How to learn to be happy in marriage? She believes that she deserves the best. Attention to the beloved wife

She looks at him, contempt pouring from her eyes and spreading around: "Yes, but at different times."

This little remark showed everything in the relationship of this married couple.

Long, happy marriage Q: Does this still happen? I think we have to wait fifty years to find out. Of course, no one should endure insults and stay married for the sake of "preserving the family." If the spouse insults and humiliates you, then in any case he has already violated the terms of the “contract” by this (remember that you swore to “love and care”). But the now common expression "a society of lost opportunities" can also mean that absolutely normal relationships are too quickly rejected on the grounds that they do not look ideal.

The irony is that the current obsession with "personal worth" - in other words, increasing one's own worth at the expense of others - has left more people who failed, sad and lonely. Marriages crack and burn brightly when old spouses are replaced with "new versions" that are, of course, always "better". It seems that the ideas of duty, obligation and responsibility are thrown to the sidelines - along with happiness.

A happy marriage is, first of all, health

Marriage may seem old-fashioned and faded like old ink, but repeated research shows that people who have lived a lifetime with one spouse - the happiest and that those who are married are statistically happier and live longer than those who are single. Do we know why some marriages are successful and others are not?

Today we already know what to avoid and what needs to be supported and developed in every possible way in order for a marriage to be happy and healthy. Of course, there are no perfect marriages, but there are a lot of happy ones. Difficulties happen in happy couples, but they have a constant sense of community: "we", not "you" and "I".

Stick to the following strategic rules (I mean both spouses) and who knows, maybe in 50 years you will tell me about all the medical and psychological benefits received and about the happiness that you have enjoyed all these years.

So, first of all:

1) Be Realistic About Your Marriage Expectations

Romanticism is wonderful, and seeing the best in your spouse is a sure way save love and closeness. However, you are going to be together for many years, so you need to be able to close your eyes to some of the imperfections of your spouse. In the first outbursts of passion, the object of our romantic attention may seem devoid of flaws, but later we discover hidden weaknesses for the time being. At this moment, in order to continue the marriage, we need to look further and deeper, to see that "behind" the partner's shortcomings and weaknesses, after all, no one is perfect. In family relationships, one cannot do without difficulty, but the expectation that everything will be easy, and that everything will always be “perfect”, leads only to disappointment (the fate of all unrealistic expectations).

Idealize your spouse as much as you can, but remember that he/she is only human.

2) "Sorry" shouldn't be the hardest word to pronounce

Have you noticed that some people never apologize, never admit they were wrong, and never say sorry? Noticed? Now, these people are much less likely to ever get married or keep it.

Surveys of married people show that people who are happily married are twice as likely to be able and willing to ask for forgiveness from their partner than those who are divorced or single. Surveys also show that happy couples are 25% more likely to ask for forgiveness first, even when one spouse feels only partly to blame. The more difficult it is for divorced and single people to apologize or make a conciliatory gesture, the more likely they are to remain alone.

Love and passion can bring a couple together, but compromise and respect keep them together. Learn to say sorry.

3) Drive riders out of town who are ruining your relationship

Some couples may fight every day, but remain happily married. Others swear less, but if they do, their relationship suffers greatly. What is the difference?

It's not about whether you swear or not, but about how You swear. This is what determines whether your marriage lasts for a long time.

There are 4 factors that destroy relationships. They are called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Here they are:

1.Contempt. The manner of address, grimaces of displeasure, curses and insults - in general, you show by your behavior that your partner disgusts you - this is "contempt". If all this is regularly repeated in the initial phase of disagreements, then there are only a few days left until the end of the relationship. Women who look scornfully when their husband says something are six times more likely to divorce after two years;

2.defensive position. "Well, what are you pestering me for? Don't look at me like that! What do you want from me?!"

"But I just asked if you want tea!"

Another important predictor of the possible collapse of a relationship is "exceeding the limits of necessary defense." If someone starts yelling as soon as the partner offers to discuss something, if at the same time it seems to him that he is being threatened or attacked, and if this happens regularly, there is a crisis in the relationship. The defensive position blocks communication and separates spouses;

3.Don't criticize, but be sure to compliment

Spouses who criticize each other run the risk of damaging their relationship so much that it will no longer be possible to “repair” them later ... This does not mean that you cannot express your dissatisfaction if your spouse upsets you, but criticism is much more destructive than making claims.

When you criticize, the attack goes to the person generally(even if you don't want to).

Dissatisfaction is directed only at a separate act and does not affect the personality of a person. For example, "You are a lazy pig!" implies that the person always just like that, and laziness is its basic, fundamental feature. There are no specifics and time limits, as in "I thought you were a little goofy today. This is so unlike you!"

Some people think that by constantly pointing out their partner's shortcomings, they "make him better." But even with good intentions, the consequences will not be good. If you criticize your spouse in public, then this is humiliating (for both), but when you say something pleasant about him in a company, it's just wonderful.

People in happy marriages feel valued, loved, and respected. Remind your spouse of his talents, strengths, and what you especially like about them. Nobody likes to feel under constant fire of criticism.

4. Self-elimination or "opposition"

Emotional separation of ourselves from a spouse - we "see nothing, hear nothing" when a partner expresses his claims - is another predictor of an imminent break in relations. Women are more critical, men are more prone to self-elimination. Men by nature are not able to cope with strong emotional stress, women have a clear advantage here. Therefore, men instinctively try to avoid quarrels and strong irritation and build protective walls around themselves.

Self-withdrawal can be expressed in the fact that the spouse “turns off” during a conversation or tries to “contact” with his wife as little as possible and thus arrange an “escape from prison” for himself. The danger of such a model of behavior lies in the fact that it becomes permanent, closing for the practitioner of it and the possible positive aspects of the relationship.

Everyone needs personal space, but never not reacting to the emotional manifestations of a partner, we leave him in the cold behind a closed door.

It is surprising that when at least one of these factors (or "horsemen") is regularly present in the "showdown", then the prospects for these relationships leave much to be desired. Are these "riders" present in your marriage?

What else can make your marriage happier?

4) Know what not talk in marriage

Young couples often want to "dig deep", find out "all the secrets", be completely open to each other and "talk everything". But studying the experience of older couples who have been happily married for decades, shows that in these couples often "lost ears" what was said when expressing negative emotions. These people also prefer not to pay much attention to their feelings about the relationship, unless they consider something absolutely necessary. This "threshold" here is much higher than for young couples.

So the typical advice from worried aunts to "tell everything" and "be completely honest" is not conducive to a healthy, long-term relationship. Accepting a complaint and knowing what topics to stay away from is one of the key skills in a relationship.

5) Work through problems, but stay in control

Another key factor in maintaining a relationship when there is disagreement is the habit of changing the subject when the discussion "goes off course". This rapid "switching" reduces the number of negative emotions and reduces the likelihood of "chewing" the same thing in the future. It also carries the message: "We can argue, but get along with each other. "Thus, the controversial issue acquires boundaries and does not ruins the whole relationship.

The controversy should be a "one-off special" and not a lengthy series. It's also important to laugh...

6) Laugh together, stay together

Regularly reminiscing about romantic times in the past and bringing them up in conversations ("It's really great we were then..." and "Do you remember...") is a very powerful way to maintain a spiritual connection. But laughing together regularly is even more powerful.

According to recent research, couples who laugh together and regularly reminisce about funny moments tend to be much more satisfied with their relationship. Create a "pantry for fun occasions" and go there often. Without fun, marriage dries up like a flower without water.

7) Provide 5 "good cases" for one "bad" case

For a stable marriage, you need five "good" to one "bad". "Good" - it can be a warm hug, and a pleasant day spent together, and a discussion of an interesting film, in general, something positive. "Bad" is a quarrel, disagreement or disappointment.

So make an effort to follow the 5/1 rule. It will get even better if you follow the following advice.

The better you know your spouse's tastes, his/her aspirations, who they like and dislike from work colleagues, and so on, the higher the quality of your "love map". Knowledge of the details of the external and internal life of a partner (while allowing some personal space) strengthens your bond. One colleague of mine didn't know the name of the company her (underestimated) husband worked for, and one man didn't know the name of their pet dog! (Much to his wife's dismay: "He's not interested in anything in the house!")

Adjust your "love map", put new objects on it to better manage your family ship.

Life in a happy marriage- this is one of the ways to ensure for many years satisfaction with your life for each of you. Follow these tips yourself and ask your spouse to read them too.

Each of us is sometimes visited by the question, are I and my loved ones happy? We will try to tell you how to determine whether your wife is happy. Check if your beloved woman has these 12 signs, then you can easily determine how suitable you are for each other. You can also find some useful tips that will make your sweetheart a happier married life after reading this article.

Every man wants his wife to be the happiest woman in the world. Below you will find several signs that the person is really right for you and you for her.

1. She loves being around you.

When you invite her to go on business with you, and she immediately agrees, even if you just go to the hardware store, pawnshop or the market for nails, then this is clearly a great sign. It might not happen every time, but if this happens quite often and you see that she enjoys spending time with you, then you can be proud of yourself. Unhappy women usually don't like spending time with their husbands.

2. She smiles at home

Happiness is reflected on the faces of women, they directly shine from the inside when they are pleased with their surroundings. If she smiles most of the time, then you can be sure that she is happy. This does not mean that throughout the day she should walk around the house smiling broadly - it would look, at least, strange. But if most of the time she is irritable and walks around the house with a frown, then, most likely, not everything in her marriage develops happily. Remember that happy people smile most of the time.

3. She loves your hugs.

When you hug her and she reciprocates, that is also a good sign. If your wife enjoys your hugs, then you have nothing to worry about.

4. Her kisses linger

This also speaks volumes. Of course, not every kiss should be that long, but they should happen regularly. When lips join in a kiss for a few seconds, this is a sure sign that she is enjoying the kiss. This makes her happy. Unhappy married women do not like kissing.

5. She likes to talk to you about different things.

If she likes to chat with you about what's going on in the world, a movie she likes, or anything you both enjoy discussing, including family matters, it means that she feels comfortable around you and enjoys your company. This is a good sign that she is happily married to you.

6. She thanks you

If you do something nice for her, and she thanks you for it, then this is a good sign. Showing gratitude means that she fully understands you and appreciates all your efforts that you make to please her. Happy wives always notice and express their gratitude.

7. She cooks your favorite meals.

There is a great deal of truth in the popular saying, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." If at least some of the time she tries to please you with her cooking, then this shows that by making you happy, she herself is happy.

8. She loves dating you.

It is quite normal and healthy if your wife goes out occasionally with her girlfriends. But if they are your first preference, then something is wrong in your marriage. If she loves dates with you (and you should ensure that they are), then you can be sure that she is happy with you.

9. She supports you when you are sick or in a bad mood.

If she tries to cure you as quickly as possible when you are sick, tries to make you feel better by preparing, for example, chicken noodle soup or some “delicacy” for you, then you are lucky. You have a caring wife. If she sympathizes with you when you are not in the mood, then you can be sure that she understands you. This is another form of showing support. Happy wives show concern for their husbands in this way.

10. She compliments you and tells you that you are beautiful.

Happy wives notice when their man looks good, and she will definitely tell him about it. This is a sure sign that she is happy with her Man.

11. She thanks God for you in her prayers.

When you pray and she cannot refrain from telling God that she appreciates and loves the man He has sent her, then you are in luck. Thanking God for you is one of the strongest proofs that she is happy with you.

12. Spending time with her makes you happy.

If you notice that, looking at her, you feel completely happy, then this is a sure sign that she is also happy. When it happens, don't hide it. Tell her about it. This will cheer her up and make her smile, and her smile is happiness not only for her, or for you personally, it is a sign of a happy family.

One day my client, having come to the consultation, said that she wants to be happy in marriage. She, her children and parents live in a big house, and she, like a loving daughter and mother, makes sure that everything is in abundance, and everyone is happy.

She works a lot, constantly finds new ways to make more money, does not know what a vacation is, and spends rare weekends cleaning the house or working in the garden, she gets very tired, but there is always not enough money.

All thoughts about how and where else to make money, these thoughts keep her in constant tension and do not give her the opportunity to relax and unwind.

She used to think that, having solved one financial problem, she would have time to rest, but now she has ceased to hope for it. Every day brings new challenges, and there are more and more of them.

And no matter how hard she tries to please her loved ones, they constantly make claims to her and express dissatisfaction, the meaning of which boils down to one thing: “It’s not enough, give me more.” It was as if the whole family had united against her.

And now one part of her, with her last strength, is trying to find a way to earn a lot of money and solve all problems, and the second has already given up and wants only one thing, to find a quiet place and hide from the whole world, problems, family. ?

It turned out that in an effort to make loved ones happy, she completely forgot about herself.

I forgot about my desires, needs, forgot how to dream. She does not have time, energy, money for herself at all.

When he allows himself to meet with friends, guilt does not allow him to spend this time with pleasure. She feels unhappy, unloved and useless.

And how you want to feel happy and loved! Wake up in the morning rested and cheerful, have breakfast and get dressed without haste, gently hug and kiss children and parents, hear the wishes of a good day and good parting words, and leave the house in an upbeat, joyful mood.

Do something that brings pleasure and satisfaction, feeling the importance of your work. And in the evening to return home with the desire to be with the family. Feel the care, attention and gratitude from loved ones. Rest assured, family is always on your side.

How to turn from an unhappy, tired person into a happy, joyful and generous one?

The most important thing is to want it and realize that we can only give what we have. And if we have not learned how to make ourselves happy, then we are unlikely to succeed in this with others. If we do not know how to take care of ourselves, then we do not really do it for others.

Start your journey to greater happiness with these simple steps:

1. Find what you can do to make yourself feel happier, and be sure to do it.
2. Set aside time just for yourself.
3. Replace the phrase "this is not for me" with "how can I do this!"
4. Pamper yourself.
5. Ask family and friends for help.

When you feel the desire and readiness to go further along this path, come to the training "Love and self-acceptance". Give yourself a world filled with love!

Article author: Svetlana Pochekutova

(Consultant psychologist, trainer at GRC Relationship Centers)

Building relationships is hard. Saving a marriage is even harder. This article is about how a man who was once married and is now divorced, at the cost of his marriage, learned to behave in a new way in relationships. And although his marriage would not save anything, he was able to learn from this and learned how to make his next marriage successful. How good is life if it has nothing to teach you? We have prepared for you 10 rules of how not to behave in marriage. Perhaps some advice will help save your relationship.

Think beyond yourself

Choose your words carefully. Harsh, unrestrained language is destroying your marriage.

If you distance yourself from your spouse and hide your feelings, this will lead to misunderstandings between you. Be more open.

When talking about your spouse's parents or family members, be careful and restrained in your language. Even if they really are not very good people.

Why do you need a spouse if you spend all your time on your phone? Put it aside, please, and make time for your loved one.

Don't move away from each other

Find an opportunity to put off work and other things and spend a quiet evening just the two of you. If you do not sometimes spend time in this way, sooner or later you will drift away from each other.

Do you always have to be right? Constant disagreement with other people's opinions and arguments will lead to the fact that your spouse will be unhappy.

Don't get in the habit of sleeping in different rooms or on different beds.

Frequent criticism causes dissatisfaction with each other. And resentment is not the best ally of marital relations.

Do not forget to say and prove by actions that you love your spouse, otherwise he will feel miserable and unnecessary.

Accept your spouse for who he is. Whether he's loud, quirky, quiet, or weird, don't try to change the person that he is and that you love.