Does the mother-in-law have the right to humiliate her daughter-in-law? How to get rid of feelings of resentment and irritation towards the mother-in-law? How to show a mother-in-law for offensive words
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has long been a talk of the town. The stereotyped confrontation between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law persists for hundreds of years in all cultures, without exception. It seems to the mother-in-law that the daughter-in-law does everything wrong: she does not take care of her son so well and does not play the role of a mother well. Of course, a relationship with a mother-in-law can be very difficult. A mother-in-law who offends you can pose a serious danger to your marriage and children. This article discusses the problem of mother-in-law's relationship with daughter-in-law. However, these tips can be applied even if the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law does not develop.
Steps
Part 1
Take a stand with your spouse-
Decide whether you will take decisive action without informing your husband. Your spouse may disagree with you. In addition, he may understand your position, but not rush to take any action. Therefore, you need to decide if you are ready to act without the help of your spouse.
- Ask your husband if he can provide you with the support you need without being directly involved in resolving the conflict.
- If you choose to act against your husband's wishes, it can lead to serious problems between you. If discussing the problem with your mother-in-law is very important to you, tell your husband about it. Perhaps he will be willing to compromise.
- If your spouse flatly refuses to acknowledge the existing problem, most likely, it will hardly be possible to solve it. In this case, you should contact a family psychologist together in order to maintain a good relationship between you.
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Try to understand the reason for the mother-in-law's behavior. Of course, it is difficult to do this if they insult you or your family. However, it is important to try to look at the situation from her point of view. Many mothers have a hard time letting go of their children, and they do not perceive them as parents.
- Chances are, your mother-in-law wants the best for your spouse and children (if you have any). Remember, your husband and children are what unites you and your mother-in-law. You may disagree with her actions and words, however, at least each of you has someone you love together.
- Pay attention to cultural differences. If you and your mother-in-law are from different cultures, this may explain the reason for the misunderstanding between you. However, cultural differences cannot justify abusive behavior.
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Play up the conversation with your mother-in-law. Your spouse knows his mother well, so you can play with him the situation of your conversation with his mother. Think about what she might have said in response to your complaint. This will help your spouse understand you better. It will also make it easier for you to come to a consensus with your husband about your relationship with his mom.
- Your husband may refuse to take part in preparing for the conversation. If he doesn't like your idea, you can ask him to just listen to you when you talk about different scenarios.
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Agree on an action plan. After you figure out the reason for your mother-in-law's behavior, decide with your husband what to do next. Both of you should be clear about your plan of action, and both of you should agree with it.
- You can schedule a conversation with your mother-in-law. Decide when and where you will interview her. Do you want your husband to be present? Who will be conducting the conversation? You can write a script of your conversation and write it down so that you do not say anything superfluous during a conversation with your mother-in-law.
- You may decide not to conflict with your mother-in-law, but simply spend less time with her. Decide together how much time you will spend with your mother-in-law and what topics you will discuss.
- Make a contingency plan. For example, if your mother-in-law asks you why you didn’t visit her over the weekend, you should have a ready-made answer to that question, agreed with your husband. You can honestly say, "We are not very comfortable when we spend a lot of time with you." You can also say, "We have been very busy lately." Discuss with your spouse how you can answer this question.
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Determine where your mother-in-law is being abused. Depending on your mother-in-law's attitude towards you, you should determine how to proceed. Remember that violence can take many forms, but they are not tolerated. If you have experienced abuse from your mother-in-law in the past, it is best if you talk to her frankly about it. If you continue to be abused by her, you will need to take more decisive action.
- If your mother-in-law mistreated your spouse when he was little, you can tell her that you know about it. You can also say, “I understand that this was in the past. It is not easy for us to deal with this, but we are determined to create a healthy atmosphere in our family. ”
- If your mother-in-law continues to abuse you or your children, you can tell your spouse, “I understand that you couldn't make a difference as a child. But now we must do everything we can to end this and protect our children. ”
Part 2
Set boundaries-
Be honest in your relationship. Be a sincere person. You should not pretend that you are good to your mother-in-law if this is not at all the case. Of course, you must be polite to your relative. However, if everything is not going smoothly in your relationship, you should not pretend that the problem does not exist.
- You should not consider the mother-in-law as a mother. She is your husband's mom, but not yours.
- Avoid touching that is unpleasant to you. If you feel uncomfortable, don't cuddle with someone who doesn't make you feel good.
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Be confident and ready to defend yourself. Some women, due to their shyness, are in no hurry to fight back abuse from their mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law says something offensive about you or your spouse, be prepared to defend your family.
- If you have children, make sure your mother-in-law knows and adheres to your parenting guidelines. If she refuses to do this, remind her that you are the mother of your children. You might say, “I know you have experience in raising children. However, we do differently in our family, and I want you to respect our right and adhere to the established rules if you want to spend time with your grandchildren. "
- If she says something offensive about you, you can say: “I don't like it when people talk to me like that. Please stop. "
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Limit the time you spend with your mother-in-law. You should discuss this with your spouse. Your spouse may decide to spend more time with their mom than you do. Your mother-in-law may ask why you are not giving her the same amount of time. Plus, she may be content to have the opportunity to chat with her son in private.
- You can tell your mother-in-law in advance that you will be spending less time with her. She may ask you what is the reason. Decide with your spouse whether to honestly answer her question.
- You can shorten the time you spend with your mother-in-law without telling her about it.
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Accept your mother-in-law's disapproval of you. If your mother-in-law has already shown her displeasure with you and your family, she is unlikely to change her mind. Remember, you don't need her approval.
- Tell me what you think. For example, if your mother-in-law says that your house is very small and cluttered with things, you can simply say, “We're happy to have a home. You may not like our home, but it suits our needs. "
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Set boundaries according to the situation. If your mother-in-law continues to be abusive towards you, you may need to stop communicating with her. Even if she doesn't act like that anymore, her presence can negatively affect you and your spouse.
- If your mother-in-law physically or sexually abuses your spouse when he was young, he may be opposed to rebuilding the relationship. Ask your husband if he wants to stay in touch with his mother.
- A psychologist can help you deal with the effects of childhood trauma.
- If your mother-in-law is physically abusing your family members, you should contact law enforcement. If you suspect or know that she is sexually abusive, you should contact the police immediately.
Part 3
Keep your distance- Change your place of residence by moving as far away from your mother-in-law as possible.
- If your spouse does not acknowledge that his mother is abusive towards you, invite him to visit a counselor before deciding to end the marriage.
- Divorce is a serious decision that should not be taken lightly. However, you do not have to tolerate violence to keep the marriage alive.
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Get help from a psychologist if needed. If you or your children are traumatized after talking to your mother-in-law, you may need the help of a psychologist, even after this woman disappears from your life. It can take years to deal with the effects of violence, even if you are already safe.
- Even if your spouse doesn't see the problem, you still have to reap the consequences of your mother-in-law's abuse.
- Children can be abused even if they are not aware of it. Make sure they can talk to someone they trust if they are being abused by their grandmother.
- If you have children, think about them first. Do they need protection from your mother-in-law? Should they communicate with her? Discuss these issues with your spouse.
- Discuss your mother-in-law's behavior with a trusted friend or counselor. Ask a friend or a psychologist if your mother-in-law's behavior is in fact cruel. Only then take decisive action.
Warnings
- Violence can take many forms. Do not allow any of them. The abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual. Neglecting is also a form of violence.
Talk to your spouse. Chances are, your husband knows about your relationship with his mom. However, he may not even know how deep your conflict has gone. In addition, he may not fully understand how serious you are about the situation. If you want to talk to your mother-in-law about her attitude towards you, let your husband know before proceeding.
Relations with my mother-in-law became conflicted when she declared and still stands by her that his wife should go to her husband's house to live. We had a small child (daughter) and I looked after my paralyzed mother and I delayed, saying that for now I'm not ready to live in a house. I LIKE LIVING IN MY TWO ROOM APARTMENT.
After some time, they left me behind and my husband began to live with us in my apartment. Our second child-son was born and he began to get sick already at three months old ... the mother-in-law again began to insist on resettlement The mother-in-law herself is a very energetic fighting woman, she loves to command and control everyone. As I understoodSHE was going to live in my two-room apartment with her disabled sister and her 12-year-old daughter.I kind of ignored it, because both have a comfortable apartment and they have somewhere to go to live. SHE TOLD ME AND THAT YOU WANT THE HOUSE IS LOST, AND I AM A LITTLE FRAGILE WOMAN ... DID EVERYTHING, INCLUDING WOMEN'S: POLOL BOTTOM IT.D.
I am not against the help of my mother-in-law, but with 2 small children it was not up to the garden with everything.
When I finally decided to give up for the sake of saving the family, in order to live with my husband, my mother-in-law said that it was too late ... and her sister and daughter moved to live with her, although they lived separately until then.
My husband lived almost with my mother .... rarely called .... he was rude. I tried to tell him that we were the same family, that mother needed help, but we shouldn't forget about the family either.
I was finishing my studies ... I had to pass my diploma, the money was needed 10 thousand ... before that, my mother's pension helped out, but she died, exhausted.
I turned to my husband for help ... HE SAID RUDE-TAKE A CREDIT. I EXPLAINED. THAT I AM IN THE DECREE AND I WON'T GET TO TAKE A LOAN. Apparently having discussed the issue with my family, [B] my husband answered my next call: We have no money to teach you. THEN EVERYTHING, WITH ANGRY, HAVE Brought ME THESE 10 THOUSANDS, TAKING MONEY IN FRONT OF THE SALARY.
it was already autumn .. and my husband still lived with mommy ... all the problems had to be solved by herself.
I FILED FOR DIVORCE, GIVEN A PROBLEM PERIOD. HUSBAND STILL COME TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND SAID HE WILL BE WRONG TO LIVE WITH THE FAMILY.
I CRYED, HOPED THAT EVERYTHING would work out.
I HAVE HANDED A DIPLOMA AND STATE EXAMINATIONS, HUSBAND ONE WITH THE CHILDREN WAS NOT REMAINING, ALWAYS DROP THE CHILDREN TO MOTHER.
Someone has no children, but God gave me another child, there was no divorce, my husband and I made up. WE HAVE A THIRD CHILD, one more son. SLAPPING ADDED. during the year we began to select a house for our family ... ... my husband was eager to live in a house, I was ready to sell my apartment. The mother-in-law set her son up to buy a house next to me, and this is an entirely different area of \u200b\u200bthe city. I’m tired of living at the behest of my mother-in-law ... WHY I SHOULD DO IT AS IT IS CONVENIENT FOR HER.
HOW HAS HUSBAND TOLD ME THAT THE MOLE GOT YOU HAPPENED TO EVERYTHING READY. I OFFENEDLY ANSWERED THAT I ONE 5 YEARS GOT THE DACHA AND DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF WITH A TAPE ... LET THE CHILDREN WALK WITH THE CHILDREN ...
THE MONTH OF MAY HAS COME AND HUSBAND ... HAS LEFT INTO MOTHER'S HOUSE TO LIVE BECAUSE HIM IS WORKING THERE ..
MOTHER STANDS THE GOATS AND IT IS NECESSARY TO TAKE CARE OF THEM ALSO ..
..yesterday I GATHERED TWO CHILDREN AND ARRIVED WITH A WHEELCHAIR (IT IS AN HOUR TO REACH) to the house TO HELP IN THE GARDEN. but it so happened that a small child, he was 9 months old, just did not want to stay with anyone and cried ... I endured ... but still went up to my child and took him in my arms ... why should I have him Then I went to feed him ... and then I had to put him to sleep ... in the new environment he somehow did not want to fit in ...
NIGHT THE CHILD WAS SLEEPING BADLY, WAKING UP, ROARING. IN THE MORNING I SAT WITH A CHILD IN THE CORRIDOR, SO NOT TO WAKE ANYONE ... because everyone loves to sleep for a long time ... AND THEN LEAVING THE LITTLE CHILD WITH THE LITTLE CHILD WITH HER SEWS (13) AND FOR PUMPERS ... I bought cucumbers and sausages for okroshka.
RUNNING INTO THE HOUSE, IT WAS ALREADY 10 AM, SEE ALREADY INSERTED INSERT
mother-in-law slept badly and FEELS was not in good humor in the morning ..
I told about the house that I was looking at for our family with Andrey. THE CUTTING STARTED A TALK AGAIN, THAT YOU WERE OFFERED TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE, AND YOU WERE REFUSED ... AND NOW IT'S MORE LATER ... THEN I CALLED A LENTYAYAIKA. I DO NOT DO ANYTHING. I EXPLAIN SO THE CHILD Cried THE SAME HE IS VERY ADDICTED WITH MOM ... I THINK. THAT I RIDE WITH A WHEELCHAIR IN STORES AND SPEND MONEY. THESE WORDS WERE SO UNFAIR .. I HAVE LITTLE ON HANDS AND THE OTHER CHILDREN WERE ALL NEVER YOU ... I asked her to calm down and I didn’t scream ... ... A LITTLE FEED WITH A MIXTURE ... OF COURSE MORE COSTS IF I CHEST FEEDED LESS MONEY. SILENE HER AND SHE WITH WORDS, IF I WAS YOUR MOTHER, I WOULD I fall out, grab a belt and whip me ... BUT I DIDN'T BREAK ... AND THE BABY WAS ON HANDS ...
a disabled sister came out of another room and also began to scold me, calling me arrogant and lazy.
I DO NOT CONSIDER THEIR RIGHT CHILD TILL A YEAR IS MOST IMPORTANT FOR MOM .. AND I FIRST OF ALL WILL CARE ABOUT THE CHILD, SEEING WHAT HE IS BAD.
they called me ungrateful mother-in-law remembered that I hired someone else's woman (I went to work for two hours), and paid her, but when her disabled sister, for some reason, nothing ... I didn't know that relatives also need to pay for driving with a child ..
THE MOTHER-IN-LITTLE SAID THAT WE WOULD LOOK AT YOU HOW YOU HAVE COVERED WITH THREE OF YOUR CHILDREN !!! I never dreamed of having such a daughter-in-law like you!
and that's all about me
I JUST HAVE NO WORDS.
At this time, it was already necessary to feed the child, I nevertheless got out to the corridor and there I calmly fed the child ... and then I packed my things and left with my daughter (4, and my son (9 MONTHS) in a stroller home. MIDDLE SON (3 YEARS OLD) ) \u003d DAD'S PET STAYED IN THE HOUSE. STAYED. They thought that I would obey them and crawl into the garden .. MOTHER'S SON "! I don’t want to live, but I need to live for the sake of the children. I hate my mother-in-law !! SHE WASTE MY LIFE! SHE always turns her son against me !!
1. "The daughter-in-law must obey the mother-in-law"
- the daughter-in-law is not obliged to obey the mother-in-law, she is an adult and a free person.
A mother-in-law who tries to bend her daughter-in-law under herself risks ruining relations with her son's family and not seeing her grandchildren.
The mother-in-law also thinks that since she “acquired a daughter” in the person of her daughter-in-law, she has the right to tell her what to do. But adult children are not obliged to obey the orders of their parents, let alone their own.
2. "My mother-in-law will be my second mother"
- if the mother-in-law is jealous of her son and is immediately opposed to the daughter-in-law, then there will be no friendship here. Cold neutrality at best. But, as sad practice shows, such a mother-in-law will do everything to ruin relations in a young family. In such cases, instead of suffering from the mother-in-law's dislike, you need to protect your family.
People can become a "second mother" and "daughter" when there is spiritual closeness between them. If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are alien "in spirit", then there is no need to suffer.
If a wise mother-in-law and a wise daughter-in-law are both determined to accept and love each other, then the chances of creating good relations are very high.
3. "You can't drag your husband into a conflict with your mother-in-law"
- if the mother-in-law humiliates and offends the daughter-in-law, then the husband is simply obliged to stand up for his wife, and not “hide his head in the sand”. That's why he is a husband, to protect his family, even from his relatives! Otherwise, how will a wife defend her rights as a wife before her mother-in-law, if the husband has withdrawn himself, or has taken the side of the mother?
Some things are better decided through the husband rather than directly. The husband is his beloved son, he can do what his daughter-in-law cannot.
4. "The daughter-in-law is bad and you need to" open your eyes to your son "
- if the son lives with her, then everything is fine. And what does not suit - let them figure it out themselves, do not meddle, otherwise you will be to blame. There are two options here - either he will move away from his mother, who speaks badly about his wife, or he divorces, he will suffer and blame you again. And yet, the husband often gives his wife the words of his mother, remember this, mother-in-law! And then you wonder why your son's wife doesn't want to know you. It's simple: who likes to hear bad things about themselves, and even from the mother of a loved one. By the way, criticism is often unfounded, just from the jealousy and envy of the mother-in-law.
5. "Young people need to be helped"
- help only if asked. Do not ask - do not meddle! Believe me, most of the “mother-in-law-daughter-in-law” conflicts stem from uninvited, imposed help! “I will teach my daughter-in-law to cook,” the mother-in-law thinks, and she is sincerely offended when the daughter-in-law snorts. The mother-in-law “wants the best,” this infuriates the daughter-in-law. And even if the daughter-in-law is a cook of the highest rank, then for the mother-in-law this is usually not an argument. The daughter-in-law is also unpleasant that her husband's mother considers her clumsy.
And everything is simple: learn to convey information so as not to offend another. If you can’t, it’s better to remain silent. My tongue is my enemy!
6. "Grandma knows best how to deal with children."
- what mother will react calmly to the fact that a grandmother is trying to take away from her the right to raise her child? The mother-in-law has already raised her, so give your daughter-in-law her legal right to be a mother. Learn to prompt carefully, or be silent.
7. The daughter-in-law should live with her mother-in-law and take care of her.
- only if the mother-in-law is bedridden. In other cases, living with a mother-in-law is a nuclear explosion. If you want to save your marriage, live separately. Learn from other people's mistakes!
ERRORS OF THE BRIDE
A daughter-in-law should avoid two extremes in her relationship with her mother-in-law:
1. Neglect the husband's mother
2. Try too hard to please.
And don't have expectations. You should not imagine how your mother-in-law will become your second mother, how you will become a big friendly family and will gather for the holidays. However, the initially hostile attitude towards the husband's mother is also nothing good.
Unfulfilled expectations - extra nerves!
Ultimately, it's great if you have peace and harmony with your mother-in-law at first sight, but as practice shows, alas, this is a rarity.
So, let's look at the extremes:
Mother-in-law - "Get out"!
The daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her.
A huge mistake! In addition to you, the beloved woman, he has parents, friends, hobbies, etc. Usually, jealous wives drive away not only the mother-in-law, but also friends from the husband. And it usually doesn't end well! (Exceptions, of course, are drunk friends, drug addicts, lovers of "going to the left", etc.)
However, if the husband really spends too much time with his mother, and the wife is alone with the children and the household, then what to do? Negotiate, communicate. Explain that now he is a husband and is needed by his family, agree on a schedule for visiting parents, say, 1-2 times a week (month), depending on the circumstances. To convey that now he is a husband and a father, and is responsible for his family. What does he want psychologically divorce mom, will separate. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal process of life.
So, dear daughter-in-law, I understand that the mother-in-law can be unpleasant for you, but if her actions are not out of the ordinary, you will have to endure. Congratulations on the holidays, ignore the teachings and whining "INTO my son lost weight."
Dear daughter-in-law! Believe me, not every mother-in-law is a snake and a monster, she just worries about her son as best she can.
Get into the skin of another person!
We're all good at judgments until they were in the place of another person... And we will behave even worse than he did.
We would have walked as many roads as he did, we would have cried a sea of \u200b\u200btears, knocked our feet into the blood ... and we would have started talking differently!
Imagine that your beloved son will grow up, get married, and his wife will turn up her nose from you, in every possible way to drive away from her son and ignore. Nicely? Yes, it is clear that the young want to separate and live on their own, but will you forbid the mother's heart to worry? You have taken care of him all your life, and now they tell you - "leave me alone, don't go in." You call to find out how they live, and they send you. You are to your daughter-in-law with all your heart, and she is to you "all backwards"! Yes, the mother-in-law can be wrong, unnecessarily intrusive. Well, forgive her for that, she is an elderly woman who has only one son in her life! But when grandchildren appear, grandmother will be happy to sit with them, and you can relax.
What to do, daughter-in-law? And, for example, buy tickets to a theater, a conservatory, an exhibition, give it to your husband - let him bring your mother into the world! Let the son devote this evening to his mother, let him give her roses! Let them be together, let the mother-in-law feel that they care about her, love her. The husband is so with you, and the mother is lonely. Let him go to visit her, take her grandchildren, grandmother will rejoice, and while you go to a beauty salon or just sleep. If you, daughter-in-law, find it difficult to communicate with your mother-in-law, then congratulations on the holidays and polite greetings when you meet are enough. This is her husband's mother, so let him communicate with her.
The other extreme, which the daughters-in-law go to, is that the mother-in-law tries too hard to please.
This desire is usually based on the "good girl" complex who wants to please everyone and everything. This is the right path to neurosis, because as you know, you can't please everyone. Everyone loves this gold and diamonds.
In addition, the daughter-in-law, who is trying her best to please her mother-in-law, is usually simply not sure about her relationship with her husband and is trying to get his mother as an ally. The daughter-in-law does not admit her lack of confidence.
Overly diligent daughters-in-law completely forget or do not know that building good relations is a two-way process! What, if a person has decided not to love you and does not want to communicate with you, then there is little that can be done... If the mother-in-law is immediately disposed negatively towards the daughter-in-law, then at least break yourself into a cake, but you will not be good for her! Rather, on the contrary, the mother-in-law will intuitively feel the daughter-in-law's strong desire to please her, and will manipulate her. The relationship will boil down to the fact that the daughter-in-law will try to please, and the mother-in-law with a grin will follow her attempts - "well, come on, let's see what happens." This is usually called mockery, but they also mock those who allow themselves to be mocked.
Respecting others and trying for them is a good thing, but you also need to respect yourself and try for yourself! And if you are like a dog, "bring slippers" to your mother-in-law, do not be surprised at the bad attitude. Although she also loves domestic dogs, the harmful mother-in-law loves much more ...
"Legs up and on the back ..."
Have you seen how two dogs meet - a big one and a small one? The little one immediately on the back, legs up, shows the tummy. In animals, this is a posture of submission, and the stronger individual feels his superiority. So, a too diligent daughter-in-law begins to dance in front of her mother-in-law on her hind legs, immediately gives her the place of the mistress of the house, and then wonders why her mother-in-law is in charge. From the very beginning, the daughter-in-law puts herself wrong, and then complains that the mother-in-law suppresses her.
You yourself understand how you put yourself, so it will be. By the way, people respect strong personalities and are afraid of them.
So, dear daughters-in-law, be on an equal footing, respect yourself and do not be offended.
The fact that the mother-in-law is older and she is the husband's mother does not mean that you are lower in rank!
On the contrary, the wife is more important to the husband than the mother. Wise mother-in-law understand this and do not pretend to be the son's wife (otherwise it smells of incest). And our legislation confirms this - the wife is the first heiress, not the mother-in-law. The Bible also speaks about this - “two flesh in one”, “the husband will leave his parents and cleave to his wife and there will be two as one).
Live separately
One of the “best” ways to ruin your relationship with your mother-in-law for the rest of your life is to move in with her. And you never know what she says there that "there is enough space" and so on. The mother-in-law either herself does not understand how difficult it is, or she wants to quarrel with you. So, if you are not a thick-skinned elephant - do not move! Believe me, everyday conflicts alone will be enough to ruin your life. And what about the banal maternal jealousy? The son stops paying attention to his mother, and the mother-in-law (often lonely) begins to be offended and jealous.
In addition, at the age when a woman usually becomes a mother-in-law, her menopause begins. And this is emotional leaps, hormones are raging, feeling unwell. A woman becomes nervous, negative character traits intensify, and then you are also a living reminder of the mother-in-law of her bygone youth, and a commotion in the house. In addition, the elderly are very difficult to tolerate strangers in their space. Although you are the wife of her son, but for the mother-in-law, a new one, and in fact, is still a stranger.
So, if you want to save your barque - rent at least a small room on the outskirts (it's not expensive), but separately!
Forget about borders
What are communication boundaries? This is when you immediately make it clear - how you can behave with you, and how you can not. That is, there is a line that you do not allow to cross. For example, someone doesn't like it when strangers touch him. And someone doesn't care.
Immediately show the mother-in-law where she should not go (for example, she begins to ask about sex with her husband, she simply crawls into your bed). It is better not to let your mother-in-law into your family's financial affairs, your plans, etc.
So, if you want your mother-in-law to get involved in all your affairs, then:
1. Dedicate her to all
2. Allow me to interfere with everything
If the mother-in-law begins to teach and impose, for example: "You are doing wrong, you have to do THIS!", answer: “And my mother taught me how to do it!”.And that's all, let someone dare to touch your mother.
Take the dirty linen out of the hut
Complain to everyone that the mother-in-law is a bitch, and the "good people" will immediately pass it on to the mother-in-law. War!
But, you can always speak out so that it does not go further. A good psychologist, an anonymous helpline, a confession from a priest to help you. But complaining to her husband's relatives, acquaintances, neighbors about the mother-in-law - 100% that they will pass on to her, and even in a perverted form.
So, dear daughters-in-law, remember:
- live separately!
- make your husband your ally
- you will never be “good” for everyone. To please everyone - from the realm of fantasy.
- be yourself, boldly express and defend your opinions. Love yourself.
- respect yourself. Don't let yourself be insulted and bullied. If the mother-in-law does this, stop communicating with her, this is your right.
- if the mother-in-law is adequate, treat her with respect, even if you do not like her. You don't have to like her either.
- provide the mother-in-law with elementary signs of attention, gifts, - everything that allows you to build good relations in general with any person, and not just with the mother-in-law.
Hello! I have a very difficult and incomprehensible situation in my family. Problems with the mother-in-law. I married a loved one. The husband turned out to be a good father, he helped in everything. The mother-in-law, who lived at that time with her husband's brother, her other son, sold her apartment and gave him the money for trading, and passed on to us to live.
On the very first day, she made a scandal, which came out because of what. Exhausted by insomnia, I washed the diapers and prayed that the children would sleep longer, they still needed to have time for them to cook, wash and iron dinner for adults. The mother-in-law, who loved to chat with her friends, at that very moment began to call them. I asked her to speak a little more quietly, very politely, without any clues. What started here! She shouted: “I am the same as you, mistress, and do not h ... tell me! Higher children, so that my son can be milked, he will be in slavery all his life! " And the children woke up crying. I took both in my arms and began to walk around the room. In the evening, my mother-in-law began to slander me to my husband, crying that her life would end in a nursing home.
My husband, a gentle, kind person, at the sight of his mother's tears, began to get nervous and reprimand me that, they say, it was possible to give in to the old man and not bring the matter to tears and abuse. He asked me not to forget that this was his mother, etc. When he left for work, and I stayed with my mother-in-law and children, she, as I now understand, very subtly played her thoughtful game. She said nasty things, insulted. Looking into the pot, she announced: "Soup called b..wotin" or so: "My g ... oh looks better than what you cook."
She told my husband something completely different in her room, moreover loudly so that it could be heard. I understood that her lies would anger me. She said: “I don’t know, Sasha, I don’t know how to please her. I wash the dishes and wash the diapers, I call her "daughter", and she answered me: "What kind of daughter am I?" I swear to you, she never called me daughter. Only "lousy skeleton" or "zas.anka". But how can I be complete if I'm like a squirrel in a wheel, spinning all day with two children? Before pregnancy, I was stout. The question is not even my offense, as I am in appearance, this is what I am, but that I can be left alone with two one-year-old children because of her.
My husband changed a lot to me, began to drink. It is not clear where he spends the night, and the mother-in-law begins to feel sorry for him when he comes: "My unfortunate boy, they brought you, you run out of the house." Once again, my husband did not come to sleep. Having suffered with the children, upset by Sasha's absence, I went to my mother-in-law. She lay with a cigarette and read a love story.
“Please, let's talk,” I said. In response, smoke in my direction and silence.
- Nina Pavlovna, don't you feel sorry for your son Sasha, if not your grandchildren? He hadn't drunk at all before. Well, what should we share with you? Let's make up, I beg you. I love Sasha, I have no one but my family. I don't remember my mother, please replace her for me. You are getting old, anything is possible, I will never refuse to help you. Only you can help me now. I am on the brink, I can no longer understand anything, how I fly into the abyss.
Here she told me:
- I'll stand up to my throat in blood and, even if you give birth to five more children, I won't let Sasha live with you.
But why? What did I do to her? And how can I be? Thank!
TheSolution therapist's answer:
When your mother-in-law was intriguing against you - this is sign number 3 from Pathological deceit (deceit, deceit, intrigue)
When she spoke out loud to your spouse that she calls you a daughter, she treats you well, but in fact it was different - this is a pretense of feelings, in other words - hypocrisy. These are, respectively, signs No. 1 from the checklist of signs of psychopathy: (deceptive charm, hypocrisy) and No. 6 (Superficial emotions, feigning feelings)
When the mother-in-law said, in response to your sincere request for help and reconciliation, “I’ll stand up to my throat in blood and, even if you give birth to five more children, I won’t let Sasha live with you” - these are signs number 5 (this is an inability to experience higher moral feelings - compassion, empathy, regret, guilt and shame); No. 7 (callousness, cruelty, lack of empathy, coldness, contempt, inattentiveness towards other people) and No. 21 - thinking over and applying behavioral strategies for the purpose of deceiving and misleading. Misleads your husband, of course.
When your mother-in-law offends you - this is sign # 11 from the list: poor behavioral control (violent expression of negative feelings, verbal abuse and inappropriate and unacceptable ways of expressing anger)
Your husband is facing the daunting task of caring for his mother: she is apparently not very healthy mentally.
It is advisable for you to talk with your spouse, having thoroughly prepared, explaining the problem to him. Perhaps he has not heard anything about personality disorders and mental illness, and does not suspect that his mother's behavior is very abnormal. Moreover, he may not believe in her ability to hypocrisy. Try to gather evidence of her problematic behavior (secret videos and audio recordings) to show your husband what is really going on behind his back. Perhaps he, too, will be concerned about the mother's mental health and consult her with a good psychiatrist. You, as family members, have the right to write a statement to the district psychiatrist at the place of registration with a request to examine your mother-in-law.
If you read the article about it, you will see what happens, and there are psychopathic syndromes (similar to psychopathy), which are a mask for serious mental illnesses (for example, schizophrenia). Only a psychiatrist can distinguish this, and not immediately. Sometimes he observes a person for several months when he sees a state bordering between psychopathy (personality disorder) and schizophrenia. They have different thinking disorders. In any case, the aggressiveness of such people will have to be adjusted with pills. And what pills you need to drink and in what situation - this can be said by a psychiatrist. Find out from a psychiatrist whether it is dangerous to live with her, what pills she needs to drink with an increase in aggressiveness.
If your mother-in-law is diagnosed with a personality disorder, then you and your husband will have a hard time.
Psychopaths need compliance from loved ones. They do not have sensitivity, morality and morality, their goal is exclusively financial gain. In your case, you will have to understand what is its material benefit? What does your mother-in-law really need from you? And do not rely on conscience, psychopaths do not have it. Psychopaths can harass loved ones for selfish purposes, such as an apartment, registration, or money. If you say that your husband is soft and compliant, her goal may be to manipulate him. Maybe - make it so that you can live at his expense, putting you and young children out of the apartment after a provoked divorce. She doesn't have her own apartment.
If she turns out to have something like schizophrenia (or another mental illness from this spectrum), then she will need to make sure that she does not miss taking pills. It is important to track this so that the personality defect does not grow and the strangeness in her behavior does not increase. Perhaps you will have to deal with the issue of her separate residence (in a separate apartment or house) and daily supervision from your side and from your husband.