How to leave a toxic relationship. How to Avoid a Toxic Relationship

21.10.2019

Harmonious relationships between a man and a woman are based on a sincere feeling of love, mutual understanding and respect, while toxic (they are also called dependent and neurotic) are a cunning substitute for concepts. They do not bring anything good to anyone in a couple, gradually incinerating both lovers from the inside, taking away their strength and health. In addition, in a toxic relationship, one partner initially takes on the role of a victim and is suppressed by the other until the destruction of personal boundaries.

Such relationships are not healthy and can be fraught with serious negative consequences, and therefore they should be broken in a timely manner. However, everything is not as simple as it seems at first glance. After all, despite the obvious negative, the partner-victim may not even be aware of his deplorable situation. And for good reason! The fact is that the “toxic” partner from the very beginning builds communication with him in a special way, doing everything possible so that his chosen one loses the correct life guidelines and loses himself along with the remnants of his will.

Consider the most common manifestations of toxic relationships.

Feelings of inadequacy arise

The “victim” of toxic relationships over time increasingly gets used to the role of a secondary “complement” assigned to her; she suffers and believes that all her shortcomings, the existence of which was inspired by her partner, really exist. Self-flagellation and self-digging begins. Growing dissatisfaction with oneself can lead a person to deviant, destructive behavior (eating, drinking, drug use, etc.). However, even without this, the personality gradually degrades and plunges into depression. At the same time, love is perceived as the last ray in the dark kingdom, but it does not bring even the slightest bit of positive emotions.

"You can't leave"

It often happens that a victim partner who has been in a toxic relationship for a long time completely ceases to feel emotional closeness with his chosen one, despite the years spent together. And although he does not have personal space as such, and the feeling of loneliness and longing eats from the inside, interrupting such relationships is unbearably scary (partly because a terrible feeling of fear of loneliness and uselessness is instilled in anyone). The “victim” reassures herself that “others live much worse” or comes up with other arguments in favor of the existing relationship. Unfortunately, many still believe that violence without serious bodily harm is absolutely normal.

Infringement of personal space

After entering into a toxic relationship, the partner who occupies a deliberately disadvantageous position, as it were, ceases to belong to himself: a loved one controls his every step and gets angry if he gets out of his control even for an hour.

If you are not lucky enough to become a victim of this kind of relationship, then most likely, at first it will seem to you that your passion is simply showing his care and concern for you in this way. But one day you will catch yourself thinking that you are trying to “not want” just so as not to anger your chosen one.

This is abnormal and oppresses the freedom of the individual, driving a person into an unacceptable, limiting framework.

If it has become obvious to you that the existing relationship is oppressing you and has an extremely negative impact on your psycho-emotional state, then it makes sense for you to think about ending this relationship. But even having made such a decision, be prepared for difficulties.

In order to end an addictive relationship once and for all, you first need to create the right mindset:

Get rid of guilt

Remember that you don't owe anything to anyone. Even if a person did something important for you in the past, this does not give him the right to control your fate and make you a slave of his own desires.

Stop making excuses and endlessly forgiving

"Oppressor" is not worth it. No one has the right to take advantage of you and manipulate your feelings. Bullying cannot be forgiven.

Reach out to the people you love for support

Ask them to help move things quickly and stand up for your interests. It is best to move to a place that the “oppressor” does not know about and will not make scandals at the door at night, demanding the return of an obedient puppet to him. Prepare for the fact that he will begin to "withdraw", because losing control of his favorite toy for such people is always painful. But remember: this is not love! Do not believe in tears and promises (and they certainly will be).

Take a vacation

Change the scenery: stay with friends or just relax in a secret hideout. Turn off your phone and rethink life priorities with a cup of tea. Who you are? Where to go next? What do you really need? Answer the questions that torment your soul and get some rest.

Keep yourself in check

At first, it will be difficult to refuse to communicate with a former partner. Often, out of habit, you want to hear words of apology, at least some ridiculous explanations for which you can “catch on” and forgive. Not worth it! This is a reflection, not your real desire.

Of course, it is difficult to move away from such a situation, especially if it has developed over the years: the sad reality is “blurred”, and a person takes everything for granted. Good friends or relatives often help break out of toxic relationships. Most often, only they see how things really are and try to wrest their loved one from the hands of the manipulator. In some cases, it is possible to get out of a painful relationship only due to a random combination of circumstances, when an unexpected unpleasant event occurs. But it's better not to let it come to that.

Believe me, you deserve a completely different relationship, sincere and disinterested! Therefore, discard obsessive stupid thoughts and love yourself. So you will quickly meet a person who will bring sincere love into your life and make you truly happy.

He is not interested in where and by whom you work, what you do, how you like to spend your holidays. That is, you - as a person, as a person with some peculiarities, habits, hobbies - he does not need. He needs you as a function, not as a whole person.

Second sign

You are ready for the next step, but he is not. You have been dating for more than six months, but he does not offer to live together, although you would agree. Or you have been living together for a long time, and he does not offer to marry him, although you want to. Or you get married, but he does not want you to have children, although you dream of becoming a mother. It's a toxic relationship when your partner ignores your basic wants and needs. This does not mean that he is a bad person, he may well not want children, and so on, he has every right. It's just that from that moment on, your relationship became toxic - to you.

Third sign

He makes you jealous. Or remain friends, although it is obvious that you are in love.

The most important feature

These relationships do not bring you joy. On the contrary, you are tense all the time, it is difficult for you, you are uncomfortable. The young man called and then disappeared for a week. You write to him on social networks, send SMS - and he is silent. Then it appears, then disappears again. He doesn't introduce you to his friends. Or he generally comes to you only for sex, but not to the cinema, to take a walk or to a restaurant, he has other people for this. And it doesn’t matter at all for what reasons he behaves this way, it doesn’t matter. One thing is important: he does not think about what hurts you.

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But all this is not about him. All this is about you.

After all, it was you who ended up in a toxic relationship, for some reason you need them. The problem, as usual, comes from childhood: someone taught you that love is like this, with suffering and feelings. Our woman needs to feel sorry for herself. Suffer and feel sorry for yourself. After all, in fact, all this happens in her head. There she scrolls through scenarios for re-educating a man, or for conquering, or some other. And in them he is a scoundrel, and she is a saint. She plays for two in this relationship. Then such women will remember: I had True Love - for three years then I came to my senses. In their neurotic picture of the world, the quality of love, its depth, is determined by the amount of suffering suffered. In their head, happiness is with difficulty, with blood, with meat, a small piece of something good, torn from a tough fate, that still needs to be preserved and protected with great effort.

This crooked connection is formed: I suffer - I love. Love is suffering. And I feel sorry for myself, because I suffer. That's it, here he is - a ready-made neurotic.

Meanwhile, love is a surge of positive emotions, and nothing more. This is happiness, joy. There is no negative side in it, there is no sacrifice, there is no self-giving.

Note: at the very beginning of a relationship, a man behaves very well. He needs to please, and he tries. He behaves extremely tactfully, courteously, caring. But then, when he feels that she is behaving like a victim ... Now, if we return to the story with the call: he did not call her, although he promised. And she starts to write SMS, they say, what happened, where did you disappear to. And he feels it, she was not offended, she did not consider his act unacceptable. That is, it is possible with her. He ceases to appreciate her, he ceases to think of her as a woman with whom he wants to build a future. And this gives rise to a new round of suffering in her: to keep him. She feels his withdrawal, her self-esteem flies down, and she begins to think that she is not good enough, begins to try to please him even more. And everything goes on knurled.

Can this vicious circle be broken? Certainly. More precisely, you can not get into it. And this method is very simple: as soon as you feel that you don’t like how a man behaves, how he talks, how he treats you, you must realize this for yourself and admit it: it’s true. It didn’t seem to you, it shouldn’t be attributed to his fatigue or some other external circumstances. And second: you need to tell him that you do not like this behavior. Say once. If this happens again - that's it, the relationship must be broken off immediately. I ask you to pay attention to this: no repeated conversations. No “Well, I asked you!”. That’s all, if he didn’t understand from the first time that it’s impossible with you, or, more likely, didn’t consider it necessary to pay attention to your words, this relationship will never be comfortable for you. They will be toxic. It does not matter if you take the position of a victim in them or the position of a mother who decided to re-educate the boy and teach him good manners.

It's simple: there is it, such as it is. And there you are, just the way you are. You either feel good together, or you need to break up. Better yet, before you took out a mortgage and had three kids.

Manufacturers of household chemicals will certainly warn buyers about the toxicity of certain products. An indication of this can certainly be read on the packaging. But we can find out that a toxic person has met on the path of life only after some time, having managed to spend our spiritual strength and energy in recognizing an energy vampire. What kind of people are these and what kind of relationships do others have with them?

Who is a toxic person?

Sometimes in life we have to deal with obvious demoralizers, whiners, and with people whose relationships do not bring satisfaction and joy, but only mental pain. The consequences of such communication are very similar to intoxication or poisoning, but only in the area of the psycho-emotional sphere.

That is why when such a person calls, there is absolutely no desire to pick up the phone. And this is despite the fact that it is necessary to answer, because the call comes from a close relative or concerns the solution of work problems. And it seems that there are no objective reasons to explain their unwillingness. But at the same time, I don't want to pick up the phone. There is no desire to call such a person himself or write to him.

It also happens that sometimes you don’t want to attend an event. After all, there is a person who has a negative impact on it. I would like to say extremely busy or sick, that is, do everything to miss this meeting, which in other circumstances could be useful.

The whole point is that there is a toxic person at this event. After communicating with him, people begin to experience negative emotions. They experience anxiety and discouragement, a feeling of guilt, an unpaid debt, or their own worthlessness. But at the same time, it is rather difficult to explain such manifestations of feelings. After all, a person does not threaten, does not humiliate, does not offend, and does not do anything bad. But at the same time, it seems that someone “holds a knife behind his back” and is ready to use it at any moment.

Sometimes it’s even embarrassing to admit that you are visited by such thoughts. At first glance, this is an ordinary and completely normal person, connected with us by friendly relations or family ties. But communication with him leads to the fact that the whole world acquires a dirty shade, dreams become ridiculous, achievements become insignificant, and vital energy leaves the body even after a short conversation with him.

A parent, brother, sister, friend, colleague, spouse, and sometimes a lover can hurt. And it does not matter how a person achieves his goal - through manipulation, intimidation or accusations. Consider examples of such relationships.

Your friend is always yelling at you. Recently, her barbs have become cruel.
A colleague constantly rejects your ideas and suggestions. It comes to the fact that he actively humiliates you in front of other employees.
The spouse does not hesitate to say cruel things, explaining your indignation with excessive sensitivity, or simply ignores the comments addressed to him.
Parents never praise or even underestimate the achievements of their offspring.

Main features

How to recognize someone who spoils our lives? A person can be considered toxic if they:

Manipulates and constantly controls.
Used to cry and suffer, demonstrating the burden of their problems to the whole world. By this, he wants to ensure that everyone around him knows that he is very ill, and immediately rushed to help.
Uses people to satisfy only his own desires.
Critical to everyone and everything.
Very envious, selfish and jealous.
He believes that everything is bad with him, but at the same time he is never to blame for his problems.
Has a strong dependence on anything. And not necessarily from alcohol or other substances. It can be, for example, card games and the like.
He enjoys when he spoils someone's mood.
He likes to suffer and sometimes hurts himself.
Communicates, using evil jokes, causticity, sarcasm in conversation. Can't resist humiliating comments even to his loved ones.
Incorrect, insensitive, selfish and rude.
He has the conviction that his opinion is the most important.
Supports the image, cheating on the little things.
He does not even try to control his emotional state, being in full conviction that others should accept him exactly as he is.
He starts a relationship in search of not a soulmate, but a victim who can be emotionally tortured for years until the partner realizes his plight and leaves him.

If a person you don't like fits even a few items from this list, there is no reason to call him toxic yet. An accurate “diagnosis” will be made by a special test (it will be given below). With it, you can evaluate the emotions and feelings that arise in a toxic relationship.

A sign criterion that a person is an energy vampire is a change in the psychological and, as a result, physical well-being of his interlocutor. These criteria are the body's reaction to what is happening.

When conducting a test for toxic relationships, you should honestly and objectively analyze your behavior, correlating it with the proposed signs. This will make it possible to detect matches in a number of items or make sure that there are none.

Toxicity test

It is no secret that ordinary relationships between people are not always conflict-free and joyful. But how to make sure that the person next to you is not toxic? To do this, honestly answer the following questions:

Is it easy for you with a partner when he is around? How often do you feel like a squeezed lemon?
Do you feel worse or better after spending time together?
Is the give and take distribution equal? Or maybe the partner always prefers only to “take”?
Do you feel physically and emotionally secure when you are with your significant other?
Does your partner accept you completely, or does it need to change in order for him to be happy?
What feeling visits you most often - joy and serenity or melancholy and sadness?

Definition of a toxic relationship

After answering all of the above questions, they must be compared with the characteristics of the relationship that exists between people. If they are healthy, then they have a lot of compassion, freedom of thought, security, attention to each other, care and mutual love, positive discussions of various disagreements, as well as respect.

Toxic relationships are characterized by insecurity and abuse of control and power, insecurity and demands, negativity and criticism, self-centeredness and dishonesty, mistrust, jealousy and degrading comments.

From all this, a conclusion can be drawn about how healthy relationships between people can be considered.

The danger that awaits us

Today, many psychotherapists and psychologists are faced with the consequences of toxic relationships in their patients. After all, what seems harmless at first glance, carries a hidden threat. The consequences of such communication are quite dangerous. They affect the mental state of a person, as well as his well-being. By early recognition of toxic relationships, you can save your emotional health by preventing the development of negative consequences. First, let's look at the dangers of such communication.

Decreased self-esteem

What is a toxic relationship? This is communication with a person, as a result of which his interlocutor's self-esteem decreases and self-confidence is lost. A toxic partner, colleague, friend or relative builds his communication in such a way that it suppresses the will. And he doesn't do it explicitly.

This fact does not allow people to respond in a timely manner to the situation that has arisen. They begin to realize what is happening only after their will is broken and their self-confidence is destroyed. The main problem in this case is the difficulty of restoring vitality.

Losing yourself

What are the consequences of a toxic relationship? A person who constantly communicates with an energy vampire often loses himself as a person. Being toxic, the partner deftly manipulates his victim. He makes her push her feelings, needs and desires into the background. And this is one of the most common problems in married couples. Toxic relationships in the family lead to the fact that one of the partners constantly persuades the other to do only what he wants. At the same time, an energy vampire can manipulate anything. He is able to call for a sense of duty, for an admission of guilt, etc.

Over time, one of the spouses suddenly begins to realize that he has lost himself, dissolving into his partner, his desires, goals and feelings. It brings pain and disappointment. Our life is unique and unique, just like all of us. That is why you should not waste it on being just a small part of another person. When the integrity of the personality is lost, a strong dependence arises. It does not give a person the opportunity to independently determine how to break off a toxic relationship.

Mental disorders

A toxic relationship that lasts for a long period is very dangerous for a person. They can undermine his mental health. The victims of such relationships often develop neurosis, severe depression, phobias and panic disorders.

A toxic relationship with a husband or wife for the second half becomes a slow-acting poison. The effect of such an impact becomes noticeable far from immediately. However, over time, such relationships lead to violations of all body functions and undermine health. This is due to psychological abuse. With its regular manifestation, the soul of a person becomes wounded. This leads to a violation of psychological balance, which is fraught with the emergence of various kinds of problems and diseases.

Recognition of the fact of pressure

People who are victims of a toxic relationship with a man or woman tend to have a hard time ending it. They constantly justify their behavior and their partner. In addition, they have to get upset every time due to the fact that their cohabitation is unlikely to be based on a harmoniously developing relationship. Such a contradiction is the basis for the emergence of self-doubt and confusion in thoughts, which makes a person continue to maintain this unhealthy union.

How to get out of a toxic relationship? To do this, first of all, you need to recognize the fact that there is an energy vampire nearby. This will be confirmed by the signs of a toxic relationship. Among them:

How to correct the current situation?

The first step to healing a relationship is recognizing its toxicity. After all, many people simply deny it, despite the warning about the danger that comes from loved ones.
The next step is to believe in yourself. A victim should understand that he is worthy of compassion, love and respect.
After going through the previous steps, you should try to minimize your partner's attempts to blame you during conversations.

If it was not possible to correct the situation, then it is necessary to distance oneself from the source of toxicity to the maximum.

Spouses at the same time have to go through a temporary or permanent separation. Parents and children will have to reduce contact. Work colleagues should do everything possible to distance themselves from each other as much as possible. If nothing is done, then endless conflicts simply will not stop.

What is a toxic relationship? How does popular culture impose on us the image of relationships built according to the “executioner-victim” scheme, where love becomes a synonym for suffering, and family drama is presented as the norm? How to understand that you are in a psychological trap? Why is it impossible to express yourself as a person in a toxic relationship? Is it possible to change the person who is poisoning your life and how to protect yourself from unhealthy connections? We understand.

Today, toxic relationships are any interaction between people (spouses, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues) that brings emotional pain and complete depletion of the resources of one of the parties. This is communication, as a result of which one person consciously or unconsciously "poisons" another, making him feel depressed, worthless, scared, used - there can be many options for negative feelings.

Unlike normal interactions, toxic relationships do not bring any benefit: instead of personal growth and positive emotions, the “target” risks earning a number of mental or even physical ailments over time. Feeling uncomfortable, sooner or later a person will experience all the “charms” of such conditions as apathy, continuous stress, depression, progressive lowering of self-esteem, panic attacks, nervous breakdown. Such a scenario is dangerous in that it can lead a person to a psychiatric couch at best, and at worst to suicide.

Understanding whether communication with a particular person is toxic is not difficult. The underlying symptom is your discomfort. If from time to time after a normal conversation, correspondence on social networks, gatherings in a cafe or a meeting, you feel completely empty, depressed or scared, then there is no doubt.

Paradoxically, often in the chair of psychologists are people who endure this kind of connection for several months, or even years. At the same time, they need time not only to get out of a traumatic relationship, but also to simply understand that what is happening to them is not normal.

In his lectures, practicing psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky notes that the current situation is quite understandable. According to him, toxic relationships are one of the names of neurotic interaction, its synonym. At the same time, according to psychiatrists, today in Russia more than 70% of the population suffers from one form or another of neurosis. Residents of large cities are most at risk, the pace of life of which requires them to be maximally mobilized and make quick decisions. The medical publication "Doctor Peter" reports:

“Annually in the St. Petersburg Research Psychoneurological Institute named after. V.M. Bekhterev, 10-14 thousand people seek advice, a quarter of them - about neurotic disorders.

In the case when a pattern of neurotic relationships accompanies a person from childhood, in the future it is difficult for him to believe that there are other, non-traumatic behaviors. In addition to the negative childhood experience, mass culture adds its contribution to the formation of future neurotics who voluntarily enter into toxic relationships. Every day we come across a huge number of films and books, the interaction of the characters of which is built according to the “executioner-victim” scheme, where love becomes a synonym for suffering, and most family dramas are presented as the norm. As a result, looking back at parental relationships and messages from the big screens, we get used to sacrificing ourselves and our interests, enduring tyranny at home or at work, and trying for years to correct abusers (from the English abuse - violence).

According to Labkovsky, healthy individuals do not enter into toxic relationships. All participants in the process are traumatized, since a balanced and harmonious personality will never act as a tyrant or a victim.

Understanding that communication with a person (especially close ones) poisons us often brings great pain. Experiencing stress, a person tries to justify his environment to the last. But endless patience and adjustment to a partner turns into only fatigue, loss of your Self, a feeling that you are trapped. Over time, a person may begin to fear his partner.

Going deeper:

Usually we are poisoned by those who see us not as a person, but as a function. Unfortunately, not only colleagues at work do this, but also the closest people. But if a partner constantly forgets to keep promises, ignores your desires and needs, assures you that you are the closest person to him, but, in fact, wipes his feet on you with his actions, manipulates, controls, constantly criticizes and condemns your every step, forces jealous, disappears and appears without warning, projects its complexes on you, forces you to do what you don’t want (from processing to intimacy), imposes its value system and ignores your rhythm of life, you should immediately say goodbye to it.

Psychologist Anna Iotka notes that in order not to end up in the role of a victim, one cannot “... give comfort without receiving it. Still, partners should mutually strive for comfort and understand the value of each other.

At the same time, the degree of understanding of comfort is different for everyone. And sometimes it happens that the point is not in the person himself, but in the fact that his lifestyle and his values \u200b\u200bare simply not suitable for you. Trying to adapt to an objectively “good”, but absolutely not your person is the first step towards a neurotic relationship with the loss of one’s Self.

Mikhail Labkovsky remarks:

“It's simple: there it is, the way it is. And there you are, just the way you are. You either feel good together, or you need to break up. Better yet, before you took out a mortgage and had three kids.”

The psychologist is sure that an attempt to change a person whose treatment hurts you is doomed to failure. In his speeches, he gives only one piece of advice: tell your partner what you don't like. In the event that the person continues to poison you with their behavior, there are two options left - to protect yourself and let the person go, or to accept the role of the victim and live, fantasizing that someday something will change.

It is very difficult to stop a traumatic relationship, that is, to protect your nervous system by saying a firm “no” and physically moving away, when someone really close to us acts as a toxic person: parents, loved one, friends. Many are afraid to stop suffocating communication, leading them to nervous breakdowns, because of the fear of loneliness.

But it is important to understand that your future and ability to interact with the world is at stake, and saying “no” today will make you stronger as a person and open the doors to a whole new level of interaction with other people.

Cover: Edvard Munch, Vampire, 1895 / Wikimedia Commons.

You are in a relationship, and the very thought of it warms the soul. You feel like in a fairy tale when fire, water and copper pipes are passed, and the prince meets the princess. Then everything usually ends with the phrase "And they lived happily ever after." What happens after, history is usually silent. Everything is supposed to be great. But you don't really feel it.

1 Obscurity

All attempts to talk openly about what worries, run into rage and irritation. At best, there should be an attempt to change the topic of conversation. Getting a direct answer from a partner is as difficult as getting a cunning politician at a press conference.

2 Fear of discussion

If at first you still have strength and courage, then over time they leave, giving way. Fear of even hinting that something in a relationship does not suit you. You already know that you probably won't get an answer, so don't even try. Psychologists even have a special term - learned helplessness. After several unsuccessful attempts to change something, a person resigns himself, gives up and no longer looks for ways to correct his condition.

You plow like Papa Carlo, and the missus sprawled imposingly on the sofa and eats a cake. You run to a second job in the evening, and he goes to a bar because "I'm in a crisis, I need to rest."

4 Violent temper

Source: Lukas on Pexels

It is difficult for him to control anger, he is unpredictable, like rain in the offseason. It can be demolished with a powerful stream of aggression, then it’s sunny to apologize and promise that it was by accident or even the last time. And you believe that you didn’t shout out of malice, that you raised your hand, because you really are very worried. By the way, he can conflict not only with you, regularly getting into situations of physical collision: fights, scandals and conflicts. Sometimes it seems that he is specifically looking for them.

5 Emotional instability

He experiences serious mood swings - from melancholy, irritability and apathy to a paranoid desire to control you. Impulsiveness, passive-aggressive humor, gaslighting (devaluing your feelings and thoughts) - he has it all in his arsenal.

It is impossible to relax with him - every minute you need to monitor the situation and have retreat routes, sweet pies or a detailed report on your movements for the day ready.

6 Dependencies

The feeling of inner emptiness in him can be drowned out by addictions, with which you, as a wise and faithful girlfriend / wife, must unconditionally put up with. Did the wives of the Decembrists go into exile to fetch their husbands? We drove. And you are worse? You tolerate his gambling addiction, alcoholism, regular cheating, adrenaline feats, dangerous driving. That is, you engage in self-destructive behavior that helps him avoid boredom.

7 Growing self-dissatisfaction and exhaustion

Source: Asdrubal luna on Unsplash

You are dissatisfied with yourself, you believe that he is doing you a favor, tolerating your imperfection, that you yourself are to blame for what is happening to him. A sense of impasse builds, depression develops, health deteriorates, self-esteem plummets, and the prospect of being left alone scares you worse than death. As a result, you direct aggression at yourself. An inner voice mumbles: "You are a dull person, no one needs you, it's good that he has not left yet."

You spend your energy trying to earn his approval, but they are becoming less and less, and you are sinking into despair. Friends disappear, interests become less and less.

8 Ultimatums and manipulation

Feeling your fear, he puts forward more and more new requirements and conditions on which he will remain with you anyway. Your personal and professional growth is a direct threat to him, because he loses control over you. And then the toxic partner puts you before the choice “either I, or your friends”, “either I, or this study of yours.” He seeks to make you jealous and reminds you every minute that you are about to lose him.

9 Lack of general plans

They cannot be planned and discussed. You cannot rely on his constancy (he leaves every minute). Relationships are built on bygone memories of stormy courtship at the beginning of a relationship, some grains. Yes, he brought you a bouquet to work on Valentine's Day. It was great, and no matter what, then he went to the former for pancakes. But you still reverently keep the rose from that bouquet on your dressing table.