, swaded. He did not crate with hands, all the time he suck chest. Well, the husband came from the flight and said that I had to find a job at home that there was not enough money, I had to save on the apartment and ..., I was not crying so much. Taking into account that I worked for up to 4 months to my son (on the decret as it should not leave), then just without strength. Then I certainly tried to explain, it seemed to understand. But ... still rolling with money. It seems that pregnancy planned and went to this 4 years consciously. An offensive girl.
Although it came from the flight and helps me with his son, the soul does not have the soul. But as it looks at me, with reproach that I should. It seems to be followed by yourself, I did not score in the weight, but on the contrary. I hope that this is all temporary.

He considers psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya. The modern mothers seemingly much easier for life - and to sit with a child, many are still hard. Why? What we were inherited from the former not very happy generations? How can we change the relationship with children to be all right? Are the work and children - things are incompatible? We continue to read the book "#Selfmama. Lifehaki for a working mother."

Big cities

Simultaneously with the industrialization was urbanization - the youth was shot and moved to the cities to learn and work. There, young people created families and gave birth to children, while grandmothers remained in the villages, sometimes thousands of kilometers from them.

In the village, the child grows as if by himself, runs somewhere, will see anyone after him, will help if what happens, or rolling, if it does not care. At the same time, from the smallest years, it is useful - Gusey Pasta, the grass is spinning, baby to download.

In the big city everything else. Behind the child in the city you need to "look". Especially when the urban quarters of the old type, with closed yards, begin to replace the bedroom areas - and now the child is not released on the street. The child does not attract the child - parents work outside the house. It remains the problem for a long time than extra hands, consumes the resource, but can not be useful.

It is not surprising that, moving to cities, people immediately begin to give birth to much less children, and those that are, have to be placed under constant leaving for specially hired (family itself, a corporation or state) to employees.

But even when the extremes of the industrial era, as a whole, went into the past, women lengthened leave for child care, changed the ideas of society about how "necessary", and mothers returned to babies, it turned out that even one-only child in a big city puts his mother In a situation with which it is very difficult to cope.

In four walls

Under life in a commensurate person of the world, in a large multi-solid family, among well-known neighbors, after the birth of a child, the life of a woman changed little. She had the same concerns, the same joy, the same circle of communication, the same routine of the day. Just somewhere near the child was, it was bored-fed, and they produced a little older to the courtyard to the courtyard to the courtyard.

In the world of the big city, the birth of a child is changing the life of a woman completely. Her day consists of monotonous and pretty boring for an adult class of classes: to lay, roll the stroller, lay out toys in places. She feels thrown out of life, and if before that he lived enthusiastically and diverse - as if stopped fornassed on the run and locked trap.

Mom writes:
Each time at the end of the summer, returning from the cottage, I understand how much it is easier for me with children. Just because they can go to the courtyard themselves, and there are no these long fees for a walk: one dressed, the other died, while I caught - the first sweat. Just because you can look after them, lying in a hammock under the birch, and not sitting on a stupid bench on the playground, and you can parallel to cook lunch and text to write. What you can shout TEM TANA through the fence, and she will not straighten without straining while I go to the milk for milk. What is all as well as they are dressed, and how I look like. That the stroller is not needed, no need to the elevator, you do not need through the road. Like the little things, and constant stress from them. What is not this crazy urban pace, which seems to not concern us directly, but still hurts. The city is good to be mobile and free. And with young children in the city you start to move the coils.

At the same time, there are no older children, nor old people who could be asked to take, play. And the woman herself also grew not in a big family, where she would have reached the majority with a dozen sister-nephew brothers, bringing many skills and skills to automatism, having learned to understand and feel the needs of the baby, imagining themselves, from the child of what age what could What should not be expected without seeing nothing complicated to be flushed, feed, distract.

No, this child can be generally the very first baby she holds on his hands. He is so small, so incomprehensible, and all responsibility - on it.

Even if the woman was lucky, and the love of the child came immediately and strong (and this happens not always), already by three-four months the first joy passes and all this starts to be treated. Then annoy. Then infect. Then drive crazy.

From questions at meetings:
Why do I sit so hard with a child? My five raised, erasing into the hole and winding firewood, I have all the amenities, and in the evening I am ready to sit under the door and whine, waiting for my husband - because I just can't stay with a child one on one, with this beloved beautiful child. I can not adagge and roll cars, I can not see Luntka and hear the sound of a musical toy.

Yes, here is this all listed above. Because a woman is not designed for this, no one has ever occurred to close a mother alone with a baby in isolation, unless it was evil weaves, cooks and tortow women bubary.

Because, most likely, and her mother was already hard, and she always heard that they would raise children - this is not a pound of Izyum, "Livities did not give birth" and anything.

As a result, "sit with the child", despite all the wonders of household progress, it became hard. It turned out that to break the models of the cultivation of children are easy, and then it is not so easy to restore. It is impossible to just "return where they got from", giving mom the opportunity not to go to work.

Maternal behavior - inheritance from parents

Often there are disputes about whether there is a maternal instinct. Whether it turns on automatically when the child appears a certain set of unconscious actions and reactions. Or we care about children as well as we realize what we do, and we can do it.

I think the answer lies in the middle. There is a lot of unconscious in prosperous maternity. You can go crazy if you think all the time and control yourself. But the models of caring maternal behavior do not get to us just when birth. We get them from parents.

One episode will never forget: when my daughter was about a year, she had not yet walked, I looked into the room and saw that she was engaged in a very strange thing. She had a basket with small teddy toys. The child sits on the carpet and produces a strange ritual. She takes a toy from a basket, pressed against her nose, then he spends her belly, and then puts close to the carpet. Takes the following, and everything repeats: face in her, to the stomach, on the carpet. When toys in a basket ran out, she again scored them and started again.

I stood, not breathing, trying to understand what a strange ritual, what's the point? And then it came to me that she just repeats the way I take her from the bed. So we take a child from the bed: Keep, press to yourself for a second and let go crawl. The basket looks like a crib. That is, she sits a year and works out how to take a baby out of bed. To someday, when it becomes necessary, I do not think about everything (we say: "intuitive").

That is, the unconscious parental behavior "start" in childhood with its own parents, like a spring. And through the years, in a situation where the former baby appears his baby, the spring begins to work.

And if it did not start it?

What does child care leave depends on

And here when you remember how our moms and many of us spent the childhood, it becomes very sad. In the USSR, only at the very end of the 60s were allowed to sit with a child up to a year with the preservation of the experience and place, but without payment. Someone could afford such a luxury if there was a husband or parents supported. And before that almost all (the exceptions were nomenclature families and some rustic) sent in Nursery two months old. And something I doubt that in these yawls, children kissed and pressed towards themselves, removing out of the beds.

Paid leave up to one and a half years appeared in the 80s, due to expensive oil and a decline in production: there were no money, and the jobs were missing. Then in the 90s, he actually disappeared - he became a penny. The childhood of today's young parents had to just for this period, when their mothers had to run in all possible part-time jobs in order to somehow bring ends with the ends. And the children were left on the grandmothers - the most grandmothers with military childhood, often or very tough, or anxiously distinguished.

In the situation of expensive oil and underdeveloped economy in 2000s, a relaxation was released again - vacation became more noticeable, and in this respect the situation in Russia is better than in some more developed countries. Today, most families in which there is a dad, can allow mom to sit with a child up to three years, and live modestly, but not the injignment. It is not known how much it will last, in the light of the discarding discharge by our state all social obligations. However, while paying impassable benefits to it is easier for it than to create jobs.

How to grow baby happy

It is thanks to this "used" period, young mothers got the opportunity to start remembering and restore the practices of infant cultivation. And it turned out to be not easy, since their mothers were simply nowhere to take models of natural, relaxed, joyful, without a feeling of "kathers", handickeys.

Therefore, many young mothers do not pour themselves. It is necessary to replace the missing models with knowledge "through the head", read books, ask friends, sit on parents on the Internet, contact specialists.

And all that consciously and consciously requires attention and effort. And motherhood "through the head" turns out to be tedious.

Mom writes:
I grew up on five days. Nobody is to blame, Mom climbed me alone, worked in the newspaper, sometimes they donated the number to the night. The kindergarten was far away, on Monday, we got up at six to catch, and long we drove on the tram. It was hot very much in the fur coat and wanted to sleep.
According to memories, nothing is terrible, just an understanding that it is necessary to count on yourself. What if described, you need to have a pajamas on the battery put, then no one will notice and do not spun.
Sometimes mom came among the week in the evening, brought fruit. It was the best.
But when his child appeared, it turned out that he was terribly infuridating his helplessness. When he cries, something can not, he does not know - just to nice ready. Is it really not clear that you need to suffer? We must try. Need to do correctly. What does he want from me? It seemed to me, he mocks just over me. And after all, I have not seen any connection until I started reading and listening to affection.

Not inherited? Well, it means that Mama-Selfmade will be. And dad too. They will learn themselves. They will recreate as restorers, lost or new, and their children will already be easier. For them, always and I want to work, write, act and advise, because people who make daily informed labor for those who love, for what they consider to be valuable and important, are the most interesting and cool people in the world.

I want in minutes when it is difficult when it seems that nothing does not work and you are a bad parent for your child, they remembered that this is not someone's wines, it's not they are bad parents and they don't have any wrong children . Objectively, we live on a fracture when old practices are lost, new are not worked out, and there are a lot of factors that make modern parents with complex and nervous.

You can no victims. How to take into account the interests of all

In the twentieth century, rich and at the achievement, and on horrors, it was questioned that the child needs Mom. By the end it became clear that the mother was very necessary for his child. That the relationship of a child and his parents is something that it is impossible to replace with any care, any toys, any developing activities, any toys.

Now it remains to find ways to satisfy the vital need for children in attachment, without turning their parents, primarily mothers, in the closed forever guilty victims.

It must be said that the same scientific and technical revolution that pulled out women from the kitchen and children, not only demanded, but also gave a lot and gives to relieve life. We have already spoke about diapers and washing machines, but there is a lot of other, not so obviously associated with child care.

It is more convenient and easier to care about clothes, until it reached perfect in the form of jeans - an ideal thing for a working woman. They can go in the car, train or plane, then, not changed, to hold a business meeting or a seminar, and in the evening there is a cafe or theater. You can go straight from work to the park with a child and a dog, and there to move with a child with a slide and crawl, not having fun, through a thick bush to get the ball.

And grocery stores? We would have seen these great great-grandmothers. Today you can be a good mistress, without knowing how to gut and draw the chicken, collect and clean the mushrooms, make cottage cheese and put yeast dough, not knowing that rice and buckwheat should be sought, and apples wrap in the newspaper to keep on the winter. You can buy already washed-cleaned-sliced, and if there is no time to mix and cook, there are completely ready-made dishes - just warm up.

And mobile phones? Now you can help your child make geometry, cook pasta or find ski boots in the storage room, while standing in traffic. Or sitting at a meeting.

Finally, humanity, which is very interested in our half of the brains, invented a personal computer and the Internet. Now you can write an article, negotiate, make a design project or make a balance sheet, at the same time feeding the baby's breast. And then send the job and get money for it, not descending from his hands. Conversely, you can tell him a fairy tale before bedtime and sing a song, being on a business trip at the other end of the world.

Household progress does not pick up: even if we strongly dinner, completely without diapers and the chickens do not remain. Rather, on the way to parents without sacrifice, our own stereotypes, prohibitions, prejudices are standing. And the first of them is the very idea of \u200b\u200bthe need for victims, that either a child or parents should suffer.

But life is not so primitive. There is always a place for solutions from which everything is won. You can always find a way to not choose whose needs to satisfy, and whose declaration of unimportant, and find an option that will take into account the interests of all. Maybe not perfect, but quite good.

The main thing is that something in the head changed, in the daily practices of organizing life, so that this dilemma is gone in the very choice of man and society: who to sacrifice, children or self-realization of parents, families or the interests of the economy. It seems to me that this is one of the tasks of today's parents of parents, and the next generation is to find such a way to live in order to remove this dilemma.

Sound passage is provided by the publishing house "Audiobook".

Author Lyudmila Petranovskayapedagogian psychologist
family Development SpecialistThanks to the authors for the article! Very vitally written, read as if about myself))))
For some reason, no one responded to the content of the article, everyone began to talk about money, as if an article about it.
We are not rabbits in fact, which the state should create the condition for reproduction)))) Chip up your children and love! And have them as much as you can grow decent people)))