A sincere desire to help, warn, and protect your child sometimes leads to scandals, misunderstandings, and even a break in relations with parents. Why do family relationships crack and the closest people become enemies?

It is human nature to be afraid. When you are alone, you are afraid only for yourself, when you have a family, there is more fear. The main focus of your concern is, of course, the children. You take care of them when they only know how to eat and dirty diapers, when they take their first steps, run to school, suffer from their first unhappy love, enter a technical school or university, look for a job, choose a life partner, go into debt to buy an apartment, they give birth to grandchildren, give you “temporarily” a cat that has gone crazy from living in an apartment, they begin to get sick and think about retirement...
Everyone decides for themselves where to put an end to parental care. Some people never do this at all. Some would like to deliver, but the children themselves demand more and more participation in their lives - help, advice, money. And very often family relationships crack, and the closest people inflict insults on each other, the wounds of which do not heal for years.

We wanted the best...
Story one
A friend of mine, let's call her Olga, once complained that her mother was sick and asked to visit her more often, but Olga had no desire to do this. She, of course, takes care of her mother, but she prefers to chat with a friend or sit in front of the TV than to walk a couple of blocks to the old lady who lives next door.
“We are strangers. No, I won’t leave her, but I treat taking care of her as some kind of duty. I don’t feel any joy from helping my mother,” says Olga. According to her, about 30 years ago, when she, a laboratory assistant at a food production facility, was wandering around rented apartments with her graduate student husband and small child, her mother flatly refused to help them join a cooperative and purchase an apartment. At the same time, she, a storekeeper in one of the Krasnodar stores, had considerable opportunities. “My parents didn’t help me, I myself have achieved everything in life, and you will too. When you gave birth to the child, you didn’t ask me - so you learn to rely only on yourself,” the woman said. The shock technique worked; Olga’s difficulties strengthened her. Now she has a four-room apartment and a good job. But the feeling that “I’m on my own, and my mother is on her own” remained forever. “I will help my people as long as I live,” says Olga. “I don’t want them to take care of me in my old age just because I gave birth to them.”

Story two
There are also counter examples. Artem (name changed) is 35 years old. I know him through mutual friends. The guy is not stupid, but somewhat lethargic and indecisive. For several years he has been talking about his plans to change jobs - he is a mathematics teacher at school. But everything will not come together. Friends who know his parents say that they always took care of him. Due to poor health, they forbade him to play sports, they didn’t let him go on hikes with his class, because one day he got lost in the forest, they forbade him to be friends with “hooligans and C-grade students,” they themselves chose which specialty he should enter, then they got him into school, and even. .. married the daughter of his colleagues, who left him after a couple of years of living in the same apartment with her mother-in-law. It’s not that the guy resisted this tutelage. But Artem did not succeed as a professional, as a husband and father. And it seems like this is forever.
In recent years, he began to drink, and if it weren’t for his mother’s care, and the fact that he doesn’t live alone in the apartment, in my opinion, he would have gone downhill long ago. His parents are over 70 years old. And their main sadness is what will happen to their son when both of them are gone.

Story three
It happened among my distant relatives. Katya is the first child. Her mother and father built a career when they were young, they had no time for it, they disappeared on business trips, and she grew up with her grandparents. When, 15 years later, their second son was born, dad and mom were already close to the 40-year mark, strengthened their financial situation, and with him they gave free rein to their parental feelings. They cherished, cherished - everything was always the best for Slava. The guy’s career was built by both families - both his parents and Katya and her husband. We paid for my studies in Moscow and paid for a rented apartment for several years until I got back on my feet. Now he stands on them quite firmly - the head of a large department in some foreign trading company. Everything would be fine, but when her mother was sick, Katya took her to the doctors, and when she died, she also organized and paid for the funeral. Now she has her bedridden father in her arms. Vyacheslav is not going to move to Krasnodar from the capital to be closer to the old man. After all, it would be wrong to give up his career, on the altar of which his family put so much...

Story four
A friend of mine got married a couple of years ago. He had just graduated from university, so did his wife, there was no money - and the wedding was organized by his “ancestors”. The father-in-law and mother-in-law insisted on a cafe with a toastmaster and relatives, so that everything would be “human,” the father-in-law and mother-in-law said that there was no point in getting into debt and it was better to limit ourselves to a modest home party. That's what they did in the end.
A year later, the fathers-in-law saved up some money and offered their relatives to chip in to help the young people take out a mortgage on their one-room apartment. And this time the matchmakers refused - there was no money. And six months later, they exchanged their domestic car for a foreign car for 600 thousand.
Since then there has been discord in the family. The husband's parents demand that the newlyweds enter into a marriage contract, according to which the apartment belongs only to the guy. And then suddenly there’s a divorce - the girl, by law, has the right to half of the property. The father-in-law and mother-in-law are perplexed: “Are we really obligated to help if we have our own plans? We’ve been saving for a car for several years!” And they advise the daughter to leave her husband while there are no children - they say, he will become the same penny-pincher, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

All these stories, as well as thousands of others like them, have one thing in common: they wanted the best, but it turned out as always. The result seems to be good intentions: lack of independence and dependence of children on parents or mutual discontent, quarrels up to a complete break in relations.

50 year old boy
It is difficult to say which of these two evils is worse.
The classic of psychology, Murray Bowenwell, argued that an intense emotional gap between relatives leads to a huge number of internal problems - many unhappy, unfulfilled people in life had such conflicts in the past. And we are not talking about financial implementation. The desire to prove that “I am capable of achieving everything on my own” can make a person rich. But the spiritual vacuum cannot be filled with banknotes. Remember the famous "Pretty Woman"? Hatred for his father brought Richard Gere's hero to financial Olympus, but almost deprived him of simple human happiness.
On the other hand, Bowenwel argues, the gap between parents and children does not arise out of nowhere - it is the result of incorrect relationships, the foundation of which is laid in childhood, before the age of 7. And in the future, the learned models can work for decades - that’s why a 50-year-old guy with a pot belly and grandchildren feels like a child in his mother’s house.
The main thing, say the luminaries of psychology, is to instill adequate self-esteem in a little person, to prevent him from thinking about himself worse than he is. His personality must be treated with respect, recognition of the importance of his requests and aspirations. But at the same time, teach your son or daughter to respect your parents’ desires and goals.

You do not respect me!
Unfortunately, it is respect that is often lacking in many families. And where, over the years, as children grow older, parents do not want to recognize their right and responsibility to build a life independently with full responsibility for it, mutual discontent is brewing.
“The question of “to help or not” to adult children, what kind of help it can be and what family members have the right to demand from each other and what not, usually arises in not very happy families,” says Krasnodar family psychologist Ilona Stefanidi. - A couple of years ago, a study was conducted at the Moscow Humanitarian University on the relationship between adult children and their parents. Several dozen men and women took part in it. Psychologists have identified 4 main types of relationships. And only one of them is healthy - when mutual understanding and cooperation, bilateral care and mutual assistance arise between generations. At the same time, communication must take place “as equals,” as between adults. Only then is there no tension, no place for mutual expectations, reproaches and demands. Both generations are only worried about the fact that there is not as much time left for communication as they would like. And help is perceived by young people not as a duty, but as a pleasant surprise and only if it does not burden the other side.
I think that with such a “caring” type of relationship, a situation where some relatives were offended by others because they did not want to help would simply not arise. Because family members are thinking about not creating conflict. And the offer of help could be accepted, for example, by giving money for a while or on loan. This would eliminate mutual reproaches, which could ultimately even destroy a young family.
But besides healthy relationships, there are three more types that are characterized by a lack of equality and attempts to dominate.
If parents strive to openly manage their adult children and show excessive care and control when the children no longer need such care, discord is inevitable. This can manifest itself in different ways - from elders’ confidence that children are not capable of anything without their help, and control over their actions even in small things, to self-imposition, blackmail, attempts to induce feelings of guilt and duty: “I gave birth to you, raised you.” , I’ve worked for you all my life and you must...”
There is also hidden leadership when elders try to control certain aspects of the lives of younger ones: the upbringing of their own children, relationships with their spouses, and if he is not there, they try to introduce the child to people of the opposite sex and “arrange” his personal life. In this case, subtle methods of pressure are often used: facial expressions, meaningful glances, “accidentally” thrown phrases that express the parent’s attitude to the decisions you make.
A widespread form of relationship is in which children depend on mom and dad. Everyone is well familiar with one of its manifestations - the younger ones have never matured and constantly demand that their elders participate in their lives. Not necessarily financial help, but also advice, care, hints in difficult situations, and one in which the parents seem to take responsibility for the decision. In return, older children try to please their relatives and obey them.
But the second subtype does not resemble dependence, although that is exactly what it is: children command adults, asserting themselves at the expense of the “old people” who love and forgive them everything.
Interestingly, unhealthy relationships are not at all dependent on whether families live under the same roof. Although, of course, this can cause aggravation of relations.

For him or for yourself?

Why does it turn out that you seem to be doing everything for the sake of the child, but in the end something goes wrong, your sincere help becomes the cause of discord? Or, on the contrary, the “backbone people” have already managed to give birth to their own, but everyone is pulling and pulling the juices out of you, they don’t want to live on their own?
First, you need to cut the “psychological umbilical cord” - admit that your child has grown up and is no longer a part of you. This is the only way you can help him become an independent person.
You cannot live his life for him, you cannot take away the pain that he is destined to experience, you cannot protect him from all his mistakes. Getting stuffed is an integral part of the right of choice that each of us has. The world-famous teacher Maria Montesori has a book, the title of which very accurately describes how the elder should help the younger: “Help me do it myself.”
If you are too persistent in your attempts to warn, protect, control, your dreams or your daughter will push you away as soon as they have enough strength. Or they will forever remain your worthless appendage.
Before interfering in his life, ask yourself: who are you doing this for - for him or for yourself? Behind our actions there is almost always a whole tangle of thoughts, emotions, and feelings. We lump together love and selfishness, the desire for your child to succeed, and our own unrealized dreams, the desire to protect and the fear of losing control. Intervene only when really necessary. And do it as tactfully as possible, without violating the rights to “his territory.”
A free person can only be influenced by his authority. Not with leverage, which you have less and less as your child grows older. And the true value of your personality. If you are an interesting person, if you know and can do a lot of things that they cannot, and at the same time are wise enough to respect their decisions, children will always be drawn to you.
The problem for many parents is that they do not know how to live without a child. And when he leaves, they are not needed not only by him, but also by themselves. They simply have nothing to do with the time they have. And it becomes not an opportunity, but a punishment. Then they cling to the only thing they like to do - continue to point, solve problems, educate.
Remember that sooner or later you will also have to become independent. Strive to be more than just a parent, be interested in the world outside the walls of home and work. The more vital interests you have, the more points of support your “I” will have when the “chick flies away.”
However, no matter where and how he lives, he should feel that you will forever remain one family. If you need help, you will do everything in your power. Then, perhaps, he himself will be ready to come to your aid. But don’t expect it and don’t demand it - neither our children nor we adult children owe anything. Good brings only what is done not under compulsion, but sincerely and with love. Don't look for reward - and it will find you itself.
Give your children freedom and sooner or later you will realize that you have received from them an equally valuable gift: you can be proud of them.

SUBSTRATES

Has America turned its face to family?
It is generally accepted that the desire for nepotism or independence is dictated by the so-called mentality of a particular nation. In the East they live in large families, they know everyone about everyone, they help in difficult times, but at the same time they observe customs and rules, the violation of which can be condemned by members of your family “clan”. In the West, the more common type of relationship is when children, having become independent, lose a significant part of their connections with their families and live on their own.
The United States is considered the most striking example of the “isolation” of children from their parents. Here, for a very long time, it was customary to “push chicks” out of the parental nest immediately after they received their education. Usually the young American did not even return to his father’s house and saw his “ancestors” only a few times a year at family holidays.
However, recent sociological studies have shown that Americans are increasingly helping children with money, advice, and support even during the period of searching for a job, starting a career, or buying a first home. After all, today achieving success requires greater skills, knowledge, and effort from young people than even 20 years ago. And the age of starting a family has increased and it turns out that children in the United States remain children longer. What can I say, now it has simply become more difficult for ex-students to get a job and because of this, three quarters of graduates planned to return to their parents’ home last year!
But even for those who have everything in order with their money and career, moms and dads in the USA still try to somehow support them. They explain this by saying that they are interested in everything working out for the children, since this is the only way they can consider that they have fulfilled their parental duty. And also - when they become weak, it will be easier for successful children to provide them with reciprocal help.
Perhaps the reasons for this global change in traditions are that Americans are no longer so confident in the future after the 2008 crisis. And holding on to each other makes it easier to cope with life’s difficulties, whatever one may say. In addition, the Americans seem to have had enough of freedom from their own children and their problems. After all, the other side of this convenience is “freedom” from a person close to you, from grandchildren, from the joy of communication.

2
TOLD!
If you want to teach children something, first learn it yourself.

3
Counted
22% of marriages in Russia, according to statistics, break up due to financial problems.

4
A case from one's life
An 11th-grader asks his father, who is studying a university brochure for future applicants: “Dad, have you already chosen what profession I want to get?”

Instructions

Many young people who have matured and given birth cannot cope with new responsibilities. You can help sit with the child, bathe him and even put him to bed. But do everything unobtrusively, and if you are not asked to help, then it’s better not to interfere at all. There are cases when parents help out of good intentions, but children take everything with hostility. But not everyone does this; many children, having started a family, want their parents to come more often.

When a child decides to acquire a second education, but cannot due to concerns about the baby, take on these responsibilities. After all, there are few children, they need not only to be raised, but also to contribute to their career. It’s very difficult to start everything from scratch, but with someone’s help everything is much easier. Many people became famous only thanks to the help of loved ones and relatives.

If you notice that there is not enough money for a young family, then first think about how to give it. When you have nothing to eat, you don’t have enough money to repay a loan or pay off a debt, then, of course, it’s worth helping. In other situations, it is better not to give an indulgence, as soon they may start asking you for a loan constantly. And it’s not always your child who is the initiator; more often their significant other starts doing it.

All people need different help, it all depends on the specific situation. Some children dream of an apartment or an expensive car, but if you can't help them get it, then don't blame yourself. The financial side is not always important; children need to be supported morally. When a child feels bad, you need to calm him down and not give him instructions, even if he has stumbled in life.

If you think that children should achieve everything themselves, then just watch what is happening from the outside. But when you see that you can help with something, do it. It is possible that a slight push will help achieve what you want. Be attentive to your children, even if they are already grown up.

Tip 2: How to save money on raising and educating a child

Now many young families do not want to have even one child. We are not talking about two or even three. But the thing is that currently training and raising a child is very expensive. But there are little tricks that will help you save on the learning process.

You will need

• Remember these simple tips.

Instructions

In many cities of Russia there are former Palaces of Pioneers (now they are called, of course, differently), which have various free sections. The main thing is to sign up on time, while there are places available.

Sports clubs are an ideal way to keep your child busy with something interesting that is good for health and overall development. As a rule, every school runs free (or with a nominal fee) sports clubs and sections.

Some parents panic terribly at the word “Unified State Exam”. Meanwhile, there is nothing terrible in this. And if they tell you that you need to allocate a special item in the budget for preparing for the Unified State Exam, do not believe it. Sit down at the computer and decide on training options together with your child.

Video on the topic

Tip 3: How to help parents financially if there is not enough money

Sometimes parents need help, but sharing income with them is very difficult. In this case, small finances have to be divided between two families, and it turns out that there is not enough for everyone. There are several tricks that help you save money; using them, you will make your situation easier.

You can help the older generation not only with money, you can provide support with things, products, and this will allow them to save their finances. And by offering exactly this kind of help, you can leave much more in your pocket.

Wholesale purchases

You often buy groceries; this is a necessity for every family. But if you combine your needs and purchase something in bulk, costs will be reduced by 10-20%. To do this, you need to go to the store 1-2 times a month, buying everything you need. Make a list of the things you need, indicate the required quantity. Then choose a wholesale warehouse or store where the prices will please you. These places usually have a minimum purchase amount, but by purchasing something for two families, you can easily meet the requirements.

It is important not to buy anything unnecessary; there is no need to purchase something that was not included in the plans. Of course, you shouldn’t ignore useful promotions and discounts, but think about the usefulness of things every time. Your goal is to save money.

Joint purchases

Today there are joint shopping sites. People unite and purchase things from the manufacturer at the lowest price. There is no store markup, which allows you to save from 30 to 60%. This way you can buy furniture, dishes, bed linen, clothes and even food. Find a similar site in your city and start comparing prices. When you need something, go not to the shops, but to this resource.

Joint purchases have a significant disadvantage - you have to wait up to 30 days for your order. But if you adapt, everything will work out great. Order gifts in advance, buy necessary things for your family and home. Also help your parents with the things they need, not with money. It will be cheaper for you.

Coupons and discounts

Today there are sites that allow you to use discount coupons and participate in promotions. Look for such offers, start monitoring the opportunities. Your parents need to visit the hairdresser, and here you can find them a promotion that will save up to 70% of the funds for a new haircut. They need to take tests or undergo examinations by doctors, and this can also save money. Dentist services can cost 50% less than usual. And this will be very relevant support, although it does not require significant investments.

Teach to save

Helping parents can also consist of telling them that they do not always manage their budget correctly. Point out unnecessary spending, convince them that it is okay to keep track of their expenses, and show them the principles of saving money. You can offer them to keep a notebook in which to record all purchases; it will clearly demonstrate the leakage of funds. Can you tell me how to invest money to receive additional income every month? Treat them carefully and it may compensate them for their lack of cash flow.

Should parents help their adult children financially?

What is the responsibility of parents for the lack of life goals and strategies of their son/daughter?

How to properly motivate children so that their own desires and strength to achieve goals appear, and from what age?

How does upbringing influence self-realization?

What if the father is a supporter of developing independence, and the mother secretly contributes money?

The price of "sitting on the neck"

What is actually hidden under “Don’t do it, let me do it for you!”

Why does this topic remain relevant? The fact is that many in our country live by the principle “Must!”

“I must give the best to my children,” says a caring parent. Moreover, often the best means the full support of their already grown children. I would like to note that “Should” is qualitatively different from “I want”. When the first one sounds, it implies the presence of a burden of obligations. A person is burdened with debt, is not free and subconsciously (and maybe quite consciously) feels depressed, constrained, and his whole nature naturally wants to free himself and get rid of debts.

While conducting surveys on Internet sites, I came across the fact that many people believe that parents should help their children. I present to your attention the arguments for:

Parents should help their children. This is how the world works: first parents help children, and then children help parents.

Any parent who loves and cares about their children, of course, must help their children financially, must help them get on their feet, otherwise this is not love.

As a wealthy parent, I cannot calmly buy something for myself and live in luxury, knowing that my child is “starving.” However, it happens, and very often, that not the wealthiest parent thinks so.

Let's try to figure out what lies behind this.

Underneath the desire to help, many parental fears can be hidden. What will people think of me if I don't help my child? Fear of looking selfish in the eyes of others, and especially in the eyes of one’s own children. Fear that their own children will think that the parent does not love them and, accordingly, will be offended and stop communicating. All this is fear of rejection.

The hope “I help, and then they will help me” is also an unecological position. In fact, this principle sounds like this: “I help you so that you can help me later. Do you see how much work I put into you? Give it back to me later. You are very dear to me (~o cost).” That is, there is no talk of any unconditional return here; the conditions are written in milky ink.

Arguments against parents helping their children financially:

If you spend your whole life helping children, you will have no time or energy left for your own interests and well-deserved rest.

It is necessary to instill in children independence, consciousness and the habit of relying only on themselves.

No one owes nothing to nobody. At least my children definitely don’t owe me anything. If I want to help, then it is absolutely disinterested and does not require return in any form.

The question arises: How to properly build relationships with children in order, firstly, to develop such independence and consciousness in them, and secondly, so that the parent’s desire to pursue his interests is perceived adequately by both the children and the parent himself?

Here I would like to note an important point. In fact, many parents believe that with the birth of a child, their own personal life ends and their own interests no longer exist. In this case, the idea that I have the right to pursue my own interests, which do not include my adult son or daughter, sounds crazy. Green relationships come with no debt or strings attached.

Development is moving forward. And according to the laws of development, everything that we give and fill with is passed on. Moving backward is regression. “Debt” can be taken in one place and repaid in another. Likewise, the answer may come from a completely unexpected place. If the parent is sure of this, if this is his position, then this is automatically the position of the children.

How to properly motivate children to develop their own desires and strength to achieve goals and at what age should they start?

In fact, there is no clear age. This has to be the mindset, first and foremost, of the parent. And the parent must be able to achieve his own desires and goals. Then he won’t have a question about how to do it. Because very often parents who have not realized their dreams, who do not believe in their strength, also do not believe that their child will succeed. An illusion arises that either this is the world or this is who we are. Who has connections, luck, etc., etc.

Someone lives happily and carefree and has no problems. And there we are. And they instill their subjective vision of the world in their child. With such a perception of the surrounding reality, from an early age, attitudes appear that I can’t do anything, I’m not capable of anything, the world is cruel, everything I do makes no sense, so there are other people born for happiness. But not me.

It also happens that in one family the husband-father takes the position that it is necessary to develop independence, while the mother secretly slips money into her son and whispers in his ear that they say, son, we will do everything for you, you don’t need anything Why worry., and then you get married and your wife will take care of you.

This is actually scary. Because there is no authority in such a family. The family hierarchy is broken. The father says one thing, but the mother completely devalues ​​his entire image. And it turns out like in Krylov’s fable, when a swan, a crayfish and a pike pull the cart in different directions. And no one really loves anyone. After all, under this “son, don’t work, I’ll do everything for you,” it’s hidden that in fact I don’t really believe in you, and I doubt that you can handle it, because you’re small and weak, and I’m big and strong .

I do everything BETTER than you and you will never be BETTER than me. As a result, having become an adult, such a child does not understand at all what he wants, does not know how to live, he is not interested in anything and life is boring.

It is very difficult to escape from such a trap when parents support you.

Because a person understands that, in principle, he has everything and he does not need to make any effort. And breaking away from parental care means losing everything and being left alone with “this cruel world.” And it’s not a fact that you will ever be able to get some benefits that are no worse than in your parent’s family. There is a risk of being left with nothing.

Here is the price of such parental protection:

Never become an independent adult. The parent is stronger, the parent is more powerful

Listen to lectures, rules and opinions on how to live correctly and realize that your parents’ opinion is more important than your own

Feel inferior

Knowing that you are dependent and putting up with this situation and this makes you feel even more inferior.

Let's imagine a situation: the parent of an adult son or daughter feels guilty for not giving something to the child in childhood. For example, a mother worked all her life, and when she retired, she realized: there was nothing else to do, her life was empty, her beloved child had grown up long ago. It’s scary to remain unnecessary and insignificant, and this fear forces a woman to actively “infiltrate” the lives of adult children and, helping them with finances, live their lives, returning meaning to her own. Material assistance serves as a kind of compensation for the lack of attention and warmth in the past.

Sound familiar? Then it's a different story. Grown-up children constantly get into trouble, and their “dependent” parents easily and gladly act as eternal “rescuers”, paying for any expenses of the children. This is also a fairly common case.

It happens that parents are afraid to admit to themselves their parental imperfection. The fear of losing the love of children encourages them to “buy” their attention, maintaining the illusion of normal family relationships.

Often parents unconsciously form the financial dependence of their children, preventing timely separation from happening. Family psychologist Anna Varga writes in her book “Systemic Family Psychotherapy”: “Young people, remaining in the parental system (family), do not have the opportunity to experience the experience of independent, independent life. All his life, a young man is an element of his family system, a bearer of its norms and rules, a child of his parents. Usually he does not have a clear idea of ​​what he personally has achieved in his life, and it is difficult for him to develop a sense of personal responsibility for his destiny.”

Fear underlies the desire to control, to be needed, to receive love, and to come to terms with the “inner critic.”

The financial dependence of adult children on their parents may indicate that dependent relationships predominate in the family as a whole. Parents do not always impose help: an able-bodied adult son or daughter can regularly ask and sometimes demand money. Dependence begins if parents systematically meet them halfway. Constantly supplying adult children with money can make them infantile, discourage them from working, and prevent them from learning how to manage finances.

“If you want to motivate a child to earn money, you don’t need to help him, let him look for opportunities,” advises Anna Varga in her book. “Parents who want to attach a child encourage dependence and help with money.”

The root cause of dependent relationships is easy to understand by answering the question: “When I feel guilty, what am I afraid of?” Of course, everyone has their own answer, but here are the most common options:

• I’m afraid to be left alone, deprived of the love of a child;
• I'm afraid of becoming unnecessary;
• I'm afraid of losing my children (I'm afraid for their lives).

All of these fears underlie the guilt a parent may feel when refusing financial support to their adult children.

Based on these fears, unconscious desires are also formed:

• control: continue to decide for children, guide their lives so that they meet parental expectations;
• to be necessary, significant: to save children from troubles, to preserve your image of a “good” parent, to fill your life with the concerns of children, to become needed and necessary again;
• receive love and attention: live the life of an adult child when your own life is not satisfactory or interesting;
• come to terms with the “inner critic”: compensate children for something that they may not have been given in childhood.

These can all be signs of an unhealthy relationship. Normal parental support for adult children is to provide emotional support, listen, sympathize, and, if the child asks, give advice. Financial assistance is acceptable in isolated cases: in case of force majeure or as a gift.

You need to start teaching your child how to handle finances as early as adolescence.

Ideally, you should start teaching your child how to handle finances as early as adolescence. The tool for this is pocket money. Small amounts must be issued on a regular basis, always in a limited and fixed amount. The goal is to teach the child to manage money, spend it within given limits, save, and lend. Parents can monitor their teenager's actions and help him make financial decisions. Money should never be used for manipulation: to serve as reward or punishment.