Financial Mistakes Leading to Divorce! Magic words to improve your financial situation
The correct attitude to money must be instilled in children from an early age, carefully weighing what in the financial sphere can and cannot be talked about with them ...
CHILDREN AND THE FINANCIAL SITUATION OF THE FAMILY
On that day off, when we invited a nanny for a few hours to sit with our six-year-old daughter, our clothes dryer broke down.
Hearing that I was going to buy a new one, the daughter said:
Mom, I think we're spending too much money!
In her opinion, replacing the dryer and paying for the nanny hired for her is "too much." But where does she get such thoughts? One of two things: either she is very smart and tried to take advantage of the opportunity to talk us into changing our plans, or she is really worried about our financial situation. Is a child of this age able to appreciate such situations? Perhaps my husband and I misbehaved with her and talked in front of our daughter about what she did not need to know?
I decided to consult with a good specialist and called clinical psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz, who wrote an entire book on this topic. He set aside time for a consultation, during which he explained to me in detail what can and cannot be communicated to children when it comes to money.
It is impossible for a child, - he said, - to pronounce a phrase that is difficult for him to perceive: “I just can’t imagine how to pay the bills this month!”. Children cannot help us with this. But they perfectly capture the disturbing notes in the parental voice. And they react to this, as a rule, experiencing unaccountable fear and anxiety. In general, we must try not to overload the minds of children with financial information, without discussing in their presence circumstances that they cannot somehow influence ...
The conversation got long. I will try to retell its essence here.
Saying “do not overload the minds of children”, Dr. Klontz, of course, meant the caution, discretion of parents in choosing the topics of communication between themselves in front of children. But in no case - not their exclusion from the family "context".
Since the child's psyche is a sensitive "mechanism" that senses the slightest fluctuations in the home atmosphere, it is also impossible to hide all family difficulties from him. Silence will give the same result - nervousness will appear in the child's behavior. A rich child's imagination can draw him such pictures of events supposedly developing in the house, hidden from his sight of events that an adult would never even think of.
Therefore, it is very important to establish good, trusting relationships with children literally from the “diaper”. If trust exists between you and your child, then if the family is overtaken by adversity, you can explain the situation to him at a level accessible to his age. Calmly tell him that dad, for example, lost his job and is trying to find a new one. And be sure to emphasize: “Of course, we can handle it. But all of us will have to be patient for some time and not buy, for example, new toys. We'll have to give up a hired cleaner. Here I count on your help ... ".
Such a frank, friendly conversation will not scare the children and unite the family.
How to behave if a son or daughter asks the father or mother about the amount of their earnings?
Personally, I would never answer this question. Of course, I would not say: "This does not concern you." But I would try to slip off the topic as delicately as possible.
But Dr. Klontz is of a different opinion.
Sometimes teenage patients ask me, a stranger, in essence, a person about my income, he says. - And I do not hesitate to tell you how much I earn. There is nothing to be ashamed of...
We all know that in society it is not customary to share information about who has what income. And children, as you understand, can, without attaching importance to this, pass on the information received from their parents to friends, those to their parents.
Well, in this case, you have to choose between two evils - the lesser. If you don't talk to your kids about family income, Klontz says, they may get the impression that having a lot of money or, conversely, a little is embarrassing. If such thoughts are fixed in the mind of a child, it is unlikely to benefit him in the future, when the time comes to decide how he will earn a living.
The doctor is sure that the question addressed to the parents about the salary must be answered. Another thing - you can tell the child that this is a family secret and ask him not to tell anyone about it.
Many parents who are not at home much because they have to work until late, to the reproaches of their children that they are rarely taken somewhere, that they lack parental attention, answer something like this: “I work to pay for your studies (kindergarten), so that you can attend a circle, engage in a sports section ... ”. Not realizing that in this way they put a burden of responsibility on the child.
Under no circumstances should this be done. I must say: “Work is very important to me. And as soon as I have free time, we will definitely spend it together. In the meantime, think about where we are going and what we are going to do.”
A lot of disputes with children often arise before the Purim holiday, when a child needs a carnival costume. “Why do you need this particular outfit! - Mom is outraged. "No, it's too expensive for us..."
Dr. Klontz advises solving such a problem in a more peaceful way, without making the child suffer and build unflattering assumptions for you.
It is necessary to firmly, in terms of facts, report that you allocated such and such an amount from the budget for costumes for the holiday. And offer the children a choice: either they will find something cheaper, or with your help, of course, they will make a carnival outfit with their own hands. Even better, long before the holiday, the parents themselves become the initiators of such a conversation and discuss the necessary details with the children.
Children, Dr. Klontz concludes our conversation, very early on begin to understand that the ability to buy something is connected with money. And if you do not discuss financial problems in the family with them, they, receiving fragmentary information from the outside (from friends, neighbors, etc.) and watching how their parents behave in order to earn and spend money “wisely”, draw their own conclusions. As a rule, they are incorrect. After all, their analytical abilities are very limited. If parents do not correct their idea of money in time, with age they will only establish themselves in their erroneous opinion ...
If a child grew up, for example, in a low-income family, he, according to Brad Klontz, may have a strong opinion that money, no matter how much you earn, is always not enough. When such children become adults, the wrong idea about money that has been entrenched in them is transformed into well-known behavioral stereotypes. Either they are “workaholics” who save money and are afraid to spend it, or they are spenders (“why keep track of money if there is not enough of it anyway?”).
Regardless of the size of the family budget, it is important to instill in children the right attitude towards money from an early age. And the most important thing in this process is to accustom them to the idea that expenses must be planned and that such planning is based on the commensuration of life values.
Suppose a child asks his parents to buy him an expensive toy. Even if the family income allows you to do this without the slightest damage, do not rush to satisfy every requirement. From time to time it is necessary to demonstrate that he cannot get everything he wants. However, when refusing, be sure to explain why now his desire is unfulfilled. If, for example, you are planning to travel with the whole family during your vacation, this is a great reason to refuse a toy. Tell your son (or daughter) about your plans and emphasize that you need money for the trip. So now you buy only the most necessary. To then give all family members the opportunity to have a good rest.
Experiencing such episodes, children, among other things, learn to build a system of priorities and learn the fundamental principle of life: "the interests of the family (collective, society) are higher than the (momentary) interest of the individual."
Site material «MoneyWatch»
Adapted translation from English
Sarah Lorde Butler,
Good afternoon. I lived with my husband for 8 years, the child is 4 years old. Recently, the issue of distribution of finances has become acute.
The husband was never greedy, but he always led the budget. In principle, this suited me, because. I was on maternity leave for a long time, and the main expenses were on it. Now I went to work, my parents help us a little. By the way, I earn as much as my husband. Spending grows with the child, but my husband is used to the fact that I don’t really need anything (I was at home), and the child is allocated an amount that is much less than what he needs. He does not deny himself anything. Due to his extravagance, at the end of each month we have absolutely no money, even for bread. This began to frankly strain me, and I began to wonder where our finances were going, to which I received the answer that I was sticking my nose into other people's business.
After preliminary calculations, it turned out that almost everything goes to food, which the husband eats, and we are left with some crumbs. The rest is taken by medicines, utilities, etc.
My husband reacted sharply to my proposal to divide the budget, according to him, my business is to cook borscht, and not to go into finances.
I'm not a fool, I have a higher education, in my 30s I look 23-25. I am not a downtrodden girl from the village, I don’t know how I got to the point where I can’t insert a word in the family.
It’s impossible to sit down and calculate the expenses - the husband freaks out, we quarrel, and that’s where it all ends. Please tell me how to get out of this situation. I don’t want to share money, quarrel over these pennies, but I don’t intend to give everything to him anymore. He does not know how to save money, and I cannot explain to the child that I will buy a lollipop in a week. Help, please.
Hello Margarita.
You have been building a relationship with a person for 8 years. Now you want someone from the outside, not knowing you at all, not knowing your husband, to give you advice on how to be. Relationships are the hardest and most important thing in a person's life. And there are simply no typical recipes - "how to be in this situation". This situation is so multifaceted that it does not lend itself to simple recommendations.
From your message, I got the feeling that your communication with your husband and mutual understanding is difficult - and this, in my opinion, is the most important task that needs to be addressed.
Your words:
margarita
He does not deny himself anything.
margarita
Because of his extravagance
margarita
almost everything goes to food, which the husband eats, and we are left with some crumbs
margarita
I don't want to give it all away
Indicates your attitude towards him as an unreasonable, selfish, immature, irresponsible person. The words contain irritation, neglect and anger towards your husband. Think about it, maybe there is something in it?
Just like his words to you:
margarita
to which I received the answer that I was sticking my nose into other people's business.
margarita
according to him, my business is to cook borscht, and not to get involved in finances.
On the basis of which it can be assumed that either you told him not in the form in which he could accept from you about your experiences and he put you in your place with such words. Or he really believes that you do not have a say in such matters.
margarita
I'm not a fool, I have a higher education, in my 30s I look 23-25.
You know, this says absolutely nothing and does not affect the ability to build harmonious relationships. After all, the question is not connected with your professional knowledge and not with your appearance, but with the ability to build relationships.
margarita
I'm not a downtrodden girl from the village, how did I get to the point that in the family
Maybe you don't know how to insert it correctly? Men do not accept moralizing, claims and demands from a woman. Any aggression on the part of a woman is perceived by them with hostility and leads only to retaliatory aggression. If you want to convey something to your man, learn to do it gently, not intrusively and in the form of a proposal, without insisting too much and leaving the decision to him. It is important to convey your desires and needs, and not blame him for what you do not have.
You're asking:
margarita
Please tell me how to get out of this situation.
Analyze your relationship. It is best to work with a psychologist. Since often we do not see in ourselves any qualities that interfere with communication and solving certain problems. We see only another problem. But that doesn't help solve the real issue. Only by changing ourselves can we change the situation. Do not change another. But when you start to change, then the other, with a high degree of probability, will not remain standing still.
Maybe this situation is just a reason to look deep into yourself, a reason to understand your relationship with your husband and move them to another level?
Sincerely, Your psychologist, Elizaveta Kritskaya St. Petersburg
Good answer 0 bad answer 1Margarita, good afternoon.
Finance is the theme of family power struggles. Which for 8 years was distributed in one way in your family, and now you are trying to distribute it in a different way.
margarita
I'm not a fool, I have a higher education, in my 30s I look 23-25. I am not a downtrodden girl from the village, I don’t know how I got to the point where I can’t insert a word in the family.
Margarita, it’s really unknown what happened in your relationship, that you agreed to a sharp decrease in status in a couple. Now you are trying to "win it back" and are very angry that your husband just does not give it away. And why would you give it to him?
The last phrase is a request to work with a psychologist. What happened in your relationship that you, being an adult and independent person, ceased to be able to insert a word, gave your husband all the control over your life.
If you explore this process of your loss of independence, what contribution and, most importantly, for the implementation of what unconscious task, you yourself make in order to give control over your own life to another person, to your husband, then there will be an opportunity to change the situation.
If you are ready for such a study, I invite you to a Skype consultation.
Sincerely, your psychologist Irina Rozanova, St. Petersburg
Good answer 1 bad answer 0Hello dear friends!
Today we will talk about a very burning topic of family finances or the family budget. Money, or rather their presence or absence, has a great influence on the relationship of spouses with each other, on their relationship with parents and friends, on raising children, etc. Agree, a good half of family disagreements arise because of money. How to avoid them? Here it is important to understand that the financial well-being of the family depends not only on the size of the income of your family budget. After all, it often happens that the income seems to be high, but the money is still always not enough.
What is the reason for this and how can this be avoided?
Firstly, the financial issue, despite its “prosaic” nature, is one of the most pressing family issues that needs to be constantly discussed, keep records of expenses and incomes, learn how to earn and spend money wisely, plan the future of your family and think about passive income.
The well-being of the family budget has 6 main components.
Read them and analyze your own family budget, according to the information received. If you do not have at least one of the above points of family financial happiness, then you need to pay attention to it, and by doing this, you will very soon, literally within a few months, see how the financial situation in your family will change.
Six components on which the financial well-being of the family depends
1) definitely income.
With this point, everything is more or less clear, I will make only a few remarks.
First, of course, you can and should strive to increase income. The most common ways are part-time work and career growth. There are others, we will talk about them in future articles. .
Second, if the income in the family is unstable, then it is imperative to smooth out such unevenness. Let me explain, for example, a spouse who is the main "earner" in the family, or both spouses do not work on a stable salary, but on percentages that differ every month, sometimes dramatically. In order to avoid “hungry” months in this state of affairs, it is necessary to reserve money in a bank account: after receiving a high income, immediately put aside 20% (minimum) on a savings deposit.
2) expenses, or rather the ratio of income and expenses.
The golden law of any bookkeeping, including home accounting: expenses should not exceed income! Violation of this law leads to loans, debts and unjustified credits. Savings help to balance income and expenses, as well as reduce the latter. The next few articles I will devote to simple and affordable ways to save money. .
3) availability of own housing.
Oh, this is a stumbling block for most families! A separate apartment or house is necessary for a happy family life. And best of all own, not rented. Of course, not everyone has the opportunity to buy a home. But if you correctly plan the family budget, it will be possible to celebrate housewarming soon.
4) the presence of a "cushion" - a financial reserve.
We have already touched on this point a little above when we talked about income. The reserve is the cash funds of the family budget intended for spending on unforeseen needs. It can be monthly or multi-year. Monthly reserve is the part of your funds that is left for additional, unforeseen expenses every month. Unforeseen expenses in this case should not be understood as the purchase of another coffee table, because it harmonizes much better with your tablecloth and curtains than the existing one, but the cost of repairing suddenly broken equipment, leaky clothes or shoes, medical expenses. A multi-year reserve of funds is designed in case the family suddenly remains without income for some time (dismissal, reduction from work, etc.).
5) investment capital, that is, the money that is invested in shares, real estate and generate income.
We will not dwell on the problem of investing in detail here, but this is an equally important component, from which your financial well-being depends.
And last, but most, in my opinion, the most important rule:
6) the general views of the spouses on the issues of maintaining the family budget.
Of course, for harmony in the family, it is necessary that the views of the spouses coincide on most issues, and financially in the first place. What income and standard of living does each of the spouses claim? Are you ready to invest money without a return guarantee? Are you ready to lend money to friends and relatives, and if so, how much? Do you need to take consumer loans, for what and for what amounts? How will each of you answer this question? If your views and aspirations coincide - congratulations, you are halfway to success, and if your ideas differ, then neither high income nor minimal expenses will lead you to financial well-being. But even if there are some disagreements between the spouses in the financial matter, they can be gradually smoothed out if they work together on the family budget, jointly keep track of income and expenses, discussing all emerging monetary issues. Mutual understanding and teamwork - that, in my opinion, is the main thing from what financial well-being depends families.
Good luck to you and family happiness!
"I like the idea that money is as accessible as the air I breathe. I like the idea that I breathe money in and out. It's fun to imagine how much money flows to me. I see how my attitude towards money affects the money that comes to me I am happy to know that after some practice I can control my attitude towards money or anything I have found that the more I say these words out loud, this magical story of abundance, the better I feel .
I like to know that I create my own reality and that the money that flows into my life is directly related to my thoughts. I like to know that I can change the amount of money I receive by changing my thoughts.
Now that I understand that I am getting the essence of what I think about, and most importantly, now that I understand that through feelings I can determine whether I am focused on money or on its absence, I feel confident that with in time I will align my thoughts with abundance, and money will flow abundantly into my life.
I understand that people around me view money, wealth, spending, saving, giving and receiving money, making money from very different points of view and that I do not need to understand their opinions and experiences. I was relieved to know that I didn't have to figure it all out. It is very comforting to know that my job is only to align my thoughts about money with my own desires about money, and that when I feel good, that means I am in alignment. I like to know that it is completely normal for me to experience negative emotions about money from time to time. But I intend to quickly direct my thoughts in a more pleasant direction, because it makes sense to me that thoughts that feel pleasant bring positive results. The first evidence of my alignment with money will be more pleasant sensations, improved mood and outlook on life, and then, soon, real changes in my financial situation will follow. Of this I am sure.
I am aware of the direct connection between what I think and feel about money and what is actually going on in my life."
Folk signs related to money
Do you work hard but never have enough money? Are you trying to save money but failing? Perhaps the matter is in non-compliance with folk signs. In this article we will tell you what you need to do to keep the money in the house.
Following the signs, you will not only save yourself from trouble, but also attract good luck and money. Many people know the sign about birds, and also about the fact that the right palm itches for money. And that, when lending, you need to keep a rusty nail in your pocket?
Some signs will seem strange, but many people believe in them.
How to lend or borrow?
You can’t lend on Monday - you will lose all the money. You cannot transfer money from hand to hand, you need to put it, for example, on the table, and only then take it. Otherwise, along with the money, the bad energy of a person will pass to you. If you are lending in the evening, put the money on the floor and have the other person pick it up. In general, it is believed that it is better not to lend in the evening.
It is necessary to give money only in the morning and only in small bills. When you are repaid, keep the fig of your left hand in your pocket.
To keep money in the house
Money in the wallet should be in expanded form, banknotes of different denominations in order. Paper money must be kept facing you. Also in the wallet you need to keep a piece of wood from the swallow's nest so that the money does not disappear. I attract money put in the wallet aspen leaf, mint leaves and a pinch of cinnamon. If you get a big profit, take one bill from there, put it in your wallet, do not spend or exchange it. When you give someone a wallet, you can put a bill in it so that it is never empty.
In the house, money should be kept under a tablecloth, at night - under an oilcloth. To lure money into the house, you need to put a large bill three days before the full moon under the oilcloth.
In order for there to be money in the house, you need to put a coin in each corner of the room, saying "Let him come to my house." The broom should be kept with the handle down, the mirror should be hung in the kitchen or next to the table. Money at home should be kept in red envelopes or bags on the east or southeast side of the house. It is worth buying a money tree, taking care of it and putting a pot with it in the southeast.
Other signs
Always count change, money loves a count;
You can’t spend all the money from the wallet on some thing, make sure that there is always money in the wallet;
Eat more blueberries, they promote health and wealth;
Nails should be cut on Tuesday or Friday;
On a clean Thursday, money must be counted;
It is necessary to wash with water in which the coins were lying for the New Year, Easter and Maundy Thursday;
Put money under the newborn's pillow.
The signs are quite strange, but there are more memorable ones:
Throw a hand of earth over your head;
Put a live bumblebee in a chest, purse or pocket;
Catch a water meter beetle with your left hand and carry it with you;
Put a coin in the swallow's nest for nine days;
Throw a large stone at a party, saying: “Let the owner’s money be as heavy as this stone”;
On St. George's Day, on a non-white canvas, cut off the head of a bat with a silver ring, wrap it in this canvas and bury it in front of the threshold of the house or in a chest with money.
Signs may seem stupid, but there are beliefs in which worldly wisdom can be traced:
Do not discuss the income of other people, then there will be none of your own;
There is no need to hate the poor and the rich, then you yourself will never live in abundance;
It is necessary to give alms to the poor, it is believed that on Sunday you need to spend all the change from the wallet or give it to the poor, otherwise only small money will be found, but you cannot give change from bread or salt.
There are signs associated with animals:
If the cat stretches, then this is to the benefit;
In Japan, if a cat runs its left paw over its ear, then there will be many visitors in the shop;
In China, if someone else's cat appears at home, this is to poverty;
If you see an evil cat in a dream, this is a theft;
A cat or a dog must live at home, otherwise there will be no prosperity;
A black dog, cat or rooster will protect the house from thieves.
There are also New Year signs. To live in abundance for the next year, you need:
New Year should be met in new socks, underwear and with a new hairstyle;
At the table, try 7 different dishes, and put 7 coins under the chair;
You need to repay debts before the New Year, even at the festive table;
During the first strike of the chimes, make a wish, clutching a coin in your left hand;
Throw a coin into a glass of champagne, drink it, make a hole in the coin and wear it as a pendant;
There are also superstitions that carry losses:
Put empty bottles on the table, sit on the table, put money on the table, sweep the garbage out of the house at sunset, stand on the doorstep, whistle at home, exchange money for smaller ones.
Psychotherapist of the highest category,
family psychologist, gestalt therapist
Almost every time a couple comes to therapy, one way or another, a money issue comes up, relating to a dispute over the family budget, sometimes going as far as divorce. And most often this iceberg is hidden by the surface part in the form of a completely different request: “My husband doesn’t love me, doesn’t appreciate me”, "My wife doesn't understand how hard it is for me", my husband stopped helping me etc.
The question of money is not customary to discuss lightly and openly. The introduced institution of the marriage contract regulates material relations in the family, but after the dissolution of the marriage. And the percentage of families concluding it is not so great.
Lovers, on the other hand, consider direct discussions about the financial structure of the future family to be a manifestation of commercialism, and most often they guess this by the behavior of their partner. Judging by the conversion of couples, ideas about the financial part differ greatly before and after marriage.
Common causes of money disputes in families
1. Spending not agreed with the spouse.The chaotic management of the family budget, the unsystematic accounting of cash receipts and expenditures in themselves create prerequisites for questions: Where did the money go? How to survive until the end of the month? Again, not enough for ..?
Example:
The family has a common budget and saves for the initial mortgage payment. At some point, the husband decides that right now he needs to buy a car for work, especially since the neighbor offers cheaper. The deal took place on the same day. Almost all of the accumulated amount has been spent. A pregnant wife, returning from work, not only does not share her husband's joy from the acquisition, which is superfluous in her opinion, but also decides to pack her things and leave for her parents, filing for divorce.
2. Different attitude to money.
Each of the spouses was brought up in a family with their own rules and they may have a different attitude towards money. A conflict arises if this difference in the pair is not taken into account.
Example:
Oleg: “You work all the time, the children and I miss you. I stopped feeling like a man, because you decide everything, you earn more than me.
Inga: “I have a good career, yes, I make good money, and this makes it possible for our family to live fully. You are a caring husband and father, I don’t care that you bring money less than me, but I am calm for our life and the well-being of my daughters. And I love you for it. My mother always brought more than my father. For me, it's okay."
Oleg: “In our family, it was customary for mothers to be with their children, spend more time at home, meet their husband. And men earned and solved family problems. I feel like a rag. We do not need so many expensive things and rest, we could live more modestly, but be together more often.
Here two beliefs collided: “a man should earn in a family” with another family driver, where this value is not present, but, on the contrary, a woman earns more, and this suits her.
3. Monopoly on managing the family budget.
As they say, whoever pays orders the music. The only earner often himself disposes of what is mined. It happens that the second non-working partner takes over the distribution of funds. Conflicts arise if decisions are made by the partner alone, without taking into account the opinion of the second, especially if the second has earned this money. It is logical if the controlling stake in the distribution of funds belongs to the main earner in the family.
Example:
Olga: “You stopped giving me good gifts, you save on my vacation! Before the wedding, he courted, but now he has stopped. You do not love me anymore?"
Ivan: “Darling, now we are a family, and we have a lot of expenses: an apartment in a mortgage, a car requires expenses, we are building a house, vacation twice a year, my education, your leisure. I earn money alone, I have to take everything into account in order to have enough money. I was more generous to you, I wanted to please you, but now we have other tasks. I love you also very much and I’m ready for a lot!”
Olga: “I thought that you would not save on your wife! I don’t work, you know my position, dad provided for the whole family and mom never worked, everyone was happy. You should try to earn more if we don't have enough, you're a man!”
Ivan: "Honey, I'm trying my best. It is difficult for me to pull so many of our projects alone. My mother worked on a par with my father, supported him and they lived together. Maybe you can do something? You have an education."
Here, in addition to the monopoly on budget management, there are various family drivers: “a man provides for the family” and “both work equally”.
The wife is in a childish position, she demands and is capricious, offended if she is not inferior. The husband, being soft, endures, yields. There would be no problem if for the husband the position of her father would be convenient (to give, take care of a child, indulge whims). But a conflict is forming inside the husband: to increase momentum in work and provide for all the whims of his wife, or to defend his interests and involve his wife in the formation of a joint budget, which is more familiar to him.
There was no talk of an agreement in this pair. After some time, thanks to therapy, Olga managed to take a more realistic look at the possibilities of the family budget and demand less, and Ivan to be firmer in his decisions.
4. The only breadwinner in the family.
In itself, this situation is not easy for all family members, since everyone depends on the performance, condition and mood of the main earner. High responsibility and on the most earning.
Sometimes this is the only possible situation, for example, when the wife is on maternity leave, or the second partner is sick. It would be nice if this did not last long, and the second partner could also contribute. Conflicts arise from high tension in relationships, dependence of all on one family member, from disregard for the opinions, interests, needs of a non-working partner.
5. Claims about low earnings, insufficient investments in the general budget.
Example:
Maria: “I don’t like that you, earning a lot, allocate only 20 thousand to the general budget. I have to skimp on good products to stay within the budget.”
Semyon: “We agreed that I would contribute this amount. You yourself make good money, you can spend your money if you want to live better. Everything suits me."
Maria: “Yes, but you live in my apartment, and you rent yours. And since then, he began to earn much more than when we first started living together. Let's make the overall budget bigger, because there is an opportunity!
Semyon: "Then I will have to save on my rest and hobbies."
In this pair, it was possible to agree on an increase in the overall budget. The partners turned out to be open to each other's needs, respected the feelings, were able to agree without reproaching or judging.
Types of family budget
- General (fully joint)
- Separated
- Mixed (partially common)
How to resolve a family conflict over the budget?
The algorithm is simple. In any conflict situation, there is a reasonable chain of actions that involves:
1. Recognition of the fact of the problem by both spouses.The more concisely, more precisely and more specifically the problem is named, the easier it will be to find its solution.
2. Discussion of the problem.
In short, there is a lot to deal with: the partner’s feelings and beliefs, willingness to compromise or stubbornness, lack of desire to establish financial relationships and take responsibility.
3. Search for solutions to the problem.
A constructive part of the work of two partners with a mutual desire to improve relations in a pair.
Feelings and logic. How to talk about money?
A little more about working in pairs, expanding the above algorithm.
It is important for every partner in marriage to understand their attitude towards money. In the beginning - this is the history of financial relationships in the parental family. What family rules and beliefs did you grow up with. What are the most common words you hear from your parents? "buy whatever you want", "we can't afford it", "money is evil", "never borrow", "money is not a problem" etc.
How do you feel about money and spending it? Is money a resource and energy or something that drains you? Do you spend with pleasure or with difficulty? What are you willing to give money for? What will you never pay for? How can you accumulate? Are you saving, and is there a real reason for that? What is the first thing you start saving? Do you calculate expenses for the next period? Or does the money run out suddenly?
How do you and your partner feel about these questions and the answers to them? Speaking about your preferences and feelings, it is better if you do it respectfully to your spouse, from I-messages (I am anxious; I get upset when you ..; I am offended), without condemning the partner and with a desire to hear him in response.
Then it is important for the two of you to discuss your beliefs in order to understand what you agree on and what you don’t, how fundamental the differences are.
Choose the right type of family budget for your family.
Discuss with your partner your joint financial priorities for the long term: real estate, education, health, recreation, as well as immediate tasks, such as buying a car, furniture or repairs.
The ability to negotiate comes with experience, so if you make it a rule to arrange periodic financial meetings, this will only add clarity and trust to your relationship.
I wish you good relations, including financial ones!