Jealousy of a man for a woman's past psychology. What if your man asks you about past experiences? What to do with the jealousy of a loved one

01.05.2019

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Good day. We are 29 years old, married, have a child. As is typical for this problem, my wife is the first and last in sex, she naturally had a relationship before me, and this is what keeps me from living. I am angry with myself for not having time to see her during, so to speak, to be her first and last, did not have time to fence her off the problems that were, so that she would not experience the humiliation and pain that the grooming gave her. I am angry with her for giving them her love and herself, her body and soul. For those who are not worthy of this, I understand that there are many good people on earth with whom you can build relationships and have sex, I understand that she was looking for a husband, wanted to love, but I cannot accept this fact that my wife is with someone else. then she slept, kissed, caressed, whispered, loved them at that moment in time, if she did all this, then she didn't care to be with whom? And who to love? So love and sex depend on the situation and is it not something intimate and valuable? It didn't work with one, with the second, the third, and then I got such a wonderful one with whom you can make a family. It doesn't fit in my head. You ask: did you really not love and kiss anyone before her? Why can you be wrong and she can't? Yes, I loved, kissed, it even came to sex, but it was not there, I understood that this was not my person, that I did not want him, or rather, I want him, I’m a guy, but I don’t want it with this person. That I don’t have a future with him, the virgins wanted me, but I felt sorry for them, I didn't want to give them hope, and then take it away. Break their hearts. And my wife did not have such thoughts, for some reason search and sex are synonyms for her. When we make love, I wedge, I imagine how she kissed and gave herself to others in different poses, it becomes disgusting, and these thoughts automatically creep into my head as soon as I see her naked. What is the most precious thing a person has? Himself! And she gave herself to others and as I wrote it all depends on the situation and there is no love. I don't understand how you can love one person and sleep with him, then the second and sleep with him, then the third and sleep with him again, and so on ... that it doesn't matter who to love and who to sleep with? My head starts to boil when I realize that they did the same thing with her as we do - two loving people, a married couple. I can't forgive her for that! I can not! only I can touch her and love her, as she is my wife, the mother of my child. You say: but before marriage she was not your wife and was not even your girlfriend, yes it is, but from the very moment I met her, I had decent actions and feelings that grew into our family and child. And those ukhozhyrs used her for their dirty purposes and she was not against it. I can't forgive this! I can’t or don’t want to, I don’t know. You say: when a person loves, he knows how to forgive and accepts that person with all his shortcomings. May be. So I don't love her? If I can't forgive and accept? So you fell out of love? Or maybe he didn't? Just the first sex left an imprint on me and this girl is now ideal for me? What's next? Look for a virgin and calm down? And it's not about virginity, I can't accept the fact that she went over the guys, looked for, slept with them. And the point. The funniest thing in this story is that this problem has been ridden on forums and sites far and wide. I read a bunch of articles on this topic, visited a psychologist and gave a lot of money, went through a hypnosis session, looked at this problem from the outside, like in a movie theater, analyzed my worldview and attitude towards life and people on some cards, raised my self-esteem and something else. but that doesn't help. It seems that I myself want to suffer and not let go of this problem. My psychologist couldn’t stand it during the last session and said: can you stop pretending to be an offended boy and start living in the present, not the past? It hurt me and at some point I stopped thinking about it, but time passed, and in the bedroom with my wife the same thing that I wrote above is repeated. I'm tired, I'm tired of these thoughts and images in my head. The psychologist drew different conclusions about the reasons for this behavior, ranging from self-doubt, jealousy of his wife, although she does not give a reason, and ending with the fact that I want to cheat on my wife and try to justify my act with these actions. Treason? Yes, there are thoughts about this, sometimes I want to cheat on her for evil, because she was wrong with others and I want to be wrong, but we have a family and I’m unlikely to go for it. In general, what other options are there for the causes of my DISEASE? If you consider my case difficult and do not want to get involved with my problem, I will understand. I have already understood and understood a lot of things, but what is connected with my beloved wife may be said roughly with her body, I cannot understand and accept.

Answers and advice from psychologists

Psychologist-hypnologist

The psychotherapist is a hypnologist. I have been in private practice since 2007. At the heart of my work I use the system-phenomenological method, neuro-linguistic programming techniques, hypnosis. I draw attention to your individual characteristics, and depending on this, I use one or another psychotherapeutic technique, often it happens - the integration of techniques. That gives an excellent result of our joint work with you. You will open yourself from a new, perhaps hitherto unknown, side. Let go of the heavy. Get good live energy. You will feel new desires for life in yourself. Everything will be fine. We can carry out the consultation both in writing mode and by video or audio broadcast. I will work with you until the result.

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Sergey, maybe the cause of the DISEASE is precisely that you are looking for the causes of the disease. Instead of getting rid of this problem easily. You know, this is how to stand on the edge of a steep cliff with your arms outstretched so that your right hand is above an abyss, and your left is above the ground. And so you stand, struggling to resist strong gusts of wind, so as not to fall where there will definitely no longer be anything heavy. And on your left hand, not far away, on a solid piece of land, there are always people who, as soon as you decide to turn around, will stretch out their hands to you, in response to your resolutely outstretched right hand.

Psychologist

Practical psychologist, trainer, coach. 14 years of successful practice. I individually select techniques and tools for each client. I identify the root causes of problems, subconscious fears and destructive beliefs.

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Hello Sergey!
You have done a great job in researching your situation, and I think that the last sentence of your message is a conclusion on this work done.
“I have already understood and understood a lot of things, but what is connected with my beloved wife can be said roughly with her body, I cannot understand and accept.”
You identified yourself with the body of your beloved wife and cannot accept that someone did something with this body without your consent, does this give you such pain, rejection and disagreement?

If so, then you need to divide where is yours and where is hers. This is a difficult job that can have consequences for both of you, and perhaps that is why it is so difficult for you to start it, are you afraid of these consequences? But living in such difficult emotions is also difficult, you need to decide and take steps, deal with your emotions and attitude towards your wife.

Respectfully,

Psychologist; Clinical psychologist; Forensic expert

clinical psychologist, consultant psychologist, life coach, forensic expert, candidate of psychological sciences specialization: individual psychological counseling focused on solving problems; psychodiagnostics and forensic examination; personality-oriented integral psychotherapy (post-traumatic stress disorders, addictions, existential problems, neuroses and neurosis-like disorders, disorders and deviations in sex-age development); life coaching (effective life strategy, self-development, career management)

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Hello Sergey.

You married a woman who before you had relationships with others. You knew this and got married, despite the fact that you had certain requirements for a potential spouse, which your chosen one did not answer. It was your choice.

Why did you decide that all her boyfriends "used" and "humiliated" her, and you, unlike them, "love" her? Judging by what has been told, you just use it as an object in your fantasies of the sadomasochistic type, where the BDSM master suffers, and therefore his eternally guilty wife should be punished forever. Your love is not for her, but for your sadomasochistic fantasies, which bring you the satisfaction for which you live in marriage with a man whom you blame for what he cannot change. This is Love? No, this is a conscious choice of an object.

You got married and had a child who grows up in conditions when dad is constantly jealous of mom for her past, cannot forgive her for what she is not guilty of and that she is not able to change, what she told dad in an outburst of naive frankness , in an environment where dad wants to "take revenge" on mom and punish her by cheating. Is the child also to blame and must also suffer all his life? Is this your decision, is this your choice?

It is quite obvious that your wife cannot change anything in her past, and you do not intend to change anything for the better in your attitude towards her and your family, because you enjoy your sadomasochistic torments and sufferings and nurture the right to punish the innocent - then only for are you together? Is there something else that connects you? Why don't you let her and the baby go if you don't intend to forgive, can't, and don't want to? “I guess not, you can't let go. You can let go of this beloved, but how can you let go of an object that plays an important role in your only favorite scenario?

Is it a DISEASE? With a high degree of probability - yes, because you are fixated on one and only one scenario, do not control yourself and your fantasies, suffer and cause suffering to loved ones, derive a secondary benefit from all this suffering, and cannot change the situation without outside help. But the problem is not that it is a disease, but that you absolutely do not show a desire to cure this disease radically, the value of your own suffering and causing suffering to your wife and child is definitely higher for you than the value of a potential cure. Therefore, you choose either those specialists who cannot help you, or you hide from those who could that information that could help to understand the problem ... you play games with them to show their powerlessness and thereby reinforce their right to realize their only favorite scenario as the only possible and inevitable.

You declare the presence of a serious problem and the lack of desire to solve it, declare your readiness to spend a lot of money on those specialists who cannot help and on games with those who could help. The causes of this kind of painful symptoms that you describe are usually very deep, and even with a strong motivation to recover, they are very difficult to treat. Unfortunately, your letter does not at all read the presence of motivation for treatment, there is no direct request for treatment and the achievement of mental health and family well-being, and without this I cannot imagine how you can be helped, and who can take on such a case.

With respect and regret that I cannot help in this case, Evgeniy

It seems that they started dating, everything is fine, fine, he has serious intentions, but here. One wonderful evening - a question. About the former. How much, with whom, how, why they parted, what happened. What is it? Jealousy for the past?

A man is jealous of the past, what to do?

Unfortunately, the situation is widespread. You should not be deceived and think that zeal for the past is only a confirmation of a person's interest in everything connected with you, and such a conversation will remain without consequences for your relationship. More often, such a question is not caused at all by interest, but rather, by doubt, or by the search for correspondence with reality to what he invented for himself. This is jealousy of the past, doubts, an attempt to "unearth" something, a search ... Such a question is a reason to be wary.

But do not be afraid ahead of time. Of course, not every man will torture his woman with jealousy of the past and questions about past partners, preferring not to know. Only men with an anal vector cycle on it and the feminine "purity". They are overwhelmed with questions with sheep's stubbornness, moreover, if they are not in a very good condition.

A man with an anal vector is potentially a very good family man. He is caring, unhurried, very loyal, an excellent master of the house. He has golden hands. This is a man of the "old school", such that you can hide behind him, reliable. Ideal husband. He has a phenomenal memory. He ... remembers good and bad. He has a heightened sense of justice. And he divides the world into clean or dirty. He is very attentive. And even a slight defect will surely notice.

If he is with you, he needs you. Sex for one night is not about him. You are his Woman for him. But he should also be a Man for you.

What if your man asks you about past experiences?

Rule one: don't lie! Analists themselves do not know how to lie and do not tolerate lies in others. The stronger the jealousy of the past, the more acute the mistrust. But it is also not worth filling them with details about the quantity, quality and intensity - this is not forgiven.

Rule two: no comparisons! If you start comparing from the position of "you are better", without the correct choice of words, the effect will not work. His jealousy for the past will quickly turn from a fly into an elephant, and the relationship will crack at all seams.

Rule three: maximum respect. In the system of anal values, mom (his) and family are at the forefront. In his worldview, a woman should know her place, and he - a man - is the master of the house. If you want to achieve something from your anal companion, it is worth paying attention to this.

So what if a man is jealous of the past?

Option one. Do not answer the question about the ex directly. And translate into the fact that he is wonderful (not in comparison), and that he has a wonderful mother and you are grateful to her for raising him. If mom is no longer alive, and he has no grudge against her (this happens), then - her bright memory and the same gratitude. Let it sound exaggerated, not scary. A stream of well-chosen words can not only please him, but also embarrass him. To bring to the point that he wants to return this good to you. We remember that he has a heightened sense of justice.

Option two. "He betrayed me. Well, you understand me! " Any phrase with the key phrase "you understand me" is like a balm on the heart for an anal. The ability to understand is one of the most valuable. And he, like no one else, is actually able to understand if you have been betrayed and now you hate the entire masculine gender, but here HE ...

Remember, no matter how much you want to tell him everything in the smallest detail, for an anal man the realization that he is not the first is always stressful. He is the only one whose zeal for the past is unprecedented. Painful. And it is capable of destroying any relationship. You are balancing on the verge between "clean" and "dirty" woman in his eyes.

The article was written based on the materials of the training of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan

Almost every person in a relationship has thought at least once that the chosen one had a personal life before him. Both men and women reflect on this. Where do thoughts about previous relationships of a partner come from, how to overcome jealousy of the past of a wife or husband - the pressing questions to which we will give answers in this article.

Reasons for jealousy of the past

If your partner's past relationship bothers you too much, it could be a serious wake-up call for problems in your current relationship. Personal inner imbalance can also lead to distrust in a life partner. It is perfectly normal if the past of a loved one intrigues you, because we always try to get to know the person who is next to us as best we can. At the very beginning of a relationship, a man and a woman believe that they are finally meeting halves of a single whole. But then romance is replaced by standard questions, especially if there are small conflicts in the couple:

What if the past relationship was more important to him / her than this?
What if she / she loved the previous partner more than me?
Does he / she compare me and his past passion?

If these questions pop up in your head too often, there may be several reasons.

mutual trust is the best defense against anxiety and disagreement

Lack of self-esteem

A jealous person lives in captivity of his complexes and fears. He strives to become the best, most important, beloved person for his partner, but often does not notice that this is the case. The reason for the complexion should be looked for in the events of childhood or adolescence. Perhaps you were rarely praised by your parents, and you carried this lack of support into your adult life. Each person throughout his life evaluates himself according to the same principle as his parents. Consider, is it worth transferring your teenage complexes into your current happy relationship?

Negative experience of past relationships

If a previous partner cheated on you, lied to you, or abandoned you, you may unknowingly project your distrust into your current relationship. You should not do this if your loved one did not let you doubt him. Let go of negative experiences from your background.

Dissatisfaction with the current relationship

If you are not satisfied with some of the moments in the relationship between you and your partner, but you cannot fully resolve the conflict, you will torment yourself and accumulate irritation. As a result, you will begin to compare yourself to your partner's previous passions and further aggravate the relationship. Therefore, all misunderstandings should be discussed with the parterre at once, without concealing anger and resentment.

Psychological disorder

Abnormalities in the psyche are a fairly common cause of excessive suspicion. If your partner has never given you to doubt yourself, but you continue to "nag" him for past relationships, this is a reason to contact a specialist. Perhaps these are echoes of depression or obsessive compulsions.

Mentions of past connections

Some people accidentally or deliberately mention their past passions in conversation with their current partner. They give them characteristics, remember spending time together. If you do this, think about why you are doing this. If your partner drew attention to this, try to keep such thoughts to yourself, as they will probably hurt your companion.

normal friendships with your ex reduce the risk of breakdown in new relationships

To defeat jealousy of your partner's past, you need to work on yourself and on relationships in a couple. In order for jealousy to stop poisoning your life, psychologists suggest following the following tips.

Have a heart-to-heart talk

Calm and reasoned conversation can solve most family conflicts. Learn to listen and hear your partner, be mutually polite and don't provoke scandals. Whether you are jealous of the past or expressing distrust, the best way to dot the i's is to have a confidential conversation.

Show prudence

Don't bully your life partner for keeping things that remind him of past relationships. These can be useful items in everyday life or just gifts that she or he likes. Respect your partner's right to privacy, especially if they don't give rise to jealousy. You can always sit down calmly and discuss controversial issues. Be sure that a loving partner will always meet you if you give reasons for your request and tell about your feelings.

Don't discuss the past

As we have already said, interest in the past of a husband or wife is a completely natural feeling, although not the most innocent one. Be reasonable and take the details of your partner's completed connections as information. Do not think about it often, because each of us has the baggage of finished relationships. Don't interrogate, you don't need it. Do not try to ask your partner for details about his ex, do not provoke such conversations, and do not remember the past in the heat of a quarrel or conflict. All this can destroy your union.

Trust your companion

Even if you had a negative experience with a previous partner who cheated on you or lied to you, this does not mean that the current one will let you down. Especially if he or she didn't give you a reason. Do not arrange checks, do not try, as if by chance, to bring your loved one to clean water. If you are correct, this behavior will cause a major conflict. Who likes suspicions from scratch?

Take care of yourself

Instead of harassing your partner and yourself by digging into their past, try to turn all this energy for good. Sign up for interesting courses, get a gym membership, try to move up the career ladder. This will help you build confidence and self-esteem. There are things in life that are much more interesting than spying on your passion.

Always remember that the present is much more valuable than the past. If you are gnawing at the baggage of your partner's previous relationship, follow the advice in our article. May your love be strong!

It is difficult to meet a person who, in adulthood, does not have a relationship experience, both positive and negative, behind him. Some men find it difficult to perceive the fact that their faithful lived or met with someone else. Because of this, there is insecurity, a sense of doubt, and jealousy of the wife's past.

A man, as a wiser participant in a relationship, must accept his partner's past. In real life, everything happens the other way around: a person begins to panic, get nervous, make claims, thereby spoiling relationships, killing feelings, harming not only his beloved, but also himself.

Almost every representative of the weaker sex has come across a situation where a gentleman demonstrates devotion, seems sweet, caring, and after a while turns life together into a real hell.

This can manifest itself as follows:

Criticism of girlfriends... Often a man considers close acquaintances of his companion to be insufficiently decent, flirting with everyone and forbids joint meetings.
Constant control... This is expressed in hysterics, if the phone is turned off or no one picks up the phone, requests for reports for each step.
Scandals due to the attention of other men... The woman is forced to dress more modestly, to listen to claims that someone looked at her, left a compliment on social networks, or tried to get to know her.

Reasons for jealousy of a wife's past

The root of the problem lies both in the psychological complexes of the man and in the suspicious behavior of his wife:

Old psychological trauma... A man who, at least once in his life, has experienced bitterness from the departure of his beloved woman to his former partner, may worry that the situation will happen again and experience heavy torment from this.
Low self-esteem... It manifests itself in a man's lack of confidence in himself, in his capabilities, qualities. He considers himself not good enough and thinks that his wife, comparing him to a former companion, can break off the current relationship.
Mental disorder... In this case, the factor of excessive suspicion is some deviations in the man's psyche. The spouse may not even give a reason to doubt her loyalty, but the person will have obsessive thoughts that his wife is sure to be unfaithful to him with his ex.
Fear of a possible emotional connection with a former partner... In every relationship, people make plans, spend a lot of time together, they are connected by things, friends, places. And often they, like anchors, make a woman return to thoughts about past relationships, about how good it was in them. In this case, the emotional connection has not yet been severed. The likelihood of such a situation makes a man worry about the future of the relationship.
Constant references to the former... Some women have a habit, as it were, by chance, to recall the past companion, to tell the details of their joint pastime - where they went, what they did, and also mention the personal characteristics of the former. A man can interpret this as not cooled down love, sympathy.
Maintaining past contacts... These include telephone correspondence, regular telephone calls, and Internet communication. This undoubtedly leads to jealousy, as it can mean that the relationship is not over yet.

How to get rid of male suspiciousness

This refers to ways to both overcome jealousy towards former partners, and objects from the past, gifts, as well as past lifestyle.

About former partners

Show prudence and not make a scandal. There is no need to make you forget your former companion. Time heals and past events will be remembered less often.
Don't ask about past relationships and what was in them, as this can open up old wounds and harm a marriage. If the wife herself begins to talk, then calmly say that this is an uninteresting topic and translate the conversation.

Items, gifts from the past

Do not force your loved one to throw away the donated items... A gift can be useful for her and if her husband does not like it, it is not necessary to throw it away or give it to someone. You need to respect your partner's personal space.
Talk to your beloved... Calmly, without hysterics, explain that keeping the donated items by the wife gives unpleasant emotions and ask them not to wear them away.

Lifestyle before marriage

Work on yourself... A great way to overcome unpleasant feelings of jealousy is to tidy up your own thoughts and feelings. You need to understand that if a woman has done something in the past, it will not necessarily be in a new life.
Give new sensations... There is no need to go there and relax as the wife did with her former partner. On the contrary, one should give her new emotions and impressions, open another world. This will allow her to forget the past and plunge into a new reality.

In order to defeat the jealousy of the wife's past, you need to show a lot of effort, but the work done will bring peace of mind to the relationship, restore peace and harmony, and save the husband from suffering:

Understand that the past remains with a person forever... You cannot forget events from your previous life. People and situations remain in memory for life. The most correct option, protecting your nerves and health, is to accept everything that your beloved had and let go of the situation. Do not worry too much, because if everything was good in the past marriage, then the relationship would not end.
Take drastic measures... If you cannot diplomatically disaccustom a woman to communicate with her ex, then it is worth showing masculine qualities and explaining to his wife in a more rigid form that it is unpleasant when a loved one is in a past relationship with his thoughts and continues to communicate with the ex. In some cases, it is effective to issue an ultimatum. He will definitely make it clear who exactly is important to the girl. When a loved one refuses to stop flirting with an ex, then you should think carefully about whether such a marriage is needed.
Take care of yourself... A woman is instinctively drawn to a successful man. Instead of wasting time spying on or examining the phone of a beloved one, it is better to plunge into work, start making more money, sign up for a gym, dress more beautifully, become an interesting conversationalist, and get a new education. This will allow you to feel more confident, overcome jealousy and worry less about some ex.
You need to have self-esteem and not stoop to peeping at the phone at night and scandals. It doesn't paint a man. Jealousy is a feeling that has nothing to do with love.
At first, it is better not to take any action. and see what happens. If the wife continues to provoke jealousy, even if unconsciously, then it is worth bringing her displeasure to her. Do not follow her bad behavior and arrange an affair on the side in revenge. This is low for a man.
If the conversation "heart to heart" does not bring results, then it is worth thinking about the further expediency of the relationship. In any case, you need to act only when there is a real reason to doubt. In other cases, jealousy does not allow to live, leads to a loss of peace of mind and tranquility, and then to a decrease in health, quality of life and the destruction of the wonderful feeling of love.

Video: Jealousy of the partner's past

Hello dear readers! Paradox. As a rule, a person is equally dissatisfied when the other half is jealous of him or does not. When a partner suspects you of infidelity, you are tormented, because, and if it is not so important for him who you are with and where, then you begin to suspect your beloved in the absence of feelings.

The situation is especially unpleasant when the husband is jealous of the past - what to do in this case? After all, we are forced to make excuses based not on the facts - who is writing to you and why, but on emotions: “I have no feelings for the former”.

This is a very difficult situation, since it is very difficult to find arguments to prove you are right. Today I will try to tell you about what to do, when the wife is to the past and why this happens, as well as give some useful tips on what points you should pay attention to in order to turn the tide in your favor.

Well, let's get started.

The nature of jealousy

Did you know that not only people are able to be jealous, but also pets, as well as wild animals. For example, in a certain species of monkeys, the name of which, unfortunately, I do not remember, the strongest male takes all the females for himself, and it does not matter that a single monkey cannot fertilize so many women.

The rest of the males are trying to win the attention of "women" and hang from the vines until the owner of a kind of harem reacts. He's chasing the failed Casanova. In the meantime, the monkey sultan does this, the rest are engaged in the harem and impregnate all the "women" of the jealous man.

Jealousy is "invented" by nature itself and not in the name of love and monogamy. It is designed to break up couples. If you are weak and begin to torment the other half or with aggression, it is likely that it will leave you, and the chances of procreation and offspring in large numbers are reduced.

Jealousy in psychology

If we talk about jealousy from the point of view of psychology, it is believed that this feeling is experienced with low self-esteem, who are inclined to constantly compare themselves with others and find new flaws.

Such people worry that the woman will leave as soon as she meets a more suitable partner. Jealousy humiliates both the person himself and his wife, who, in his opinion, only waits until the best candidate pays attention to her.

In my opinion, jealousy does not always indicate mental problems, because. Sometimes a partner is consciously or not very much about a certain person from the past, to whom it would be worth jealous. You yourself may not notice this, but your loved one will surely hear tenderness in your voice and a certain sadness with which you recall your past life. In this case, jealousy is quite justified.

One of my acquaintances was married to a foreigner and lived for a long time in another country. Her current husband was annoyed by any stories and references about Bulgaria. So his jealousy manifested itself, and the girl could not understand what exactly did not suit him. They have been married for over 12 years, and the stories did not touch on her past relationship, she talked about life in this country, gave advice if someone was going on a trip.

The husband quickly built an associative array from which his mood instantly deteriorated. It was an unpleasant story for him, because the woman he loved lived before him with a man who acted ugly with her.

What to do with the jealousy of a loved one

Jealousy, like any disease, is easier to prevent than cure. For this reason, I think the worst thing to do in a new relationship is to discuss the previous one. If you are not asked, try not to introduce the young man into the course for what reason you broke up with your ex, and also do not find out the details of his life.

Your story will be unique, unlike anything else. You will not receive any objective and useful information. It's better .

Try to remember the ex less often and touch on topics related to him, if the man already knows about them. You will not be able to prove anything, and such discussions can only inflame the flame of jealousy in your man's chest.

A person believes in what he wants to believe. He will find evidence of infidelity until he gets tired of it. The maximum you can do is not to aggravate the situation. Be calm and just wait for it to end. Don't provoke. This is especially true for those women who met with a friend of their boyfriend before him. Start life and relationships from scratch.