How You Can't Punish a Child: Fatal Mistakes of Parents. Methods for encouraging a child. Explain the reason for the punishment

16.05.2019

No screaming or punishment. Let's try to figure out why this is not always possible for us, and find out what needs to be done to ensure that a peaceful and calm atmosphere reigns in our house.

According to psychologists, parents often fail to achieve anything with words, because they use the wrong methods of upbringing. Also, experts note that the temperament of the baby also plays an important role in this issue. Of course, there can be no advice in raising a child that would be equally suitable for each individual family. However, the basic rules, following which you can build the right relationship, you should know.

Age crises in children

Sometimes parents misidentify the reasons for their children. Moms and dads think that they are doing the wrong thing, in spite of prohibitions and in spite. It turns out that the cause of moods and tantrums in many cases is the age crisis, which marks the main stages of a child's growing up.

Stages of growing up of minor children:

From two to four years old. This is the age when a child first begins to show his character. He wants to be more independent than his parents allow. It is quite easy to avoid screaming and punishment at this age.
Seven years. At this age, children in many ways become independent of their mothers and fathers. The difficulty lies in the fact that a child at the age of seven can have authority besides the parents.
Teenage years. This period is considered by psychologists to be one of the most difficult in the life of every person.

The main rules of pedagogy

First of all, it should be noted that you cannot put pressure on your little children with authority and in every possible way try to restrain their independence. This is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you can bring up a fairly obedient child. But on the other hand, it also threatens that in adulthood he will not be able to take responsibility for his actions. The relationship between parents and children should be built on the principle of partnership.
Do not demand obedience from your child in the form of ultimatums and orders. It is much more correct to present your requests in the form of wishes.
Praise your child more often for doing good things.
Never raise your voice in a conversation with your baby, do not lose your composure and be calm.
Remember, you are the children's authority. Always be a positive example to them. Kids see the ideal in their parents and carefully observe how they behave in the family circle and among strangers. Before you chastise your child for violating any prohibitions, make sure that you do not violate them as well.

Learning to punish children correctly

Some parents believe that they cannot be brought up without punishment and screaming. They are sure that this is one of the components of the pedagogical process. In this case, moms and dads must clearly adhere to the lines of punishment. They should understand that revenge should never be the goal of upbringing, and follow some rules:

There should be absolutely no violence in a relationship with a child. You need to avoid even light slaps, supposedly as a joke.
Parents' requirements must always be consistent. You cannot treat the same child's offense differently at different times.
The kid should know that disobedience will have bad consequences.
You need to punish immediately after the offense. Actions that are taken later will not be taken properly and will become ineffective.
The punishment of children in the family should be temporary.
A bad deed should be discussed in private with the child.
You can't insult or label your baby. Condemnation is subject to a specific action, not the personality of the child.
Children should not be reminded of their past misdeeds. When discussing the child's punishment, talk to him only about what he has done wrong now.

To spank or not to spank a child at 2 years old?

It is especially necessary to deal with the punishment of a child under three years of age. Scold a baby or not, what to do with a naughty baby? Some parents, without hesitation, use physical force: they put them in a corner or slap on the buttocks. Other adults prefer to exert moral pressure on the child, for example, they refuse to read the baby before bedtime or do not allow them to watch the cartoon.

fair,
unfair.

A measure of influence is considered fair if it is a violation of the rules that the parents discussed with the child earlier. If the baby is punished unfairly, then as a result he gets a very strong resentment, and his parents - a deep sense of guilt. These are situations in which there is a lack of understanding of the meaning of punishment. Therefore, moms and dads should specify their requirements for the child as much as possible.

Also, parents often unfairly punish their children due to the influence of any situations that are not directly related to the behavior of babies. Adults must learn to control their psycho-emotional state. This will prevent children from getting confused by inconsistent parenting behavior.

The most tragic, according to psychologists, is the situation when a child is punished because he is unloved. If the parents find the strength to admit this, then they can try to correct the situation. Relationships with children of such parents should be based on a sense of duty.

Teachers never tire of repeating that the main task of moms and dads is to raise their children with minimal psychological trauma.

Child reward methods

The method of rewarding a child for good behavior is selected based on his age. So, the younger the baby, the more tangible the encouragement should be for him. You can give your child a new toy that he has long wanted, or play with him for a longer time. Older children can be encouraged to go to the circus or entertainment complex next weekend. The older children have a better sense of timing, so they will take this award correctly.

Punishment methods

When choosing methods of punishing a child, one must also proceed from his age:

Insulation. If the child is guilty, he is either put in a corner or left in the room. There should be no entertainment nearby so that the baby can calmly think about his wrongdoing and realize his guilt. It is very simple to calculate the time of this punishment: how old the child is, how many minutes he should be isolated.
Deprivation of pleasure. If a naughty child has committed an impartial act, then as a punishment it will be appropriate to deprive him of sweets or a favorite toy for a while.
Punishment of a child by a stranger. This method is very effective. Guys take criticism from outsiders to heart, so you can ask a stranger to talk about the dangers of bad behavior.
Scream. This method should be used only in situations that are dangerous to the health of the child. You can yell at the baby so that he stops the dangerous action. In other cases, you do not need to do this. The kid, most likely, will not understand what the essence of parental claims is, but he will master the style of such behavior perfectly and will apply it to you.
Severity. For some parents, it is enough just to look at the child sternly, as he already begins to reflect on his behavior. Excessive severity leads to the fact that the baby begins to lie in order to avoid punishment.

Each parent is convinced from his own experience that raising a child is one of the most difficult missions in a person's life. If adults have the knowledge of how to do it correctly, then it will be much easier for them to raise a baby in mutual understanding and love.

But the most important thing that should not be forgotten is that punishment should be for the good, and not in an outburst of emotions, only then it will be productive and help you bring up the best qualities in your baby.

How can children not be punished? Let's take a look at the top 10 mistakes parents make.

EXPLAIN THE REASON OF THE PUNISHMENT

Before you punish a child, you need to clearly and clearly explain to him what he was punished for. If the child does not understand what the reason is, your actions will be completely useless.

BE PRINCIPAL

Suppose, yesterday you punished a child for some minor flaw, and today you have already closed your eyes to it. There is, of course, an explanation for this: yesterday you were tired, you had a headache, and your boss also reprimanded you. All this layered like a snowball and you "exploded". Today, when passions have subsided and you are in a good mood again, you are ready to forgive and bear love.

Psychologists call this behavior "emotional swing", and it needs to be pruned, the sooner the better. In such situations, the child is lost and does not understand what he can be punished for and what not. Subsequently, this provokes stress and anxiety in the baby.

FORGET ABOUT PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT

Any physical punishment - this is violence, and in violence, as we know, there is no place for love. And although many of us were brought up with a "belt", this does not mean that we need to repeat the same technique in relation to our children. Plus, in all honesty, let's face it, this method has never produced the desired parenting effect.

Physical punishment entails moral and psychological problems in a child's life. Therefore, if the child is guilty, use more democratic methods that will make him realize his guilt. NOT

ORDER "FOR PREVENTION"

When you try to deprive a child of something “for prevention,” it will never work and will have no educational potential. Punish the baby only for real flaws and situations, the lessons from which he should learn. Everything else will only provoke resentment.

DO NOT TIGHTEN WITH PUNISHMENT

Do not think about the punishment a week after the kid is guilty. The punishment should immediately follow the child's action, only then will he remember what he was punished for.

SEND PENALTIES AND REWARDS

In no case do not take the gifts that the child deserves for his successes, for the fact that he is guilty at the moment! At the very least, this is not logical.

The child should clearly understand that gifts were deserved by good deeds, and if he is guilty now, he will not receive what he wants in the future, and will not lose what he has. Such a strategy will allow the child to take responsibility for his actions, his words, control his behavior and emotions.

NOT MANIPULATE YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS

Don't forget that the purpose of punishment is - analyze your behavior and draw appropriate conclusions. Under no circumstances should you humiliate a child, offend him or use emotional blackmail. In this case, the game is not worth the candle, since the manipulation of feelings will leave a mark in the child's soul much deeper than a simple punishment for a mistake.

DO NOT PUNISH PUBLIC

Punishing a child in front of strangers is very reminiscent of public humiliation in ancient Rome. If you decide to punish the baby, do it tea-a-tete, then it does not hurt his self-esteem.

DON'T DEMAND TOO MUCH

It is common for everyone to make mistakes, and sometimes parents also demand too much from their children, and the child does not understand what is expected of him. Consider the age and psychological characteristics of your child when you decide to punish him for the next, in your opinion, flaw.

CRITICISE THE ACT, NOT THE CHILD

Nobody wants to hear: "You are a bad person", because everyone makes mistakes. The transition to personalities hurts and insults very much, generates a feeling of resentment and rejection. But the phrase "this act is not very good" will not so much offend self-esteem, since it is not a person who lends itself to criticism, but only one moment of our behavior.

Some moms and dads use physical pressure, others ignore their offspring for a long time or put them in a corner, others deprive them of the promised privileges, while others generally leave serious misconduct without consequences.

Where are the exposure limits and what offenses should children be punished for? Many psychologists are convinced that it is impossible to raise a child without punishment, but they must take into account his age and the severity of the offense.

Experts advise remembering important rules for parenting, which should be taken into account when choosing the most effective and gentle method of disciplinary action.

Is it justifiable to punish children?

A child who is beaten up by moms and dads for any offense, constantly threatened to give to Babayka or a terrible wolf, is left in a corner or a dark room for several hours, often boycotted for a long time, you can undoubtedly be called unhappy.

Such methods of upbringing in the future will surely come back to haunt with a decrease in self-esteem, a feeling of distrust of the world around them, and dislike.

It can be said that such disciplinary methods used by some parents cannot be attributed to upbringing, in fact, this is ordinary cruelty.

However, absolute permissiveness is also not the best option. If a teenager or a younger child becomes convinced that everything is permissible for him and nothing will happen to him for it, then there will be no differentiation of actions into bad and good.

A very common question parents ask is how to behave if. A separate article by a child psychologist is devoted to this topic.

It turns out that punishment is still necessary, but this understanding does not save parents from mistakes. For some reason, grown-up children begin to remember how they were shouted at in front of everyone, they were unfairly spanked with a belt or put in a corner “just like that”.

Punishment must be effective - it is important that the teenager's behavior changes for the better and he understands that doing so is completely unacceptable.

Unfortunately, most children do not do something, not because they understand the futility or shortsightedness of their act, but because they are afraid of being caught and punished accordingly.

Adequate punishment, according to psychologists, has several important tasks, among them:

correcting dangerous or undesirable child behavior;
control over previously defined boundaries of what is permitted;
supporting parental authority;
compensation for damage caused by the child;
prevention of unwanted actions in the future.

Thus, most experts are inclined to believe that punishment is still necessary. It remains only to understand at what age to do it, for what and how to "punish", and how to demonstrate to the child that his parents still love him.

As evidenced by developmental psychology, toddlers under two years of age cannot grasp the connection between their misbehavior and parental discipline.

For example, Japanese parents do not punish children under the age of three at all. Until this period, literally everything is allowed to the crumbs. But after the age of 3 years, the child's life is strictly regulated, including penalties for misconduct.

Despite the age characteristics, strict and clear prohibitions should appear already in the life of infants, which, however, should not be supported by corporal punishment. For example, a child cannot beat his mother or stick his fingers into a power outlet.

Children of one or two years old also should not be punished. At this age, it is better for parents to use a simple distraction, transferring the child's attention to another object or phenomenon. You should also explain the undesirability of this or that behavior, intonationally highlighting the words "no" and "no".

For "retribution" to have a positive effect, it is necessary, regardless of the age of the child, follow some rules:

Follow the sequence... The punishment must follow the same deeds. Also, you should not ignore children's disobedience, even if you have no time or you do not know how to behave in this case.
Consider the severity of the offense... A little mischief or first-time misconduct should only deserve a warning. Bad behavior (malicious or willful) must be followed by a serious reaction.
Limit the length of punishment... Always provide the duration of the disciplinary action, or the child will soon lose the link between the offense and the month-long restriction.
Act calmly... First of all, you need to calm down, and only then approach the choice of punishment. Otherwise, inadequate measures may be applied.
Agree with your spouse... To exclude manipulation, you need to agree on all the rules, restrictions and punishments with your husband or wife.
Show a positive example... For a child to behave correctly, you need to show examples of the desired behavior. Politeness and honesty are welcome.
Consider the characteristics of the child... For example, a melancholic should be punished less severely (or in a different way) than a sanguine person. The age of the offender should also be taken into account.
Punish your child in private... This should be praised in public, but the punishment should only concern you and the child. Such solitude is necessary so as not to injure children's self-esteem.
Develop a ritual of reconciliation... It will be helpful to develop a special rite that will mark the end of the punishment. For example, you can read a poem, weave your little fingers. The latter option, by the way, is even good for health.

Another important and relevant piece of information that explains why. All parents need to know this!

Punishment is only a small and not the most significant part of raising children. It is imperative to reward the child for good deeds, thereby encouraging character traits such as kindness, politeness, and hard work.

Constructive methods of punishing a child

So, the basic rules for the application of disciplinary measures are known. Now it remains to figure out how to properly punish the child and which loyal methods of punishment can be incorporated into your parenting arsenal.

Deprivation of privileges... This method is especially suitable for a teenager. Restricting access to a computer or TV can be used as a punishment.
Correction of the committed... If the child intentionally painted the countertop with a felt-tip pen, hand him a rag and detergent - let him correct his mistake.
Time-out... The little "bully" is put in a separate room for a few minutes (one minute for each year). There should be no toys, laptop, cartoons in the room.
Apology... If your child has offended someone, you need to make him apologize and, if possible, correct the situation. For example, draw a drawing instead of a torn picture.
Ignoring... More suitable for small children, but this method should not be used too often. Refuse to communicate with a mischievous child, leave the room.
Gaining negative experiences... In some situations, you need to allow the child to do what he wants. Naturally, you need to make sure that the child does not harm himself.
Limiting communication with peers... In the event of a serious misconduct, it is worth imposing a "curfew" for a short time, limiting the child's communication with friends.
Empowerment... In response to his misconduct, his parents assign him “community service”. This can be an extraordinary dishwashing, cleaning in the living room, etc.

Do not forget about another effective method - censure and condemnation. Taking into account the age and severity of the offense, parents talk about why the child's behavior is wrong and what unpleasant feelings it caused.

Knowing how to punish your child correctly is really important. However, it must be understood that there are certain taboos when it comes to choosing disciplinary measures.

Inappropriate behavior by adults can lead to protests, learning difficulties, isolation and unwillingness of children to communicate with their own parents. Resentment can also spread into the future.

What are the extremes to avoid when imposing punishments? Experts advise avoiding a few kinks:

Humiliation... The disciplinary measure chosen must not in any way degrade the dignity of the child. That is, you cannot say that he is a fool, a fool, etc.
Harm to health... We are talking not only about flogging, but also about such cruel methods of education as squatting, pouring cold water, forcing them to starve. You also can't put children on their knees in a corner.
Simultaneous punishment for several mistakes... The correct principle is one "sin" - one punishment. It is best to punish the worst offense.
Public punishment... As already noted, punishment in public inflicts psychological trauma on the teenager or harms his reputation in the children's team.
Unjustified refusal to punish... Be consistent: if you decide to take action, keep your promise. Otherwise, you risk losing credibility.
Deferred punishment... You cannot make a child wait, suffer because of the expectation of an inevitable "punishment", imagine what awaits him. This is a kind of moral abuse of children.

In addition, restrictions and punishments cannot be applied as revenge or as a preventive measure. It is important to approach this process extremely carefully and thoughtfully. After all, the main task is to improve the behavior of the child, and not spoil the relationship with him.

Probably not a single issue of parenting methods of upbringing causes such a heated discussion as bodily influence on a child. Many experts strongly oppose such a disciplinary measure, but some parents still use it.

Usually mothers and fathers give the following argument as an excuse: "My parents beat me, and nothing - I grew up no worse than the rest."

Additionally, numerous Russian sayings and proverbs come to mind that approve of spanking. Like, hit the child while it is placed across the bench ...

However, opponents of physical punishment give other arguments that seem, perhaps, more "reinforced concrete". In addition to the fact that punishing a child with a belt is painful and offensive, one should also remember the likely results of such a method of education.

So, the consequence of the use of bodily influence can be:

injury to a child (due to excessive use of force);
psychological trauma (fears, low self-esteem, social phobia, etc.);
aggressiveness;
the desire to rebel for any reason;
desire for revenge;
spoiled parent-child relationships.

Thus, a father's belt is not the best way to raise children. Cruelty will certainly make itself felt, even if the problems do not appear now, but in the distant future.

For more information on how and to what disastrous consequences parental cruelty can lead, read the article by a child psychologist.

Many experts are convinced that it is worth distinguishing between cruelty and light physical impact on a child in order to stop unwanted behavior.

As an example, we can cite such a situation when a frightened mother in her hearts spanks her little child, who ran out onto a busy road and almost fell under the wheels of a vehicle. It is believed that such bodily influence does not humiliate children, but attracts attention.

As a conclusion

Punishment is an ambiguous method, therefore there are many opinions and judgments about the possibility and desirability of its application. It is necessary to summarize the above and voice the most important and useful thoughts.

There is no perfect child. A kid is a person who has desires that do not always coincide with the requirements of their parents. The result of this contradiction is punishment.
It makes no sense to punish children under 2 - 3 years old, because they do not yet understand the relationship between their act and parental influence.
It is important to consider the possible reasons for disobedience, sometimes knowing the motives leads to the refusal to use punishment.
You can not punish children for the desire to know the world around them, for the desire to help or careless actions. Malicious acts, however, must be punished.
All questions regarding disciplinary measures must be agreed with all family members.
It is better to use constructive methods of influence on the child, which should help to correct the child's behavior.
Physical punishment (if possible), threats, abusive actions should be abandoned. It is the offense that needs to be condemned, not the child's personality.

The question of how to punish a child for disobedience or serious misconduct must be decided independently by each parent. The most important thing in this situation is to choose the most constructive method that will help change the child's behavior.

However, one should not go too far with disciplinary measures. It is best to explain to the child without screaming and punishing why his behavior is wrong and how to behave in a given situation. Parental advice, spoken with respect, will surely be heard by children.

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Pgrove cannot be punished

Supporters of the humane approach deny any violence against the "tender" child's psyche. Such parents try to avoid any conflicts, minimize prohibitions, provide complete freedom of action, fearing to "crush" the child, to break his personality.

The result is predictable: adults begin to indulge all the whims of the child, and he - to experience tremendous anxiety from the uncertainty of boundaries.

Other parents have a "tightening the nuts" parenting style. In this case, the child's life is strictly regulated and limited by many rules and requirements. And any offense is inevitably followed by punishment, yes such, "".

There is, of course, a middle ground. The adults who found it believe that raising a child implies both positive influences (praise, encouragement) and negative (prohibition, punishment).

Child psychologists tend to lean towards the latter position. On the one hand, they recognize the inevitability and necessity of punishment in the educational process. On the other hand, in order to be effective and psychologically safe, it, according to experts, must have a number of features. What are these features?

To humiliate and intimidate for educational purposes is useless

First of all, parents need to understand what for they punish the child.

The psychological meaning of punishment is to show children the wrong behavior and to help them understand causal relationships. - this is a kind of "signal". He helps the child understand that his act provokes unpleasant consequences.

Punishment should never be aimed at accusing the child, humiliating his dignity, intimidation. It is important to remember: the actions of adults that cause fear and resentment in a child are completely useless for educational purposes, but they destroy trust in parent-child relationships.

What is not worth punishing

You must be clearly aware of what is allowed and what is not. The child must necessarily know what is permissible in his behavior, and what is categorically impossible. Only by setting the rules can they be enforced..

At the same time, an unintentional offense committed through negligence or ineptitude (accidentally breaking a cup or spilling water) should not be condemned.

It is also unacceptable to scold a child for his feelings, even the most "bad" (outbursts of anger, hostility or hatred towards a person). Since they have arisen for him, it means that there are grounds for this.

However, if you have outlined a circle of permitted and prohibited actions for yourself and for the child, and he deliberately demonstrates disobedience or violates your prohibition, then punishment is inevitable.

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Forbidden tricks

First, a few words about what not to do when raising children. Psychologists strongly oppose physical punishment. They insult and embitter the child rather than educate. And no one “for his own good” and “they beat me, and I grew up normal” can justify the cruelty of an adult.

You should not punish the child or, on the contrary, with silence.Screaming can seriously injure the psyche and serve as a source of numerous fears. You cannot rush to the other extreme - deprive the child of your attention without talking to him. Boycott is extremely difficult for children and is perceived as a serious threat to attachment.

And under no circumstances punish your child by threatening to stop loving him!“I don’t love you anymore” is an extremely dangerous phrase that literally destroys the whole world of a little man.

What then is to be done? Psychologists suggest the following punishment strategies.

Punishing a child: how?

Let your child face the “natural consequences” of disobedience... As you know, you learn from mistakes.

You should not overly protect the child (the key word here is "unnecessary", we are not talking about really dangerous things), he should acquire his own individual life experience. Is the son pulling the cat by the tail? Leave the moralizing on the topic "what is good, what is bad ...", believe me, the cat will stand up for itself.

It is more correct to punish a child by depriving him of what is good than doing him bad. Of course, you need to understand what is called "good" in this case. This is a certain "stock" of joys for your child.