Parents' meeting on the topic "How to behave with an aggressive child? Reasons for childish aggression." How to reduce the manifestations of child aggression. Maintaining the child's positive reputation

22.05.2019

Parents who are confronted with the aggressive behavior of their children often panic. The question that most often worries them is: "What to do, how to react when a child starts screaming hysterically, falls to the floor, beats, bites"? To do this, you need to try to understand the reasons for the aggression.

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Consultation for parents

"Child aggression: how should parents behave?"

Aggression is a normal manifestation of the child's psyche, which is practically uncontrollable at an early age and is associated with the growing up of the baby and his formation as a person.

The reasons for child aggression can be anything and it is especially important for parents to be able to understand them so that aggressiveness does not become a habit.

Psychologists distinguish two main groups of causes of child aggression - internal and external.

The internal includes the characteristics of temperament and the nervous system, personality traits, to the external - the conditions of a particular situation, the influence of society and the environment.

Let's try to systematize the most common reasons that cause aggression:

Physical punishment.

The child will always want revenge on you if you spanked him or yelled at him for bad behavior (through screaming, biting, protesting). After all, it is foolish to try to wean children from aggressive behavior with the help of aggression itself. Then the child, naturally, will transfer this model of behavior to others.

Stress and fatigue.

Often the cause of aggression is physical discomfort, overwork, or intense anxiety. And children "let off steam", throwing toys, stamping their feet, falling to the floor, screaming.

Restriction of physical activity.

Spending most of the time in a confined space, when children are prohibited from running, playing outdoor games, jumping, cannot avoid a natural response to the restriction of motor freedom.

Styles of upbringing in the family.

When children are severely punished for any manifestation of aggression, children hide their emotions in parental presence, but this does not guarantee the absence of emotions in other situations. Conversely, the reason for the aggressiveness can be parental excessive compliance, insecurity, and sometimes helplessness in relationships, when children cannot feel completely safe. Children can use disobedience and aggression to attract the attention of loved ones.

With fatigue, hunger, fright, restriction of freedom, psychological pressure, a child can "flare up" in one second.

Aggression in a child is expressed in different ways:

He fights
-bites,
-beats parents,
- speaks offensive or rude words
- hurts himself - beats his head on the floor, bites himself, scratches,
-he does not compromise with friends, does not concede to anyone in anything,
-he loves negative characters (Kashchei, Babu-Yaga), tries to imitate them, does not notice positive characters.

What to do with childhood aggression?

What can parents do in such situations to control the emerging “unconscious I” of the child; how can you get rid of child aggression?

You cannot deliberately deny that your children have aggressive tendencies. If an "evil dinosaur" was born inside your baby, then you need to try to pacify him. In general, in pedagogy and psychology, there are many educational methods for the negative behavior of children.

First of all, you must let the child understand that you always love him, no matter what he does, that you understand his feelings, that you accept him even when he cannot cope with himself and when he fights, or spoils the surrounding things in anger. ...

You can even say: “I understand why you are angry (offended). I would be angry about that too. But let's figure it out together (make up), etc. " Sometimes even such a remark will help the child to master himself. Let the child understand that everything is all right with him, that “mom will help!”, “Mom is near!”. But at the same time, you can also be angry, show your resentment, but only in a civilized way, setting an example.

To help your child get rid of unwanted behaviors, teach them how to express their emotions. Each time, restraining his aggressive emotions, your baby "drives" them inside. Make eye contact with your child, look at him calmly and let him talk. At the same time, find out the cause of the aggression and eliminate it as soon as possible. After that, explain how you can express evil emotions in a different way - in a positive way, set a positive example, a pattern of mature behavior. By the way, try not to touch children in moments of irritation, they should not feel anything.

Try to transfer negative feelings to non-dangerous objects - pillows, rubber balls, rubber toys, a piece of soft log, a dartboard, a “screaming cup”, sports equipment, etc. Let the child direct anger not at people, but transfer it to inanimate objects, splashing it out in a playful way. This method is especially useful for timid, insecure children, but not acceptable for overly open.

It is necessary to take into account the inadmissibility of frequent prohibitions and prevent the disruption of the child's activities. You will not be able to forbid children to do something all your life, your authoritarian methods of parenting will be especially pronounced in adolescence. It is better to lay in children the mechanism of self-education and self-control from an early age, let them get into the habit of analyzing their own actions from the point of view of good - bad, perceiving bad actions as manifestations of weakness. In addition, if constantly prohibited, you can develop an inferiority complex in children and discourage any desire to engage in any independent work.

Teach your child to smile and relax at the moment of aggression. Talk to him about how evil and ugly "byaks" people become in a fit of anger. - You can teach him how to remove aggression with the help of a pillow fight, you can choose a stuffed toy and call it a funny name "Boo-Boo", and say that you can't fight, but there is Boo-Boo, who loves to play "pushing".

To direct the child's aggression in the right direction and let it splash out, psychologists advise playing certain games where this negative behavior can be controlled. Both parents and children in the kindergarten can play these games. The more time you have, the better: at first the kid will play for a long time in "Salute" and "Stubborn Lamb".

"Callouts"

Mom and child stand opposite each other and throw a ball to each other. When a child throws, he may call mom a "offensive" word that is actually allowed, for example, "You are cabbage!" - "And you are a tomato!" etc.

Have your child knock the dust out of the pillow. Let him beat her, scream.

"Pillow fight"

Put on some fun music, grab some pillows and fight them lightly. But parents must clearly establish the rules - do not hit with their hands, do not shout hurtful words. If the rules are violated, the game stops.

"Snowballs"

Invite your child to crumple sheets of paper and toss them at each other.

The child tears the paper and throws it up with force. Then they all take the trash off the floor together.

"Ball, roll!"

Place the tennis ball on a flat surface. The child is offered to blow it off so that it rolls along a given trajectory. Psychologists consider games with the participation of respiratory elements to be the most effective.

"Hurricane"

Sit in front of the baby and invite him to blow you away. Let him draw more air into his lungs and blow on you properly - at the same time, mom pretends to resist the flow of air.

"Stubborn Lamb"

The kid lies down on the floor and straightens his legs with force, into the air or hits them on the floor. For each blow, he can say "No!"

"Football"

Child and adult play football with a pillow. You can take it away, kick it, throw it - the main thing is to follow all the rules.

Give your baby a “fabulous massage” by telling a fairy tale or a life story and at the same time patting him on the back.

Give the child a piece of paper and ask him to draw the squiggles. By the force of pressing the pencil and the degree of "sweeping", you will see how gradually the tension will disappear. Then you can “violently” tear the “evil” paper together.

In general, each parent is free to choose the style of raising their children, because all children are unique. The main thing is your desire to raise children good and kind and your creativity. And remember, where there is love, there is no place for aggressiveness. Love and patience!

Hello dear readers of Maryvlada's blog! Agree, it's alarming to see anger on a child's face. Sometimes it manifests itself so unexpectedly and inappropriately that if you do not know what caused it and how to act, you can get into a very unpleasant situation. It’s also good if you don’t feel ashamed in front of others.

School behavior
Tips for parents

Aggression is not unique to adolescents, although this is the most talked about now. Teenagers do not become overnight, it is our children who grow up and it still starts from preschool age. That is why it is worth knowing to us, as parents, what leads to the development of such behavior and take time to coordinate the manifestations of our children.

Behavior in preschoolers and primary school children

Aggressive behavior in children can be observed even at an early age. When very young, he can bite you, in the kindergarten your child can push or even hit other children, and at school, dissatisfaction can already take extreme forms. It is important to determine what moments are part of age-related behavior, and what becomes a developing pathology and how to behave when the child is aggressive.

When your toddler decides to try his or her teeth on you, respond correctly. There may be several reasons: the baby is tired, his parents do not understand him, from resentment or simply by attracting attention. What's the use of shouting, waving your hands, it's enough just to make a stern face and intonation, to say the words of prohibition that are accepted in your home, for example: "No-no-no!" or "Ay - yay - yay!", "You can't."

Having received a strict restrained reaction of discontent a couple of times, the baby is unlikely to be interested in continuing to bite you, because he cannot manage you.

When a kid at the age of 5-6 years shows open aggression towards others, parents are perplexed, and begin to blame the kindergarten, educators, maybe so. However, consider whether it might be worthwhile to sort out the situation at home? Children often copy the behavior of parents and relatives, yelling and swearing are the basis of children's consciousness.

Which leads to negative behavior

Not only parental aggression in the form of action leads to non-standard behavior, but also verbal, i.e. in the form of a word. Intemperate swearing is present in the speech of many adults, even if it is not directed at the child. This behavior sets a certain order of communication, which children perceive as the norm. This form of aggression is often the most difficult to deal with.

Of course, it is better not to lead to the manifestation of aggressive behavior on the part of the child than to deal with its various forms of manifestation. Only an adult loving person can cope with childhood aggression. Pay attention to yourself, watch your speech, exclude obscenities, shouts, remember - cruelty, gives rise to cruelty!

If everything is calm in your family, you should pay attention to the immediate environment in the kindergarten, in the yard. Find out if he is experiencing fear and constant anxiety. Teach the kid to give an account of his actions, to remember about other people's feelings, tell him: "Do not do this - he is hurt, offended." Also teach your child to apologize for their actions.

There should be a supportive and calm atmosphere around. Do not give in to emotions, remember that this behavior is temporary, with your right attitude, everything will take up to 6-7 years.

School behavior

Often, the behavior of children changes dramatically when entering school or with a change in class. And as always, everything has its own reasons:

The child is offended (features of constitution, speech, other nationality - the reasons may be the most unexpected). Even non-standard clothing can attract unnecessary attention and, as a result, ridicule. On the one hand, there is a large children's, uncomplicated collective, where everyone is looking for his place in the class hierarchy, and tries by any means to win the approval of the teacher, and then classmates. On the other hand, the busyness and inattention of teachers who themselves involuntarily cause conflicts and do not try very hard to to repay.
Family problems. Employment of parents, when their attention is so necessary for a child in a new situation for him. The problems of divorced parents are also often reflected in children and, as a result, in their behavior.
Mistrust on the part of parents, brothers and sisters, as well as jealousy of one of the family members.
Dissatisfaction with the inability to manage your time. Often even communication with friends comes to naught among children of primary school age in favor of the lessons done, new sections and circles. In first grade, it's best not to overwhelm your child with new activities. Studying already takes a lot of time and effort.

What affects the manifestation of aggression

The most interesting thing is that both excessive freedom and excessive custody affect children equally badly.

In the first case, the child is deprived of the opportunity to see clear boundaries, good or bad, and moves chaotically in his behavior, as if "groping". Nobody knows where this will lead, first of all, it is unknown to the parents themselves, if they conduct such an experiment.

My son had a classmate with whom they were friends in elementary school. A boy is like a boy. Normal, not enough stars, did not cause problems. His mother did not work, stayed at home and did the housework. This I mean that the family is quite prosperous and well-off. Mom and Dad went to parent meetings together.

And yet, something alarmed me. Yes, the boys went to visit each other. But when it came to "walking", strange things began. And it's good that when my son started asking for a walk with him, I asked "where are they going?" The answer was strange from time to time: "to the trash heap", "to the market." Children are 9-10 years old.

Of course, I did not let go, while talking with my son "what can be done there" and fantasizing on this topic. Then their friendship ended, but in the classroom they began to speak louder about the "exploits" of this boy. It turns out that the parents gave the boy freedom, they did not ask where he was, what he was doing. At the beginning of the week, they gave out pocket money, which should have been enough for pens, notebooks, lunches and his own needs.

So they wanted to teach him how to spend money skillfully and be responsible for everything himself. Where do you think he spent them? Needless to say, for the lack of pens, notebooks, atlases and outline maps, he began to regularly receive deuces. In studies, he slipped rather quickly, began to be rude to teachers, to fight.

Self-doubt grew. As a result, after the eighth grade, he went to college, because he could not pass the exams in the 9th grade. There he did not finish his studies either ... But his parents wanted the best ...

Excessive guardianship also prevents them from developing their own line of behavior, making their decisions. Remember the Feature Film "Striped Happiness"? If you haven't watched it, be sure to look. Funny and instructive. And you can watch the whole family.

There, an extremely active grandmother with all her ebullient energy is engaged in raising and educating her grandson, plus she runs the household. At the same time, in her opinion, neither the grandson, nor the daughter, nor even strangers have the right to their own opinion. Everything changes when the boy rescued and brought into the house a street tabby cat. With his help, the complete re-education of the grandmother begins. There is something to laugh at, but situations are often recognizable ...

Psychologists have long noticed that the most effective way to cause problems is to deprive your child of attention. It is very important for children that their parents notice them and spend time with them. Deprivation of communication is a punishment that can be considered one of the most severe. The main thing is to explain your behavior to the child.

For example, if a child hit his mother, then she must tell him that it hurts and unpleasant for her, that it is impossible to behave this way with anyone, and if the child repeats this action, then the mother will not want to communicate with him. You need to talk to the child in a language that he understands, he should be aware of what the mother is unhappy with and why.

The purpose of this punishment is not humiliation, but explanation, so you should not be too harsh with the child and not communicate with him throughout the day. For a child, a day is an eternity.

Some parents believe that if a child starts to fight, then you need to give him back so that, so to speak, he was discouraged. However, this cannot be done, because children take an example from their parents and if mom and dad raise their hand to their child, then, accordingly, he will consider this an absolute norm and continue to act in the same spirit. Then the question is "how to remove aggression?" you need to ask the parents.

Why do children start to get aggressive?

This behavior is mainly typical for children in whose families physical influence is considered normal. If parents are constantly shouting at each other and can even raise their hand to the other, then you should not be surprised that the child behaves in exactly the same way.

The reason for the fights can be constant criticism of the child, it is important for him that not only his failures are noticed, but also his successes. Praise should not be forgotten in the upbringing process, but it must be deserved. Then the question of how to restrain the inadequate behavior of your offspring will not be relevant.

If the parents are constantly busy with something and do not pay enough attention to the child, then he can begin to attract their attention with help. Moreover, he will not even be afraid of punishment, because it is important here that mom and dad just notice him.

Children also grow up to be overly aggressive, in whose families there are too many prohibitions and to whom the parents are too strict. The types of aggression are different and in order to prevent them from developing, you need to understand:

How to reduce manifestations of child aggression

Children, like all people, should be able not only to transform, but also to release excess or negative energy. Here's what to offer:

You can go to your room and beat a pillow or punching bag.
Jump or run well, sports sections in this case can be a good prevention, besides, they have a good effect on character development, if only the coach is good.
You can shout loudly into a special "scream bag".
You can draw your grievances and tear them into small pieces.

Healthy water games that will soothe

Pouring water from one container to another.
Fishing is possible even in a basin. And there is also a board game "Fishing" without any water, but with a magnet.
Launching boats. It is possible in a basin or in a puddle on the street. You can make different boats out of paper, or you can adapt the shells of nuts.
Bathing and playing with the waves, only parents need to take care of the waterproofing of the floor in advance.
Throwing pebbles into water bodies in different ways. Boys love to throw flat stones almost parallel to the surface of the water and watch them bounce several times. Tournaments can be held here.
In general, water has a good effect on the nervous system - any water. From an aquarium with fish to swimming in a pool or mini-pool in the country. It is only important to monitor the safety of games and be around all the time.

Games with sand, plasticine and clay

Building castles and cities from wet and wet sand. It's on the street.
At home, you can involve children in sifting flour, while you are sorting out the cereals, they can draw various patterns in it.
Or you can buy special colored sand and make various compositions out of it.
It is useful to use fine motor skills for calming and creativity. Modeling from plasticine and clay will also make it possible to make unprecedented outlandish toys.

In any situation where the child is angry, the parents must remain loving and consistent. Their patience and attentive attitude towards their child will allow not only to avoid uncomfortable ticklish moments, but also help to develop the skills of correct behavior among people.

The parents themselves will not have to be ashamed and hide their eyes in an unpleasant situation. You just need to very carefully direct the "bangs" of your child into a peaceful channel, then there will be no "little aggressor", but there will be a lively, mobile, very active and sociable person nearby.

Tell us, how did you pacify your rebel? I look forward to your stories in the comments. I would be grateful if you share the information you like on social networks.

On this today I say goodbye ..

Many parents, trying to eradicate any hint of aggression in their child, tend to deal with superficial symptoms and ignore the root of the problem. As a result, the situation is aggravated even more.

Causes of Childhood Aggression

Often, aggression is the result of frustration when a particular need of the child is not satisfied. A child who is hungry, lack of sleep, feeling unwell, feels less loved, less desired, perhaps rejected by his parents / peers - may become aggressive, which will be expressed in an attempt to cause physical or mental harm to himself or others.

It is quite clear to many parents what a “condition suitable for the upbringing and development of a child” is: a child must be fed, dressed, shod, provided with circles / teachers, etc. on time. Such a concept as "lack of parental love and care" is puzzling.

Meanwhile, many children lack love in the family due to the parent's inattention to the child's own desires, as well as due to numerous quarrels between parents, divorce, illness or death of one of the parents, and due to physical and / or psychological abuse.

A child, in pursuit of parental love, uses physical force against younger and weaker brothers and sisters, or exerts psychological pressure on them in order to assert themselves. Later, he will learn to apply the new skills he has acquired in a circle of peers.

How does child aggression manifest itself at different ages?

The founders of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, Melanie Kline and others, wrote that aggression is an innate instinct. An example of this can be seen when babies from an overabundance of love begin to beat their mother. It is important to stop this behavior, and explain with the words "Mom hurts."

Over time, in the process of upbringing, the child learns to cope with internal aggression using psychological defense mechanisms such as sublimation, expression of his aggression on paper, or projection, the transfer of internal aggression to others and the perception of them as aggressive people, etc. Or it can translate aggression into constructive activity.

So, in an attempt to avoid the manifestation of aggression, your child suddenly begins to actively clean the house, selflessly learn a new piece on a musical instrument, play sports, etc.

In early childhood, the manifestation of aggressive behavior is considered normal, but with age, it becomes unacceptable. The child must learn to express his feelings in words and the young aggressors become professionals of the epistolary genre. Physical aggression smoothly transforms into psychological attacks. From the age of 10, a frequent form of aggression in schools towards a child is a boycott.

Types of child aggression

There is an overt manifestation of aggression - when your child shouts or pounds her protest. Children and adolescents who do not know how to openly conflict and express their disagreement and discontent, conflict in a latent form and often their aggression leads to self-destruction.

An example of such latent aggression at a younger age can be problematic behavior with peers: a desire to subjugate another, inability to come to a common solution, an unwillingness to learn, do homework, encopresis (fecal incontinence), casually thrown phrases about unwillingness to live, abdominal / head pain (although tests carried out in the clinic show that the child is healthy).

In adolescence, latent aggression is manifested in the fact that a guy or girl finds it difficult to build healthy relationships with peers, experiences bouts of jealousy, is unable to respect the desires and decisions of another person.

Trying to cope with internal stress, a teenager may begin to use not entirely healthy methods of struggle, in an attempt to “forget”. Alcohol, drugs, early sexual activity, cuts on parts of the body, anorexia are used. Unspoken frustration, resentment, and frustration can lead to depression.

Does a particular parenting style affect children's aggressiveness?

During many years of work as a family psychotherapist, I drew attention to the fact that parents, by their upbringing, shape not only the behavior and worldview of their children, but also program their future.

I remembered a joke:

In Dr. Freud's office.
- Doctor, my son is just some kind of sadist: he kicks animals, substitutesfootsteps for elderly people, tears off the wings of butterflies and laughs!
- How old is he? - 4 years.
- In that case, there is nothing wrong, it will soon pass,
and he will grow up to be a kind and polite person.
- Doctor, you have calmed me down, thank you very much.
- Not at all, Frau Hitler ...

Different families use different parenting styles. Some parents set too tight boundaries, they don't know how to communicate with the child, and the goal of parenting is complete control and obedience. Trying to be a good boy or good girl at home, the child is forced to express all his dissatisfaction in the garden or at school, often in an aggressive manner.

There are parents, on the contrary, who are overly sensitive to their children, they often listen to them, they are afraid of offending the child's feelings, so that God forbid they injure them.

Over time, it becomes more and more difficult for such parents to set limits in upbringing, to limit their child. The inability of such parents to build a framework and permissiveness lead to the fact that the child feels stronger than his own parents, that he can do anything, begins to show aggression towards his parent / brothers / sisters and towards peers.

In families where there are two or more children, parents can probably remember that having given birth to a younger one, there is not always the strength and time for an older one. But, if parents systematically ignore, do not notice the older child, then he begins to feel "transparent" (children say). And in order not to experience this heavy internal stress, the child's behavior becomes impulsive, aggressive, with frequent mood swings. Thus, according to the children, "THEY SEE."

The correct upbringing strategy is that parents openly show love with words, gestures, affection, are interested in the life of their children, are sensitive, notice if something is happening to the child and try to comfort him. These parents are in control of their children, but they also know how to trust. A child who grows up in a family with healthy communication will use aggression only for self-defense. He will be able to express any dissatisfaction in an open form, in words.

Aggression towards parents: reasons and what to do?

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in our society. More and more often I deal with families where a child insults and beats his parents. This causes tremendous suffering for both the parent and the child who feels like a monster. In this case, the parent needs to learn to set limits in upbringing.

Do not wait for the aggravation of the situation, suppress unwanted behavior immediately. How do you know when to stop unwanted behavior? Believe me, you will feel it yourself. As soon as the child's behavior gives you discomfort, you, as a parent, are obliged to stop it with the words: “It is unpleasant for me” or “I do not intend to continue the conversation in this form,” etc.

Respect yourself and this will teach your child to be sensitive to the needs of other people, to respect their personal space. A child who has been taught to respect his family members will certainly treat those around him with respect and outside the family.

Aggression towards peers: reasons and what to do?

There can be several reasons for aggression towards peers. The child may not have enough parental attention, or the parent has a clear preference for his brother / sister, or the child is simply spoiled and unscientific to respect others, and perhaps is going through a difficult period in his life, in case of illness, death, or divorce. In each case, a different approach is applied.

A family therapist, observing the dynamics of family relationships, is able to diagnose a problem and find an appropriate solution.

Differences in aggressiveness in boys and girls

We talked about the fact that aggression is an innate instinct, both in boys and girls. The manifestation of aggressive behavior, of course, differs in boys and girls, depending on the accepted norms in society. If the conflict between the guys, turned into a fight, is perceived normally, then the fight between the girls can cause serious bewilderment, both among peers and among the older generation.

In the process of evolution, girls have learned to use not physical, but verbal aggression, including intrigue and manipulation. It is very rare that boys become the organizers of a boycott; usually it is the prerogative of girls.

Does childhood aggression go away with age?

No, children's aggression in no way goes away with age, so it is important to learn to accept aggression, and not fight it. Many, over the years, learn to listen to themselves, their bodies, to be aware of their aggression, to accept it, realizing that this is a transient feeling. By expressing our pain / frustration / disappointment out loud, we learn to deal with this feeling.

An adult who does not know how to correctly conflict, express his disagreement, will subconsciously express his inner aggression towards his husband / wife with increased jealousy and / or an affair on the side. This person is not able to respect the wishes of another person and will actively impose his opinion and his will.

At work, this can be expressed in intrigue, manipulation of others, or abuse of power.

How to correct the child's aggression? What should the parents of an aggressive child do?

First of all, it is important to understand whether the child's aggressive behavior is the norm or pathology. Mothers who are unable to perceive the aggressive behavior of their son turn to me, meanwhile, at a young age, up to 6 years old, it is absolutely normal. While it is difficult for a child to express himself verbally, he expresses this through behavior.

Learn to talk to your child. Explain that when he is angry, he may vent his aggression on an inanimate object (pillow, mattress).

Enroll your child in the sports section for a healthy expression of aggression. It is advisable for the child to choose it himself.

Hug your child more often, show your love and care. Teach your child to talk: about your joy, about your pain, about your experiences. A child who receives psychological support from a parent is able to verbally express his feelings. He will not have to express aggression in other ways.

How to deal with an aggressive child

In the usual sense, aggression is a reaction to a breakdown.
some activities, plans, restrictions, prohibitions
or unexpected difficulties. In any case, the purpose of such behavior is to remove the listed obstacles. And the most common reason parents worry about their children’s behavior and conversion
children’s aggression is what comes to the experts.

By the way, the strongest manifestations of aggression are characteristic of children, and young children. Children's aggressiveness usually increases throughout preschool age and only by the age of seven (normally) declines. Psychologists associate this with the fact that by this age the child is already learning to resolve conflicts in other ways, he already has the experience of "letting off steam" in play situations, they become less egocentric and better understand the feelings and actions of other people. But this is normal. If the aggressiveness of your child, as a habitual reaction to obstacles and prohibitions, does not decrease, but only gains strength, then there is cause for concern. A lot during the period of childhood aggression (up to 6-7 years old) depends on the reaction of the parents to it. And here our kids need help and understanding rather than severity and punishment for behavior unacceptable from the point of view of morality.

As numerous studies have shown, the reason for this behavior is always a lack of attention and understanding on the part of adults. But with their behavior, small aggressors only push others away from themselves even more, and their dislike only intensifies the protest behavior of the child. After all, it is the hostile disapproval of others, and not internal difficulties at all, that in most cases provokes the child, arousing in him a feeling of anger and fear. In fact, the behavior that we call antisocial is a desperate attempt by a small person to restore social connections. After all, as a rule, before the outbreak of obvious aggression, the child expresses his need in a milder form, but we, adults, do not see, do not hear and do not understand this.

Should I be punished for violent behavior?On the one hand, research data show (and our everyday experience says the same thing) that if a child once managed to achieve what he wanted by aggression, adults gave in to him, then he will continue to resort to this method to achieve his goal. But punishment for aggression also leads to the same result - to its strengthening. After the punishment, the child, perhaps, will stop, for example, fighting in the yard or spoiling things in the house (at least in the presence of someone who can punish for it), but this aggression driven inside will certainly manifest itself somehow else: not at home, so in kindergarten, not in the form of a fight, but in the form of offensive nicknames addressed to peers. Aggression, finally, can be directed at oneself (the so-called auto-aggression) in the form of a desire to hurt oneself, inventing all sorts of hard-hitting stories about oneself, etc., etc. That is, punishments for aggression do not reduce, but, on the contrary, increase its level. After all, if you think about it, punishment is the most striking example that adults can only give of this very aggressiveness, an example of the fact that it is quite suitable as a measure of influence. All of the above does not mean that you should not react to the child's attacks of aggression.The so-called "behavioral therapy", the "stimulus-response" rule, is quite suitable here. Let the child know that you do not like his behavior and you reserve the right to deprive him of, for example, watching cartoons or going to a cafe or walking with friends. But only this should not sound in a directive form, explain to the kid that any of his actions entails consequences, let him know about it. But at the same time, do not forget to celebrate with praise or encouragement any achievement of the child: he helped a friend, immediately obeyed his grandmother, did something good, and so on.

And one more important rule , which the parents of a child prone to aggression should know: he needs to be discharged, it is necessary to teach him to get rid of the accumulated irritation, to let him use the energy that overflows him for “peaceful purposes”.

It is imperative that your child has as many opportunities as possible to discharge the accumulated negative energy. For active, aggressive children, create conditions that allow them to satisfy their need for movement. This can be group sports sections, and a sports corner at home, or just permission in a certain place (in a sports corner, for example) to do what you want, climb, jump, throw a ball, etc. As a rule, aggressive children do not know how to express their feelings, they suppress them, drive them inside, do not speak, do not try to understand. The result is inevitable breakdowns at home, with loved ones, in a familiar environment where the child is used to relaxing. This does not bring relief to the child, he feels guilty, especially if he was punished for it, hence even greater breakdowns in the future, and the next breakdown will be even more violent and prolonged.Invite the child to stay alone in the room and express everything that has accumulated in the address of the person who angered him. Let him know that you do not intend to eavesdrop under the door and then punish him for the words spoken. If a lot has accumulated, allow the child to beat the pillow or sofa, tear the newspaper, write on paper all the words that you want to shout out, and then tear what is written. You can also advise your son or daughter at a moment of irritation, before you say or do something, take a few deep breaths or count to ten. And you can also offer to draw your anger, then most of it will remain on paper. There are many ways. The main thing is not to think that something bad is happening to your child, for which you need to scold and punish.

Remember:
little aggressors
need your understanding,
advice, willingness to help,
not anger and punishment.

We have already discussed the nature of child aggression in this article. Today we'll talk about how to behave correctly with an aggressive baby.

Increased aggressiveness of children. What are the reasons?

Family communication difficulties. This is when with a child - only about business (lessons) and almost never about the mood. Parents do not have positive emotions with their child. You can have time to talk while washing the dishes, and find time to solve the crossword puzzle together. But very often families function rhythmically exclusively for business. There is a name for this: "emotionally cold parenting."
Inattention of adults to the neuropsychic state of children (fatigue, instability to stress, demand as from an adult);
Difficult childbirth, leaving consequences in the form of features of the functioning of the child's brain. Aggression, inattention, chronic depression of mood.
Mass media, film and video industries that regularly promote the cult of violence.

It is especially important to help preschoolers, whose aggressiveness is only in its infancy. This allows timely action to be taken.

Intervention for aggressive manifestations

Calm attitude in case of minor aggression. When children's aggression is not dangerous and understandable, the following strategies can be used:

completely ignoring the reactions of the child / adolescent is a very powerful way to stop unwanted behavior;
expression of understanding of the child's feelings (“Of course, you are offended ...”);
switching attention, offering a task (“Please help me to get the dishes from the top shelf, you’re taller than me”);
positive designation of behavior (“You are angry because you are tired”).

Aggression is natural for people. Children often use aggression just to draw attention to them. If a child / adolescent is showing anger for understandable reasons, you need to allow him to react, let off the "couples", listen carefully and turn his attention to something else.

It is important to focus on actions (behavior) rather than personality.

To draw a clear line between action and personality - this gives the child hope that next time it will be easier to understand himself. After the child has calmed down, discuss his behavior with him. Describe how he behaved, what words he said, without giving any assessment. Critical statements cause irritation and protest, and lead away from solving the problem.

When pronouncing the child's behavior, it is important to limit ourselves only to what happened “here and now”, without recalling past actions. Otherwise, the child will have a feeling of resentment, and he is unlikely to want to change. Resentment is stronger than the desire to be good. Instead of “reading morality,” it is better to show him that aggression harms him most of all. "They will be afraid of you ... It's not interesting to play alone." Give instructions on how to behave in such a situation without fighting and swearing.

It would also be good for adults to learn how to be a “sensitive mirror” for a child. Just to voice his actions and feelings, so that he realizes when he sees himself from the outside:

statement of fact (“You are behaving aggressively”);
ascertaining question (“Are you angry?”);
disclosing the motives of aggressive behavior (“Do you want to offend me?”, “Do you want to demonstrate strength?”);
to indicate your feelings (“I don’t like being spoken to in such a tone”, “I am angry when someone shouts at me loudly”);

Try to stimulate humane feelings in such a child: have mercy, pet cats and dogs, take care of animals; Draw the child's attention to the sad, depressed state of the other person and stimulate the desire to help.

If this does not help, teach the child to be responsible, - to "work out" his aggressive behavior ("Now go, apologize" - "pat on the head" - "shake hands" - "offer a toy to the child offended by you", etc.). P.).

an appeal to the rules (“We agreed with you!”).

The child must understand that the parents love him, but against the way he behaves.

Control over your own negative emotions.

It is very important for parents not to "get infected" with aggression in such a tense conversation. And this means that the tone of voice, the look should be steady-calm. Try to carefully control your righteous anger, resentment, fear, or helplessness.

This is what allows you to maintain a good relationship with your child and shows how you need to control yourself.

Typical adult mistakes that increase tension and aggression:

raising your voice, changing the tone to a threatening one;
demonstration of power (“It will be as I say”);
aggressive postures and gestures: speaking through clenched teeth;
sarcasm, ridicule, ridicule and mimicry;
negative assessment of the child's friends;
use of physical strength;
drawing strangers into the conflict;
notations, sermons, "moral reading",
punishment or threats of punishment;
generalizations: “You are all the same”, “You, as always ...”, “You never ...”;
comparing a child with other children is not in his favor;
excuses, bribery, awards.

Some of these reactions can stop a child for a short time, but the destruction of self-esteem is far more harmful than the aggressive behavior itself.

To be continued…