Is it better to be smart among the stupid or stupid among the smart? Why smart people find it hard to be happy

It would seem that people around you constantly meet, fall in love and get married, but you just can’t manage to follow the flow. Grandmother says: "You're being clever a lot." Sofia Kovalevskaya had to enter into a fictitious marriage, and the smartest woman in the world, Daniela Simidchieva, is raising three children alone. True, smart, kind and decent men also suffer from similar problems. And I want to believe that one day we will cross paths. To understand how to solve the problem of smart girls, I interviewed several acquaintances to find out why it is so difficult to build healthy relationships if your IQ is slightly above the norm.

1. Smart girls are more comfortable being out of a relationship than being with the wrong guy. They understand that the time they spend in a relationship that will exhaust them and leave them heartbroken can be spent on something else.

2. They try too hard to analyze what the "right" guy should be. Smart girls know that compatibility is more of a science than an art. It is half chemistry between people and half is grown love and care.

Ivan, 23

I have a couple of friends who are very interesting to just talk to. Discuss some things that I myself do not really understand, share something new. It develops. On the other hand, I do not like "smart girls" who simply declare their intelligence: they find fault with everything, presenting their pickiness as intelligence and "the only true opinion." I think that when guys say they don't like "smart" girls, most of the time it's about that. And with a worldly wise woman it’s hard only if he himself is ill-adapted to life.

3. Smart girls usually have the means to do so, and most of them take advantage of this opportunity. At some point, they become afraid to share their comfortable space with another, because so much effort has been invested in it.

Natalia, 23

I am a sensible girl and I want others to think sensibly too. I met guys who studied at my faculty, and on dates I found out that they absolutely do not understand their work. They don’t understand basic things, they don’t try to learn something new. If we were in a relationship, I would like to kick this guy all the time. Not because I want to drive him under the heel, but simply so that he stops living so passively.

4. Their personal interests outside of dating always compete for attention. They are constantly. Smart girls are busy with their favorite hobbies or careers, and they don't always have enough time to go on dates all the time. Most often this is the main problem, why they are still alone. Simple math: more trial and error - the pool of people with whom you can build relationships increases.

5. They are not cynical, they just know how often relationships end and why. They do not rely only on the feeling of love. They want to know that the couple will agree on important things like outlook on the future, financial habits, and so on.

6. They can discern the feeling of comfort and affection that comes when a guy makes a commitment. They understand that most often it is just an explosion of hormones. Love needs to be cultivated, intimacy needs to be practiced. And they are not going to settle for less.

7. Smart women intimidate many insecure people, and people around them can have many strong feelings towards them: both good and bad.

Ruslan, 23

I dated a very smart girl for 2.5 years. And it was great! The downside was that I could not sell her nonsense in disputes, talk about what I did not understand. She always had arguments.

8. They don't pretend they know what they want in 10 or 20 years. They do not think that they will always remain the same as they are now. Smart girls tend to grow and change in their lives, which can make it difficult to maintain a relationship.

9. Once upon a time, women were literally passed from the hands of the father to the hands of the husband, and these traditions were maintained for hundreds of years. Now, relationships are seen as the result of love, affection, and deep communication. But alas, not all men, even in Russia,.

10. They know how to protect themselves. They are not going to invest everything in a hopeless relationship or risk their lives. They will evaluate whether the game is worth the candle.

Eugene, 26

I would start by separating the mind and just erudition or the amount of knowledge. Both are excellent. But if the second may not cause problems, then the first is a much more significant thing.

Behind myself, I noticed that I like smart or knowledgeable girls, as this instantly attracts my attention, and sometimes causes admiration. But either nature or social attitudes about the superiority of a man over a woman can lead to negative effects such as a feeling of vulnerability and a decrease in self-importance. In the case when the question is in quantity, you compensate for this with other areas in which you simply know more.
But if the girl is smart and surpasses you, then this is already a matter of efficiency. If she solves problems more efficiently than you and finds more rational solutions, then this is a very strong blow.

If you cannot resist her in disputes or resolving any issues, this is a loss. Not literally, but in the context of dominance.

Once I had the experience of communicating with a fairly smart girl, but this experience was 90% connected with a showdown. We had a fight the first day we met. In the next few months, we did this almost every day: figured out who was right and who was wrong, played on each other's feelings and used very nasty tricks to overthrow the opponent. It was interesting and even informative, but it was more like a war than a normal relationship. Plus, I was very tired of this lifestyle. Instead of thinking about something good, I was in a state of this "game", which did not leave me the opportunity to exist and think in a normal way.

Summing up:

Firstly, a smart girl can become an interesting "opponent" with whom it will not be boring. But a very smart one can become an “enemy”.

Secondly, a smart girl can take a dominant position. And you will not like it if she shows it not only at home, but also in public. And there are three options depending on the nature:
1) You will take it for granted and will not change anything. Surely everyone has an example from the life of older generations, when the main woman with a frying pan is in the house.
2) You use it to improve your skill or just to develop and enjoy knowing what a cool girl you have.
3) Break off the relationship.

And third: with a smart girl it can be really hard, because you have to step over yourself. This is not entirely a minus, butoo ... There may be discomfort and suspiciousness in relation to her words and actions.

Have you noticed from your acquaintances and friends that truly smart and deep people are, as a rule, unhappy?

They can have a partner, a husband, a family, a good job. But something still makes them feel lonely, unhappy and lost. The writer Ernst Hemingway wrote: The happiness of smart people is the rarest thing I've ever seen. ».

6 main reasons why happiness is such a rare guest in the lives of smart people

People with high IQs tend to over-analyze everything that happens in and around their lives. Over time, this wears them down, especially if their thinking leads them to disappointing conclusions.

Have you heard the expression " Ignorance is real bliss? And it's true: the less you understand, the more carefree and happy you feel. The fact that you can clearly see the true selves of people and the motives of their actions does not add happiness at all. Because of this, you feel disappointed in absolutely everything in this world.

Not to mention the feelings that arise in connection with reflections on the philosophical topics of being, about global catastrophes and life dilemmas that have no solution.

2. They tend to have high standards

Smart people know exactly what they want and won't settle for less on any terms. This means that it is much more difficult for them than others to feel satisfaction from their achievements, relationships with partners, friends or colleagues. Yes, literally from everything that is in their lives!

Moreover, often people with a brilliant mind have rather idealistic views of the world. Therefore, when faced with a cruel reality, where the tenacious and grasping survive, they feel deep disappointment.

3. They are too hard on themselves

Another reason smart people can't be happy is because they're too hard on themselves. And it's not just about achievements and failures. Very smart and deep people analyze their behavior and themselves in such a way as to find an extra reason to blame themselves for something for the umpteenth time.

Sometimes you are already lying in bed and falling asleep, and suddenly you remember a situation (which probably happened last summer, well, at least a month ago) when you didn’t do what you wanted or should have done. And that's it - the dream vanished until the morning.

Smart people often pull flashbacks like this from the bins of their memory.

All this causes a feeling of guilt, dissatisfaction with oneself and other negative emotions, with which happiness, alas, is not on the way.

4. Smart reality - not enough

People with high IQs never stop looking for something more - new horizons, meaning, purpose. Those who think even deeper do not stop there. Their restless mind does not allow them to relax and enjoy the "good things in life".

Trivial reality is too boring for them. They crave something fantastic, ideal, extraordinary ... And, of course, they do not find it in the real world.

Have you ever felt that you got here by chance, that in fact - from another century or even a planet? Deep, highly intelligent people often feel this way. How can you be happy when you feel like a stranger in this world?

5. Lack of real contact and understanding from other people

In truth, we all strive for one thing - to be truly understood. How nice it is to sit somewhere with a like-minded person and talk about everything in the world, knowing that he understands you and looks at the world the same way.

Unfortunately, smart people very rarely can boast of such a like-minded person. Many of them feel lonely and misunderstood. As if no one in the whole world can see the depth of their mind.

It has been scientifically proven that socialization only prevents people with a high IQ from becoming happy. Unlike people with average intelligence, who simply need it.

This does not mean that smart people do not need to communicate with other people. They just want to talk about exciting and meaningful things, not store discounts, the weather, or weekend plans.

Needless to say, it's getting harder and harder these days to find someone for really deep communication. For this we can "thank" our consumer society, aimed exclusively at obtaining material benefits. It's sad, but it's the brutal truth.

6. Many people with high IQ suffer from psychological problems.

More than one scientific paper has been written in psychiatry, in which the authors associate mental disorders, such as social phobia or bipolar disorder, with a high IQ. Is it possible to argue that this is a kind of "side effect" of a deep mind? Who knows. Science cannot yet penetrate so deeply into the mysteries of the human mind.

At the same time, smart people who do not suffer from mental disorders are prone to so-called existential depression, which is often the result of excessive thinking. If you often think and analyze everything, then at some point you begin to think about life, death and the meaning of existence. You start to rethink your whole life, and sadness for no reason is guaranteed.

If you belong to a group of smarter people, your personal life can be quite challenging. Finding love and keeping it can be surprisingly difficult. You may feel misunderstood in a relationship, you may not be entirely sure that you are doing everything right. The answer, surprisingly, may be in your IQ.

Smart people seem like they have everything: they do well in school, their careers flourish, their social life is full of events. However, most often they find it difficult to find a suitable partner, fall in love and form a long-term relationship.

If you are a very intelligent person, chances are that your intelligence is indeed responsible for making your love life a little more difficult than you would like it to be. But why? There are several reasons.

1. Intellectuals value independence

It can often seem difficult, but smart people value their independence more. It affects every area of ​​their life. It's not that they don't feel love, but their need for freedom doesn't stop when they're in a relationship. This creates tension between partners. Their partners just need to understand and respect their personal time and space.

2. Fear of failed relationships

Smart people are usually lonely because they made a conscious decision to be that way. Although they may seem open to possible love partners, it is sometimes helpful to have a person alone for some time, as this can give them a chance to reflect on their past relationships, find mistakes, and also learn a lot about themselves. This trait makes smart people look distant and cold, but it actually helps them not to become miserable.

3. Continuous analysis

Very smart people seem to have different brains. They are most often overthinkers, which can harm them. Partners will not always wait while they weigh the pros and cons. Love doesn't have to be rationalized, and sometimes we get blinded by our emotions.

4. Caution

Smart people find it hard to believe in love at first sight. Again, this is not because they lack the romantic gene, but simply because they can recall pain from the past more vividly. They may seem suspicious, but this is just their defense mechanism.

5. Intelligence and professionalism over love

Smart people are often more focused on their careers than their love lives. For them, the profession is their element, in which they feel good, they are valuable and skillful. Their career is their comfort zone as it gives them the opportunity to use their strengths. That is why they usually marry later than their peers.

If you classify yourself as a smart person, then you run the risk of looking for a job longer and earning less money than a person without pretensions to high intelligence. There are 5 reasons for this.

RiskKnowledge founder Maurice Ewing has been amazed for many years by how his friends and acquaintances remain unemployed or forced to accept part-time jobs for months or even years. Despite decent experience, personal qualities and a brilliant education, they have exceptionally long breaks between jobs, when they are not even invited for an interview.

One day, he came across an article stating that "smart people", whose cognitive abilities are above average, are affected by an even smarter force, which the article called "blind prejudice." In other words, when making a decision, they tend to unjustifiably trust primitive instincts. As a result, they make more mistakes than mere mortals. In particular, smart people see other people's prejudice tendencies much better than their own.

As Maurice thought about how this discovery might help the plight of his smartest friends in their job search, he suddenly had an interesting idea. But what if these prejudices of smart friends are reflected in the resume for potential employers? Maybe their remarkable intellect just hinders their professional progress?

He carefully studied their resumes and this is what he found:

1. Many smart people don't have a profile that looks like they're looking for a job.

Over the years of corporate life, Maurice realized that HR managers set quite narrow limits for people. If you have a profile, say on Professionals, in which something standard is written, like “financial director”, then you are easy to understand, find, interview and hire. Even if you seem happy and firmly settled in your current job, recruiters may turn to you.

If, however, your profile title looks cryptic, such as "finance cyborg," your resume is likely to be overlooked because the recruiter won't want to take the time to sift through this information and see if you have the necessary skills. Most likely, such a resume will be difficult to find by keywords. As a result, smart people who position themselves as self-sufficient deprive themselves of the chance to be noticed.

2. Smart people's resumes are often longer and more detailed than regular ones.

One side effect of high intelligence is the ability to do more in a short amount of time than most other people. As a result, the resume of a smart person with 10 years of work experience looks like he has worked for 20 or even 30 years. The problem, however, is in the presentation and presentation of the facts.

When a smart person tries to describe all the details, all the experience and every nook and cranny of his life, the recruiter is immersed in this flow of information and does not notice the necessary experience for his vacancy. Also, long and crowded resumes can look like the person is trying too hard. It is much better to emphasize the necessary experience, skills and achievements in the logical and not chronological format.

3. Smart people often narrow their experience - and sell themselves for less than they could.

Often the job goes to smart people and it looks like it's the right position for him or her to excel in, but they say, "I'm not an expert in this field."

This attitude is associated with conservative way of thinking, grows out of the belief that a person should stay in their usual comfort zone: move from job to job without growth, except that which comes from within. It may seem natural, but it is unprofessional. Such an attitude is not hello to where a person hopes to advance. If you refuse from all the possibilities that do not match ideal for your experience, you will remain unemployed.

Lesson: If you want to get a job, you need to be willing to move out of your comfort zone of past experience, at least into an area where similar skills can come in handy.

4. Smart people prefer to talk about themselves in terms of results.

Many of the smart people have super achievements behind them: their results are much louder than their speech. However, no one cancels the fact that in a job search situation, it is important to first get into an interview where you can demonstrate achievements.

That is why people of higher intelligence may want to learn how to present their achievements, skills and talents in a concise manner so that it is immediately clear how they can help their employer. They cannot rely on the knowledge that you once did an amazing job for someone else. Therefore, you can hardly expect them to read about your achievements to be amazed at how much you have done.

5. Smart people are too modest.

Despite the rather caricatured portrayal of Wall Streeters as rather boring and arrogant nerds, most really smart people don't consider themselves smart or special. Rather, highly intelligent people view their ways of thinking and acting as normal, convinced that everyone else does the same. Only with time do they discover that their habit of reading poems in the evenings in ancient Greek language may look strange.

As a result, smart people do not know how to emphasize their skills or experience, do not know how to express it. They also don't know how to write about their achievements in such a way that the recruiter can find their resume by keyword.

This excessive humility may not be due to innate modesty or a feeling that her or his qualifications are not suitable for the job. It is, rather, ignoring what "the rest of the world" finds important.

After all, smart job seekers need to get smart about how they present themselves!

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The IQ of Albert Einstein is 170, Stephen Hawking is 160, Ashton Kutcher is 160, Natalie Portman is 140. It seems that the smartest people don't have too many problems and are truly happy. But, as it turned out, happiness is a rare companion in the life of extraordinary smart people, and here's why.

site likes to understand issues that haunt many people. Especially for you, we have found the reasons that prevent a smart person from feeling lonely, unhappy and lost.

10. They analyze everything all the time.

7. Many smart people suffer from psychological problems.

Many scientific works confirm that intellectuals often suffer from mental disorders. Scientists have not identified a direct relationship, but the fact remains. The habit of constant analysis leads to frequent reflections on life, death and the meaning of existence. All this in most cases ends in depression.

Help others more often, even strangers. Studies have shown that people who support others experience a sense of inner harmony much more often than those who ignore other people's problems. In addition, this is an excellent occasion to distract from constant thoughts and gloomy thoughts.

6. They strive to live up to the expectations of others.

The academic success of such people in the future drags with it all the high expectations of others. Such a load often turns out to be an unbearable burden, especially for gifted children who lose their childhood early.

Excessive focus on ourselves, worry about how we look in the eyes of others prevent us from living and enjoying ourselves. Try to treat study and work as a game: get fully involved in the process and try not to get hung up on the result, advises the famous psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi .

5. They rarely make rational decisions.

As research has shown, intellectuals make mistakes just as often in life as everyone else. “People with IQs above average commit irrational acts, are more prone to delusions and rely on intuition,” the authors say. Scientists, emotional, moral and physical intelligence play a much larger role in achieving financial success. Learn to develop them in yourself. Emotional intelligence is expressed in how well you understand your feelings and the feelings of others. Moral intelligence - how you feel about your obligations, your honesty. Indicators of physical intelligence are how you take care of your own body (nutrition, sports, recreation, health).

3. They experience more stress

Canadian scientists have come to the conclusion that people with high IQ perceive simple everyday problems much more sharply. They have a habit of overthinking what is happening, including the negative, and this is a direct path to chronic stress.

On the advice of a psychologist