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Communication with newborns. Family crisis after the birth of the baby

In your family changed the relationship after the birth of the firstborn? Many will answer this question definitely: "Yes." Indeed, the appearance of a child cannot do not affect the family of a family, a psychological atmosphere, relationship between husband and wife, other relatives.

After a survey among women who recently became moms, I found out that most of them say that relations with the advent of the child in their family changed for the worse (55% of respondents), a little less of opinion for improving relationships (35%) and a small part The respondents said that the relationship did not change in any way (10%). The survey among young fathers showed about the same picture: for the worse - 70%, in the better - 25%, did not change - 5%.

Do not rush to sadness, the third little man in the family is not superfluous! This state of affairs is a completely normal picture. We will understand the problem in order and start with good.

Hurrah! Now we are family

We gave birth together to our artemka, "says Anna. - I immediately noticed in the postpartum ward, how my husband changed! We are tired, but we cried as happy ... I and my husband love each other even more. The baby gave the right to us to be called family! Somewhere I read: if after birth, you did not divorce, then love settled in your house.

We have a little better relationship, "says Julia. - We in the child see each other's reflection. When I see how the husband does with the child, I love it even more. Although it seems that there is no more now.

Girls are absolutely right, the real family is when there is a child. Baby, in which both mother and father's features are reflected in the mirror. "How your baby is like dad!" - will say the observation neighbor. "And beautiful as mom!" - Confirm the passerby. There is no more pleasant words, because our children are the continuation of us.

Life does not pass in vain if someone in this world will tell you "Mom"! This opinion is also adhered to modern psychologists. They note that Maternity is in many ways a beneficial effect on a woman. We become confident in yourself, as they achieved self-realization in life; Attitude towards life becomes more positive.

Scientists argue that a woman who has a child who has been born will be clever ... Due to hormonal changes in its body, the size of the cells in separate parts of the brain increases, which has a beneficial effect on his work. Yes, and the little child himself and the care of him makes mommy be conscious, collected, find solutions in the most unexpected situations.

Beneficial changes in the body after the birth of the child are not only moms. Fathers who take part in the upbringing of the baby are also changing for the better. For example, the work of the brain is improved, especially those departments that are responsible for planning and memory.

We undergo our husbands and psychological changes. They are proud of their paternity, because it puts them in society into several steps above. Young dads feel responsible for the kid, trying more to earn money to provide a family. Penetrate by respect for their second half, especially if they were in childbirth.

The presence of a husband in childbirth brings together couples. But I would like to make a reservation that it is about such participation, to which the couple specially prepared, attended partnership courses, if necessary, consulted with a psychologist.

It used to be believed that the upbringing of children affects the psyche of women much more than the psyche of men. But the latest studies of male experiences have shown that paternity affects men as much as motherhood on women.

The first serious test for a young family becomes the birth of a child. If you have been married for several years in marriage, before getting off the offspring, it will be easier to survive difficulties, but no one will give guarantees for one hundred percent success. As my small sociological study shows, a fairly large percentage of women tend to believe that the appearance of the baby improved relationships with her husband. This does not mean that there are no problems in their family, rather look at them from a positive point of view.

If we talk about relationships, our relations have become stronger, "says Maria," the husband became more courteous, as he sees that I was tired. And I began to treat my husband attentive, as I see how he was torn at work for us. But at the same time, the load on our shoulders is felt, therefore, "Rugacles" are, and misunderstandings, which previously had almost no. If we talk about life in general, then, of course, ours has changed cool! Well, maybe not so cool with her husband, but I have for sure! All day count at home, there is almost no time for myself, communication is minimal, nights are inside and so on. The birth of a child in the family is a great test, very heavy, but at the same time such a pleasant ...

The birth of a child brought a lot of new family in our family, "says Sergey. - Many, a lot of good, joyful and light. But no less problems. I try to smooth out unpleasant moments, I understand how it's hard with a baby, myself, after giving birth, did not recover. I think, over time, everything will work out, we will learn to live in a new quality - as parents.

Parents raising children together with his spouse have a smaller risk of depression compared to those who raise children alone, psychologists approve. There is no doubt. It is easier to carry difficulty to endure difficulties, the main thing is not to create them for each other.

If the crisis has come

According to statistics, many couples disintegrate in the first two or three years after the birth of a child. In general, every second steam is exposed to the divorce. Why? After all, it would seem, the birth of a child makes the family full. What is the cause of misunderstanding between spouses? Maybe it's from excessive male pride or female incontinence? I think everything is not so definitely ...

Relationships were just terrible, "Catherine says. "It's not easy for me to talk about it and consciously, but our relationship is horrible." Nor a day, then a quarrel, someone is unhappy with someone, and then the mother-in-law whirls oil into the fire. To be honest, then I sometimes consider a divorce, but then I will look at the child and I understand that I do not want to deprive him a full-fledged family.

After the birth of my daughter, my husband and I often began to silent, "says Anastasia. - We have different views on raising and attitude towards the child. Redue to the point that when Masha turned a year, we divorced. He has another woman. I regret that I could not save the family ...

I remember that I used to be surprised how so: got married, were so happy, and then a child was born, and they were separated, "says Alicia. Could not understand this and take. Now I understand that the birth of a child is the test of the family for strength. I am glad that we have stood it. Our relationship, of course, have changed. The family has a new leader and at the same time the center of the Universe.

First of dad

Here's how it sees this problem and her decision uncle Benjamin Spock: "The husband can feel over in the depths of soul. The desire to spend evenings with buddies outside the house, in courtship for other women. At the same time, the wife turns out to support her husband at the time when she needs her most when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins. "

The Great Pediatrician of All Times and Peoples shows us that the period of appearance in the family of the baby is heavy not only for his mother, but also for the Father. He writes: "Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like a head of the family - for the staff he is just another visitor ... The time comes to bring a family home, but the wife (like grandmother or other assistants) is worried about the child, and Again, the husband plays mainly the role of a porter. "

After such words you understand your husband. Why and from what sometimes he behaves completely wrong. It simply says offense and jealousy that now he is not needed, as if he fulfilled his duty and is now free.

All accounted for her husband's attention is now given to the child, - shares his impressions of Paul's fatherhood. - By the way, for girls the vocation "Mother", much more significant than the "wife." Therefore, the husband is moving into the background.

I could not realize the first six months that I still had a child except for my wife, "says Arkady. - Then I had to take myself in hand. From sensations - immediately after the hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the insult went. There was no time to be offended, it was necessary to educate a child.

Benjamin Spock proposes to actively include her husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and care for the baby. Spouses can attend the doctor together, go to consultation and courses for preparing for childbirth. If your husband wants to attend childbirth, do not deny him. You can dedicate the future fellow not in all the sacraments of the birth of the heir.


For example, my husband was limited to what helped me in the prenatal ward, then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby appeared on the light and shouted, he was again invited to me, or rather, already to us ... Medpersonal congratulated the newly-made coup, the midwife seriously told about how childbirth was gone, the pediatrician reported that the kid was healthy and time to wash it, Measure and wrap in first clothes. The husband was invited to take part in the inspection of our son, where he made the first photos of the heir.

I do not cease to tell my husband's words of gratitude for support in a difficult moment. Then, in the prenatal chamber, he really was I needed: we sang, and puffers, and dropped when the fight was ... I think such an active part in the birth rallied us even more, set up a further family life in the right, friendly bed.

Later to the care of the baby, I also tried to connect my husband. Sometimes it was purely symbolically, but it is very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the first days, the challenge change the diaper to the baby of our dad put in a dead end, and this process was delayed. But over time, he all began to get, it gave rise to pride in front of familiar and friends. He like a cracker shared with moms on the playground with observations for the son, she also had a young and inexperienced, but, of course, in a joke ...

And now about mom

Without special attention and care, a young mammy can not. Moreover, the care of the husband should not be limited only to making money. Good words, a bouquet of flowers is just like that, helping home and care for the child - sometimes it is enough to preserve a strong family.

"Husband must constantly remember that his wife has much more difficult than him, especially after returning home from the maternity hospital. Her body experienced indigenous physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, the wife cannot fail to experience serious concern. The child constantly requires It is a huge nervous and physiological tension: to give a lot of peaceful forces to the child, it should receive increased care and attention from her husband, "these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.

The birth of a child in my family is exactly stressful, and even very strong, "says Dmitry. - And here it is very important not to close in yourself, and all the problems arising must be pronounced ... an abstract understanding that in this period a woman is very difficult - not enough. And, maybe I am mistaken, but it is on a man who lies the responsibility that everyone speaks ... only, as a rule, they talk about "responsibility for his wife and child", and here it is still important and responsibility for those relations...

I must say, the men have a good job, "Constantine argues. - A woman wears a child for nine months, then he gives birth to me in flour, and then herself wipes the snot, the diapers change, at night I do not sleep ... I love my wife at night. In all, I try to help her with a child, and not only in words, but in practice. If it were possible, I would be sitting with her and our six-month son at home. But the world is designed so that the man needs to go to work.

All other difficulties need to be remembered also about the "postpartum depression" (or "Baby Blues" syndrome), which, as a thunder among the clear sky, fell on the poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem necessary to rejoice: here he was born, the long-awaited beloved kid! Healthy, cheerful: but no, crying from something young mommy, tears pour, frustrated. According to statistics, deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year, has been susceptible to each tenth fever. Most often it is a woman of 25-45 years.

Here it is necessary to keep abreast of affairs in order to safely experience the weightless period. Doctors say that the whole thing in the unstable position of hormones, the restructuring of the body and so on. But I know by myself, the very fact of the birth of the firstborn - the strongest shock for a woman. This has not happened to you yet! Feelings, little to say, impressive ... The hair end up from the experienced. And I do not mean physical pain and fear, although it is also there, I'm talking about psychological sensation. To reveal the world of a new person, a real living person - that's what's the point! Here, not only depression, temporary turbidity reason can be taken.

The first of your assistants in the middle of the postpartum depression are husband and loved ones. They should clearly understand the nature of your concern, unfortunately crying and fears. In no case can not scold and poison a poor woman for being overly survived, twitching for each occasion and crying. Rehend with understanding to a young mommy, if you can't calm down, at least do not force the situation yourself, once again silent ... Remember, such a state is completely normal, and it will soon pass.

At the same time, the young mammy itself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. If possible, try to keep yourself in your hands. If it is in your power, try not to break down on your husband for a minor guide. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated in the day makes us uncontrollable, irritable, but this is not the reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.

Opinion of a specialist

To summarize today's conversation, we will trust Solve Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, a psychologist, teacher of the Pedagogical Institute. A small blitz interview will unite all of the above today and will give an installation on a cloudless future of family life.

Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the cause of the family crisis after the birth of a child?

When the baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on it. Mom gives him his love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad can feel his closure. He may feel that he is forgotten and thrown, he is little given love and care. And then the situation can develop in two ways.

The first way to develop relations: a new "baby" will appear in the house. This is our dad begins to "capricious", or simply avoids the place where "he is not like now." In this situation, Mom remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for the kid, it is very important. Although he still does not understand words, but he very well catches intonation.

In general, in no case cannot use a child for their own purposes "to strengthen the family" or "to hold a husband." It is unacceptable to shift in a small, defenseless baby responsibility for his actions and mistakes, to take their problems to him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, they are both.

The second way: A real adult self-sufficient man appears in the house, who is sensible, without illusions looks at things and is ready to be strong. He helps his love for the baby and to his mother, he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than him. And mom really needs his support and help. But in order not to be alone with himself or with his "abandonment", such dad begins to help. And after a while he feels that he is very necessary that he is very loved and waiting.

In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts, starting something to do, and it is better to help those who need help. Internal satisfaction from the well-made is the best medicine.

How to resolve this problem?

There are no universal techniques. Each family has its own problems and their reasons, each family is individual and unique. In challenging cases, it is necessary to deal with each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: The birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how the family will pass this test depends both from her husband and from his wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, trust, then such a test will only strengthen them. Loving spouses support each other without requiring something in return.

Remember:

  • if a quarrel happened between you, put yourself in the spouse's place. Sometimes it is enough to revise the conflict and find its decision;
  • do not swear with your husband with strangers, even if you are right. Do no strength stop? Show your discontent silently with my eyes, so that he saw only he. Women can do it;
  • try to speak according to the "I-Message" scheme. That is, express your claims here in this form: "I believe that you are not right!", Not categorically: "You are wrong!";
  • relatives and relatives should not interfere in your relationship, impose and indicate how to care for the child in the end, the responsibility for everything will fall on you;
  • do not pue oils into the fire. Try to reduce the conflict for as soon as possible;
  • you too can be wrong, despite the fact that you are harder;
  • this is your husband, and you choose it yourself, it means that there is something good in it, for which you love it. Try not to forget about the positive moments of your marital life.

Anna Kuznetsova

Discussion

What stared with this Spock that he is a great pediatrician ... Fool is clear that there are others, here just led his theory as an example ... There will be no man who read the article, use it as a panacea ... This is one of the opinions and It has the right to exist. The essence of the article to support young families and is much more important !!! And the experts of the hypenrater would take yes wrote their article !!! Che can be clever ...

The article is good, but if everything was so simple. My husband does not want to be attracted to family matters. He believes that he earns money - and this is his whole contribution. Child 1.5 years. The most difficult behind. But nothing left of our relationship with her husband. He does not want to help me. "Caring for a child is a female thing," he believes. I say help me, I have a breakdown of the time that I can give you. But he does not want. Says, let's hire the nanny. But it sounds like a threat. Because "Nanyu" he would hire for himself. (We had a dispute, how much I can hold out and not to request a nanny). Yes, and I do not want someone else's man in the house. My husband never loved me (but did not change, as it seems to me), I got used to it and perceived as proper. Now I feel sorry for myself. I live for myself and the child. I care about my husband. But I would like to have a man in the house, and not a small child "Hanging all evening on the Hope", which would share my concerns and allow it to split it.

He wrote to figure out their lives to be. And it's not easier for me that someone has the same problems.

11/21/2006 10:39:58, Gulchatai

You know, I read the reviews here and realized that everything was about me. With one difference only: I do not know why, but I had enough strength not to give up, but to fight on.
After childbirth, I'm just all, to their shame, threw, slept on 2 hours a day for two months. Everybody did: washing, ironing, diapers, cooking, feeding, cleaning, walking, bathing, dressing, washing dishes, washing floors ... The list can be continued endlessly! I really wanted to divorce. The first insight was the words of the husband: "Stop portray my heroine from himself!". I remember that it was offended and did not talk to him for several days. And then I realized that my exploits were not needed by anyone. If there was no strength to wash the dishes, I was not soap, and the mountain remained in the sink until the morning - my husband had to wash her all the same. Could not hang underwear, did not hang, could not wash - did not wash. And the husband himself began to delve into eclipses - it is necessary to live. If you have nothing to wear - you need to wash, hang underwear. I began to actively pass a husband to care about the child, even if I didn't work out something, I praised him, despite the fact that I wanted to overheat with something heavy and shout. He began to bathe the baby, walk with him, change diapers. To helping the house: first to be a little, then more. I began to talk to him calmly, and not shouting as before, I spoke to a flat voice that it was hard for me to do something, please! The struggle was not easy and still periodically behaved, sometimes I wanted to lower my hands and throw everything!
And now we have all deeds in half, and not for purely female and men.
And you want to believe, you want no, I almost defeated a very demanding child (waking up at least 6 times per night) and a husband, who after the birth of the baby began without exaggeration just an egoist in a square!
The simplest problem is simply not to decide: divorce, depict the sacrifice of your home, walking a sense of duty and so on. And you can take the will in a fist, and slowly (let the millimeter per hour), but it is right to move to its goal - the creation of a real family, where everyone supports each other, love and enjoyed being close to each other, and not from watching TV Alone while the wife is inspisted.
And yet, no one says that with the child you have to sit at home in the four walls, but to leave only in the next park. I began to feel like a man after we started riding a child to visit, walking in a cafe, shops. After all, now a lot is equipped for strollers, there are children's chairs in the cafe, in the seats stores in the catalogs, in the subway it is not forbidden to drive with a carriage. And about any infection: we instill with kids, feed breast milk (immunnet from the mother), you can not ride with children when the special pussy of people. Live and rejoice in life, fight and you will succeed!
And at the end, I would like my feedback not to be perceived as boasting - like everything is super. This is not so. Everyone has problems. But it is necessary to decide and not give up. It is named women and given motherhood, because they are more attentive, patient and enduring than men (just do not be offended).

10/17/2006 22:36:54, Vilivina

I would very much like the author of the second message read my review. It happened that I am almost in a similar situation. Only not in Ukraine, but here, in Moscow. The problems are all the same, and solves two or build, or break. Dear Dskorr. You love. Yes, and the wife is probably too. After all, it was so sheltered !!! It most likely accumulated fatigue for all the previous time from the moment of conception. Not tension, but discharge. You (I mean your family) shelled, gave birth to cared and cared. All this requires the earliest efforts on your part of the material, from the wife of the wife - life, child. I do not appreciate what's more difficult. Everyone worked. Now the child has become a little more easily, you subconsciously feel that you already have the right and want attention to myself. But to refraart the situation and change your life on one day or night is impossible. You have ripe on changes. It is a protest. I need to start working. Only you already with my wife should become in the first place, the child is loved. Whatever your mater is difficult. position. Get out and cut the time for two. Through fatigue. Attract the nanny, anyone you trust, even a neighbor, for 1-2 hours with a child will not happen to this role, for 1-2 hours. And let the wife go to work. It will become more interesting to live, the cargo of home worries will not be so burdensome, and it will matter to you. It will be elementary to talk about whether you have done your baby. And still find a family psychologist. Communicate with my wife, it must understand what exactly you do not have. Start it to help in everyday life, set up and do not forget about small signs of attention (dinner, flowers, etc.) It is necessary to work on the preservation of the family, if it is expensive to you. Don't be afraid to give your love. And no one promised to light ways after birth . Yes, and strong families are not just so saved. Love and be loved.
and wish good luck to me. I really want to return my husband's love and live and raise your daughter with her dad.

Well, it is not so pessimistic. Mild on weekends to the park, where children's entertainment, watch for children 3-4 years old, it is already independent personalities, it's interesting with them !!! The first year is always difficult, much depends on the material situation in the family and from the age of parents, and of course, from the nature of the child. But everything will pass, the child will grow up and the Sun will work out. Love and maintain each other, drain the easiest way (

and what, besides one pediatrician of the last century, no one more about these problems says ??? Somehow, in my opinion, this is not the most important person on this problem ... and the "I-saying" or "Message" does not imply pronounced the pronouncement. NIGHT. Neither at the beginning of the phrase, nor in the middle, nor at the end. Although the hyphenreiver read ...

You know, I want to open the despair young parents. From my own experience I know that 1 year is the most difficult. Then, believe me, it will be better. The child will already be more independent, adults will be able to give each other longer, and the quality of relationships changes. Pope becomes interesting to educate the child. Mom will be able to devote yourself for some time. Good luck to all young parents !!!

Do you know what advice does I want to give married women going to give birth to a child? Divide as soon as possible before delivery, so as not to do this after. And unmarried can only be envied: they will calmly raise the baby, and not twitch and do not cry at night from the fact that her husband is absolutely indifferent to both you and your child, and your semi-dimensional condition. Well, of course, it is much easier to take advantage of one child than to serve a husband. Or are you help waiting from a man? Do not wait! The only one who can help a woman after childbirth is her mother, and if there is no such assistant, then it is only worth counting on himself. Or try to accumulate money and take the housekeeper at least for the first months of the baby's life - in contrast to her husband, it will really easily facilitate your life.

Before the birth of a child, I lived with my husband for 3 years, I considered it an ideal partner, and would never have thought that I would write so sharp and fierce reviews. But, honestly, after all that I had to survive, I dream about the fate of a single mother for his daughter. Ask why I did not divorce? And there was nowhere to go! How, actually, and so far.

And yet: one entertaining story on the theme "Children and Husbands". One of my acquaintances, to which the husband was then "carefully" and "tremble" as "carefully", as to me, I decided to endure everything and forgive everyone. But when the child was already 7 years old, the husband once came from work and on some problem associated with the child, whom the wife was shared with him, responded with irritation. Like, disassemble myself! Then the wife remembered everything that was for these 7 years, and launched a frying pan in her husband. Cast iron. It's good that he managed to cover the door, and then my friend was sitting now. And just just lost the door (a frying pan) and her husband broke through it. But if this woman regrets about something, then about the loss of the door.

All you are good, undelivered mothers. Stretch!

10/14/2006 19:22:06, ABVGD

Once again, collapsed with his wife ... left her spent the night to work. Drinking beer (not drinking). I sit. I cry, waiting for it will end. Where to look for help, how to deal with it. I found this article on the network. It was even better, even a desire to call his beloved, talk to souls, in order to find general mutual relationship in the future and do not bring relationships to the "Battle of Stalingrad". What can I say? If you read men, I would like to calm them now clean, and hold families who have found themselves in a similar situation. Speaking about yourself - the problem is complex, and for me it is in such a "scale" for the first time. I am 20, my wife is older. Pregnancy took place extremely difficult: three conservation, complex labor, etc. during these 9 months - she was for me another person (which by the way was remembered for a lifetime, this period of fluffy, good, saint, the period of "crossing" with his Particle). I love my wife very much, and with "more or or less" with the concept of sexual sex during this period, and even more so with a difficult tooling of the child. Son was born. I am pulled out by days at work, plus study. The wife is home from the first month of pregnancy, and to this day. After childbirth, the situation of avalanche began to cover relations and our family. I began to hide from the "invisible horror," began to linger at work to the very cognition, less often call. I became uncomplicated myself. I am very happy, I was very waiting and madly happy about the birth of a relatively son. But psychologically this avalanche, this mass of emotions was impossible to overcome. For the period almost 8 months, the number "times in bed" can be counted on the fingers. But moreover, it is absolutely not what was still some year ago (although, I confess, a couple of times we have carried out more than two) ... The problem is the same - passivity, not the desire to have sex at your wife. In the soul - I understand everything. Son is somewhat (or even eight!) Once it stands overnight - change of diapers, chest. I'm on the bed nearby - I suffer, I do not get enough sleep. In the morning - son is like a swallow. Seven in the morning (or even six!) - games, mobility activity. Wife is difficult, as I did not sleep. I - to work, son - leave on my wife. She has everything about all time half an hour and morning toilet. Breakfast - and before the evening meeting. She (I feel sorry for her) with the son of the whole Dena. Walking on the street does not compensate the environment of the four walls for the second year in a row. In the evening - I come to an exhausted, snack and relax the maximum hour. The child's evening to bathe and stack (the process is also not less than half an hour) to sleep. And so the "system" works for a week. It turns out, I do not see my wife (I myself), she is constantly with the child. It's great! And I want to be with the child, be with my family. But we are not happy with your wife, we cannot pay enough time to each other, we cannot relax. I miss this. The only thing is after you have laid a child to sleep - a semi-rigid dialogues in the kitchen sitting both as "semi-dimensional". Not a bad eye, looking at the prospect of the child's growing up today - I do not see anything for us so far there for us. The child will grow. The attention will be needed more (our beauty is already starting to use their first movement and literacy skills). Accordingly, we will also be tired more. The wife is going to work when the child is a year (I can understand it - a cry of a soul from four walls and a closed world, mirroring everyday life, etc.). But this also does not change the situation. Today, the idea that my family is not an exception - I cleared the breath slightly ... But no confidence that I will return home and the world will be different ...
My personally suggestions, this is a meeting of me from working on the street in a stroller, a walk (although I come from the last strength, but, slowly, talk, go through, here to be three times the desire is stronger than physical possibilities). The second is, if it is late, and the walk fails - bathing the child together, father's care, so that mom rested. Although these half an hour most people do not save, essentially. It is possible to revise the approach and pastime on the weekend. Indeed, send a favorite shopping spouse, in a cinema, to the pool somewhere or something else to come up ... Thereby, I deprive the very necessary me (us) of the "duet" time, but I am sure that after the short-term liberation of my wife from maternal worries when she can think about something with his own (in contrast when we together, she thinks to quickly go back to the child and did not start Lyon to cry there at the grandmother while we travel to shop), it will provide her at least on A couple of days ahead of the "restraint", when it will not be so annoying for me because of fatigue, it will also be in hand and somehow be able to unwind. In general, what to say? You can write a lot and long, everything is not easy. Will need, balance, restraint, a set of patience, courage, forces, love, energy charge. Essently try all this "Arsenal" skillfully use, and it is when "the opportunity" appears "(and not as always" comes time ") to completely discharge it with a foam, massage, relax with candles, not exactly undergoing together under the blanket And to understand the truth of a strong family of love, which is actually still undoubtedly present under the "avalanche of problems and worries" ...

When a newborn appears in the family, even those of children who were looking forward to him, completely different strings often begin to play - they can feel overwhelmed, envy appears. These feelings are more or less familiar with all the firstbots, but not everyone is equally intense. And more, not always completely negative, as they have a certain psychological meaning - encourage the child to find new forms of behavior in the family. Children try to adhere to adult demands more (after all, this is the path to the additional attention of parents: "How good that you can stay and help your baby - you are a real one assistant!"), To join all your behavior to the world of adults.

Changes in the family under favorable conditions become an incentive, the impetus in the development of the first child's personality. They can contribute to overcoming egoism, direct the child's energy to approve themselves in more mature ways to communicate with parents, in helping others, in creativity. However, when negative feelings are too intense, they can cause deep psychological problems. Let's try to analyze several situations in the family and find those reasons that contribute to the emergence of painful experiences in the heart of the firstborn.

Lina, a girl of two and a half years, was a cheerful, mischievous. Despite the small age, she has already spoken well, loved moving games, took part in role-playing games and played herself. Lina loved when adults paid attention to her, she always tried to be in the center, inventing different non-residents, acting as an actress or clown. In the meantime, a brother appeared in the family, to whom the parents were very happy. Father often in the presence of a girl booked to friends that, finally, they were not born someone, and son; Mother also was constantly busy newborn. Lina at first he was friendly brother, but gradually her feelings began to cool, the first aggressive attacks against the boy appeared. Once, the mother watched Lina from the brick from the brick, threw it on the floor. For this mother punished her. Two weeks later, Lina began to urinate during sleep, became a plaque and irritable.

We will understand what happened. Lina, like most of the firstborn, felt after the birth of the baby, large changes in the family, especially in relation to it. The permanent object of attention, admiration and worries was her little brother. No wonder such a sharp change in the relationship (overthrowing from the throne!) Perceive as a rejection, loss of love of parents. The situation has strengthened and worsened by the fact that the father openly expressed his pleasure by the fact that a boy was born, not a girl, and she took it, looking at the eyes of Lina, a certain position towards both children. Fighting against the dissatisfaction situation and perceiving the newborn as her root cause, Lina began to openly express hostility to his brother. It was a serious signal for the mother, that the eldest child remained aside that he needed more attention and warmth, but it did not give the reactions of the due value.

Meanwhile, Lina actively looking for a tool how to restore emotional contact with parents, how to achieve their attention and approve their own significance in the family. Seeing that she will not win anything with open hostility, the girl "chose" another way to satisfy his needs: "Mom cares about helpless, slurry cry. And I can be the same! " Her behavior began to resemble the behavior of a baby: she became a plaque, capricious, stopped using the pot.

Subconsciously girl came to the conclusion that there is a loaf and helplessness to have a faithful means to win the love and care of the mother, to keep her about himself. Competing, therefore, with a brother, she achieved attention and care of the mother and at the same time turned in his mental development back (psychologists call this phenomenon of regression). If the family develops a situation that only such primitive behaviors can be achieved by the love and attention of the parents, then the "return to the past" of the child can be entrenched and becoming a serious problem.

The birth of the firstborn is a difficult check of married love and relationships, even if the child is long-awaited. With the appearance of crumbs in the life of young parents, global changes in the established life occur. There are many troubles for care for the newborn, and young mommy often does not pay the necessary attention to her husband. Is it really a familiar situation? How to establish life and strengthen the married relationship?

Learn to negotiate

Both parents have their own expectations regarding how after the birth of the kid will be built their family life. However, the real picture is often far from ideal, so spouses begin to feel discontent and annoyance. The future mother was waiting that the spouse would be more attentive to her and the newborn, and the future dad believed that the wife herself would great perfectly - because sitting with the baby so "just."

Do not save disappointment, and then flash discontent with each other. Sit at the negotiating table, without screams and scandals discuss the problems that have arisen and find a compromise.

Only for young mothers

Moms should be distracted from everyday worries and revise their own rules on the sole fulfillment of all responsibilities. After all, if you do not let the spouse for the baby, how will he learn to care for him?

  • Show and tell. Tell your husband, what specific obligations he could do. Do not talk, better do it all together together: bathe newborn, changing diapers, make massage and gymnastics. I unobtrusively show the young dad techniques, with the help of which the baby is best to calm. We recommend reading the article
  • Suggest the front of work. Do not limit yourself to a unified request - make a list of responsibilities for which a husband will now be answered. At first, you can make a list of cases and keep it in a prominent place until the dad will perform them without control and reminders on your part. And then he will not forget that he needs to walk with a dog every day, take the garbage or bathe baby before bedtime.
  • Praise your husband for successes. It is no secret that men are like children in something and they are also needed praise and promotion on your part. Choose the best way of thanks: praise directly or tell the baby, as he was lucky with such a wonderful dad.
  • Do your personal attention to your husband. Organize your own day so that your intense schedule has a free time, which could be devoted to her husband. In the end, he will always take a grandmother behind the baby, and you can sit in a cafe or just stroll together.
  • Find time on yourself. Do not be afraid to leave the baby to your husband while you take a bath, read books, drink tea in the long-awaited silence or do needlework. Such a rest will give the opportunity to fill the strength and again become a calm and confident mom and a loving wife.
  • Reduce the level of requirements for yourself. Remember that to cope immediately with the two roles of mom and wife is very difficult. Even more difficult, when a woman who is a complex of deals, seeks to be perfect always and everywhere. Believe me, for family happiness, it is not at all necessary to cook dinner of several dishes, several times a day arrange general cleaning and engage in chance at once in all the well-known learning methods.

Mama on a notic!


Girls Hi) I didn't think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, and I will write about it))) But there is nowhere to go, so I write here: how did I get rid of stretch marks after giving birth? I will be very glad if my way will help you ...

Only for young dads

The father is sometimes much harder to change his own lifestyle. After all, now he must carry a double load: helping to care for a baby and ensure a decent life of his mother.

We also read: Lose weight by 20 kilograms, and finally get rid of the terrible complexes of complete people. I hope the information will be useful for you!

So, the new member of your family is finally at home! Proud dad met you with a child on the threshold of the hospital. So he solemnly introduces a gem bundle and ... for some reason you stopped in a stupor.

Despite the fact that long nine months you have been waiting for this moment, now for some reason you can not at all show what to do. Breastfeed? What if he does not have enough milk? Bathe? What if it's too early? And generally scary - he is so small, fragile, helpless ... What if something happens to him? ..

And most importantly, how to do everything - to do the child, cook, contain a house in a decent form and ... at least wash?

Order in the house

It is very important to clearly organize your life. Even if the rest of the apartment is an ideal order, you should think about how to equip the corner where you will spend the main time with the baby. Packaging of diapers, napkins, scissors, cotton swabs and wands, pipettes and other small things should always be at a certain place. Then you don't have to spend the precious moments in search of the necessary things in the most responsible moment. Creams, ointments and other powders are conveniently stored in a plastic bucket from under mayonnaise. You can use a special shelf above the changing table. Just still for your own tranquility, let it be not above the head of a lying baby, but somewhere on the side.

Important moment: If you use a chest of drawer with a folding board, which turns into a changing table, do not place the most necessary items in the top drawer of the chest. For some reason, it is there that I want to decompose numerous jars and bottles (apparently not to lean). But imagine that you have a baby on the folding table. Can you get something from the top box if it even in the extended state is completely covered with a changing board? That's what it is ...

A special container for used diapers or napkins can be attached to the crib or to the table.

He is crying!

Crying, of course. After all, he has no other way to inform parents about his vital troubles. Often, moms complain that the child just ate and slept in the maternity hospital, and at home began to continuously cry. The point, of course, is not in the maternity hospital. Just the first day, two after childbirth, children are usually replenished, as after heavy physical work (and they really did the work, there is, from which they are tired), and then gradually begin to adapt to the new world for themselves.

Each baby has its own "planting language", and very soon you will begin to understand that there is crying from hunger, from pain, from boredom, from physical discomfort, all these types of crying are distinguished by intonation, height, volume, etc.

Some parents try to entertain the baby intensively as possible, while he wakes up, then she slept, it was better. Be careful: from an excess of impressions, the kid can be transported, and the effect will turn out the opposite. Everything is good in moderation!

In schools for pregnant women now there is such a service: a challenge of a specialist in the newborn. He will tell in detail and show how to handle the baby, how to bathe and feed it, how to care for the umbilical wound. Actually, about the same tasks are responsible for the patronage sister, which should visit you with the baby immediately after the hospital.

Time for yourself

In the maternity hospital, you dreamed about the moment when you with the child will find yourself, finally, at home. Here you are leaning over the children's cradle, where in the lace foam, the baby is picked up. Here you are all in white, slim, elevated and beautiful, like the Leonard Madonna, feed him with breasts, and he is peaceful smoking, falls asleep in your hands and again it is waging in the cradle.

However, at home suddenly it turns out that in the cradle, I saw Ryusha and ribbons, the treasure of sleep resolutely refuses. It prefers her mother's mother's and screaming at the slightest attempt to put it somewhere.

We have a similar situation arose with the younger daughter. And at that moment we really helped the sling digest. When the girl was laid there, she curled the cozy lump, and was immediately calmed down under a familiar knock of the mother's heart. And I turned out to be free both hands. It was possible to eat, read, talk on the phone, even embroider. So, for reading, food and hobby time we found.

Now about a dream. For you vital need to be saturated. Therefore, without a revelation of conscience, use for this any opportunity, sleep along with the baby. All other things can wait, and your lacking will lead to a decrease in the amount of milk breeding the state (both yours and baby), nervous setting in the house.

Yes, unnecessary minutes to "clean the feathers" will be difficult to carve out. But still try to do it. If you have dreamed of all the pregnancy that immediately after childbirth you will get into your most narrow jeans, you will be disappointed: the old figure will return to you not immediately after delivery. At the time, put the sandals on the high heels, because the heels give a very tangible load on the spine. So far - only convenient, not squeezing clothes and shoes on a stable heel.

Am I myself?

Do you know what the most likely to say "nearby" babosy? The fact that young milfs, they say, "with fat silent" are: and the carcakes are cars, and diapers for children, and they see if they can not cope all. However, in reality, "cope with themselves" literally units. With a closer look, it turns out that almost all young moms somehow helped someone: even the most independent neighbors ran over the products, girlfriends were released into the movies, and grandmothers took children for the summer.

So do not register yourself in the fact that you are lazy and odds. And if you feel that you do not cope with household, find the assistant. By the way, in this situation, if you are standing in front of the choice: nanny or housekeeper, prefer the second option. You can make cleaning in the apartment and without your personal participation, but for crumbs you are now indispensable.

Numerous guests do not hesitate to give orders: to bring something, cook, stroke, remove (depending on the degree of intimacy). Warn relatives and acquaintances that from now on you will call them on the phone if necessary, or just chat. It is noted that in the apartment where the kid appears, phone calls are usually distributed at the most inopportune moment: when you feed the crumb, bathe it or stack to sleep.

Dairy river

Here is a curious thing. In the benefits of breastfeeding today, no one doubts. And future mothers are full of enthusiasm and are ready to fulfill all medical recommendations on this. But for some reason, quite soon their enthusiasm fuses, and after a couple of months, the child is transferred to the mixture. And the fact is that the recommendations themselves are fundamentally incorrect.

We will try to figure out how to feed in the maternity hospital and why it is wrong.

I remember in the hospital where my older daughter was born, a wonderful poster was hung: the right pose for feeding. The newly made mother chinno seats on the chair. On the head - handkerchief on the very eyebrows, on the face - the bandage, like the operating sister. Thank you, even though you left for an eye. One leg is on the bench, why the whole silhouette is somewhat rolled. Nude chest is served a baby in the grip of "scissors" (the near-thechkososcope is clarified by index and middle fingers). Baby ripe in a tight cocoon - move hands and legs, during feeding, apparently, not supposed. Especially, to touch the mother's chest.

A poster is accompanied by an instruction that makes it up before feeding to wash with soap breasts, and then wipe dry. Then, the instructions are said, it is necessary to write and pour the first 2-3 drops of milk, since they can be microbes. Next: "With each feeding, the child should be applied only to one chest and follow the full emptying. The remaining milk must be heading, which contributes to the formation of a larger amount of milk. At the end of feeding the nipple, it is necessary to wash with water again and thoroughly dry up a soft cloth. In the presence of irritation, the nipple need to lubricate the diamond greens. "

Is it surprising that feeding on such instructions becomes an inhuman feat? Permanent washing breasts with soap, nipples with green letters will lead to the fact that the skin will lose their natural lubrication, cracks instantly will occur on the nipple, and feeding will turn into hellish pain. Stirling really causes the chest to produce more milk. But why? The child sucks exactly as much as he needed, and it is the complete stitching leads to lactostasis, and in the launched cases - and to the maple. Pressing the chest leads to the lactation during feeding, the milk must come freely.

Feeding in a Chechen militant mask, when a child sees her mother's face (this is what malicious microbes is filled with her breathing?), As well as the baby's swaddling deprive the mother and crumb of physical contact.

And therefore, feed the baby as he tells you the heart - a naked, pressed to your chest, in a convenient for you and for him a pose and as much as he is required. Breastfeeding is incredibly convenient for mom, useful for the baby and economically for the family budget.

Day and night - day away

The newborn baby has not formed biorhythms. He falls asleep, and wakes up, absolutely not wanting to navigate the cycle of the day and night. In order to help him do it, the famous American Pediatricians of W. and M. Seruxy advise to sleep with the child. Do not be afraid, you do not ask him! But the baby will better begin to navigate in time, he gradually formed daily rhythm.

And you will be, oddly enough, to sleep calmer. After all, in order to feed the baby at night, you don't have to get up several times overnight, take a baby from the bed, feed and water back. When a child sleeps with you, it can be fed, almost without waking up.

Of course, in the parent bed in the child there will be a personal diaper-sheet, but from children's surprises, your bedding is not insured. In addition, the first weeks after delivery are fraught with other surprises: you can wake up in a mile mood (if the crumb suddenly fell asleep too hard), and postpartum allocations continue. And if the sheet is not very difficult to replace, then the big fan of the mattress will deliver much more problems.

Our know-how. Buy in a pharmacy the usual medical oilcloth of the largest size (usually the length of it is about one and a half meters, and in general, the more, the better) and the brake of the mattress is at a distance of 60-70 cm from the head of the head. Practice shows that it is in this place that the sheet is dumping most often (below the pillow level). In order for the oilcloth did not come down, it can even be attached to the mattress with several scotch strips. The adult sheet is spilled on the oil, and an ordinary or disposable diaper for a kid. By the way, in front of bedtime, put a small towel or a napkin. At night, sometimes it is very necessary.

Do not forget!

  • Register a child in the registry office (for this you need parental passports and certificate from the hospital). If the child was born at home, then, besides passports, you will need another exchange card confirming that you were pregnant, and eyewitnesses (in his task is to witness the birth of a child at home).
  • Register croche.
  • Decide maternity payments (at the place of mother's work or study or in sobes).

You can do without:

  • Ironing diaper. Especially if you erase them at high temperatures. And in order for them not to be mint, it is important immediately after drying to be neatly folded. The same applies to children's linen. Knitted bodies, blouses and sliders are completely smoothed by themselves on the body of the child.
  • Washing manually. It is quite possible to entrust the notorious washing machine, only in the first year it is better to wash children's things with a special powder and separately from adult linen.
  • Cooking delicacies. Go to healthy semi-finished products, cereals, frozen vegetables.

Inessa Smyk

According to the materials of the magazine "Liza. My child"

The yield of a child in the family is a serious test for future parents. First, the family structure changes, and therefore, it is necessary to adapt to adapt, adopt new roles and the most important thing to take responsibility for a new helpless creature.

For each mother, its role is more or less understandable, some of its actions is determined by instinct, part is the experience that her own mother transmits it. Even during pregnancy, the woman feels what happens to the child in the womb; At this time, contact is already installed between them. After childbirth, when the baby acquires a physical "separate" from the mother, he continues to fully depend on it for a long time. Emotional and physical contact with the mother becomes a primary sensual cloth, which will further overlap the entire subsequent child's experience. At this stage, the mother and the child form a diaward, symbiosis.

At first, mom and baby is a self-sufficient system.

So that dad was not the third excess

After the birth of the baby, the father often feels superfluous. In fact, Diabe Mother Child is in dire need of a third party, although the man does not always have the opportunity to feel.

Sometimes "unsuccessful" requirements of a pregnant woman sometimes serve as a kind of test: a woman who has increasing weakness, it is necessary to feel that she can handle something to her husband, may rely on it.

First of all, due to the fact that the woman is now focused on another person, her love, attention, the concern that she gave her husband, is now addressed to the baby, her ambitions, hopes are now sent to him, it is now he is the reason for her pride and admiration . But the world of a woman is now not just focused on her child, her contact with the outside world weakens. At least, with sufficient care of the child. And the man whose world did not have time to change, become a conductor connecting the Deda with the rest of the world.

When the mother and the child are concentrated on each other, the father (or someone's third who replaces the father in the case when the child's native father is unavailable) is an external figure designed to become a kind of shell that protects and protects a rather fragile family structure at this stage external influences.

Any woman, no matter how strong she was, after conceiving the child becomes vulnerable. It is widely known that already during pregnancy, a woman is changing, habits, interests. And this happens not only at the expense of hormonal rearrangements, but by virtue of attempts to psychologically adapt to their new position.

If Mom is a leader in kind

Often a woman who is accustomed to being the leader and which for any reason cannot recognize what needs a man at this stage, drives the desire to respect the period of dependence on it. She prefers not to take a maternity leave, continues professional activities, supports broad social contacts. As a result, the Maternity experience turns out to be a curler, and the child is deprived of physical and emotional ties with his mother. This imposes an imprint on his character, personal features, the perception of the surrounding world.

Children who devoid of emotional communications with the mother in the early stages of their development are more susceptible to diseases, depression, aggressive outbreaks. Itself, becoming parents, they have difficulty in cooperation with their child.

In 2 years and in 5 years, the child especially needs a father

When and why do you need dad?

The main task of the Father is to provide the child with the opportunity at the right moment to separate from the mother. Getting more and more independence in the development of the surrounding world, the child will strive to overcome the dependence on the mother. Father opens a social world to the child, broadcasting him its norms and requirements, a system of moral prohibitions and sanctions in case of their violation.

As soon as the child becomes a little less dependent on the mother, he immediately begins to need a father who would allow him to try his strength. Mothers will have to take now the observation position, while maintaining the status of the "comforter" in cases of failure and "enthusiastic viewer", when a child succeeds.

As you develop and, depending on the tasks that face the child, he needs more in the mother, then in his father. From birth to two years old, the child is strongly dependent on the mother, about two years and then at five years old, the child overcoming this dependence, to a greater degree needs a father's figure.

At this time, he prefers to spend time with his father, meets the peculiarities of male, i.e. Less emotional and more powerful reaction style. The aggressiveness appearing is necessary to overcome dependence and adaptation to the outside world, where, as is well known, the strongest survivors. Father personifies the child "adoles", belonging to which he wants to feel.