Eastern love or life with an Arab - what is it? Arab women and men: how an ordinary Arab family lives in the UAE

Family in the UAE comes first. Arab woman she is the keeper of the family hearth and is respected by Arab men. It is believed that a family is happier the more children it has.

OFFICEPLANKTONtraced how a husband and wife actually live in an Arab family, how they distribute family responsibilities, whether a husband has many wives and how family life goes in Arab countries.

Dating

The decision to marry is made primarily by the groom's family. The rights of women in Muslim countries are equivalent to those of men, so a potential bride has the right to refuse an offer if she does not like the groom.

Arab women almost never marry Europeans - for marriage with an infidel, she will simply be expelled from the country forever. Men from the UAE sometimes marry girls from Europe, but even here everything is built in such a way that marriage does not benefit anyone except a man. For a woman, this marriage will not become a pass for obtaining citizenship, children, if family life does not work out, they will be taken away and left in the country.

True, marriage itself with a rich Emirati is a pleasant thing in many ways, as long as it lasts. Indeed, according to the law, even if the wife is the second, third or fourth - each has its own separate house, generous maintenance, and the share of attention should be equal to each of the "beloved" women.

Today, not every Arab can afford polygamy... Although Islam permits up to four wives, the main reason for this monogamy is the lack of funds to maintain a harem. Therefore, the classic UAE family, consisting of one husband, several wives and a harem, is the privilege of sheikhs and wealthy people.

Wedding

If for European newlyweds a marriage contract is only now beginning to come into vogue, then for Arab countries such an agreement is an obligatory element of a wedding. Instead of the bride, two of her relatives sign a marriage contract.

The very same wedding celebration after signing can take place within a year - before that the groom can see his future wife only in the presence of her relatives. For the bride, the groom's family pays kalym, which can reach several hundred thousand dollars, so it is profitable to give birth to girls.

An Arab wedding is truly a grand spectacle. The table is bursting with treats that are constantly renewed in order to show the guests their hospitality and abundance. Since Islam prohibits alcohol, there is nothing stronger than coffee on the festive table. But this does not prohibit the wedding to walk up to seven days.

Family way of life

The conventional wisdom about discrimination against Arab women is actually somewhat exaggerated. In any Arab family, a woman should obey her husband, but she always takes part in deciding important issues.

The fact that married women in the Emirates live like in a prison is a myth.

Yes, on the street they are almost invisible. Those that are - in black.

In fact, a married woman can wear whatever she wants: a mini-skirt, jeans, and shorts (they are generally big fashionistas there, they can spend hours in stores, choosing ultra-modern outfits and fabrics), but she must wear black on top. a silk cape to the toes, and cover your face with a black scarf. Only fingers, feet and eyes are visible. And then, black capes are rare. Today on the streets you can see an Arab woman in jeans and a tunic, but the only thing that is still adhered to is the head covering. Someone you rarely meet is a woman without a scarf on her head.

Older women cover their faces with a copper mask. The young, of course, are more liberated, but all the beauty is for the husband.

By the way, emirati women receive quite a decent education, the best universities in the world are open to them, but scholarship remains unclaimed. Having married, the girl can no longer work: either she is forbidden, or she does not want to herself, tired of frequent pregnancies and childbirth. (Although, of course, young people are more progressive in this regard. And many girls, having received their education in Europe, stay there to make a career. Arab familiesliving outside the Muslim world rarely seriously adhere to age-old traditions).

Once, an Arab husband could at any time say to his wife: "Talak, talak, talak" ("go away") - and this meant that he was divorcing her, and she should immediately get out of his house, taking only that what she was wearing. Therefore, women - just in case - all the gold presented to them wore on themselves. Now, of course, this is an anachronism.

But women still wear kilograms of gold (for example, the sheikh's daughter was adorned with 16 kilograms of gold at the wedding. Newspapers described each piece of jewelry in detail and published photographs, indicating the exact price). And men give gold instead of flowers. The more the gift weighs, the stronger the love. According to a local saying, woman without gold - naked.

And for those who are worried about the "oppression" of Arab wives by their Muslim husbands, we can say: a woman in the UAE can file for divorce in two cases.

1) If there is a fact of betrayal on the part of the spouse. But this article is deliberately "dead", tk. polygamy is officially allowed in the UAE. And if the hubby has sinned, the wife prefers to keep quiet. Nobody will marry such a "brawler" again, and a train of gossip will follow her all her life. Again, children stay with their father in a divorce.

2) If the husband does not provide enough for his faithful. Well, there, she does not drive to restaurants (true), does not buy gold (true), builds her a house worse than the other wives, etc. The court examines such requests very carefully and sometimes satisfies them. After all, a rich Emirati can afford several wives, but everyone should be treated equally. A clear schedule of visits is established, a separate villa is being built for the new wife (not cheaper, but not more expensive than the previous one), money is distributed in equal proportions, and in general, wives should be happy with everything. If something is wrong, it’s not the wife’s problem, but the husband’s problem, who has not been able to “sort out” the situation.

Kinship support in an Arab family is immensely powerful. For example, if a woman is widowed, the husband's brother will consider it his duty to marry her and protect her.

“Generators of unusual ideas”, “owners of the family nest” and “desperate friends” are all about them, the Arabs. They are also spoiled, boastful and unpredictable. Personal experience of a girl, but not a wife.

For four years Oksana L. has been meeting with a Jordanian who came to Kiev to study and earn money, and tells how she and her friend manage to combine such different views of the East and West.

Friendship and personal boundaries
We have guests at home all the time. At any time, a friend or just an acquaintance can call and come to our house in the middle of the night. Naturally, as a woman, I need to set the table and make sure that everyone is full and happy. Sometimes the house resembles some kind of Arab camp, and not a family nest.

If a friend needs help, you need to rush to him in the middle of the night. Arabs are always ready to help out a friend, come where they need to, pick up, lend money.

Friends are not jealous. My friend is very jealous, but this only applies to our Slavic guys and men, although I do not give a reason. He trusts his own people. In any case, his friends, realizing who we are to each other, never allowed themselves even harmless flirting.

About work
They prefer conversations to business - long conversations over hookahs. These are real philosophers who are ready to talk and plan for hours. Although this time could be spent on constructive action rather than chatting, most of which will be forgotten the very next day. There is such a problem with Eastern men: their conversations often diverge from their actions. They promise a lot, and they themselves sincerely believe in what they say. Plans can change dramatically, or mood, or something else, and promises will remain just words.

Arab men should be encouraged - so they are inspired and ready to move mountains for the sake of the family. This applies, in particular, to work. It is important for them to feel that the woman believes in their strengths and capabilities.

Generators of unusual ideas. For four years, as I know my man, what kind of business he did not start. Cafe, transportation of dogs and birds from Ukraine, which are in demand in his homeland in Jordan, processing of semi-precious stones, etc. But he did not bring any ideas to the end. I did not initially calculate the risks, I acted on the basis of momentary desires, excitement and emotions.

Many do not value parental money. Young people live, carouse at the expense of their parents and do not know the value of money earned not by their own labor.

Attitude towards women
Most Arabs are spoiled by their mother's attention, love to be cared for, and are often selfish. They love to surround themselves with all the beautiful, avid fashionistas. They love to dress up: beautiful clothes, shoes, an abundance of rings and bracelets. Favorite clients of barbershops: stylish beard, hair styled with gel, expensive perfumes.

They love to educate, and if they fail, they can use force. The pressure is morally. Very hot-tempered. Any little thing can make them mad. Moreover, their woman should admire them.

They love to show off their woman in front of their friends - they tell what kind of mistress she is, caring and skillful at all trades. It is important for them that others admire their woman, and therefore automatically.

It is difficult for our men to offer to live together - they are afraid for their freedom. Arab men, on the other hand, want the girl they like to be constantly in their sight. Houses, side by side, side by side. We are ready to protect and take care of her, although they demand a lot in return.

Very generous. If possible, give a woman gifts, love grand gestures, absolutely not stingy.

They value independence in our women, the fact that a woman can take care of herself, earn money and not depend on a man as much as possible. In his homeland, women mostly stay at home and do housework.

There is a minus. Monogamy is not for Eastern men. How many times have we had to observe how family Arab men rush after our girls. When the wife calls, they drop the call or do not pick up the phone. And when they call back, they sing like a nightingale, as they like, and exquisitely lie, why they could not answer. Cheating is not considered as such for them. This is the norm of an oriental man's life.

About life
For three days in a row, my friend will definitely not eat borscht, although he really loves my borscht. Arab men are very demanding and capricious in everyday life, like children, and often dependent. If we talk about my man, he himself can clean and cook even better than me. But it is important for him to see that they take care of him, do something for him.

I'm used to Russian cuisine, but my love for hummus and flat cakes is unchanged.

Loves cleanliness, but not to fanaticism. He understands that we both work a lot and come home very late, so physically there is not always enough strength to clean and cook at night.

About children and family
My man is ready to lisp with every child, but I'm not sure that he will get up in the middle of the night for his own. This is the wife's duty. And the man spoils his child and pays attention to him during short games. All other delights of upbringing fall on the shoulders of a woman.

In a marriage with a Christian, there is no choice what religion their joint child will choose - he is a priori born a Muslim. Especially when it comes to a boy.

My man's parents are wealthy and ready to support him, but he, having matured, when the young fuse has passed and partying with friends is no longer a priority, he wanted to prove to the family that he can get on his own feet.

About religion
I refused to convert to Islam, realizing that I would not be able to wear closed clothes, honor Muslim traditions and be in a “golden cage” at home. He did not swear, he accepted my choice. But it is very important for him that his woman shares the religion with him and that his lawful wife, in any case, must convert to Islam or be a Muslim from the beginning.

The Arabs know the Koran from an early age. Read out like mantras. But my man openly admits that, living among Russians and Ukrainians, he leads an anti-Muslim lifestyle.

His mother, having come to visit us, brought a hijab as a gift with a hint that I should accept their religion, since I live with her son.

A negative attitude towards alcohol persists, despite the love for discos (already in the past) and hookah smoking (this is part of traditions). Doesn't respect when a woman drinks even in companies.

About future
After living with an Arab man, it is strange to see how our women treat Russian husbands. It's wild to see sometimes disrespectful attitude and a desire to be in charge. My views on what a woman should be in a relationship with any man has changed.

Where this relationship will lead, I do not know - Russian girls are more freedom-loving, ambitious and active. I would not want to be completely dependent on my husband.

But Arab men are like sweet nectar. You can't get drunk, but even when you drink, it becomes too cloying that you want plain water. But after the nectar, it seems tasteless. I'm like a tightrope walker halfway: I can't go back, and there is unknown ahead ...

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Polygamy and harems, lack of education and legal powerlessness, brilliance of diamonds and veils - the life of Arab wives has become overgrown with so many stereotypes in the eyes of foreigners that it is already difficult to distinguish truth from fiction.

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Contractual marriage

• Half of marriages in many Arab countries are still based on the will of the parents.... And many are sure that no one takes into account the opinion of the girl. In fact this is not true. If the bridegroom does not like the bride, then she has the right to refuse the marriage proposal.
• The marriage contract must be signed.Unlike the rest of the world, in the Arab countries this rule is strictly observed.
• Arab women rarely marry people of other faith, because for marriage with an infidel they can be expelled from the country. Men are in a more privileged position, they are allowed to marry Christians and Jews. But in this case, the girl does not receive citizenship, and in the event of a divorce, the children remain with their father.
• Age of marriage.In most Arab countries, the minimum age for the bride and groom is 18 years. For example, residents of Tunisia, according to the law, can marry at the age of 18, but in fact the average age of brides is 25 years, grooms - 30 years. Although early marriage is still practiced in some developing countries. For example, more than half of girls in Saudi Arabia and Yemen are married before the age of 18.

How do weddings go

Traditions vary from country to country, but often the Arab bride and groom celebrate the wedding separately.

• "Men's wedding"can be celebrated not even on the same day as the bride's celebration and is usually straightforward: tea, coffee, dinner and communication - no more than 4 hours in total. Wives' weddings are much more magnificent: a huge hall, waiters, artists.
• "Women's wedding" - this is an occasion to show off in diamonds, designer shoes and evening wear. After all, usually all this beauty is hidden under scarves and hijabs (abayas). That is why only ladies are present at such weddings. Men are strictly prohibited. All staff are women only, including singers, photographer and DJ. If a famous singer is invited, then he will not see either the hero of the occasion, nor the guests, performing songs behind the screen or in the next room, and the broadcast is going on into the hall.
• The arrival of the husband is announced in advance, so that all the ladies can cover themselves with abay. And if the husband comes with his brothers or father, then the bride is also covered with a white abaya, because even male relatives should not see her beauty.
• It is not customary to give money or household appliances for a wedding. As a gift, the bride is usually presented with jewelry.

Polygamy

• Most marriages are monogamous. Not every Arab man can afford polygamy. Islam allows you to have up to 4 wives, but each of them must be provided with their own home, equally presented with gifts, attention, jewelry and so on. Several wives are the privilege of sheikhs and very wealthy people.
• The first marriage is the most important.No matter how many wives a man has, the first, "great" marriage is considered the most important, and the wife is the "oldest".
• If the husband nevertheless took another woman as his wife, the rest of the spouses are ordered to reconcile.They should obey the will of their man and not show any emotions. As a rule, all wives live in different houses and do not intersect so often.

Divorce

• A man, wishing to divorce his wife, according to a long-standing tradition, could at any time tell his wife “go away” three times.After that, the wife had to immediately leave his house, taking with her only what was on her. Therefore, women wore all the gold donated on themselves. In practice, husband-initiated divorces are extremely rare. In addition, children always stay with their father during a divorce.
• A woman can file for divorce if the man does not provide her well enough.Such statements are considered carefully by the courts and are most often satisfied. In the Arab world, men express their love not with flowers, but with gold and jewelry. For example, he is obliged to take her to restaurants, buy expensive gifts and clothes. If there are several wives, then all are entitled to the same amount of attention and gifts.
• In other cases, it will not be so easy for a woman to get a divorce, after all, the courts often make biased decisions, supporting the husband's side to the last.

Women's rights

Contrary to the prevailing stereotypes, the Arab woman is highly respected by men. She shouldn't need anything.

• Arab women were among the first to receive the right to marry of their own accord, to divorce and to own property. This happened back in the 7th century, while in other states ladies were deprived of such opportunities. Islamic law viewed the marriage of a woman and a man as a contract that could only come into force with the consent of both parties. Also during this period, the right of women to own property and dispose of the wealth that she brought to the family or earned was introduced.
• Weekly women's days. Once a week in the UAE, all beaches, water parks and beauty salons are open exclusively for ladies. A man will simply not be allowed into the establishment.
• However, the wife of a Muslim does everything with the consent of the man.To go somewhere, she should warn her husband about this and get his permission.

clothing

• Women should cover their bodies with loose clothing and a blanket.They can wear anything: miniskirts, jeans, and shorts. The outfits of Arab beauties could be the envy of many women of fashion. But, going out into the street, a woman puts on a silk cape from above to her feet, and hides her face with a handkerchief. After all, her beauty is only for her husband, outside men should not see her. The only exceptions are "womens" celebrations, weddings where there are no men and you can "walk" designer novelties. However, this custom is not observed everywhere, but women should cover their heads in almost all Arab countries.
• Kuwait is the only Arab country where women wear European clothes on the street... However, she must remain humble and private.
• As opposed to Kuwait there are countries, such as Yemen and Sudan, where old customs still exist and women are required to wear black capes that hide them entirely, from head to toe.

Education and work

• If a woman wants to get an education, it is not forbidden.Many girls even go to study abroad. For example, in Jordan, only 14% of women are illiterate. In the UAE, after graduating from high school, 77% of girls go to university and make up 75% of the total number of students at Al Ain National University.
• Housekeeping lies on the shoulders of a woman However, in rich countries this responsibility is taken over by housekeepers, and the main task of the wife is reduced to the birth and upbringing of offspring.
• There is a career... In the UAE, women make up about 2% of managers, hold 20% of administrative positions and make up 35% of the country's workforce. On the Abu Dhabi Stock Exchange, 43% of investors are women. Also in the United Arab Emirates, women can serve as judges and work in government departments such as the police. In Tunisia, more than 26% of parliament members are women. A fly in the ointmentit can only be the fact that in many Arab countries a woman cannot get a job without the consent of her husband or guardian.

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In my article, I want to highlight some aspects of marriage with Arabs from the experience of my friends and acquaintances. I want to note right away that we are not talking about acquaintance via the Internet. Why? The fact is that Russian women looking for a husband abroad prefer to find a person of close European-Christian culture living in a developed country. Therefore, it is unlikely that a sane woman will go from Russia somewhere to the Middle East, to a country with different traditions, culture and mentality. It should also be noted that the normal average inhabitant of the Middle East is looking for a wife through relatives, friends, acquaintances or work colleagues. Usually this is a woman from the same sociocultural environment.

A logical question arises: who are the "Muslim princes" who write to our women? These can be: gigolos trying to obtain citizenship of a more developed country (including Russia) by marrying a foreigner; rich residents of the Gulf countries looking for a cheap white mistress for a while; pimps and slavers who lure our women abroad and sell them to brothels. Turkey and the UAE are centers of the slave trade, and Russian women are in incredible demand there. I do not dare to call all these types "Muslims". Like a Muslim woman. Such scum, I believe, should not be called people. Perhaps someone found his happiness in marriage with an Arab via the Internet, but personally I am not aware of such cases.

Our women meet Arabs in real life, usually at an institute where foreign students study. In my experience, most of the mixed marriages are from the student environment. Such marriages are concluded quite often, but also often break up. The main reason is the difference in mentality and cultural traditions. These traditions are usually called "Muslim", and the carriers of the traditions themselves are called "Muslims". Is it so?

Let me tell you a little about myself. I converted to Islam about 7 years ago. I had no thoughts of getting married and leaving. Together with me, two more Russian girls came to Islam: both are not married. I do not want to explain the reasons for my choice, the path to God is a personal matter, I just want to say that for any believer of any confession it is necessary to communicate with fellow believers. My friends lived in a hostel as they were students from other cities. Arab students lived in the same hostel. Theoretically, they were my fellow believers, but I would not communicate with most of them, let alone marry, even more so, as a Muslim believer. The fact is that a true Muslim is one who observes the precepts of his religion. In our hostel, out of 150 Arabs, there were three observers. The rest were drinking and having fun with the girls. They were ethnic Muslims. The fact is that if we ask an ordinary Russian how Orthodox he is, we will hear several options in response: an atheist, sometimes I go to church, I believe in God, but I do not follow the church's instructions, and so on. If we ask the same question to a Muslim about his religion, we will hear something different: even the most drinking and depraved Arab will beat himself with the heel in the chest, claiming that he is a Muslim, even if he does not observe anything. And in general, Islam is not like that, do not look at me, I am not an example to follow. Such sentences are misleading to non-Muslims. Especially in the case of the above-described hostel, where a pitiful bunch of believers: 3 Russians, 3 Arabs and two Tatar grandmothers (the watchmen, we taught them to pray, since under Soviet rule they did not have knowledge about their religion) - there was a contrasting spectacle in comparison with drunken crowds of Arabs and their drunk girlfriends.

By the way, about the girlfriends. Many girls, meeting with Arabs, hoped for a serious relationship, but I knew that in most cases this is impossible: someone is already waiting for a bride at home, someone just has a Russian girl for fun. I had no moral right to interfere in someone else's personal life and "open the eyes" of our girls. I wore a headscarf, and this already distinguished me: none of the Arabs slept with me, on the contrary, when I walked by, my "brothers" shyly lowered their eyes, hiding vodka in their pants pockets. Our girls could not fail to see this when meeting with Arabs. Usually I was simply ignored, no questions asked, no advice was asked: well, some strange girl in strange clothes is walking around, so what? In a word, I felt some kind of barrier between me and these girls, although I was terribly sorry for them. When some of the Arabs left for their homeland, having thrown their beloved ones, there was smoke in the dormitory like a rocker. The most furious girls almost threw themselves at me, accusing me, my headscarf and my Islam, they say, they did not do this to me, no one used me. Of course, there were few particularly aggressive ones, most of them suffered quietly alone: \u200b\u200bno joke, losing 3-5 years per person and wasted.

Of course, not everyone is like Masha and Nina. Most unhappy Arab marriages are love marriages. Marriages with Europeanized Arabs, allegedly cut off from their roots. In Russia, these guys are no different from Russians, except that they take care of them more beautifully, but when they take their wife home, everything changes. A former shirt-guy can grow a beard and suddenly become a "faithful", demanding the same from his wife: since you love me, obey. Most of these Arabs are childishly naive, they sincerely believe that thanks to love, their wives will also be imbued with the spirit of their traditions and will be "like everyone else." This is especially true for the change of faith. All Muslims are confident in the truth of their faith. (As well as believing Catholics or Orthodox Christians). Only believing Muslims understand that faith is an intimate matter, and, believing in the truth of their religion, they do not expect that everyone around them will also adhere to the same views. And a true believer Muslim marries only a Muslim woman, and he will get to know her not at a disco, but through friends or relatives. A believer of any confession will observe his religion everywhere: both at home and in a foreign land, no matter how difficult it may be. Agree, this clearly does not apply to the above-described walking comrades. That is why the ex-wives of such Arabs denounce Muslims and Islam for nothing, although we obviously have nothing to do with it. It is easier to label, blame creeds and abstract people than dig into the heart of the problem. And the bottom line is that there is no smell of religion here: the husband was never a religious person, a change of faith is just a requirement to follow traditions, and the wife did not have the slightest idea about the religion and traditions of her husband's country. And she didn’t want to know and understand, she would have known - I would have thought a hundred times.

I am more than sure that Russian women, planning to marry an Arab, were warned more than once by their parents, friends and acquaintances. I'm also sure they've read a lot of different stories. But they get married, go to their beloved. What awaits them? A sharp change in lifestyle: long clothes, reverence for the elders and relatives of the husband, the inability to make a career, obedience to the husband. What does all this mean?

First, the relationship with her husband's relatives. If they accepted a daughter-in-law, the marriage can already be considered half happy, support and protection are guaranteed, if something goes wrong, you can complain to your father-in-law, they will make a suggestion to your son: Arabs obey their father and mother. If the father-in-law is against such a marriage, it is better to divorce. Especially if the husband obeys his relatives.

Secondly, it is the relationship with the husband itself. In Muslim countries, women communicate with women separately from men. It will be normal for a Muslim woman to ask her husband not to go to the market: crush, annoying merchants, heavy bags. Usually men buy provisions for the family. It will also be normal for a Muslim woman to give preference to home and child-rearing; the husband's task is to provide for the family. An Arab would prefer to live with a family-oriented woman rather than a career-oriented woman, but he would never dare to tell his wife that she was sitting on his neck. Of course, there are working women, but preference is given to work in a purely female team (beauty salons, ateliers, etc.), or with children: kindergartens, schools. Often women work in the family business of their fathers-in-law and husbands: shops, clinics (if both spouses are doctors). However, in all cases, Muslim men believe that raising a child and doing housework is also hard work. Muslim women themselves are of the same opinion.

Now a few words about the character of her husband. Usually it manifests itself in the first year or two of life together. As a rule, young people spend this time together, living in Russia. The husband may not require wearing a long one, but he may already begin to show himself. An intelligent woman will immediately notice whether a man is greedy, kind, demanding, strong in character, or a rag. Arriving at home, such husbands are unlikely to change dramatically: weak-willed will obey their relatives, strong and authoritarian men will try to control their wives even more. If a husband beats his wife, then usually he beats her everywhere: both in Russia and abroad. Conclusion: it is necessary to decide whether it is worth living with such a person or not before leaving Russia. If there are children in the marriage, then they need to become Russian citizens. After leaving for an Arab country, Russian citizenship cannot be changed either: our diplomatic services will only provide assistance to their citizens abroad, Russian legislation does not recognize dual citizenship.

At one time I came across an article "Why do you girls love the Syrians." I don’t remember which newspaper. The bottom line is that these Syrians married Russians, registered themselves, lived at their expense, and even beat their wives. I just could not understand how you can endure a parasite, prescribe him, and even allow yourself to be beaten! Note that it was in Russia, these women could get divorced, they could not get married at all, but live in a civil marriage. They could just leave - they are all Muscovites, they have a job and a residence permit. We could stop at this. However, these women went further: they gave birth to children from their husbands, but in twos. And then, having divorced, they raised a fuss: the fathers took the children to Syria. There was even a TV program, where the mufti from the Spiritual Directorate of Muslims of Russia publicly said what I am writing about: why was it necessary to give birth to children from them, and where are these Syrians - Muslims? Personally, I know that an Arab will not abandon his children, but I also saw various examples of divorces, where children remained with both their mother and father - in my experience, everything depends on a person. If, in the case of these Syrians, it is immediately clear what kind of people they are, no good can be expected from them.

In fairness, it should be noted that sometimes the most decent of the Arabs, before talking about marriage, talk about their country and faith. This initially puts potential brides in a state of shock, but, having recovered, they realistically look at the prospect of marriage with such a person, and in my experience, marriages are happy. You can also search for information about the husband's country on the Internet, read reference books, notes of travelers who have visited these countries, read something from fiction written by Arab authors. It is better to take modern writers, they paint a picture of life in their countries without embellishment and objectively, without avoiding problems and dark sides. I personally really like the Syrian writer Ulfat Ul Idlibi.

In fairness, it should be noted that the majority of happy marriages with Arabs were concluded with Russian Muslim women, Tatar women, residents of the North Caucasus. And the Arabs themselves were believers. In addition to professional education, the women also had a religious education, they spoke Arabic. Before marriage, the families of the husbands already accepted the daughter-in-law in absentia, and the families of the wives - the son-in-law. Agree, common spiritual values, parental support on both sides, fluency in Arabic - all this is a very good foundation for building relationships. However, these happy couples did not all leave for their husbands' homeland. The reasons are different. For example, there is a civil war in Sudan and Algeria. In the UAE, the Russian diploma received by husbands is not quoted, and they cannot find a job in their specialty. Egypt - a low standard of living, a poor health and education system. Only a few couples settled in Syria and Morocco, but in this case the fathers-in-law are rich people, which means that you can live in your home, in a clean and calm area, and often visit your parents in Russia. The downside is that you can't scold the ruler out loud, you can go to jail for this: there is no freedom of speech.

Most of my friends, happily married, returned to Russia from Sudan, Algeria and Egypt. Russia is also hard: those of my Sudanese friends who opened their own business in Russia (a confectionery shop) lost their money during the 1998 financial crisis. Therefore, those who could, left for the USA or Canada. Not sugar either: life from scratch with one suitcase. Those who stayed in Russia work in their specialty. Usually these are doctors (most of the Arabs educated in Russia are doctors). How doctors in Russia are paid is not for me to tell you, so wives also work, sometimes in the same hospital, to make ends meet.

You can ask me personally: would I marry an Arab? It is difficult for me to unequivocally answer this question. I would marry a good and believing person, and all my friends, the Arabs, did not want to go home, it was better for them in Russia ... I would gladly marry a Russian Muslim, but they were all dismantled. And among those Arabs who wanted to live in Russia, almost all drank and did not observe anything. I must say that among these guys there were good people, they helped me with work and generally helped in life, but I would not marry them. Moreover, I would not register anyone in my apartment: neither an Arab nor a Russian. Only, to obtain Russian citizenship, a residence permit is required, so no matter how wonderful an Arab is, I would not register it.

Again, for the sake of fairness, I must say that among my acquaintances Algerians there were guys who were successful in business. They bought housing with their own money, registered there, and honestly, through their labor they earned Russian citizenship, and then they got married, registering their wives in their apartments. But this is an exceptional case.

Everything I have written about here has one goal: when another letter comes from another girl who is in love with an Arab and is going to see him for permanent residence, remember my letter too. Trust me: I saw a huge number of mixed marriages, and for the most part, women with closed eyes rushed into the pool with their heads, not thinking about anything but their love. How many times have I tried to talk to these girls - it's useless, they heard nothing but the call of their hearts, and then many cried bitterly.

Written by a psychologist hiding under the pseudonym Evolution: Disassemble this letter yourself. Everything is clear here. I hope you will find and comment on all the most telling moments.

Hello Evolution. Here's my story. I will try to summarize it briefly, but in old age, I think it is necessary to write a novel))

I am 33, my husband is 38, in the process of divorce after 11 years of marriage. Children 10, 6 and 1.8 years old.

I met my husband online when I was 18, and for another 5 years I talked every (!) Day online while I was studying at the university. I was an exemplary girl from an ordinary family - a gold medal after school, a prestigious faculty and subsequently a red diploma. He is a student from an Arab country, smart, promising, a general's family. It was love like crazy. Once during these five years of communication, he came to me (we were separated by 8000 km), we, poor students, could not afford to fly to each other more often. I cannot say that at the first meeting I liked him of course, there was discomfort and doubts (I have a model height, he is not high). But we were already so close, I looked at his actions, falling in love - and gradually all doubts receded. There was no proximity then, we were determined to keep our innocence until marriage. After he left, we counted the days until we could be together. So two more years passed, I received my diploma, left an offer to work in a large company and a grant to continue my studies at a European university, bought tickets with the money sent to them, and flew away. There, to an Arab country. You can add my family's reaction to all this madness, but after five years no one had the strength to resist.

His family greeted me well (I know that they weren't too enthusiastic, but all decency was observed). We signed, first lived with our mothers-in-law, then they rented an apartment for us closer to my husband's work. At that moment, he was just beginning his career, and we, to say the least, were strapped for funds. At the same time, they were happy. And then I find myself pregnant. I was not ready for this, I was upset, I thought about what we would be raising a child for. My husband was delighted, but with all this began to say that this should be my decision. I felt even bitter from such words, this was not what I expected to hear from my man. I was thinking of flying off to give birth to Russia, and then how it goes ... Timid "it's your choice" and "choose me" were disproportionate to the situation.

I stayed. A miracle happened, and he was offered a good position in one of the Gulf countries (the most strict and closed Arab country). We moved, and there I gave birth to a son. After giving birth, we had problems that later arose after the birth of each child. I was loaded, did not get enough sleep, my husband blamed the lack of attention, was jealous of my child. The specifics of the environment in which we lived left a heavy imprint. It was impossible to walk or go somewhere else, my world was locked in four walls, I had to ask my husband about everything. He worked and tired, the last thing he wanted to entertain us in the evenings and weekends. On the contrary, he expected entertainment from me, I was all so hot, dressed up and in love had to pounce on him as soon as he crossed the threshold of the house. By the year of my son, I was looking for a job, anyone! Just to get out of the house. I will add that this was a super-task for a foreigner without Arabic in an extremely patriarchal society, few women work there (I don't even know how they preserve marriages). I succeeded, I was offered a position in the company of a local prince. It was so cool, my OZ skyrocketed, even my salary was not much less than my husband's. The relationship immediately leveled off, he flaunted his acquaintances, proudly called me a business woman. I don't even remember any particular problems from that period ...

A couple of years later, we wanted a second child, I immediately became pregnant, left work. The long-awaited daughter, the husband really wanted the girl. However, history repeated itself, I did not reach the paradise huria. When my daughter was about half a year old, her husband announced that he could no longer do this, and that it would be better for all of us (!) If he took a second wife. It was the collapse of my world, I cried all day on the bed. I felt so scared - where am I, and who am I? I don't even have anywhere to go. And if I decide to leave for Russia - will he let go, give up the children? She said to her husband that if she wants to, let him marry, but I will not participate in this - a divorce. He thought about it and said that he did not agree to a divorce and did not want to lose me ... so be it, he would not look for a second wife. I remember that his words did not make me much easier, I realized that I had to take care of myself and be ready for anything. My husband held me tight to him, he seemed to even cry, saying that I belonged only to him, forever, and he would not let me go anywhere ...

Then I followed the proven scheme (intuitively, I had not read anything like Evolution then). My daughter is one year old, new job, health care has increased, relations have improved. The boss is in love with me, my husband feels it, is jealous, but does not show it (I am sure of me, as he later said - "I trust you more than myself"). At this moment, I push my husband to apply for immigration to Canada, we collect all the documents, get a residence permit. The spouse hesitates whether to move right now, or postpone. He has a favorite job in an international company, he is growing up the career ladder. And in Canada - it is not known how everything will be ...

The impossible happens here. I find myself pregnant with a spiral. I already knew what awaited me after giving birth, and felt that I was not ready to go through this meat grinder in a relationship with my husband. He again starts the bagpipes that this is "my decision", and that he is still glad. I would never refuse a child, so there is nothing to decide ... We planned a hasty move to Canada so that the child was born there.

Then there was a terrible episode in his parents' vacation when he hit me. He was in a deranged state, my husband's sister pulled him off me ... I said that I want a divorce ... and then stopped to myself. I am in his country, next to his family, and I am in a dependent position. I thought about children, and what I needed to hold out until moving to Canada. He asked for forgiveness, said that he hated himself. I didn't want to see or hear him. I barely talked to him for a month, the first time we had such a long period without intimacy. He made amends as best he could. However, later he let slip that I brought him to this (it's my own fault), and now he will suffer from this for the rest of his life.

We moved to Canada, the youngest son was born. This period (2 years) to this day is a complete trash in our personal relationships. I noticed that my husband communicates with girls on the phone. I was taken aback. Before that, I had absolute trust. He replied that the communication was friendly. I asked to be friends with men. I think from that moment on he liked to manipulate my jealousy. He promised (and sometimes did not promise, he just kept silent about my claims) to stop, I believed, and then I found correspondence again. Now I understand that he left them for me. Did you take revenge on me? Did you want to hurt, trample, bend? He seems to hate me. Despite the fact that he found a good job, and everything was going quite well for us in the new country, my husband was in a frightening state for me ... began to go to a psychotherapist, antidepressants, irritability not only to me, but also to children, zero patience ... There were periods when he suddenly became energetic, affectionate, attentive, but this lasted a day or two at most. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It seemed to me that there were no global reasons to be unhappy with our marriage. I thought that his depression would be cured, that everything would fall into place. Freed him as much as possible from housework and other responsibilities. Agreed to buy him a sports bike. Then we bought a house on a mortgage, it was his life's dream. He made repairs, took into account all my wishes, dreamed of how we would live there. I started my own small online business, which quickly gained momentum, my husband encouraged and sometimes helped.

The last straw was the email I found in his mail. It was a copy of his chat with a travel agent (a romantic trip for two on the dates of my departure to Russia). I demanded that he move from us to the house where the renovation was going on. The husband did not apologize, did not make excuses. He said that he had set up everything that he had no one (yet), but he wanted me to kick him out, to break up with him myself. How could I have gotten him to do this, I was disgusted by my own stickiness ... I asked if he would give me a divorce, my husband left for another room, did not answer, but in the end, in a trembling voice, said that he would ...

We had a lot of fights-correspondence after that, on the verge of agony. His main accusation is that I never really wanted him, and I didn’t love him either. And although he loves me, he cannot continue to live with me, but could only if he had another woman / wife who would neutralize my "depression". But he is unlikely to find such, although he will try again with his first love (Arab, divorced after a month of unsuccessful marriage). To trample me completely - he sent me "random" screenshots from his phone, where the avatar of his ex was already hanging (matchmaking began, five minutes after the divorce). He complained to his family (he always did this before) about all our problems, down to intimate details. My father-in-law later called me and lectured me, taught me about my responsibilities to my husband. Even my aunt's husband wrote a treatise through a translator about what kind of "undelivered" I am. Tin.

I tried and environmentally friendly apologize goodbye ("sorry for the stubbornness and unwillingness to change for you ... we can not be with you, because I am not able to share you with either second wives or mistresses"). The effect was as follows - it reinforced his innocence in the break (I myself admitted my guilt that I destroyed everything, and he is a victim, he endured his slavery for so long). Once he offered to write lists with wishes of changes to each other. The next day he changed his mind, said that he was afraid of repetition. Then I offered to try to improve relations one last time for the sake of the children. Also no.

I love my husband and do not want to lose him. I'm desperate. But I am no longer ready to be rejected again and again. Staying friends in the same house for the sake of children (as he once suggested), but in fact living your life ... this is beyond my understanding, this is hell. Just like sharing it with someone. It would be better if he completely disappeared from my field of vision. But we have children. I drive away thoughts of him, work on a locus of control, take care of resources .. I will go to full-time college, although it’s very scary that I cannot cope with three children alone.

I would be grateful for analyzing my situation.

Marina Yaroslavtseva writes: About a letter from a woman who married an Arab man. I tried to be silent, but I read the analysis of her text and just breaks. Everything is not so elementary, Watson, as it seems, and if I had not communicated with a woman living in the United Arab Emirates, I would not have known what actually happened in this family, simply because I would have analyzed the situation from the point of view of the Russian - like the Evolution itself - aunts.

Evo madam is smart, not to take away, but there are peculiarities of mentality, and pure erudition, whether you know about it or not. Babu, who rushed off to live in another country with its characteristics and accepted behavior there, she can assess and diagnose correctly, without question, but ... not a man living in a different perception of reality.

So, we read that a poor woman came from Russia to an eastern country, gave birth to three children, after each birth she is stably sour (not feeling the worship of her maternal heroism, as in Russia, because in the east, giving birth is a norm and happiness, not a feat) , and her husband mirrored her condition. After that, every time she left the kids, went to work, the respect of the spouse was restored, only he, the goat, all the time wanted warmth and affection, so he asked to have a second wife so that she would give it to him (that is, on the first he put a fat cross, realizing, that these things from her will never be seen).

Let's look at the situation, as a standard Russian woman sees it. I am a queen, I gave birth to a monument to me, I can endure a brain for my spouse, because he is a priori obliged and gives little than I really deserve. Little, little, and LITTLE. Little respect, reverence, appreciation of the heroic efforts of staying at home with the baby, spending the bitch of his best years on you.

But this is the Russian point of view. We forget that a man is, in principle, from another country. There, the woman's role is different, not just ANOTHER, but a different one, generally not like ours. These queens are not there, their man, in principle, cannot imagine, therefore, all their communication before marriage was perceived through the prism of his customs.

There must be a woman there - to provide comfort, psychological in the first place, no one there brought him up to carry his wife in his arms, as the majority of us who deal with children from kindergarten to college do - chronically lonely women who hate everything with a chromosome. What is the first thing they teach boys? You MUST obey GIRLS because you have a different pussy. Dot. Must. A slave from birth on the basis of gender.

Can you imagine what a jamb of perception ?! You know that a family is when a husband loves his wife, then children will be born and die one day. And suddenly it turns out that for your man, marriage is a free union, no childbirth, and every day a mistress is in your bed.

Shock? Shock, of course. And no one is to blame, some have such an idea, others have something else. And here I will explain what my namesake did not eat. Yes, there are no balances there, dynamic or heny, there is nothing to do with pumping with a resource and loci of different types with crowns at the ready. IT'S EASIER.

The man expected that the same oriental wife would come and he would be happy. And who is it? A woman-muse who greets with a smile from work, gives energy, is always glad to her husband, gives love and adoration. An oriental man comes home from work and is GLAD to him, they cannot stand the brain, namely they are happy to see him. The stress and negativity of the working day is relieved from him, they replenish his strength.

This is a normal oriental marriage. A yin woman, not our Russian eternally dissatisfied woman of traditional marriage. Of course the man aaahrenel. He thought that if he provided for the family, he would get a spouse who gives birth and builds a nest, and not a depressed snake grinding his eggs on a fist holding a baby.

He told her that he wanted a second wife or would go nuts. She decided it was about sex. Yes, nichrome is not about bed, it's about support and support, about love, after all! There is such a thing, yes, it is called love. This is when you burn and another person burns in response to you,

This story is not about what is wrong and not given there. All this is about the difference in mentality, which breaks most of the marriages concluded with foreigners. Traditional marriage, ours, soviet, it means a woman not around a man's neck, and she also rules them for some reason. Eastern is a woman-muse, inspirer of her man, his good mood, infusion of energy, removal of negativity. Or the Western partnership, when no one owes anything to anyone, we live together simply because now we like it and nothing more.

And when people fall in love, they usually don’t think what the other’s got for marriage. They simply project their opinion about the family, not suspecting that another's opinion may be fatally different. And here the OPS is a surprise! I want a second wife, because you, bitch, have already eaten my whole brain with a teaspoon. I don’t have the strength, and I want to take a little place, I want a woman who will greet me from work with a smile.

And he is completely right. Here I am on his groan, definitely. If an oriental man, with three children, wants to leave, this is his scribe how they got it. His brain was sucked through his toes. This Russian classic depressive bore has gnawed the bald spot in his curly oriental head.

Fall in love. Get married. Just look at the mentality, so as not to shed crocodile tears and not embarrass yourself on the Internet, without even understanding this in principle. I brought the peasant, left her, now she is crying - I want to return. But he was shitty, he didn’t like him, he even beat him, he corresponded with other women’s women, but now “I want to return”. Is this a receipt for its complete insolvency? Nobody wants to covet anymore, nobody needs BM and the chance is worthless, but the only one?

She writes that when she went to work, her husband changed his attitude towards her for the better. Fuck you. Read another - when I started to plow, I didn't have the strength to plow his brains the way she did it, sitting at home - that's all the improvement, no psychology with pumping resources, and expensive trainings are not needed.

It's simple.

Do not think that if you have a tangle of relationships in your life, then this is a really unique tangle and you need to unravel it with mega-professionals for a lot of money.

Often you need a few basic concepts and common sense, and if there is no second, then generally nichrome will not help you.